Matrimony , a Sexual Sacrament



Matrimony, a Sexual Sacrament

The insights and exercises normally shared in session 4, Sex as Sacred Body Language and Session 5, Sacrament of Matrimony flow perfectly together and are the most central vision of John Paul ll’s Theology of the Body. We hope that they come away realizing that their other-centered, total mutual self-donation is a sign to all of us of Christ’s own love for the church. In order to live this sacramental lifestyle they need to embrace the reality that sexuality and holiness are inherently linked and mutually supportive.

Warm welcome and Recap of Homework

■ What has been your experience of identifying and sharing feelings since the last session?

◆ Did you write on any other subject(s)? Was the writing helpful?

◆ Did you include intentional affirmation?

◆ How has additional affirmation impacted your relationship?

◆ Are your active listening skills improving?

Prayer: Mentor couple prays for the engaged couple

If you have not yet prayed with the engaged couple at the start of a session, do so for Session 4. Simply invite them to pray and extend your hand to them. Explain that they may pray if they like but it is not expected.

( In thanksgiving for the closeness and understanding already achieved

( In affirmation of their openness to each other

( To invite the Holy Spirit to bless our words tonight

( For enlightenment, insight, and enthusiasm

■ Last week we talked about Communication

◆ Communicating for intimacy primarily using verbal skills

■ This week we will talk about Sexuality and the role of sexual communication in building intimacy

■ More significantly we would like to help you to see clearly that the intrinsically sexual nature of the husband wife relationship is what makes it such a clear image of Divine love.

Review of Sexuality

Ask the Engaged Couple:

■ “What do you remember about our discussion of “sexuality” during the first session?

What specifically did they take away? They may need a little prompting. We talked about gender differences, but more importantly, we defined sexuality in relational terms. Let them talk; then fill in as necessary to reinforce the points covered below.

( We defined Sexuality in terms of our ability to be attracted out of

ourselves into relationship with the opposite sex and our attractiveness

to the opposite sex

( We talked about how Masculinity and Femininity are characteristic

behaviors developed in relationship

- They are unique to us and our personal relationships

( We observed a universal appreciation for power (Men) and beauty (Women)

In session 1 we talked about sexuality, but we did not actually talk about sex, lovemaking, and intercourse

■ Before we influence you any further, it will be helpful for you to get in touch with your own basic attitude about sex

■ Just complete the sentence, “Sex is…” off the top of your head

Hand out the Session 5 Couple Pack and point the Engaged Couple to page 2. Ask them to write their individual responses to the question, “How would you complete this sentence, ‘Sex is…’”

Ask them how they responded and validate their responses but if they do not come up with it on their own, posit that above all, in a strong healthy relationship, Sex is Communication

■ There are three kinds of communication

◆ Verbal – what we say

◆ Non-verbal – facial expressions and body language in general

◆ Sexual - nonverbal and verbal communication which takes place in a strong sexual atmosphere and specifically expresses our love for the other or our desire to be close

Sex as Activity

■ The culture would have us believe that sex is only an activity, something we do

◆ It’s not our fault that we have been desensitized, but the attitude that sex is an activity can severely handicap a marriage

• This attitude leads to self-conscious behavior, self-centeredness, concerns about performance, impersonal interactions, feelings of being used, guilt, control, and irresponsibility

• When we treat sex as an activity, we tend to think of it as a form of recreation

❖ It will get a lower priority than other activities that seem more serious or responsible

– Cooking, cleaning, chores, work

❖ We will limit sexual communication to those times when we allow ourselves to have fun

– When we’re on vacation, feeling celebrative, or “in the mood”

Mentor Couple shares what happens to their relationship and possibly how they feel when they approach or experience sex as an activity rather than communication. Things like:

( Shallow ( Sex losing its meaning

( Dishonest ( Feeling used

( Alienated ( Mind wandering while making love

( Ashamed ( Lying in bed feeling lonely

( Impersonal ( Wondering, “Is that all there is?”

