The Boating Party - Texas A&M University at Galveston
The Boating Party
A One Act Play
By
William Merrell
Early Version of Strand Street Theatre Performance
©Copyright 2001 William Merrell
Setting
Center and right stage is a rustic bar on the Texas Coast. Decor is predominately ships’ artifacts and fishing gear. Center stage is dominated by a wooden bar. Behind the bar is a large reproduction of Renoir’s “The Boating Party”. A door leads to a “back area”.
To the right and front of the bar are two old tables, each with chairs. Far right stage is the base of a pier that “extends” offstage. On the wall is a Texas Maritime flag. On the bar is a large glass jar half-filled with dollar bills. Under the jar is a sign “Take what you need, replace if you can.” Nearby is a sign “Beer $1”.
Left stage or above the bar is a small “radio office” enclosure — a table and chairs with microphones, a turntable, tape deck, etc. It is clearly a place separate from the bar.
Characters
Doc Cannon — Retired Texas Maritime Academy professor who owns and runs the bar.
Hope Cannon — Student at the Texas Maritime Academy and Doc’s daughter.
Beth Barnes — Professor at Texas Maritime and Doc’s longtime girlfriend.
Billy — Hope’s boyfriend, a stud muffin and red neck shrimper.
Percival Lancelot ‘Squirrelly’ Hurley — Professor and the DJ, announcer, etc. of the Texas Maritime Academy’s local radio station.
Fred — Texas Maritime student and Meredith’s boyfriend.
(Note: Fred can be eliminated. His lines read by Meredith)
Meredith — Texas Maritime student and Fred’s girlfriend.
Heather — Texas Maritime student and new corps commandant.
Kim — Texas Maritime student and son of Vietnamese “boat people”.
Chief Bubba Purvis — Chief of Police of the Texas Maritime Academy.
Elwood Hoodwink III — Attorney with Seitz, Schmalz, Schwarz, and Klein
(Note: Seitz, Schmalz, Schwarz, and Klein are Texas A&M University at Galveston faculty. The name of the law firm would change for performances outside of Galveston.)
Dr. Spinbender — Member of and spokesman for the executive team
2 — KKK Bad guys.
The Ghost of Constance Cannon — Doc’s wife (deceased) and Hope’s mother.
ACT 1 - SCENE 1
Lights come on in the bar area; the radio office is dark.
It’s 6:00p.m. A birthday party is winding down. Mostly eaten cake and unwrapped presents are on the bar. Doc, Hope, Beth, Billy and four students (Heather, Fred, Meredith, and Kim) are present. The four students leave, waving good-bye.
Students: Happy Birthday, Hope. Great party.
Hope: Thanks for coming and for the presents.
Billy takes Hope’s hand and walks toward the “door”.
Billy: Happy Birthday, Sweetheart. Many happy returns.
Hope: Thanks, Billy. And thanks so much for the necklace, it’s beautiful.
Billy: Not as beautiful as you. Sorry I have to go; but I’ve got to be on the shrimping grounds by nightfall.
Hope: I understand. Be careful.
They hug, a brief kiss, and he leaves.
Beth: Hope, you’re the one who had better be careful. Both the boy and the necklace look pretty serious.
Hope smiles and places her hand on her necklace.
Beth: Time for me to go, too. I could use a little sleep. Finals start in the morning and I need to see if I’ve been able to teach the King’s English to those sometimes hardheaded Maritime students. Happy Birthday, Hope. Bye, Doc.
Hope walks her toward the door. Doc doesn’t move.
Hope: Thanks for the present. You always seem to know exactly what I need.
Beth: You’re welcome. Give me a hug.
They hug briefly.
Doc: (weakly) Bye, Beth.
Beth smiles at Hope, looks at Doc, hesitates as if she were going to speak to him but instead leaves.
Hope: Dad, are you and Beth having problems?
Doc: (nodding) I’m the problem. She doesn’t understand why I don’t want to get married. But, let’s not get started on that subject.
Doc reaches behind the bar and pulls out a large briefcase.
Doc: Sweetheart, there is something that we have to talk about today. I guess it’s time. I heard Billy call you Sweetheart tonight. You know that’s what I’ve called you for the last 21 years. I’ll need to learn to share.
Hope walks over and hugs her dad. They sit at one of the tables. Doc places the briefcase on top of the table.
Doc: I made a promise to your mother that I’d wait until your 21st birthday to tell you about her will. Just before Connie died she set up a trust for you. I was designated as the administrator while you were growing up; but, as of today, it’s all yours.
Hope: Dad! Why didn’t you use the money? I wouldn’t have cared.
Doc: Don’t worry. I also have a trust. Mine is a little smaller though. I’ve been using the earnings to do a few things around here that needed doing — like buying some wetlands and…
Hope: You’ve been helping that mysterious environmental trust buy land?
Doc: Sweetheart, you don’t understand. I am that trust — and the historic preservation trust — and the early education for children program — plus a few others.
Hope: But, they’ve spent millions.
Doc: Yes I have. The environmental trust alone has spent thirty-two million, seven hundred thirty-two thousand, four hundred sixty- three dollars and thirty-two cents. At least that’s what my attorneys at Seitz, Schmalz, Schwarz, and Klein claim on my latest statement.
Hope looks doubtful. Doc removes a large stack of papers from his briefcase.
Doc: This is the latest statement on your trust. These are the stocks and bonds.
He hands her about two thirds of the stack.
Doc: They’re valued as of close of business Friday. These are the real estate and oil holdings.
He hands her the rest of the stack.
Doc: They’re valued at cost. Most have appreciated significantly, so the total here underestimates…
Hope: Dad, you’re not serious!
Doc: … the worth of your trust; but its book value as of Friday was just over two hundred and thirty-two million dollars.
Hope: Stop!
Doc and Hope stare at each other.
Hope (subdued): You are serious.
Doc: Yes I am. We also own two properties together — this bar and that old house we live in.
Hope: Dad, I can’t take any more. You’re turning my world upside down.
Hope stands up.
Doc: Sorry for that, Sweetheart; but I did make a solemn promise to your Mom.
Doc gestures for Hope to sit down.
Doc: Now, for the hard part. I haven’t told you much about Connie — about your mom — except how much she loved you and that she was sweet, kind, gentle, beautiful…
Doc takes a deep breath and composes himself.
Doc: Well, it’s all true. But you also need to know about your Mom’s last days and her dreams and hopes for you. Her hopes for you – I guess that’s why we named you Hope. She would be proud to see what a fine person you turned out to be. All of her hopes for you have been realized.
But a little over twenty-one years ago, our hope was simply that you would come into this world alive. When your Mom was six months pregnant, we found out that she had cancer. The prognosis wasn’t good. And she made the decision to refuse treatment because she was afraid she might lose you.
Somehow, Connie got it in her head that she wanted to see the great paintings of Europe before she died. Your Mom was very fond of the impressionists, especially Renoir.
Hope gets up and stares at ‘The Boating Party”. Doc looks at her but continues talking.
