OnlineJokes
1001
?Jokes
?
?
A
?few
?years
?ago
?Richard
?Wiseman
?went
?in
?search
?of
?the
?world's
?funniest
?
joke.
?
?The
?results
?are
?described
?in
?his
?book,
?Quirkology.
?
?Here
?are
?the
?first
?
1001
?clean
?jokes
?submitted
?into
?the
?database.
?
?Enjoy.....
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
37
?
Is
?it
?true
?that
?cannibals
?don't
?eat
?clowns
?because
?they
?taste
?funny?
?
?
38
?
What
?kind
?of
?pig
?can
?you
?ignore
?at
?a
?party?
?A
?wild
?bore.
?
?
?
39
?
What
?kind
?of
?murderer
?has
?fiber?
?A
?cereal
?killer.
?
?
44
?
A
?man
?walking
?down
?the
?streets
?sees
?another
?man
?with
?a
?very
?big
?dog.
?
?One
?man
?says
?
to
?the
?other,
?"Does
?your
?dog
?bite",
?the
?man
?replies
?"No
?my
?dog
?doesn't"
?The
?man
?pats
?the
?dog
?
and
?has
?his
?hand
?bitten
?off,
?"I
?thought
?you
?said
?your
?dog
?didn't
?bite"
?said
?the
?injured
?man.
?
"Thats
?not
?my
?dog",
?replied
?the
?other.
?
?
?
45
?
Q:
?What's
?the
?difference
?between
?a
?shoping
?trolley
?and
?a
?University
?vice
?chancellor?
?
A:
?You
?fill
?them
?both
?up
?with
?as
?much
?food
?and
?alcohol
?you
?can,
?but
?it's
?only
?the
?shopping
?
trolley
?that
?has
?a
?mind
?of
?its
?own.
?
?
?
46
?
Q.
?How
?do
?you
?catch
?a
?polar
?bear?
?
A.
?You
?cut
?a
?hole
?in
?the
?ice
?and
?you
?put
?peas
?all
?round
?the
?edge
?and
?when
?the
?polar
?bear
?
comes
?along
?and
?stops
?for
?a
?pea,
?you
?kick
?it
?in
?the
?ice
?hole.
?
?
?
47
?
Why
?do
?Marxists
?like
?fruit
?infusions?
?
Because
?all
?proper
?tea
?is
?theft!
?
?
?
48
?
What
?was
?born
?to
?succeed?
?
A
?budgie
?with
?a
?blunt
?beak.
?
?
?
49
?
Three
?budgies
?in
?a
?cage,
?one
?on
?the
?top
?perch,
?one
?on
?the
?middle
?and
?one
?on
?the
?
bottom
?perch.
?
?
?
Which
?Budgie
?owns
?the
?cage?
?
The
?one
?on
?the
?bottom
?perch,
?the
?other
?two
?are
?on
?higher
?perches.
?
?
?
50
?
what
?do
?you
?call
?a
?fly
?with
?no
?wings?
?
a
?walk.
?
?
?
51
?
What
?do
?you
?call
?a
?teacher
?with
?no
?arms,
?no
?legs,
?and
?no
?body?
?
The
?Head...
?
?
?
?
52
?
Q:
?Why
?should
?you
?never
?iron
?a
?four
?leaf
?clover?
?
A:
?You
?should
?never
?press
?your
?luck!
?
?
?
53
?
What's
?ET
?short
?for?
?
Because
?he's
?got
?little
?legs.
?
?
?
54
?
An
?8-?©\year-?©\old
?girl
?went
?to
?her
?dad,
?who
?was
?working
?in
?the
?yard.
?
She
?asked
?him,
?"Daddy,
?what
?is
?sex?"
?
The
?father
?was
?surprised
?that
?she
?would
?ask
?such
?a
?question,
?but
?
decides
?that
?if
?she
?is
?old
?enough
?to
?ask
?the
?question,
?then
?she
?
is
?old
?enough
?to
?get
?a
?straight
?answer.
?
