Body Language and Romance



Body Language and Romance

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|The language of flirting and seduction is a language of few words.  Does she?  Does he?  What are they really saying?  Tonight or |

|never…wouldn’t you like to know?  For some of us body language is something we will never understand for others it is their mother tongue. |

|How many delightful people have you missed meeting because you didn’t read that flip of the hair or the sidelong glance?  Here are some |

|body language signs and some tips on how to read and speak the silent language of flirting and romance. |

|Faceme: Facial expressions are a complex and powerful language.  The smile is central.  There is nothing more inviting and pleasant than a |

|sincere smile.  And a scowl has been known to make grown men cry.  Your face reflects your inner thoughts.  If you are thinking about a bad|

|day, a bad date, bad motives or a bad mood, you might as well forget flirting and romance.  Desperation or sadness show like a dark cloud. |

|On the other hand, confidence, happiness and optimism radiate like the sun.  Body language emanates from within our subconscious.  If you |

|truly feel it, you don’t have to fake it.  A warm smile can ultimately be more attractive than 36D or a six-pack. |

|The eyes say it: This is a dance of the eyes.  The beauty of this dance is that you can do it across the room and through a crowd.  Think |

|of it as a sensual and rhythmic dance with gentle touch and delicate timing.  The lingering touch of a soft-eyed look says “I’m |

|interested.”  A hard look or a stare say “No, way.”  A quick glance and a look away may be flirting.  “I see you and I’m checking you out. |

|Let’s see there this goes.”  You can respond with a slight nod or a quick glance of your own.  Let your eyes caress each other and send the|

|subtle invitation that you would like to get to know each other better.  |

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|Inviting signs: If she touches her hair, smoothing or adjusting, she’s letting you know that she wants to look good for you.  You might |

|smooth your clothing and sit or stand just a bit taller.  An ever so slight smile, a nod, a wink, a slow turn of the head can all be signs |

|inviting you to come closer.  You too can send or receive any of these messages. |

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Space and Motion: We carry a magic space around us of about one arms length.  Anything inside that distance is considered intimate.  Men, do not enter a woman’s intimate space without an invitation.  On the first approach, stand just outside the boundary and look for inviting signs or verbal clues that you are welcome in.  Women, if you want to send a firm flirting signal to a guy, step right up.  That’s one reason we like dancing so much. It allows us to be inside each others’ intimate space without violating the rules. Follow the woman’s clues on how to move.  Women appreciate the opportunity to control their space and men appreciate the leadership.

If the other person leans back, turns away or crosses their arms they are saying that this isn’t working.

When the other person starts to imitate your movements (mirroring) that is a pretty clear sign that they are interested and engaged in what you are saying.

Magic touch: We should all be so lucky as to have the direct approach of a passing touch on our arm.  There is little more comforting and exciting than the human touch.  In flirting, the gentler the better.  Be sure that you first are welcome in their intimate space before closing the gap to a touch.  Men are well advised to again take the lead from the woman.  Women set the pace.

Responding and connecting: If you’ve made it through the first four seconds of meeting someone you have a chance at connecting.  In that moment in time you and they have already decided if they find you to be intelligent, likeable and if they can trust you.  Don’t waste your time on those you don’t make a connection with.  The general statistics are that only 1 person in 4 is even a possible match for having any connection much less a romantic connection.

Responding and connecting

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Now is the time to engage in light conversation and to match your body language to theirs.  The more you can get the other person to talk about themselves while you show sincere interest, the more they are likely to like you.  Show interest by listening.  See the handout on Listening Skills. Good listening skills are often overlooked as a part of the communication process.

Maybe – 19 body language clues that say “yes or maybe”

• Sidelong glance(s)

• Looks at you a few times

• Holds your gaze briefly

• Downcast eyes, then away

• Posture changes to erect

• Preens, adjusts hair, attire

• Picks lint (real or imaginary) off your clothes

• Turns body toward you

• Tilts head slightly to one side

• Narrows eyes slightly

• Smiles

• Matches your posture

• Eyes sparkle

• Licks lips

• Strong, firm handshake

• Natural tone, volume, pitch and pace of voice

• Altering facial expressions to match what is said (smiling when being friendly, etc.)

