Love and Respect - Clover Sites



Love and Respect

Over the next 14 days leading up to Valentines Day, I want us to embark on a wonderful adventure concerning love and respect in marriage. I believe that no matter how ‘long’ or how ‘short’ we have been married, there are still many important lessons we ‘need’ to learn!

These lessons are also important to those who are single…so just because you are unmarried right now, don’t say this isn’t for me. What we will be presenting to you are ‘principles’ that will help you to understand gender differences and how to apply this insight to all of your life’s relationships (not just in marriage). For those however who do plan to eventually marry, the principles we will look at when applied to your life will also help to powerfully influence you in the process of choosing a future spouse. In other words…why not learn now before finding yourself in years of unnecessary heartache.

There is so much ‘WE ALL’ will learn from this journey. Don’t let this just be words that only sound good….let these words motivate you to BE GOOD, as you learn principles that will change your life. These principles must be applied to produce any kind of reward/ benefit.

The three main areas we will cover are-

- Why do we negatively react to each other in marriage?

(Crazy cycle)

- How do I best motivate my spouse?

(Energizing Cycle)

- What is my souse does not respond to me?

(Reward Cycle)

I truly believe this is going to be a great exciting adventure for us ALL to embark upon. I believe your marriage is ‘worth that much!’ and that’s why it’s important to invest ALL we can into it. There’s an old saying- ‘You only get out, what you put in!’ Maybe it’s time to stop complaining about the ‘returns’ and instead make some valuable ‘deposits!’

Allow this to be 14 days that; yes will change your marriage…but more importantly change you! We all have so much still to learn, let’s begin to learn together.

I can not strongly enough urge you to go through this study as a ‘couple.’ Remember for any relationship (marriage) to work it takes 2! And God says that 2 can become 1…that’s our GOAL!

Much of the materials we will use over the next 14 days come from ‘The Love and Respect’ marriage series written by Dr. Emerson. For further information on the ‘Love and Respect’ ministries, you can visit their website – or contact them at-

Love And Respect Ministries

201 Monroe Ave. NW Suite 701,

Grand Rapids, MI. 49503

1-877-DECODES

Now get ready to be changed!

Day 1 - The Crazy Cycle

In our marriage (relationships) there is a ‘cycle’ that most of us fail to realize we are even on? Let me explain what I mean. Today we live in such a ‘love’ dominant world. We are told from an early age that all we need is love. That is true to a certain extent, but there’s still more.

In Ephesians 5:33 we read these words- ‘Nevertheless, let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.’ Here in this passage we clearly see two vital truths- Love and Respect.

Some have said that this passage of scripture is God’s last words to the church regarding marriage. If these are indeed His last words spoken on this subject…could they possibly be of greatest importance? And are they a divine suggestion, or a divine command?

From this passage we also see 2 clear needs. The wife needs LOVE and the husband needs RESPECT. But here also is the problem called the Crazy cycle.

Without love she will react disrespectfully- and without respect he will react without love, thus throwing us into a crazy cycle where instead of giving to each other what we need, we withhold it……and it will get worse and worse.

When God made male and female, He made them so different in their design. Neither wrong- JUST DIFFERENT! These differences we must identify otherwise we’ll live on the ‘crazy cycle!’ It’s ok that your spouse has a need that you don’t have, that’s what makes marriage such a wonderful thing…..as we are able to meet each others needs.

When a woman sees things, she sees through ‘pink’ sunglasses. When she hears, she hears through a ‘pink’ hearing aid and when she speaks, she speaks through a ‘pink’ megaphone…all well and good till you throw into the equation man! Men however see the worlds through ‘blue’ glasses, hear through ‘blue’ hearing aids and speak through ‘blue’ megaphones….NOT WRONG, JUST DIFFERENT! Can you see, not the problem (because that’s what we used to think it was…) but the differences that we have? We are not trying to aggravate or be indifferent to each other, that’s just our ‘makeup!’ Our "God given" design.

Therefore, because of blue’s emotions (mans) and pink’s sexuality (womans) here lays the challenge. Because of the husbands blue nature, why would a husband have fond feelings of love and affection in his heart towards a wife he thinks despises who he is a human being? A woman who shows (gives) him NO RESPECT. In other words, why wouldn’t he tend to move away from her instead of wanting to emotionally connect with her?

Because of a wife’s pink nature, why would she not be sexually responsive to a husband who is harsh and angry with her and shows (gives) her NO (or little) LOVE? In other words, why wouldn’t she tend to shut down and pull back for what appears to be hostility on his behalf?

Can you begin to see the breakdown? Called the Crazy Cycle, where mixed signals are presented to the other. They may be true intents……but mistaken as not! This is why it is so important to begin to learn how to ‘de-code’ our differences. If not we will push each other further and further away…….and many times not even realize why!

In marriage (believe it or not) we do want the same things- but the pathway there can often be so different. Men have no motivation to get there when she doesn’t ‘respect’ him…..and with no respect, it gives him no motivation to emotionally connect with her……and then the woman has no desire to show (give) him respect if she feels unloved and unappreciated…….thus the crazy cycle continues. The message we must try to get through to each other is that we have the same goals…..we just see differently, hear differently and speak differently (pink/ blue).

Today, I need you to realize and see how we place our marriage in jeopardy while striving for the perhaps same things. “Well if he just loved me, then I would respect him.’ she says- where he says, “If she just respected me for who I am, then I would shower her with love.”…can you see that we must break this cycle of craziness? Yes we want love and respect……but perhaps we need to start giving it, despite the other’s response and actions. Trust me; if you do that, it won’t be long before you are getting back just what you need.

We must determine that our marriages cannot keep going on this way; one of us must make the first move. This will perhaps help you to make that move…Who is going to be the mature one out of the marriage to step up and break this ‘crazy cycle?’ It will be worth it.

WE’RE NOT WRONG, JUST DIFFERENT!

Thoughts to Consider (work on)

- (Both) I am going to assume that my spouse is not trying to upset me, but is looking at this through different colored (pink/ blue) lenses.

- (Both) I am going to look at my spouse’s negative reaction as a cry for my love or respect.

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Day 2- Decoding the NEED!

Yesterday we began our exciting ‘adventure’ that over the next 13 days we are going to see continue to change our marriages. It’s so important that we continue to work together to build and strength our relationship. If our marriage is of the ‘greatest importance’ to us…..then we should always be willing, adaptable and wanting to see it develop. Anything that is ‘living’ will grow- that’s a rule of nature.

Our marriages when ‘living’ and ‘alive’ will continue to grow and develop. We should never come to the ‘end,’ but only cross over into new horizons.

As we began yesterday we discovered two very important truths- Love and Respect. The wife needs love and the husband needs respect. Not wrong…Just different!

Today we want to look at the ways we can learn to ‘decode’ the needs of our spouse. Understanding how so often we send messages to each other ‘in code.’

For example-

- What does a wife mean when she vents, ‘You never spend any time with me!’ Is she meaning to be disrespectful and condemning, or is this a cry to the man who matters the most to her, the one she wants to experience true love with?

- What does a husband mean when he says, ‘I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Drop it.’ Is he saying that he doesn’t love his wife? Or, is he saying that he is losing energy in some of these ‘talks’ because it comes around to him being inadequate and he feels disrespected for who he is?

I’m sure (when presented like that) we can easily see the ‘feelings’ that each one expresses and what they are trying to say (demonstrate) to each other. But when it comes to our own situations, we don’t tend to see it? We must learn to decode.

There was a story of a man who was on the bus with his 2 children. During the ride the father did nothing to control and discipline his kids, who were totally out of control. They were shouting, screaming and running this way and that- banging on the windows……. all the other passengers were getting greatly annoyed and upset. Unable to stand it any longer one of the passengers shouted out in a rage. ‘Sir, would you please mind disciplining your children! The reply he received back that day would change his anger and frustration in an instant. The father gently replied. ‘Oh, I’m so sorry. You see we just left the hospital where their mother just died.’ Silence filled that bus. Now those who were once filled with such rage, now had such heartfelt compassion…….but what changed?

At first while observing the father and his children, the passengers believed him to a permissive parent allowing his children to be disobedient and undisciplined…….but when the facts came out and those present were now able to ‘decode’ the situation, they now saw it in a completely different light. The children’s behavior never changed….but their response to it certainly did! When we realize our interpretation is wrong- can our whole outlook change? Could this also be true in our marriage?

We can so quickly take up offense by mis-reading the situation. Let me give you an example- When a husband gives his wife a gift of the latest diet book…..all she can interpret is a message of disapproval. That she is unloved and not what her husband wants…….while the poor guy is just trying to help her, as he has listened to her talk about the need to go on a diet for months. But she doesn’t see, or decode it like that! But what happens if another ‘girl’ friend gives her the same book? She gets excited and plans of ways they can diet together. Can you see the problem here? His good intentions have been wrongly decoded, and now he’s in the ‘dog house,’ and she feels he doesn’t love her and disapproves of her.

