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COLLABORATIVE PROBLEM SOLVING (CPS)Notes from The Explosive Child by Ross Greene compiled by Dr. M. CavanaghParenting is one of the most challenging, demanding, and stressful undertakings on the planet. It is also one of the most important, for how it is approached influences, in great measure, the heart and soul and consciousness of the next generation. Yet those of us who become parents do so virtually without preparation or training, with little or no guidance or support, and in a world that values producing far more than nurturing, doing far more than being.Parenting is a calling. It calls us to re-create our world every day, to meet it freshly in every moment. Such a calling is in actuality nothing less than a rigorous spiritual discipline, a quest to realize our truest, deepest nature as human beings.Parenting is, above all, uniquely personal. Ultimately, parenting needs to come from deep inside ourselves. No single strategy fits every time. That being said, here is a review of an approach to decision-making and problem-solving with our kids that is highly effective. Collaborative Problem SolvingExplosions reflect a developmental disability – a learning disability of sorts – in the skills of flexibility, frustration tolerance, and problem-solving. Single most important theme: kids do well if they can.The most important thing you can do to help your explosive child to be less explosive is to understand why s/he's explosive in the first place.Kids only explode under certain conditions… whenever they don't have the skills to deal well with the demands being placed on them. The basic task of reducing explosions is identifying the unsolved problems – the who, what, where, and when of explosions.Think about the demands being placed on the child and whether they exceed his skills and capacity to respond adaptively. Decide how you will handle unmet expectations.Emotions are a necessary part of life! They mobilize or energize people to solve problems; thinking is how problems get solved. Kids may have the ability to deal successfully with problems and can demonstrate such knowledge under calm circumstances, but at the moment of frustration, the powerful emotions may keep them from accessing and using the information.Characteristics of Kids Who ExplodeInflexible thinking is one of the most common triggers for explosions. Can black – and – white thinkers, living in a gray world, be helped to think in any more of a flexible matter? You bet. But not if the adults around them are being inflexible themselves.Reflex negativity – the tendency to instantaneously say no to every change in plan, new idea being presented,?or request made.The explosiveness of many children may be fuelled by a chronic state of irritability and agitation that makes it hard for them to respond to life's routine frustrations in an adaptive, rational manner. Grumpy and irritable kids usually don't need more discipline; discipline is not especially useful in helping a child be less irritable and agitated.Like irritability, anxiety has the potential to make rational thought much more difficult.?When a child is anxious about something, clear thinking is essential; but for some kids, clear thinking doesn't take place. The combination of anxiety and irrationality causes some children to cry, and causes others to explode. The criers are the lucky ones because crying is at the milder end of the spectrum and adults tend to take things far less personally and respond far more empathically to children who cry than to children who explode, even though the two behaviours emanate from the same source: lagging skills and unsolved problems.Point to keep in mind: don't place too much emphasis on diagnoses – they often do not necessarily identify the specific problems that are setting the stage for the explosions, or the thinking skills or weaknesses of your child.If you want your child to learn to be more flexible, to handle frustrations more adaptively, and to get better at solving problems, it's not going to happen if you are busy being a role model for inflexibility.Inflexibility + inflexibility = explosion?“A soft response turns away anger.”Lagging skills is not an excuse, rather an explanation, for behavioural problems. Typical "explanations" of problem behaviour may be:“S/he just wants attention.” Well, we all went attention. Doesn't the fact that s/he's seeking attention maladaptively tell us s/he doesn't have the skills to seek attention adaptively? “S/he just wants his/her own way.” We all want our own way! Adaptively getting one’s own way requires a lot of skills, often lacking in explosive kids.“S/he's manipulating us.” Competent manipulation requires many complex skills – forethought, planning, impulse control, organization – that are typically lacking in explosive kids.“S/he's not motivated.” Kids do well if they can. S/he obviously needs more from us than rewards and punishment; rewards and punishment don't teach lagging thinking skills and don't solve the problems that precipitate explosive outbursts.“S/he's making bad choices.” This suggests that s/he already has the skills to be making good choices.“S/he has a bad attitude.” "Bad attitudes" tend to be the byproduct of countless years of being misunderstood and over-punished. Fear not, kids are resilient; they come around if we start doing the right thing.