Ultimately, these lead to the modern phenomenon of “Sex starved” marriages.

◆ If sex is approached as an activity, it will inevitably lose its original meaning and its profound message

◆ Without that meaning, the less priority it will have in the marriage and the more frequently the wife will discourage, avoid, or simply say, “No”, to intercourse

• She is not experiencing sex as “love making”

• She thinks she is saying “No” to an activity

◆ Experiencing “No” is devastating to the husband

• He hears her saying “No” to him

• It cuts him off from his preferred means to achieving intimacy

• He will feel isolated and withdraw from relationship

Male / Female preferences for achieving Intimacy

■ Activity does not produce intimacy, only communication does

■ Men are most comfortable pursuing intimacy through touch, bonding, eye contact and non-verbal sexual communication in general

◆ Sexual communication is a man’s preferred way of getting close

◆ Once he feels close he can open up verbally, share feelings, dreams and fears

◆ A man needs to feel safe sexually in order to be vulnerable

• Men tend to open up and talk after lovemaking

■ Women are most comfortable with pursuing intimacy through deep intimate personal conversation

◆ Women need to talk before lovemaking

◆ Saying, “Yes” when there has been no experience of verbal intimacy is like asking her to make love to a stranger

◆ “No” feels to him exactly like his refusing to talk feels to her

• Shut out rejected, isolated, controlled, abandoned

Sex as Communication

Sacred Body Language

■ In marriage, sex is a way of communicating our desire to be one

◆ God’s plan for us is Unity in all things

• “The two shall become one”

• “One in mind, heart, and affection”

• “Two in one flesh”

◆ John Paul II calls intercourse, “Sacred Body Language”

■ Sexual communication is a sacred trust

◆ The messages are inherently sacred

• Expressions of love using God’s gift of sexuality

◆ We trust what the body is saying

Give an example of how we believe what the body is saying more than the words spoken.

Then, verbalize the specific messages being communicated by non-verbal actions typical of a relationship as it develops naturally from attraction to deep and permanent commitment.

( Holding Hands – I’m willing to be seen with you, I like you

( Arm around the waist or shoulder, Embracing, Snuggling – I enjoy being close

to you, I like feeling you near me, I want to spend time with you

( First Kiss on the lips (this is so significant because it clearly says something

and takes the relationship to a different level) – we are now romantically

involved, you are special, I don’t say this to just anyone

( Necking – I’m strongly attracted to you, I want to say things to you that I

don’t know how to express with words

( Caressing, Fondling – You excite me, I want to discover who you are, I want to

know everything about you

The Message of intercourse

■ When a couple honestly and sincerely are ready to say:

◆ I accept you in full knowledge of who you are

◆ I want to be family with you

◆ I offer you all my genetic history and desire to mix our blood lines

◆ I love you and your children and your children’s children for all eternity

◆ I want to be one with you

◆ I am permanently committed to you

◆ I love you totally

◆ I want to give you my whole self

They will naturally desire to express themselves through the use of their genitals

◆ The genitals link us with generations past and future and so communicate permanence

■ For married couples, it is helpful to ask ourselves, “What do I want to say to you tonight?”

◆ Reminds us that we really are communicating

◆ Helps us to concentrate on the message

The Mentor Couple shares their experience of sex as communication:

( Eye contact

( Verbalization of messages

( Experience of love-making as always new in the present moment

( The most intimate kind of communication

( Potentially the most affirming because we believe it

( Not about positions or physical sensations but complete surrender and

other-centeredness

( Prayer before during or after intercourse

■ These are incredibly affirming messages, when they are true

■ They can only be really true in the context of Marriage

■ They are absolutely devastating when they are false

◆ Being lied to hurts

• People feel used when lied to

• People feel guilty and ashamed when they are insincere

■ Accepting half-truths desensitize us to the full potential of the most sacred of messages

◆ If you use language to mean something else, it is hard to change it’s meaning

• Example: the word “Gay” used to mean lively and fun

• It is hard to hear it that way now that it has been used differently

◆ Having said it to others does not make it more special

• It makes it less believable

In a non-judgmental fashion, explain matter-of-factly that the engaged couple’s sexual history will affect their sexual communication, but whatever their history, individually or together, it can be dealt with and overcome.