But what about when that wife buys him the latest ‘marriage’ book. What does he read from that purchase? He hears her disapproval, that what he does is not good enough, and he feels disrespected and that he needs to change. As a result he then responds in an unloving manner. But what was the wife’s motive? She was just excited to be able to read through it with her husband and together enjoy working to make their marriage better. It’s not a disrespectful attack……as he has decoded it to be.

Can you see how easy it is to jump to the wrong conclusions? We both mean well, and want to help…….but the messages we receive are greatly mis-interpreted and mis-understood. Then what happens? - We hit the crazy cycle again.

 -Without love she reacts without respect, and without respect he reacts without love……and so the cycle continues.

When is the last time we gave or spouse the benefit of the doubt? Here’s what I mean by that. When was the last time ladies you said to your husbands- ‘That felt unloving, Did I come across as being disrespectful in what I said or by my actions?’ And guys when is the last time you said to your wives- ‘That felt disrespectful. Did I just come across as being unloving by my words or actions?’

You see many times the issue isn’t really even the issue, and now both of you are feeling unloved and disrespected, its amazing how a statement like that get to the root of the situation. It may not feel comfortable at first to say it……..but it can drastically help you to learn how to decode each other. It will cause you to stop and not jump to a conclusion. But in the same breath make our spouse aware of our ‘vulnerable’ and mis-interpreted feelings.

The response may still be in anger rather than humility, but instead of attacking back, and pointing out their guilt, what might happen if you gave them the gift of unconditional Love or Respect?

It’s so important we don’t just jump to conclusions, instead of first decoding the facts. Yes it will take time…….but again; your marriage is worth every second!

NOT WRONG- JUST DIFFERENT!

Thoughts to Consider (work on)

- (Both) I am going to consider that my spouse is not trying to upset me, but is looking at this through different colored glasses (pink/ blue).

- (Both) I am going to pay more attention to the facts first, instead of my feelings.

- (Both) I am prepared to humbly say- ‘That felt unloving/ disrespectful’ so my spouse can know my deepest feelings.

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Day 3- Ineffective Approaches

In a relationship, especially marriage it is so vitally important we discover the deepest values of our spouse. To never discover these ‘values’ is perhaps to never fully satisfy their longing desire……and therefore to never establish a truly successful relationship. The world has many of its own opinions in regards to this matter, and leads us too often along the pathway of ‘ineffective approaches.’

The culture we live in is a ‘love-dominated’ society. We hear so much more about the need for love than the need for respect……after all respect is something we need to earn? But is it? From God’s Word we can clearly see that there is two sides to the marital coin, love AND respect. It is so important that we think Biblically and not just culturally, and that the love and respect He demands is ‘unconditional.’

One of the greatest inhibitors we face is that of ‘pride.’ Who moves first? By that I mean who is willing to break the ‘death grip’ that the crazy cycle will inflict upon your marriage. If both refuse to budge until the other changes the craziness will only continue.

- ‘I will be unloving until she becomes respectful!’ He says.

- ‘I will be disrespectful until he becomes loving!’ She says

 

How effective is this type of behavior in motivating the other to love and respect? Every wife knows that if her husband is positive and loving in both word and expression, it will touch her heart…….but are you prepared to move first and meet your husbands need to feel respected, trusting God for the outcome? Every husband knows that if his wife is positive and respectful in both word and expression, it will touch his heart……..therefore in the quietness of your heart will you move first and meet your wife’s need to feel loved, trusting God for the outcome?

These are big questions to ask oneself- But if our marriage is ‘just that important to us,’ is this too much to ask for us to swallow our pride? ‘I’ll teach him/her a lesson!’ is what the flesh wants to accomplish. ‘I’m tired of always having to be the one that ‘gives’ in…..and he/she is always left to feel they are not the one at fault!’ We all know those thoughts and words all too well! - But what did Jesus command us to be? Childlike…….not childish! Instead of always passing the blame, why not take responsibility and be willing to make the change needed. Blame will only fuel the ‘crazy cycle.’

As we find ourselves failing here, we will also find ourselves getting too ‘defensive.’ That defensive stance can then come across as being ‘offensive’ by your spouse…….and we know what that will do- it will start a war! Here all of a sudden two ‘good willed’ people are now at odds with each other, fighting against, instead of with.

Remember that diet book he bought her?

A husband needs to learn to ‘decode’ (discern) that after his wife receives the diet book, she is not seeking to destroy him and rip him apart; but only to awaken him to the longing of her heart to be loved by him. She is never intending to be mean……..she just has mis-understood his ‘good will.’ Believe it or not, he is just trying to help and do the right thing!

But in the same regards- A wife needs to discern that her husband isn’t seeking to be condemning and unloving for getting the diet book, but he is responding to her compliant about being fat, so he wanted to help. (every guy makes this mistake once!-Lol)

About the marriage book-

A wife needs to recognize that after her husband receives the ‘third’ marriage book this year to read, he is not trying to crush his wife’s spirit by ignoring it, but only to alert her to his feelings. He never intends to be cruel, but he feels criticized and unacceptable in their marriage. Nothing he does he feels is good enough…….he is in a ‘no’ win situation.

But in the same regards a husband needs to detect that his wife isn’t seeking to be judgmental and disrespectful by giving him the book, but is trying to be helpful.

When two people can learn to give the benefit of the doubt to each other, trusting each other’s ‘good will,’without always second guessing their intentions- it’s amazing the changes that will take place. We come off the ‘defensive,’ which has been mis-interpreted as ‘offensive,’ and then become willing to make the first move towards healing.

Paul writes these words- ‘If two people marry they have not sinned, but they will have ‘troubles.’ (1 Corinthians 7:28) Did you hear that, God warns us of troubles? It’s not ‘if’ they, but ‘when’ they come. If we are expecting our marriage to be 100% perfect……..we are being very much mislead. Now that doesn’t mean that ‘troubles’ will rule our marriage- but they can if we use ‘ineffective approaches.’

There are actually more positive results than negative that can come from ‘conflict.’ No one likes it, but when responded to correctly, they can strengthen a relationship. Trouble is not always because you are out of God’s will- it’s often just 2 natures warring against each other for the upper hand! Trouble is not, ‘I should have never married them!’ It just shows there’s work to be done!

Why not be the ‘bigger’ person today. Why not be the one that turns to ‘effective approaches’ for the well being and future of your marriage. Swallow that ‘pride,’ and offer unconditional love/ respect. There will always be ‘fault’ you can find…..but why not choose instead to see the ‘good will’ in your spouse.

Get off the ‘crazy cycle’ and on the ‘energizing cycle.’

 

Thoughts to consider (work on)

- (Both) When I am upset, I am not going to demand that my spouse moves first. Instead, I will try to move first and be positive and sincere about it!

- (Both) I am going to try and control my tongue and not be so quick to place blame…which never solves anything anyway!

- (Both) I will try not to accuse my spouse of being ‘childish’ when I recognize their feelings have been hurt. But instead try to understand the ‘reason’ of why they are upset.

 

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Day 4 - Energizing and Closeness

The key to motivating another person is to meet their deepest need. For too long instead, we have pushed aside ‘their’ feelings and needs, because of our lack of understanding. Finding ourselves unable to ‘decode’ their deepest need.

As we continue along this ‘adventure’ I pray that you are beginning to recognize the ‘differences’ we possess. Neither is WRONG- we are just made to require different responses. It’s not that a woman doesn’t need respect, or that a man doesn’t need love………they do; but that comes through their ‘deepest need’ being met. A woman feels respect, when she is cherished and loved like she deserves- and a man feels love when he is respected for who he is.

Our focus now is to move off the ‘crazy cycle,’ and begin to engage our marriage on the ‘energizing cycle.’ For the next few days we are going to discuss that which a wife needs……in other words, what spells LOVE to her (so husbands you better take plenty of notes!) when we begin to respond to her in this way, it will place our marriages on what’s called the ‘energizing cycle’-

‘His love motivates her respect…….her respect motivates his love.’ (The Energizing Cycle)

So what spells love (or closeness) to a woman? What is the man’s love to her? The first challenge is when we look at the differing ‘natures’ of male and female. The nature of a woman is to have closeness, or as they describe it ‘face time’- where with a man this tends to be a struggle. A man’s nature is to look away during times of conflict and confrontation. Face time to a man is very unnatural and usually only done in confrontation.

Even from an early age little girls need that ‘face time.’ How many times have we perhaps heard this said to us, ‘Daddy, look at me when I’m talking.’ Even from the earliest of age she wants that eye-to-eye attention……..concluding that if I was not looking, I was not listening. Now, as men we may say that’s not the case at all……..but that’s how our ‘response’ (or lack of it) is ‘decoded.’

Take time to watch women as they gather to talk. Watch them as they sit around a little table. Talking face-to-face, expressing their concerns and wishes……..you won’t see men doing that! Instead they are pushed back from the table with legs crossed out to the side, not fully engaging with each other. It’s just the difference in our NATURE. Not wrong- Just different.

So how can a husband best ‘love’ his wife and meet her deepest need? He needs to realize how a woman spells love. C.O.U.P.L.E- Closeness, Openness, Understanding, Peacemaking, Loyalty and Esteem.