“S/he knows just what buttons to push.” We should paraphrase this one so it's more accurate: “when s/he's having difficulty being flexible, dealing adaptively with frustration, and solving problems, s/he does things that are very maladaptive and that I experience as being extremely unpleasant.” Good, we agree.Some parents struggle with feeling that their child's behaviour is planned and willful. This often cannot be fully determined, so one is making assumptions. With assumptions, there are two mistakes that can be made: the first is to think your child's behaviour is unplanned and unintentional when it really isn't. The second is thinking your child's behaviour is planned and intentional when it really isn't. If you have to make an error, make the first one; the ramifications of the second are much more serious.Parents' job: Identify lagging skills. Identify unsolved problems. Teach the needed skills. Solve the problems. Parents are half of the equation. Q: Does that mean I have to say yes to everything just so my child doesn't explode?A: It doesn't mean that at allQ: Don't I need to set a precedent so my child knows who's the boss??A: Your child already knows you're the boss. Mission accomplished. S/he needs something else from you.Q:?So I'll still be in charge?A: You're going to feel a lot more in charge than you do now.Reward and punishment programs do not work for everyone. Reward and punishment programs basically do two things well. First, they teach kids basic lessons about right and wrong ways to behave. Many children, perhaps most, learn from and modify their behaviour in response to direct instruction, but others benefit from the added implementation of rewards and consequences. Of course, some don't. If a child does not benefit maximally from direct instruction (e.g. If you don't look both ways before crossing the street, you could get hurt. If you don't share with your friends coming in I want to play with you.), a second very powerful and persuasive teaching tool kicks in: natural consequences. There are some children still who do not learn from natural consequences. Now are we ready for a formal reward and punishment program? Actually, we've now arrived at a fork in the road. Reward programs do not remediate the lagging skills that are setting the stage for the explosions or solve the problems that are reliably preceding the explosions. Not receiving anticipated rewards makes explosive kids more likely to explode, not less. Reward and punishment programs provide kids with extrinsic motivation. If you assume your child isn't doing well because s/he doesn't want to, then it makes sense to provide extrinsic motivation. However, recall that kids do well if they can. Most children are already motivated to do well and prefer that over not doing well. Consequences don't teach the skills explosive kids lack; they just increase the likelihood that a kid will exhibit skills s/he's already capable of consistently performing. So if they don't need more consequences and they are already motivated to do well, they need something else from us. Let’s take a look at our options:Three plans (one in particular)Plan A – this is not the preferred plan. Plan A is handling a problem or unmet expectation through the imposition of adult will.Plan B involves collaborative problem-solving, a process by which you engage the child in resolving a problem in a mutually satisfactory manner. This is the preferred plan.Plan C– Involves dropping an expectation completely, at least for now.An interesting paradox to ponder: which kids get more Plan A thrown at them than any other type of kid? The explosive ones…the ones least capable of handling Plan A. These kids do not have a Plan A brain. Most of us are not enthusiastic about having someone else's will imposed on us, but do have the skills to handle it when it happens.Plan A is a "who's the boss" type of plan, which is the perfect recipe for a massive number of explosions, a relationship with your child that is unhelpful, and a child who is wondering when his/her "boss" is going to start handling his/her difficulties in a new way that makes things better. Plan A doesn't durably solve the problem, nor does it help kids be more flexible or tolerate frustration.Plan C – many people conclude that plan C is the equivalent of "giving in". Actually, giving is what usually happens when you start with plan A and it is not working. When you deliberately use plan C, you are intentionally, thoughtfully, and proactively deciding to drop a given expectation either because you've decided it was unrealistic, or because you have other, higher – priority expectations to pursue. Temporarily dropping low – priority expectations will help your child be more "available" to work on higher – priority unsolved problems. The biggest downside to plan C is that some expectations won't be met, at least not yet. The major upside to plan C: any expectation you've dropped won't cause explosions, if you've truly dropped it.PLAN B (COLLABORATIVE PROBLEM SOLVING) – 3 STEPSThe Empathy Step This involves diving into understanding why the child is having a problem.?This step involves gathering information from your child to understand his concern or perspective on a given unsolved problems. The goal is to achieve the clearest possible understanding. Just like adults, kids have legitimate concerns: hunger, fatigue, fear, the desire to buy or do certain things, and the tendency to avoid things that make them feel uncomfortable, scared, or incompetent.If you dismiss an explosive child's concerns, s/he is likely to explode. That's not the only