“Makers of a Lost Cause”



“Makers of a Lost Cause”

By Alex Hajna

ACT ONE

The episode opens after the theme song with PETER and BRIAN watching TV. On the TV is the news, with TOM TUCKER and DIANNE SIMMONS reporting about film auditions in Quahog.

TOM

Good evening, I’m Tom Tucker.

DIANNE

And I’m Dianne Simmons. Next week Quahog will be honored to

have the famous filmmaker, Steven Spielberg, in town.

TOM

That’s right, Dianne. He will be holding auditions for his

next movie, “Indiana Jones 5.”

CUT TO-Peter watching TV.

PETER

Aw sweet! Maybe I could audition for the role of Indiana

Jones!

BRIAN

Peter, Harrison Ford is Indiana Jones.

PETER

Yeah, well I bet ya I could beat him to it.

BRIAN

You really think you can beat Harrison Ford, the guy who’s

been playing Indiana Jones for over 20 years, in an audition

for a movie when you‘ve never acted before in your life?

PETER

What are you talkin’ about? I’ve acted before. Remember

when I got that part in “the Wizard of Oz”?

FLASHBACK.

PETER’s face is on a tree and the SCARECROW and DOROTHY are picking apples.

SCARECROW

Eh, we don’t want any from this tree, Dorothy. It probably

has little green worms.

PETER

Oh yeah?

PETER takes an apple off of one of his branches and throws it at the SCARECROW. The SCARECROW falls down and PETER continues to throw them at him.

DOROTHY

Stop it!

PETER

(continuing to chuck apples at SCARECROW)

Shut up, bitch.

END FLASHBACK.

CUT TO-PETER walks into the living room where BRIAN’s watching TV. He has a baseball cap and a backpack on.

PETER

Well I’m leavin’ for the audition now.

BRIAN

Wow, you’re really going through with this, aren’t you?

PETER

(leaving)

Yep. See ya later!

BRIAN

Well good luck…

PETER walks out the door.

CUT TO-STEWIE walks up to BRIAN, who is sleeping on the couch with the newspaper over his face.

STEWIE

Brian? Brian. Brian? Brian. Brian? Brian. Brian?

Brian. Oh, god. This is more pointless then that time I

went on a run with Forrest Gump.

FLASHBACK.

A very large group of people are following FORREST GUMP on his run. FORREST stop and everyone stops with him. He turns around and, after a long pause, speaks.

FORREST

I--I think I’ll go home now.

The CROWD begins to mutter angrily and after about five seconds of muttering STEWIE breaks through the crowd and runs up to FORREST. He jumps up and punches him in the nose, causing him to fall very fast.

STEWIE

We came all this way! Come on, everybody, let’s keep going!

The CROWD catches up with STEWIE ad they all continue to run, trampling over FORREST.

END FLASHBACK.

STEWIE is still standing there, waiting for BRIAN to wake up. He grabs the newspaper that’s on top of BRIAN, rolls it up, and hits BRIAN on the nose with it. BRIAN jumps up and flees into the corner of the room, ears back, whining like a dog.

BRIAN

Oh jeeze, Stewie. Don’t do that!

STEWIE

Sorry, dog. Take me to the park.

BRIAN

What? No.

STEWIE

(whining)

Come on…

BRIAN

Get Lois to take you. I’m exhausted.

STEWIE

From what? You don’t do anything!

BRIAN

For your information, I went to the gym today.

FLASHBACK.

BRIAN is sitting on a bench, smoking, watching a hot blonde on the elliptical as her boobs bounce up and down. A gay GUY comes up to him.

GUY

Uhm…you can’t smoke in here.

BRIAN looks at the gay GUY and then walks out.

END FLASHBACK.

STEWIE

(yelling)

I want to go to the park! I want to go to the park! I want to go to the park!

BRIAN

Alright, alright. Let me get my keys.

CUT TO-BRIAN and STEWIE in the car.

STEWIE

Hey Brian…

BRIAN

(with attitude)

What?

STEWIE

(whispers)

Thank you.

