We May Not Need Valentine’s Day…But We Definitely Need …



Valentine's Day From an Islamic Perspective

Question

Respected scholars, as-salamu `alaykum! Thank you very much for the wonderful service you provide and more grease to your elbow! Could you please furnish me with the Islamic view on celebrating the Valentine’s Day?

Wa `alaykum As-Salamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.

First of all, we’d like to shed light on the origin of this festival, known as "Valentine Day" or "Festival of Love":

The Festival of Love was one of the festivals of the pagan Romans, when paganism was the prevalent religion of the Romans more than seventeen centuries ago. In the pagan Roman concept, it was an expression of "spiritual love".

There were myths associated with this pagan festival of the Romans, which persisted with their Christian heirs. Among the most famous of these myths was the Roman belief that Romulus, the founder of Rome, was suckled one day by a she-wolf, which gave him strength and wisdom.

The Romans used to celebrate this event in mid-February each year with a big festival.

One of the rituals of this festival was the sacrifice of a dog and a goat. Two strong and muscular youths would daub the blood of the dog and goat onto their bodies, then they would wash the blood away with milk. After that there would be a great parade, with these two youths at its head, which would go about the streets. The two youths would have pieces of leather with which they would hit everyone who crossed their path. The Roman women would welcome these blows, because they believed that they could prevent or cure infertility.

The connection between Saint Valentine and this festival:

Saint Valentine is a name which is given to two of the ancient "martyrs" of the Christian Church. It was said that there were two of them, or that there was only one, who died in Rome as the result of the persecution of the Gothic leader Claudius, c. 296 CE. In 350 CE, a church was built in Rome on the site of the place where he died, to perpetuate his memory.

When the Romans embraced Christianity, they continued to celebrate the Feast of Love mentioned above, but they changed it from the pagan concept of "spiritual love" to another concept known as the "martyrs of love", represented by Saint Valentine who had advocated love and peace, for which cause he was martyred, according to their claims. It was also called the Feast of Lovers, and Saint Valentine was considered to be the patron saint of lovers.

One of their false beliefs connected with this festival was that the names of girls who had reached marriageable age would be written on small rolls of paper and placed in a dish on a table. Then the young men who wanted to get married would be called, and each of them would pick a piece of paper. He would put himself at the service of the girl whose name he had drawn for one year, so that they could find out about one another. Then they would get married, or they would repeat the same process again on the day of the festival in the following year.

The Christian clergy reacted against this tradition, which they considered to have a corrupting influence on the morals of young men and women. It was abolished in Italy, where it had been well-known, then it was revived in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, when in some western countries there appeared shops which sold small books called “Valentine’s books”, which contained love poems, from which the one who wanted to send a greeting to his sweetheart could choose. They also contained suggestions for writing love letters.

The above quotation is excerpted, with slight modifications, from Islam-

As regards the Islamic stance on this festival, Dr. Su`ad Ibrahim Salih, professor of Islamic Jurisprudence (Fiqh) at Al-Azhar University, states the following:

Indeed, Islam is the religion of altruism, true love, and cooperation on that which is good and righteous. We implore Allah Almighty to gather us together under the umbrella of His All-encompassing Mercy, and to unite us together as one man. Allah Almighty says: (The believers are naught else than brothers. Therefore make peace between your brethren and observe your duty to Allah that haply ye may obtain mercy.) (Al-Hujurat 49: 10)

Focusing more on the question in point, I can say that there are forms of expressing love that are religiously acceptable, while there are others that are not religiously acceptable. Among the forms of love that are religiously acceptable are those that include the love for Prophets and Messengers. It stands to reason that the love for Allah, and His Messenger Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) should have the top priority over all other forms of love.

Islam does recognize happy occasions that bring people closer to one another, and add spice to their lives. However, Islam goes against blindly imitating the West regarding a special occasion such as Valentine’s Day. Hence, commemorating that special day known as the Valentine’s Day is an innovation or bid`ah that has no religious backing. Every innovation of that kind is rejected, as far as Islam is concerned. Islam requires all Muslims to love one another all over the whole year, and reducing the whole year to a single day is totally rejected.

Hence, we Muslims ought not to follow in the footsteps of such innovations and superstitions that are common in what is known as the Valentine’s Day. No doubt that there are many irreligious practices that occur on that day, and those practices are capable of dissuading people from the true meanings of love and altruism to the extent that the celebration is reduced to a moral decline.

What is love?

 

I think you have asked the million dollar question here. As short as your question is, it is not very easy to answer and many spend much of their lives trying to seek something that is other than what it is. I suppose I could say it is a feeling, but how many feelings do we have each day that are correct and have a healthy or unhealthy longevity when the next day comes?

 

I am assuming here that you mean 'love' as in the love between a man and a woman.

 

Romantic Love

This kind of love we are most familiar with because we have been nurtured on it through songs and the media in general. It is also a kind of addiction/obssession that can drive one to do haram acts. This is the nature of any addiction after all!

 

It is a desire that eminates from our lower desires and so is therefore rooted in the nafs an-ammarah bi`s-su (the self-comanding soul) (12: 53), which is dominated by the earthly senses and thus selfish. Romantic love is never happy unless it is being attended to by the object of that love, and is jealous when the person 'loved' has his attention elsewhere. This attention might be work, friends, family or another.

 

Recent studies in neuroscience, support the precautions called upon in Islam. Helen Fisher's team at Rutgers University scanned the brains of couples who were newly in love while they gazed at photo's of their sweethearts. Activity soars in the brain's reward system. That result, Fisher says, in "fierce energy, concentrated motivation to attain a reward, and feelings of elation, even mania – the core feelings of romantic love". Other areas linked with negative emotions and assessing other people's intentions switched off. Romantic love also included activation of the hypothalamus, where the sex hormone testosterone is produced. Lust, the sexual part of love, is unsurprisingly, switched on in romantic love. – Scientific America

 

So, given the above results, if one becomes so engrossed with the person 'loved', one is unaware other people's intentions, including the one who is 'loved'. This where much emotional damage can be done to either party, especially when individuals become prey to the feelings of 'romantic love' which lead to pre-marital relationships. If the relationship moves towards marriage, the doors of reality flies open and there might be not so pleasant surprises. One of those surprises is boredom with each other, because the relationship was not based on anything more than emotions.