Husbands let’s begin the ‘adventure!’

Kelly asks. “Can we be together tonight to talk?” Philip reacts. “What’s with you? We just went out a couple of nights ago to a movie. We had dinner with the Smiley’s, and last week we took the kids to the zoo. You are never satisfied. What more do you want?” But what is Kelly really asking here? Yes she loves those times, and cherished every moment of them…….but she also needs that ‘face-time.’ She needs Philip’s undivided attention with no distractions. She needs his closeness.

To a woman, there is little ‘closeness’ in just sitting beside her husband talking while he watches TV. She wants him to look at her while she is talking. She needs to know that she has his attention........BUT wait guys. Don't freak out here. One thing I have discovered is this- It’s more in frequency than in length. She just wants to know that you are interested in what she is saying.

I purposely now try to make the first thing I do when I get home to give Kelly some face-time. To go up to her and look her directly in the face and ask her how her day has been. It’s amazing just now a short moment can generate such response. Woman need to know they are ‘special,’ and this is one of the ways they spell LOVE.

For some of you, it may feel awkward at first, but if you desire to meet her ‘deepest need,’ then closeness (face-to-face) is the first step. When a husband tries to be loving and his wife recognizes his loving efforts………she will respond!

Husbands (and wives), as you begin to apply these 'principles,' to your marriage I KNOW they will reap rewards. As simple as they may appear, they connect down to her 'deepest need.'

Thoughts to consider (work on)

- (Husband) As a husband I am going to act more loving. I am going to work on giving her face to face time, since now I understand my wife is energized when I meet this need.

- (Husband) When my wife asks to talk, I will realize this is her way of connecting with me.

- (Wife) When your husband tries to give you that face time, please don’t throw it in his face that he is only doing it because that’s what Pastor P said. Believe that he is doing it because he wants to meet your ‘deepest need.’ Give him a chance!

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Day 5- Openness and Understanding

Yesterday we began to look at how a woman spells LOVE. Looking at the first part called  'closeness.' We discovered that she spells it- C.O.U.P.L.E. – (which stands for)-

Closeness,

Openness,

Understanding,

Peacemaking,

Loyalty

Esteem.

Today I want to look at Openness and Understanding. When a wife feels that her husbands is not being totally open with her.....she reads this as him being mad at her, and 'pushing' her out.

Listen to this story-

'Feeling frustrated and angry after losing money in an investment, Philip says in response to Kelly's request to talk about it. "Look I'm tired. I don't want to talk right now okay!" He then sits down and turns on the TV. Later that evening Kelly tries to asking Philip about his day, but he only says. "I don't want to talk about it. Can I just have some peace and watch the TV?"'

What is Kelly trying to do?  How is Philip dealing with the situation? When the husband doesn't want to let the wife 'in' on his frustrations and anger......she automatically feels that she some how is being held responsible for what's happened (in this case a blown investment). Instead of seeing that he just needs to process what's happened, 'in his own way.' - (as a man) she takes it totally personal.

Husbands; we must begin to see our wife's 'deepest need.' She is not trying to make you feel that you are a failure, and that you 'blew it.' She is just trying to be a part........because she spells love by Openness.

A wife feels unloved when her husband appears to be mad at her, when he really isn't...but that's how she is 'decoding' the situation. By him closing her out and refuses to open back up, she can't take that any other way. A wife needs to feel that she is connecting with her husband.....not being pushed away.

When it comes to intimate relationships, wives tend to personalize conflict more than husbands do. This explains why she asks, ‘can we talk?' All she wants to do is to connect 'again' in order to be reassured that you're not mad at her........but unfortunately; husbands often interpret this 'need' as being interrogated.

Though it is hard for a husband to be as open as his wife expects and desires him to be, it's not impossible.......it's something we must work on. Our natural tendency is to 'shut up shop;' but that will never 'fly with her,’ and will only place your marriage back on the 'crazy cycle.' Because if she feels unloved, she will respond in an unloving way........and so the crazy cycle will continue- NOT GOOD!

Guys as we begin to open up emotionally, she will tend to open sexually. When she feels close and a 'part,' her desire is to connect with you. Openness is how she spells love.

Next, there is Understanding. The age old question and joke has always been- 'Will a man ever understand a woman?’ (Lol). Perhaps if he tries......he will; or at least begin too! A wife feels loved when a husband understands her. Or at least makes every effort too.

Ladies....... you all like to talk; but many times not because you want a 'solution,' but just for someone to listen and understand. Our tendency as husbands is to solve the problem quickly and end the conversation so we can move on, like it's never been an issue.......A Woman cannot do that! She wants to have someone who understands what she has 'faced,' but to also sympathize with her, and assure her its going to be fine.

In I Peter 3:7 Peter write. "You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way...since she is a woman."

So how do we begin to understand? Here's a starting point. Ask her - 'do you need a solution right now, or just a listening ear?' As simple as that may sound......it really works! Like a teapot that boils and then whistles to release steam, a wife can experience an emotional overload and need to ‘vent’ to someone who will empathize (listen and understand).

It's amazing that as a woman begins to talk about her problems and receives assurance, that you understand how she feels (not giving her a solution or telling her that was stupid etc) she finds relief, even though there had perhaps been no solution. That's crazy..........but so true. NOT Wrong- Just different.

Husbands, your wife just needs to feel close to you. She just needs to feel that you are not 'mad' at her, but instead open with her. She can't handle being pushed out by the 'love of her life.' She just needs your understanding and assurance that everything is going to be ok..........it's not as hard as we think. It just takes WORK and EFFORT. We cannot sit back and say, 'Well she knew how I was when she married me. And after all I'm just a man, and we don't work that way!' We must be willing to 'decode' the needs of her life. We must unlock her heart, by loving her the way SHE spells love (Because in a couple of days we will discover how the husband spells love).

If our marriage is really worth 'that much!' We will do what ever it takes to see it stay on the 'Energizing Cycle.' Because his love will motivate her respect- and her respect will motivate his love.

You can DO IT! The real question is........husbands are you willing to take the time to meet her 'deepest needs?' I promise, it will be worth your time!

Thoughts to consider (work on)

- (Husband) I will ask my wife is she needs a solution or a listening ear.

- (Husband) I will ‘Decode’ my wife's need to talk as her way of releasing her built up feelings.

- (Wife) I will be more forgiving to my husband realizing that when he doesn't want to talk......he doesn't mean it to be personal. It's just his nature.

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Day 6- Peacemaking, Loyalty & Esteem

Today we are going to continue our ‘adventure’ once again discovering how a woman spells love. We have looked at-closeness, openness and understanding. Today we are going to study the last three.

One of the worst experiences for a wife in the home is when she feels there is no peace or unity. Everything within her cries out to be the peacemaker, she cannot function (properly) when she know resolution hasn’t been accomplished. To you as a husband, ‘it’s over…..let’s move on! ‘ A wife cannot buy into that. Let me try to explain this-

Kelly takes Philip’s restored ‘57 Chevy out to the grocery store. Going through puddles, mud splashes all over it. When Philip sees it, he gets mad. He had just recently cleaned it, giving it a new coat of wax and now it’s filthy. Kelly keeps saying. ‘I’m sorry.’ But Philip ignores her, and goes into the garage. Later Kelly comes out again to say she was sorry (she can’t stand the fact that she feels she has caused a problem- She needs resolution!)……but again he gives her the cold shoulder and ignores her apology. For the rest of the day, Philip doesn’t talk to her, until later that night when he replies yet again to her plea of apology. ‘Would you just drop it!’ To him its over- yes he was upset…….but he doesn’t want to talk about it……..she can’t deal with that!

Several days later another argument (strong discussion- Lol) arose on some other topic, and once again she brings up the ‘57 Chevy. In her mind the ‘problems’ are related as she still hasn’t found ‘peace’ from the last dispute. She accuses him of nor forgiving her, and that he doesn’t love her- WOW!

So how do you think Philip reacts? ‘What does the car have to do with this? You are just looking for things to attack me and criticize me for!’ Kelly walks off crying. The wife feels unloved……the husband feels disrespected.

So husbands, what do we see here in our wives? Do we see that they just want to keep on ‘nagging’ and never let ‘it’ go……..or do we see the fact that they are trying to resolve the situation and bring peace to the matter? I can tell you this- a ‘good willing’ wife is only trying to be the ‘peacemaker’ and not trying to disrespect her husband. She once again just needs the assurance that he is not mad at her…….and the situation has been properly resolved. ‘Just drop it!’ will never be resolution to a woman- SHE CAN’T! Just a simple situation like that (where neither really is at fault) we can miss connecting to our wife’s ‘deepest need’-to be loved. As stupid as it may be (sorry ladies, but that’s how we perceive that many times) it means everything to her!

When Jesus said in Mathew 19:6- ‘They are no longer two, but one flesh’ (or ONE) He intended for the husband and wife to live in harmony…….to the satisfaction of both sides. Not just one! What a man can drop and move on from, a woman has the ‘natural’ tendency to want to talk things through more fully. This includes the need to talk about both of ‘our’ feelings, and to make sure that there is a mutual apology. This is why women tend to get ‘historical.’ Please read that word back again, I didn’t say hysterical………..big difference. They relive the past unresolved issue, because in their mind it’s still a valid case-unclosed.