If the engaged couple has told you or if you have reason to believe that both of them are virgin, the Mentor Couple should seize this opportunity to affirm their chastity. Convince them that they have made a great choice, and because of that choice, they will be the best possible gift to each other. They will appreciate their gift of chastity as long as they live.

■ We can’t change the past, but we can work to overcome attitudes of superiority, memories of others, and comparisons

◆ Because Pre-Marital Sex was most likely approached as an activity, the memories are associated with activities and can be displaced by focusing on sex as communication

■ Obviously, the ideal is that you have never said this to any one else before and will wait until it is completely true to say it to your future spouse

■ If you have had other partners:

◆ Memories of other people can hinder the sense of your spouse being incomparable

◆ Attitudes of inferiority or superiority may be present

◆ It will likely be more difficult to trust in general

• Based on the residual pain or disillusionment from the prior relationship(s)

■ If you have had sex with each other:

◆ It will be more difficult to trust the message of permanence

• If it did not mean “permanent” before, why does it now?

• What will be different after the wedding?

◆ It will be more difficult to assign a new sacramental meaning

• Because it is not true yet, pre-marital sex can desensitize you to the future meaning within the sacrament

If possible, give an example of how it is not true yet and how pre-marital sex will desensitize them and make it more difficult to appreciate the full meaning of sexual communication within the Sacrament of Matrimony

Tell them that we are not going to ask them if they have slept together, but if they have or are, we will ask them to stop, for the sake of their marriage, until after their wedding

■ If you are bringing baggage into your marriage, the antidote is to work even harder at communicating the messages you want your spouse to hear

■ If you are not bringing baggage into your marriage, approaching sex as communication is the key to a life-long romantic relationship

◆ love-making will continue to be the most incredible, exciting, joyful means of expressing your love for one another

• God made it that way

■ Intercourse is clearly the body language that speaks the vows you will take at the altar on your wedding day

◆ Approaching sex as communication makes all the difference between just “having sex” and truly “making love”

■ Most people have heard the alarming statistics that indicate that couples who cohabitate are twice as likely to divorce as those who do not

◆ One reason is that we behave differently when there is a position to retreat to and that becomes our “normal” way of being with each other

• We hold onto our independence

• We tend to exercise less self-control both verbally and physically

• We compromise the message of “permanence” that intercourse is intended to communicate

◆ It’s almost as if cohabitation inoculates us against the full potential of matrimony

• Like with a vaccine, we take a little bit of a disease in order to prevent us from experiencing the real thing

Children

Refer the Engaged Couple to page 8 of the Session 5 Couple Pack and have them do the Couple Exercise. After they have shared their responses with each other, ask them questions like:

( Did they learn anything new about themselves or the other?

( Are they in agreement about the number of children and how soon to have

them?

Eventually, the Mentor Couple needs to lead the conversation back to the issue of Birth Control

■ Woman will also say “No” to sex if there is a fear of pregnancy

■ Birth control is primarily a trust issue.

◆ Women find it difficult to trust that their husbands will be as involved and invested in the children, as they must be if he is uninvolved with them emotionally.

The Mentor couple shares their personal experience of learning to trust each other, inviting God into their decisions about having children, and embracing Natural Family Planning.

Introduce the idea of Praying for the grace to want what God wants.

( Ask God to give you His desire for any child He wishes you to have – to desire

the child as much as He does, and

( If it is not His desire for you to conceive a child at this time, that you will

experience the grace of contentment and be filled with enthusiasm for other

ways to allow your love to give life

Introduction to Sacrament

Begin with an ice breaker to get a feel for where the Engaged Couple is in their relationship with God and the Church. The following questions are included in the Session 5 Couple Pack on page 2. If you wish to have the engaged couple write their responses, you may pass out the Couple Pack at this time; otherwise, wait for the Couple Exercise which comes later.

