He’s Just Not That Into You - Carly A. Viso

[Pages:9] He'sJustNotThatIntoYou:InterpersonalCommunicationReview SPEECH228 CarlyViso 12/8/09

He'sJustNotThatIntoYou,releasedearly2009,followsninepeopletryingto

overcomethechallengesofreadinghumanbehaviorwhileinrealtionships.The

movieisbasedoffthebookofarticles,He'sJustNotThatIntoYoubyGregBehrendt

andLizTuccillo.Realwomensentinlettersaskingforrelationaladviceabouttheir

situationinthebook.Themoviecombinesthemajorthemesofmentoavoidand

womenyoudonotwanttobeintheninecharacters.Allninepeople'slives

intertwinewithoneanothereitherbybeingacouple,friend,orfriendofafriend.

Gigicannotreadsignalsfromanyofthemenshedates,inherpursuittofindMr.

Rightandahappyending,butfinallygetsadvicefromAlexisabarownerwhois

sweetbutcynicaloflove.JanineandBenarethelovingmarriedcouple,untilBen

meetsAnnainacheckoutline.AnnaandBenhaveanaffairwhileConnorBarryis

stilltryingtopursueher.NeilhasbeendatingBethforsevenyearswhenshefinally

dumpshimbecausesheknowsthathewillneverwanttobemarried.Maryisan

advertisingagent,tryingtofindloveonline.

He'sJustNotThatIntoYou(HJNTIY)portraysthestoryofninepeopleseeking

truelove,andintheirsearchtheydemonstratethedifferentstagesofbuildingand

maintainingarelationship.IwillbespecificallytalkingaboutGigiandher

movementupanddowntheModelofRelationalDevelopmentfromtheclass

textbook(Beebe&Beebe,p.291Fig.10.1).TheSocialExchangetheorycanbe

appliedtoGigi'smovementupanddowntheRelationalDevelopmentscale.Iwill

alsotalkaboutsomeofthecommunicationskillsGigilearnsandhowsheapplies

thattocommunicateinherrelationshipsbetterwhileshesearchesforahappy

ending.Finally,therearetwolessonslearnedfromthemoviewhenitcomesto usingcommunicationinrelationships.

"Relationaldevelopmentoccursinstages,butisaffectedbyandaffectsour

interpersonalcommunication"(Beebe&Beebe,p.290).Inorderformetoexplain

howtheGigimovesthroughthestages,alittlebackgroundinformationisneeded.

Theescalationstagesinclude:preinteractionawareness(stranger),acquaintance,

exploration(friend),intensification(closefriend),andintimacy(best

friend/lover/spouse).Thede-escalationstagesinclude:turmoilorstagnation(best

friend/lover/spouse),deintensification(closefriend),individualization(friend),

separation(acquaintance)andpost-separationeffects(stranger).Eachtimeyou

moveprogressfromastage,youhaveaturningpoint,whichare,"specificeventsor

interactionsthatthatareassociatedwithpositiveornegativechangesina

relationship"(Beebe&Beebe,p.290).Everytimeyourrelationshipescalates,more

intimateinformationisshared,timespenttogether,andthephysicalcontact

increases.Thesamethingshappenwhende-escalating,excepttheamounttime,

contactandinformationshareddecrease.Throughoutthemoviethesestagescanbe

seeninthedifferentrelationshipsGigihas.

Gigi,ahopelessromanticinsearchofMr.Right,hasaproblemwith

effectivelyusinginterpersonalcommunicationtoescalateontheRelational

Developmentmodel.Shenormallyskipsthepreinteractionstageandentersthe

acquaintancestagebybeingsetuponblinddates.Theblinddatesdonotallowher

to,"formaninitialimpressionthroughpassivestrategy"(Beebe&Beebe,p.292.)

Shealsobreezesthroughtheintroductoryandcasualbantersub-stages,bysharing personalinformationnormallyincludedinthenextstage,exploration.Inonescene, sheisabouttogoonablinddateandmentionstoherfriendAlex,"Ilikealittletime beforeablinddate.Preparemyselfmentally,remindmyselftonottellthestory aboutmymolars."Socialnormistonotsharestoriesaboutyourteethonthefirst date,especiallyifyouhavenevermettheperson.Gigicanonlyreachthetoplevel, intimacy,withfriends.

GigireachesandmaintainstheintimacylevelwithherfriendJanine.Janine

andGigiworktogetherataspicecompany,andtalktoeachotherabouteverything.

