RATIONALE FOR PROGRAM
Lighting the way to a better future
A domestic violence prevention program for churches
A Guide for Community Domestic Violence Team Members
Natalie Ames
Assistant Professor/Project Coordinator
Department of Social Work
North Carolina State University
Tina U. Hancock
Professor
Department of Social Work
North Carolina State University
Andrew O. Behnke
Assistant Professor
Department of Family & Consumer Sciences
North Carolina State University
Malissa Streett
Project Assistant
Dawn Iglesias
Project Assistant
Sara L. Vera
Student Assistant
Spanish translation
Laura B. Price
Trainer
Funding for this project provided by
Z. Smith Reynolds Foundation
and
North Carolina State University Faculty Research and Professional Development Fund
November 2008
Z. SMITH REYNOLDS FOUNDATION, INC.
A BRIEF HISTORY
The Z. Smith Reynolds Foundation was established in 1936 as a memorial to the youngest son of the founder of R.J.. Reynolds Tobacco Company. In that year the brother and two sisters of Z. Smith Reynolds, R.J. Reynolds, Jr., Mary Reynolds Babcock, and Nancy Susan Reynolds Bagley, provided that their inheritance from his estate would go to the establishment of a trust for the benefit of the people of North Carolina. One of the initial trustees of the Foundation was Z. Smith Reynolds' uncle, William Neal Reynolds, who at his death in 1951 created a trust that now provides a portion of the Foundation's annual income.
In its history, the Foundation, as the beneficiary of the income from the Zachary Smith Reynolds Trust and the W.N. Reynolds Trust, has now made grants totaling more than $423 million to recipients in all of North Carolina's l00 counties. The Foundation currently gives special attention to certain focus areas: community economic development; the environment; democracy and civic engagement; pre-collegiate education; and social justice and equity.
ln 1986 the Foundation, as a part of its fiftieth anniversary observance, established the Nancy Susan Reynolds Awards to recognize people who have made a difference in leadership in their communities and have gone largely unrecognized. Also, in May of 1989 the Foundation's Board of Trustees established a sabbatical program to reward individual leaders in nonprofit organizations who have made exceptional commitments of time, talent, and energy to their positions.
May 2008
May 2008
Table of Contents
Introduction 1
Part 1: Project overview 1
Profile of Hispanics/Latinos in NC 1
Project Rationale 1
Human service providers and the Hispanic/Latino population 2
Immigration law 3
Churches as a resource for domestic violence 3
The role of county domestic violence teams 4
County domestic violence team role expectations 4
Project staff role/expectations 4
Part 2: Domestic violence and Hispanic families 5
An overview of domestic violence 5
Definitions of domestic violence 6
Effects of domestic violence on women and children 7
Domestic violence and alcohol and other drugs 8
Intervention with substance-abusing batterers 8
Hispanic cultural values and domestic violence 9
Extended family 10
Part 3: Working with Hispanic/Latino Pastors: Cultural considerations 12
Part 4: Issues you may confront with pastors 15
Conservative religious and cultural beliefs about gender roles 15
The importance of maintaining the family unit 15
Pastors’ personal experience with abuse 16
Part 5: Planning your training 17
Suggestions for finding pastors 17
Determining participants’ preferences 17
Requesting manuals for your training sessions 17
Developing your team 18
Assessing individual team members’ strengths 18
Assessing team strengths 20
Preliminary planning 22
Developing a training workshop plan 23
Part 6: Educational resources for church-sponsored programs 24
Managing anger 25
El Manejo de la Ira (Managing Anger) 28
General parenting guidelines 32
Instrucciones Generales Para Los Padres (General parenting guidelines) 34
Parental Communication 36
La Comunicación Entre Los Padres (Parental Communication) 39
Parent/Child Communication 42
La Communicación Entre Padres e Hijos (Parent/Child Communication) 49
Stress Management for Parents 56
Manejando el Estrés (Stress Management for Parents) 60
References 65
Lighting the way to a better future
A domestic violence prevention program for churches
Introduction
This guide is designed to prepare community partners to implement a program created for Hispanic/Latino pastors. The program’s goal is to give these church leaders the background and preparation they need in order to offer variety of domestic violence prevention and intervention activities in their churches and communities.
The term lay minister, as used in this guide, refers to pastors who do not have formal seminary training. They may be the only pastor of a small church or, in larger churches, they may assist the formally trained pastor with planning and leading church-sponsored activities.
Part 1
Project overview
A profile of Hispanics/Latinos in North Carolina
North Carolina has one of the fastest growing Hispanic/Latino populations in the United States. In 2006, the U.S. Census Bureau estimated that approximately 6.7% of North Carolina residents were of Hispanic/Latino origin. Between 1990 and 2007, thirty-four North Carolina counties had increases in their Hispanic/Latino populations that exceeded 1000 percent. Nearly two-thirds of these individuals are foreign-born. The majority of Hispanic/Latino immigrants in the Southeast have been in the U.S. five to seven years or less, and are young with little formal education. Many are low-skilled, undocumented, and employed in low wage work that often involves exhausting, dirty, and/or dangerous physical labor.
This population is very diverse, originating from many different countries, but they share important commonalities. These include connection with the Spanish language, strong family relationships, and a strong family orientation. The current wave of Hispanic/Latino immigration has brought many benefits to North Carolina including significant economic contributions. It has also brought challenges to public and social service providers. Over 27% of North Carolina’s Hispanics/Latinos live in poverty compared to 25% of African Americans and 8.5% of non-Hispanic whites. The high Hispanic/Latino poverty rate is significant because research indicates that people whose income falls below the poverty line have poorer physical and mental health, poorer nutrition, and are at higher risk for substance abuse and domestic violence than the population as a whole.
Project rationale
There is a lack of culturally competent and accessible domestic violence services in North Carolina, especially in the rural areas where many Hispanic/Latino immigrants live. Even where such services exist, Hispanic/Latina immigrant women are reluctant to seek assistance. One significant reason for this is that intensified immigration enforcement has increased fears about deportation. As a result, churches may be one of the few places where immigrant families feel safe seeking help with domestic violence.
This project targets church leaders who are part of the Hispanic/Latino community because they understand the community's cultural values and are more likely than "outsiders" to be trusted. They represent an untapped resource for preventing and stopping domestic violence, protecting women, and helping men become more effective family leaders. However, while these church leaders may be in a position to assist families experiencing domestic violence, research indicates they may not have the knowledge, attitudes or skills to do so constructively and to protect the most vulnerable members of these families.
The goal of Lighting the Way to a Better Future (Iluminado el Camino para un Futuro Mejor) is to provide Hispanic/Latino pastors with tools that will help them to protect women from domestic violence and help men become constructive family leaders. The project is based on existing research and practice evidence. It uses best practice strategies for working with Hispanic/Latino communities. These include cultural empowerment strategies for motivating communities such as involving local bilingual/bicultural professionals and paraprofessionals and providing support to groups and individuals. This project uses an intervention model based on Hispanic/Latino values of family, respect, loyalty, and cooperation and is designed to provide community-based interventions that build upon the strengths of the Hispanic/Latino family. We believe it has the potential to reach an at-risk population that does not currently seek or have access to domestic violence services.
Human services providers and the Hispanic/Latino population
Many local social services agencies are struggling to meet the need for bilingual services such as parenting classes, substance abuse treatment, and domestic violence intervention. These problems are especially acute in rural areas where there may be few existing human services agencies and resources. Hispanic/Latino families who experience domestic violence are unlikely to seek help voluntarily from existing community agencies because of language barriers and lack of trust in those agencies.
