Etiquette - masslive



Preface

This little book tackles a big topic: etiquette. Etiquette—a fancy name for manners—is a set of rules for behavior and interaction. It’s what your parents always nag you about: Say please. Don’t talk with your mouth full. Write thank you notes. Genuflect in front of your teacher.

Rules of etiquette differ wherever you go. What seems polite to one person seems rude to another. Reading this book will not fix that problem, even if you memorize and apply everything in its pages. This book can, however, help you understand basic manners and the common sense behind them.

The classic books of etiquette are many hundreds of pages long. There are even weekly newspaper columns and entire websites devoted to manners. Have you ever wondered what to do if your grandmother snores in church? Or whether it is rude to practice singing opera while others are within earshot? You might find the answers to such questions in those resources—not here.

Here you will simply learn tips for situations you encounter all the time. You will also discover that etiquette isn’t completely random; it derives from basic human emotions like compassion and respect. This book even tries to show that, even if you break every rule of etiquette, what ultimately matters to people is what’s in your heart.

Introduction

This book contains eighteen simple tips. Read them all now if you like. We’ll discuss one every other week or so. The first three are cardinal rules for young adolescents in any social situation. The next three rules are about polite conversation. The subsequent six tips describe specific social scenarios and tell you how to navigate them skillfully. The final six tips explore character traits that, if you possess them, will make up for almost any mistake in etiquette.

As an emerging teenager, you will find that rudeness is sometimes expected of you. Teenagers have a horrible reputation when it comes to manners. You may even find that rudeness will bring you fleeting popularity among peers, but decent manners will result in meaningful relationships and lasting success.

As an adult, you’ll find that the job applicant who can shake a hand and look someone in the eye will always get the job over someone who absentmindedly picks out earwax during an interview. You’ll also find that people would rather befriend a pleasant and supportive person than a bitter and inconsiderate person. I hope you’ll also conclude that it just feels better to be polite than rude.

Etiquette is easier and more important than you might think. It boils down to noticing and caring about yourself and other people. What more could we ask of each other?

Section 1:

CARDINAL RULES

Rule 1: Be aware of yourself.

Socrates said Know thyself. His dictum relates to manners. If you are oblivious to your public presentation, you will find yourself mysteriously offending and repelling people. (Think of the job applicant with a finger in his ear.)

This is not to say that you need to police your every action or continuously obsess about your appearance. Simply be aware of how your movements, expressions, and words impact the people around you.

For instance, notice if you are blocking someone in the hall, notice if your jokes might be interpreted as insults, notice if you have spaghetti sauce all over your shirt, notice if you walk into a happy room and spit venom, notice if you are loudly drumming your fingers, and notice if your books take up the whole table.

But also notice if your smile makes someone’s day, if your comments defuse a conflict, if you’ve automatically made room for someone at the lockers, if you sit up straight, or if you tell the truth when a lie would be more convenient.

Notice and be proud of yourself. Noticing and caring about others will follow naturally and that’s really what etiquette is all about.

Rule 2: Acknowledge people.

Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name and they’re always glad you came. So began the famous theme song to Cheers, a long running television show.

It’s true, too. It feels good to walk into a room and get greeted. It feels even better when someone calls you by name, puts a hand on your shoulder, and looks genuinely happy to see you.

Acknowledge people. Use their names; look them in the eye. In formal settings, shake their hands. In intimate settings, give a hug or a pat on the shoulder.

Etiquette has been blamed for making people icy and unemotional. Consider, for example, the stereotypical manners-obsessed rich lady in English literature. This lady would only acknowledge you by looking down her nose at you. People obsessed with old-fashioned manners can be no fun at all, but modern manners actually break the ice. They show that you notice and care about the people around you.

The word etiquette originally meant ‘ticket,’ so think of acknowledging and greeting people as your ticket to a satisfying social life. If you use that ticket, people will open up and give back to you.

Rule 3: Treat boys and girls like people.

Boys and girls are not the same. You may have noticed this. Our culture goes to great lengths to emphasize and even exaggerate the fact. We assign pink to girls and blue to boys, braids to girls and buzz cuts to boys.

Movies and advertisements give us images of what they think is the ideal man and the ideal woman—very different images, if you hadn’t noticed. Bestselling books give tips for males trying to understand females and females trying to understand males. Our culture is downright obsessed with the difference between genders.

Think what you will about boys and girls—and, believe me, as an adolescent you’ll think about it a lot—but follow one final cardinal rule of etiquette: Treat boys and girls like people.

Don’t underestimate the athletic prowess of girls. Don’t assume boys are socially immature. Don’t freak out if you find yourself in a conversation with a member of the other gender. And don’t have a spaz attack just because someone thinks someone is cute.