GigieventrustsJanineenoughtobesetuponablinddate.Thereisafreeflowof

informationbetweenthemabouttheirrelationshipswiththeirhusbandorcurrent

interest.JaninegoeswithGigitoabarforaspeeddateeventandfeelscomfortable

enoughtosay,"pleasedonotcyberstalkhim."Onlyfriendswithanunderstanding

ofoneanothercangiveoutharshadviceandhavetheotherfriendnottakeoffense.

GigiisthereforJanineinreturn,whenJaninesharesthatherhusbandhadanaffair

andadmitsthattheyneverhavesexanymore.Bothpiecesofinformationarevery

personal,butJaninetrustsGigienoughtodisclosethat.Ararefriendistherein

timesoftriumphandcrisis,whichisthetypeofrelationship,thetwohave.

Gigigoesthroughmultiplestagesofescalationandde-escalationwithAlex.

Now,AlexisanewfriendtoGigi,butshegoestohimforalmostallherrelationship

adviceandtrustshimenoughtoactuallyfollowit.BeforeGigimetAlex,shenever

followedanyone'sadvice,soitshowstheamountoftrustthatsheplacesinhis

guidance.Atfirst,GigiandAlexareonlyfriendsbecauseshewantsadvice,whichis consideredtobeintheacquaintancestage,buttheyquicklymovetotheexploration stagewhentheymeetfordrinks.Theirconversationsarebrutallyhonestandthey spendalotoftimetogethereithercallingoratthebar.WhenAlexinvitesGigitoa partyofhis,shejumpstoconclusionsabouthimlikingher,becauseofsignsthat she'sseen."Likeitwasgoodtohearfromme,youtalkedtomeevenwhenyouwere withagirl,andIfeltsomething,"GigitellsAlexweresomeofthesigns.Gigimisreads thoseasaninvitationtoproceedtoaromanticintimatelevel.Theirfriendship therefore,goesfromintensificationtopost-separationeffectsstageinamatterof minutes.Alexdeniesanyfeelingsandtheynon-verballyagreetojustcutoffthe relationshipwhenGigistormsout,whichispartoftheseparationstage.Alexlater realizesthatsheistheoneforhimandshowsupatherdoor,andherresponseto hisapologies,is"...Ifaguyreallylikeyouhewillmakeithappen,nomatterwhat....I amtherule.Ihavetostopthinkingthateveryguywillchange."Gigiseesthatin ordertobeinarelationshiptherehastobeanunderstandingofthatperson.You havetogettoknowthatperson,ifyouwanttomaintainarelationship.

Gigistruggleswithherinterpersonalcommunicationnotonlyinthe

escalationstagesbutalsointhede-escalationstages,especiallyinpost-separation.A

weekafteradatewithConnor,shestopsbythisbaronlytoseeifshecan

"accidentally"runintohim.ShebefriendsthebartenderAlex,andgetssomeofthe

bestadviceshecanaboutrelationshipslike,"Youaretherule,nottheexception."He

meant,shemayhearstoriesfromherfriendsabouthowtheyknewsomeonewho

datedanidiotguyjustlikehers,andendeduphappilyeverafter,buttheywerethe

exceptionandsheistherule.Gigithengoesthroughsomeofherpastrelationships withherfriends,likeChad,thedrummerwholivedinastoragespaceandonlyused herforrides,yetshecontinuedtostalkhimforawholeyear.Andthentherewas Don,whousedtobreakupwithhereveryFriday,sohecouldhavehisweekends free,butshecontinuedtotakehimbackbecauseshewasconvincedthathewasthe oneandevenreferredtohimasherhusbandtostrangers.Gigihastroublelettinggo oftheguysshedates,becauseshefeelslikesheisclosewiththem,sharingtoomuch informationtoquickly.AndshehasthisideathathemightbeMr.Right,whichshe desperatelywantstofind.

ThesocialexchangetheoryhelpsexplainwhyGigimovesupanddownthe

RelationalDevelopmentmodel.Gigihasmanagedtothinkthateveryguyshemeets

mightbeMr.Right,andshedoesnotwanttogiveuponhim,justbecausehedidnot

call.TheSocialExchangetheoryaccordingtothebookstatesthat,"peopleseekthe

greatestamountofrewardwiththeleastamountofcost"(Beebe&Beebe,p.296).