An additional challenge facing human services agencies is that federal laws restrict some programs and services to undocumented people. They are not eligible for programs such as Medicaid, Work First, North Carolina Health Choice (the State Children’s Health Insurance Program), unemployment insurance, and the Women Infants and Children program. If human services professionals have no contact with undocumented families, it increases the likelihood that domestic violence will go undetected. When Hispanic/Latino families do become clients of county Departments of Human Services, it is usually involuntarily through Child Protective Services or referrals made by local court systems. The majority of agencies do not have enough bilingual staff members available to work with Spanish-speaking clients who are mandated to receive services, and in many counties such services are non-existent.
Immigration law and the Hispanic/Latino community
A 2003 study by the North Carolina Institute of Medicine found that nearly two-thirds of all Hispanics/Latinos in the state were foreign-born. Of those, 58.3% were not citizens. Among families with undocumented members, there is a great deal of fear, distrust, and uncertainty toward law enforcement, social services, and government officials. This fear is based on both founded and unfounded conclusions about law enforcement officials’ obligations and authority to act when individuals are undocumented.
The implementation of the 287(g) program of the Immigration and Nationality Act in North Carolina has heightened fears in the immigrant community. Illegal status is a federal crime, and as such, does not fall within the jurisdiction of state and local law enforcement. However, the 287(g) program authorizes local officers, whose law enforcement agencies participate, to check the immigration status of community members and turn them over to Immigration, Customs, and Enforcement (ICE) to be deported. Prior to 287(g), state and local law enforcement agencies could not stop a person based solely on doubt or suspicion regarding that individual’s legal status. Now they can, and the North Carolina Sheriff’s Association has received funds to implement the 287(g) program. As of fall, 2008, the following eight North Carolina counties were participating in the 287(g) Program: Alamance, Cabarrus, Cumberland, Durham, Gaston, Henderson, Mecklenburg, and Wake.
While the purpose of the 287(g) Program is to enforce greater homeland security measures, it has the potential to be very destructive to the security of the Hispanic/Latino community. Many rumors surround the activities of Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) and the implementation of the 287(g) Program. One result of the widely publicized activities of ICE officials, and the manner in which they carry out their duties, has been to increase fear of the very community service personnel who are supposed to represent safety and security: law enforcement, social services providers, emergency responders, and hospital personnel. The danger is that people who fear the authorities will not seek the assistance in emergency and crisis situations, or when they are witnesses to or victims of a crime, including the crime of domestic violence.
Churches as a resource for domestic violence prevention and intervention
Hispanics/Latinos are traditionally Catholic. However, evangelical, theologically conservative Protestant churches are attracting increasing numbers of Hispanic/Latino immigrants in the rural Southeast. In 2002 (the most recent year for which this statistic is available), the North Carolina Council of Churches, estimated there were approximately 200 Spanish-speaking churches throughout the state. These congregations provide more than spiritual support for members. They are gathering places where people can share their mutual values of family unity, hard work, and religious faith along with their experiences, struggles, and dreams of a better future.
Most rural Hispanic/Latino churches do not have full time staff. Their pastors often have no formal seminary training. However, these church leaders or lay ministers are respected and trusted members of their communities. Engaging them in domestic violence prevention and intervention activities has the potential to avert problems that may result if domestic violence escalates to a level that brings families to the attention of the law enforcement and judicial systems. Hispanic/Latino pastors who are educated about domestic violence prevention and intervention, and who have the support of community partners, could be a tremendous resource for families in their congregations and communities who are experiencing domestic violence and who may have no other viable source of help.
The role of county domestic violence teams
This project will serve as a critical resource to educate and mentor pastors who are willing to address the problems of domestic violence in their congregations and communities. Its success depends on the involvement of professionals and paraprofessionals who are willing to recruit, train and mentor Hispanic/Latino pastors. The project provides local teams of human services professionals with a tool to increase access to domestic violence services for Hispanic/Latino families who might not otherwise receive those services. Local teams will help Hispanic/Latino church leaders develop the knowledge, skills, and attitudes they need to address domestic violence prevention and intervention in their congregations and communities.
County domestic violence team role/expectations
• Locate churches with Spanish-speaking congregations.
• Contact local Hispanic/Latino pastors to assess their interest.
• Plan and implement at least one pastor training session.
• Provide pastors with team members’ contact information and areas of expertise for post-training support and consultation.
• Serve as a resource to pastors (e.g., to answer their questions, direct them to community resources)
• Provide project staff at NC State with dates of your training(s) and pastors’ contact information (send to DawnIglesias@chass.ncsu.edu).
Project staff role/expectations
• Train local domestic violence teams to work with pastors.
• Provide pastor training manuals for scheduled trainings.
• Answer local team members’ questions about planning and implementing pastor training sessions.
• Conduct follow-up evaluation of pastors’ use of materials.
Part 2
Domestic violence and Hispanic families
The purpose of this section is to provide reference material on domestic violence, an overview of its impact on families, and information about cultural values that may influence Hispanic/Latino pastors and their congregations and communities.
An overview of domestic violence
Domestic violence, both verbal and physical, affects one in four women and one in thirteen men. Victims often experience isolation, fear, shame, and lack of awareness. These issues are intensified for Hispanic/Latino women. Inability to speak English can increase their isolation. Fear of deportation or loss of their children, as well as the cultural values of family and privacy, can impede their willingness to reach out for help. Because of cultural and language barriers, they may have little awareness of services and agencies that could help them.
Domestic violence is a pervasive problem in the United States as the statistics below indicate:
• Approximately 1.3 million women and 835,000 men are physically assaulted by an intimate partner annually.
• Intimate partner violence made up 20% of all nonfatal violent crimes against women in 2001.
• In 2000, 1,247 women and 440 men were killed by an intimate partner. In recent years, intimate partners killed approximately 33% of female murder victims and 4% of male murder victims.
• North Carolina domestic violence homicide statistics are among the highest in the nation. In 2000, a total of 81 North Carolinians died from domestic abuse. Nearly 15 percent of these cases were among Hispanic/Latino couples.
• Recent research suggests that abuse rates among Hispanic/Latino families in rural areas in the south may be significantly higher than the national average and that domestic violence is a serious health problem for this population.
• One study of pregnant women found that Hispanics/Latinas were the most likely of any ethnic group to report physical abuse (12.6 percent Latina vs. 5.2 percent Caucasian) in the past 12 months. Other studies report a prevalence of domestic violence as high as 50% -70% among Hispanic/Latina immigrants.
• Access to firearms greatly increases the risk of intimate partner violence. Research suggests that abusers who possess guns tend to inflict the most severe abuse on their partners.
• Nearly half of all violent crimes committed against family members are crimes against spouses.
• Research indicates that 84% of spouse abuse victims are females, and 86% of victims of dating partner abuse at are female.
• Wives are more likely than husbands to be killed by their spouses; wives were about half of all spouses in the population in 2002, but made up 81% of all persons killed by their spouses.
• 48% of Latinas in one study reported that their partner's violence against them had increased since they immigrated to the United States.
• Slightly more than half of female domestic violence victims live in households with children under age 12. It is estimated that between 3.3 million and 10 million children witness domestic violence annually.
• Fifty-six percent of women who experience any partner violence are diagnosed with a psychiatric disorder. Twenty-nine percent of all women who attempt suicide are battered; 37% of battered women have symptoms of depression, 46% have symptoms of anxiety disorder, and 45% experience post-traumatic stress disorder.