Ask, “What do you think of when you hear the word ‘Church’? The word ‘Sacrament’? The word ‘Marriage’?”

Ask these questions one at a time and have both fiancé(e)s respond before going to the next question.

We are not looking for just a Catechism response, but rather for an everyday personal experience of what these terms mean to them. There is no right or wrong answer and the Mentor Couple should affirm whatever element of truth is contained in each response and build on it. For example, if the engaged couple thought of the building when they heard the word “church”, affirm that sacred space is important and powerful. Our buildings are an expression of our devotion and understanding of the glory of God. Much love and sacrifice went into creating them. They connect us with our history and with memories of past events like baptisms, weddings, and funerals. Then offer them other possible answers. For example, many people hear the word “church” and think of the community, the people of God, others think of the clergy, the bishops and Pope, or the church’s doctrine.

Explain that when we refer to “church”, we are primarily referring to our faith family, the community of believers who pray, support, and witness to us. They may be friends, neighbors, or relatives, but if they are baptized, they are the living Body of Christ in our lives.

Sacrament certainly implies something sacred or holy. Many of us memorized the definition of a sacrament as “an outward sign instituted by God to give grace.” The New Catechism of the Catholic Church says that, “The sacraments are efficacious signs of grace, instituted by Christ and entrusted to the Church, by which divine life is dispensed to us.” A simple way to think about sacraments is to recognize them as signs of the real presence of Christ and actions of the Holy Spirit at work in his Body, the Church. Their purpose is to sanctify us, build up the Body of Christ, and give worship to God. They presuppose faith and, by words and objects, nourish, strengthen, and express our faith.

Marriage means many different things to different people, and during this session, we will clarify what it means to our Catholic faith family.

There is no critique of the engaged couple’s response, just an appreciation of where they are beginning this session and a clarification of the terms we will use during the session.

▪ Tonight we’re going to talk about the Sacrament of Matrimony

◆ We need a new word because we’re delving into something that goes far beyond Marriage

A Living Sign

▪ On your wedding day, you will stand before the Community of the Faithful and be asked to accept a mission to intentionally love each other the way Christ loves the church

▪ The Body of Christ will pray that grace into you

◆ We believe in the real presence of Jesus in the Sacrament of the Eucharist

• The prayer of the church turns bread and wine into Jesus’ Body and Blood

◆ We also believe that in your will to love each other, to literally give your selves to each other, you will become a sacrament, and Jesus will be literally present to us and to you in and through that love

• You will experience the real presence of Jesus in loving and being loved

• The community will experience the real presence of Jesus through you

▪ The “sacrament” is not the wedding mass, the “sign“ is not the rings

▪ You are the sign and you administer the sacrament to each other

◆ The priest only bears witness to your intentions and vows as the representative or in the name of the community

▪ You live the Sacrament every day in how other-centered and generous you are in loving

Characteristics of Christ’s Love

For this Exercise, separate the fiancée’s. After you have separated them, give them each a copy of the Session 5 Participant Pack, but have one turn to Page 3 and the other to Page 4. The Mentor Couple should arrange how they want to handle this in advance. Give the instructions separately so that the one does not know what the other is doing.

Have one (generally the less religious of the two) list the characteristics that they have observed in the sexual love of the most “in-love” married couples they know, or can even imagine.

Have the other name as many characteristics of the way Christ loves His people, “us”, that they can articulate.

If they are not sure how to get started, suggest words like, constant, forgiving, selfless, passionate, sacrificing, always there, permanent, etc.

Give them about five minutes to write down as many characteristics as they can, then bring them together and have them read what they came up with.

The two sets of characteristics will inevitably be very similar although they may not have used exactly the same words and you can translate or amplify their words to bring home the point that we see the characteristics of Christ’s love in the love between husbands and wives. You can also point out how the characteristics of Christ’s love also apply to “in love” couples and how the characteristics of “in love” couples also apply to Christ’s love.