downside; if you're busy dismissing your child's concerns, don't be surprised when s/he reciprocates. By the way, you don't lose any authority by gathering information, understanding and emphasizing. Rather, you gain a problem-solving partner, and likely feel more in control and you ever have. ?To explore your child’s feelings about the problem, use the format: "I've noticed…What's up?"Examples: "I've noticed that we've been arguing a lot about how much time you spend in playing video games. What's up?""I've noticed that we've been fighting a lot about your bedtime. What's up?""I've noticed that homework has been a real struggle for us lately. What's up?"These statements need to be neutral observations. Suspend your agenda and opinion for a moment to actually listen. Remember, the goal is to get a clear understanding of your child's perspective. Most adults are over-confident that they already know what a child's concern or perspective is, but they are often wrong. ?If you listen, you may be quite surprised by how much insight they have into their frustration.?To clarify your child's concern, because it is often vague when they first state it; focus on the who, what, where, when, and why of an unsolved problem. "Tell me more...I'm not sure I understand...What part of that makes you frustrated?"Try to utilize a Proactive Plan B, rather than an Emergency Plan B. Your child's and your own problem-solving will be much better when you are not in the heat of the problem.In emergency plan B, the empathy step typically involves reflective listening. Example: "You're frustrated?with your homework. What's up?"The Define the Problem StepOnce you have a clear understanding of your child's concern or perspectives on a given unsolved problems, you're ready to move on to the step. This is when you define your concern (not what solution you'd like to see). If you're having difficulty figuring out what your concern is, here's some good news: it's probably not complicated. The vast majority of adult concerns are related to safety, health, or how your child's behaviour is affecting him/her or others.Invitation StepThis final step involves brainstorming potential solutions to the now well – defined problem. The invitation lets the child know that solving the problem is something you are doing with him/her, together, rather than to him/her. You could invite your child with the following phrases "let's think about how we can solve this problem" or "let's think about how we can work that out". To make it as explicit as possible, it is helpful to recap the two concerns (child and parent) that were identified in the first two steps. Example: "I wonder if there's a way for us to help you with (child concern), so it's not so hard but you can also (parent concern)?" Then you give your child the first crack at gathering a solution ("do you have any ideas?"). ?This helps them know and feel that you are actually interested in their ideas. Many parents, in their eagerness to solve the problem, forget the invitation and impose their will. Too often, we assume that the only person capable of coming up with a good solution to the problem is the adult. There's actually an outstanding chance your child can think of good solutions. And… There's a good chance he has been waiting for you to give him the chance. The next part is crucial. Each solution under consideration is evaluated on the basis of whether it is realistic and mutually satisfactory. The mutually satisfactory part allows us parents to address and set limits; it also helps kids stop exploding. If problems are being solved collaboratively, rather than through imposition of adult will, then there may really be nothing left to explode about. If your child comes up with a solution that only addresses their concern but not yours, you simply want to remind him/her that the goal is to come up with a solution that works for both of you. Example: "well, that's an idea… And I know that idea what address you were concerned, but I don't think it would address my concern. Let's see if we can come up with an idea that will work for both of us." There's no such thing as a bad solution, only solutions that aren't realistic or mutually?satisfactory. (Please keep in min, "trying harder" is seldom a viable solution.) Your goal – and this is very important – is to prove to your child that you are as invested in making sure that his/her concern is addressed as you were in making sure that yours is addressed. ?Reassure your child's that if the first solution doesn't work, you will talk it over again and come up with another plan. *Note: Plan B isn't usually easy early on. Sometimes the discussion gets heated because history has been used to falling into disagreements. Parents sometimes become impatient in the midst of Plan B and head for plan A or plan C. Hang in there.