It’s so sad that for many husbands it’s easier to die for their wife than to say sorry? Over the course of your marriage what do you think would happen in the heart of a wife if she heard her husband say after each ‘fight’; owning up to his guilt by saying. ‘That felt disrespectful, did I come across unloving? And if I was unloving, will you forgive me?’ -Peacemaking is how a woman spells love!

Loyalty is the next ‘part’ of love to a wife. She feels love when she feels you are completely committed to her. Just to tell her you love her on the wedding day and then after that remind her if that changes, you will let her know- she can’t live like that……well she can, but the result probably will begin with a “D.”

How many times do we hear our wife ask if we still love her? ‘Will you always be with me? Will you still want me when I’m old and gray and ‘things’ don’t look quite like they do now!’ Husbands, she is not asking for information, she just needs assurance. God hates ‘divorcé.’ One of the main reasons of divorce is the lack of loyalty in a marriage. If a woman feels assured and appreciated………she will be the most loyal person ever- that’s in a woman’s nature. A ‘nature’ that has been under attack today in our culture! She is there for the ‘long haul,’ she just needs to know and ‘feel’ that you are committed in the same way. A joke about ‘trading her in for a newer model,’ cuts to the very core of her existence. She cannot begin to compute that terminology- even as a joke. Love to her is spelt in Loyalty.

And lastly today, Esteem. A wife feels love when you treasure above all else. She doesn’t want to have ‘a place’ in your heart; she desires to have the ‘whole of your heart!’ We must begin to honor our wife as an equal, because in the eyes of God she is of equal worth; so she is to be treated with esteem. In 1 Peter 3:7- God’s word tells us that a husbands prayers will be hindered if her refuses to ‘honor’ (esteem) his wife. Husbands- your relationship with God can be affected by the way you treat your wife. Now that brings it down to HOME!

What seems to be the smallest insignificant actions to a husband, can mean the ‘whole’ world to his wife. Just a little note letting her know how special she is, and how much you appreciate her interaction in the home with the children etc, and all the sacrifices she makes………..husbands, that’s millions of brownie points.

Realize (before it’s perhaps too late) a woman spells (and sees) love differently to a man. She needs- Closeness, Openness, Understanding, Peacemaking, Loyalty and Esteem. To give her those things is to meet the ‘deepest need’ of her life, and to meet that need……….watch out ‘guys.’ she will give you the world. But remember we don’t do it only to receive, that should never be our #1 motivation…..we do it because that’s the commitment we made when we said ‘I DO!’

Not WRONG, just DIFFERENT!

Thoughts to consider (work on)

 - (Husband) I will assure my wife that I am committed to her, and will stop any ‘hurtful’ teasing.

 - (Wife) I will not say to my husband, ’I know you want to divorce me.’ as a way of getting him to reassure me that he loves me.

 - (Husband) I will stop saying some things that dishonor my wife since I know this hurts her, but also hinders my prayers.

 

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Day 7- A Wife‘s Respect

For the past three days we have been looking at a husband’s love- Or better said, how a woman spells LOVE. As we will discover over the next few days, her love, or the language of her love is so totally different to that of her husbands. So let’s begin the ‘adventure’ of how a husband spells love.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need- the same statement is also true with a husband. According to Ephesians 5:33, Paul reveals that a husband needs respect. This is one of the reasons the wife is commanded to respect her husband. Would it not make sense then that the key to motivating a husband is to meet his need for respect? When a wife tries to be respectful and her husband recognizes her respectful efforts, would that not make him more energized to respond to her in a more positive (loving) way? I believe the answer to that is YES every time. Just because his ‘need’ is different, it doesn’t make them wrong!

Through out the entirety of the Word of God there are scripture they show the husbands (man’s) need for respect. The day that King David brought the Ark of God back into Jerusalem, he danced with all his might. When his wife saw his ‘spectacle’ (as she described it) she despised him in her heart………this was dis-respectful to David but still he replied- ‘I will be even more undignified than this, and will be humble in my own sight. But as for the maidservants of whom you have spoken, by them I will be held in honor!’ (1 Samuel 6:22) His actions were never to appear as being a fool, they were to gain respect and honor from his people as they witnessed his devotion to his God. As a result of her dis-respect……God made her barren for the rest of her life.

As strange as it may sound, man has a fear of contempt and a great desire for respect. Is it therefore wrong for a husband to desire respect from his wife? Respect is his God given need he possesses which was given and created by God.

During a random sample of 400 men, the following results were determined in reference to conflict with their spouses. 82% said they felt disrespected, not unloved. In light of these statistics, what would you say to a wife who labels her husband as arrogant when he expresses his need of respect? He’s not being arrogant……..he just needs to be respected. Remember a husband will never feel fond feelings of affection in his heart towards a wife he feels despises who he is (dis-respects him).

Ladies, I know you want the Closeness, Openness, Understanding, Peacemaking, Loyalty and Esteem……but it will never even be a thought to him if he feels disrespected. In a perfect world, we would both move at the same time……..but this world (unfortunately) is far from perfect, so WHO IS GOING TO MOVE FIRST? To hold out and wait for ‘things’ to change only places our marriage on the ‘crazy cycle’ and will never energize the others response. Even if you feel unloved or disrespected….. that gives you NO reason to withhold your love/ respect from your spouse. TRUE love is never ‘doing’ to receive something in return. True love is a choice that must be followed by action. If we want a change………make the change.

She needs love, he needs respect. Not wrong, just different! So how can a wife respect her husband? Here are some different ways-

  - By appreciating his desire to work and achieve. To him it’s not a choice he can make, he has no choice.

  - By appreciating his desire to protect and provide (and even die for you).

  - By appreciating his desire to be strong and to lead (make decisions).

  - By appreciating his desire to analyze and console.

  - By appreciating his desire for a shoulder to shoulder friendship.

  - By appreciating his desire for sexual intimacy.

 

Over the next few days we will look into all these points in great depth- but let me warn you ladies, this is not going to be a very ‘emotional and romantic’  journey. In fact you are going to look and say. ‘That’s all he wants?’ You will realize his needs are so different to yours, but yet still so important to HIM!

I truly believe that as you apply these principles, you will unlock each others ‘deepest need,’ and as a result send your marriage to NEW heights! A bad marriage can be made much better. A great marriage can be made excellent……the only question is this- ‘Will you put in the work and be mature. Will you be the one that endeavors to do whatever it takes to make sure you are doing your part? Will you move first?’ That’s all I can ask…….that’s all anyone asks for!

Marriage is a great ‘adventure,’ especially when given the right tools and principles to make it BETTER!

Thoughts to consider (work on)

- (Both) Since the key to motivating another person is to meet that person’s ‘deepest need,’ I will try to motivate my spouse by meeting their greatest need for either love or respect.

- (Wife) When in a conflict with my husband, I will guard against coming across disrespectfully. I now realize how he loses energy when I show contempt.

- (Wife) I will try to focus on how to spell respect to my husband this week instead of my own needs.

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Day 8- Conquest, Hierarchy and Authority

I guess by the title I have perhaps given away the first three ways a man spells LOVE. Remember that Love to him is RESPECT. Just as a woman has her unique spelling for love…..here is how a man spells Respect- C.H.A.I.R.S (Which is)- 

Conquest,

Hierarchy,

Authority,

Insight, 

Relationship,

Sexuality.

Now to all the ladies that are reading this…….I know what you are thinking. That’s so unromantic and so unloving- what is he on an ego trip or something? It certainly may appear to be that way to you, but please believe me it’s not. This is the ‘deepest need’ of a man, that which he possesses. He needs to be respected for who he is.

As we look at the word Conquest we will being to realize something in a man- he has a need to be respected, in his desire to work and achieve…….he’s not just trying to do everything possible to stay away from HOME. He is providing for his home…….and that’s what drives him.

Listen to this story-

Kelly says to Philip. ‘I am sick and tried of you choosing work over the family. You get up early and come home late. You don’t care about me or the kids. It’s all about you. You have fun all day long, and give me very little of yourself. When you are at home, you fall asleep watching TV and give me no attention. We never talk………!’ This I’m sure is the way that many women feel. I guess the way I can best explain this is in the following way-

‘Call’ V’s ‘Freedom of Choice’ (Let me explain)

- A husband feels the ‘call’ to work outside the home. It’s not his choice……it’s inside of him, its part of who he is. It’s how God created him. In Genesis 2:15 we read-‘The Lord God took the man and put him into the Garden of Eden to cultivate and keep it.’ Even in paradise, Adam was created to work. To him it wasn’t a choice….it was his obligation, a requirement, HIS CALLING!

On the other hand, a wife views her own work outside the home as a freedom of choice issue- as an option, not an obligation. She wants the freedom to have babies and to take care of them full-time, if she wants. If she decides to be a full-time mommy, she expects her husband to care for her and the family. If she wants a career, that is her choice for herself. In other words………….she has a choice, but if a man chooses not to work he is labeled as ‘Irresponsible’ (And rightly so!).