One of the biggest challenges for teenagers is interacting sanely with members of the opposite sex. If you can handle this challenge, you’ll find adolescence a zillion times easier. And you’ll be considered more polite.

Section 2:

CONVERSATION

Rule 4: Pay attention to boundaries.

Have you ever noticed that sometimes you’ll let your parents get very close to you, while other times you want them to keep their distance? Your boundaries move depending on your emotions..

Boundaries are tricky. Pay attention to them. Boundaries are the lines polite people don’t cross, and they don’t always stay in the same place. We have to look out for them, though.

Start with some easy ones: You shouldn’t tell your principal to go fetch something for you; you shouldn’t talk about your digestive problems at a fancy dinner; and you shouldn’t borrow someone’s toothbrush when they aren’t looking. These are boundaries you probably already know not to cross.

Trickier, though, is to know, when in a conversation, how close to stand, how open to be, what topics to avoid, and when to let the interaction end.

Have you ever stood around waiting for your parents to finish saying goodbye to someone? They never seem to know how to find the boundary between a conversation that is just the right length and one that is too long. Even adults fumble with these things.

The key is to pay attention to the clues. If someone flinches when you touch his shoulders, he might have a strong physical boundary. If someone has stopped contributing to a conversation, she might be ready for it to end. If your teacher suddenly stops laughing at your jokes, you may have told one joke too many.

Pay attention also to the boundaries you draw. Do you discourage people from approaching you? Have you created an exclusive clique? In these cases your boundaries might be a little tight. If you always talk to strangers or often tell other people’s secrets, your boundaries might be a little too loose.

We all have boundaries, and they grow or shrink depending on our mood and company. Good manners require an awareness of these invisible lines around ourselves and others.

Rule 5: Obey the traffic laws of conversation.

There’s a difference between playing bumper cars and driving to the store. Bumper cars is fun… for a while. Imagine, though, if regular traffic worked like that. It might be cool at first but then it would get really annoying.

Young children’s conversations resemble bumper cars. Little kids just say whatever pops into their heads. That’s why one kindergartener will walk up to another and say, “I have soccer practice tonight. We get oranges.”

And the second one might respond, “Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom! My mommy said my tooth is loose.”

Adolescents still enjoy the occasional bumper car conversation, but they also enjoy the kind of conversations in which thoughts can be exchanged and discussed. Etiquette has a few tips for this kind of conversation. Think of them as traffic laws.

Listen. We speak to be heard, so really listen to what your companions say. Show that you are listening: make eye contact, nod, ask questions, and respond.

Interrupt carefully. Some people hate getting interrupted; others assume interruption is a normal part of conversation. The same thing happens in automobile traffic. Some people let cars cut in front of them; some don’t. So if you start speaking before your companion’s sentence is finished, pay attention to the result. Did it harm the conversation or not?

Leave space. Don’t hog the road. Leave some space for your companions. Teachers are taught to wait for three seconds between asking a question and calling on someone. This gives everybody a chance to think of an answer and raise a hand. Teachers are also taught to wait three seconds after a student’s answer so that the words can sink in for everyone. Try something similar in conversation. You might be surprised by what fills the space you leave open.

Don’t relate everything to yourself. Conversations are about trading ideas and stories. Talking about yourself is normal; go ahead and do it. Just don’t turn every discussion into one about you. If someone starts to tell a story about their dance class, don’t interrupt them midsentence and say, “Dance class? I took dance lessons once. I remember my teacher was so funny…” and so on.)

A good conversation is better than any book, movie, or game. Following a few rules of the road will improve your conversations immeasurably.

Rule 6: Approximate proper sentences.

OK. If you’re talking and—I don’t know—when you talk have you ever noticed that your words don’t make like real sentences and if you, like wrote down, or recorded I mean, and wrote down exactly how you said what you said… then it would be all messed up and nobody would know what you meant and it would look or it would sound really stupid? Um, yeah.

I think that, like, if you approximate (that means get close to) proper good sentences when you talk, you’ll sound way smarter and people will know what you’re talking about and that’s just one thing to aim for because people think it’s polite to talk so that you could actually write it like a sentence with commas and stuff.

Section 3:

SCENARIOS

Scenario 1: Playing sports.

Good etiquette on the field or court can include some funny things: chasing, stealing, and in some cases tackling. It excludes, however, cheating, insulting, and getting overly physical. An athlete with manners will include all teammates in plays, will cheer good moves on both teams, and will accept referee calls. At recess, etiquette dictates a relaxed approach to contested calls, teammate’s mistakes, and the exact score.

Don’t be the oaf who yells at kids who miss shots, who quits if dissatisfied with team composition, or bends the rules for his own benefit. Games are for fun, so have some. Play hard, compete, cooperate, and be considerate.

Scenario 2: Eating at a restaurant.

