Reconciliation - Living in Love
reconciliation
overview
Timing
|Exercise 5 | |
|Reconciliation |70 min Total Exercise |
| | |
| |30 min Talk |
| |5 min Instructions for writing |
| |15 min Writing |
| |20 min Couple Reconciliation/explanation |
OBJECTIVE
To help each individual open to the grace of repentance in order to accomplish a tender reconciliation for the couple and an experience of growing closer through forgiveness and healing.
Key Teaching Points
• Love means more than just saying, “I‘m sorry”.
• Sin inflicts pain on others, especially those closest to us. To have a change of heart, we have to face the pain we inflict.
• We think we can't have sexual offenses once we get married, but in fact they are more frequent during marriage than before.
• Relationships of deep trust are more vulnerable to hurt, but reconciliation can be a means to even greater growth in love.
Prayer
For a humble, repentant spirit.
Scripture
LUKE 18:9-14. The Pharisee and the Tax Collector
RECONCILIATION
INTRODUCTION:
One of the most powerful charisms of the Sacrament of Matrimony is the beautiful ability to truly reconcile. We can actually grow closer as a result of reconciliation. We can be better than we were before the break in relationship happened. It is not a matter of just patching things up to restore the peace. We actually become more sensitive and more aware of each other, more bonded, because the trust has grown and we have become more filled with compassion. Very often when celibates forgive they just give up being angry. They may even act civilly, but they do not forgive and forget the way a couple in love does. Really good couples often can’t remember what they were hurt about in the first place, but they do remember making up, especially if there were tears.
|SHARING: |Briefly tell the story of a recent incident from your daily life when one or both of you hurt the other’s |
|Both spouses. |feelings. Keep the details of the incident itself brief but highlight the process of deciding to ask |
|2-3 minutes. |forgiveness and the joy of being forgiven. Especially include how you felt when the other asked for |
| |forgiveness. It normally works best if the one who caused the break starts the story and the other ends it |
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| | |
It is crucial in marriage to say more than just, “I’m sorry.” I am sorry is a good start, especially if you seldom say it, and if it is said with great sincerity, but to restore the relationship you must go further and say, “Will you forgive me?”
This Exercise will help us to both seek and experience forgiveness. It will offer reconciliation between husband and wife. It does not involve absolution of our sins which comes only with Sacramental Reconciliation, a good "Confession", but it does offer the restoration of intimacy that comes with forgiving with love, and no one forgives better than good husbands and wives.
To begin, briefly jot down your answers to these questions.
( Which of you is the first to say you’re sorry? (pause)
( Do you actually say, “I’m sorry”? (pause)
( Do you also say, “Please, forgive me”? (pause)
( How often do you examine your conscience for sins against
your spouse? Often? Sometimes? Never? (pause)
Actually, when we examine our conscience, we ought to look first at our behavior toward our spouse. First, because our marital sins too often go unexamined, and secondly, because the potential for serious sin is so great. In relationship, the severity of the offense is proportional to the amount of damage and pain it causes, and we are much more vulnerable and much more intimate with each other in marriage than in any other relationship; so, the potential for hurting each other is so much greater.
We think that the only possible marital sin is adultery. In reality, marital sin encompasses all the ways we diminish the breadth and depth of our love for each other. Our spouse trusts us so much more than anyone else - rejection, coldness, indifference, self-centeredness, using, and taking for granted hurt that much deeper. Because our sexuality is involved, it cuts to the core of our personhood.
When the trust level has been damaged, we tend to withdraw, limit how much we're willing to risk, and begin to settle for measuring our success in marriage in terms of living up to roles and obligations.
If we're ever to experience the atmosphere of passion and delight that fuels the joy of being married, we have to rebuild the trust between us wherever it's been damaged.
