Should I Get A Divorce? - Focus on the Family

MARRIAGE RESOURCE

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DIVORCE

Should I Get A Divorce?

Things You Should Know Before Calling the Attorney

Heartache. Pain. Betrayal. A marriage on the rocks can be devastating. But before you bail out on your spouse, consider all the ramifications--for you and your children. Take heart! These resources might give you a new path forward.

Has your "I do" become "I can't"?

by Amy Desai, J.D.

No couple goes into marriage thinking they'll be the ones who won't make it. Certainly, at your wedding, you thought you were promising a love that would last a lifetime. Now, for reasons you may not fully understand, that dream seems shattered. As you try to understand the pain and determine what to do, divorce may look like an appealing way out. "After all," you might reason, "life is full of second chances. Perhaps I simply married the wrong person, and Mr. or Ms. Right is still out there somewhere." You may think you were too young when you married, or that you never really loved your spouse. Or maybe you are just tired of the arguing, tired of the lack of communication, tired of the coldness in your relationship. Perhaps you simply want out--period. Or maybe you are hoping against hope that your marriage can be salvaged.

"Most people are not prepared for the challenges of post-divorce life."

Before you bail out of your marriage, carefully consider what you'll be diving into. Most people are not prepared for the challenges of post-divorce life. This booklet is designed to help you understand the effects of divorce before you make that choice, to give insight into what you--and your children--will face. By providing solid facts, it will help you make a more informed decision. Be encouraged that no matter how hopeless it seems, there's a possibility your marriage can be saved. It's our sincere desire that your marriage will be transformed into the loving relationship you hoped it would be when you first said, "I do."

Who gets divorced?

Bill was a pillar in his small farming community, Melissa the faithful housewife. 1 They were a good Christian family, and she was looking forward to their upcoming 25th wedding anniversary. Melissa was in shock the night Bill came home and told her he had found "the love of his life" and was moving out. She literally spent the next year crying, unable to care for their 16-year-old daughter.

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Unfortunately, Melissa's story is not uncommon. While the divorce rate in America has leveled off and even decreased slightly in the past few years, the divorce rate is still twice as high as it was in 1960. 2 It's estimated that for couples marrying today, the lifetime probability of divorce or separation remains between 40 and 50 percent before one partner dies, although this percentage is significantly lower for those who marry after age 21, graduate college and are religiously committed. 3 More than one million children a year experience their parents' divorce. 4 And a recent survey reported that the divorce rate among Christians is now the same as or higher than in the broader culture. 5 Almost everyone knows someone who is either divorced or is a child of divorced parents. In fact, it seems rare to find young adults whose parents are still married. Divorce has become widely accepted. The growing acceptance of divorce has made it seem easier and all the more tempting.

"The majority of marriages ending in divorce have average levels of happiness and conflict."

Research shows the majority of marriages ending in divorce have average levels of happiness and conflict. 6 In other words, these are not deeply troubled, physically or emotionally abusive relationships, although even those are not always irreversibly broken. In short, most of the marriages that end in divorce are just plain average, or "good enough." Instead of throwing in the towel, these average marriages could be improved over time--if the spouses stayed together. Is your relationship one of these normal but--at least at this time--unhappy marriages? Could it be improved and saved from divorce? Before you say, "No way!" please continue reading.

More than one million children a year experience their parents' divorce.

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How would divorce affect me?

Sherry and Rob tried to spare their children the details of their breakup. Their marital problems were further complicated by Rob's affair with the secretary at the church he was pastoring. Without a college education, Sherry was forced to move back in with her parents, where she continues to live 12 years later. At one point, she attempted to recover the $100,000 in child support Rob hadn't paid over time but was only able to get $18,500--barely enough to pay a few of the bills that had been piling up.

Sherry's story points out one all-too-real fact of divorce: Post-divorce families usually suffer financially. Studies show that women experiencing divorce face roughly a 30 percent decline in the standard of living they enjoyed while married, and men show a 10 percent decline. 7 The consistency of this finding caused one researcher to conclude: "However `prepared' for marital disruption women increasingly may be, they are not prepared in ways sufficient to cushion the economic cost." 8

"Post-divorce families usually suffer financially."

And remember--that's all after the fact. The divorce itself can be a financial hurdle. While some divorce proceedings are relatively inexpensive, the fees can soar. Each case will vary. Attorney John Crouch describes it this way:

You can get [a divorce] for under $10,000 per spouse in lawyer fees if you're lucky and if both the spouses and their lawyers are reasonable and fair. [This does not include what the divorce] does to the standard of living, [or] having to pay [child] support, [or] the expenses of visitation. But you really can't predict [even] that. . . . Either side can pull all kinds of stuff in court that just makes both the lawyers waste time until one client runs out of money. I just finished one case where they settled, but then the husband had to spend $70,000 just to enforce the settlement agreement! 9

Women experiencing divorce face roughly a 30 percent decline in the standard of living they enjoyed while married.

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What else would divorce cost me?

But there's more to life than money. There are many other areas where men and women are affected by divorce. With more than 30 years of research, we now know divorce seldom leads to a better life. Consider that: ? Life expectancies for divorced men and women are significantly lower than for married people (who have the longest life expectancies). 10 ? A recent study found that those who were unhappy but stayed married were more likely to be happy five years later than those who divorced. 11 ? The health consequences of divorce are so severe that a Yale researcher concluded that "being divorced and a nonsmoker is slightly less dangerous than smoking a pack a day and staying married." 12 ? After a diagnosis of cancer, married people are most likely to recover, 13 while the divorced are least likely to recover, indicating that the emotional trauma of divorce has a long-term impact on the physical health of the body. ? Men and women both suffer a decline in mental health following divorce, but researchers have found that women are more greatly affected. 14 Some of the mental health indicators impacted by divorce include depression, hostility, self-acceptance, personal growth and positive relations with others.