Doc: I argued against the trip. But, as always, her will was the stronger. We traveled as far as the East Coast where she took a turn for the worse. I checked her into Columbia Women’s Hospital, a wonderful hospital in Washington, D.C. She got better, but the doctors said that she couldn’t travel.
Hope comes back to the table.
Doc: So, I took her to see every piece of impressionist art in Washington. The Boating Party was her favorite. It was at the Phillips’ Collection. Everyday I would get her into her wheelchair and we would go over to see that painting. She didn’t say much but she could sit for hours — holding my hand — staring at “The Boating Party”.
Then you arrived. Connie was so happy, but in bad shape. She could hardly move but when I brought you into the room, her eyes sparkled. One day, when you were taking a nap, Connie sat up and started yanking her tubes and monitors off. When I tried to stop her, she grabbed my arm and pulled me to her. She hugged me with an intensity that still scares me. Then she made me promise to raise you right and that I wouldn’t tell you that we had money until you were twenty-one.
Connie grew up rich, but didn’t have a very happy childhood. She thought that too much money corrupted young people. It was certainly true in her family, except, of course, for her.
Doc hesitates. His eyes drop.
Doc: She died that night. I swore to myself that I would never marry again. I buried Connie and brought you back to Texas. I was shocked at the amount of money in her will.
The only change that I made in my life was to quit my job teaching at Texas Maritime and open this bar. This place has never done that well. In fact, I give needy students more out of the honor jar than the place brings in. But it’s been a good excuse for me to spend a lot of time with you.
Lately, Connie’s money, I mean our money has been a burden on me. I have tried to use it for good; but I worry that I should have spent more on you. I guess your Mom knew best.
Doc hesitates and looks at Hope who has tears.
Doc: You really have turned out well.
Hope: Daddy, I love you.
Doc puts the papers back in the briefcase and places the briefcase behind the bar.
Doc: Sweetheart, let’s feed the osprey and head on home.
As they move out on the pier, Doc flips a switch on the wall.
Doc: Birthday Party’s over, we might as well turn on the Texas Maritime station again.
Hope: Dad, why do you enjoy listening to that weird station so much?
Doc: Just like to keep up with what’s going on….
Hope walks ahead. Doc smiles, makes a “gun” with his hand and points it at the speaker horn.
Doc: Zap
As Doc leaves, the speaker horn comes to life with dated rock and roll music; the bar darkens.
ACT 1 - SCENE 2
Lights come on in the radio shack. In the radio shack, playing the music and dancing wildly is Squirrelly Hurley — the DJ, announcer, etc. of the Texas Maritime Academy radio station. — Call letters — KRUD
The music winds down. Still gesturing wildly Hurley begins the news. Hurley cannot simply read the news but instead must either act out the news or give strong “body language” approval or disgust at what he is reading.
Hurley: The Zapper has struck again! Right here, in the sacred halls of the Academy. Flyers, signed by the Zapper, have been posted all over campus. They document the deplorable use of Maraschino Cherries in the student and faculty dining halls. The Zap Man points out the numerous problems with red dye and artificial flavor. But his most shocking revelation is that the pickled cherries never, I repeat never, pass from the digestive system. Instead, the foul fruit forms fermenting pockets in the lower digestive tract. These unfortunate growths are commonly referred to as Butt Nuggets.
Hurley examines his backside. Spinbender walks in. But remains in the back of the room.
Hurley: The campus administration responded quickly with a twelve-page, single-spaced memo from the executive team. In it, they contend that the Maraschino Cherry is a nutritious fruit of exceptional taste that stores well without refrigeration. When asked about Butt Nuggets, the executive team admitted they all suffered from them but that they were caused by other unspecified activities.
Hurley makes loud sucking sounds looking at Spinbender.
Hurley: On a related matter, the Zapper’s missive from last week documenting the sorry state of iceberg lettuce on our campus has drawn sharp response from three parties. The students, in total approval, have formed S.A.I.L. — Sail — Students Against Iceberg Lettuce — and vowed never to eat that brown slimy, scum-infested crap again. Not to be outdone, the faculty senate, after only four hours of debate, formed F.A.I.L. — Fail — Faculty Against Iceberg Lettuce. The vote was 2 to 1 with 52 abstentions.
On the other hand, the executive team announced that they would ban S.A.I.L. and F.A.I.L. from the campus. Tomorrow, in an active demonstration of their leadership, the e-team will lunch in the student dining room and each consume, and I quote, “an entire head of delicious, nutritious iceberg lettuce”.
In other action, the team voted unanimously to change our leader’s title from Admiral to (Hurley lets out a loud Duh-daa) CMO and Admiral; CMO, of course, stands for Chief of Maritime Operations. In an exclusive interview with this announcer, CMO and Admiral Waffle stated, and I quote, “Admirals come and go; but there is only one CMO”.
Finally, the executive team agreed to continue to ban faculty and students from the swimming pool. This is so the Ladies Auxiliary Swim Team, led by CMO and Admiral Waffle’s wife, Cherry, can practice unimpeded by splashing or other annoying behavior. As always, the vote was unanimous.
Lights out Texas Maritime. This is Radio K — R — U — D —KRUD! — Signing off. Let me leave you with the KRUD thought for the day. ‘There are more horses asses than there are horses.’ Tune in tomorrow at 1616AM. Put KRUD in your life.
Spinbender walks over to Hurley.
Hurley: A member of the executive team. What’s up, Spinbender?
Spinbender: That’s Doctor Spinbender to you Professor Hurley. I simply came to report that the e-team voted to remove all funding from the campus radio station and reassign station employees. We warned you time and again that your accurate reporting was making us look stupid.
Hurley: You can withhold the funding and move the staff. But you can’t shut down the station. The license is with the governor.
Spinbender: I’m sure that the governor will agree. He’ll be here later in the week. Meanwhile, you won’t last long without money or staff.
Spinbender leaves. Hurley looks around the small office.
Hurley: We’ll see about that. What the hell! I’ll sleep here.
Radio lights fade to dark.
ACT 1 - SCENE 3
For a short time, the entire stage is dark with the sounds of the Texas coast filling the stage. Lights slowly intensify showing the bar area. It has been straightened with all traces of the birthday celebration removed. A pot of coffee sits on the bar.
Hope enters and pours a cup of coffee. She moves to the door behind the bar and opens it.
Hope: Dad, are you here?
No answer.
Hope: That’s funny. His truck’s here and the coffee’s made.
She looks “out”.
Hope: He must be up on campus. That’s strange this early in the morning.
The radio blares and lights go on at the radio shack. Hurley is wearing pajamas, robe and slippers. Lights in bar area stay on. Hope is busy, preparing the bar for opening, as she listens to the radio.
Hurley: Texas Maritime, rise and shine with the KRUD thought for the day. ‘Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.’ Next, a KRUD special report. In a marathon session lasting well into the night, the executive team voted to form two new campus organizations F.O.I.L. — Foil — Friends of Iceberg Lettuce — and A.U.F.I.L — Aufil — Administrators United for Iceberg Lettuce.