▪ We easily recognize these qualities because they are visible

▪ It is no coincidence that Christ’s love can be expressed in sexual terms

◆ His desire to be “one” with us

◆ How passionately He pursues us

◆ How He gives His body and allows us to take Him inside us

▪ St Augustine said that Matrimony was the sacrament most like the Eucharist because of the self donation involved

◆ In “Familiaris Consortio”, an Apostolic Exhortation on the Role of the Christian Family in the Modern World, our Holy Father, John Paul II says,

• “Couples are a permanent reminder to the church of what happened on the cross”

Marriage bed crucifix

■ A Catholic tradition is to have a “Marriage Bed” crucifix in the bedroom

◆ The reason is to remind a couple that their gift of self in making love is very much like Christ’s gift of self on the cross

◆ It is our primary way of loving, and so, it is also “redeeming”

• The more loving we are, the more we become like Christ

◆ We recommend placing a crucifix on a wall where it can be seen while making love so that we never lose sight of the fact that making love is meant to be other-centered and holy

Mentor Couple shares their experience of love making as a sacramental couple. This should emphasize their awareness of the sacredness of making love, how they feel sent to one another by the Lord and how pleased they believe Him to be when they love generously

Ephesians 5

■ The scriptural basis for Matrimony as Sacrament is found in St Paul’s Letter to the Ephesians. It continues to inspire and direct us.

Read Ephesians 5: 21-33 directly from the Bible.

The Jerusalem or New American translations are preferred. This is the “Magna Carta” for married couples but it is easy to get distracted with the phrase “Wives should be submissive to their husbands as if to the Lord. This is a unique opportunity for the mentor wife to dispel the misunderstanding that is almost universal about this phrase. In no way does the Catholic Church teach anything but reciprocal and mutual self-donation for husbands and wives. If it is meaningful for the mentor wife, she may want to share her own understanding of the root of the word “missio” as a sense of being sent to her husband to affect God’s purposes in him. At some point, make sure to read aloud the second and third quotations from the Theology of the Body found on page 16 of the Couple Pack. Pay special attention to the final summation of Ephesians 5 asking wives to “respect their husbands.” This is the antidote for control. No one tries to control someone they respect. In a larger sense, wives are being affirmed for their feminine charism of responsiveness. It plays to her strength and is what the husband needs to enable him to answer his call to other-centered generosity. Husbands are asked to follow Christ’s example in taking the lead in self-less sacrifice which recognizes his charism of initiating absolute good. In addition, men are called to love their wives “as they love their own bodies.” This is a call to personal involvement that is the antidote for masculine irresponsibility.

It is amazing how St Paul knows us so well, both our strengths and our weaknesses, but if we take Ephesians to heart, it provides a blueprint for sacramental living.

The Mentor Couple shares how they live out Ephesians 5. Be as specific as possible. This sharing could include any or all of the following or other behaviors that are meaningful for you:

( Awareness of the other as much as your own body

( Respect, no criticism, sexual affirmation

( Other-centeredness, putting the other before yourself

( Yes power

( Prayer for passion

( Skin to Skin

( 100/100 relationship (vice 50/50), total mutual self-donation

The Difference the Rest of the Church Makes:

■ Matrimony is personal but not private

◆ Not really just between the two of you

◆ The Church depends on you to reveal Christ’s love to the world in your lifetime

◆ We are all connected

• Every married couple depends on other married couples to set the standard of love in the Church

• We look to others to inspire and encourage us

• Youth desperately want to believe that love is possible

❖ How will they believe if not for you

The Church is Praying for You

■ The Church everywhere prays for its living Sacraments

◆ The Liturgy of the Hours is prayed constantly

◆ Prayer for Vocations include Priesthood, Religious Life, and Matrimony

■ The Priests of our parish pray for the couples of the parish, especially those they are preparing for marriage or for whom they will preside

■ The People of our parish pray specifically for the couples of the parish who are married or preparing to marry

◆ Part of the Movement of Continuous Prayer for Marriage and Family

◆ They have the names of all the engaged couples in the parish

• The parish is praying for them throughout their engagement and mentoring sessions

Give each Fiancée a Prayer Brochure and a copy of Ask, Search, Knock. Explain the Movement of Prayer for Marriage and Family.