CUT TO-BRIAN sitting on the bench next to MOTHER as STEWIE plays in the sandbox. The mother has a purse sitting next to her. BRIAN tries to make conversation.

BRIAN

Nice weather we’re having…

The MOTHER just looks at BRIAN and smiles. Suddenly, a man runs by and snatches the MOTHER’s purse.

MOTHER

Huh! Somebody stop him! He’s got my purse!

BRIAN runs after him and yells for him to stop, but the THEIF only turns around and shoots BRIAN in the leg. STEWIE hears the gunshot, looks up, and sees that it’s BRIAN that got shot.

STEWIE

Huh! Brian!

STEWIE runs over to BRIAN, who is lying on the ground in pain.

STEWIE

(tearing up)

Shh…shh. There, there. It’s gonna be okay.

STEWIE hugs BRIAN and hold him for a few seconds. He then looks up at the sky.

STEWIE

(yelling and shaking his fist)

Damn you all! You’ll all pay!

CAMERA pans out from STEWIE holding BRIAN.

CUT TO-PETER sitting in a chair in a room waiting to be called. He says something to the guy next to him.

PETER

Jeeze, this is more boring then that clown I had at my

birthday.

FLASHBACK.

PETER, at his present age, is sitting in a circle with a bunch of kids watching a clown pop a balloon. The kids laugh, but PETER sits there with no emotions on his face.

PETER

Not funny.

The clown gets on a unicycle and the kids laugh, but PETER remains emotionless.

PETER

You are not funny, sir.

The clown gets off the unicycle and you can see the littlest bit of his underwear. The kids continue to laugh at the clown, and PETER, seeing the clown’s underwear cracks a smile. He tries to hold back a laugh, but he just bursts out laughing. He laughs and laughs to the point where it becomes annoying. The kids have stopped laughing and PETER continues to laugh. His laughing eventually begins to die down, and he stops, and takes a deep breath.

PETER

(completely serious)

You’re not funny.

PETER walks out of the room.

END FLASHBACK.

PETER is still sitting in the chair and he gets called.

WOMAN

Peter Griffin?

PETER

(gets up and walks up to the WOMAN)

That’s me.

WOMAN

Through those doors.

PETER walks through the doors and into the auditioning room. There are three people looking at him, one being Steven Spielberg, another being George Lucas, and the third being a random lady.

GEORGE

Hello, Peter. Whenever you’re ready.

PETER

Holy crap! Steven Spielberg and George Lucas! You guys are

awesome!

GEORGE

Well, Peter…the part is yours.

PETER

What?

STEVEN

Since you think we’re so awesome, we’re going to give you

the part.

PETER

Holy crap, really? Man, this is more surprising than the time I met Colonel Sanders at KFC.

FLASHBACK.

PETER is shaking the colonel’s hand, but the colonel is a black man. However, everything else about him looks exactly like the real Colonel Sanders.

PETER

Wow.

END FLASHBACK.

CUT TO-PETER walks into the house where LOIS is folding laundry and BRIAN is watching TV.

PETER

I got the part, everybody!

LOIS

(excitedly)

Ooohh…I’m married to a star!

LOIS throws herself at PETER and they begin to make out.

STEWIE helps BRIAN into the house.

STEWIE

Ugh, god…get a room!

LOIS

Peter got the part, Brian. Oh my god. What happened?

BRIAN

(widens his eyes)

Oh, I got sh--wait--seriously?

PETER

Yep! I walked in and they just gave it to me.

BRIAN

Wha--seriously? They just gave it to you?

PETER

Yeah.

BRIAN

Peter, there’s no way you---how?

PETER

I was born to play this role, that’s why!

LOIS and PETER continue to make out. BRIAN and STEWIE continue to walk and LOIS and PETER fall on top of BRIAN and don’t realize it. STEWIE stands there, watching them make out on top of BRIAN.

STEWIE

Ooo, that had to hurt…

CUT.

ACT TWO

CUT TO-Peter walks downstairs with an Indiana Jones costume on.

PETER

Hello, everybody!

