Five Things You Should Never Say to Your Kids, by Dr
Five Things You Should Never Say to Your Kids, by Dr. Brad Schwall,
We've all said them - clichés that we say out of frustration but that do not help the situation. Here are the top five clichés to avoid, why you should avoid them, and what to say instead.
1. "If you don't come right now, I am going to leave you here."
You're at the park or a store and your kid does not want to leave - you threaten to leave him there.
Pitfall: Aside from traumatizing your child with the belief that you might actually leave him alone to fend for himself on the streets, threatening actions we will never follow through with leads our kids to believe we do not mean what we say.
Alternative: Give a warning that you are about to leave. Go to your child, tell him it is time to leave, and walk with him to the car.
Runner up: "I'm going to count to three, 1... 2.... 3...." ...when you really do not intend for anything to happen on the count of three.
2. "Why did you do that?"
Your child wipes her dirty hands on a white towel or leaves his jacket at school and you want to know why.
Pitfall: Do you really think your child has a wonderful, clear explanation for making a silly choice? If she did have an explanation, would it help?
Alternative: State what your child did that was not appropriate and say exactly what you want your child to do instead of that behavior.
Runner up: "What were you thinking?"
3. "When I was your age...."
Pitfall: Kids tune out when we lecture.
Alternative: Demonstrate that you understand the uniqueness of the situation your child is facing by listening and repeating what you have heard your child say. It is OK to tell about our experiences. Our kids can learn from and enjoy our stories, but when we immediately compare a situation we have experienced with one they are facing without showing them that we understand what they are experiencing, they won't listen.
Runner up: "If I were you...."
4. "Go ask your mother/father."
Your child asks permission to do something and you defer to your spouse.
Pitfall: Deferring can imply to your child that she might get different answers from the two of you.
Alternative: Talk to your spouse about what he or she thinks and give your child the answer from the both of you.
5. "I do and do and do for you kids and this is the thanks I get."
You do so much for your kids, but their misbehavior seems to indicate they are not grateful.
Pitfall: Do not expect good behavior just because you do nice things for your kids. There should be no relationship between a child's behavior and what you do for him.
Alternative: We should expect appropriate behavior from our children no matter what we do or do not do for them. We can take away privileges as consequences for making bad choices, but we care for our kids unconditionally. Teach your kids how to behave positively by making expectations clear, demonstrating what you expect, and affirming them for making good choices.
Other Cliché Runner-Ups
"Do you want me to call Santa?"
"Do you want to get in trouble?"
"I hope your kids are just like you."
"Too bad so sad."
by Dr. Brad Schwall,
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