He
?proceeded
?to
?tell
?her
?all
?about
?the
?'birds
?and
?the
?bees'.
?When
?
he
?finished
?explaining,
?the
?little
?girl
?was
?looking
?at
?him
?with
?
her
?mouth
?hanging
?open.
?The
?father
?asked
?her,
?"Why
?did
?you
?ask
?
this
?question?"
?
The
?little
?girl
?replied,
?"Mom
?told
?me
?to
?tell
?you
?that
?dinner
?
would
?be
?ready
?in
?just
?a
?couple
?of
?secs."
?
?
?
55
?
Did
?you
?hear
?about
?the
?ice-?©\cream
?man,
?he
?was
?found
?dead
?in
?his
?ice-?©\cream
?van,
?
covered
?in
?chocolate
?sauce
?and
?hundreds-?©\and-?©\thousands?
?
?The
?police
?said
?that
?he
?had
?
?topped?
?himself.
?
?
?
?
56
?
What
?lies
?on
?the
?bottom
?of
?the
?ocean
?and
?shakes?
?A
?nervous
?wreck.
?
?
?
57
?
Two
?cannibals
?are
?sitting
?around
?eating
?a
?clown.
?One
?clown
?says
?to
?the
?other,
?"Does
?
this
?taste
?funny
?to
?you?"
?
?
?
58
?
A
?piece
?of
?straight,
?clean
?string
?goes
?into
?a
?bar
?and
?orders
?a
?gin
?and
?tonic.
?The
?barman
?
serves
?the
?drink,
?the
?string
?downs
?it
?and
?walks
?out.
?Ten
?minutes
?later
?a
?dirty,
?twisted,
?ragged
?
piece
?of
?string
?walks
?into
?the
?bar.
?"Here
?-?©\
?are
?you
?that
?piece
?of
?string
?that
?was
?here
?ten
?
minutes
?ago?"
?asks
?the
?barman
?-?©\
?"No"
?replies
?the
?string
?"I'm
?a
?frayed
?knot"
?
?
?
59
?
there
?are
?these
?two
?sausages
?sizzling
?in
?a
?frying
?pan.
?
?the
?one
?turns
?to
?the
?other
?and
?
says
?"gees,
?it's
?hot
?in
?here"
?and
?the
?second
?one
?turns
?around
?and
?goes
?"AAAAH!,
?a
?talking
?
sausage".
?
?
?
60
?
Q
?-?©\
?what
?did
?the
?grape
?say
?when
?the
?elephant
?trod
?on
?it?
?
A
?-?©\
?Nothing,
?it
?just
?gave
?a
?little
?wine.
?
?
?
61
?
A
?man
?walks
?into
?a
?bar
?and
?is
?about
?to
?order
?a
?drink
?when
?he
?notices
?Van
?Gogh
?playing
?
the
?fruit
?machine.
?He
?calls
?over,
?"Hey,
?Van
?Gogh!
?Want
?a
?drink?"
?and
?Van
?Gogh
?replies,
?"No
?
thanks.
?I've
?got
?one
?'ere."
?
?
?
62
?
There
?were
?two
?cows
?in
?a
?field.
?
?One
?said
?"moo",
?the
?other
?one
?said
?"I
?was
?going
?to
?say
?
that!"
?
?
?
64
?
What
?did
?the
?landlord
?say
?as
?he
?threw
?Shakespeare
?out
?of
?his
?pub?
?
"You're
?Bard!"
?
?
?
65
?
A
?three
?legged
?dog
?walks
?into
?a
?Saloon
?in
?the
?Wild
?West,
?the
?barman
?asks
?him
?what
?he
?
wants.
?
The
?dog
?replies
?"I'm
?looking
?fo
?the
?man
?that
?shot
?my
?paw"
?
?
?
66
?
Two
?owls
?are
?playing
?in
?the
?final
?of
?the
?Owl
?Pool
?Championship.
?It
?comes
?down
?to
?
the
?last
?frame.
