4. THE ENNEAGRAM AND CONFLICT MANAGEMENT.v4 - collaborative practice

THE ENNEAGRAM AND CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

9 PATTERNS AND 9 PATHWAYS

What is the Enneagram?

A dynamic model of the diversity and complexity of human nature Enneagram Type refers to qualities common to many people that distinguish them as an identifiable class

?Calling someone a "type" simply means that they are a member of this class We each reflect one Enneagram type more than others:

?We (non-consciously) tend to overuse one of the particular personality strategies that correlates to one of the nine points on the Enneagram diagram ?We also sometimes use strategies associated with other Enneagram points, but we don't habitually over-use them in ways that are unhelpful The Enneagram teaches that: ?While we are all unique individuals, we also tend to exhibit behavioral and attitudinal and motivational patterns that a broad subset of humanity shares with us ?To gain freedom from these patterns it helps to notice that we are the kind (or "type") of person who tends to fall into these traps in the first place

WHY THE ENNEAGRAM?

Although you and I may be in the same room at the same time with the same people ?We may assume we are having the same experience ?We are not having the same experience

Different types: a label for a clustered set of ways we can observe people think and behave

?Experience things differently ?React to experiences with predictable attitudes ?Bring predictable kinds of responses Why? ?Each type formed as it did because of individuals seeking something fundamental that was lacking ?The particular absence differs for each type ?If that something is unavailable there will be a reaction unlike the reaction of other types ?Each type thus acts certain ways as the strategy for getting the need met Enneagram provides perspective on type attitudes, behaviors and motivations--both productive and counterproductive ?Helps us avoid our own reactivity to others ?Helps us avoid judging them ?Helps us avoid taking it personally Opens doors to understanding, acceptance tolerance ?Of others ?Of ourselves Strengthens capacity to help resolve conflict: individually and on teams

Copyright 6/2019 Pauline H. Tesler

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Diving into the Nine Enneagram Types

I am an Enneagram Type Three: ?I have gotten better at seeing that I use certain adaptive strategies disproportionately ?Despite my best efforts I will always tend to over-rely on the adaptive strategies that I recognize as mine in the descriptions of Type Three habits, behaviors, strengths, challenges ?Because they are second nature, easy, comfortable

Identifying one's Eneagram Type means only that we have put a handy label onto a habituated pattern of thinking, feeling, behaving

?Purpose: train our mind to recognize that pattern more quickly in future ?Catch ourselves before we unintentionally feed conflict or misunderstanding We can't become a different type But we can stop overusing our habitual strategy where it leads to negative results And begin intentionally to build new habits that may produce better results Today, only a beginning taste of working with the Enneagram: the prerequisite to Enneagram 101 ? Get an overview of the nine types ? Not the complex deeper structure of Enneagram typology [subtypes, instincts, and much more]

"Self-awareness is the fundamental building block of the art of people....You can't understand and influence others until you fully understand yourself." "Over the course of my 20 years as an executive coach and consultant I've encountered a lot of personality models; none of them come close to the Enneagram in terms of real-world applicability and usefulness. "

Mario Sikora

9/28/2019

Copyright 6/2019 Pauline H. Tesler

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The Map Isn't The Territory

The Enneagram is a map. Maps are useful unless we confuse them with the territory, or believe that they are literally who we are Maps, including the Enneagram, are the proverbial finger pointing to the moon

?The finger directs our attention to the moon ?If we linger on the finger we miss the moon.

DIVIDE INTO GROUPS BY ENNEAGRAM TYPE

GO TO THE TABLE THAT HAS YOUR TYPE NUMBER TAPED IN THE MIDDLE IF THERE ARE MORE THAN EIGHT AT YOUR TABLE, MAKE A SECOND GROUP OF AT LEAST FOUR PEOPLE

Focus most of your attention today on your own Enneagram Type

?It is the only type you can confidently identify ?It is the only type you can use for development of deeper personal awareness and self-reflection

Look for insights into what you do and what motivates the behavior (what need the behavior might satisfy) Don't make it overly complicated: let it sit lightly Every type is intrinsically neither good nor bad

?Strengths ?Weaknesses ?Challenges ?Growth directions

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ENNEGRAM TYPE 1: STRIVING TO BE PERFECT

Chief asset or superpower: Precision ?Ones are precise and methodical in approach ?They can easily make clear, logical decisions

What Ones like in others: ?Competence ?Excellence ?Adherence to established principles and procedures

What Ones dislike in others: ?Emotionality ?Illogical thinking or behavior ?Rule-breaking

ENNEAGRAM TYPE 1:

STRENGTHS:

Logical Pragmatic Consistent Discreet Comfortable asserting themselves Rigorous without perfectionism High levels of self discipline Precise Hard-working

CHALLENGES--CAN BE:

Short-tempered Judgmental Accusatory Close-minded Rigid Stubborn Conflict generators ( by asserting strong opinions) Resistant to change Black-and-white thinkers Entirely unaware of how critical they seem to those around them

Type One approaches to problem solving:

