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I’ll listen to Your Anger, But, I’m Unwilling

to Stay in the Room with Your Hostility

Expressing Anger vs. Expressing Hostility

[pic] The following exercise is very important to help couples get clear about the difference between expressing anger and expressing hostility. So forFor the next 15 examples of statements one partner makes to the other circle either anger or hostility.

Anger is about expressing what I think and feel.

Hostility is always about hurting, blaming, or shaming the other person.

1. You spend so much time on the computer! You don’t have any time for me.

anger hostility

2. Why do you always have to ask how much something costs when we go to someone else’s house. What are you an appraiser? You sound so tacky and classless. What’s wrong with you?

anger hostility

3. I told you how we're going to handle that bill when it comes. Don't you pay attention to me when I talk? And you say you went to college. I don't know how I ended up with such an idiot?

anger hostility

4. Why do you always have to say something that disagrees with me? You’re so argumentative. Can’t you just let me talk without pointing out what’s wrong with what I’m saying?

anger hostility

5. You’re telling me the pasta was overcooked. Well next time you cook it! You’re always criticizing my meals. Did you say stuff like that to your mother about her meals?

anger hostility

6. It makes me mad when you try to read or watch T.V. while we’re talking. Would you cut it out?

anger hostility

7. You didn’t clean up after yourself when you made your lunch. You’re such a slob. What..... , were you raised in a barn?

anger hostility

8. For the hundredth time, No! I’m not interested in seeing any of those movies with blood and gore. I’m not a sicko like you. Quit asking me! Don’t you understand English?

anger hostility

9. All I said was “My mother thinks you should be more loving to me.” Your reaction to this is crazy. You’re too sensitive. What’s wrong with you?

anger hostility

10. Was that Wendy, your sex-etary, calling you at home again? Doesn’t she know you’re married? Don’t you know you’re married? I can’t live like this any longer!

anger hostility

11. I don’t want to talk about this right now. The tone of your voice disturbs me. It makes me mad. Let us talk about this later. Please stop asking me questions.

anger hostility

12. You haven’t complimented me on how I look tonight. Aren’t you proud of me? Aren’t you attracted to me? You never compliment me anymore.

anger hostility

13. Would you stop bothering me just as soon aswhen I get home? Can’t you wait a few minutes while I relax? No, you have to get your needs met right away. Well, what about me, and my needs?

anger hostility

14. Can’t you just not interrupt me? Every time I talk, you have to get in there and tell me what’s wrong with what I’m saying. Don’t you have any respect?

anger hostility

15. I can’t talk with you because you get so angry and threatening. You won’t let me talk about my side of a story. It makes me so mad!

anger hostility

Answer key: 1- H, 2- H, 3- H, 4- A, 5- A, 6- A, 7- H, 8- H, 9- H, 10- H, 11- A, 12- A, 13- A, 14- A, 15- A (These are somewhat arbitrary answers. It’s just helpful to ask yourself the question, “Am I being hurtful?”)

Let us go through each of the 15 statements again to see which of them are expressions of what is felt and which are focused on the other. Expressing a feeling is a statement that is 'About Me.' Let us abbreviate this with AM. Even if the other's behavior is mentioned, a statement is considered 'Aabout Mme' (AM), if it’s clear that the sentence refers to back to the speaker (i.e. “It makes me feel _____.” “It makes me think_____.”)

Expressing a belief or feeling about others is a statement 'About You.' Use AY for short to show that the statement conveys anger, but the person is not saying how it feels. The person is saying something mean or blaming the other. Here is the mask of anger covering up more vulnerable feelings. If only men could learn how to say “Ouch!” This applies to women as well. It’s just that it’s culturally ingrained in men.

Put an AM or an AY next to each of the statements above. Write AM if you think the statement is saying something about how the speaker thinks or feels. Write AY if you think the person is referring to the other person’s thoughts, feelings, or character.

Marc’s subjective answer key: 1- AY, 2- AY, 3- AY, 4- AY, 5- AY, 6- AM, 7- AY, 8- AY, 9- AY, 10- AY, 11- AM, 12- AY, 13- AY, 14- AY, 15- AM

If you completed the AY/ AM (about you / about me) part of this exercise you may notice that many of the statements you identified as being hostile, you later also labeled as AY, or About You (the other). This is because statements made about the other tend to contain all sorts of negative shaming, labeling, mindreading, or simply focuses exclusively on the other. It’s missing the expressive element of saying, “… it makes me think _____ , which makes me feel _____ .” If you speak primarily about the other, do not be surprised that you get defensive, or angry responses. You may think you are expressing yourself. But, you may be simply labeling and defining the other.

It is more productive to make statements that are 'About Me. ' One reason is that no one can argue with you. Who can tell you that you do not feel something; or that you should not think something? While it is ridiculous, many people may indeed try this. It is always violating violates of the other’s mental or emotional boundaries to say theyhe shouldn’t feel something. The other person will hear an angry statement better if the expression is made as an '”I statement.”' There are people who can't tolerate hearing any statement that reflects poorly on them, so it does not matter how you express yourself. They will always try to avoid, deny, minimize, defend, rationalize, justify or blame you, even when you express your anger as an, 'I statement.' It is best, for your own growth, to learn to speak your feelings more expressively using the 'About Me' method. Forget about getting the results of getting him to change or understand you. If you get too focused on the result of getting him to change then you’re more vulnerable to being upset if it doesn’t happen.

Four Organizing Principles for Relationship Growth

1. There is difference between expressing anger and expressing hostility.

2. It is important that you be willing to see that perhaps you are broadcasting hostility and do not know it.

3. Hostile and intimidating language usually involves descriptions of ‘The OTHER.”

4. Angry expressional language usually involve descriptions of “My, thoughts and feelings.”

See this exercise and much more at realhope-for-couples-blog/

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