Although encouraging all right thinking people to join FOIL, they limit membership in AUFIL to; you guessed it, themselves. AUFIL’s first official meeting will be at noon today when the e-team lunches on their heads of lettuce. In addition, CMO and Admiral Waffle announced that he will consume no less than 100 Maraschino Cherries for dessert. Waffle further stated that this action proves once and for all time that the Zapper is always wrong. Reminded that the Zapper was correct last month in his assertion that there were toxic wastes on campus, the CMO and Admiral responded, “Lucky guess”.
In other actions, the executive team voted unanimously to sponsor a Ladies Auxiliary synchronized swimming exhibition by moving funds from the library to special events. This delightful town and gown event will take place at 1:00 P.M., right after lunch. The executive team and townspeople will occupy the temporary grandstands being constructed for the event. Faculty and students will be allowed to use standing room outside the fence.
Now for the country music hour. Our first song is dedicated to CMO and Admiral Waffle, from, of all people, the Zapper. Here’s the country classic “Your Wife Is Cheating On Us Again”.
The phone rings immediately. Hurley answers.
Hurley: (On the phone) Yes, I have tenure…
Radio shack goes silent and dark. Four students (Heather, Fred, Meredith, and Kim) join Hope in the bar area.
Fred: Hope, congratulate Heather. She’s the new student Corps Commander.
Hope: Go girl. It’s about time we had a female commandant.
Kim: Heather, it will be a real honor to be your Executive Officer.
Heather: Thanks, one and all. I am looking forward to next year.
Meredith: So much for academics. The important question is “Who’s your date for the Senior Gala?”
Heather: (With a smile) Cadet Commandant Hughes.
Fred: All right! That’s news. Incoming and outgoing Corps Commanders having a date to the Senior Gala. That has to be a first.
Heather: Don’t be too sure. I’ve heard some pretty weird rumors about the days when Texas Maritime only had male students.
All girls giggle.
Meredith: Kim, who are you taking to the Senior Gala?
Kim: I don’t have a date. I might have to captain one of my family’s shrimp boats.
Heather: Come off it, Kim. Your family employs plenty of skippers.
Kim: (Downcast) I am a little shy.
Meredith: But you were voted most popular in the junior class.
Kim: Not that kind of shy. I’m shy about dating. My family…
Billy stomps into the bar — obviously angry.
Billy: Damn the Coast Guard.
Hope: Billy, what’s the problem?
Billy: The Coast Guard’s the problem. We’d just reached the shrimping grounds when the Coasties boarded us and decided that the turtle excluders weren’t in our trawls to their imperial satisfaction. Idiots!
Kim: Oh, yes. I know about excluders. My family has modified all of our nets to be sure that the endangered turtles can escape.
Billy: (Glaring at Kim) Don’t you give me a lecture on shrimping. My family has been fishing these grounds for decades.
Kim: But it’s important to protect the environment and endangered species.
Billy: I’ll tell you who’s the endangered species. It’s the American shrimper. Fishing regulations are bad enough. Now you foreigners come in, live on your bloody boats so you can save enough to buy a whole damn fleet and run real Americans right out of business. Who are you to be in this country and messin’ up my life?
Kim: But, this is my country.
Billy: No it isn’t. It’s mine. And it was a great country before your kind came here.
Hope moves between them.
Kim: My kind?
Hope turns toward Billy
Hope: Billy, I know you’re upset. But your problems with the Coast Guard aren’t being caused by Kim or by any of the fishing families from Vietnam. And, what difference does it make that our great grandfathers came to this country and Kim’s parents did? We’re all American citizens.
Billy: Oh, great. Now you’re taking his side. Nothing I do is ever good enough for you. That does it. We’re through.
Billy storms out.
Meredith: Who was that masked man?
Kim: Billy’s just mad at the world. He’s been at sea all night with nothing to show for it.
Hope: No, what he said is just plain wrong. If he really feels that way, we are through.
Meredith: But you can’t break up now. It’s only two days until the Senior Gala.
Hope: Meredith, is partying all you ever think about?
Meredith: Well, I did grow up in Galveston.
Hope: But, you are right about the Gala. It’s my senior year. I was looking forward to going; but I don’t want to go alone.
Fred points at Hope and pushes Kim towards her.
Kim: Ah, Hope. I, ah, was thinking that, perhaps it would be, ah, possible that you might go to the Gala and, ah, I could also go to the Gala, ah, maybe together.
Hope: Huh?
Meredith: Hope, Kim just offered to take you to the Gala.
Hope: (To Kim) You did?
Kim nods, unable to speak.
Hope: Sure, why not. We’re good friends and we’ll have fun.
As the students file out, bar lights fade.
ACT 1 - SCENE 4
The radio shack comes to life
Hurley: Students don’t miss the opportunity to lunch with the executive team and view the swimming exhibition. To assure student turn out, the e-team has closed the library and suspended finals from noon to 3:00 p.m. today. In other actions, the executive team censored Professor Beth Barnes for speaking against the library closure and suspension of finals. In comments to this reporter, CMO and Admiral Waffle noted that Barnes was too academic and not a team player.
Now, in yet another exclusive for KRUD, eat your hearts out network news, I have the newly censored Professor Barnes here in the studio.
Barnes walks in tearing up a large piece of paper with a large red A on it.
Hurley: Before we start this exclusive interview, Professor Barnes what is that you are tearing up?
Barnes: That idiot Admiral offered to remove all records of the executive team’s censoring me if I wore this scarlet A — standing for academic — for two weeks. The illiterate fool claimed it was a new form of discipline used by the maritime schools in New England. This adds insult to injury. Waffle has finally gone too far. I’m asking for a special meeting of the Board of Regents to investigate Waffle’s treatment of the students. It should be held the day after tomorrow. All of the Regents will be here for the Senior Gala and Celebrity Crabbing Tournament.
Hurley: Stay tuned, folks. Sounds like news in the making.
Lights out in radio shack.
ACT 1 - SCENE 5
Lights on in bar. It’s evening. Billy and Hope are alone in the bar. Billy has a bouquet of flowers in his hand. Hope is cleaning behind the bar and largely ignoring Billy.
Billy: Hope, talk to me. I said that I was sorry. And you know I’m crazy about you.
Hope: No, Billy. You’re just plain crazy. How could you treat Kim that way.
Billy: I know that I shouldn’t of said what I said. I was wrong. It was my anger talkin’. I’ll tell Kim I’m sorry and I didn’t mean it. But how about us? I know you were looking forward to the Gala.
Hope: I still am. Because I’m going. But not with you.
Billy: Not with me?
Hope: Matter of fact, I’m going with Kim. He didn’t have a date and neither did I after you stormed out. We are good friends.
Billy: Kim. Kim! You got to be kidding me. Man, that hurts.
Billy walks slowly out of the bar carefully placing the flowers on the bar proper. Hope’s eyes follow him but she says nothing. After he leaves, she carefully picks up the flowers and starts to rearrange them. Beth enters.
Beth: Is Billy OK? He seemed in a daze.
Hope: Things have been better on the man front.
