How to help a friend in a narcissistic relationship

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How to help a friend in a narcissistic relationship

What to do if you suspect someone you know is involved with a narcissist First of all let's cover the don't: * Do not underestimate how dangerous, manipulative and conniving a narcissist can be. Too many times people confuse narcissism with ordinary abusive behaviour or someone with an inflated ego. A true narcissist is cruel beyond comprehension and can cause immeasurable emotional and physical damage. They will stop at nothing to control their victim and that could include death. * Never make the victim feel they are responsible for their own abuse. By saying things like: I would never have stayed, I would have seen he was an asshole a mile off, he was attracted to your co-dependency, etc No one knows what it is like to be manipulated by a narcissist unless they have been there. -Narcissists are attracted to strong, competent, self sufficient women with a strong sense of responsibility and moral fiber. What woman wouldn't want to be described in those terms? The last thing a narcissist wants is someone needy or someone any one could have, she has to be a "trophy" and confident enough to keep his narcissistic supply coming. Plus the more self sufficient and confident she is the more determined the narcissist will be to "break" her, if he can make her totally dependent on him it is the ultimate in NS. * Do not withdraw your support in an effort to make them choose between you and the narcissist, or in anger because they won't leave or went back. Withdrawing your support is giving the narcissist exactly what they want ? total control over their victim and makes the victim dependent on the narcissist and reinforces what the narcissist is telling them; that they (the narcissist) is the only one they can rely on, the only one who truly loves them and that they are flawed in some way, why else would someone they cared about turn their back on them? * Do not expect the victim to return to their "old self" immediately after leaving the narcissist. The longer a person is involved with a narcissist the more damage is done to the person's self confidence, their esteem and even their perception of reality. That does not heal quickly, sometimes never. The victim has been abused at a soul level, comparable to a prisoner of war, a rape victim, a hostage; they can probably not even adequately describe what they have been through. In many cases they have blocked much of the abuse or minimized it; which is typical of a person in highly dangerous situation and was part of their attempts at survival. ? Many people leaving a relationship with a narcissist suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and should get help from a professional for that, someone who is familiar with Narcissism and the effect on the victims. *Do not believe anything the narcissist tells you, he will try anything to discredit the victim and make them appear to be the crazy one and it is the narcissist who is the victim. You can almost guarantee that whatever the narcissist is saying is the exact opposite of the truth. If he is saying she was unfaithful; it was him cheating. If he says she spent all the money; it was he who spent money. Remember the narcissist is an award winning actor, he's been doing it his whole life, if he does admit to any wrong doing it will be part of his plans to manipulate the situation in his favor. *Do not show the narcissist any sympathy! One of the tactics often used by a narcissist (especially when he feels he is losing ground) is to use other people as pawns in his efforts to control his victim. The victim needs no reasons to feel sorry for the narcissist, if they see you are sympathetic to his cause they will doubt they are doing the right thing by leaving. *Do not be overly critical of the narcissist to the point of the victim feeling they must defend him; remember the narcissist uses guilt as a means of manipulation. You don't want the victim to feel she has done anything wrong by confiding in you. The To-Do List: *Research Narcissism There are hundreds of support groups, forums, advice sites and sites giving professional opinions. No one can understand the power a narcissist has over his victim or how he gained that control or why a victim finds it so hard to leave. Unless you have been there it is impossible, but by reading other people's accounts of their experiences you will come to realize it is very common and perhaps develop some compassion for the loved one you are trying to help. *Reinforce that the victim is NOT responsible for the abuse, it is the narcissist that is sick and they can not save him. -You will have to do this often, once out of your company and back home with the narcissist the narcissist will work over time to extinguish any confidence the victim might have acquired while with you. It is a constant roller coaster ride in emotional hell and you might be the only person who can counter the insanity of living with a narcissist. *Document!! When the victim tells you of abuse, infidelity or any other mistreatment by the narcissist make note of it; if there is any physical abuse try to take pictures even if she refuses to press charges. It is actually best if she doesn't keep records herself because the narcissist IS going through her stuff whether she realizes it or not and if he finds it he will destroy it and "punish" her in some way. But this information will come in handy in the future as: Proof there was abuse should she have to go to court or get a restraining order. A reminder for the victim of what she had to live with when her resolve weakens. Proof of the truth in defense of the lies the narcissist will inevitably tell anyone who will listen. I was recently asked by a concerned reader how to help a friend that she was sure was married to a narcissist. Unfortunately, she probably will not like my answer because it is not a quick fix. It is a slow progression of help which I will get into further on, but first a little background into a typical victim's mindset. These matters