"People often view divorce as a way to end the fighting. But the problems usually

don't go away after divorce."

People often view divorce as a way to end the fighting. But the problems usually don't go away after divorce. Often, anger and animosity only increase when a divorce occurs. And the problems aren't solved by a second marriage.

As Dr. Mark Hoffman, a counselor in private practice, reported, "I would say 35 to 40 percent of my time is spent with those who are arguing, bickering or in court over issues after their divorce. The problems are still there, but they have to deal with attorneys, judges and psychologists and are trying to solve the same old problems. You will find those problems still prevail in their second marriage--[but] now they have to deal with two spouses." 15

Second marriages have a much higher rate of divorce than first marriages. As Hoffman said, "What you are arguing over during the divorce or what led you to the divorce and what frustrated you [so much] that you wanted to quit and move out--these factors will go on to haunt you after the divorce. If you get into another relationship, you are going to think about running away from that one [too]."

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Divorced parents also suffer in their relationships with their children. In most cases, non-custodial fathers are unable to maintain the level of involvement with their children that they previously had. And the damaged relationship does not always heal when the child becomes an adult. As researchers found, "Nearly two-thirds of young adults from disrupted families had poor relationships with their fathers." 16 And some of these young adults had poor relationships with both parents.

"Divorced parents also suffer in their relationships with their children."

These findings led the researchers to conclude that "many of these young people are especially vulnerable to influences outside the family, such as from boyfriends or girlfriends, other peers, adult authority figures and the media. . . . From the viewpoint of an individual parent, the prospect that divorce means one is likely to have a poor relationship with one's grown offspring should give the parent who is contemplating separation some pause. The knowledge that this is often the case might even lead to some parents trying harder to make their marriages work or at least to maintain reasonable post-divorce relationships with their children and former spouses." 17

Nearly two-thirds of young adults from disrupted families had poor relationships with their fathers.

How could divorce affect my kids?

Many years ago, the myth began to circulate that if parents are unhappy, the kids are unhappy, too. So divorce could help both parent and child. "What's good for Mom or Dad is good for the children," it was assumed. But we now have an enormous amount of research on divorce and children, all pointing to the same stubborn truth: Kids suffer when mothers and fathers split up. (And divorce doesn't make Mom and Dad happier, either.)

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The reasons behind the troubling statistics and the always-present emotional trauma are simple but profound. As licensed counselor and therapist Steven Earll writes:

Children (and adult children) have the attitude that their parents should be able to work through and solve any issue. Parents, who have given the children life, are perceived by the children as very competent people with supernatural abilities to meet the needs of the children. No problem should be too great for their parents to handle. For a child, divorce shatters this basic safety and belief concerning the parents' abilities to care for them and to make decisions that truly consider their well-being.

Children have the strong belief that there is only one right family relationship, and that is Mom and Dad being together. Any other relationship configuration presents a conflict or betrayal of their basic understanding of life. In divorce, children [tend to] resent both the custodial and absent parent. 18

While virtually every child suffers the lost relationship and lost security described above, for many, the emotional scars have additional, more visible consequences. More than 30 years of research continues to reveal the negative effects of divorce on children. Most of these measurable effects are calculated in increased risks. In other words, while divorce does not mean these effects will definitely occur in your child, it does greatly increase the risks. The odds are simply against your kids if you divorce.

"Kids suffer when mothers and fathers split up. (And divorce doesn't make Mom and Dad happier, either.)"

Research comparing children of divorced parents to children with married parents shows:

? Children from divorced homes suffer academically. They experience high levels of behavioral problems. Their grades suffer, and they are less likely to graduate from high school. 19 ? Kids whose parents divorce are substantially more likely to be incarcerated for committing a crime as a juvenile. 20 ? Because the custodial parent's income drops substantially after a divorce, children in divorced homes are almost five times more likely to live in poverty than are children with married parents. 21 ? Teens from divorced homes are much more likely to engage in drug and alcohol use, as well as sexual intercourse than are those from intact families. 22

Before you say, "Not my kid," remember that the children and teens represented in these statistics are normal kids, probably not much different from yours. Their parents didn't think they would get involved in these things, either. Again, we're looking at increased risks.

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 Children in divorced homes are almost five times more likely to live in poverty than are children with married parents.

A few more statistics to consider: ? Children from divorced homes experience illness more frequently and recover from sickness more slowly. 23 They are also more likely to suffer child abuse. 24 ? Children of divorced parents suffer more frequently from symptoms of psychological distress.25 And the emotional scars of divorce last into adulthood. 26 The scope of this last finding--children suffer emotionally from their parents' divorce--has been largely underestimated. Obviously, not every child of divorce commits crime or drops out of school. Some do well in school and even become high achievers. However, we now know that even these children experience deep and lasting emotional trauma.

For all children, their parents' divorce colors their view of the world and relationships for the rest of their lives.

"Even 25 years after the divorce, these children continued to experience substantial expectations of failure, fear of loss, fear of change and fear of conflict."

Psychologist Judith Wallerstein followed a group of children of divorce from the 1970s into the 1990s. Interviewing them at 18 months and then 5, 10, 15 and 25 years after the divorce, she expected to find that they had bounced back. But what she found was dismaying: Even 25 years after the divorce, these children continued to experience substantial expectations of failure, fear of loss, fear of change and fear of conflict. 27 Twenty-five years!

The children in Wallerstein's study were especially challenged when they began to form their own romantic relationships. As Wallerstein explains, "Contrary to what we have long thought, the major impact of divorce does not occur during childhood or adolescence. Rather, it rises in adulthood as serious romantic relationships move center stage. . . . Anxiety leads many [adult children

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