Beth: You can say that again. It’s not only a man, but it’s men in general. I’ll probably get fired for taking on the Admiral and his bootlicking minions. But I don’t know what else to do. Sometimes, you have to rage against the rule of old men. Seems like anything they are in charge of gets stuck in time. But the world keeps changing, growing.
Sooner or later some one has to unstick what the old farts created. And that someone gets burned. I’m lucky to only be worried about my job. If I was in China or Chile a few years go, the old men in charge would have locked me up or I’d simply disappear.
Beth pauses, gathers herself.
Beth: Enough whining! Actually, I almost feel sorry for the executive team. They are clueless and running scared, trying desperately to hang on to a world that’s already passed them by.
Hope: Beth, I heard what you did and I’m proud of you. You always told me…
Beth: … to stand up for what you believe in. I did and I will, but I’ve got to admit it sounds better in theory than in practice.
Hope, it’s not my job that I’m really worried about. What really hit me is that, without a job at Texas Maritime, I don’t have an excuse to hang around your Dad anymore.
Beth pauses. The fire she displayed earlier talking about the admiral disappears.
Beth: Hang around for what? I know it’s time to move on. I know he’ll never marry me. But we’re so right for each other. And, Hope, I think I’ll miss you even more than I will him.
Beth tears up and turns her head to hide it from Hope.
Hope: (upset) Oh, Beth I’d miss you so. I can’t imagine not being able to see you.
Hope becomes less upset and gets a small smile on her face.
Hope: (hopefully) Beth, I think Daddy’s changing. He’s really surprised me lately. Yesterday, he told me about my mother and how he had promised her to take care of me. Maybe, now that I’m graduating …
Beth: Oh, Hope. You’re so well named. So full of hope. You’re right. Let’s leave it at maybe. It’s a long sight better than hopeless.
Hope and Beth leave the bar as the lights dim then go out.
ACT 1 - SCENE 6
Lights on in bar. Doc and Billy are in the bar. Billy is drinking, Doc serving.
Billy: Sometimes, I just don’t understand Hope. She seems so complicated. I know that she’s disappointed that I dropped out of Texas Maritime during my senior year. Hope’s so smart and has such a future ahead of her. I just hope I’m part of it.
Doc: If I say so myself, Hope is special, a lot like her Mom. But I wouldn’t spend a whole lot of time trying to figure out Hope. Just love her. As far as I can tell, no man has ever been able to understand the woman he loves. And I’m not sure women do much better.
Doc stops talking directly to Billy and starts to talk to himself.
Doc: But I’m the last to give advice. I sure haven’t done a very good job showing Beth how I feel about her. But a promise is a promise.
Billy: Huh, Doc?
Doc: Nothing, just talking to myself. How’s fishing?
Billy: Not too good. Less and less fish and shrimp and more and more boats. It’s hard being an honest fisherman. But I love being on the water and working with both my hands and my brains. If someone gave me a million dollars, I guess I’d just keep fishing until it was gone.
Doc: Humm. I’d bet that you’re going to be able to fish for quite awhile. Come on. Help me feed the osprey.
Billy follows Doc out on the pier. Back lighting up in pier area. If possible, Doc and Billy are silhouetted against back lighting.
Doc: It’s the only osprey on this part of the coast. I don’t have any idea why she nested so close to the bar. Most of them stay far away from people. She showed up the day I bought the bar, so she’s really getting up there for an osprey. Here you go girl, fresh fish and a Baby Ruth candy bar.
Loud cry of an osprey.
Doc: Listen to her Billy. That’s how you can tell that she’s happy. Isn’t she something!
Billy: I’m glad something’s happy. I worry about Kim coming between me and Hope and whether I’ll be able to support her.
Doc: Billy, in this world, there’s always something. Life’s not easy and it’s not always fair. We have to take what it gives us and do our best. But it’s important to remember that only you can control your own happiness.
Billy: (Darkly) Yeah, you’re right. It is in my control.
Billy leaves. Doc watches him. Lights out in bar.
ACT 1 – SCENE 7
Lights on in radio shack.
Hurley: Suspicion grows that the Zapper is behind problems surrounding the synchronized swimming exhibition. With the executive team and three townspeople watching from the newly constructed grandstands and four hundred faculty and students trying to peer over the fence, disaster struck midway through the exhibition. Evidently, a timed release of a large number of hollowed out Baby Ruth candy bars caused the offensive appearing candy to float up among the swimmers. Unsure that the candy was in fact candy, the swimmers panicked.
Because they were celebrating the bond between town and gown, the swimmers, led by the lovely Cherry Waffle, were in full academic regalia. The panicked swimmers’ regalia became increasingly entangled until they formed a large blob near the center of the pool. Thinking the blob was the climax of the event, the townspeople started cheering.
However, responding to his wife’s screams, CMO and Admiral Waffle jumped into the pool to save the swimmers. Unfortunately, he immediately cramped and vomited his massive lunch of iceberg lettuce and Maraschino Cherries.
All ended well when three Maritime students, led by Cadet Commandant Hughes, climbed over the restraining fence and rescued Waffle and swimmers. The executive team, in a unanimous action, commended the CMO and Admiral for bravery and gave the students demerits for entering a restricted area without written permission.
A huge man dressed in a Smokey the Bear hat and too-tight police uniform and wearing mirrored glasses enters the radio shack and sits down.
Hurley: Now for another KRUD exclusive, Chief Bubba Purvis of the campus police force has joined us. Chief Purvis, why do you suspect the Zapper is behind the problems at the synchronized swimming exhibition?
Purvis: Well Squirrelly, in the first place, the Zapper only strikes when the executive team is makin’ plumb fools of themselves like usin’ the pool for them swimmin’ women. But, in addition to knowing that the Zapper is a Bill Murray fan, I got physical evidence this time.
Purvis empties a sack of wrapper-less Baby Ruth’s on the table.
Hurley: Chief Purvis has just covered my table with, er, evidence.
Purvis: Calm down, Squirrel Man. This is the candy from the pool.
Hurley and Purvis each pick up a candy bar. Purvis holds his candy out for Hurley to examine.
Purvis: Look here, this is the clincher, see the small Z carved on the end.
Hurley, intently listening to Purvis’ explanation, absentmindedly takes a bite out of his candy.
Purvis: Hell, it’s either the Zapper or Zorro doing miniature sword practice.
Hurley takes another bite. Purvis picks up another candy.
Purvis: Hum, this one doesn’t seem to. Oh, shit.
Purvis drops the candy.
Purvis: Look out, Squirrel Man. Some of them swimmers must have really panicked!
Hurley spits out the candy he is eating and drops the remainder on the table.
Purvis: You’re eatin’ the candy. That’s destroying evidence!
Purvis picks up and smells the candy Hurley dropped on the table. He makes a face.
Purvis: No, I guess not. Charges dropped, Squirrelly.
Hurley runs from the radio shack holding his mouth.
Purvis reaches over and picks up Hurley’s mike.
Purvis: Lights out, Texas Maritime. No mo KRUD till mornin’.