We will never be truly sorry nor be motivated to change our behavior until we get in touch with the real pain we inflict, see the tracks we've made, and deepen our compassion for our spouse.
marital sin:
We tend to associate "sin" with offending God, breaking His rules, maybe even the Ten Commandments. That's true, but it is also true that our actions always involve an offense against the Body of Christ here on earth. Our spouse is that part of the Body of Christ whom we are closest to, most intimate with, and whom we have the potential to hurt the most.
We're not talking about adultery here. This is not the time to reveal something our spouse is unaware of. The sins we will be facing are the ones our spouse is very much aware of, the ones which have already caused them pain.
The tone of this Exercise will be one of an examination of conscience. We want to look at the sinfulness of our behavior both in terms of things we have done, sins of commission, and things we should have but have not done, sins of omission.
We tend to shrug off sins of omission in our own life, but in the story of the “Good Samaritan”, we are more offended by those who pass the man on the side of the road than with the robbers who beat him and left him there.
Prayer Team Wife
For the grace of a humble, repentant spirit and real sorrow for our sins.
This is the grace to see how small we are in the light of how big God is. It's a sense of being so loved that we could never be worthy of it.
A “repentant spirit” or “sorrow” is not to be confused with “guilt.” Guilt is decidedly unhelpful. Guilt turns us inward, away from love, away from God and away from each other . It focuses my attention on me and on how bad “I” am . Sorrow, on the other hand, focuses my attention on you, on how good “you” are, and how good God is. It opens us up to God’s mercy and love with a humble, contrite heart.
Experiencing real sorrow doesn't come easy. St Ignatius calls this the grace of compunction and says that when fully present it is always accompanied by tears. This doesn't mean that we can't reconcile without tears, just that we shouldn't be ashamed of our tears. We should consider them a grace and be grateful for them. Married couples know that the best reconciliations are the ones done in tears. You never remember the hurt, just the making up.
The grace of a Repentant Spirit is a "grace" not a "disgrace". It's not a put-down but a sign of holiness.
Facing our sins is "positive", not "negative". We face them, not to see how bad we are but to get rid of them, so that we can be our full selves. There is great freedom and joy in this, and it helps us to grow closer.
It is an other-centered disposition of soul. We become more aware of the other.
We don't want to be saying "I'm a rotten person", but rather, "How could I have done that to him, to her when he or she is so good".
We don't want to be beating up on ourselves or putting ourselves down, we want to raise our awareness of how good our spouse is.
|SHARING: |Share how you are personally resisting the grace of a repentant spirit and what helps you to open to the |
|Both spouses. |grace or pray more fervently for it. Mention 2-3 additional typical resistances not included in the |
|2 minutes. |personal sharing. For example: |
| |- Pride - don't want to admit I'm wrong, don't want to be the first to surrender. Always needing to be |
| |RIGHT! |
| |- Stubborness - sticking to the issue because I want him/her to change and not wanting to look at how I'm |
| |hurting my spouse and failing him/her because then I might have to give up my case against him/her. |
| |- Fear of rejection - I don't want to risk forgiveness being withheld from me. |
| |- Self-pity - I'm hurting, I can’t see beyond my own pain to acknowledge that I have sinned too. |
| |- Fear of change - If I face into how I'm hurting him/her, I will have to change my behavior. |
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| |- Shame - I'm too ashamed and unworthy of forgiveness, so I won't ask for it. |
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Whenever we are afraid to ask forgiveness, it always helps to remember how we felt the last time someone humbly asked our forgiveness, or when someone was sincerely repentant.
PRAY: (2 minutes)
The prayer should be prepared but offered spontaneously and with genuine feeling
Link hands with the whole group
Pray to the Father. Pray not just for your individual good for your sake, but for the good and sake of the whole Body of Christ. Always close with a phrase such as, "Thru Christ our Lord," In Jesus' name," or "Through the intercession of our Lord, Jesus Christ."
Pray out loud firstly for yourself (30 seconds) and then for the group as a whole.
Scripture
LUKE 18:9-14 The Pharisee and the Tax Collector
Read directly from the Bible. The preferred text below is taken from the New American version. It is included in the Outline for use only if no Bible is available.