LOIS

Peter, what are you doing in your costume? You don’t start

filming till tomorrow.

PETER

If I’m going to play the character, I must become the character, Lois.

LOIS

Okay…hey Peter could you get me the sugar?

PETER

(small laugh)

Sure thing, Lois.

PETER uses his whip to get the sugar but only ends up knocking it over.

PETER

Aw, jeeze, I’ll get that.

PETER uses his whip to get a towel but ends up knocking it onto the stove, which is on, causing it to catch fire. He then uses his whip to get a glass of water, but ends up knocking it over, spilling it, and breaking the glass. In the end, the entire kitchen is basically destroyed.

PETER

(very long pause, looking at the mess)

You gonna clean that up?

CUT TO-PETER’s first day on the set with a woman adjusting his hat. She walks away and they begin shooting. SHIA LEBOUF is there, as well.

STEVEN

Action!

PETER

The time has come, Mutt. Hold on, hold on. Seriously? Why

is his name Mutt? You got cool names like Indiana and Boba

Fett and then you just throw Mutt in there? Jeeze. That’s

worse than the time Mr. Potato head found out his wife was

cheatin’ on her!

FLASHBACK.

MR. POTATO HEAD is in the delivery room with MRS. POTATO HEAD as she’s giving birth. She’s screaming and being told to push when the baby pops out and, to their surprise, looks like a head of broccoli. MR. POTATO HEAD looks at it, looks up at MRS. POTATO HEAD, looks back at the baby, and then looks back up at MRS. POTATO HEAD, all in complete silence. Finally, MR. POTATO HEAD breaks the silence.

MR. POTATO HEAD

(angrily)

Oh, you gotta be f*ckin’ kiddin’ me!

END FLASHBACK.

CUT TO-People on the set sitting around, talking and eating, when PETER comes up with his whip and starts whipping everyone.

PETER

Come on! No sitting around! We have a movie to make!

Let’s go! Kya! Kya!

CUT TO-PETER walks into a room where STEVEN SPIELBERG and GEORGE LUCAS are sitting.

PETER

What’s the mater, guys?

GEORGE

Peter, maybe you’d like to sit down.

PETER sits down.

STEVEN

We’re going to have to let you go.

PETER

What? What are you talkin’ about? I’m the greatest Indiana

Jones this world has ever seen!

GEORGE

I love you, too, Peter, but the thing is…you’re a meany.

STEVEN

You aren’t the boss, here, Peter.

PETER

Don’t call me Junior, dad, I hate it when you call me Junior.

STEVEN

You’re fired.

PETER

Well who’s gonna replace me, Harrison Ford?

STEVEN

Actually, we’ve hired Adam West.

ADAM WEST walks in dressed as Indiana Jones.

ADAM

Hello, fellow actor.

PETER runs out of the room crying.

ADAM

It smells like up dog in here.

GEORGE

What’s up dog?

ADAM

(laughing ridiculously)

Gotchya! You fell for it!

CUT TO-PETER running into his house crying. He runs over to the couch where Meg is sitting on the couch. He runs up, pushes her off, lays on the couch with his head in the arm of the sofa, and continues to cry.

MEG

Fatass!

MEG runs out of the room and LOIS comes in.

LOIS

Peter, what’s the matter?

PETER continues to cry and mumble something that is misunderstood because his face in in the arm of the sofa.

LOIS

(comforting)

Hmm?

PETER mumbles.

LOIS

Peter, I can’t understand you.

PETER mumbles.

LOIS

Peter, stop crying and tell me what happened.

PETER turns over and sits up.

LOIS

What’s the matter?

PETER

I was fired!

LOIS

Wh--why?

PETER

They replaced me with Adam West!

PETER starts to cry again. He runs to the stairs, falls on the steps, gets up and runs upstairs. You hear the door slam.

CUT TO-PETER walks into the kitchen where LOIS, STEWIE, and BRIAN are eating breakfast. He knocks over a chair.

BRIAN

(looking up from his newspaper)

Oh, uh…good morning, Peter.

PETER takes BRIAN’s newspaper, crumbles it up, and throws it out the window.