Chief Purvis grinning takes a bite out of the piece of candy Hurley dropped.
All lights fade out.
ACT 1 - SCENE 8
Morning on the Texas coast — sea sounds
Lights intensify in bar area.
Hope is having coffee and reading the paper. Suddenly, the sounds of an unmuffled automobile engine fill the stage. Sounds stop.
Chief Purvis enters carrying a paper bag.
Purvis: Hi, Hope. Where’s your Daddy?
Hope: He must be up on campus again. He seems to be spending more and more time up there.
Purvis: Lot’s of fixin’ needed up there, Miss Hope, and Doc’s just the man to do it. When you see your Daddy, please ask him to give me a call. Oh, I almost forgot, here are some sweet rolls your Daddy and I rolled last night. Try one. My wife, Dolly, just baked ‘em.
Hope takes a small bite.
Hope: These are good. Taste like cinnamon rolls with a secret ingredient. Tell Dolly that I’d really like the recipe.
Purvis beams and starts to leave.
Purvis: Miss Hope, I’ve got to run. But, I’ll let you in on our secret. We made them rolls usin’ a bunch of the nougats of Baby Ruth candy bars that your Dad had left over.
Purvis heads for the door. Hope’s eyes follow him. She seems startled.
Purvis: Got to go. Takin’ a bunch of these to Squirrelly. He’s got a powerful sweet tooth and likes to destroy evidence.
Purvis chuckling leaves the stage. Hope looks puzzled.
Hope: Leftover Baby Ruth nougats? I can’t believe that Dad. Oh, Chief Purvis.
Too late. The automobile starts, roars, then fades.
As the car is leaving, Elwood Hoodwink, III wearing a three-piece suit and holding a large briefcase staggers into the bar.
Hoodwink (Shouting outside): Be careful, you son of a…
Hoodwink notices Hope and straitens up and adjusts his clothes.
Hoodwink: Ah, Miss Canon, I am Elwood Hoodwink the third, associate partner of Seitz, Schmalz, Schwarz, and Klein. I came down to see what you looked like. Er, I mean I would like to see you about your looking at your mother’s trust.
Hoodwink hands her the documents.
Hoodwink: These are documents that transfer control of your mother’s trust to you. Please sign each of them using your full name.
Hope briefly looks over the documents while Hoodwink is looking her over. She starts to sign.
Hoodwink: You certainly look lovely today, Miss Cannon.
Hope pauses while signing, then continues.
Hoodwink: Miss Cannon, may I ask you a question?
Hope: You may.
Hoodwink: Will you go to dinner with me tonight or, for that matter, any day this year?
Hope finishes signing the documents and hands them to Hoodwink.
Hope: Frankly, I would rather dine with a rattlesnake. By the way, I didn’t sign the prenuptial agreement assigning you control of all my properties. How did that get with the other papers?
Hoodwink: Err. An oversight, I’m sure. Then I assume marriage is out of the question. I could be helpful in looking after all your money, er, I mean helping to manage your large estate.
Hope points to the door.
Hoodwink: Let me leave you my card if you change your mind. Sorry to have to leave so soon, but I have negotiations up on campus.
Hoodwink exits quickly.
Hope: (looking in the direction of Hoodwink’s exit) Having money may not be so great. God knows Billy isn’t perfect, but at least he cares about me, not my money.
Hope walks toward the exit.
Hope: Negotiations on campus? Baby Ruths? Dad and I need to talk.
Doc enters before she can exit.
Doc: (as he enters) Hi, Sweetheart. Got a minute? We need to talk.
Hope: Yes, we do. What’s going on? Chief Purvis kind of told me that you’ve been the one pulling all those practical jokes up on campus.
Doc: Sorry, Sweetheart. Meant to tell you myself. I know that this Zapper thing is kind of silly. But, it has occupied that idiot Admiral so he can’t constantly concentrate on new ways to hurt the students. Now that Beth and a number of the faculty have decided to take on the executive team, it’s time for me to stop playing around and help them. Have you heard the latest news?
They exit talking. Bar lights out.
ACT 1 – SCENE 9
Radio shack lights on. Purvis is just leaving. Hurley waves goodbye then moves a large platter of sweet rolls so he can read the news.
Hurley: We have interesting fashion news today. Last night CMO and Admiral Waffle’s dress whites were observed to be covered with small pink spots, evidently owing to contact with the Maraschino Cherries he heaved during the swimming pool incident. Declaring their unanimous unity with the CMO and Admiral, the executive team spotted their dress whites in a touching candlelight ceremony.
In other news, Cadet Commandment Hughes, the campus valedictorian and one of the students credited with the rescue of the ladies auxiliary synchronized swimmers, was suspended from the Maritime Academy this morning. Hughes was given demerits for wearing an improper uniform and impersonating a member of the executive team because of a small pink spot on his right pants cuff. The executive team noted that these demerits, when combined with the demerit for fence jumping during the swimming pool rescue, violated the CMO and Admiral’s policy of two demerits a week maximum.
Cadet Commandant Hughes appealed to the executive team but was unanimously denied. However, CMO Waffle announced that Hughes was welcome back in the fall as an incoming freshman, if he works off his demerits. In his remarks suspending Hughes, Waffle noted that rigid adherence to the numerous rules and attention to the tiniest detail has made Texas Maritime what it is today.
That reminds me that the KRUD thought for the day is, ‘If you can’t swim, don’t blame the water.’
Professor Beth Barnes, who spoke in favor of Hughes, vowed to take his suspension to the Board of Regents and, even to the Governor, if necessary.
Lights out in radio shack.
ACT 1 - SCENE 10
Lights on in bar. It’s late afternoon. Doc and Billy are at bar. Two seedy men occupy a table. They are talking such that Billy and Doc can’t hear them.
KKK1: This is a perfect set up. The Grand Dragon really knew what he was talking about. These Vietnamese fishermen are easy targets. Once we get them thinking that it’s other shrimpers causing their problems, all hell will break loose.
KKK2: I almost died laughing when we set that boat on fire, then claimed we’d seen them other shrimpers do it.
KKK1: Yep, a few more stunts like that and the Dragon himself will be down here recruiting. You see that big guy at the bar. Well, he’s the one all the ‘merican shrimpers look up to.
KKK2: Heard around that he’s had a little trouble with them Vietnamese. Somethin’ about his girl.
KKK1: Sounds good.
Billy and Doc can now be heard.
Doc: Billy, I’m going up on campus. If you don’t mind, get those guys anything else they want. Just put the money in the honor jar.
Doc leaves.
Billy: You guys want another round?
KKK1: Sure, but we’re buying. It’s an honor to have a drink with you. Heard you’re the best fisherman on the whole Gulf Coast.
Billy: (beaming) Well, I try. But shrimping ain’t been much for anybody lately.
KKK2: Pull up a chair and tell us about it. We’re here to try to help guys like you.
Billy walks to the table and sits down.
Billy: Well, we need all the help we can get. The new fishing regulations say …
Lights out in bar.
ACT 1 – SCENE 11
Lights on in radio shack.