?One
?of
?the
?owls
?is
?just
?about
?to
?play
?his
?shot,
?when
?his
?wing
?
accidentally
?touches
?a
?ball.
?
"That's
?two
?hits,"
?says
?the
?other
?owl.
?
"Two
?hits
?to
?who?"
?says
?the
?first.
?
?
67
?
An
?atom
?walks
?into
?a
?bar
?and
?asks
?the
?bartender
?if
?he's
?seen
?his
?missing
?electron.
?
"Are
?you
?sure
?she's
?missing",
?asks
?the
?bartender.
?
"I'm
?positive",
?replies
?the
?atom.
?
(this
?is
?definitely
?a
?joke
?for
?science-?©\minded
?people
?only)
?
?
?
68
?
Patient
?:
?"Doctor
?I
?keep
?hearing
?"The
?green,
?green
?grass
?of
?home"
?in
?my
?head.
?
Doctor
?:
?"That's
?called
?the
?Tom
?Jones
?Syndrome"
?
Patient
?:
?"Is
?it
?common
??"
?
?
Doctor
?:
?"It's
?not
?unusual
?
?
?
69
?
Two
?aerials
?met
?on
?a
?roof,
?fell
?in
?love
?and
?got
?married.
?
The
?ceremony
?was
?rubbish
?but
?the
?reception
?was
?brilliant.
?
?
?
70
?
Did
?you
?hear
?about
?the
?dyslexic
?agnostic
?insomniac
??
?
He
?used
?to
?lie
?awake
?at
?night
?wondering
?if
?there
?was
?a
?Dog
?!
?
?
?
71
?
What
?do
?you
?call
?a
?donkey
?with
?3
?legs?
?
A
?Wonky
?
?
?
72
?
What?s
?brown
?and
?sticky?
?
A
?stick
?
?
?
73
?
A
?horse
?walks
?in
?to
?a
?bar.
?The
?bartender
?says:
?"Why
?the
?long
?face?"
?
?
?
74
?
A
?Buddhist
?walks
?up
?to
?a
?hot
?dog
?vendor
?and
?says
?"Make
?me
?one
?with
?everything."
?
?
?
75
?
A
?mushroom
?walks
?into
?a
?bar.
?The
?bartender
?says
?to
?the
?mushroom.
?"Hey
?we
?don't
?
serve
?your
?kind
?here."
?The
?mushroom
?says
?"why
?not
?I'm
?a
?fun
?guy"
?
?
?
?
76
?
What
?did
?the
?mayonnaise
?say
?to
?the
?refrigerator?
?
"Close
?the
?door!
?Can't
?you
?see
?I'm
?dressing?"
?
?
?
77
?
PATIENT..Doctor
?,
?people
?keep
?ignoring
?me.
?
DOCTOR...Next
?please.
?
?
?
78
?
Q.
?What's
?the
?difference
?between
?a
?buffalo
?and
?a
?bison?
?
A.
?You
?can't
?wash
?your
?hands
?in
?a
?buffalo.
?
?
?
79
?
-?©\
?How
?long
?did
?Cain
?hate
?his
?brother?
?
-?©\
??
?
-?©\
?As
?long
?as
?he
?was
?able...
?
?
?
80
?
A
?grad
?student,
?a
?post-?©\doc,
?and
?a
?professor
?are
?walking
?through
?a
?city
?park
?and
?they
?
find
?an
?antique
?oil
?lamp.
?They
?rub
?it
?and
?a
?Genie
?comes
?out
?in
?a
?puff
?of
?smoke.
?
?
The
?Genie
?says,
?"I
?usually
?only
?grant
?three
?wishes,
?so
?I'll
?give
?each
?of
?you
?just
?one."
?
?
"Me
?first!
?Me
?first!"
?says
?the
?grad
?student.
?"I
?want
?to
?be
?in
?the
?Bahamas,
?driving
?a
?speedboat
?
with
?a
?gorgeous
?woman
?who
?sunbathes
?topless."
?Poof!
?He's
?gone.
?
?
"Me
?next!
?Me
?next!"