are extremely delicate, as the victim in a narcissistic relationship has been brainwashed into believing that they somehow deserve the bad treatment. They believe that everything the narcissist does or says is actually their fault. As a result, the victim's sense of self is obliterated, their strength has been sapped to the point that they willingly take the abuse and have normalized it. They believe it is the best they can expect. Victims are actually fooled into believing that they are lucky to have the abuser! (Like Stockholm Syndrome) Usually, the relationship between a narcissist and a victim is that of the "pedestal and the pit." I discussed this tactic in another blog. This is the situation in a relationship where the narc will place his victim on a pedestal and treat her like gold, then the next moment, knock her down into the pit of mistreatment. It disorientates the victim to the point of confusion. This is a vicious cycle that never stops during a narcissist relationship. After undergoing this dizzying cycle of ups and downs, the feeling of being in the narc's good graces again and sitting on top of that pedestal feels so relieving to the victim after being in the "pit," it is addicting. As a result of this torment, the victim will do anything to please the narcissist. She will find herself ignoring the bad in the relationship and only focusing on the good in order to pull through day by day. So, she makes excuses for him, hoping and praying that things are going to be different. But things NEVER change. It is a sad truth. You cannot FIX a Narcissist! So, back to the question of "How to help a friend who is involved with a narcissist?" First, you can help your friend the most by sitting down with her and explaining your concerns and why you are worried about her. However, after being married to a Narcissist for 7 years myself, I am aware of how proficient your friend will be at making excuses for her husband's bad behavior. I was, I go into that topic more in this blog post. I covered for his bad behavior for numerous reasons. One of those was because I began to believe I didn't deserve better (as I mentioned above). Also, I wanted to live in the fantasy that our marriage was grand, I didn't want others to know what he was really like. I was afraid of casting a light on his horrible behavior and that would mean that I needed to finally do something about it. (Which I knew would be the most challenging task of my life.) Additionally, I made excuses because I shared children with him, and in my mind, I used to believe that divorce was the worst thing you could do to a child. However, now I realize that staying in a terrible, abusive marriage only teaches your children to become apathetic and perfect victims, or it teaches them to become narcissistic abusers themselves. Second, after showing your friend some material on narcissist behavior, you must tell your friend that because you care about her, no matter what, you will be there to support and encourage her whenever she is ready to seek help. What helped me was when my narc had a earth shattering tantrum in front of my parents that I couldn't cover up, and I had no possible excuses for. That moment, my concerned parents offered to take me and my children 3 hours home with them that day. I declined out of fear. But it got the wheels turning in my mind, and when my mother told me that she thought my husband was a Narcissist. I began to google everything I could on the disorder because I had no idea what that really was. In my research, I discovered that my husband had all the markers of it and it changed my mindset. Learning about narcissism opened my eyes to seeing how I was living day to day and forced me to take a good look at how I permitted him to control my life. In another blog, I discuss these 13 big signs that proved I was in a relationship with a narcissist. It was like a blanket of darkness finally lifted and I began to see him for what he really was. I had started figuring out what had been nagging me our whole marriage. But, the point is, I had to figure it out myself. My Mother planted the seed, she tried to pull me out of this relationship, but I was not ready to go. I needed it to be MY choice, on MY time. Then one day after endless research online and in books, I finally hit a point, where my fear of staying outweighed my fear of leaving. Third, you must be patient with your friend. It will take time, but you cannot just rip her away from a bad relationship. It will backfire and she will end up going back to him and cutting all ties with you. If you plant the seed, it will begin to grow in her mind and she needs to learn the truth herself. Looking back, what mattered the most to me during my revelation was knowing that my Mom and Dad were there to support me and to help when I was ready to leave. I am very thankful for that. In summary, there is no magic bullet to getting a friend away from a narcissistic relationship. It is a process that they alone have to be ready to undergo. The victim must be armored with knowledge about the narcissist's tactics before they begin to walk through that door. That is where you come in, be there for them, and they will never forget it, even if they seem to ignore your concerns at this point. I discuss how I made my escape in this blog post. To an outsider, it can be hard to understand why someone would stay in a toxic relationship, but unless you go through it, it is impossible to understand it. Just try to be sympathetic with your friend because it is such a drastic undertaking to break away from an abusive relationship that the victim must be in a fully committed state of mind to make it happen. If they are only "sort of" ready to leave, that wont be enough to succeed in escaping. If they understand that they have people in their life who love them and will be there to support them, that can make all the difference. how to help a narcissistic friend. how to support someone in a narcissistic relationship. how to help someone in a narcissistic relationship. how to deal with a narcissistic friend

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