"He then spoke this parable addressed to those who believed in their own self-righteousness while holding everyone else in contempt: 'Two men went up to the temple to pray; one was a Pharisee, the other a tax collector.
The Pharisee with head unbowed prayed in this fashion: 'I give you thanks, O God, that I am not like the rest of men - grasping, crooked, adulterous - or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week. I pay tithes on all I possess.' The other man, however, kept his distance, not even daring to raise his eyes to heaven.
All he did was beat his breast and say, 'O God, be merciful to me, a sinner.' Believe me, this man went home from the temple justified but the other did not. For everyone who exalts himself shall be humbled while he who humbles himself shall be exalted."
Humility is the key to forgiveness and to the kind of reconciliation that can draw us closer as a couple.
Admitting that we have failed takes humility and that humility can help to endear us to each other. Facing the pain we have caused in the other can sensitize us so that we learn how to love the other better.
We can also grow closer through the process because asking for forgiveness requires vulnerability and vulnerability can build intimacy and trust. The actual experience of granting forgiveness is always a positive act of recommitment and being forgiven can be powerfully affirming and liberating.
Discernment of Sins
As a general rule, the team wife addresses the sins most applicable (but not exclusively so) to women, and the team husband those most relevant to men.
What we want to do now is to set you up to write a very special love letter to each other asking for forgiveness for the times you have failed to be as generous, other-centered, or life-giving as you now desire to be.
To help you to decide what you want to ask forgiveness for, we are going to lead you through an examination of conscience that addresses common hurtful attitudes and behaviors, major behavior patterns that damage the sexual charism in marriage. This is a discernment of how we treat our spouse not how they treat us. We're judging our sinfulness, not theirs.
The best way to do this is to write while we are speaking, anything that strikes you, that makes you say, "Yes, that's the way I am."
Anger Team Wife
Nothing destroys the sexual atmosphere in marriage like anger.
We're not talking about a "feeling" of anger that comes over us spontaneously - we can't help that.
We know that feelings are neither right nor wrong because we don't choose them. Sin enters in when we choose to vent or act out the anger, or worse yet, to allow ourselves to fall into a pattern or lifestyle of anger, to live angry.
Let's ask ourselves. When do I get angry? How do I get angry? What's my style? Is it cold as ice, a steely silence, a stiff forbidding presence, or do I erupt like a volcano and lash out?
Do I threaten, either verbally or physically?
Do I withhold affection or forgiveness until my spouse gives in? Do I withhold sex?
Do I lay guilt? Do I say things to make my spouse feel bad if they don't do what I want?
Do I mull over and rehearse what I'm going to say? Do I fuel my anger by replaying all the ways I think he or she lets me down?
Do I criticize? This is a cancer that all divorces have in common. Criticism destroys self esteem. In men it translates into a gutting experience of failure, failure to make the woman he loves happy. It is debilitating and emasculating. Sociologists tell us that we recover far more quickly from physical abuse than verbal abuse. What criticisms does my spouse hear from my lips? What critical thoughts color my disposition toward him or her?
Do I gossip? Do I talk negatively about my spouse? Do I allow my friends to reinforce my own critical thoughts about my spouse, our marriage, or my negative attitudes about men or women in general?
Pride Team Husband
Do I take pride in controlling my emotions, even to the point that I appear to have none? Do I hide from intimacy by denying that something upsets or touches me? Do I take pride in being a "rock"?
Do I resist admitting when I'm wrong? Do I have a desire to be "right" all the time?
Do I tend to feel sorry for myself and steep myself in self-pity?
Do I throw my weight around, emotionally, spiritually, verbally, or physically?
Do I take my spouse for granted? How aware am I of what he or she goes through day in and day out?
Team Wife
Do I have a desire to be the center of attention in the home?
Am I jealous of my spouse's career or travel? Do I resent having to stay at home with the kids? Do I you resent not being able to stay home?