?says
?the
?post-?©\doc.
?"I
?want
?to
?be
?in
?Hawaii,
?relaxing
?on
?the
?beach
?with
?a
?
professional
?hula
?dancer
?on
?one
?side
?and
?a
?Mai
?Tai
?on
?the
?other."
?Poof!
?He's
?gone.
?
?
"You're
?next,"
?the
?Genie
?says
?to
?the
?professor.
?
?
The
?professor
?says,
?"I
?want
?those
?guys
?back
?in
?the
?lab
?after
?lunch."
?
?
?
81
?
A
?penguin
?walks
?into
?a
?store
?and
?asks
?the
?teller,
?"Do
?you
?have
?any
?grapes?"
?
?
"No."
?He
?replies.
?
?This
?same
?thing
?happens
?the
?next
?day.
?On
?the
?third
?day
?the
?teller
?replies,"
?
No,
?and
?if
?you
?come
?in
?asking
?for
?grapes
?again
?I
?will
?nail
?your
?flippers
?to
?the
?floor!"
?On
?the
?
next
?the
?penguin
?walks
?in
?and
?asks,"
?Got
?any
?nails?
?
?"No."
?Replies
?the
?teller.
?
?"Got
?any
?grapes!"
?
The
?penguin
?asks!
?
?
?
82
?
"I
?got
?that
?job
?down
?the
?bowling
?alley",
?"What
?tenpin",
?"No
?it's
?permanent"
?
?
?
83
?
A
?man
?goes
?into
?the
?doctor
?with
?a
?penguin
?on
?his
?head.
?
The
?doctor
?says
?"What
?can
?I
?do
?for
?you?"
?and
?the
?penguin
?says
?
"well
?doc,
?it
?started
?as
?this
?growth
?on
?my
?foot..."
?
?
?
84
?
A
?man
?goes
?to
?the
?doctor
?and
?says
?"Doctor,
?it
?hurts
?when
?I
?do
?this",
?and
?raises
?his
?arm.
?
"Well,
?don't
?do
?it
?then",
?says
?the
?doctor.
?
?
?
86
?
Q:
?Did
?you
?hear
?about
?the
?Ice
?Cream
?Sales
?man
?that
?was
?found
?dead
?in
?his
?store
?
covered
?in
?chocolate
?sauce
?and
?syrup?
?
A:
?Police
?think
?he
?topped
?himself!
?
?
87
?
How
?many
?surrealists
?does
?it
?take
?to
?change
?a
?light
?bulb?
?
?
2
?-?©\
?1
?to
?hold
?the
?giraffe
?and
?one
?to
?fill
?the
?bathtub
?with
?brightly
?coloured
?machine
?tools.
?
?
88
?
Three
?vampires
?are
?sitting
?at
?a
?bar.
?
?Bartender
?asks
?the
?first
?one
?what
?he
?wants.
?
?"I
?
think
?I'll
?have
?a
?glass
?of
?blood."
?
?"Okay,
?what'll
?you
?have?"
?he
?asks
?the
?second
?vampire.
?
?"That
?
sounds
?good.
?
?I'll
?have
?a
?glass
?of
?blood
?too."
?
?"And
?what
?can
?I
?get
?for
?you?"
?he
?asks
?the
?third
?
vampire.
?
?"I'll
?have
?a
?glass
?of
?plasma"
?said
?the
?third
?vampire.
?
?"Okay,"
?said
?the
?bartender,
?
"That's
?two
?bloods
?and
?a
?blood
?light,
?then."
?
?
?
89
?
A
?polar
?bear
?walks
?into
?a
?bar
?and
?the
?barman
?says,
?"what
?would
?you
?like
?to
?drink?".
?
?
The
?polar
?bear
?hangs
?his
?head
?and
?sighs
?deeply
?and
?then
?sayss
?"I'll
?have
?a
?pint
?of
?bitter
?
barman".
?
The
?barman
?looks
?at
?the
?bear
?and
?says
?"why
?the
?big
?paws?"
?
?
?