SoGigidoesnotfollowthesocialexchangeexactly,becauseshehasalotmore

emotionalcoststhanrewardswhenitcomestodating.Shelivesmorebythe

forecastedrewardsandcosts,thinkingthatbywaitingfortheguytocall,and

obsessingovertherelationshipanddatingidiotmenitwilleventuallypayoffand

leadhertoMr.Right.InherrelationshipwithAlex,sheseesimmediaterewards

fromthefriendshipthoughthebrutallyhonestdatingadvicehegivesher.Alexyells

atGigifordissectingeverydetailandjumpingtoconclusionsaboutstuffthatmen

do,butsherespondswith,"Youmynotgethurtormakeanassofyourself...butyou

don'tfallinlovethatwayeither."ToGigi,fallinginloveisworthanyheartache,

datingaguywhowillnotcallback,orgettingturneddownwhenyouarelookingfor yourhappyending.ShemovesaroundontheRelationalDevelopmentscalebecause paringthe rewardsandcostsofarelationship,theveydefinitionoftheSocialExchangetheory, iswhatGigidoeswhenanalyzingandattemptingdifferentrelationshipstofindthe loveofherlifeandlivehappilyeverafter.

ThroughoutHJNTIY,thereareimportantlessonslearnedabouthowtouse

interpersonalcommunicationeffectivelyinromanticrelationships.Gigiistalkingto

JanineandBethaboutbeingtherule,shementions,"Thatmostmenwhocheaton

you,don'treallycareaboutyou."Deceptionwithinarelationshipcancomeinmany

differentforms.Abaldfacedlie,"outrightfalsificationofinformationintendedto

deceivethelistener,"islikewhenyoursignificantotherliesaboutcheatingonyou

(Beebe&Beebe,p.326).Thereasonbehindtheliescouldanumberofreasonslike

avoidlossofresource,theresourcebeingyouorjusttoprotecttheirself-image.The

movieshowstheimportanceofusingtruthfulcommunication,foritcouldharmor

leadtode-escalationofarelationship.

Anotherimportantcommunicationlessonlearnedisthroughthe

relationshipbetweenBethandNeil,whichistoeffectivelyexpressyourwantsto

yoursignificantother.Bethwantstogetmarried,butdoesnotbringitupbecause

shesays;"Ididn'twanttoseemdemandingorseemclingyorpsycho.SoIhaven't

askedyou."ShedidnotwantNeiltorejectherbecauseofherself-disclosureof

wantingtobemarried.Youhavetousewordstoclearlycommunicatewithyour

significantother."Weliterallytalkarelationshipintobeing.Itisthroughourtalk thatweestablishourrelationshipswithotherpeople"(Beebe&Beebe,p.166).Ifwe createrelationshipsthroughtalk,thenwemustcontinuetoeffectivelyusewordsto maintainthatrelationship.

Gigilearnsandappliesdifferentcommunicationskillsthroughoutthemovie.

OnethingGigilearns,istolistenandusethatinformationwhenpursuinga

relationship.Alextriestoteachherthatifaguyisnotcallingthenheneverwillcall,

andyoushouldmoveon.Thesilencefromtheotherpersonisanindicatorof

disinterestinpursuingarelationshipwithher.Inonescenewhereshemetaguyat

thebar,sheappliesthelisteningskillwhenheisleaving.Hesaysheisgoingtocall,

butaftergivingherhiscard,hesayslookforwardtohearingfromyou.Gigi

confrontshimandsaysletsleaveitasyouwillcallme.SheappliedAlex'sadvicethat

ifhewantstodateher,he'llcall.Gigialsolearnsthatwhenaguysayshe'llbeoutof

townandthereforeoutofreachforafewdays,heisnotinterested.Unlesstheguyis

goingtotheAmazonforest,thereareplentyofwaystocommunicate,whetheritis

viaphone,text,oremail.Whileonadateshegetstoldthisandsoshehangsoutin

thebathroomforawhiletomaketheguysweat.Attheendofthedateshe'llbeable

towalkawaywithoutanyexpectations.OneofthelastlessonsGigilearnsisthe

importanceofsignalsbothverbalandnon-verbal.Justbecauseaguycallsyouor

saysitwasnicetalkingtoyou,doesnotmeanheisinloveorwantstodateyou.

Differentnon-verbalsignalsthatshehastroublewitharebuyinganotherroundof

drinkstokeepthedategoinglonger,cornypick-uplines,andeyecontact.Whenat

Alex'spartyshekeepsmakingeyecontactwithhimandshetakesitasan`Iaminto

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