Definitions of domestic violence
Domestic violence includes physical violence, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, intimidation, economic deprivation, and threats of violence. The relationships that most state domestic violence laws define as necessary for a charge of domestic assault or abuse include spouse or former spouse, persons who currently live together or who have lived together within the previous year, or persons who share a common child.
Definitions of criminal violence include physical assault (hitting, pushing, shoving, etc.), sexual abuse (unwanted or forced sexual activity), and stalking. Although emotional, psychological and financial abuse are not criminal behaviors, they are forms of abuse and can lead to criminal violence.
Violence by a man against his wife or intimate partner is often a way for a man to control "his woman.” Although domestic violence can occur between gay and lesbian couples, and by women against their male partners, by far the most common form is male violence against women. Types of violence include:
• Common couple violence (CCV) which is not connected to general control behavior, but arises in a single argument where one or both partners physically lash out at the other.
• Intimate terrorism (IT) which can also involve emotional and psychological abuse. It is one element in a general pattern of control by one partner over the other. It is more common than common couple violence, more likely to escalate over time, not as likely to be mutual, and more likely to involve serious injury.
• Violent resistance (VR), which is sometimes interpreted as "self-defense," is usually violence perpetrated by women against their abusive partners.
• Mutual violent control (MVC) which is a rare type of intimate partner violence that occurs when both partners use violence to battle for control.
• Situational couple violence which arises out of conflicts that escalate to arguments and then to violence. It is not connected to a general pattern of control. Although it occurs less frequently in relationships, and is less serious than intimate terrorism, it can be frequent and quite serious, even life-threatening.
Although domestic violence is sometimes explained as the result of the abuser losing control, many batterers do exhibit control over the nature and extent of their physical violence. They may direct their assaults to parts of their partners' bodies that are covered by clothing so that any injuries will not be seen by others. Conversely, some batterers purposefully target their partners' faces to compel isolation or to disfigure them so that "no one else will want them." Batterers can often describe their personal limits for physical abuse. They may explain that while they have slapped their partners with an open hand, they would never punch them with their fists. Others admit to hitting and punching but report that they would never use a weapon.
Domestic violence often gets worse over time. One explanation for this is that increasing the intensity of the abuse is an effective way for batterers to maintain control over their partners and prevent them from leaving. The violence may also escalate because most batterers experience few, if any, negative consequences for their abusive behavior. Social tolerance of domestic violence thus not only contributes to its existence, but may also influence its progression and batterers' definitions of the acceptable limits of their abuse.
Effects of domestic violence on women and children
Battered women suffer physical and mental effects from domestic violence. Battering causes more injuries to women than auto accidents, rapes, or muggings. It also threatens their financial wellbeing. They may miss work to appear in court or because of illnesses or injuries that result from the violence. They may have to move many times to avoid violence. Many battered women forgo financial security during divorce proceedings to avoid further abuse.
Battered women often lose social support. Their abusers isolate them from family and friends. Women who are being abused may isolate themselves from support persons to avoid the embarrassment that would result from discovery. Some battered women are abandoned by their churches when they separate from their abusers because some religious doctrines prohibit separation or divorce regardless of the severity of abuse.
When mothers are abused by their partners, the children are also affected. Children who witness domestic violence may feel confusion, stress, fear, and shame. They may think that they caused the problem or feel guilty for not protecting their mothers. They may themselves be abused or neglected while the mother attempts to deal with the trauma. Children in homes where domestic violence occurs are at risk for being physically abused or seriously neglected.
One-third of all children who see their mothers beaten develop emotional problems. They may cry excessively, be withdrawn or shy, have difficulty making friends or develop a fear of adults. Other consequences for children include excessive absences from school, depression, suicidal behavior, drug and alcohol abuse, running away, committing criminal acts as juveniles and adults, and using violence to solve problems at school and home. The stress resulting from living with domestic violence can show up as difficulty in sleeping, bedwetting, over-achieving, behavior problems, withdrawing, stomach aches, headaches and/or diarrhea.
Domestic violence can carry over from one generation to the next. Boys who witness their fathers abuse their mothers are more likely to inflict severe violence as adults. Girls who witness their mothers being abused are more likely to tolerate abuse as adults than who girls did not grow up under these circumstances.
Domestic violence and alcohol and other drugs
There is little evidence for the widely-held belief that abusing alcohol causes domestic violence. Although research indicates that men who drink heavily do commit more assaults that result in serious physical injury, the majority of abusive men are not heavy drinkers and the majority of men who are heavy drinkers do not abuse their partners. Even for batterers who drink, there is little evidence to suggest that drinking causes abusive behavior. In 76% of physically abusive incidents, there is no alcohol involved, and there is no evidence to suggest that alcohol use or dependence is linked to the other non-violent behaviors that are part of the pattern of domestic violence. It is true, however, that when cultural norms and expectations about male behavior after drinking include boisterous or aggressive behaviors, individual men are more likely to engage in such behaviors when under the influence of alcohol than when sober.
There is a pervasive belief that alcohol lowers inhibitions and a historical tradition of holding people who commit crimes while under the influence of alcohol or other drugs less accountable than those who commit crimes in a sober state. Historically, society has not held batterers accountable for their abusive behavior. They are held even less accountable for battering perpetrated when they are under the influence of alcohol. The alcohol provides a ready and socially acceptable excuse for their violence.
Evolving from the belief that abusing alcohol or other drugs causes domestic violence is the belief that treating the chemical dependency will stop the violence. However, research indicates that when batterers are in treatment, the abuse continues and often escalates during recovery, creating more danger to the victim than existed prior to treatment. In the cases in which battered women report that the level of physical abuse decreases, they often report a corresponding increase in threats, manipulation and isolation.
As noted earlier, domestic violence is often explained as a loss of control by the batterer. However, even when alcohol or other drugs are involved, the experiences of battered women contradict this view. Battered women report that even when their partners appear uncontrollably drunk during a physical assault, they routinely exhibit the ability to sober up remarkably quickly if there is an outside interruption, such as police intervention.
Interventions with substance-abusing batterers
If batterers use alcohol or other drugs, these problems should be addressed separately and concurrently. This is critical not only to maximize the victim’s safety, but also to prevent the battering from precipitating relapse or otherwise interfering with the recovery process. True recovery requires much more than abstinence. It includes adopting a lifestyle that enhances emotional and spiritual health, a goal that cannot be achieved if the battering continues.
Self-help programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous promote and support emotional and spiritual health and have helped many alcoholics get sober. These programs, however, were not designed to address battering and are not sufficient, by themselves, to motivate batterers to stop their abuse. It is critical that any treatment plan for chemically dependent men who batter include attendance at programs designed specifically to address the attitudes and beliefs that encourage their abusive behavior.
When abusive men enter substance abuse treatment programs, their partners are often directed into self-help programs such as Al-Anon or co-dependency groups. However, these resources were not designed to meet the needs of victims of domestic violence and often inadvertently cause harm to battered women. The goals of these groups typically include helping alcoholics’ family members to focus on their own needs, practice emotional detachment from the substance abusers, and identify and stop protecting their partners from the harmful consequences of addiction. Group members are encouraged to define their personal boundaries, set limits on their partners' behaviors, and stop protecting their partners from the harmful consequences of addiction. While these strategies and goals may be very useful for women whose partners are not abusive, for battered women such changes will likely result in an escalation of abuse, including physical violence.