BRIAN

Uhm, yeah…I was actually---I was reading that. [pause]

I’ll go get it.

BRIAN uses his crutches to go get his newspaper.

LOIS

Peter, that wasn’t very nice.

PETER flips the table over and STEWIE just freezes and widens his eyes.

STEWIE

You uh…you wanna tell me what the hell that was for?

LOIS

Peter, stop it.

PETER crosses his arms and turns away from LOIS.

LOIS

Peter, I know you’re upset but that’s no reason to act this way.

MEG walks in.

MEG

Hey, dad.

PETER picks up the chair he knocked over and hits MEG over the head with it, knocking her out. He picks her up, walks out to the garage, throws her into the garbage can, and returns to the kitchen.

LOIS

Peter!

PETER

Lois, come on, someone had to do that.

LOIS

You need to stop taking your anger out on everyone.

PETER

I’m sorry, Lois. But I’m upset. More upset than the time I

saw Rosie O’Donnell in Grease.

FLASHBACK.

PETER is in the audience of Grease on Broadway, and Rosie O’Donnell is singing and dancing just horribly.

PETER

Well this sucks…

END FLASHBACK.

PETER and LOIS are standing in the kitchen as they were and MEG walks in with dirt all over her and her glasses broken.

MEG

(breathing heavily)

You are such a---

Before she can finish her sentence, PETER knocks her out with the same chair and takes her out to the garbage in the garage again. He returns to the kitchen, where LOIS is standing with her arms crossed.

PETER

(out of breath)

That guy’s such a pain in the ass.

CUT TO-BRIAN getting his newspaper from outside. He can’t bend over due to his crutches. STEWIE runs up and grabs it for him.

STEWIE

We’ve got to catch that theif, Brian.

BRIAN

What are you talking about? He shot me! I can’t go chasing

him.

STEWIE

No, Brian.

CLOSEUP on STEWIE’s eyes. STEWIE makes a stern look.

STEWIE

You must train me.

CUT TO-A montage of BRIAN training STEWIE as “You Know My Name“ by Chris Cornell plays. At the end of the montage, STEWIE and BRIAN are in a dark room, standing opposite each other. STEWIE is holding a pistol, and BRIAN is holding a target board.

BRIAN

Okay, Stewie. For your last test, you have to curve the bullet.

STEWIE

What?! I c--I can’t--

BRIAN

Just do it!

STEWIE points the gun at the target, then does what the kid does in “Wanted” when he curves the bullet. The bullet is seen in slow motion going toward the target, then toward BRIAN’s leg. The bullet hits BRIAN in the opposite knee in which he got shot last time. Once the bullet hits BRIAN, the slow motion ends. BRIAN falls to the ground screaming. STEWIE runs up.

STEWIE

Oh my god, Brian! Brian, are you okay?

STEWIE drops the gun and it goes off, shooting BRIAN in the shoulder. BRIAN screams and hold his shoulder.

BRIAN

Oh my god!

STEWIE

Brian, I’m so sorry!

BRIAN

Get out!

CUT.

ACT THREE

CUT TO-PETER walking into the bedroom with a scruffy beard, messed up hair, and bags under his eyes.

LOIS

Oh my god, Peter, you look horrible!

PETER

I’ve got nothing to live for, anymore, Lois.

LOIS

What are you talking about? Just because you lost the part?

You’ve got to get over it, Peter.

PETER

It’s not just about the part, Lois. It’s about the

character. I’ve let him down, Lois.

LOIS

No you didn’t, Peter. You were a better Indiana Jones than

Harrison Ford ever was.

PETER

You’re right! I didn’t let the character down! It’s not

about being in the movie! I have to keep the character

going!

PETER runs out of the room and about two seconds later he comes back dressed as Indiana Jones.

PETER

I’ve got to be Indiana Jones!

PETER runs downstairs. On his way, he uses his whip to swing on a ceiling fan, but he pulls it out of the ceiling and falls. He gets up almost instantly and runs out the door.

CUT TO-BRIAN sitting at the kitchen table with his feet up on another chair. He’s reading the newspaper.