Many important impressions are made at meals. First dates, job interviews, and business deals often happen during lunch or dinner, and chewing with your mouth open could kill the mood in any of these situations. The rules differ somewhat depending on where you are eating. McDonald’s is less formal than a fancy restaurant, and school lunch is less formal than a family dinner. Here are some tips to guide you in your various dining experiences:

When eating anywhere where other people can see or hear you:

1. Take reasonably sized bites and chew with your mouth closed.

2. Don’t make loud smacking or slurping noises.

3. Swallow before cramming in more food.

4. Swallow before speaking.

5. Place bones, shells, cobs, or other waste in a designated dish or arrange inconspicuously on your plate.

6. Keep your elbows out of other diners’ space.

7. Say, “Excuse me,” and push your chair in if leaving during a meal.

When eating in a home:

1. Compliment the cook before and after the meal.

2. Pass food to the right. Wait until it comes all the way back to you before taking your serving.

3. Leave enough in serving dishes for everybody to have the same number of servings as you. Ask everybody’s permission if you are taking the last bits from a dish.

4. Notice if somebody is out of water, rolls, or anything else near you. Offer to pass the item.

5. Don’t let serving utensils touch your plate or your utensils touch a serving dish. Some exceptions exist. For instance, you can use your clean knife to take butter from a dish if you scrape the butter onto your plate and take what you will need for the whole meal.

When eating at a nice restaurant:

1. Unfold your napkin, fold it in half in a rectangle or triangle, and place it on your lap. Do not use the napkin to wipe your nose. If you leave the table during the meal, place it on your chair before you push the chair in. As you stand to leave for good, place the loosely folded napkin on the table in front of your chair.

2. Use your silverware from the outside in. If you have two forks, the one on the far left is for your salad. The inside one is for your entrée. If you have two spoons, the one on the far right is for your soup. If there are utensils above your plate, use them for dessert only.

3. Silverware, once used, should never touch the tablecloth. It should be placed on the dish you are eating from. When you are done with a course, lay the silverware for that course neatly across the dish. Convention says to treat your dish as a clock and make the silverware the hands of the clock. The time should read 4:20.

4. There may be unused upside down or empty wine glasses or coffee cups at your place setting. Leave them alone. The wait staff will take them at some point during the meal.

5. Take in your hands or silverware to your mouth only one or two bites at a time.

6. Chopsticks should never be left sticking out of rice. This is considered rude by cultures that use chopsticks.

7. Condiments should be used in reasonable proportion. Don’t drown your food in more sauce or syrup than you will ever eat.

8. Acknowledge your wait staff. Move slightly out of the way when they come to take or deliver things. Thank them, even if only quietly or with eye contact and a nod. Don’t make extra work for them by making a mess. Don’t talk to them like servants, either. That’s a good way to get your food delayed or tampered with.

9. Pace yourself. You want to finish each course at about the same time as your companions.

Scenario 3: Talking on the telephone.

As with dining etiquette, telephone etiquette varies according to situation. You speak casually with your best friend, politely with your grandparents, and formally with strangers.

When calling people other than your best friends, be sure to introduce yourself, to speak clearly, and to listen carefully.

When calling a stranger, open by giving your name and the reason you are calling. Conclude by thanking the person for their time and agreeing on the time and agenda for any future conversations.

If you call someone for information, have pen and paper on hand. Jot down key points. You might also use the paper to script out in advance your greeting and questions.

Be aware of people’s status. Very busy or important people can only be expected to spend a few moments on the phone with you.

Have a plan for leaving a message if you get a machine, voice mail, or a receptionist. You can script messages in advance. They should include your name, number, and reason for calling, as well a plan for a next attempt at contact. Usually you should take on the responsibility for calling again. You can ask in your message when a good time to call would be and even suggest a time when you can definitely be reached.

Scenario 3: Getting hot lunch.

Not everybody gets hot lunch, but lunch line manners apply to interactions with any service employee—be it a cashier, salesperson, or a security guard. Young people are often unconscionably rude to service employees. They treat them like servants not worthy of respect or notice. Do not do this. Be appreciative and polite.

In the lunch line, maintain some semblance of a straight line. Keep your voices low so that Bonnie can think. Smile and thank her. If you have a special request, frame it in a way that does not sound like you think her food is disgusting. “No sauce today, please,” is better than, “Yucky. No sauce.”

Scenario 4: Interacting with adults.

You have contact with adults every day. They are human beings, like you, but they sometimes seem like visitors from another planet. Adults, for instance, like awful music and dress ridiculously. They are also far more attached to manners than kids. Expect any adult to expect you to observe the rules of etiquette.