What can go wrong will go wrong There is one and only one right way to do everything and I know what it is The world is imperfect and overcoming obstacles is a big part of life I know how things should be; my mission in life is to fix what's wrong We must be logical about this and do the right thing the right way

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How others see Ones:

OFTEN ARE: Rational Conscientious Ethical Proper, conventional Dependable Fair, even-handed Disciplined Discerning Confident Assertive Direct

BUT ALSO UNDER STRESS CAN SEEM:

Rigid, inflexible Critical Demanding Condescending Humorless Un-empathic Remote Dogmatic Standoffish Irritable Negative, pessimistic Resistant to change

The Blind Spot of Type One: Criticism

Ones often are unaware of their tendency toward criticism of others and the impact on relationships Believe they have a mission to set the world straight, that others perceive as nagging:

?"I know the one right way to do things." ? "I can improve myself, my environment, and others, if they'd only do it my way."

Believe their job is to fix the flaws they see around them Believe they are only being helpful by pointing out shortcomings of others and are surprised it is felt as criticism

ONES AT THEIR BEST:

Can readily create order and clarity

Shine at setting and following procedures

Exhibit self-awareness and self- control

Thrive when presented with difficult problems to solve

ONES AT THEIR MOST CHALLENGING:

Rigid Remote Strident Demanding Inflexible Uninspiring Pessimistic Focusing on what's wrong, not what's right Paralyzed by perfectionism: indecisive

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SELF-DEFEATING HABITS TO NOTICE:

Belief people should be valued solely on objectively measurable merits: working harder, scoring well on tests, honoring deadlines [not likeability, empathy, reliability, etc.] Resistance to change: I'm right, so it's you who has to change, no matter how much negative feedback I get Seeing the world in black-and-white: difficulty seeing life as complex and situational, and corresponding unwillingness to compromise or bend Being too serious: unwilling to relax or have fun, maintaining a stiff outer facade

GROWTH POINTS FOR TYPE ONE-- PRACTICE:

Notice your inner critic and tell it to take a break Relax and don't confuse workaholism with excellence Learn to cooperate, compromise, and yield; practice being reasonable Accept that things won't ever be perfect in your own eyes; learn what "good enough" looks like and learn to appreciate it Resist criticizing others. Look for grey areas instead of black and white; try to appreciate the other point of view; when you disagree with others, speak without judging

REFLECT:

IF YOU ARE A TYPE ONE:

?What do you resonate with in the characteristic strengths and challenges of this type? ?How might any of these strategies or behaviors contributed to your conflict story?

IF YOU ARE NOT A TYPE ONE:

?Does your personal conflict story involve a possible type 1? ?To what extent do you think type one behaviors in a collaborative colleague might trigger a negative reaction in you? ?Has that happened in a way that you recall? ?How did you respond? ?What did you want from that person that you didn't get?

Copyright 6/2019 Pauline H. Tesler

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ENNEAGRAM TYPE TWO: STRIVING FOR CONNECTION

Chief asset or superpower : Selflessness ?Unique capacity for empathy and understanding of others ?Skillful at reading emotional undercurrents ?Adept at providing just what others need

What Twos like in others: ?Friendliness ?Sharing feelings openly ?Emotionality

What Two's dislike in others: ?Coldness ?Emotional unavailability ?Unwillingness to reveal needs

ENNEAGRAM TYPE 2:

STRENGTHS:

Excellent in supporting roles Genuinely like to see others thrive and succeed (with their help) Tireless Strong advocates Protective of those they care about Cooperative and helpful Good at seeing other perspectives Like to help people get along

CHALLENGES---UNDER STRESS, CAN BE:

Aggressive Domineering Insincere Angry Histrionic Volatile Jealous Resistant to compromise

Type Two Approaches to Problem Solving:

I'm just fine; how can I help you? Things work out best when I use my energy to help others succeed. People who really appreciate what I do for them are more important than others and should get a larger share of my attention

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How Others See Twos

OFTEN ARE:

Helpful Concerned Dependable Expressive Engaging

BUT ALSO UNDER STRESS CAN SEEM: :

Overly emotional Intrusive or pushy Insincere flatterers Prideful Manipulative Angry

The Blind Spot of Type Two: Demandingness

Can be unaware of their tendency toward demandingness and the impact on relationships Demanding and expecting appreciation Sense of entitlement: I deserve special treatment because I do so much for others Pressuring or manipulating others to meet their needs without having to ask Disrespecting boundaries of others They can "give to get" without being aware of doing so

TWOS AT THEIR BEST:

Confident Likeable Optimistic Humorous Pleasant Spontaneous Open to other points of view Empathic Intuitive Attentive listeners Good interpersonal skills Adventurous Flexible Honest Persuasive Generous with praise Helpful

TWOS AT THEIR MOST CHALLENGING:

Unconscious of their own needs Unable to ask for help Avoid admitting to negative emotions Flatters, rumor-mongers Over-react to small things with rage or jealousy Disrespect personal boundaries of others Impulsive Put on a fa?ade to please others Resentful of others who don't appreciate them enough or reciprocate with generous help Problems recognizing own role in arguments or disagreements Aggressively angry during disputes

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