What is one of the first questions your husband asks when he meets another man for the first time? Could it go something like this? ‘What do you do for a living?’ You see there is something deep in the soul of a man that finds his personal identity in what he does, where a woman finds her identity related to her family.

When God created woman (for man), He created her to be his helper (Genesis 2:18). God created woman to be alongside their husband supporting and admiring him for who he was. Ladies, when is the last time you ‘affirmed’ your husband? I know you can probably remember the last time you ‘crushed his spirit,’ because that’s what you do when you attack his ‘calling.’ Because of this response, many men feel that their role in the home is just regarded as ‘being the meal ticket.’ They feel unappreciated and disrespected for what they do!

Ladies when your husband is reacting unloving to you, could it be that he feels little respect for the long hours he puts in at work? BELIEVE ME, he would much rather be at home with his family, but he also feels the ‘calling’ to provide for them.

Next we will discover he needs Hierarchy, which is when you respect his desire to provide and protect. When a man senses that what he does is not good enough and is unappreciated, it literally crushes his spirit. He cannot deal with the fact that he is viewed as being unable to provide and protect his family…………the wife may not even feel that way towards him, but that’s how he decodes her words and actions.

I must say this- at perhaps the risk of being mis-understood. One of the main problems in the home today (in marriage) is that the wife is trying to assume the ‘role’ of hierarchy. I realize we live in a culture where there is equal opportunity and rights…….but really how has this ‘helped’ our society? Has it progressed us, or have we digressed? The Bible is very clear that MAN should be the head of his home. When this is out of place, it throws everything else off balance. (Men you need to hear that TOO!)

As a man we are not trying to be ‘controlling,’ as it has been labeled today, we are just fulfilling our responsibility. It’s our responsibility, not our right!

Listen to this story-

 ‘As a young couple struggling in the ministry, E.V Hill came home one evening to a dark home, but Jane, his wife was standing in the dining room. She had prepared a candlelight hot dinner for them. Before sitting down he decided to go and wash his hands. As he went into the bathroom and flipped on the lights, they didn’t come on. Right then he realized the electricity had been turned off. Returning to the table, Jane began to cry. ‘You work so hard, and we are trying, but it’s pretty rough. I didn’t have enough money to pay the light bill. I didn’t want you to know about it, so I thought we could just eat by candlelight.’

That night, Jane could have completely broken his ‘spirit.’ She could have ruined him……….but instead she tried to honor him for the hard working man he was. It wasn’t his fault, but she could have so easily accused him and blamed him for it.

What do you think happens to the heart of a husband who is viewed by his wife as not being a good enough provider? Perhaps you need to answer that one for yourself!

Lastly today, there is his ‘need’ for authority. As a man he needs to be strong and take the lead (to make the decisions). Many women say to me- ‘I wish he would make the decisions!’ But that’s not really true. When he makes the decisions he is second guessed every time and made to feel that his decision making is at best ‘weak.’ If you can’t support him in the decisions he makes…..then why should he feel energized to ‘take the lead.’ Ladies you ‘crush’ his spirit!

Why can’t he be just like me? Because God didn’t make him that way. What love ‘does’ for you, respect ‘does’ it for him?

So who is the leader in your home? Being the leader doesn’t mean being the dictator……you must realize that. There just has to be someone who makes the final decision. Here is what they tell us? The key to any successful marriage is COMMUNICATON. Really they are totally wrong. The key to any marriage is MUTUAL AGREEMENT. Where the two can agree together and the one makes the final decision.

Leadership 101 says that when a person has the primary responsibility, that person must also have the primary authority. In business a person is set up for failure when he is told to be responsible, but then hears. ‘But you don’t have any authority to carry that out!’

 Ladies, stop trying to take the ‘upper hand’ and place that God has ‘called’ your husband to fill. You may say- ‘Well I’ve had to do it, because he doesn’t!’ In some cases you may be right……..but I believe in many more wrong. Perhaps the reason he is not taking the ‘initiative’ and leading is because you have disrespected him and crushed his spirit and destroyed his ability to lead.

Why not become his #1 cheer leader, and cheer him on. Watch as his ‘spirit’ once again comes alive.

Thoughts to consider (work on)

- (Husband) As a husband I need to commit myself more to being a good manager of my household. Realizing my wife needs my LOVE.

- (Wife) I am going to go on record with my husband that he has 51% of the authority because he has 51% of the responsibility.

- (Wife) I will try not to ‘crush‘ his spirit, but to realize he is only trying to fulfill his God given ‘call.’

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Day 9- Insight, Relationship and Sexuality

Yesterday we began to discover how a man spells respect. Today I wish to continue that ‘adventure.’ We have already looked at Conquest, Hierarchy and Authority……all of which are very important to a man. Remember to him it’s not a freedom or choice- It’s a ‘calling.’ He’s not just trying to ‘stay’ away from home and be the ‘control’ freak; he’s just trying to provide for his family- that’s how God hard wired him to be. He needs to feel ‘respected’ for that!

The next point I wish to cover is Insight. A husband needs to feel that his wife respects him in his desire to analyze and counsel. He is not Just ‘trying to fix her,’ as she takes it so often to be……..he is just trying to solve the problem. Husbands, this is why we encouraged you in one of the earlier devotions to ask your wife whether she wants a listening ear or a solution. Automatically we ‘fall’ straight into the ‘Solution’ mode, because that’s our WAY.

So why is a husband’s insight so important? Because a husband tends to see all situations in ‘black and white,’ and not ‘color.’ This does not always mean that a man has all the ‘answers,’ in fact that’s far from the truth…….but it does usually mean that he does not allow his emotions to effect the outcome.

Just as a man has unique vulnerabilities because of his maleness (i.e. Visual sexual temptations), a woman has unique vulnerabilities because of her femaleness. In 1 Timothy 2:14 we read about such vulnerabilities-‘…….it was not Adam who was deceived, but the woman being quite deceived, fell into transgression.’

We all know the consequences of what took place when Eve was misled by another voice and her own feelings. So what does that show us? Certainly NOT that the husband is always right (and all the women said- Amen!), but it shows us the importance of needing each other. Learning to appreciate the ‘insight’ that he can also bring to the table.

A wife once wrote these words- ‘I know the Lord created me an emotional being and that’s ok. But I can be misled by my feelings. THAT was a ‘new’ thought for me.’ As hard as it is to admit any ‘short coming’ in our lives……..we must realize they are not failures! This just shows us the beauty of marriage, how two compliment each other when they work together. His weaknesses can be her strengths, and his strengths can be her weaknesses………but that’s ok, because together we are ONE.

God brought your husband into your life to help analyze and counsel you in the areas of his strength and your weaknesses. Just as you help him with his limitations, through the strengths you have. Therefore, neither of us can be independent of the other…….or at least we cannot without causing major problems!

The next point is Relationship. To a wife, relationship is played out in ‘face time.’ She wants that closeness and to talk!……not so with a man. He wants his wife to appreciate his desire for a shoulder-to-shoulder friendship.

Kelly says to the marriage counselor. ‘I can’t take any more of Philip’s stupid games. He says he wants to work on our relationship but doesn’t make any special effort to communicate and talk. All he wants is for me to go to the gym with him, watch football with him etc……He doesn’t want to spend anytime with me! It’s all about ‘playtime’ to him!’ But it really isn’t like that at all. He ‘needs’ that shoulder-to-shoulder time.

Every man knows his best buddies are those he likes doing activities with shoulder-to-shoulder. They can be together for hours and never even talk about a whole lot. Periodically they may share a thought, but most time just sits there. Are men wrong? NO they are not; their ‘deepest need’ is just different to a woman. She needs that ‘face time,’ he needs ‘shoulder-to-shoulder time. Not WRONG, just DIFFERENT!

Most men will tend to open up after doing activities without much talking. When they are outside building the ‘dog house’ they just want their wife there. She doesn’t have to say anything…… but just her ‘presence’ there beside him energizes him. It may be meaningless to you, but it certainly isn’t to him. It’s not just playing games and lack of communication….it’s one of the ways he spells ‘respect.’

Remember when you were courting. You probably expressed your desire to be with him as your forever friend. What did he hear from that? ‘She always wants to be there for me, cheering me on!’ He envisioned you being friendly day after day in the same way you envisioned him emotionally connecting with you day after day. Life has its way of getting so ‘busy’- but in that business, his desire for a shoulder-to-shoulder friendship hasn’t changed any more than the wife’s need (desire) to talk face-to-face?

As strange as it may sound. A husband feels fond feeling of affection arise in his heart towards his wife as she seeks to be with him without talking. Wives, in order to decode your husband’s behavior, ask these two questions.

- Is he trying to be unloving, or does he just feel I don’t like him as a friend?

- Is he trying to be un-loving, or is he just afraid that when we get close I will surface something negative?

And lastly today- Sexuality…….ladies you knew it had to get ‘there’ sometime! LOL. But, can you appreciate his desire for sexual intimacy? No guy likes to be pushed away. He’s not just trying to be insensitive and a ‘sexual pervert,’ it’s his way of feeling close to you.