 

Islamic scholar and philosopher abu Hamid al-Ghazali (may Allah be pleased with him) wrote any man whose daughter had many suitors asked Prophet Muhammed on how he should decide. Prophet Muhammed said: "To the one who fears God; because if he loves her, he will be kind to her, and if he hates her, he will not wrong her" and "Whoever gives his daughter in marriage to a licentious man has betrayed her womb".  

 

We underestimate the level of bio-chemical reactions that are taking place in our bodies when it come to emotion, but mostly, it does not even occur to us that it is anything other than emotions, but even thought as a bio-chemical base. The point of this is, we should realize that when we allow a certain negative emotion to occur, that we not necessarily in full control of ourselves ones the hormones react to those emotions.

 

Neuroscience has found that:

 

• Higher levels of testosterone and estrogen are present when one feels lust.

• Levels of dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin increase when attracted

 

Unconditional Love

 

{"And among His wonders is this: He creates for you mates out of your own kind, so that you might incline towards them, and He engenders love and tenderness between you: in this, behold, there are messages indeed for people who think!"} (Rum 30:21).

 

Unaware as to wether you are a Muslim or not, the above quotation is from our book of guidance, the Qur`an. Much advice is given, including the relationship between a wife and husband. It does not merely speak of a physical intimacy, but most importantly, emotional intimacy which is an essential ingredient in unconditional love. It is a process of getting to know the other person as he is (not as you want him to be), to share in duties and responsibilities and to always be there as a friend. This is more important than any physical intimacy because it is the basis, of intimacy and the key to a bonding relationship that provides a buoyancy through the difficult times. It is a process of building trust, the kind of trust whereby the couple can get to know each other's weaknesses and strengths without taking advantage or wanting to. The husband is an open book to the wife and vice versa with both respecting and sharing in each others needs, aspirations, time. There is:

• Mutual trust

• Tenderness

• Acceptance is unconditional approval in a relationship. No one is perfect.

• Open communication is the ability to discuss anything with your spouse.

• Caring  is genuine concern for your spouse's well-being. If you do things you know hurt your spouse, you cannot have healthy intimacy.

• Apologies  are the remedy for mistakes that spouses inevitably make. Recognizing mistakes, taking responsibility for them, expressing remorse for any hurt caused, and making a commitment to change the hurtful behavior are all essential to mending the relationship after a mistake

• Forgiveness  is the process of letting go of anger, desire for revenge, and obsessive thinking about times your spouse has hurt you. It includes giving your spouse permission to have weaknesses, make mistakes, and change.

• Appropriate boundaries are the limits you place on a relationship. The limits can be created individually or as a couple. These limits include saying "no" when your spouse asks you to do something that goes against your values or is more than you can handle.

• Friendship is the ingredient that lines a loving relationship. True friendship means that you will be there for one another and is the boat that takes you through rough times.

Neuroscience has found that the hormone Oxcytocin also boosts trust, which is an important step in developing a loving relationship

 

• Oxcytocin and vasopressin levels are higher in marriage = long term relationships signaled by the deep level of trust and bonding between spouses.

Spiritual Love

 

Loving for the sake of Allah takes a a good healthy marriage even further, because there is a love greater than the both of you and includes family, relatives, friends and all creation. This is what unites humanity in our Creator and as a marrired couple pray and worship together, it adds an unbreakable dimension the the marital relationship. In Islam this is referred to as tawhid, where there is a self-respect, modesty and remiss of arrogance or pride. Loving for the sake of Allah means loving others (including ones spouse) regardless of their flaws. When this aspect is strong within a marital relationship, physical intimacy becomes less important. Jealousy and possessiveness dwindles because the level of emotional bonding is so great.

 

Sheikh Muhammad Maulad tells us:

 

"The actual physical heart in our breast beats at about 100,000 times a day, pumping two gallons of blood per minute, 100 gallons per hour, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year for an entire life time! The vascular system that sends this life-giving blood is over 60,000 miles long: it is more than two times the circumference of the earth. Furthermore, it is interesting to note that the heart starts beating before the brain is formed; the heart begins to beat without any central nervous system. The dominant theory was that the central nervous system is what is controlling the entire human being from the brain, yet we know now that in fact the nervous system does not initiate the heartbeat. It is actually self-initiated; we would say, it is initiated by Allah subhanahu wa T'ala".

 

With this level of connection, the strong bond between a couple will extend to the family, relatives, neighbors and in turn heal society as a whole.

 

Finding the Love of Your Life

|By  Selma A. Cook |

|Staff Writer, Poet, Author - Egypt |

[pic]  [pic][pic]

We all hope and dream of finding the love of our life. It is a yearning that exists within the nature of humankind. Hence, Islam encourages marriage, and even refers to it as ‘half of our faith’. But for the sake of sanity, let’s put away the fairy-tale dreams of prince charming and happily-ever-after and take a snapshot from reality!

 

As with every worthwhile thing in life, finding a loving, fulfilling relationship is hard work. And that is not the end of the story, because then one has to maintain a loving fulfilling relationship. It requires a good amount of insight, self-awareness, giving, forgiving and faith that we as human beings can sometimes barely comprehend; yet, despite its awesome intricacy, and sometimes complexity, we strive to find it. We live in agony that we may not find it, then, when we do find it, we live in agony lest we should lose it! How pathetic we are! How much we need Allah’s help!

Snapshot 

With the rising rate of unsuccessful marriages perhaps it is time we take stock of what may be going on. I do not say ‘divorce rate’ because divorce is not the only indicator of a dysfunctional marriage; indeed, there are many marriages that are pasted together and are continuing but they are not built on the love and tranquility that Almighty Allah describes for us in His Noble Quran.