*Note: Plan B hasn't failed just because you didn't get through all three steps on the first try. It is a process of gathering information, sharing concerns, and thinking about solutions. It takes some time.TROUBLESHOOTINGWhat if your child says "I don't know" in response to the Empathy step?Reassure that they have time to think; they may not have an answer yet because you haven't talked about this before. If still nothing, make some educated guesses based on times this has happened before and the reasons for it then.?The child may be accustomed to having his/her concerns ignored and not see the point in expressing them; s/he may be concerned that if s/he's honest, it will cause a fight; s/he may need some reassurance from you about this, such as "I'm not mad", "you're not in trouble", "I'm not telling you what to do", "I'm just trying to understand." They also may have forgotten what your question was. They may also be having trouble with verbal communication.What if your child says he doesn't care about your concern? Well, give him/her 10 bonus points for honesty! Don't be insulted that s/he doesn't care about your concern. The good news is s/he doesn't really have to care about your concern; s/he just has to take it into account as you pursue a mutually satisfactory solution together. S/he'll start trying to take into account and address your concerns not too long after you take into account and start trying to address his/hers.What about "accountability" and "responsibility"? Those are more or less code for "punishment". Most explosive kids have received more punishment and pain than most people experience in a lifetime. If it was going to work, it would have already. If your child is getting his/her concerns onto the table, taking yours into account, and collaboratively working towards a solution with you, rest assured; s/he's being held accountable and taking responsibility for his/her actions.Which plan, A or B, builds a skill set important for life in the real world?...The blind adherence to authority taught with plan A, or identifying and articulating one's concerns, taking others' concerns into account, and working towards solutions that are realistic and mutually satisfactory as in plan B??Children with communication challengesKeep your discussion simple. You may need to do more work in generating a list of unsolved problems.Consider using a picture communication system.Give them key phrases for identifying concerns, like a generic "problem vocabulary" that can be applied across many situations. Examples: "Something is the matter", "I can't talk about that right now", "I need help”, "I don't know what to do", and "I need a break". Prompt with repetitive phrases such as "looks like something is the matter"For specific concerns, they likely only need a few short key phrases eg. "I'm hot", "I'm hungry". Teaching words to communicate the problems will be more effective than teaching words to communicate emotions, initially. There are more basic, concrete responses to specific problems rather than to feelings.Teach a set of general solutions. The vast majority of solutions to problems can fall into one of three categories: ask for help; meet halfway or give a little; and do it a different way.When using Plan B, you're not just solving problems, you're?working on and practicing lagging skills munication errors (parent and child)Speculation – drawing erroneous conclusions about each other's motives or thoughtsOvergeneralization – the tendency to draw global conclusions in response to isolated eventsPerfectionism – unrealistic expectations, focusing on the remaining work to be done, rather than on the progress made minimizes the child's efforts and gains made. Settle for "good enough"; it's just that – good enough.Sarcasm – kids often don't have the skills to figure out that the parent is meaning- the opposite of what is being said, or in putdowns (what's the matter with you? Why can't you be more like your sister?)Catastrophizing – over-exaggeration of the effect of current behaviour on child's future (‘you'll probably end up in jail someday…’)Interrupting – don't forget, your child is probably having trouble sorting through his thoughts in the first place; your interruptions don't helpLecturing (‘how many times do I have to tell you…’)Dwelling on the pastTalking through a third person (‘your father is going to tell you why… isn't that right dear?’)Opposing viewsIn two – parent families, it is common that one parent is primarily disposed toward Plan A and the other is primarily disposed toward Plan C.Parent #1: “If you'd just let me deal with him and stop letting him off the hook, things would be different around here!”Parent #2: “I'm not going to stand by and watch you screaming at him and punishing him all the time. Somebody needs to give the kid a break!”Some partners aren't very skilled at collaboratively solving problems with each other. Parents strained by their own difficulties may have a little left for a labour – intensive child; conversely, the energy expended on the child may leave little energy and time for the couple. Address your own issues that are making your relationship with your child or partner more difficult. Take care of yourself. Work hard at creating a support system for yourself. Seek professional help or other support if you need it. These things don't change on their own.Q&AQ: What about rigid thinkers?A: These are a high percentage of "exploders". These kids have difficulty with grayer aspects of life, such as problem-solving, social interactions, and unpredictable circumstances. Each of the three steps in Plan B can be quite useful in helping these children handle demands or flexibility and frustration tolerance more adaptively. The empathy step is crucial for these children, as they often over-react first with the realization that their rigid notions about how events should unfold will not be realized. Clarifying their concerns can create some wiggle room in the solution department. Ensure that you are exploring concerns, not that the child is giving you rigid solutions in the problem step. No matter how bizarre or illogical their concerns may be to you, they