( One hour each month for the couples of the parish

( In the privacy of their own home

( Any way they feel comfortable praying

( Personally for the couples in their life whom they know and love

The Mentor Couples shares their own experience of praying for marriage and family life. If you do not pray as a couple, be sure to explain that many couples do. If you are not currently praying a full hour, once a month, it is not necessary to explain or justify why you are not, simply share positively about the experiences of those who do.

The Power of Prayer

■ Prayer opens us to the grace we need to live our Sacrament fully and effectively

◆ We pray for the specific graces we need when we need them

• If we are thinking critical thoughts, we might pray for the grace of affirmation to first of all hold our tongue, and secondly, to look for and point out what we do love, appreciate, or admire

• We pray specifically for “Passion”

❖ Not urgency for intercourse, but the grace to be fully present, attentive, aware of and open to the other

❖ The grace to allow our sexual chemistry to predispose us to each other and soften our hearts when we are hurt or angry

• We often pray for “Compassion” and “Forgiveness”

■ We benefit from the prayers of others, but the most efficacious prayer is when we pray individually or as a couple for our own marriage

■ Prayer is a valuable resource

Invite the Engaged Couple to consider focusing an hour of their personal prayer each month for their own marriage and for the other marriages in the parish. They may wish to pray individually or together. One’s commitment does not depend on a similar commitment from the other.

Next, refer the engaged couple to Page 7 of the Couple Pack.

Ask them to take a few minutes to write their response to Question 1, “Do I pray? When, how, and why do I pray?”

When they have written, ask them to share their responses with each other. Encourage them to create an especially tender atmosphere through touch and eye contact and listen well so that the other will feel accepted and respected what ever they share.

After the engaged couple has had time to share what they wrote, the Mentor Couple shares their own experience of couple prayer and the effect that it has had on their relationship. Include how it makes you feel when your spouse allows you to overhear their prayer.

Share your journey of praying together, how you started and how you have grown in openness and in the practice of couple prayer

Spiritual Nakedness

■ Sharing our personal relationship with God is usually difficult but offers the potential to be incredibly bonding

◆ To pray sincerely, openly, and honestly requires vulnerability, and trust

◆ It’s an experience of “Spiritual Nakedness”

◆ It invites God into the relationship and eliminates the usual last bastion of privacy between husband and wife

Refer the engaged couple to the questions on Pages 9 of the Couple Pack.

Ask them to take a few minutes to answer questions 1 thru 4. They are free to answer all 7 or If one particular question is especially significant for them, that’s where they should focus their time.

When they seem to have had enough time to write, ask them to share their responses with each other.

Catholic Identity

■ The experience of being Catholic can be like belonging to a “faith” family”

■ Just as in a biological family, there are some relatives we like better than others, but we will dance at their weddings and cry at their funerals

■ Catholics are not “better” than others; they are just “ours”

◆ It is a special, permanent, belonging relationship

■ Every family has shared values, traditions, and history, but above all, it is the experience of permanent belonging that makes it a family

■ For those who experience “Catholic” as their family name, sharing faith is integral to sharing who they are

Should you sense any angst against the church or if one or both of the fiancées share with you an injury or hurt caused by the church, please ask forgiveness in the name of the church. You have an opportunity to be a special instrument of healing that will bless them for generations. You can speak in the name of the church because it was “your” family that messed up.

Inter Faith Couples

Do this section only if working with an Inter Faith Couple. Otherwise jump down to the Homework section.

The following content, down to the instruction to turn to page 12, may be presented by the Mentor Couple or alternatively, refer the engaged couple to page 11 of the Couple Pack and ask them to read the two paragraphs in the right-hand column.