 

Approaching the whole idea of marriage with the attitude that this is ‘my’ right; something that ‘I’ want; and the attitude of what is this marriage going to do for ‘me’, is a big mistake. With such an attitude the person will be unable to step back, and take an objective look at themselves, and their role in a marital relationship. Without this kind of introspection, the marriage will very likely become dull, a routine, and a de-spiritualizing conveyor belt of human selfishness and short-sightedness.  Much of the fault for this unhappy phenomenon lies on our shoulders; we are just not spiritual enough.   

 

Perhaps it is a by-product of our materialistic age, but many people consider marriage in terms of how it will enhance their wealth, their status and their interests. Such people become so self-focused on material and social gains that the vast spiritual aspect of the relationship is lost for them. Ironically, they believe that a ‘stable’ marriage should in fact increase their wealth and social status, while the heart and the depth of the relationship; the place of true fulfillment, exists on another plane altogether. This state of harmony, deep feelings and commitment can not be purchased or bargained for. This is the state that people seek; this is what they mean when they say ‘I have found a soulmate.’ This state exists within us and between us, and our loved ones according to the state of our own individual heart. Indeed, the heart and soul of a human being is potentially far beyond our imagination. However if it is not purified, discerning and alive, it will not be able to participate in deep and meaningful relationships.

 

Soul Search

Keeping all this in mind, we become aware that our ability to be close to someone, to find harmony and, to communicate in depth as joy begins to fill our own hearts. When the heart is free of grudge, envy, and hate, and has the ability to accept people for what they are, the heart begins to feel free and insight begins to flicker and come to life. In this state of awareness and self- honesty , and without the harness of negativity and self-doubt, the soul can explore, appreciate and grow.

 

The shape of the heart changes with life events, our health, our mood and most of all, our closeness to Almighty Allah. We are probably all aware of how the soul is elated when we pray in true sincerity and concentration; this is the state of the soul that can love and be loved. We are also probably aware that even if we find a ‘soul mate’; one with whom we can find joy, harmony and tranquility; that this state fluctuates as is the case with human beings. We are not constant; our faith goes up and down and our ability to love and be loved also changes.

 

This is where the character and good habits of the individual come shining through. If one partner is feeling down or insecure, the other will identify the need and fill in the gap. The couple is like two elastic bands that adjust their tension according to the need so that harmony is always eventually reinstated.

 

The love of your life may be standing next to you right now. Your paths may have crossed, and you may have known each other for years in a public setting, but maybe you never realized the ‘heart’ of that person - the real person.

 

A marriage can be revived; it can find a way to grow and it can make a fresh start from a new angle. Sometimes the hearts of the couple have grown apart; perhaps they never tried to reach that spiritual plane where they can find rest in each other. Making the hearts more in tune, and keeping them in tune can take a life time, but since marriage is half of our faith, is it not worth the effort?!

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Selma Cook is the Managing Editor of Youth at Islam Online. She is a consultant and staff writer for Islam Online. 

True Love

Trying to Understand

|By  Living Shari`ah Staff |

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True love is one of the noblest and loftiest feelings that a person can experience. In addition, it is one of the blessings that Almighty Allah has graced human beings with.

 

However, many people misunderstand the notion of true love and confine it mainly to  man-woman affection. This type of love, though natural and significant, is not the only kind that we are blessed with. There are other important kinds of love that humans should be distinguished with so as to find joy, satisfaction and happiness.

 

This folder, therefore, attempts to pave the way for sound understanding of the concept of true love and all its types.

And (moreover) He has put affection between their hearts. Even if you had spent all that is in the earth, you could not have produced that affection, but God has done it: for He is Exalted in might, Wise. - Quran 8:63

Audio [pic]

“I Love You"

2/10/2005 - Social Religious - Article Ref: IC0011-237

Number of comments: 20

By: IslamiCity

IslamiCity* -

Nothing to worry about ... This is not about the malignant 'I Love You' virus that will erase the data on your hard disk, nor is it about the superficial dialogs that actors exchange in soap operas bringing tears to those sensitive viewers.

For decades, linguists have documented the changing meanings of certain expressions which are intimately related to a particular culture, period of time, heritage, civilization, tradition, and geographic location.  Not only has the expression 'I Love You' lost its value in today's world. Its true significance has been simplified and denigrated to the sensational way it is printed in greeting cards, or heard in songs, or generally portrayed in our fast and furious pop culture.

|He (Muhammad pbuh) advised us to say,|

|"I love you not but for the sake of  |

|Allah." Hadith |

However, it would not take much to reflect upon the Islamic teachings to bring this tiny phrase back to its proper context.  Recalling Prophet Muhammad's [pic]instruction to us not to shy away from saying 'I Love You For the Sake of God' to those God-loving individuals whom we feel close to, is just another reminder of the importance of communicating truthful feelings in a most honorable and meaningful way.

|And (moreover) He has put affection between their hearts. Even if you had spent all that is in the earth, you could not have produced that affection, but Allah |

|hath done it: for He is Exalted in might, Wise. [Quran 8:63 ] |

This short expression encompasses so many other divine values such as the understanding that an individual must always love for others what he or she loves for him or herself. In addition, by consciously carrying this prophetic instruction, one's love for God and his prophet [pic]supercedes any love for others, and the inhibition of being misunderstood for saying it, even amongst people of the same gender, automatically disappears.

By keeping our Love God centric, it will always remind us of our true responsibility towards the recipient of our love, be it our parents, spouses, children, family, friends, neighbors and humanity.

May God instill in us the love of humanity and make us remember the Sunnah of conveying our feelings to our family, friends and all those who are dear to us. And may He restore the meaning of this tiny expression to the level and respect it deserves.

The Making and Unmaking of Love

2/14/2005 - Social - Article Ref: IC0502-2609

Number of comments: 25

Opinion Summary: Agree:20  Disagree:2  Neutral:3

By: Dr. Mohammad Omar Farooq

IslamiCity* -

"Love and marriage, love and marriage; they go together, like horse and carriage...". 