• Relaxed upright posture, arms swinging naturally while walking

• Nods

No way – 23 body language clues that say “not yet or no way”

• Never sneaks a peek

• Fleeting eye contact

• Looks away, eyes level

• Posture unchanged or slumps

• Turns body away

• Moves away

• Does no preening

• Arms Folded / Legs Crossed

• Head remains vertical

• Shifting eye movement or rapid changing of focus/direction

• Neutral, polite face or negative expression

• Normal or dull eyes

• Keeps mouth closed

• Leans back and looks down

• Limp, weak handshake

• Leans in too close

• Weak, soft voice

• Stars at other person during silences

• Maintains eye contact too long (over 7-10 seconds)

• Rigid, stooped posture, feet shuffling

• Folded arms, crossed legs, picking lint off own clothing

• Twiddles thumbs, drums fingers

• Clenches or wrings hands, plays with jewelry

When in doubt: If you are in doubt about what is being said, the best course of action is to ask for clarification.  “I sense you are (preoccupied, nervous, distracted, concerned, etc.), would you like me to (leave, talk to you another time, ask for a dance later, etc.).  Thanks for the chance to meet if even for a moment.”  People really appreciate honesty and sensitivity.  You have a chance to gauge their reaction to what you have said and perhaps build a relationship from there.  Communication is the foundation of all relationships.  It is crucial that you work on building effective communication skills.

|Self-esteem and body language – flirting and romance: The most beautiful men and women sometimes suffer an inner turmoil in | |

|silence.  Beneath the gorgeous façade they wage a war with their own sense of self-esteem.  Take nothing for granted when you meet| |

|one of these beautiful people.  We are all grateful they are for the kind word and supportive relationship that good people can | |

|offer.  Building your own self-esteem and self understanding can help you balance your inner self.  That inner beauty will radiate| |

|naturally through into your body language. | |

|Like any language, learning body language can take study and practice.  Have fun with your journey. | |

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|Body language for introverts – shyness – the quiet minority Fully 25 percent of all people have an introverted personality | |

|profile.  They are the quiet minority standing in the corner while the extroverted majority seems to take the spotlight and | |

|attract all the good looking girls and guys. | |

|As an introvert, I often felt bad and sometimes even inferior as my extroverted friends navigated the social scene with style and | |

|grace.  I felt bad sitting in the corner, wondering what was wrong with me.  Why couldn’t I “get the girls” and make friends as | |

|easily as they could?  | |

|It wasn’t until I took personality profiles that clearly identified my introverted tendencies that I learned to be comfortable | |

|with who I am.  Understanding one’s self is a powerful step on the journey of life.  It really is okay to be who you are.  | |

|Here’s a quick indicator of where you might be on the introvert/extrovert scale.  Without spending much time just choose which | |

|column you prefer more for each of the following 6 pairs. | |

|Would you rather (Choose from Column A or B): | |

|Pair | |

|Column A | |

|Column B | |

| | |

|1 | |

|Watch a group play games | |

|Lead the games | |

| | |

|2 | |

|Talk to one person | |

|Entertain a group of people | |

| | |

|3 | |

|Go out with one or two people | |

|Have an entourage | |

| | |

|4 | |

|Go to the movies | |

|Go to a busy club | |

| | |

|5 | |

|Read a book or play a video game | |

|Dance all night | |

| | |

|6 | |

|Be on the sidelines | |

|Be center stage | |

| | |

|  | |

|If you chose 4 or more from column A, you may be more of an introvert than extrovert.  If you chose 3 from each, you can go both | |

|ways. And if you chose 4 or more from column B you are more of an extrovert.  Of course, if you consider yourself shy and others | |

|tell you that you are shy, that’s a good indicator right off the bat.  If you want a better self understanding, we highly | |

|recommend the book “Please Understand Me II.” | |

|Research on compatibility says that good, long lasting relationships are built on a sharing of fundamental principles and values. | |

|A sharing of similar interests is also important.  On the other hand, couples can enjoy differences in personality as measured for| |

|extroversion/introversion.  Introverts tend to enjoy the companionship of moderate extroverts as they bring balance to the | |

|relationship.  Extreme extroverts may prefer moderate or extreme extroverts.  In any case it is critical to understand yourself | |

|and your partner well.  What you find titillating, exciting or interesting during dating might become overwhelming or boring in | |

|the long term.  | |

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|The good news is that we all have the opportunity to learn, grow and flex to a degree in our personality style as we mature.  An | |

|introvert can learn to manage well in previously uncomfortable situations and extroverts can learn to appreciate quiet company | |

|with someone they love. | |

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