Battered women are often very sensitive to their partners' moods as a way to assess their level of danger. They focus on their partners' needs and cover up for them as part of their survival strategy. These behaviors are not dysfunctional but are life-saving skills that protect them and their children from further harm. When battered women are encouraged to stop these behaviors through self-focusing and detachment, they are being asked to stop doing the things that may be keeping them and their children most safe.
Hispanic cultural values and domestic violence
There are several potential sources of problems for families who immigrate to the United States. When families come to the U.S., they leave behind the support of extended family. In a culture that values family above all, this loss can be very stressful. Once in the United States, families must adjust to a new culture with different values and expectations and different definitions of appropriate gender roles. Additionally, trying to meet their families’ survival needs may result in a shift in gender roles if both mother and father must work to support the family. Adapting to life in the U.S. can also change the roles and relationships between parents and children.
Traditional, idealized Hispanic cultural expectations of appropriate male and female behavior are often referred to as machismo and marianismo. Machismo is defined as being dominant, virile, and independent whereas marianismo emphasizes being submissive, chaste, and dependent. For men, the cultural emphasis on machismo can translate into a positive outcome where the man serves as provider and sacrifices for the family or a negative one that emphasizes dominance and control. The positive side of this gender expectation is that it encourages men to work hard to provide for and protect their families.
Some research shows that the negative interpretations of machismo are less common than the stereotype would indicate. This research argues that Hispanic fathers are much more nurturing and egalitarian than one might expect, perhaps due to the traditional emphasis on familial obligations. Unfortunately, the other side of these traditional behaviors is that Hispanic men are often seen as cold and domineering because of the cultural emphasis on their economic role in the family rather than on caretaking.
Some research has shown that when Hispanic/Latino men face difficulties finding employment and cannot live up to their expected role in the family, they have increased self-doubt which they express by withdrawing from the family unit. Some research indicates that when Latino men cannot define themselves in a positive, productive way in society, they will define themselves in more negative, possibly stereotypical ways (for example, drinking, aggression, etc.). Additionally, they may feel justified in engaging in destructive behaviors such as infidelity or substance abuse as long as they are fulfilling their cultural obligations to provide for their family economically.
The primary role that Hispanic tradition emphasizes for women is that of mother rather than wife. The concept of familismo emphasizes family relationships and childbearing as central to family life and the feminine gender role. This leads women to define themselves through their family and children instead of independently or as part of a couple. The role of martyr is also idealized, with women expected to be submissive and sacrifice themselves for their families. Women may see themselves mothers first and place a lower priority on their relationships with their husbands.
The traditional emphasis on the wife’s quiet submission and the husband’s dominance and
independence may make it difficult for Hispanic women to communicate directly and assertively with their husbands. Although Hispanic couples immigrating to the United States may acculturate away from traditional behaviors, it is important to recognize that these cultural expectations can be important. Furthermore, the definition of a “good” relationship can vary dramatically across culture, country of origin, and level of acculturation. For example, some couples who are less acculturated may not view egalitarianism as an important part of a healthy relationship. It is also necessary to remember that different members of a couple may acculturate at different rates, particularly with regard to these traditional gender roles. For example, men often tend to acculturate more quickly than their wives if they arrive in the United States before the rest of the family and have more exposure to mainstream culture through the workplace. However, shifting gender roles may have more impact on Hispanic women than on men because of the significant differences between traditional cultural expectations for their behavior and mainstream cultural values.
Extended Family
The cultural value of familismo includes a strong emphasis on family obligation, the value of children and community, and the importance of past and future generations. The involvement of extended family gives couples an extensive social support network that can assist them in times of emotional or economic difficulty. The stresses recent immigrants experience may be heightened by separation from their extended families and the loss of that valuable support network. However, this support network need not come exclusively from blood relatives. If the process of migration and immigration leaves couples isolated from extended family, they may establish support networks with others in the community. Compadres and godparents may be viewed as part of the family, and their influence on the couple’s relationship can be just as important as that of blood relatives.
A stereotype does exist that conservative gender roles can lead to increased domestic violence in the Hispanic community. In fact, traditional Hispanic gender roles can be both oppressive and protective when it comes to domestic violence. The view of men as the dominant decision-makers can also encourage controlling behaviors. However, although these more dangerous facets of traditional gender roles can encourage domestic violence, Hispanic men who embrace the positive side of machismo might be less likely to be violent. These values instruct men to protect their families, including their wives, which is incompatible with domestic violence.
The woman’s role as sacrificing and subservient can lead to greater tolerance of domestic violence, as can the strong commitment to the family and the institution of marriage. Lastly, because of their role in the home, Hispanic women are often economically dependent on men, making it more difficult to leave the relationship. When Hispanic/Latina women are subjected to domestic violence, they face some specific challenges that include:
• Isolation. It is a common tactic for abusers to isolate their victims, but in the Hispanic community, the victim’s isolation may be intensified by a language barrier. In addition, recent immigrants may be far from a family network that could help support them.
• Fear. Another common tactic of abusers is the use of threats to keep the victim from getting help. Among families of immigrants, abusers may use the threat of deportation. For the victim, this could mean separation from the victim’s children.
• Shame. Hispanic culture places great value in maintaining family integrity. While this is a positive cultural value, it can mean that the victim of domestic violence will remain in the family at great cost. In some cases, it could be at the cost of the victim’s very life.
• Lack of awareness. Hispanic victims, even more than other groups, tend to be unaware that resources exist to help them escape and rebuild their lives. They may be unaware, for example, of information and assistance is available in Spanish as well as English.
Part 3
Working with Hispanic/Latino pastors: Cultural considerations
As noted in the previous section, there are significant differences between mainstream American and Hispanic/Latino cultural values. What is important for the purpose of this project is to understand and build on the cultural strengths and values that support the goal of reducing domestic violence in the Hispanic/Latino community. These include the importance of family, the primary role of the husband/father as head of household and family leader, and the value attributed to the wife/mother as the family caretaker. In this section, we offer some information that may help you overcome cultural barriers, build on cultural strengths, and establish productive relationships with the pastors in your community.
It is important to understand that there are both commonalities and differences among Hispanic/Latino individuals and communities. Although the majority of Hispanics/Latinos in North Carolina are from Mexico, this population includes individuals from other countries in Central and South America as well as Cuba and Puerto Rico. Some of the differences within this population include:
Language (e.g., dialect, fluency in native language, fluency in English)
Acculturation (e.g., degree to which individuals have assimilated to the new culture or maintained traditional values and behaviors)
Generational status (e.g., the first generation is more likely to hold to traditional ways than subsequent generations)
Socio-economic status (e.g., education, financial resources, occupation, place of residence)
Life history (e.g., experiences in the native country and the U.S.; migration experience)
It can be difficult to determine whether to use the term Latino or Hispanic to describe this population. The term Latino refers to language origin while Hispanic refers to geographic origin. Be aware that most Hispanic/Latino individuals identify by country of origin. Which term individuals prefer will vary and may be influenced by their country of origin. The U.S. government’s official term for this population is Hispanic. It was introduced as a census category in 1970 to identify people with Spanish heritage. We have chosen to use both terms in these materials.
There are a number of cultural factors that are important if you are to successfully work with people from the Hispanic/Latino community. Individuals view personal relationships as more important than institutional relationships. They will place their trust in individuals rather than institutions. Because of this, it will be helpful if you can focus on establishing warm and friendly relationships with the pastors. Culturally appropriate behaviors that can help you establish relationships include using a firm handshake at your initial meeting. Once you have established a relationship, a hug and light kiss is the usual greeting. It is important to use titles of respect before first names (i.e., Don and Doña). Be aware that you will find a more relaxed and flexible attitude about time than is common among most native-born Americans. You may need to build a bit of extra time into your training session to allow for late arrivals.
