Rewrite the paragraph below making changes as necessary to …

Improving a Paragraph

Name:

Rewrite the paragraph below making changes as necessary to improve the wording and/or flow.

Day 1 - Would you rather live in the Sahara Desert or in Antarctica?

Antarctica. If I lived in the dessert it would be waaaay to hot! I already sweat buckets in the summer, so living in the sahara would be like torture! Plus the dessert has all kinds of creepy crawly things. From scorpions to lizards to even tarantulas! YUCK! Give me nice cool antarctica anyday!

Suggestions: Spelling, grammar, capitalization.

Day 2 - If you could have one object from a video game, what would it be and why?

I would choose the propeller suit from my favorite game, Super Mario Wii. This is basically a suit that lets you fly in the air! Like a mini helicopter. I'd choose this cause I could fly anywhere I wanted to go. I wouldn't have to have anyone give me a ride or ride in my brothers smelly car. Having the proppeler suit would be a life saver!

Suggestions: Combine sentences, reiterate

1 Language Arts

Improving a Paragraph

Name:

Rewrite the paragraph below making changes as necessary to improve the wording and/or flow.

Day 3 - Name one object you own that you couldn't live without and why.

The one thing I couldn't live without is my phone. I know it sounds silly, but anytime I don't have my phone I just feel super crazy weird! I do not just use it to make calls though, I also use it to play games when I'm bored or check my friends status on facebook I use it for everything. I do not know what I'd do without my phone!

Suggestions: Remove redundant words, use sets of 3, contractions.

Day 4 - Mr. Wiskers' kittens

You'll never believe what happened to me last night. It all started about a month ago. I noticed my cat, Mr. Wiskers was getting kinda pudgy. I tried feeding him less but he would just make all kinds of meows! Well last night I noticed Mr. Wiskers had a couple strange furry things around him. When I picked one up it turn out to be a Kitten! Can you believe it? It turns out Mr. Wiskers was actually Mrs. Wiskers all along!

Suggestions: Transition times smoother, grammar

2 Language Arts

Improving a Paragraph

Name:

Day 5

? Would you rather live in the Sahara Desert or in Antarctica? ? If you could have one object from a video game, what would it be and why? ? Name one object you own that you couldn't live without and why.

Choose one of the responses above and write your own paragraph answering the question.

3 Language Arts

Improving a Paragraph

Name: Example

Rewrite the paragraph below making changes as necessary to improve the wording and/or flow.

Day 1 - Would you rather live in the Sahara Desert or in Antarctica?

Antarctica. If I lived in the dessert it would be waaaay to hot! I already sweat buckets in the summer, so living in the sahara would be like torture! Plus the dessert has all kinds of creepy crawly things. From scorpions to lizards to even tarantulas! YUCK! Give me nice cool antarctica anyday!

Suggestions: Spelling, grammar, capitalization.

I would rather live in Antarctica. While it would be cold, the desert would

be worse since it's way too hot. While I don't mind heat too much, I already

sweat buckets in the summer, so living in the middle of a desert would be like

torture! Not to mention the desert is home to all kinds of creepy crawly thing.

From scorpions to lizards to ugly, hairy tarantulas. Yuck! Give me nice, cool

Antarctica any day of the week.

Day 2 - If you could have one object from a video game, what would it be and why?

I would choose the propeller suit from my favorite game, Super Mario Wii. This is basically a suit that lets you fly in the air! Like a mini helicopter. I'd choose this cause I could fly anywhere I wanted to go. I wouldn't have to have anyone give me a ride or ride in my brothers smelly car. Having the proppeler suit would be a life saver!

Suggestions: Combine sentences, reiterate

If I could have any object from a game I'd choose the propeller suit from my favorite game, Super Mario Wii. This item is a suit you wear that lets you act like a little mini helicopter, flying high up into the air. This power would be great because I could fly anywhere I wanted to go. No more waiting for someone to give me a ride or having to sit in the back of my brothers smelly car. Having the propeller suit would make life so much easier, what a life saver!

1 Language Arts

Improving a Paragraph

Name: Example

Rewrite the paragraph below making changes as necessary to improve the wording and/or flow.

Day 3 - Name one object you own that you couldn't live without and why.

The one thing I couldn't live without is my phone. I know it sounds silly, but anytime I don't have my phone I just feel super crazy weird! I do not just use it to make calls though, I also use it to play games when I'm bored or check my friends status on facebook I use it for everything. I do not know what I'd do without my phone!

Suggestions: Remove redundant words, use sets of 3, contractions.

The one object I own that I couldn't live without is my cell phone. I

know it seems silly, but already whenever I leave home without it, I just feel

weird! But I wouldn't just be missing phone calls, you see my phone is also

used for gaming, for checking my friends facebook statuses and for hundreds

of other things. If I didn't have my phone I don't know what I'd do!

Day 4 - Mr. Wiskers' kittens

You'll never believe what happened to me last night. It all started about a month ago. I noticed my cat, Mr. Wiskers was getting kinda pudgy. I tried feeding him less but he would just make all kinds of meows! Well last night I noticed Mr. Wiskers had a couple strange furry things around him. When I picked one up it turn out to be a Kitten! Can you believe it? It turns out Mr. Wiskers was actually Mrs. Wiskers all along!

Suggestions: Transition times smoother, grammar

You won't believe what I learned last night! Actually, let me start from

the beginning. About a month ago I noticed my cat, Mr. Wiskers, was getting

kinda pudgy. To help him lose some weight I cut back on the food I was

giving him, but as soon as I did, he'd just meow nonstop. Well, last night I

noticed Mr. Wiskers had some strange furry things around him. Imagine my

surprise when I picked one up and discovered a newborn kitten! It turns out

Mr. Wiskers wasn't a Mister at all! I guess I should have named him, Mrs.

Wiskers, Huh?

2 Language Arts

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