Do I expect my spouse to pursue me sexually?
Do I, in any way, even subtly, pressure my spouse to perform financially, socially or in any other way?
Superiority and control Team wife
Do I assume my way of doing things is better than my spouse's? Do I think I know best about things in the home? Outside of the home? Do I insist on doing what I think is best? Does my spouse feel irrelevant or not listened to?
Do I cut my spouse out of parenting by insisting he (or she) parent my way? Do I see the kids as "my" children? Do I undermine my spouse's authority by contradicting what he says? Do I teach our children not to respect their father by criticizing him in front of them?
How do I exert "No" power? Does my spouse have to earn my affection, attention, or sex? Does he always have to initiate?
Do I control my spouse with negative body language?
Do I stifle or put limits on my spouse's way of expressing love to me?
Do I nag, complain, cry, or get angry to get my way? Do I use sex to appease my spouse or to dispose him to my point of view?
Do I manipulate my spouse with my moods?
Is my spouse always the one who has to say, "I'm sorry."
Team Husband
Am I chauvinistic? Do I think that being a man makes me the "head of the house", puts me in charge? Do I patronize my spouse making her feel "pretty but irrelevant"? Is she made to feel foolish or dependent? (Is he made to feel like a child afraid to break my rules?)
Do I control the money? Do I have the last word on financial decisions?
Do I control my spouse by refusing to talk to her (or him)?
Irresponsibility Team Husband
How have I abandoned or been independent of my spouse? Do I withdraw in the face of strong feelings? Do I focus my time and energy outside the home?
Do I travel in my job or work overtime as a way to maintain independence?
Is my spouse the primary or even the only parent? Does she have to make most of the day-to-day decisions about the kids? How willing am I to share responsibility for bathing, clothing, or feeding the children? How often do I step in to solve their squabbles or deal with their moods?
How uninvolved am I in the cooking? Laundry? Decorating? Does my indifference communicate that these things are a waste of my time?
Is it up to my wife to take initiatives for our marriage to improve or grow stronger?
How often do I initiate intimate personal communication revealing my deep feelings?
Do I leave it up to my wife not to get pregnant? or to get pregnant? Is she desperately alone in that? or frightened?
Team Wife
Does my spouse have to take the hit alone for the physically difficult work or tough financial decisions?
How uninvolved am I in mowing the lawn? Shoveling the snow? Repairing the car? Does my indifference communicate that these things are not important or unappreciated?
How often do I initiate intimate sexual communication?
Do I take sex for granted? How often do I praise my spouse's sexuality?
Obviously, we have focused this examine on things we have been looking at today, but if you have been unkind, critical or unresponsive in any other way, please add that to your own examination of conscience.
letters of Reconciliation
The purpose of this discernment was to surface specific behaviors for which we are sorry and for which we will be anxious to ask for forgiveness from our spouse. We believe the best way to capture our spirit of repentance is in the form of a love letter.
As we provide detailed instructions on how to write your letter, we ask that you listen carefully without trying to write down what we are saying. Before you actually begin to write, we will provide a handout that summarizes everything we are about to say; so, you won’t need your own notes.
What would be helpful is to begin to capture what you want to say in your letter while we speak, and you may want to use your journals for that.
The following process is summarized on the handout.
1. Begin your letter by remembering what is most lovable and virtuous about your spouse. Write down one or two of their best qualities.
2. Keep focused on how good he or she is as you Identify briefly your patterns of behavior that most cause them pain or loneliness.
3. Describe the pain you inflict. How you think it makes them feel. Spend most of the writing time on this. Imagine what it must be like to be them. Don’t offer excuses or cast blame. Just focus on how you imagine your spouse must feel when you are irresponsible, say "no", withdraw, don't listen or whatever. Give as many examples as you can. We're not looking for the "why". We just want to look at what we are doing that hurts our spouse and try to internalize their hurt so that we can truly have a change of heart. This is something our women will have trouble with. Please, don't write down who caused you to sin, just put down the sins. Our men tend not to give enough detail. It's not enough to say "I don't listen to you". Specify exactly how you've hurt your wife and what you imagine the hurt is like. Women find it easier to face their hurts than their sins. Men find it easier to face their sins than their hurts.