are not to the child. Entertaining their concerns and entering them into consideration can be very reassuring?to child who has become convinced that his concerns are never taken into account.?Define the Problem Step helps the child do something s/he's probably never been very good at: taking another person's concerns into account. S/he doesn't need to "care" about your concern, just take it into account.?Just helping a rigid, inflexible child simply hear someone else's concerns without instantaneously exploding is a major achievement!The Invitation Step helps the child do something else s/he's never been very good at: adjusting to the idea that there might be some shades of gray between black – and – white and a variety of ways to solve the problem aside from the way he had originally configured. Early on, this often requires?massive reassurance that the child's concern will be taken into account.Q: Can't my child hold it?together if he wants to? He only explodes at home, and never in school.A: This question just proves something we already know: explosions only occur under certain conditions. Schools have a few advantages over homes: the schedule is more predictable and there is less unstructured time; but the main advantage schools have is the embarrassment factor. Your child is keeping him/herself tightly wrapped at school because s/he doesn't want to embarrass him/herself; s/he can't keep that up for 24 hours a day!Q: How is it fair that this takes so much attention away from my other children?A: Parental attention is never distributed with 100% parity and parental priorities are never exactly the same for each child in any family. Fair does not mean equal. When siblings complain about disparities in parental expectations, it is an excellent opportunity to empathize and educate, to discuss that you are working on problem-solving with their sibling and helping them build skills. As always, try to ensure that each of your children is getting the time, attention and nurturing?they need from you.You can be a Plan B Facilitator to resolve disputes between siblings. It is often useful to do the Empathy step in separate discussions with both siblings prior to bringing them together to discuss potential solutions. Over time, as siblings of explosive children begin to feel that their concerns are also being heard, understood, and taken into account, they also begin to see their explosive sibling as more approachable and less terrifying.Be forewarned that, in some instances, the behaviour of siblings can begin to deteriorate just as the behaviour of the explosive brother or sister begins to improve. This is often a sign that the emotional needs of the sibling – which had been below the radar while the family dealt with the pressing issues of the explosive child – require a closer examination.?Siblings without Rivalry is a good read.What about schools?Lots of things can happen at school to fuel explosions outside of school: being teased by other kids, feeling socially isolated or rejected, feeling frustrated and embarrassed over struggles on?certain academic tasks, feeling misunderstood by the teacher, and homework, of course, which extends academic frustrations well beyond the end of the school day. So, schools still have a role to play in helping, even if they don't see the child at their worst.Plunging forward with academics when a kid is bogged down in behavioural challenges is usually an exercise in futility.What message does it give to students if we continue to apply interventions that aren't helping the child behave more adaptively?... That we're not sure how to help explosive children behave more adaptively.Traditional discipline protocols aren't the reason well –behaved students behave well; they behave well because they can. There is little good to show for the detentions, suspensions, and expulsions that are given out to children who are having difficulty handling the social, emotional, and behavioural expectations of school.In the same way that parents of well-behaved kids get more credit than they deserve for their kids' desirable behaviour, parents of explosive kids get more blame than they deserve for their kids' undesirable behaviour.Patience is a must! Reading disabilities don't resolve in a week. Neither do developmental disabilities of lagging skills.Teachers usually have different expectations for different children already. Some receive special reading help, while others are in a gifted math program. If a student is asking about disparity in treatment, it is an opportunity to educate: "everyone in our classroom gets what he or she needs. If someone needs help with something, we all try to help him or her. And everyone in our class needs something special." It's no different when a child needs help with flexibility, frustration tolerance, and problem-solving.Consequences should only be enforced if we believe they will help the child to control him/herself the next time s/he gets frustrated; otherwise, consequences are only likely to make him/her more frustrated.The key qualifications for helping kids with behavioural challenges are: an open mind, a willingness to reflect on one's current practices and see them in a new light, the courage to experiment with new practices, and the patience and resolve to become comfortable assessing lacking skills and unsolved problems and using Plan B.Kids do well if they can. Now you know what to do if they can't. ................
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