Hurley: Voting went as usual for tonight’s movie. There were five unanimous votes for the CMO and Admiral’s nomination “Prudence” in which a young Cherry Waffle has a bit part. In the faculty senate, there were 2 votes for, 1 against, with 52 abstentions for the faculty’s nomination “A medley of Rock Hudson’s and Doris Day’s greatest movies”. The student council’s nomination, “Beach Babes meet Cheech and Chong”, received 1220 votes.
Radio shack lights out.
ACT 1 - SCENE 12
Lights on bar area. Doc is sitting alone. He is in a pensive mood, staring strait ahead at an angle to the ‘door’. A woman enters.
Doc: (Doesn’t look directly at the woman, but starts to get up) Hi, Hope, I’ve been waiting for you. Are you ready…
Doc stops talking and stares at the women.
Doc: (puzzled) Constance?
They look at each other; the woman smiles.
Doc: Connie, is that you?
Constance: It’s me, Doc.
Doc: I don’t understand.
Constance: Don’t try, Sweetheart. Some things, we just can’t understand.
Doc: Connie, I have so much to tell you.
Constance walks up to Doc and hugs him.
Constance: Don’t worry about telling me anything. I’ve always been here with you and Hope. I died; but somehow I couldn’t leave, at least until now. Tonight, I’m here to thank you for keeping your promise to raise Hope. You did everything right. She is a wonderful young lady. I am so proud she’s our daughter.
Doc: I’m proud of her, too. And I’m happy that you’re pleased.
They separate but stay close to each other.
Constance: I’m also proud of you, Doc. You were always there for Hope and you took such good care of me while I was ill.
Doc: Connie, I guess you know that I’ve been seeing someone for a while.
Constance: Yes, Beth Barnes. She seems good for you and Hope really looks up to her.
Doc; Now that you’re back, I’ll have to…
Constance: But, I’m not back, Sweetheart. In fact, I came to say my final goodbye. You may not realize it; but you and Hope don’t need me any more. You buried me twenty-one years ago. Now it’s time for both of us to let go.
Doc: But I promised.
Constance: Your promise to me was to raise Hope. You kept your promise.
Doc: I swore never to marry again.
Constance: I never asked or wanted that and I don’t want it now. All I want is for you and Hope to be happy. Goodbye, Doc.
She leaves.
Doc rushes after her.
Doc: (loudly) Connie, stop.
Doc: (softly) Please.
Doc returns to chair and sits with his head down
Hope enters; Doc, looking down, doesn’t see her.
Doc: I love you.
Hope: Oh, Dad. I love you, too.
Hope goes over and, still standing, hugs him.
Hope: Dad, I just imagined the strangest thing. First, I thought I saw a beautiful woman gliding along on top of the water. Then I looked again and it was only that osprey.
Doc rushes to the pier, then returns slowly.
Doc: The nest is gone. Not even a stick left.
Hope: I think the osprey has just moved to a better place.
Doc: (a little dazed) Yes. I guess it was time for her to move on. I have to remember she’s in a better place.
Doc paces briefly, then turns to Hope.
Doc: Your mother loved you.
Hope: Dad, you’re in a strange mood tonight.
Hope walks over and looks at the Boating Party.
Hope: But, somehow, I’ve always known that. In fact, sometimes, especially when it’s quiet, I can feel her love as if she were here. I feel it now.
Doc: Sweetheart, let’s go home. It’s been quite a day.
They exit together. Lights out in bar area.
ACT 1 - SCENE 13
Lights on in radio shack.
Hurley: This just in! Cadet Commandant Hughes may graduate with his class. A mystery donor has made Hughes graduation a condition for the gift now rumored to be well over 25 million dollars. After learning of the gift, the faculty senate voted 55 to zero with no abstentions to send a recommendation to the executive team that Hughes graduate. The team is faced with a real dilemma. Should it cave in to the many groups demanding Hughes graduation or as CMO and Admiral Waffle puts it “stand tall in the saddle for Texas Maritime Academy and all that it is today”. The executive team has been in closed session for over 10 hours.
Hurley is joined by Hoodwink and Spinbender who is wearing pink dotted whites.
In a related story, negotiations with the mystery donor have reached a delicate stage. The mystery donor has demanded that negotiations be held directly with representatives of the faculty and students. Joining me for a KRUD exclusive are Elwood Hoodwink, III; associate partner of a local law firm representing the mystery donor and Dr. Spinbender — representing the executive team. Mr. Hoodwink, how are negotiations going?
Hoodwink: Negotiations have picked up now that the buffoon of an Admiral and his band of polkadotted booty kissers are no longer involved.
Hurley: Doctor Spinbender, is the executive team no longer involved?
Spinbender: It’s true and I don’t think that it’s fair. What do the faculty and students know about the institution? Or, for that matter, what do they know about kissing up? We on the executive team are true professionals.
Hoodwink leaves grinning.
Hurley: I’m sure that all our listeners agree with that. Kind of like the statement, ‘If you ain’t from Texas, you ain’t shit’. Maybe that could be a KRUD bonus thought for the day. Because, even people from New York nod their heads when…
Spinbender: You can’t say that on the air, idiot.
Hurley: What?
Spinbender: You know, er, potty.
Hurley: Potty? Oh, I can’t say shit on the air.
Spinbender: (shouting) You did it again.
Hurley: Oh, shit. I’m sorry.
Spinbender puts his head in his hands.
Spinbender: Please sign off.
Hurley: OK. No more KRUD or shit ‘til morning. This is 1616 on your AM dial and I’m signing off. But first, I’ll put you mariners to sleep with this special request from the entire Dallas Cowboy football team. It’s dedicated to the woman on campus they love.
Whoops, I misread it. It’s to the woman on campus that makes love to all of them. Anyhow, it’s the classic recording of that all time favorite, “Cherry Pie”.
Spinbender leaves shaking his fist at Hurley. The telephone starts to ring. Hurley, singing along with Cherry pie. Ignores Spendbender and the ringing phone.
Lights out in radio shack.
ACT 1 - SCENE 14
Lights on in bar. It’s morning. Doc and Hope are up very early in bar area. Doc is visibly agitated.
Doc: How can both the bird and the nest be gone? I’m going to look again.
Hope: Dad, you’ve looked three times. Like I said last night, the osprey has just moved to a better place.
Doc pauses, turns, and looks at Hope.
Doc: Yes. I’m having trouble accepting it. I thought I was taking care of her. But, all the time, she was watching over us. I’ve been a stubborn fool, Hope. Time to fix a few things in my life. Let’s get up on campus. It promises to be quite a day.
Lights out bar area.
ACT 1 – SCENE 15
Lights on radio shack.
Hurley and Spinbender are looking out a real or ‘imaginary’ window on the side of the stage.
