Healthy Relationships & Successful Marriages



Healthy Relationships & Successful Marriages

By Carlton Brown, MFT Solutions

mftsolutions.ca

Canadian Facts About Healthy Relationships (from Statistics Canada)[1]

• About 80% of Canadians marry at least once in their lives

• Most of them stay in their first marriages

• The Canadian divorce rate is about 38% (the American rate is 50-60%)

• If your first marriage fails, your second one is more likely to survive (Canadian second marriage divorce rate is about 29%; American rate is 70%)

Factors in Successful Relationships[2]

• Age – the older you are, the better the relationship

• Education – the more education you have, the better the relationship. Getting a high school diploma reduces your risk of divorce by 38%

• Not living together – common-law couples are at a 50% higher risk of divorce in their first marriage (but no risk for living together before second marriage)

• Staying together – the longer you stay in a relationship, the longer it lasts

• Children – most successful marriages include children. But don’t have a child to save your marriage

• Religious observance – attending religious service (whatever faith) even a few times a year lowers your risk of divorce by 10-30%

• Immigration – Canadians whose first language is neither English nor French have a 26% lower risk of divorce

• Second marriage – in Canada, second marriages do better than first marriages (doesn’t mean you should ditch your first partner because the second one is bound to be better – only applies if your first marriage was a disaster)

• Believing in marriage – couples who believe in the value of their relationship (over their individual needs) stay together (sacrifice + commitment)

How to Keep Your Relationship Healthy

• Communication – to understand why your partner does the things s/he does (not to change them); to share your histories, likes, dislikes, hopes and dreams; to witness and protect your partner’s story

• Companionship – time alone as a couple (life begins when the kids leave home); and activities that you do away from your partner that your partner supports

• Affection – holding hands, touching, sitting together, eye contact, all the non-sexual physical contact that daily affirms your connection to one another

• Sex – mutually intimate and erotic contact, requires closeness, safety and commitment; allows for temporarily lowering the boundaries between humans; sense of merging, oneness

Danger Signals in a Relationship (Lack of Emotional Intelligence)[3]

The Amygdalar Response

The amygdala (Greek for “almond”) is a tiny almond-sized area at the base of the brain that triggers the body’s alarm system.

[pic][4]

It takes all the information coming into the body, and if it perceives a threat, of any kind, it triggers a powerful “fight or flight” response in the body. Heart rate goes up, adrenaline and cortisol (stress hormones) are released, digestion shuts down, and blood flow increases to the muscles. Your body is physiologically prepared to fight or run away.

This can happen while you are interacting with your relationship partner![5]

• Criticism – conflict resolution requires talking about differences and difficulties but do it this way: describe the problem, say how you feel, and say what you want. Don’t criticize your partner or call them names, i.e. “You’re a blockhead”, “You never do the dishes”, “The problem with you is…” These all activate the amygdalar response

• Contempt – watch yourself in the mirror. If you wrinkle your nose or roll your eyes when are with your partner, or when you talk about him/her, then you are activating the amygdalar response that signals a “bad smell.” Treating your partner like sour milk or mouldy cheese is not good for your relationship

• Defensiveness – this is an amygdalar response: what your partner has just said sounds like an attack to you, so you defend your actions. What you are doing is natural and protective, but it discounts your partner’s complaint and, in turn, it sounds like an attack to them. This activates your partner’s amygdalar response. A vicious cycle of “Did not! Did too!” ensues

• Stonewalling – after several cycles of criticism, contempt and defensiveness you “shut down” to protect yourself and no longer respond to your partner’s complaints. You may leave the room or simply ignore him/her. Avoiding your partner’s attacks to protect yourself from the stress of repeated amygdalar responses, you are also avoiding your marriage.

Emotionally Intelligent Relationships

• Don’t criticize: address issues by stating what you observe and by disclosing how you feel and what you want. This may still cause stress in your relationship but is less likely to invoke an amygdalar response

• Recognize your amygdalar reactions: learn to recognize when you are feeling threatened by your partner; note your increase in heart rate and breathing, your heightened awareness, a tensing of your muscles. Stop and think before you react. Take a deep breath, close your eyes and focus your awareness on your body (relaxation techniques). Speak to your partner about what just happened and what you are feeling. Ask him/her for help.

• Learn about your partner: favourite foods, favourite colour, wishes, dreams, hopes, fears. Become the keeper of your partner’s stories. Research shows that the more we know and protect about our intimate partners, the longer the relationship lasts[6]

• Hang in – all marriages are at high risk for divorce at the 3-year mark. This is a developmental stage that marriages go through. It gets better. Also, the longer you stay, the older you get, the more history and wisdom you collect – and the richer the relationship

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[1] Most of this data is taken from Warren Clark and Susan Crompton, Til death do us part? The risk of first and second marriage dissolution. Canadian Social Trends 81 (Summer 2006), 24-34. Available on line, . Their footnotes will lead you to other Canadian statistics on divorce

[2] If there is severe verbal abuse, sexual abuse, or physical violence in your relationship, or if your children are witnessing violence or suffering abuse, do not read this article. Take appropriate steps to protect your children and yourself. Remove your children and yourself if necessary. Call a distress centre or a shelter (inside front cover of your phone book). Or call the police for assistance

[3] For more on emotional intelligence see Daniel Goleman (1995), Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ. New York: Bantam Books

[4] Illustration from McGill University website, thebrain.mcgill.ca

[5] Resulting in the so-called “four horsemen” of divorce, below. See John M. Gottman and Nan Silver (1999), The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (New York: Three Rivers Press), pp. 27-34.

[6] Ibid.

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