Hispanics/Latinos show respect (respeto/humildad) by listening when a person is talking and following his/her advice. There is a great respect for authority which can result in individuals finding it hard to say “no.” They may agree to a request to avoid confrontation even if they do not intend to follow through. This could result in pastors agreeing to come to your training session even if they do not intend to do so or agreeing to use the materials you give them and not following through. When you ask questions, you may not get direct answers. Instead, they may “talk around” the issue and elaborate a great deal. You will need to listen carefully to what they say even if it does not initially appear related to the task or issue at hand. When they ask you questions, be aware that they do not necessarily expect you to answer all their questions or resolve all their needs. You will also want to be careful about making remarks that might be interpreted as critical. Some Hispanics/Latinos do not take criticism well and may react as though the remarks are directed at them personally rather than at the action performed
It can take time to connect and build trust with members of the Hispanic/Latino community. You can begin to reach out to Hispanic/Latino pastors by establishing a presence in the community. Strategies for doing this include:
3 Talking with members of the community to learn about their concerns, differences and skills
Attending cultural events in such as festivals and soccer tournaments
Developing personal connections with community leaders in organizations, churches, schools, and restaurants
Learning about the community and context in which people live and getting to know people as individuals
As you begin planning for your training sessions with pastors, be aware of the constraints they face. Many of them have “day jobs” in addition to their church responsibilities. As you contact them to invite them to participate in this project, you will want to ask them about the most convenient times to meet. You may need to be flexible about scheduling your training sessions; evenings and weekends may be the best times for them. You should also find out if lack of transportation will be a barrier to attending your training. You may need to consider their transportation needs when planning the time and place for your training.
To work successfully with this audience, consider doing the following for your training sessions:
Hang signs in Spanish directing people to the meeting room, restrooms, etc.
Serve food and/or snacks.
Offer door prizes.
Create a comfortable, informal environment.
Incorporate fun activities such as role plays, hands-on activities, drama, video, personal histories.
Allow participants to interact.
Use cooperative rather than competitive activities.
Remember that, for this audience, written material is a supporting player rather than the central focus.
If you need an interpreter, try to find a bilingual volunteer known by the community.
If you don’t speak Spanish, learn and use a few common phrases.
Remember that you are working with individuals who will value their relationships with you over your institutional affiliation. In your work with pastors, emphasize relationships over tasks. Make a firm commitment to maintain contact with pastors after the training and be sure a member of your team follows through. You may need to be patient. If the outcome of your training is not what you expected or hoped for, you may need to try again. Should this happen, you may wish to invite other Hispanic/Latino community partners to help you.
Part 4
Issues you may confront with pastors
Pastors who participate in your training will presumably agree on the appropriateness of church-sponsored domestic violence prevention and intervention activities. Nonetheless, some pastors may be more open than others to the material you present. Several factors may influence the degree of resistance you encounter. These include conservative religious and cultural beliefs about gender roles, the belief that maintaining the family unit should take precedence over the wellbeing or protection of an abused wife, and pastors’ own childhood experiences of being abused or witnessing domestic violence in their families. Each of these factors is discussed briefly below along with some general suggestions for responding to these issues should they come up.
Conservative religious and cultural beliefs about gender roles
Pastors may have biblically-based convictions that the man is the head of the home with church-sanctioned power and authority over other family members regardless of how he exercises that authority. Those who hold this belief expect women to submit to their husband’s power, even if they are being emotionally, physically, or financially abused. Cultural expectations of unequal power relationships between husbands and wives can reinforce and strengthen these biblical interpretations. Additionally, pastors’ awareness of the powerlessness and mistreatment that Hispanic/Latino men experience in the “mainstream” community may lead them to ignore or uphold men’s abuse of power within their families.
In responding to these issues, it is best to avoid arguing about biblical interpretations about the rights and power of men versus women in the home. It may be more productive to point out that families benefit when husbands and wives employ Christ-like attitudes and behaviors such as compassion, respect, and cooperation. It may also be helpful to acknowledge that, while the contributions each spouse brings to a relationship are different, they are equally important to family functioning. Focusing on these issues may help ministers overcome these kinds of concerns. Additionally, it is important to acknowledge that Hispanic/Latino men may be very angry about the devaluation and dehumanization they experience in the community. With no other outlet, these men may redirect their anger onto family members. It is likely that pastors will acknowledge that such behavior is destructive. It harms family members and, ultimately, the men themselves. Abusive men may be so angry or depressed that they do not see how these dynamics contribute to the cycle of abuse. Assisting pastors to understand these dynamics may help them realize that they can confront abusive men without undermining their role in the family or denying that the men have legitimate reasons to be angry.
The importance of maintaining the family unit
The family is of primary importance in Hispanic/Latino cultures. Pastors are unlikely to approve of interventions that they see as undermining the sanctity of the family. Maintaining the integrity of the family unit may be their priority even in families in which vulnerable members are being harmed.
Suggestions for responding to these issues
This program supports the cultural and religious values of maintaining intact families. Its goal is to reduce the toll of domestic violence within those families. With this in mind, pastors may benefit from some discussion of quality-of-life issues for all family members. This includes pointing out the harmful effects of domestic violence on children. They can also be reminded that while husbands and wives have different roles in families, their roles are equally important. Women are human beings who require compassion, respect and protection. When their partners abuse them, it undermines their roles as wives and mothers. If a woman’s partner is harming rather than protecting her, one way for a pastor to express compassion and respect may to help her temporarily escape a potentially explosive situation. The goal is not to split the family but to offer the woman protection from immediate danger. This does not threaten the sanctity of the family unit. Compassionate aid from a pastor may help families to confront and reduce conflict.
Pastors’ personal experience with abuse
Patterns of domestic violence travel from generation to generation. Pastors, whether they are male or female, are as likely as their congregation members to have experienced or witnessed abuse when they were children. It is also possible that they could be perpetrators (if male) or victims (if female) of domestic violence. Male pastors who were abused or who witnessed abuse as children may, as adults, identify psychologically with abusers. If they witnessed their mother’s mistreatment, they may believe that because their mothers did nothing to stop the abuse, women like to be mistreated. They may also believe that when domestic violence occurs, it is the woman who is responsible for causing or stopping it. Be aware that female pastors who have witnessed or experienced abuse may hold similar attitudes.
Suggestion for addressing these issues
It is not your role to offer “mental health therapy” to pastors who are dealing with their own psychological wounds. However, it is possible to raise for discussion the issue of their experiences. You can encourage pastors to think about the impact of their own childhood experiences on their attitudes and behaviors as adults. A discussion focused on “healing the healers” might explore the relationships among pastors’ feelings of helplessness as children and their experience of abuse. Such discussion would seek to help pastors make the connection between healing from their own experiences and increasing their motivation and ability to help other men suffering from past abuse. It may be helpful to encourage them to discuss the positive attributes of machismo, a concept that represents strength and leadership in the family. Both Hispanic/Latino cultural values and Christianity endorse the idea that strong family leaders must be able to love others with gentleness, patience, kindness, and selflessness.