What a beautiful song Frank Sinatra sang! The relationship between these two things was supposed to be so "elementary" that one could find out the truth just by asking the gentry. This song, of course, comes from a Sinatra movie. In real life, Frank Sinatra had so much love to share that he had four marriages. As a Hollywood star, rather a superstar, everyone knows that there would be times when horse and carriage might not go together. FRANKly speaking, to expect otherwise would be almost unthinkable.

In a world where "sacred" does not mean anything anymore, it is understandable that the idea of family has also become less important and relevant. While love is more of an emotional thing; sex is more of physical appetite, though these two are not mutually exclusive.

There is nothing deep about the fact that the newborns who come through a relationship that is based on love and some sacred bond may have better chance to have their own existence and reality be explored, understood, and regarded in a loving and sacred manner. However, those who come to this world merely on the roller coaster ride of sex, without any necessary link to "love and marriage" may tend to regard the whole life from the very same perspective that brought them to this world.

Sex passions are transient. It does not take very long to build the sexual passion: feed it to the climax, and it is all gone. Permanence does not mean anything in this context. Love does have a continuity and meaning. One can see in the nature that even in the animal kingdom examples abound that birds, apes, have sex generally with two implications: they build nests (or their homes) and they reproduce. It is not much different for the humanoids.

How old fashioned Mark Twain had been when he said, "Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century." (Mark Twain's Notebook) Sometime he had a different thought too: "It is not immoral to create the human species - with or without ceremony." [Mark Twain, a Biography].

All those nostalgic connections are so utterly outdated to our free-bird like spirit. Apparently, the old fashioned view is that a marriage can never take place without another marriage: that is between tying of the knot between marriage and love. But in the aftermath of the sexual liberation movement, our kewl attitude has no room for such kind of interTWAINining (deliberate misspelling) relationship as mentioned by Twain.

Making Love: The transformation of meaning

The whole idea of marriage has undergone a most radical transformation. There was a time when marriage meant a "union of a man and a woman as husband and wife". Some older dictionaries (e.g., The Advanced Learner's Dictionary of Current English of 1973 edition) has only one meaning of marriage as I just mentioned. We can't take it for granted that words mean the same as it used to. These days whenever someone is getting or got married, we have to politely ask whether it is "heterosex marriage" or "same-sex marriage". Who knows soon there might be marriages between human beings and animals? After all, we do have ancestral relatives (!) - according to some - living on and jumping from trees to trees. Since morally right or wrong is just relative thing, shouldn't everyone have his or her own definition? Therefore, what's all this fuss?

To understand this, let's first take a peek at the historical background of the changes we have experienced and what essentially we are undergoing. This period of radical cultural change was shaped by popular attitude regarding sex - as expressed by famous singer Tina Turner - "What's love got to do with it?" Indeed, love and sex became synonymous, as love as a euphemism for sex is found to be common to a lot of pop music from that period.* 

In the past, love used to "happen." People did not use to MAKE love like they made wagons, wars or fortunes. Yes, "making love" as an expression has been used centuries earlier, but not in the sense in which it is used now. For example, Shakespeare has Macbeth say to the murderers: "And thence it is that I to your assistance do make love." The phrase has been used by authors as diverse as John Dryden, Henry Fielding, Jane Austen; Thomas Hardy; Henry James and D H Lawrence.

However, until comparatively recently, the phrase meant something like this: 'to declare one's passion.' It had nothing whatsoever to do with having sex. Thus one finds in W. Somerset Maugham's 'Of Human Bondage' this interchange: 

"Did he make love to you?" he asked. The words seemed to stick funnily in his throat, but he asked them nevertheless. He liked Miss Wilkinson very much now, and was thrilled by her conversation, but he could not imagine anyone making love to her.

"What a question!" she cried. "Poor Guy, he made love to every woman he met. It was a habit that he could not break himself of."

Lines like these can cause much unintentional amusement to those who don't realize that the phrase once had a very different meaning. Martin Stent recalls having a class of A Level students howl with laughter when it got to this section of Austen's 'Emma':

.....but scarcely had she begun, scarcely had they passed the sweep-gate and joined the other carriage, than she found her subject cut up - her hand seized - her attention demanded, and Mr. Elton actually making violent love to her .....

Apparently, "make love" as an exclusive euphemism for having sex is a more recent coinage. Some relate it to the period during the 60's in the US when the anti-war movement was chanting slogans like "make love not war". Peter Frewer's "Mrs Grundy - Studies in English Prudery" just lists the phrase as appearing with that meaning in the late nineteenth century. Stuart Berg Flexner in "Speaking Freely" says the twentieth, but again with no clear citation.

Valerian's search on an excellent cd-rom library of pre-twentieth century texts showed every single one of the more than sixty authors cited used the phrase in its earlier meaning only - without any connotation of sex whatsoever. Not even DH Lawrence adopted the sexual definition, although he used the exact phrase in his 1913 novel "Sons and Lovers." This research does not include a reasonable search on twentieth century texts to trace the current usage.

The Making and Unmaking of Love

2/14/2005 - Social - Article Ref: IC0502-2609

Number of comments: 25

Opinion Summary: Agree:20  Disagree:2  Neutral:3

By: Dr. Mohammad Omar Farooq

IslamiCity* -

Liberation of love from marriage: The sexual revolution

One of the most significant influences of the sexual revolution was its success in securing a divorce between the presumably sacred link of love and marriage. Those who really believe that, morally, ethically, psychologically or socially, there is no essential link between love and marriage, the new marriage between love and sex was a great accomplishment. Whatever was the price, to them, it was worth. But what was the price? Higher divorce rate, infidelity, broken families, widespread teen-age pregnancy, weakened family bond, sexual promiscuity, too many unplanned pregnancy, abortion on demand, and so on. To many, especially those who believe that the relationship between love and marriage is based on the foundation of nature and morality, this is a very high price to pay. To those who do not share this perspective, they are claiming their existential right to define morality.