Hurley: (in microphone) What a day! It’s still a few minutes to daybreak and the start of the Texas Maritime Academy’s most important sporting event. Of course, I am referring to the executive team’s annual celebrity crabbing tournament. Folks, this is one of the most spectacular views in the world of sports. Formally dressed celebrities are lined up on both sides of the large ditch that connects the Texas Maritime Academy’s sewage treatment facility with the student/faculty boat basin. For the last 48 hours, all waste products from the Academy have been shunted untreated into the ditch, so we know that it is teaming with crabs. Each celebrity has one hand at waist level holding a crab net. Their other hand is held directly overhead and slowly twirls a chicken neck at the end of a long string. The beauty, the precision. I can only describe it as spectacular. Doctor Spinbender, member of and spokesman for the executive team, is here to officially start the tournament. Doctor Spinbender, your observations.
Spinbender: It is spectacular, Professor Hurley, and it is because of that farsighted genius, that real man, CMO and Admiral Waffle. At the beginning of the school year, our Waffle realized that there was not enough money in the budget to hold a crabbing tournament worthy of the executive team. Instead of scrimping and saving throughout the year, Waffle moved decisively. He fired the head librarian, canceled all journal subscriptions, and bought no books or computers. A fortune was saved, and I’m proud to say, every dollar was poured into this magnificent event.
Spinbender still talking in the microphone spots someone out the window.
Spinbender: Oh, it’s the Governor. Hi, Governor. Greetings from the executive team.
He waves and makes kissing sounds.
Spinbender: (under his breath) Who’s that talking to the Governor? It’s Professor Barnes. She shouldn’t be …
Governor evidently waves at Spinbender. Spinbender responds by smiling and waving back like a fool
Spindbender: Hi, Governor. Welcome to Texas Maritime. (softly and very coldly) Hello, Barnes.
Spinbender gets a shocked look on his face.
Hurley: Professor Beth Barnes has added her vote to those thinking this is a number one event. Look, the Governor is also using her single digit hand signal. Off they go to join the other celebrities at the tournament. Doctor Spinbender, it must be a real honor for the executive team to be recognized in such a manner by the Governor.
Spinbender: Er. It is.
Hurley: One thing is certain. We will have a new winner this year. Last year’s winner, Cherry Waffle, was declared ineligible to compete this year. This was after Chief Purvis presented evidence that Cherry had gotten her crabs from every member of the executive team.
Spinbender: Cherry Waffle asked me to inform her many admirers that she is not disappointed about missing the tournament this year. This is because CMO and Admiral Waffle, in his always generous manner, has already presented Mrs. Waffle with a large container of crabs.
Hurley: Wow! Another KRUD exclusive! Cherry Waffle sits out tournament with a case of crabs. But, here, with our panoramic view of the Texas Maritime sewage treatment plant, it is almost time to start the tournament. The first rays of the sun are bouncing off the twirling chicken necks, the bouffant hairdos, the alligator boots. What a sight! I now hand the KRUD microphone to Doctor Spinbender for the official start. Remember celebrity crabbers, the one with the most crabs wins.
Spinbender pops to attention and salutes.
Spinbender: By the powers unanimously conferred upon me by CMO and Admiral Waffle’s executive team, I declare this tournament open. (In a loud voice) Cast your chicken necks upon the waters!
Loud splashes and screams are heard.
Hurley: What a start. Humm. I guess some of those alligators in the ditch aren’t too happy about their relatives being made into boots.
Radio shack lights out.
ACT 1 – SCENE 16
Lights on in bar area. Beth is on stage talking to someone off stage.
Beth: Thank you for listening, governor. I’m looking forward to working with you.
Beth sits down.
Kim comes in. He seems worried.
Kim: Good morning, Professor Barnes. Have you seen Hope?
Beth: No, I just got here myself. I was looking for her. Why kid myself, I was also hoping to see Doc. Kim, you look upset.
Kim: Oh, yes, Professor Barnes. I am very upset. You are a very intelligent lady. Perhaps you would give me advice?
Beth: I’ll try Kim. What’s the problem?
Kim: My parents think that it is not proper for me to take Hope to the Senior Gala. They say that they have already chosen a wife for me, one that they think would assure my future happiness.
Kim shows Beth a photograph.
Beth: She is lovely.
Kim: Our families are friends and have many business dealings. I know that our marriage would bring great honor to both houses. I want to please my parents; but I also want to choose my own wife. I don’t know what to do. It is very hard to be an American but still try to honor my mother and father and keep the traditions of our former country.
Beth: I’m sure it is. Kim, I don’t think this is the sort of problem that can be worked out quickly. You need time to discuss this and to decide what’s best for you and for all concerned. Hope is a good friend and I’m sure that she would understand if you thought it was best that you two don’t go together to the Gala.
Kim: Thank you, Professor Barnes. I feel better now. You are right. Hope is a good friend and will understand the situation. I do need time to think.
Beth: Kim, good luck. When you see Hope, ask her to call me.
Beth leaves bar.
Kim settles down at a table to wait for Hope.
Billy enters bar with KKKers.
Kim: Hi, Billy. Have you seen Hope? I need to talk to her.
Billy: Kim, I’m feeling bad enough today. Don’t rub it in.
Kim: But I need to see her, my parents think it is not suitable for Hope to…
Kim: (looking at KKKers) Hey, I saw you guys hanging out by my parent’s boat…
The KKKers grab Kim, one gags him. They hold him.
KKK1: Billy, did you hear what this jerk was saying about your girl? Not suitable!
KKK2: Why don’t you take him somewhere and make it clear who’s suitable?
Billy: Yeah, Kim and I need to talk privately.
The KKKers push Kim towards Billy.
Billy: I got him. Now I’ll take him a few miles out up the road and convince him to stay out of my business.
Billy pushes the struggling Kim off stage.
KKK1: (To KKK2 with an evil grin) More like a few miles offshore so we can be sure he never bothers real ‘mericans again.
KKK2: (Shouting to Billy offstage) Wait up, Billy. We’re coming to help.
They slink off smiling, pleased with themselves and the situation.
Lights off bar area.
ACT 1 – SCENE 17
Lights on radio shack.
Hurley: Unfortunately, “Beach Babes Meet Cheech and Chong” was not seen last night. After viewing the film four times, the executive team unanimously voted to substitute the official navy training film, “VD — Scourge of the Navy Seaman” staring CMO and Admiral Waffle as a young Ensign. Film buffs may remember that this was the only movie staring Cherry Waffle, although her face did not appear in the film. Soon after making this film, she fell for the young Waffle during their convalescence at the VD treatment center. Attendance was light. Faculty, staff, and students were getting ready for the last day of finals and the Maritime Gala. Waffle and the entire executive team were receiving treatment for alligator and crab bites. That reminds me of the KRUD thought for the day. ‘If you can’t run with the big dogs, stay on the porch.’
Doc and Beth enter the radio shack bringing Hurley a small stack of paper.
Hurley: Folks, another KRUD exclusive! I’ve just been handed a press release. In a special meeting of the Board of Regents of the Texas Maritime Academy chaired by the Governor, Admiral Waffle and the entire executive team have been removed from office and Professor Beth Barnes named as the new Chancellor. Wow. Chancellor Barnes is in the studio. Beth, I mean Chancellor Barnes, would you say a few words.