Part 5
Planning your training
Suggestions for finding pastors
One of your first tasks will be to locate and contact Hispanic/Latino pastors and lay ministers in your geographical area. To find churches affiliated with specific denominations:
• For Catholic churches that offer masses in Spanish, The Catholic Diocese of Raleigh
and The Catholic
Diocese of Charlotte
• For Hispanic Baptist churches, the Baptist State Convention, telephone 919.467.5100 or 800.395.5102 or .
• For Hispanic/Latino Methodist ministries and churches
• For Hispanic Assembly of God churches, telephone 919 965-0225 or
To find independent churches:
• Contact local Spanish-language Christian Book Stores. Store owners usually know many pastors and will be familiar with the Spanish language services offered by churches in the area.
• When you drive by local churches, look for signs indicating they offer services in Spanish.
• Create and post a flyer at the Hispanic tiendas (stores) in your town or county.
• As you locate and speak with Latino pastors, ask them for the names of other pastors.
Multiple training sessions
Consider the possibility of conducting more than one training session. A small initial training may lead to more prospective trainees by word of mouth.
Determining participants’ preferences
Once you have a list of pastors who are interested in participating, you will want to ask them about their preferences regarding the logistics of the training:
• Location of training
• Best day of the week
• Best time of day (morning, afternoon, evening)
• Preferred length of workshop
To request manuals for your training sessions:
Dawn Iglesias, North Carolina State University, Department of Social Work
CB 7639, Raleigh, NC 27695, DawnIglesias@chass.ncsu.edu, phone (919) 513-7957, fax (919) 515-4403. Be sure to allow enough time for the manuals to be mailed.
Developing your team
In this section, you will assess individual and team strengths, barriers to carrying out this project and potential strategies for overcoming barriers.
Assessing individual team members’ strengths
As you read the items below, think about how you do (or would) approach training. Put a check in the boxes beside the statements you feel describe your strengths. Circle the boxes beside the statements that describe areas in which you need improvement. At the end you will summarize the areas in which you feel most and least prepared.
1.
I have experience doing training with a variety of audiences in the community.
I have professional knowledge of and/or experience with domestic violence.
2.
I have personal or professional experience with Spanish-speaking churches.
3.
I am fluent in Spanish.
I prepare for ahead for training by familiarizing myself with the subject matter.
4.
I know and respect my audience. I listen to participants and call them by name.
5.
I am neutral and non-judgmental. I value everyone’s experience and respect differences of opinion and lifestyle.
6.
I am culturally sensitive. I am familiar with Hispanic/Latino cultural values.
7.
I am self-aware. I recognize my own biases. I know my own “hot-buttons” and control myself when someone pushes them.
8.
I am inclusive. I encourage everyone to participate and contribute to the group learning process.
9.
I am lively, enthusiastic, and creative. I use humor. I keep my listeners interested.
1.
I use a variety of vocal qualities. I vary my pitch, speaking rate and volume. I avoid monotones.
2.
My comments are clear and easy to remember. I present one idea at a time. I show relationships between ideas. I summarize.
3.
I use a variety of techniques to convey my subject matter.
4.
I understand group dynamics. I am comfortable with conflict resolution.
5.
I am flexible. I watch participants’ verbal and nonverbal responses and adapt my plans to meet their needs. I am in charge without being overly controlling.
6.
I am open to new ideas. I am aware that I don’t know all the answers and recognize that I can learn from participants.
7.
I am compassionate, empathetic and understanding about participants’ emotional reactions.
8.
I am interested in evaluating my work and encourage feedback.
Summarize below the strengths you can contribute to training Hispanic/Latino pastors on domestic violence prevention and intervention:
Summarize below the areas in which you feel least prepared to train Hispanic/Latino pastors on domestic violence prevention and intervention:
Checklist adapted from: UCLA Center for Health Policy Research Health DATA Program—Data, Advocacy, and Technical Assistance
Assessing team strengths
Check each attribute that applies to your team as a whole. Note specific members possess each attribute
___ Experience coordinating a group project
Team members:
___ Experience with planning training workshops
Team members:
___ Experience implementing training workshops
Team members:
___ Knowledge of/professional experience with domestic violence
Team members:
___ Knowledge of Hispanic/Latino population
Team members:
___ Experience with/knowledge of Hispanic/Latino churches
Team members:
___ Spanish fluency
Team members:
___ Access to space for training
Team members:
___ Access to funds for refreshments
Team members:
___ Knowledge of/contacts with additional community resources that might be helpful.
Team members:
Identify any barriers your team faces:
Identify possible strategies for overcoming barriers:
Preliminary planning
Use the chart below to develop a preliminary plan.
|Task |Person(s) |Deadline |
|Contact team members to initiate the planning process | | |
| | | |
|Provide ongoing coordination | | |
| | | |
| | | |
|Locate Spanish-speaking churches and pastors | | |
| | | |
| | | |
|Contact pastors to recruit and inquire about best times and places for| | |
|training | | |
| | | |
|Request pastor training manuals from NC State project staff | | |
| | | |
|Arrange times/places for pastor training | | |
| | | |
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|Plan training content and process | | |
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|Implement the training session(s) | | |
| | | |
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|Provide information on completed training to NC State project staff | | |
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Developing a training workshop plan
When your team is ready to plan the training workshop itself, you may find the worksheet below helpful. Make multiple copies to cover your entire plan.
|Time allotted |Task/Topic |Materials Needed |Person(s) Responsible |
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Part 6
Educational resources for church-sponsored programs
If you establish relationships with local pastors, they may ask you for assistance with programs for their congregations. If you are willing and able to assist them, you may find the materials in this section helpful. We have provided materials in English and Spanish on the following topics:
• Anger management
• General parenting guidelines
• Parent-child communication
• Stress management for parents
Managing Anger
What is anger?
1. Anger is a secondary emotion, it is a response to an emotion. You usually feel a primary emotion such as embarrassment, sadness, frustration, or fear first, then go back to anger since it is a familiar and learned behavior. It is often difficult to realize what exactly is the emotion underlying the anger, but the fact that we respond with anger tells us that something is bothering us.
2. Anger is a form of self-discovery. In discovering our anger we discover ourselves. If we are able to express anger positively, this means we understand the feelings below the anger and the reason we feel those feelings. For example, if someone feels angry but realizes that below the anger he/she feels sad and frustrated, then he/she can work to express those feelings of sadness and frustration instead of the anger.
3. Anger is normal. Anger is a positive response and a normal feeling. What we do with our anger is what can be negative.
4. Anger is a way to positively communicate your limits. Expression of anger is a way to raise your self esteem by being open and direct about what you are feeling inside. It is also a way to discover your limits without being passive or aggressive.
5. Anger is a gift. The appropriate expression of anger is brief, to the point and open. We understand where we are coming from and the position of the other person. We have the opportunity to resolve the feelings underlying the anger which gives us the opportunity to understand the other person better. You are expressing how you really feel, expressing the emotions underlying the anger. This only happens when you take the risk of being vulnerable and letting others know who you really are.
6. Anger is liberating. It takes an enormous amount of energy to suppress your anger and the primary feelings underlying it. If you use all your energy suppressing your emotions, you have limited amounts of energy for other areas of your life.
7. Anger is a form of protecting yourself. If you do not express your anger openly, directly and with respect towards others, in other words, if you negatively express your anger, you end up driving others away.
Adapted from: Anger Materials (2008). Wake County Human Services. Maria Viviana Espeche, CPST. Senior Practitioner.
Be assertive, not aggressive
How do you look assertive?
Body language and tone of voice are said to be 93 % of all communication. So what does assertive body language and tone of voice look like?