Technologically, we are advancing more and more toward from everything corded to cordless. In another sense, we are going cordless. We all know that newborns at their birth are connected to their mothers' womb through a cord. Indeed, this cord has to be severed for the baby to begin its human journey of independence. The severence of the cord does not mean that we forget, emotionally or socially, that cord that dries up in days leaving only a physical trace on our body. This is a mystic tie that is more than physical. It represents a bond that, many believe, has a sacred dimension connecting the baby and the womb that bore the baby.. 

O mankind! reverence your Guardian-Lord, who created you from a single person, created, of like nature, His mate, and from them twain scattered (like seeds) countless men and women;- reverence Allah, through whom ye demand your mutual (rights), and (reverence) the wombs (That bore you): for Allah ever watches over you. [Quran 4:1]

The Prophet [pic]: The womb, i.e. the blood relationship, is suspended from the Throne of Allah and announces: 'Allah will hold by him who holds by me; and Allah will cut asunder from him who cuts asunder from me'. [Narrator: Hadrat A'isha; Sahih Muslim, #6198]

Thus, to those who view life in a purposive perspective and hold the family-centered, blood relationship as sacred, the cord connecting the baby and the mother's womb extends far beyond - a big part of the suspended cord that we can't see, except possibly with our eyes closed. In this technologically advanced, modern, cordless society, we are also making transition toward another kind of cordless society. People can now live together without any marital relationship and have children. Single parenthood is becoming almost as common as the traditional parenthood. As they feel like, they can get pregnant any time and any way they wish and then they can abort the new life at will. Those newborns who get to see the light of life are so easily abandoned to foster parents or for adoption. So easily people can seek divorce without little regard for the children and their life. So easily they also can relegate their parental responsibility to babysitters or daycare. No wonder that in the fairness of reciprocity, as parents send their children to daycare so routinely, senile parents are sent to the nursing homes. 

To make the matter worse, family and home used to be a place for refuge and comfort, especially the mother's lap, but no more. The story of newborns being dumped into trash can is becoming not so uncommon. Some mothers are even murdering children as happened in the case of Susan Smith in South Carolina. Family, love, marriage, mother-child relationship - nothing seems to be sacred or essential any more. When people can satisfy all their passion and more without any relationship of meaning and permanence, why bother with all those formal and/or sacred ties? In a way, it makes sense!

Obviously, this is not an issue without controversy. While in many societies where the relationship of marriage has nothing to do with love and the family life has rendered women into no more than reproductive machines and caretakers, the other extreme is that such relationship has nothing to do with reproduction in a sacred perspective. While Dr. Karl Bowman said, "Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage". Now, it seems that the society is trying to make the statement that "marriage is an obsessive delusion that is cured by love" - that is, consensual sex and relationship. 

Anyway, there might be broad agreement that the wind is blowing not in favor of love, but sex; not in favor of marriage as we used to know, but relationship. For many, love is not happening any more, we are making it. Like so many other things we are making - from cars to pencils to disposable diapers - we are making love. No wonder love - as it used to be linked with marriage, not sex - is "Gone with the wind!". If you are not aware, that's the name of one of the most famous, all-time classic movies. Toward the end of this 1939 movie, Captain Butler puts on his hat, picks up his stick and walks away from his remorseful, sobbing wife and love, saying: Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn! 

It seems that MAKING "love" has paved the way for UNMAKING of it.

 

The author is an professor of economics and finance at Upper Iowa University.

Homepage:

The author welcomes volunteers who would like to translate this piece into their native language.

Email: farooqm@

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Love in Islam

By Aisha Tahira Stacey

01/11/2004

Coming from a Western or European background, we often equate love with the stereotypical images that we see in all forms of media. The pouting woman waiting breathlessly at home for husband to appear to “love her,” alternatively the career woman who throws off the shackles of the workforce to return breathlessly home to her waiting husband. Sex sells, and the print and visual media take advantage of this fact. Sex sells, and businesses in all corners of the world will do anything to make an extra dollar. Sex is not love, and the word ‘love’ has, unfortunately, lost much of its true meaning.

We drive to work past the giant billboards selling cars and clothes and laundry detergent. The billboards all have one thing in common a pouting woman who says with smoldering eyes “drive this car and attract women like me”; “wear this brand of clothes and women will want you more then the clothes.” We open the newspaper to see advertisements for exotic destinations; the people appear to be happy and “in love.” The television and movie screens tell us that if you consume this product you will be desirable, your husband or wife will “love you.” Drink brand X and fall in love, wear brand Y and have all fall in love with you.

This is not love, this is an advertising ploy. Marriages fall by the wayside because husbands and wives find that they cannot live up to the expectations that they impose on themselves and each other. The images are impossible to emulate simply because they are not real; they come from the minds of advertising executives, not from the natural order of our lives. Our senses are assaulted almost every waking moment by images of what the media feeds to us as a normal lifestyle. These images are not normal, and the lifestyles that they portray are in no way a reflection of how men and woman should live together in a normal, healthy relationship.

Islam, on the other hand, being the natural way for human beings to live, employs no trickery or gimmicks. Love in Islam brings men and woman together with strong bonds that tie couples together with the rope of Islam. [And hold fast all of you together, to the rope of Allah (i.e., this Qur’an), and be not divided among your selves, and remember Allahs favour on you] (Aal `Imran 3:103). A marriage based firmly and soundly on the Qur’an and the Sunnah should suffer none of the pangs of insecurity and subterfuge that abound in marriages whose role models are the pouting woman and muscle bound man found in all forms of media. Marriage in Islam is a contract between two people, a man and a woman, by which they agree to enter into a [halal] relationship for the sake of Allah Most High.

It is a relationship that binds them to each other through all the tests and trials of this life, through hardship and ease. [Verily along with every hardship is relief] (Ash-Sharh 94:6). It should be a relationship whose sole purpose is to worship, praise, and thank Allah Most High. If love—the tender blissful feeling of being in love—is present in this relationship, then it is an extra blessing from Allah.

Marriage in Islam is not based on whether we find our partner desirable or whether he or she contributes a great deal of money to the family. Marriage in Islam is a partnership. Two people, working as one unit. One unit striving for Jannah, longing to secure themselves a place in the shade of Allah. Love in Islam is a [halal] marriage secure in the knowledge that the wealth and adornments of this world are but illusions and that it is in the Hereafter that our real lives will begin.