90
?
What
?does
?an
?agnostic,
?dyslexic,
?insomniac
?do?
?
Stays
?up
?all
?night
?wondering
?if
?there
?is
?a
?Dog.
?
?
91
?
A
?termite
?walks
?into
?a
?cocktail
?lounge,
?and
?asks
?a
?customer,
?"Is
?the
?bartender
?here?"
?
?
92
?
A
?man
?goes
?to
?the
?vet
?about
?his
?dog's
?fleas.
?The
?vet
?says
?"I'm
?sorry,
?I'll
?have
?to
?put
?this
?
dog
?down".
?
?The
?man
?is
?incredulous
?and
?asks
?why,
?and
?the
?vet
?says
?
"because
?he
?is
?far
?too
?heavy."
?
?
?
?
93
?
An
?Englishman,
?an
?Irishman
?and
?a
?scotsman
?walk
?into
?a
?bar,
?the
?barman
?asks,"
?Is
?this
?a
?
joke?"
?
?
?
94
?
A
?guy
?goes
?to
?the
?Doctors
?and
?he
?says
?"Doctor,
?I'm
?really
?worried
?about
?my
?brother,
?he
?
thinks
?he's
?a
?Hen!"
?
?
The
?Doctor
?says
?"well
?have
?you
?taken
?him
?to
?see
?a
?psychiatrist?",
?and
?the
?guy
?says
?"Don't
?be
?
stupid,
?we
?need
?the
?eggs!"
?
?
?
95
?
A
?group
?of
?Chess
?enthusiasts
?were
?kicked
?out
?of
?a
?hotel
?reception
?for
?discussing
?their
?
winning
?games.
?
?The
?manager
?can't
?stand
?chess
?nuts
?boasting
?in
?an
?open
?foyer.
?
?
?
96
?
A
?brain
?and
?a
?pair
?of
?jumpleads
?walks
?into
?a
?bar.
?The
?brain
?orders
?two
?pints
?from
?the
?
barman
?but
?the
?barman
?refuses
?to
?serve
?him.
?When
?asked
?why,
?the
?barman
?replies
?"
?Well
?
you're
?clearly
?out
?of
?your
?head,
?and
?your
?friend
?there
?looks
?as
?if
?he's
?about
?to
?start
?
something"
?
?
?
97
?
The
?police
?arrested
?two
?men,
?one
?for
?drinking
?battery
?acid
?and
?the
?other
?for
?eating
?fire
?
crackers.
?
?They
?charged
?one
?and
?let
?the
?other
?one
?off.
?
?
?
98
?
A
?man
?went
?to
?a
?horse
?breeder
?and
?said,
?I
?want
?that
?horse.
?The
?breeder
?said
?that
?horse
?
aint
?looking
?so
?good,
?but
?the
?man
?still
?wanted
?to
?buy
?it,
?so
?he
?did.
?The
?next
?day
?he
?came
?back
?
with
?the
?horse
?and
?said,
?you
?sold
?me
?a
?blind
?horse,
?the
?breeder
?replied
?I
?told
?you
?that
?horse
?
aint
?looking
?so
?good
?
?
?
99
?
Two
?hikers
?were
?walking
?through
?the
?woods
?when
?they
?noticed
?a
?bear
?charging
?
towards
?them
?in
?the
?distance.
?The
?first
?hiker
?removed
?his
?trail
?boots
?and
?began
?to
?lace
?up
?his
?
................
................
In order to avoid copyright disputes, this page is only a partial summary.
To fulfill the demand for quickly locating and searching documents.
It is intelligent file search solution for home and business.
Related download
- onlinejokes
- 365 quotes for pdf short inspire me today
- what makes us laugh
- 17 innocent words the make her horny
- 75 quotes about creativity and innovation
- 101 humorous one liners motivational plus
- the 31 best motivational books ever written will make you
- funny but true exotic proverbs for bathroom reading only
- 201 of the greatest sayings quotes and proverbs ever
- the 50 greatest yogi berra quotes region 10 website