Voice:
Use a firm, matter of fact tone of voice
Be fluent or smooth as you describe your thoughts and feelings.
Body Language:
1. Make appropriate eye contact. Look, don’t stare.
2. Stand up straight, without being intimidating.
3. Use pleasant facial expression.
4. Use meaningful, communicative gestures.
5. Keep a culturally appropriate distance.
Adapted from: Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons in Your Perfect Right, A guide to Assertive Living. Sixth Edition. 1980.
“I” Statements
One of the most effective ways to talk to people about your feelings and to try to solve a problem is to use “I” statements. “I” statements reduce defensiveness and help other people to hear your concern without anxiety or anger. “You” statements tend to upset people and to lead to shouting matches. For example:
“I”: I feel so angry when you forget to take out the trash.
“You”: You are inconsiderate, why didn’t you do your chores!!!
“I”: I feel disappointed when you don’t get the grades you deserve.
“You”: You stupid kid, why don’t you do your homework, like your sister. You’ll wind up a bum like your father.
Try some for yourself: Write “I” statement to use instead of the “You statement”.
The formula is “I” feel (angry, sad, concerned, etc.) when you (describe specific behavior) because it __________.
1. You are always looking for the easy way out, aren’t you? You’ll never amount to anything.
I feel_____________________________________________________
2. You are driving me crazy screaming and running around the house. Get out of my sight!
I feel____________________________________________________
3. This room looks like a cyclone hit. What a slob you are!
I feel___________________________________________________
Adapted from: Managing your Anger (2008). Wake County Human Services. Nancy Brake, MA. Parent Educator Facilitator & James Turner, LCSW-P. Child Mental Health.
Self-Soothing
Many of us have not learned ways to calm ourselves after being upset. This skill is called “self-soothing”. Self-soothing can be done with words or by using any of our five senses.
Vision: Look at a book with beautiful pictures. Pick some flowers. Make a space in your room pretty. Go to an art museum. Look at nature around you. Watch each sight that passes before you.
Hearing: Listen to beautiful, soothing or exiting music. Pay attention to the sounds of nature. Sing or hum your favorite songs. Listen to sounds that come to you, letting them pass.
Smell: Use your favorite lotions or perfumes. Light a scented candle. Make cookies or bread. Smell the roses. Walk in the woods and breathe in the fresh smells of nature.
Taste: Have a good meal or a special dessert. Drink a favorite herbal tea. Sample flavors in an ice cream store. Try a piece of peppermint candy. Really taste the food you eat.
Touch: Take a bubble bath. Pet your cat or dog. Get a massage. Get a hug. Put a creamy lotion on your whole body. Put clean sheets on your bed. Experience whatever touch that is soothing.
Get Active
Another coping strategy is to engage in activities that are physically or mentally demanding:
▪ Exercise
▪ Housework
▪ Gardening
▪ Re-arranging the furniture
▪ Taking the dog for a brisk walk
▪ Playing a team sport (e.g., soccer)
▪ Read a book
▪ Write a story
Adapted from: Managing your Anger (2008). Wake County Human Services. Nancy Brake, MA. Parent Educator Facilitator & James Turner, LCSW-P. Child Mental Health.
Tips for Resolving Conflict
1. Have a point(s):
What is the expected result of the confrontation?
What is really making you angry?
2. Timing is Everything!
Plan a time to talk when you have plenty of time, privacy, and are feeling calm.
3. Stay Focused:
Keep your voice calm and steady; take long, steady breaths, take a "time out" if you feel yourself escalating; own-up to your feelings and beliefs.
4. Stay on Issue:
Only discuss the issue at hand. Don't get personal, insult or use foul language. Avoid making global accusations ("you always/never"); be specific in your concerns.
5. Compromise:
Agree to disagree; don't try to "win" or change someone's mind. Accept responsibility for your thoughts and feelings.
Tolerate diversity and/or ambiguity.
© Tran & Taylor, 2000 (Modified from Mental Health Association, Tulsa, Arizona.). Child Mental Health.
El Manejo de la Ira
(Managing anger)
¿Qué es la ira?
8. La ira es una emoción secundaria, es una respuesta a una emoción. Usted usualmente primero siente una emoción primaria tal como la vergüenza, la tristeza, la frustración o el miedo, luego vuelve a la ira ya que es una conducta familiar y aprendida. Con frecuencia es difícil darse cuenta cuál es exactamente la emoción subyacente al enojo, pero el hecho de que nosotros respondamos con enojo nos dice que algo nos está molestando.
9. La ira es una forma de auto-descubrimiento. Al descubrir nuestra ira nosotros nos descubrimos a nosotros mismo. Si somos capaces de expresar la ira positivamente, esto significa que comprendemos los sentimientos debajo de la ira y la razón por la cual sentimos esos sentimientos. Por ejemplo, si alguien siente ira pero se da cuenta que debajo de la ira él/ella se siente triste y frustrado/a, entonces él/ella puede trabajar para expresar esos sentimientos de tristeza y frustración en lugar de la ira.
10. La ira es normal. La ira es una respuesta positiva y un sentimiento normal. Lo que puede ser negativo es lo que hagamos con nuestra ira.
11. La ira es una forma de comunicar positivamente sus límites. La expresión de la ira es una forma de levantar su auto estima siendo abierto y directo acerca de lo que usted está sintiendo adentro. También es una forma de descubrir sus límites sin ser pasivo o agresivo.
12. La ira es un don. La expresión apropiada de la ira es breve, va al grano y es abierta. Nosotros entendemos de donde venimos y la posición de la otra persona. Tenemos la oportunidad de resolver los sentimientos subyacentes a la ira, lo cual nos da la oportunidad de comprender mejor a la otra persona. Usted está expresando cómo se siente realmente, expresando las emociones subyacentes a la ira. Esto sólo pasa cuando toma el riesgo de ser vulnerable y le deja saber a los otros quién es realmente.
13. La ira es liberadora. Lleva una cantidad enorme de energía suprimir su ira y los sentimientos primarios subyacentes a ella. Si usted usa toda su energía suprimiendo sus emociones, tendrá cantidades limitadas de energía para otras áreas de su vida.
14. La ira es una forma de protegerse a usted mismo. Si usted no expresa su ira abiertamente, directamente y con respeto hacia los demás, en otras palabras, si usted expresa negativamente su ira, termina alejando a los demás.
Adaptado de: Materiales sobre la Ira (2008). Servicios Humanos del Condado de Wake. Maria Viviana Espeche, CPST. Senior Practitioner.
Sea firme, no agresivo
¿Cómo luce firme?
Se dice que el lenguaje corporal y el tono de la voz son el 93% de toda comunicación. Entontes, ¿cómo son el lenguaje corporal y el tono de voz firme?
Voz:
Use un tono de voz firme, realista.
Tenga fluidez o sea suave a medida que usted describe sus pensamientos y sentimientos.
Lenguaje Corporal:
6. Haga contacto visual apropiado. Mire, no clave la mirada.
7. Párese derecho, sin ser intimidante.
8. Use una expresión facial placentera.
9. Use gestos significativos, comunicativos.
10. Mantenga una distancia culturalmente apropiada.
Adaptado de: Robert Alberti y Michael Emmons en Tu Derecho Perfecto, Una guía para una Vida Firme. Sexta Edición. 1980.