[And the life of this world is nothing but play and amusement. But far better is the house in the hereafter for those that are al-muttaqun (the pious). Will you not then understand?] (Al-An`Am 6:32)

If we examine our thoughts on love and marriage and endeavor to renew our intentions to have a marriage for the sake of Allah Most High, we will, [in sha’ Allah], find that we are no longer blinded by the subtle advertising that invades our lives and eats away at our [iman]. Shaytan (Satan) works in devious and treacherous ways and loves nothing more then to put enmity between a husband and wife. His work is made easier by the fact that we are so easily deceived. Before we realize what is happening, the seeds of destruction have grown into an evil tree.

We begin to think and worry because our marriages are not what we see on the television or read about in the latest release novels. Our minds are invaded with thoughts that are contrary to the natural order of Islam and the universe, and our insecurities lead us to long for unattainable and unnecessary ideals in our lives and marriages. We have grown complacent in our commitment to our marriages and to our Islam, where as Shaytan is ever watchful and eager to guide us to the path that leads to nowhere but eternal Hellfire.

A marriage in Islam is about more than ‘love’; love in Islam is about more than tender feelings and smoldering sexual desires.

Through our commitment to Islam we should be able to return to an era where love and marriage are synonymous. Where a marriage is a partnership, a bonding of two people that, like ripples on water, moves ever steadily outwards to encompass the ideals of an Islamic community. The bonds of marriage should tie us to each other, to our families and children, to our brothers and sisters in Islam, to the worldwide Ummah. If we put our love for Allah first and our own desires last, then we should find ourselves in a relationship that no longer falls prey to the subterfuge of Shaytan.  We should cling tightly to the rope of Islam and recognize the fact that life is not always sunshine and roses but that this [dunya] is a place of testing and tribulations. [Do people think they will be left alone because they say: “We believe,” and will not be tested] (Al-`Ankabut 29:2). We should bear our tests with patience and gratitude, take refuge with Allah, and take comfort in the arms of our spouses.

[And We will most certainly try you with somewhat of fear and hunger and loss of property and lives and fruits; and give good news to the patient, Who, when a misfortune befalls them, say: Surely we are Allah's and to Him we shall surely return. Those are they on whom are blessings and mercy from their Lord, and those are the followers of the right course.] (Al-Baqarah 2:155–157)

Aisha Tahira Stacey writes for Qatar daily publications  the Times and The Penninsula. The author  is currently working  on a  series of stories based on the lives of the Sahabas and  a series of  historical stories for children.

Falling in Love: Allowed in Islam?

Question

Dear scholars, As-Salamu `alaykum. What does Islam say about falling in love? Is that allowed in Islam? If it is yes, how could we show that to the person we love without causing fitnah? Jazakum Allah khayran.

Date23/Sep/2003Name of MuftiIOL Shari`ah Researchers

TopicLove & Sex

All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.

Dear sister in Islam, we would like to thank you for the great confidence you place in us, and we implore Allah Almighty to help us serve His cause and render our work for His Sake.

Islam teaches us to be truthful and realistic. Usually, we love because of Allah and we hate because of Allah. Islam teaches us that a male and female can build up a good relationship founded on marriage. All those stories of media and movies are not helpful to make a person comply with the teachings of Islam.

We do not say love is halal or haram because it is a feeling. Maybe it is not under control. You can judge what is under control. But people who fall in love are in many episodes away from the cleansed and pure atmosphere.

Marriages that are usually good and lasting marriages are those that start at the least affection. That affection grows after marriage and maybe it will grow until the couples continue their companionship at the Jannah.

If you have any affection towards a person, you should ask yourself: why do you like that person? If you have good Islamic, reasonable justification, then you need not tell that person of what you feel. However, you can make a serious plan to make him ask for your hand. If you want to know the meaning of fitna, a great part of it is what people nowadays call love or romance.

In this context, we'd like to cite the following fatwa that clarifies the Islamic ruling on falling in love:

"If we are speaking about the emotion which we call "love" then we are simply speaking of a feeling. What we feel toward a particular person is not of great importance, until our feeling is expressed in a particular action. Now if that action is permissible, then well and good. If it is forbidden, then we have incurred something that Allah does not approve of. If it is love between a man and a woman, the emotion itself is not the subject of questioning on the Day of Judgment. If you feel you love someone, then you cannot control your feeling. If that love prompts you to try to see that person in secret and to give expression to your feelings in actions permissible only within the bond of marriage then what you are doing is forbidden."

Excerpted, with slight modifications, from:

Shedding more light on the issue in point we'd like to cite the words of Sheikh Ahmad Kutty, a senior lecturer and an Islamic scholar at the Islamic Institute of Toronto, Ontario, Canada. He states:

"In Islam, it is not a sin if you feel a special affinity or inclination towards a certain individual since human beings have no control on such natural inclinations. We are, however, definitely responsible and accountable if we get carried away by such feelings and take specific actions or steps that might be deemed as haram (forbidden).

As far as male and female interaction is concerned, Islam dictates strict rules: It forbids all forms of ‘dating’ and isolating oneself with a member of the opposite sex, as well indiscriminate mingling and mixing.

If, however, one does none of the above, and all that he or she wants is to seriously consider marrying someone, such a thing itself is not considered haram. In fact, Islam encourages us to marry persons for whom we have special feelings and affinity. Thus, Islam recommends that potential marriage partners see one another before proposing marriage. Explaining the reason for such a recommendation, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “That would enhance/foster the bonding.”

This permission notwithstanding, we are advised against getting carried away by merely the outward appearances of a person; these may be quite misleading. Marriage is a life-long partnership and a person’s real worth is determined not by his or her physical looks, but more so by the inner person or character. Hence, after having mentioned that people ordinarily look for beauty, wealth and family in a marriage partner, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) advised us to consider primarily “the religious or character factor” over and above all other considerations."