Philip got up the courage to tell Kelly of his sexual desires. Her retort was, ‘Well, I’m too tired. Besides even if I wanted to, you don’t deserve it. You never take time to talk to me heart to heart and meet my emotional needs.’ Philip replies, ‘That’s what I’m trying to do now. But when I try to tell you ‘deep’ things like this you just ‘lose’ it. I can never win!’ Kelly continues, “I don’t have the need. Besides the kids take priority right now. What’s important is for you to learn how to talk to me and notice me out of the bedroom, and then maybe these other things might happen!’

How does a guy feel when he hears, ‘Have only eyes for me, but get away?’ Well that’s not what she said? She just wants him to understand her more and take more time to meet her ‘needs.’ Believe it or not…..that’s precisely what he is trying to do!

A man has what you would call- visual orientation. What I mean by that is- he is stimulated by what he sees. This can be both a joy and a struggle to him. He’s not just trying to be a ‘pervert,’ he has needs that need to be met visually. If his eyes are not satisfied at home, they will be satisfied outside the home. He doesn’t want to look else where…..and neither should he have too!

What can happen in a home (marriage) when a husband, or a wife is deprived sexually? The result is not a pretty picture. This is why 1 Corinthians 7:5 says- ‘Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again lest satan tempt you because of your lack of self-control.’

Husbands, when you care about your wife’s heart, she will open up sexually. Wives, when you care about your husband’s sexuality, he will open up his heart and respond to your heart.

So this begs the question…..WHO MOVES FIRST? What would happen if we both choose to be mature and both made the effort?

It’s not that he wants anything different from you. He just spells it differently. His ‘respect,’ is so different to your ‘love,’ but trust me the end results can be the same. It’s just learning to ‘decode’ our differences and be willing to give and take a little- After all, we are striving for the same goal…..to see our marriages become a greater success!

Thoughts to consider (work on)

- (Wife) I will try to be my husband’s friend this week. I am going to be friendlier and realize he needs that ‘shoulder to shoulder’ time.

- (Husband) When my wife seeks to be next to me without talking, I will tell her how much I appreciate that.

- (Wife) I will be more responsive to my husband’s male needs related to C.H.A.I.R.S, as I expect him to be more responsive to my female needs related to C.O.U.P.L.E.

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Day 10- Practical Ways to Love (C.O.U.P.L.E.)

As we have traveled along this 'adventure' I believe we have uncovered many 'wonderful' life-changing things. The best way I can explain it is as follows- 'It's like the lights have come on!' What we have discovered over the past few days is so practical and makes complete commonsense when you sit down and read about it, but to live it, is another story! I guess the reason it is so hard is because you have 2 people that are fighting for their own fulfillment......and failing to realize that in working together, they can maximize the rewards. Yes, it requires work and 'attention,' but name one thing of value that doesn't. Anything that is 'living' will grow and require attention.........our marriage is no different.

So are you willing to put into play the principles we have discussed? Are you willing to 'decode' your spouses 'need?’ Are you willing to stop mis-interpreting their desires and become willing to accept the fact we need different 'things'......... but that's ok! We're not WRONG, just DIFFERENT!

Over the next couple of days we are going to discuss practical ways for 'Love' and 'Respect.' Beginning first with how a husband can practically LOVE his wife. Some of these points may be totally obvious, and if that is the case, there is NO REASON why they should not already be at 'play' in your marriage............so just in case you really don't know........... we're going to give you the 'list.' This time leaving NO room for any excuses.

Remember the way a woman spells love? Closeness, Openness, Understanding, Peacemaking, Loyalty and Esteem (C.O.U.P.L.E.) Let's look at each point in greater detail (practically)

So how does a wife feel Closeness? We discovered she obviously doesn't feel 'close' sitting beside you as you watch the TV. To Her it's 'face-to-face time she needs.' A wife needs to know that you care......and you can show her that by the simplest of actions. Holding her hand, a hug, affection without sexual intentions.......these are a great place to start. Don't just assume that she knows how much you love her.......validate that love with action. Those smallest 'things' carry such a powerful weight.

So how does she feel Openness? We discovered she obviously doesn't when we 'close up shop' and demand that she ‘drops it.’ Remember she can not move on beyond that. Actions of that nature make her feel that you are secretly mad at her, and she doesn't response well to that feeling. She wants you to begin to talk to her and share your feelings. She wants to hear about your day and the challenges you have faced. She wants to talk to you without harshness, guardedness or grunting.......she needs that!

Now guys, I never said this would be easy, or come naturally to you ..........but we cannot remain the same way and expect different results. They call that 'stupidity!' In the same way you must meet her 'needs,' we are going to ask her to do the same thing. Marriage has to be a 2-way street other wise it's a one way DEAD END! Just because you may not feel the need for such 'practicalities,' you must see she does! If she is your most valued possession in life......cherish her and make all the changes needed!

So how does she feel Understanding? We discovered that she doesn't when all you want to do is produce a solution. She doesn't want YOUR solution; she just wants to keep talking till she comes to her own 'solution’.......which most of the time (probably about 90%) is the same solution you could have given her 30 minutes ago! She wants you to empathize with her and assure her it's going to be ok. She wants you to listen to her (and listen some more!) She wants you to know when to give advice and when not to solve her problems. Remember we discussed that it would be a good thing for a husband to ask the question- 'Do you want a solution, or just for me to listen?' It really does help......try it! She wants you to occasionally repeat back to her the things she has said, so she knows you are still listening. She wants you to express appreciation for her contribution by hearing you say, 'I couldn't do your job.' (or things to that nature). These are not hard 'things,' to do; they just require commitment and time. She needs to know you care and understand!

So how does she feel Peacemaking? We discovered that obviously it doesn't help when she is 'shut out,' and situations are 'dropped,' without a resolution. She will constantly associate the 'next' issue as spill over from the previous 'issue,' if closure from before hasn't taken place. She will shelve those feelings and bring them back into play at any given time. The 'volcano' can erupt over something so small and minute to the husband......but it's a build up of unresolved issues to her. She needs you to admit when you are wrong and ask for her apology (that actual 'turns on' a woman to hear that!) She wants you to keep the relationship 'up-to-date', resolve the unresolved, and don't say 'Forget it!' She longs for you to pray with her after hurtful times. She needs to KNOW that there has been 'closure,' so she can move one........in other words guys, there must be resolution to the satisfaction of both 'parties!'

So how does she feel Loyalty? We discovered that she doesn't like the jokes about a 'newer model' etc. She struggles to 'decode' that, but takes it completely too heart......it wounds her deeply! She needs to know your total commitment to her, that you are 'in' this for the long haul. She needs to see that you don't look at other women. She needs to hear you speak positive things about her in front of family and friends. She cannot handle the 'dirty laundry' between you both being aired out to others. She never wants to hear you talk about how you regretted ever marrying her, and wish you could have a divorce. She MUST know you are committed until death do us part.

So how does she feel Esteem? We discovered that she doesn't like it when we degrade her, put her down and take her for granted. She needs to feel treasured above all others. She needs to hear your verbal support and see that you honor her in front of the children. She needs to hear 'praise' for the things she does. She needs to know that you value her opinion, even if perhaps different to yours........as you realize she is not perhaps wrong- BUT JUST DIFFERENT!

So how? So how? So how? I hope I have tried to answer those questions for you today. Again, it's never been the case that it's 'really' hard to do......it's just ARE YOU WILLING TO DO IT? As you respond to her 'deepest need' you will be amazed how much that 'energizes' her to meet your 'deepest need!'

Make a commitment to change. Don't become 'pig-headed' and say- 'This is who I was when she married me. She should have known what she was getting into!' That could be true? But why would we want to remain that same way, literally destroying the one we love? Through our wiliness to change, our marriages will take on new light- we will be amazed by the results we see.

Our marriage is worth every effort we can make. Try it and SEE!

Thoughts to consider (work on)

-ALL OF THE ABOVE!

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Day 11- Practical Ways to Respect

Yesterday we discussed about the ‘practical’ ways a husband can spell ‘love’ to his wife. Today we are going to look at the ways that a wife can ‘practically’ spell ‘Respect’ to her husband. When we talk about ‘practically,’ what we mean is taking these principles we have discovered over the past days and putting them to work in our marriage. Just reading the information will never be enough…..it then must be practically applied.

The ‘needs’ of a husband are different to that of his wife…..but they are still ‘needs’ that must be fulfilled. For a marriage to work it requires both parties doing their part: being willing to adapt, ‘decode,’ and make all adjustments required. Let’s then look at how a wife can ‘practically’ energize and motivate her husband as she discovers what he interprets RESPECT as-

Remember the way a husband spells respect. Conquest, Hierarchy, Authority, Insight, Relationship and Sexuality (C.H.A.I.R.S.) Lets look at each point in greater detail (practically).

So how does a husband sense Conquest? We discovered he doesn’t when he is accused of having all the fun and never being at home to help with the family. That’s not a freedom of choice to him……..he has to fulfill his ‘calling,’ which is to provide for his family. In failing to do that he will be labeled as being ‘irresponsible.’ (and rightly so, I may add) A Husband needs to feel that you appreciate him in his pursuit to work and achieve.