Beth: In the first place, Squirrelly, its still Beth. It is a great honor to be named Chancellor. I plan to work with the Governor and the faculty to stress academics at Texas Maritime.
I’m pleased to report that my first official act as Chancellor was to allow Cadet Commandant Hughes to graduate with his class. I am also pleased to report that a number of other notable actions occurred at the special meeting of the Regents. Most of those involved Doc Cannon. So, with your permission, I’d like to turn the microphone over to him
Hurley: Doc, before you report on the meeting, do you have any comments on reports that you are in fact the notorious Zapper?
Doc: Didn’t realize that the Zapper had achieved notorious status. But it’s true. I was the Zapper. At the time, it seemed like a pretty good way to occupy the executive team. I apologized to the Governor and the Regents. I add my apologies to the entire university community.
Hurley: Hell, Doc. Don’t apologize. The Zapper is the most popular person on campus. Can I have your autograph? Do you need an agent? Talk shows are always …
Doc: Squirrelly, the Zapper is permanently retired. But, there were a few items from the Regents’ meeting I would like to discuss. As some of you may have heard, I was fortunate to inherit some money from my late wife’s estate. The Regents accepted my offer to endow a fine arts center here on campus in her name. In addition to the 50 million dollar endowment…
Hurley gasps.
Doc: The Constance Cannon Fine Arts Center will receive two Renoirs that haven’t been displayed since Connie purchased them a little over 21 years ago. I know she would like to share what she found beautiful with the world.
Finally, a Center is only as good as its director, so I endowed a special chair for that position. Beth made a recommendation to the Regents that they appoint a very special individual to this new chair, a person that knows how to work tirelessly with the students, faculty, and townspeople. Here’s the press release.
He hands the release to Hurley.
Hurley: Wow. Fifty mil and an endowed chair. You could get anyone. Beth, where did you go, the Ivy League?
Beth: Read it.
Hurley: (dramatically) In yet another K. R. U. D. KRUD exclusive, the first director and chair holder is, Ta Dah!
Hurley looks down at the press release.
Hurley: Professor Percival Lancelot Hurley
Doc: Humm, I see why they call you Squirrelly.
Hurley: Me. A chair…
Hurley faints. Doc and Beth catch him.
Lights out in radio shack.
ACT 1 - SCENE 18
Lights on in bar. Hope is wearing an evening gown that resembles the women’s dresses in The Boating Party.
Hope: No Billy. No Kim. No Maritime Gala. Money’s great; but friends are more important.
Hope goes to The Boating Party; then looks at her dress.
Hope: (amazed) I dressed like the women in The Boating Party
She turns to the audience and looks up.
Hope: Mom, I guess that I dressed like this for you. Oh, how I wish you were here tonight. Dad’s been great; but I miss you.
She pauses to wipe away a tear.
Hope: Mom, you were so brave to fight cancer to have me. I owe you so much. But all I can do is tell you I love you.
After a few seconds, Doc and Beth enter.
Beth: Hope, you look beautiful.
Hope: All dressed up and nowhere to go, at least no one to take me. I can’t believe that Kim stood me up.
Beth: Kim! Oh dear. He was looking for you earlier to…
Billy, Kim, and Chief Purvis enter dragging the KKKers who are soaking wet and ‘sputtering’ water.
Billy: I’ve been a fool in more ways than one. These guys were going to hurt Kim. But no two Klanners can stand up to two Texas shrimpers. On the way back to shore, we tested the turtle excluders with them. Worked fine.
Billy pauses and walks over to Hope.
Billy: Kim’s forgiven me. I hope you will too. Would you be willing to go to the Gala with Kim and me?
Hope: Sounds wonderful. My best guy and my best friend.
Billy: Come on then. Kim and I will drop you at the Gala and get cleaned up. What a night. Oh, Chief, I forgot. Do you need any help with these guys? Could test the excluders one more time.
KKKers moan.
Chief Purvis: Naw, I’ll just hold ‘em till the feds come. They’ll be here soon. They’ve been lookin’ for these guys for a long time. But, Billy, you forgot to tell them about your punishment for actin’ like a fool.
Billy: Well, I did act like one and I’ve agreed to pay the price. I’m going on Purvis probation. The Chief has agreed to forget everything if I go back to Texas Maritime and finish my senior year.
Hope: That’s the best news yet. Let’s go celebrate.
Hope puts arms around both Billy and Kim. The three start to walk out.
Hope: Bye, Beth. Bye, Chief. Dad, I’ll probably be out pretty late tonight.
Doc: See you when you get in. Have a good time.
Beth: Goodbye. Have fun at the Gala.
Purvis waves at the departing group. Turns to Beth and Doc.
Purvis: Excuse me, Beth. And you, too, Doc. I’d better get these guys over to the cop shop. Need to get my car waxed before the feds show up.
Purvis leaves, half dragging the KKKers.
Doc: Beth, excuse me for a minute. I need to check on the osprey.
Doc starts to look for the osprey, stops half way to the pier, returns.
Doc: (To no one in particular.) I know she’s gone and not coming back.
Beth: I’m sorry, Doc. I know that you thought the world of that osprey. But, I need to be going too, and I’m not planning on coming back here either. Thanks for supporting me with the board today. You were wonderful. We make a great team.
Beth suddenly turns and looks ‘hard’ at Doc.
Beth: Is it because you had money and didn’t want anyone to know? Is that why you didn’t want to marry me?
Doc shakes his head no.
Beth: No, then I guess I’ll never figure it out. Doc, I simply can’t go on like this. I love you very much. But I need a commitment, something you seem unable to give. I hope that we can still be friends. I can’t imagine not seeing Hope.
She starts to leave.
The radio shack lights come on.
Hurley: I have a special request from Doc to Beth.
Beth stops, her back to Doc.
Hurley plays ‘”when a man loves a woman” or ”at last” or something similar.
Doc walks over to the perfectly still Beth.
Doc: May I have this dance
Beth nods. She turns to him. They dance, at first stiffly, then closer. Hurley is smiling and dancing alone.
Radio shack lights fade out. Music continues.
Bar area lights start to fade.
They fade to the point that the audience thinks the play is over. But then.
Doc: Beth, will you marry me?
Beth: Are you sure?
Lights come up a little. They dance some more.
Doc: I’m so sure.
Beth: Yes. I will.
They continue dancing as the stage continues to darken and the music fades.
Suddenly, the loud cry of a “happy” osprey.
Doc looks up and smiles. Pulls Beth even closer.
Stage goes dark.
The End
Acknowledgements
I thank everyone who helped me with the ideas, writing, and presentation of The Boating Party. In particular, the contributions of Glenn Boledovich, Pierre-Marc Daggett, Mary Hope Katsouros, George Mitchell, William Seitz, and Robert Shea are sincerely appreciated.
End Notes
The Boating Party is dedicated to Sea Aggies everywhere. It was written during my long association with Texas A&M University, especially its Galveston campus. A perfect place to learn about exceptional students, dedicated but eccentric faculty, and truly insane administrators.
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