John A. Ferguson Senior High School



Problem/Solution Satire Essays (Samples)Topic: Problems of Social Media Today’s society is faced with the continually growing problem of electronics and social media. What used to be considered a precious treasure is now the cause of teenage obesity, lack of concentration, inadequate communication, and above all a far less intellectual society. Cell phones, internet, video games, television all have taken over the youth in society and corrupted them into unimaginative, unqualified, dull robots. Facebook is merely a tool to drain the intelligence from teenagers until they are forced to speak in instant messaging jargon- LOL, OMG, TTYL. Twitter is a mechanism for teenagers to become hermits, living in their rooms updating their statuses every two minutes. Video games and television suck imagination from children’s minds, their eyes becoming plastered to a small pixel screen, their stationary bodies molded into the couch cushions. To stop a calamity like this from happening, there is only one option- abolish electronics and social media completely. If humanity can wipe away everything with batteries, plugs, and wires, people will become a more intellectual, responsive, exciting species on earth.With government involvement, electronics and social media can easily be wiped away from the planet. Laws can be created making any form of electronics or social media illegal. This would include phones, game systems, and the computer. Batteries can be melted down and broken down parts dumped into landfills. Those found carrying any form of electronics or social media will be given the benefit of the doubt- this is a justice based society- and be given a warning, but the next encounter with technology could lead to life in prison or death. The banning of electronics and social media will create a safer society- less accidents and less health problems. 20/20 Eye sight will quickly increase since children are not staring at screens for hours on end, and driving will become a leisure experience when drivers aren’t dodging busy people on cell phones swerving into the adjacent lanes. The obesity rate for children will be brought down to acceptable levels because there will be no more televisions to watch while a child stuffs his or her face with potato chips. People will be able to laugh out loud not LOL and ROFLing will be no more; if people want to roll on the floor and laugh, they can do so without being constrained to a tedious text message, IM, tweet, or wall post. Teenagers will have to look at a person when talking to them not text or chat, allowing society’s youth to become far better communicators. There will be no more sneaking into the girl’s bathroom to text your BFF about the cute boy that you <3 so much, no more hiding cell phones beneath laps when your teacher thinks you are doing algebra homework. Students will not have to take out a calculator to know five times two equals ten or look on spark notes to understand that Romeo is a Montague and Juliet is a Capulet, all in all, a far more intellectual exuberant society. Society has overlooked the many other options to solve this growing problem. Having students become educated to perform tasks without calculators, cell phones, or the Internet, raise the price of the most popular, yet least useful electronics, or have schools limit a student’s use of electronics or enforce better rules pertaining to electronics and social media could all be successful solutions but are not acceptable in this busy society. Because of this, abolishing electronics and social media would be the best and only solution to create a thriving society, to save the vivacity and intellect of the next generation of adults- the youth that can be seen at the present moment on cell phones, iPods, Facebook, and Twitter- from mass destruction by the monstrous electronics and social media. Make the right choice and give up your iPods, televisions, computers, and delete your Facebook, Myspace, and Twitter accounts. G2G, TTYL! Topic: ObesityNote: the following could be the satirical SOLUTION to the problem, which you would state clearly in a few paragraphs first!!..."the price of food should be directly based on its caloric intake. 0.5 cent per calorie. An apple would cost 27.5 cents, but a McDonald's apple pie would cost $1.25. Someone on a 3000 calorie a day diet would be spending $15 per day to feed themselves, but a 2500 calorie day would be $12.50. Over the course of a year that's a $912 difference.Saving money would be an incentive to consume fewer calories, so people would lose weight. One other side effect you'd see is that poor people would be the lightest and rich people would be the heaviest. This would actually not be a bad thing, since all the bad health side effects of obesity - heart attacks, diabetes, etc - would now be happening more frequently in people who have health insurance. Also, these rich people would be more likely to have gym memberships and personal trainers, so they would be more able to combat this obesity in the first place.Having fewer poor people with obesity-related illnesses would reduce the burden on our health care system, since they tend to not have insurance and instead go to the emergency room any time something is wrong. This would also help them personally since they won't have to pay for things like cholesterol medications. Additionally, there is actually evidence that a reduced-calorie diet leads to an increased life span."Topic: Smoking (“Let there be Smoke”)I have brought you here today to discuss a basic human right that has been suppressed. A right that we once had, but that has been extinguished by the pessimists. By those who put their faith in numbers and facts and realities, and who have no respect for human addiction when it conflicts with health standards.Our constitutional right has been violated. Our freedom revoked. We cannot smoke cigarettes in public.There was a time – a wonderful time – when I could enter a restaurant and be offered both smoking and non-smoking sections. While I did not approve of the discriminatory segregation, I allowed it to go on. Now I wonder if I had taken a stand, way back when, maybe I could have prevented the oppression. But now, now I’ve been stripped of my right completely. Is it so wrong to want not a bowl of breadsticks before my meal, but a nice warm cigarette? Is it so wrong to refuse that fattening chocolate cake, replacing it with a much lower-calorie cigarette? I think not.There was a time when while I could sit in my car, my car, waiting to pick my daughter up from her elementary school, and I could take a quick drag from a cigarette and no one would look twice. But now I cannot even bring one onto the campus, let alone light one. Is this not a violation of my rights? Why, when I am in my own car, can I not do as I please? While I do admit that it is necessary for me to roll the windows down, thereby releasing the byproduct of my only source of happiness into the lungs of young children, I must simply say that I do not believe that second-hand smoke really is toxic, even if every single scientist in the entire world says otherwise.There was a time when I could smoke a cigarette when the preacher’s sermon went on for too long, or he discussed a sin I myself had committed, thus putting me on edge. I could relieve myself of the stresses of the lord and have not a problem with those around me but occasional annoyed and rarely angry glare. Now I am fairly certain that if I even lifted a cigarette more than an inch or two out of my purse my pew-mates would all but jump on me, creating a much larger distraction than the smoking would have been in the first place. I know how stressful public speaking can be; I would have no problem with the preacher smoking during his sermon, but for some unfathomable reason our society has deemed this type of behavior unacceptable. There was a time when my cardiologist husband didn’t come home from work shaking from the stress of the day, from the stress of an open-heart surgery. That was the time when smoking was allowed. When, if the surgery became too nerve-wracking, the doctor could smoke a little smoke to calm his nerves. Have you ever heard the sound of the heart monitor flat-lining? I have. It’s extremely stressful. What better way to calm such a stress than giving the doctor a quick cigarette to sharpen his senses? I know I would feel a lot better going into surgery if I knew the doctor was going to be smoking while I lay, unconscious and bleeding, on that operating table.I propose the smoking ban be lifted! I propose that smoking be permitted, nay, encouraged! That the carcinogens be allowed to permeate our air! Let the tar, benzene, formaldehyde, ammonia, acetone, carbon monoxide, nicotine, arsenic, vinyl chloride, beryllium, cadmium, ethylene oxide, toluene and hydrogen cyanide swirl freely through our vast atmosphere. Let the children breathe it! Only 440,000 people die prematurely each and every year in the United States of smoking-related causes. So I know that smoking is the leading cause of premature, preventable death in this country, but honestly, I don’t see the problem.3. Topic: The Drug Problem in AmericaNote: these are some satirical solutions you could use—after presenting the problem of drug use. …Create an amendment to the Constitution to legalize all controlled substances…Remove all tax on tobacco and alcohol to make for easier purchase and consumption …Ban all drug tests and testing centers ................
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