Howdy Gang, tonight we’ll be discussing technology



Howdy Gang, tonight we’ll be discussing technology. I want to make it clear, before I rant and rave, that I do, in an abstract sense, approve of technology; it makes our lives easier, safer, more fun, more convenient, and more interactive. But there are some wee little articles of technology that, although brilliant in their inception, have since been terribly perverted and turned into hideous wastes of silicon, plastic, and various other materials. Thus, here you will find the ten most terribly perverted, annoying, and disheartening items of commonplace technology in the world today.

1) Computers/The Internet: both of these things have been around for a long time. And they both have great potential—computers can literally be lifesaving devices, and at the very least are tremendously useful in the organization and filing of innumerable meaningless items of the office. The Internet is a tremendous communications tool; we all know that E-mail alone has revolutionized the world, but lets face it, the World Wide Web is really a Global Pornography Network.

2) Phones: I hate it when my home phone rings, dreading that yet another person has come to impinge upon my time and demand that I be polite to them. For that reason, I refuse to own a cell phone. Cell phones breed dependency, as well as a bizarre tendency to think that their wielders are in the least bit interesting. Case in point “Hi honey… yeah… I’m in London Drugs… no, I’m just at the checkstand… I don’t think they sell meat, no… so do you want anything? (he’ll start talking the cashier now, slowly and clearly so that he’s understood, and whilst covering the receiver because ‘honey’ cannot be allowed to hear) DO YOU SELL MEAT?… No, they don’t sell meat… ‘Kay, bye” The world has to hear about his meat issues, and that’s just plain wrong. Therefore, when I detect one in a restaurant, theatre, or even shopping centre, I have a tremendous urge to commit federal offenses of various descriptions. It’s an act of will, I tell you.

3) Clocks: some clocks have alarms, some tick and tock, and all of them slowly count away the minutes of my life. Anything that can make me late, I hate—it’s never my fault.

4) Cosmetic Surgery: a staggeringly brilliant idea in its non-twisted form: restore to victims of diseases/accidents/genetics what was taken from them, and what plays a tragically large part in our social organization. In reality, however, we are condoning the Michael Jackson Facial Tragedy, the unnecessary installation of floatation devices into the chests of various celebrities, and an ironically-named nose procedure.

5) Lasers: again, a thing that seems like an idea of singular brilliance, lasers are everything from terrifying weapons, a thing we all love to hear about, to pretty colours to entirely new kinds of tools to communication devices. However, all of that was debased with the introduction of the laser pointer. Now, every single solitary movie one attends is a crapshoot: will there or won’t there be some moron with one thinking he’s doing a public service in highlighting the various bits of anatomy inherent in some starlet or another.

6) Television: if left unperverted, we get the nine o’ clock news, The Simpsons, hell, even Friends. In reality, there is airtime for Jackass.

7) Discmen: another great idea gone horribly annoying. I love mine as much as anyone else, but here’s the thing: I have headphones that I can hear. Not you. Me. So should everyone else; that way I’ll never, ever have to hear Tipsy ever again. Tipsy alone is responsible for making discmen evil.

8) Furbies, Tickle-me-Elmo, Singing Barney, and the Rest of That Whole Evil Breed: This is cheating, really, because they’re technology that comes pre-perverted, not something that had to be changed, so it should be “Some Servos, Electronic Components, Sensors, and Plush,” but that makes no sense. I have a three-year-old brother, so I live with these things, and I think that they’re trying to kill me. Evil, annoying, and willing to break into extremely loud song for no better reason than a mosquito fart.

9) Snail-Mail: It is no better than E-mail, taking much longer than the electronic equivalent it bears, and having as much spam as the other. This is also how mean people send me bills. In conclusion: Hug a tree.

10) Breathalyzers: Granted, these have a tremendous benefit to society, keeping drunks off the road and out of my life (unless I go visit Uncle George). But they can be perverted into sinister tools of, if not Satan, bulky, officious, surly administration, which is, I say, more eviler. If anyone wants to breathalyze your dance, especially grad (and thus disallow limo-champagne), tell them that they’re perverting the technology. Then kick them in the shin.

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