Excerpted, with slight modifications, from: muslims.ca

You can also read: Islam's Stance on Love and Marriage

Islam's Stance on Love and Marriage

Question

Dear scholars, As-Salaam `Alaykum. What if two Muslims, a boy and a girl, are deeply in love with each other? Is such thing allowed in Islam? And what if there is another man who has already asked for the girl’s hand in marriage but she's rejected the proposal, and she does not want to marry anyone else; does such kind of love exist in Islam? Jazakum Allah khayran.

Date02/Sep/2003Name of CounsellorIOL Shari`ah Researchers

TopicLove & Sex, Relationship between sexes

Answer

All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.

Dear brother in Islam, first of all, we would like to thank you for the great confidence you place in us, and we implore Allah Almighty to help us serve His cause and render our work for His Sake. We would like to stress certain points before giving you the answer:

There is a difference between love and romance. Romance, if not checked, may mean wasting time, effort and dignity. Islam teaches us to be truthful and realistic. Besides, the concept of love in Islam is very unique, when a Muslim loves something or somebody, it must be for the sake of Allah; the same applies to hatred. Islam teaches us that marriage is the finest, purest and permissible relationship that should exist between a male and female; it should be the goal that they both have in mind. There is no room in Islam for illicit affairs or the Western vogue-word of boyfriend and girlfriend. All those stories of media and movies are not helpful to make a person comply with the teachings of Islam. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, says: "Three qualities, if found in a person, will help him have perfect faith: Having Allah and His Messenger, peace and blessings be upon him, as the most beloved ones, loving a person only for the sake of Allah and hating getting back to Kufr (disbelief) the way one hates to be thrown into fire." That means love is a fruit of piety. Love without piety is mischief.

There is no concept of courtship in Islam as it is practiced in the West. There is no dating or living in de facto relationship or trying each other out before committing to each other. There is to be no physical relationship whatsoever before marriage. The romantic notions that occupy the mind of young people often have proven in most cases to be unrealistic and harmful to those involved. We only have to look at the alarming divorce rate in the West to understand this point. To give an example, the couple know each other for years, are intimate, live together and so on. Yet somehow this does not guarantee the success of the future marriage. Romance and love simply do not result in an everlasting bond between two people.

In most cases, romance and love die out very quickly when couple find themselves with the real world. The unrealistic expectation that young people have is what often contributes to the failure of their relationship.

The West makes fun of the Islamic way of marriage, in particular arranged marriage. Yet, the irony is that statistically arranged marriages prove to be more successful and lasting than romantic types of courtship. This is because people are blinded by the physical attraction and thus do not choose the compatible partner. Love blinds people to the extent of overlooking potential problems in the relationship. There is an Arabic proverb that says: "Love is blind, it makes zucchini turn into okra". Arranged marriages, on the other hand, are based not on physical attraction or romantic notions, but rather on critical evaluation of the compatibility of the couple. That is why such marriage often proves successful.

From an Islamic perspective, in choosing a partner, the most important factor that should be taken into consideration is Taqwa (piety and consciousness of Allah). The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, recommended the suitors to see each other before going through with marriage procedures. That is very important because it is unreasonable for two people to be thrown into marriage and be expected to have a successful marital life, full of love and affection, when they know nothing of each other. The couple are permitted to look at each other.

This ruling does not contradict the Qur'anic verse that says, “…believing men and women should lower their gaze” (An-Nur: 30). The couple, however, are not permitted to be alone in a closed room or go out together alone. As the Hadith says: "When a man and a woman are together alone, the Shaytan (Satan) makes their third." One of the conditions of a valid marriage is the consent of the couple. Marriage by definition is a voluntary union of two people. The choice of a partner by a Muslim virgin girl is subject to the approval of the father or guardian. This is to safeguard her welfare and interests. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said: "The widow and the divorced woman shall not be married until she has consented to that and the virgin shall not be married until her consent is sought." The Prophet did nullify the marriage of a girl who complained to him that her father had married her against her wishes.

Though love is something nice, and it is recommended for a man to marry a woman whom he loves, because the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, said: “There is nothing better for two who love each other than marriage.” (Sahih Al-Jami`, 5200) However, this love should not be overwhelming and cause a person to forget other characteristics which he should look for in the person he wants to marry. The most important characteristic is religious commitment. The Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, says: “A woman may be married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her commitment to religion. Choose the one who is religious, may your hands be rubbed with dust [i.e., may you prosper]!” (Agreed-upon Hadith).

Dear brother in Islam, we hope that the main points of the issue have become clear. Now, let’s assume that you are the subject of the hypothesis you draw in your question: On what basis would you like to choose your partner? Wouldn’t you look to her commitment to Islam – does she pray regularly, for example? Does she adhere to the Islamic Hijab prescribed by Shari'ah?

If the lady you want to marry is religious, of good manners, and obeys Allah and His Messenger, and both of you want to please Allah in this world in order to earn reward in the Hereafter, then you have made a perfect choice, and we ask Allah to fulfill your hopes and bring you together in a good way. If she is not, then you should reconsider your choice. May Allah help you to do what He loves and what pleases Him!

As for the second part of your question, i.e. the girl’s refusal to marry a person who has asked her hand in marriage, we suggest that, if such thing happens, the person in question can make efforts and seek all permissible ways to persuade the father or the guardian of the girl to give her in marriage to him. One can just bring mediators from within the family, i.e. he can resort to those people whose word carries weight to help in the issue. One can also seek the help of the Imam of the Islamic Center where the girl’s father goes, to talk with him about this, and always pray earnestly to Allah to help realize the dream if it’s good. But we have to emphasize that it is not lawful to compel a girl to marry someone she does not want.

Mutual Expression of Love Between the Spouses

Question

I have been married for five years now. I experienced very hard psychological and financial problems, which, thanks to Allah, eventually came to an end.

I love my wife so much and she loves me, but she always accuses me of not expressing my love to her, and of being practical more than necessary while she is so romantic. She has been repeating such words so many times that I have grown to hate myself recently, though I do my best to ensure happiness for her and for my home. What shall I do?