■ Catholics are often afraid to be seen as trying to convert their fiancée

■ Those marrying a Catholic may feel defensive or protective of their separate faith identity

■ Even if we are not particularly religious, our concept of God is central to our personhood

■ Holding back such a central part of ourselves can limit the openness and experience of unity in a relationship

◆ We don’t talk about religion or our sharing is shallow

◆ We feel alone or estranged in this area

◆ We experience diminished trust in what we are willing to share

◆ We find ourselves in conflict over lifestyle priorities or child rearing decisions

■ Sharing faith can overcome misconceptions and prejudices about each other’s faith and draw a couple closer

◆ This results in a profound and freeing experience of being loved and accepted

■ Turn to page 12 of the Couple Pack and take a moment to read the paragraph in the left hand column under the heading, A Journey to Unity

■ When you have finished reading, consider the seven questions on page 11 under the heading “Questions to aid Interfaith Couples in Sharing Faith” and the two questions in the middle of page 12

■ Select the question that must jumps out at you and answer it briefly in the space provided

■ If you finish writing, go on and answer a second question

■ Share your responses with each other

Mentors should not miss the opportunity to ask about openness to conversion, something like, “Now that you are making this permanent commitment to your fiancé(e), have you considered also making a commitment to belong to his or her faith family, to us.”

Follow up any inquiry or expression of interest.

Often, the catholic fiancé(e) is protective of the non-catholic and does not even invite them to consider converting even though they might be very open to it

Goodbye for now

▪ We are sorry that we were not able to journey through the whole course with you before the wedding but we hope that you will use the materials on your own

▪ We know that you are just beginning your wonderful journey together and we want to assure you that we will always be with you

◆ Feel free to come back after the wedding , especially to experience the session on couple decision making, conflict resolution and developing couple values that we call “Becoming a Couple”

◆ We will continue to pray for you

◆ We will see you at mass and rejoice with you as you celebrate your anniversaries, begin your family, and bring your children to the Church for Baptism, Eucharist, and all the Sacraments

◆ We hope you will make Living in Love after you are married a couple of years

Affirm the engaged couple in any way that is positive, truthful, and sincere. If you are genuinely enthused, go ahead and be effusive.

In the rare circumstance that you have serious reservations, you owe it to the couple to point out areas that they need to continue to address. They have not “failed the course” but their preparation for marriage needs additional work. That should be clear. You are free to continue to meet with them or refer them to the Pastor, a more experienced Mentor, or professional counseling.

Reassure the Engaged Couple that they do not have to thank you with a material gift or an invitation to their wedding. This is likely to be a relief to them since most are feeling the burden already of the numbers and expense of the Wedding Some couples may really want you to attend at least the Wedding Mass, still others might insist on inviting you to the reception as well. Since it is their thank you to you, you are not obliged to buy them an expensive gift.

You may wish to give them a framed copy of our “Reflections on a Marriage Bed Crucifix”. A marriage bed crucifix and the framed reflection can be a nice thought, or a parting gift. For those couples whom you are personally close to or related to, whose weddings you do attend, it is a great idea to buy a simple chalice or oversized crystal goblet to be used as a chalice at their wedding mass and then at the baptism of their babies and wedding anniversary masses.

Of course, all of that is up to you and you are free to continue your friendship with them any way that you like. In due time, we hope that you will invite them to make the Living in Love Weekend or other retreats and programs to continue their growth.

If they would like to support this work and future publishing of this material, they can make a donation to the PMRC who has developed the program.

Make sure to record their wedding date in your planner so that you can call or drop a note on the occasion of their wedding. Check that you have their correct future address, and email. Finally, verify that you have all the information that is called for on the Registration Form that is in the Mentor Guidebook. If not, obtain it before the engaged couple leaves.

Provide copies of the completed Registration Form to both your Parish Coordinator and the PMRC. A softcopy version of the Form is available from the PMRC and is the preferred method of providing the information. Email the form to PMRCusa@

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