4. Describe how sorrowful you are, how you feel now, facing the pain you're causing. Tell your spouse how sorry you are for having hurt them. Ask their forgiveness in writing
Examine to what degree you have achieved a full repentant spirit and what blocks may be preventing you from experiencing a higher level of sorrow.
5. Finally, write one thing you will do in order to change your behavior toward your spouse.
Reconciliation
When the writing time is up, please join your spouse.
Begin by praying together for the grace of compassion, to feel the pain your behavior inflicts on your spouse. Pray also, for the grace to forgive and to communicate that forgiveness most convincingly.
After you've prayed, the one who is usually not the first to say they're sorry should go first.
Slowly, read your letter to your spouse.
When you finish, ask for forgiveness from your spouse.
The person listening should not try to talk their spouse out of their sin or make excuses for them. We do that out of love for our spouse, but it's not in the best interests of the marriage. There can't be forgiveness and reconciliation unless the sins are acknowledged. When your spouse asks for forgiveness, grant it “lavishly.”
Please do not be stingy. Take it on as your job to make the other feel forgiven. Remember, you are married, and you can be passionately convincing.
Grant forgiveness in a way that convinces your spouse that they are completely forgiven.
Then the other spouse reads his/her letter and receives forgiveness.
MOTIVATION FOR Reconciliation
(Team Wife)
Lastly, we would like to share with you what the experience of writing a Letter of Reconciliation was for us. I am going to make myself vulnerable and read to you the actual letter that I wrote to my husband at this point on our Living in Love weekend. It is definitely not a “perfect letter,” but I share it with you, because I want to encourage you to be vulnerable to each other.
We know that this is particularly difficult for women. It seems that men have a harder time facing their hurts than their sins, whereas we women find it more difficult to admit that we have sinned or failed to love than to admit that we have been hurt.
In fact, we often want to justify why we sin by explaining how we have been hurt. Just focusing on the effect of our behavior on our spouse really helps to get us out of ourselves. This was a very special experience of asking and granting forgiveness for us as a couple, and we know it will be for you too.
This is the letter I wrote
|SHARING: |Share a meaningful experience of reconciliation between you and your husband. Preferably, this will recount|
|Team Wife |what occurred during the “Reconciliation Exercise” on your Living in Love Weekend. Ideally, it would be |
|1-2 minutes |your experience of facing the damage your control has inflicted on your husband including any tears of |
| |repentance or feelings of compunction. |
|Husband shares his response to his | |
|wife’s letter |Please read the letter that you wrote to your husband (feel free to edit as appropriate) as a way to model |
| |what they are about to do. |
|up to 1 minute |The husband shares his response to his wife’s letter – how he felt hearing his wife ask for forgiveness and |
| |how he communicated his forgiveness to her. |
| | |
| |The wife tells how she asked for and received her husband's forgiveness and the joy of reconciliation, |
| |acceptance, and renewed trust. |
We can't be freed from our sin until we seek forgiveness. We see sin as a private affair, but when we sin we hurt the Church.
That is why we are asking you, on behalf of the Church, to reconcile with your spouse.
Optional opportunity for Sacramental Reconciliation
Some parishes choose to offer the Sacrament of Reconciliation between the Couple Reconciliation and Dinner. This is a wonderful opportunity to seal in the forgiveness of the couple with the forgiveness of the Lord, but it is not always possible due to priest availability. If the pastor, parish priests or other diocesan priests can be available, use the following invitation to set up for the reception of the sacrament.
Once you have lavishly granted forgiveness to each other, we encourage you to take advantage of a special opportunity to experience the Sacrament of Reconciliation as well.