When is the last time you just ‘thanked’ him for going to work everyday? He needs to feel that you ‘cheer’ his successes both in business and in sports. He needs to know that you ‘desire’ to hear him talk about his dreams and plans. He feels respect through that.

So how does a husband sense Hierarchy? We discovered he doesn’t when a wife ‘destroys’ his spirit by making him feel that he is worthless, by belittling his image. A husband needs to feel that his position as overseer is appreciated and respected. He needs for his wife to see his desire to protect and provide, and how he would even die for her! He needs to hear you say, ‘I really do look up to you for feeling responsible for me. For taking care of me and providing for our home.’ He needs to hear praise for the commitment he had made to provide. He needs the affirmation you can bring. He can be in a room of people that are singing his praises, and honoring him in everyway possible………but still the one he looks to amongst the crowd is you; to hear your response. All others really doesn’t matter to him, he only desires to hear ONE voice- Yours!

So how does a husband sense Authority? We discovered he doesn’t when he is unable to make the decisions in the home, when what he says carries no weight or worth, when his opinion doesn’t matter. A Husband feels appreciated and empowered (energized) when his position is understood and respected, when the wife realizes his desire to be ‘strong’ and take the lead in the home. Yes, he’s afraid he’ll make mistakes…….but when he knows he has your support, he knows that together you will be a winning team!

When is the last time you perhaps even did something as silly as squeezing his muscles and telling him how strong he is (please note- I didn’t say, grab his gut and comment of how out of shape he is. LOL). You may ask, what would that do to him? It actually gives him symbolic meaning- by that he feels that you recognize his inner strength and ability to lead. He needs to hear you praise him for his good decisions, and stop ‘nagging’ him for the bad ones. He needs you to honor his authority in front of the kids, never to undermine him……he’s not a control ‘freak,’ that’s just his ‘calling!’

So how does a husband sense Insight? We discovered he doesn’t when he feels that his input is rejected and his ‘good intentions’ are completely misread. ‘All you want to do is fix me!’ she feels? But that’s not his intent! He just is trying to analyze the situation and give the right counsel. He needs to feel that you appreciate his perspective and proposals, and his desire to bring a solution.

When is the last time you thanked your husband for his advice and knowledge? Perhaps it is something you need to do on a regular basis…….he values your opinion of him; greater than you can ever imagine. He knows when he has screwed up, and doesn’t have to be reminded of that……but he longs to hear your thanks. Allow your husband to be able to handle situations and ‘fix’ them. He is not trying to meddle; he just feels that it is his responsibility to help ‘fix’ every problem. He also needs to know from you, what you need- if you just want an ear to ‘listen,’ then tell him, but if you need a solution, he is ‘ready’ and waiting! Remember to a man the world is more ‘black and white,’ but to a woman it’s ‘tie-dye color!’

So how does he sense Relationship? We discovered he obviously feels uncomfortable with face-to-face time, so that’s not what he’s looking for. He just wants shoulder-to-shoulder time. For you to value his partnership and pastimes. He just wants to know that you are there beside him……..and you don’t need to always talk! He needs to know that you like him. What? Yeah; he needs to know that! He may know you love him, but he sometimes feels you don’t LIKE him! He wants you to enjoy doing recreational activities with him, or just watching him do them. As you respect his need for shoulder-to-shoulder time this will energize him to re-connect with you- and give you what you ‘need.’

And lastly (the big one!) How does he sense Sexuality? We discovered that believe it or not he is not just a perverted raging hormone! and feels rejected when he is viewed as such. Because of his ‘visual orientation,’ this is both a joy and struggle to him. He needs to feel ‘wanted.’ He needs to be appreciated for his passions and desires, and for the fact that he desires to be sexually intimate with you. A Husband feels this when you initiate intimacy periodically. When you begin to respond more often, instead of him always feeling he’s the only ‘one’ that wants IT! A husband needs to know that when he is able to be honest with you about his ‘male’ struggles that you don’t respond in judgment and shame. He longs to be close. He may not deserve it but remember this-

‘Care about your wife’s heart and she will respond sexually. Care about a husband sexually and he’ll open his heart and respond to his wife’s heart. This begs the question: WHO MOVES FIRST?’

Today I have tried to ‘ask’ each one of you ladies to be patient with us. Our needs may not be your needs…….but they are still important to us. We know we can get it all wrong (more often than not) but we are really trying to win your heart. Will you help us, by respecting our ‘needs’ to? It’s the simplest words and actions that mean the most to us!

We’re not WRONG- just DIFFERENT!

Thoughts to consider (work on)

-ALL OF THE ABOVE!

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Day 12- The Incentive

Over the past almost 2 weeks now we have journeyed together along an ‘adventure’ of marriage, discovering many principles (that when applied) will transform our marriages. We have looked at the ‘Crazy Cycle’- How ‘Without love she reacts without respect. And without respect he reacts without love…….and so the ‘cycle’ spins. We have looked at the ‘Energizing Cycle’- How ‘His love motivates her respect. And her respect motivates his love.’

Today we are going to begin to look at the ‘Reward Cycle’- ‘His love regardless of her respect. And her respect regardless of his love.’ Yes I did say ‘regardless!’ We perhaps don’t like that word, but God has called us to love/ respect in an unconditional way………that’s AGAPE love: God’s way!

Imagine if you were offered $5 million to be loving and respectful towards one another for 4 weeks. The catch is this- a film crew would follow you around 24/7 to see if you showed any signs of hostility and distain. For $5 million do you think you could refrain from being unloving and disrespectful? I think you most definitely would! The thought of what’s at stake would motivate you to change your ‘response/ action’ real quick.

So here’s the question then- Do we lack the ability to be loving or respectful, or do we lack the incentive? Wow, take sometime to just let that sink in for a moment. It’s never the fact we can’t, but really the fact that we chose NOT to! We could all learn something from the ‘Little Engine That Could’-

‘I think I can. I think I can, I think I can!’

When we think about it in that light, none of us have any excuse. We can make the excuse he/ she doesn’t deserve my love/ respect, but the truth is…….the day we said I DO, we agreed to ‘better for worse, richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.’ Nothing was ever agreed about if they ‘don’t treat me right and give me what I need!’ As harsh as that may sound- IT’S THE TRUTH!

Let me ask you some true or false questions-

- Sometimes a wife will not show respect for her husband no matter how hard he tries to show her unconditional love. (true or false?)

- But, CAN he continue to show unconditional love?

- Sometimes a husband will not show love for his wife, no matter how hard she tries to unconditionally respect him. (true or false?)

- But, CAN she continue to show unconditional respect?

In the eyes of God, no act of love and respect is ever wasted, even if one’s spouse is unresponsive. Everything matters to God. Nothing goes un-noticed……..think about that. We may not get what we ‘think’ we need, but isn’t God able to give us just ‘what’ we need?

This is how the reward cycle works- His love blesses, regardless of her respect…….Her respect blesses, regardless of his love.

Do you believe that God blesses and rewards those who love/ respect in such manner……unconditionally? Eph 6:8 says- ‘You know that the Lord will reward everyone for whatever good he does, whether he is a slave or free.’ (NIV) What do you think Paul means when he says the Lord will reward everyone? I believe he meant exactly what he wrote……God is no man’s debtor. Has He not said it, so will he not do it!!! You can be sure that God will be true to His Word!

So to love that one who doesn’t respect, and to respect that one who doesn’t love has to be a choice. True love is always a choice followed by an action. We want the response…….we’re just human, but what if it doesn’t ‘come’ back to us in the way we think it should. What do we do? Do we quit, or do we persist? One thing I have learnt is this- if you haven’t got the result you desire, you never will if you quit and fail to continue. If you haven’t ‘received it’ yet, it’s because you haven’t arrived there yet……and never will if you cease in your ‘journey/ pursuit.’

Remember ALL our rewards are not just ‘this’ side of Heaven. The Bible says that we are to lay up treasures in Heaven. Have you ever thought that what you do in your marriage here on earth could result in untold rewards in Heaven? Rewards beyond your ‘wildest dreams.’ (Eph 3:20)

Our obvious goal is to see your marriage here on earth blessed, as you both learn to ‘energize’ each other through right respond and action……..but what if that doesn’t happen? You’re ‘requirement’ is still the same……..to GIVE UNCONDITIONALLY.

Remember it’s not ability we lack,

but incentive!

Thoughts to consider (work on)

- (Both) I am going to be like the Little Engine that said, ‘I think I can.’ If I am willing to be loving and respectful for $5 million, I should be willing to be loving and respectful for GOD.

- (Both) I will remind myself that nothing is wasted and goes un-noticed to God. Everything matters! My love and respect always counts to GOD.

- (Both) I am going to focus on this idea of ‘unconditional.’ I really want to do what I do independent of my spouse’s response!

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Day 13- Unto Christ

What I’m going to write today is a ‘hard’ thing. We are going to talk about our response…..no matter what is given in return. It’s ‘easy’ to respect someone who ‘loves’ you, but it’s another story when they don’t. It’s ‘easy’ to love someone when they ‘respect’ you, but it’s another story when they don’t!