All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.

Thanks for your question, and we beseech Allah to inculcate love and affection among all married men and women.

As a Muslim husband, you should know that women tend to be more romantic than men. They like to hear tender words, to be praised, to feel that they are being cared for, to be the main concern of their husbands and the one to whom he directs his ardent love. You love your wife and your heart is full of love for her, but she does not hear anything of it. You begrudge the tender words she needs and the praise she deserves.

She deserves that you listen to her, praise her, and sympathize with her when she is troubled. She really needs this. She cannot ask anyone else for such things; she is a good believer and a sincere wife who can never ask another man for such emotions. Do you like her to be miserable? Do you accept that she suffers thirst although water is near but you keep it from her? You should know that her need for compliments and tender words is as real as her need for sustenance, clothing, and other things that you believe to be the source of happiness.

Real happiness needs psychological nourishment and material things are not enough to fulfill this kind of nourishment. So, express your love toward your wife, and give her the right she deserves—to be complimented, treated gently, played with. Let her see your love, and show her your great need for her. Men often find it difficult to open up and express their feelings, but this is what she is seeking. Talk to her, even about small things that happen at work, and also show an interest in what she does. You should do so in order to let her express her feelings and not to make her lose hope in you and, consequently, lose interest in you. Of course, we do not mean that she would be interested in another person.

Once, the Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) was sitting with one of his Companions when another man passed by them. The man who was sitting with the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “I love this man (for Allah’s sake).” The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “Have you told him?” The man replied in the negative. So the Prophet said, “Go and tell him.” Thereupon, the man stood up and said to the other man, “I love you for Allah’s sake.” The other replied, “May Allah, for Whose sake you love me, love you.” (Reported by Ahmad)

Thus, I would like to ask you who is more worthy of such feelings than the man with his wife and the woman with her husband?

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) used to do so with his wives; he used to express his love toward them by word and deed. As for words, it is reported that `Amr ibn Al-`Aas (may Allah be pleased with him) asked the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) saying, “O Allah’s Messenger, whom do you love most, after Allah Almighty?” He (peace and blessings be upon him) replied, “`A’ishah.” `Amr ibn Al-`Aas then said, “And from among the men?” The Prophet answered, “Her father (Abu Bakr).” This hadith shows how great was the Prophet's love for `A’ishah, and this love was well-known among his Companions.

`A’ishah (may Allah be pleased with her) said, “It would happen that Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) would take a utensil containing food, give it to me while I was having my menstrual period, and adjure me to eat from it. Then he would take the vessel being keen to put his mouth on the same place I put my mouth on.” Of course, the Prophet did this as a kind of compliment and to let his wife feel his affection. `A’ishah also swore that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) used to do the same when drinking water. She would drink then he would take the utensil and drink from it, putting his mouth where she had put hers.

By doing such things, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) intended to guide his nation as to how the relation between the spouses should be, how affection and mercy can last between them, and how the husband can talk gently and play with his wife.

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “Be lenient toward glass vessels (that is, women)!” In this hadith, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) called women “glass vessels,” for they need care either in treatment or even in speech. Allah's Messenger further said, “Treat women kindly.” In addition, Allah Almighty says, “… and speak kindly to mankind …” (Al-Baqarah: 83) It goes without saying that our wives are more deserving to be treated kindly. They are our helpmates, our children's mothers, the ones who make our homes comfortable and fulfill our love desires.

In addition, a good word is an act of charity. The devil, indeed, sows discord among mankind. So if you, dear brother, want to preserve your happiness and insure that your wife is doing her duties toward you with content, you should know that the most beloved deed to Allah after the obligatory acts of worship is bringing happiness to a Muslim’s heart.

So what do you think of your most intimate companion, your permanent neighbor, your other half, your wife that you have chosen from among all other women? It does not take much effort on your part to learn to say “I love you” every day, to take her a small gift now and then, to phone her from work just to say “I love you,” to take her out alone now and then even if only for a walk, or in other ways to show your affection. Such small steps can go a long way to making her happy and strengthening your marriage.

Saying to Wife “You Are My Soul”

Question

Is it haram to say to my wife “You are my soul, you are the best thing in the world” (and this is not true because the best thing in the world is Islam and the Qur’an) or to tell her “You give meaning to my life” (and this is also not true)? Is it halal or haram to say this?

|All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger. |

| |

|Many thanks for your question, and we earnestly implore Allah to guide us all to the best both in this world and in the Hereafter. |

| |

|In Islam, every husband should try his best to treat his wife in a very kind manner. Part of his kindness towards his wife, the husband can use flattering |

|expressions such as the ones referred to in the question even if the expressions used are technically untrue. |

| |

|Responding to the question, Sheikh Muhammad Al-Mukhtar Al-Shinqiti, Director of the Islamic Center of South Plains, Lubbock, Texas, states the following: |

| |

|"Compliments between husband and wife are highly recommended in the Shari`ah, even if they are based on exaggeration or flattering. The Prophet (peace and |

|blessings be upon him) is reported to have said: “Lying can be permissible in three cases: war (for deceiving the enemy), reconciliation between disputing |

|people, and the compliments between husband and wife.” |

| |

|What you have said fall under the third category mentioned by the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him)—all what you said and other such invented compliments|

|you use are poetic language, which should be praised and not discouraged. |

| |

|The well-known man of literature Al-Jahiz said, “The most elegant form of poetry is that which is based on ‘lying.’” He meant that exaggeration, metaphor, and |

|other figures of speech are components of the poetic techniques. |

| |

|Therefore, there is nothing wrong with a husband saying to his wife “you are my soul” or any similar complimentary expressions even if they are technically |

|untrue." |

| |

|You can also read: |

| |

|Husband and Wife: Mutual Rights and Obligations |

| |

|Lying Is Not a Trait of the Muslim |

| |

|Lying Jokingly |

| |

|If you have any further questions, please don't hesitate to write back! |

| |

|May Allah guide you to the straight path, and guide you to that which pleases Him, Amen.  |

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