A good rule of thumb when interacting with adults is to take on a more formal air than you would among your friends. This doesn’t mean that you need to say Sir and Madam or speak in a fake British accent, but it does mean that you should answer questions clearly, assume good posture, and, in most cases, do what they ask you to do.

Feel free to express your opinions to adults, though. Most will respond politely to anything said politely.

If a stranger approaches you, maintain your boundaries. If he seems weird, it is in no way impolite to ignore or walk away from him. If the stranger is safe—your waiter, an elderly lady, or someone touring the school, for instance—feel free to make a little small talk and then go on your way.

Treat elderly adults like other adults, except be a little more polite. Don’t use too much slang—they won’t understand you—but don’t treat them like they are deaf and stupid. Elderly people love to talk. Listen to them. They are also more open to showing affection. Don’t be surprised if they tell you how wonderful you are or pat you on the shoulder.

Scenario 5: Interacting with young children.

Don’t treat young children like babies. They can communicate with you like a peer. In fact, they probably think of you as a friend, not a mommy. Listen, ask questions, squat to their level, but make it all seem natural. They will catch on if you adopt a patronizing tone. They’ll either close up or start acting like babies.

Young children enjoy very simple and repetitive games. Depending on your temperament, these games can get old pretty quickly. If you are sick, after the hundredth time, of calling out an estimate of how far a child pretending to be a kangaroo jumped, simply say that you are tired of the game. Suggest a new game or say that you are going to play with your other friends for a while.

You can have a big impact on young children. They look up to and emulate you. You are a model for them of what a person should grow up to be like. Encourage them to develop all the manners, confidence, and ability we wish everyone had.

Section 4:

DISPLAYING CHARACTER

You may have noticed that you are two thirds through this book and still don’t know a quarter of all there is to know about etiquette. You don’t know when it is OK to call people by their first names, how to politely tell someone his toupee is falling off, or what to do if somebody finds out you gossiped about her. Bigger books on etiquette explain the protocol for these and other scenarios. This is a little book, though, and is quickly running out of pages. It will conclude by describing six traits that can guide you safely through any problem of manners, no matter your mastery of the rules of etiquette.

Trait 1: Empathy.

An empathic person notices and feels the feelings of others. If you notice, relate to, and care about the feelings of others, you can avoid blunders in etiquette. You’ll know what might hurt a person’s feelings and people will be less likely to get offended by you. They will know that you care about them.

Trait 2: Integrity.

People with integrity do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do. They have a strong moral sense and try not to do what is wrong, lazy, or mean. If you radiate integrity, people will rarely second guess or criticize you. They know that anything you do is done with pure intentions.

Trait 3: Honesty.

An honest person speaks the truth. Nothing hurts a relationship more than a lie. If you often stretch the truth or tell bald-faced lies, people will feel icky about you. It will make it ten times harder for them to interact with you. Telling the truth as a matter of habit is a sign to everyone that you are considerate and well-intentioned.

Trait 4: Trustworthiness.

Trustworthiness is a more general term than honesty. To be worthy of others’ trust, you must do more than just tell the truth. People have to be able to count on you. Your mother has to know that you won’t light fires when she is not looking. Your friends have to know you won’t spread rumors about them. Your classmates have to know that you won’t steal their stuff. Your teacher has to know that you will stay on task when he runs to the bathroom.

It is polite to be trustworthy. It shows that you value other people.

Trait 5: Respect.

Etiquette is a map of respectful behavior. It explains what you ought to do if you respect yourself and the people around you. Etiquette has an element of arbitrariness, though. In some countries it is considered disrespectful to slurp your noodles, in others it is disrespectful not to. Respect, though, is a driving force behind etiquette. The desire to give and get respect inspires us to make up and follow these rules. Every rule of etiquette is, at its root, a way to prove that you respect those around you.

There will always be some people you respect more than others. You will look up to some, treasure others, and even dislike some. There should be nobody, though, for whom you have absolutely no respect. We are all human beings, flaws and all, and we all deserve to be accorded dignity and treated respectfully.

Trait 6: Forgiveness

The highest form of etiquette is to cut people slack. Do not make a big deal if they break a rule of polite behavior. Cultivate a thick skin; don’t take it terribly personally if someone says something critical about you. Forgive people for their faults and trespasses. And while you’re at it, cut yourself some slack, too. The world won’t end if you make a mistake.

Cutting slack is what keeps etiquette from becoming an oppressive set of rules, a system that makes us act like scared robots. Slack-cutting allows us to try our best and to treat each other with care.

Conclusion

Etiquette is more than just a bunch of silly rules. It’s a flexible system of indications that we care about ourselves and each other.

We need signs of that caring, or else our world becomes mean and hollow.

So, the next time somebody asks you to mind your manners, remember that what they really want you to do is care.

Manners we can live without, but caring is what makes our lives valuable.

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