Most spouses will respond in a ‘positive’ way when their ‘deepest need’ is met, but there are always exceptions to that rule. As Children of God I believe God’s Word is very clear that we must build our lives upon ‘principles’ and not exceptions. In any relationship, in any ‘act’ of our lives, the goal must be the same……..to touch the heart of God! To live in such a way that fully pleases HIM. A life of complete surrender.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you. You aren’t primarily loving your wife or respecting your husband for what it can do to improve your marriage…….your real desire is to touch the ‘very’ heart of God!

In the big picture of it all, as husbands and wives we should be practicing the principles of love and respect first and foremost out of desire to obey Christ and His command in Ephesians 5:33 (love and respect). One day we all desire to hear the words- ‘Well done thy good and faithful servant.’……..but that faithfulness is in complete obedience to the entirety of God’s Word, including the way we respond to our spouses!

Marriage can almost be regarded as a tool or a test. Let me explain. Earlier in that passage in Ephesians we read in v22 Paul telling wives to submit to their husbands, ‘as to the Lord.’ It then goes on in v25 to tell husbands to love their wives ‘…..just as Christ also loved the church….’ Paul is therefore teaching both the husband and the wife that in marriage the true believer should always be conscious of Christ. Ultimately he is saying that each one should love or respect because of their love and reverence for Christ.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse…..it has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ. You practice love or respect beyond your spouse………you picture- with the eyes of faith- Jesus Christ standing there.

In Genesis 1:27 the Bible says that- ‘God created man in His own image, in the image of god he created him; male and female He created them.’ In other words, both male and female reflect the image of God on earth. Some contend that Jesus the LOVER is the image of God on the earth. Some see Jesus through PINK and therefore the desires and nature of women best reflect the image of God on earth.

BUT WAIT!-

Christ the Lord is the conquering King, the one who is head over all, the one who was given all authority in Heaven and Earth, the one who has all wisdom, knowledge and insight……thus they see Him as BLUE which is best reflected in the desires and nature of men.

Both are actually correct- Jesus the LOVER is pink and Christ the LORD is blue. But when pink and blue are blended we get purple……..the color or royalty, the true color of God! Together the husband and wife reflect Jesus the Christ, our Loving Lord!

God is not pink, neither is He blue. God is PURPLE. Together as husband a wife we can reflect the TRUE image of God. It may not be easy…….but we need to do so……why? Because we LOVE HIM! This is why in marriage we have so many ‘struggles and trials,’ because satan is trying to destroy the ‘image of God’ through our ‘marriage’ relationships.

Everything we do- every action, every thought, ever deed…….must be unconditional, unto the GLORY OF GOD!

Sure puts marriage in a different light…….doesn’t it!

Thoughts to consider (work on)

- (Both) I will see my marriage as a tool and a test that deepens and demonstrates my love and reverence for Christ. WOW! I never thought about this before.

- (Both) I am committing myself to do what I do in marriage as ‘unto Christ,’ because I want to hear from Him…… ‘Well done they good and faithful servant.’

- (Both) I am going to try to let my love and reverence for Christ spill over onto my spouse. If I love Christ, I should come across more lovingly to my spouse. If I reverence Christ, I should come across more respectfully to my spouse.

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Day 14- A New Response and a New Prayer

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

Over this ‘entire adventure’ I believe we have learnt many challenging things about each other. I believe we have begun to see ‘pink and blue’ differences. I believe we have accepted the fact that we’re Not WRONG, JUST DIFFERENT. I believe we have discovered that we are 2 ‘good willed people’ striving (or desiring) the same goals, but not being able to always ‘decode’ our responses. I believe we have realized there is GREAT hope for the success of our marriages……..it’s just having one that is willing to MOVE FIRST (that one being the most mature)

We can ‘lead’ ourselves to believe that we are - ‘doing it just to hurt the other.’ but Biblically (as ONE) we are also hurting ourselves. We must look at our marriages in a different way, realizing that God requires us to love or respect unconditionally…….and that means perhaps with nothing in return! But as we discovered over the past few days- NOTHING goes unnoticed to God. We may not get ‘all’ the returns here on Earth, but we ‘sure’ are laying up treasures in Heaven. In other words, we are living obedient to God’s Word!

Let me share some last thoughts for you to consider today-

Kelly reveals my lack of love; she doesn’t cause my lack of love. I reveal Kelly’s lack of respect; I do not cause her lack of respect.

As happy as Kelly and I are……we still go through Reward Cycle moments. (His love blesses regardless or her respect……her respect blesses regardless of his love). I must constantly remember that Kelly doesn’t cause me to be the way I am; she only reveals the way I am. When I am unloving to Kelly, it’s because I still have issues……it shows me I still have ‘much’ growing up to do!

So in all of this I have a choice. Will I admit my failures and be mature, or will I play the victim? As the victim I can blame Kelly, the circumstances, or whatever. By playing the role of the victim, I will not become more mature, and as a result never help my marriage.

What I am saying is this- my response is my reasonability. We can always point the finger and blame the ‘other’ but what perhaps ‘sparked’ their response or action? Is it completely on them…….or did I play a part in the process? Wow, we have become ‘masters’ in blaming everyone else! Today we find ourselves living in a society where very seldom few take responsibility for situations, but instead pass the blame.

Just suppose Kelly is at fault, that she is the one who is being disrespectful (through no fault of mine). I tell myself I have the ‘right’ to feel hurt, angry and mad……but if I do, I am placing myself right back in the victim mindset again. No matter who is at fault, I can end the ‘Crazy Cycle’ in my marriage! Yes, it’s hard…….but I must remind myself of the reason I chose to do this…………unconditional love or respect in the IMAGE OF CHRIST!

Do you believe that your response is your responsibility? That’s an important question to consider. If you constantly live life ‘blaming’ all others…….you will only live life at the ‘mercy’ of others. You will allow your life to be ‘controlled’ by all outside pressure, influences, circumstances and situations. To take responsibility is a powerful thing. It’s definitely the FIRST step you need to take!

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at any given moment, your spouse does not have control of your reaction, you do! You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Why is this so important? Because in living (in obedience to God’s Word) we can win our spouses over to God! No matter how unloving a husband may be at the moment, when a wife unconditionally respects him out of obedience to Christ, she can win him over (1 Peter 3:1-2). And the same principle is true for husbands. No matter how disrespectful a wife may be, when a husband unconditionally loves her out of obedience to Christ, he can win her over. (Hosea 3:1)

There is no absolute guarantee that if you love and respect you will win your spouse……….but on the other hand, treating him/ her with hostility and contempt will never either! I know the ‘way’ that will bring the most favorable results, and at least produce hope! At the end of the day it’s a ‘faith venture.’ Are you willing to make the following commitment? ‘I must trust God to help me win my spouse, and if my spouse is not won, may it never be because of my ‘wrong’ response……may I always remain true to doing that which I know God requires from me!’

In any ‘successful’ marriage there must be prayer. Constantly ask God to help you in your marriage. ‘Apart from HIM, you can do nothing‘ (John 15:5). Asking God for help means we need to pray……and do lots of it! Lol. When you pray, you also need to remember that all your prayers should not all be directed at your ‘spouse.’- ‘Oh God, please change them and show them what they are doing wrong. Please show them how to treat me…..etc……etc…..’ Our prayers MUST first start with us!- ‘Lord, I know I am not getting the response I need, but please show me any faults and short coming I may have that are prompting those negative responses…..etc….etc….’

Remember marriage is not a ‘sprint,’ It’s a ‘marathon.’ It is going to involve many twists and turns, highs and lows, frustrations and bliss………..but it requires your total attention at all times.

These principles we have given to you over the past 2 weeks WORK! But they must be constantly applied. Just like salvation, your marriage is a daily walk (or adventure). You will only get out of it, what you are putting in!

It doesn’t take 2 to make a successful marriage…..it takes 3! With Christ as the center (and image) of your marriage, you WILL MAKE IT THROUGH!

Be blessed in your ‘adventure’ together. Remember….not WRONG, just DIFFERENT! And that’s OK!

Thoughts to consider (work on)

- (Both) I encourage you over the next year to periodically re-read these devotions, and to make sure you are still following the ‘right’ game plan.

- (Both) Be transparent with each other. By that I mean have times where you can be completely honest with your feeling and bring everything out in the open so your spouse can know how you truly feel. And please- when they pour out their heart/ feeling to you, don’t accuse them of being silly for feeling that way! That will never help the situation but only make them close up. Their feelings/ concerns are real to them……try to understand and see where they are coming from.

- (Both) Practice and use those one-liners we gave you.

For example-

- ‘That seemed very unloving. Did I come across as being disrespectful?

- ‘That seemed every disrespectful. Did I come across as being unloving?’

- ‘Do you want a solution, or for me to just listen?’

(You will do well to add these to you ‘life.’ They really do work!)

- (Both) Enjoy the journey/ adventure TOGETHER.

- (Both) Life is too short…keep short accounts!

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