STEWIE

Brian? Brian. Brian. Brian. Brian.

BRIAN

(with anger and attitude)

Oh, for God sakes, Stewie, what do you want?

STEWIE

Yeah, listen, I’m really sorry for shooting you.

BRIAN goes back to reading his newspaper.

BRIAN

Uh-huh.

STEWIE

Oh well that doesn’t sound like you forgive me at all!

BRIAN

Piss off.

STEWIE

But I--I--oh fine.

STEWIE walks away and we follow him out of the room as talks to himself.

STEWIE

I’m gonna get this theif. Nobody does this to my dog!

CUT TO-PETER walking down the street, doing minor, but destructive things to help people. He sees a piece of glass that a biker is about to run over so he runs up and pushes the biker off his bike.

BIKER

What the hell, man?!

PETER

I just saved your life, sir, you should be thanking me.

BIKER

What? How did you just save my life?! You just pushed me

off of my bike and into the street! I could have gotten run

over by a car and killed!

PETER

(pauses and stares)

I just saved you from running over that piece of glass.

PETER points to the piece of glass.

BIKER

Oh.

BIKER becomes thankful, runs up to PETER and shakes his hand like crazy.

BIKER

Thank you! Thank you so much! Hey, everybody…this guy just

saved my life!

A muttering crowd gathers around PETER.

CUT TO-STEWIE walking down the street talking to himself.

STEWIE

Okay, theif…where are you? Where are you?

STEWIE hears a scream and turns to where it came from. It just so happens that the same theif is stealing an old woman’s purse across the street.

STEWIE

(shocked and surprised)

Whoa, what are the odds!

STEWIE runs into the street and someone yells.

WOMAN

Oh my god, that baby’s going into the middle of the street!

PETER hears this and sees STEWIE going into the middle of the street.

PETER

Oh my god! Stewie!

PETER uses his whip to snatch STEWIE just before he gets hit by a bus. When PETER puts him down, STEWIE runs off again.

STEWIE

I’ve got to stop that man!

PETER sees the man running with the purse and runs ahead of STEWIE. He runs and tackles the man. He gets off of him, and a crowd gathers around PETER and the THEIF. They glare at each other from about ten feet away. The THEIF makes a scene by getting in a stance [reference to “Raiders of the Lost Ark”]. PETER takes out his gun and shoots the guy. The guy falls and there’s a moment of silence before everybody cheers. STEWIE runs up and kicks the dead THEIF.

STEWIE

You--you killed him. But I--wanted to--

PETER picks up STEWIE.

PETER

(happily)

Come on, Stewie, let’s go home.

STEWIE

(sarcastically)

Yes…yes, let’s tell Lois you shot a man and killed him.

CUT TO-PETER walks into the house with STEWIE and LOIS, CHRIS, MEG, and BRIAN are watching TV.

PETER

Hi everybody!

STEWIE jumps out of PETER’s arms and runs to BRIAN. He hugs him.

STEWIE

It’s over! It’s all over! We’re safe!

BRIAN pushes STEWIE off of him.

BRIAN

Safe from what? What are you talking about?

STEWIE

The theif, Brian. He’s dead! The fat man killed him!

BRIAN widens his eyes and looks to PETER.

BRIAN

Whoa, whoa, wait…Peter, you killed a guy?

PETER

Yeah. How’d you know?

BRIAN

Stewie just told me.

There is a short pause where everyone looks at each other, and then all but STEWIE and BRIAN burst out laughing.

PETER

(laughing)

Yeah right! Stewie told you!

LOIS

(laughing)

He’s a year old, Brian! He can hardly even say “mommy”.

STEWIE and BRIAN look at each other in absolute confusion and amazement.

STEWIE

They--they can’t understand me?

BRIAN

I--I don’t know.

LOIS

(running short of breath)

I-I-I can’t believe you--you--

LOIS can’t even finish her sentence because she’s laughing so hard.

PETER

(stops laughing)

Wait…then how did he know I killed that guy?

Everyone stops laughing.

CUT.

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