Very often when couples experience how they can actually grow closer and more in love through personal reconciliation with each other, the Sacrament of Reconciliation begins to make more sense to them as a way to grow closer to God
We also begin to recognize that, just like in a family, what one member does effects the others and reflects on the whole family. The same is true in our Catholic faith family. When we hurt each other, we diminish the level of love in the church. So, we need to seek forgiveness not just from God, but also from the church.
Give specific details as to where and when the priest(s) will be available. Then, reiterate briefly and clearly the sequence of events. If you expect a large number of participants to receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation, you will most likely need to build in up to 15 minutes additional time before dinner. In any event, you should not be going into dinner later than 7:00 pm.
The first thing to do is write your letters. We will let you know when that time is up, and then you can go off as a couple and find a private spot to pray, read your letters, and grant each other forgiveness, “lavishly.”
Priest(s) will be available from (specify the time) until we go into dinner. There are a few fun instructions for dinner; so, please gather back in the conference room at (normally 6:45 but specify the time they need to be back).
Distribute the Reconciliation Process Handout and give the participants permission to go where they want. Allow 10-15 minutes for writing and 15-20 minutes for couple Reconciliation.
Once the couples have returned from Reconciliation, proceed with the following instructions for sharing over dinner.
Dinner instructions:
To make this romantic dinner extra special, we have an assignment for you. The tables will be set up with seating for three couples to have dinner together. You are free to sit with any two couples you chose.
Once you are seated, please share with the other two couples at your table, your story of how you met and fell in love. We know that there are often two versions of that story . They are both valid but what is more important is that each of you is sure to include:
• What you were first attracted to
• When you knew you were in love, and
• When you knew that you wanted to marry him or her?
Obviously you can have as much fun with this as you like.
You might want to mention the circumstances of the first kiss, who proposed and how, or some of your fondest romantic memories.
We also know that these stories get better with time but the comical details are not as much a gift to the others as the glimpse of your very special love relationship.
No effort would be too much to create a truly romantic atmosphere. Candlelight, music and wine are highly recommended. Couples who have already made Living in Love are invited to serve as wait staff.
At Dinner, the normal arrangement is for tables of 3 couples each. If it is necessary to put 4 couples at a table, one and only one should be a presenting team. This sharing is important to prepare them for Sunday.
RECONCILlATlON PROCESS
There are three steps to reconciliation:
1. Face the sin - face the pain we are causing
2. Feel the sorrow - internalize the pain and have a change of heart.
3. Ask forgiveness - reconcile with the one we are hurting.
RECONCILIATION LETTERS
1. Remember what is most lovable and virtuous about your spouse.
2. Briefly, identify the actions you engage in that hurt your spouse.
3. Describe the pain you inflict. Spend 10 of the 15 minutes on this. Describe it fully until the pain pulses on the page - no making excuses, putting blame on your spouse, or justifying your behavior. Focus on how you imagine your spouse must feel when you are irresponsible, say "No", withdraw, don't listen, or whatever. Give as many examples as you can.
4. Describe how sorrowful you are, how you feel facing the pain you’re causing. Tell your spouse how sorry you are for having hurt them. Ask their forgiveness. Examine to what degree you have achieved a fully repentant spirit. Ask yourself what would allow you to experience a higher level of sorrow.
5. Finally, write down one thing that you will do in order to change your behavior toward your spouse.
COUPLE RECONCILIATION
Go to your spouse.
Pray for the graces of compassion, forgiveness, and for the ability to communicate your forgiveness to your spouse [1-2 minutes].
The one who is usually not the first to say they're sorry should go first.
Slowly read your letter to your spouse.
At the end, ask for forgiveness from your spouse.
When your spouse asks for forgiveness, take possession of the offense so that you can choose to grant forgiveness.
Grant forgiveness in a way that convinces your spouse that they are completely forgiven.
Then the other spouse reads his or her letter.
After reconciling, return to the presentation area.
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