Afirmaciones “Yo”
Una de las maneras más efectivas de hablarles a las personas acerca de sus sentimientos y de tratar de resolver un problema es usar las afirmaciones “Yo”. Las afirmaciones “Yo” reducen la defensa y ayudan a las otras personas a escuchar su preocupación sin ansiedad o ira. Las afirmaciones “Tú” tienden a enojar a las personas y llevan a una lucha de gritos. Por ejemplo:
“Yo”: Me siento tan enojado cuando tú te olvidas de sacar la basura.
“Tú”: ¡¡¡Eres desconsiderado, por qué no hiciste tus tareas!!!
“Yo”: Me siento decepcionado cuando no obtienes las notas que mereces.
“Tú”: Niño estúpido, por qué no haces tus tareas como tu hermana. Serás un vago como tu padre.
Trate alguna con usted mismo: Escriba afirmaciones “Yo” para usar en lugar de las “afirmaciones Tú”.
La fórmula es “Yo” me siento (enojado, triste, preocupado, etc.) cuando tú (describa conducta específica) porque eso __________.
4. Estás siempre buscando la salida fácil, ¿no? Nunca llegarás a nada.
Yo me siento_____________________________________________________
5. Me estás volviendo loco gritando y corriendo alrededor de la casa. ¡Sal de mi vista!
Yo me siento____________________________________________________
6. Esta habitación parece como si hubiera pasado un ciclón. ¡Que vago que eres!
Yo me siento___________________________________________________
Adaptado de: Manejando su Ira (2008). Servicios Humanos del Condado de Wake. Nancy Brake, MA. Facilitador Educador para Padres y James Turner, LCSW-P. Salud Mental del Niño.
Auto-Tranquilizarse
Muchos de nosotros no hemos aprendido formas para calmarnos a nosotros mismos luego de estar enojados. Esta habilidad se llama “auto-tranquilizarse”. Una persona se puede “auto-tranquilizar” con palabras o usando cualquiera de nuestros cinco sentidos.
Visión: Mire un libro con figuras hermosas. Recoja algunas flores. Ponga lindo un lugar de su habitación. Vaya a un museo de arte. Mire la naturaleza a su alrededor. Mire cada vista que pase adelante suyo.
Audición: Escuche música hermosa, tranquilizante o de escape. Preste atención a los sonidos de la naturaleza. Cante o tararee sus canciones favoritas. Escuche los sonidos que vienen hacia usted, déjelos pasar.
Olfato: Use sus lociones o perfumes favoritos. Prenda una vela perfumada. Haga galletitas o pan. Huela las rosas. Camine en el bosque y respire los olores frescos de la naturaleza.
Gusto: Coma una buena comida o un postre especial. Tome un té de hierbas favorito. Pruebe los gustos en una heladería. Pruebe un trozo de dulce de menta. Saboree realmente el alimento que come.
Tacto: Tome un baño de espuma. Mime a su gato o perro. Reciba un masaje. Reciba un abrazo. Ponga una loción cremosa en todo su cuerpo. Ponga sábanas limpias en su cama. Experimente cualquier toque que sea tranquilizante.
Póngase Activo
Otra estrategia para sobrellevar alguna situación es participar en actividades que sean física o mentalmente demandantes:
▪ Ejercicio
▪ Tareas del Hogar
▪ Jardinería
▪ Re-acomode los muebles
▪ Lleve al perro a una caminata enérgica
▪ Juegue un deporte en equipo (por ej. fútbol)
▪ Lea un libro
▪ Escriba un cuento
Adaptado de: Manejando su Ira (2008). Servicios Humanos del Condado de Wake. Nancy Brake, MA. Facilitadora Educadora para Padres y James Turner, LCSW-P. Salud Mental del Niño.
Consejos para Resolver el Conflicto
6. Tenga una(s) meta(s):
¿Cuál es el resultado esperado de la confrontación?
¿Qué es lo que realmente lo está enojando?
7. ¡El Momento es Todo!
Planee un momento para hablar cuando tenga mucho tiempo, privacidad y se sienta tranquilo.
8. Permanezca Enfocado:
Mantenga su voz calma y pareja; tome respiraciones largas y parejas, tome un “tiempo aparte” si siente que está engranando; aprópiese de sus propios sentimientos y creencias.
9. Manténgase en el Problema:
Converse sólo del problema en cuestión. No se vuelva personal, no insulte ni use lenguaje grosero. Evite hacer acusaciones globales (“tú siempre/nunca”); sea específico en sus preocupaciones.
10. Comprométase:
Acuerde estar en desacuerdo; no trate de “ganar” o cambiar lo que alguien piensa. Acepte la responsabilidad por sus pensamientos y sentimientos.
Tolere la diversidad y/o ambigüedad.
© Tran & Taylor, 2000 (Modificado de la Asociación de Salud Mental, Tulsa, Arizona.). Salud Mental del Niño.
GENERAL PARENTING GUIDELINES
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*Set a good example for your children. Children often learn how to act by observing how their parents act. For example, if parents handle frustrations well, their children will probably learn to handle their own frustrations well. If parents swear and become upset when things don't go well, their children may learn to act the same way. Parents should avoid resorting to the old saying "Do as I say, not as I do."
*Don't take your children's good behavior for granted. Parents should praise their children when they are behaving appropriately instead of just waiting to praise them only when they do something special. Parents should give their children the message that they notice appropriate behavior as much as inappropriate behavior. Catch them being good!
*Provide your children with a lot of verbal and physical affection. Frequent physical contact between parents and their children (such as hugging or brief "love pats") is very important. This positive affection should be provided on a regular basis whenever children are behaving appropriately. Parents should avoid providing this affection soon after their children have misbehaved.
*Discipline should be immediate and should be administered in a matter-of-fact manner. Parents need to avoid becoming upset while disciplining their children. Time-out and grounding techniques can be very effective if they are used correctly. After being punished, children should start with a clean slate. Parents should not remind or nag their children about their misbehavior.
*Be consistent and predictable with your children. Children function best when they know what to expect. Parents should make it very clear exactly what are and are not acceptable behaviors. Children's appropriate and inappropriate behavior should be handled in a similar manner by both parents (e.g., both parents should use the same punishment techniques for misbehavior). Consistency is not only important between parents. It is also important from day-to-day for individual parents. Parental management of children's behavior from one day to another should not vary according to parental mood. Rather, it should always be based on their children's behavior.
*How directions are given to children can have an effect on whether or not the children will follow them. Parents should make eye contact with their children before giving a direction. Yelling directions from another room is often not very successful. Directions should be given in a very specific and concise manner. Parents should avoid giving vague directions such as "Be good." A parent's idea of being good and their children's idea of being good may be very different. Parents should praise their children when they follow directions. They should also be prepared to enforce directions their children do not follow. If parents do not enforce directions, children learn that their parents don't mean what they say. Parents should avoid giving more than one warning following a direction.
*Make rules clear and specific. Parents should avoid making rules that they cannot or may not enforce. Enforcement of rules should be as matter-of-fact as possible. The penalty for breaking rules should be stated in advance. When a rule is broken, children should be appropriately punished (e.g., time-out).
*Let your children help with as many everyday tasks as possible. Most children enjoy spending time helping their parents, and it can also be a good learning experience. With younger children, "helping" may involve pretend work in the same area.
*Closely monitor your children. For younger children, parents should praise them when they are behaving. Parents should avoid the trap of not wanting to disturb children while they are behaving. Parents should make sure they know where their children are and what they are doing.
*Avoid lecturing, nagging, yelling, and screaming to manage your children's behavior. These approaches are typically not effective and often make problems worse.
Center for Effective Parenting
Little Rock Center: (501) 364-7580
NW Arkansas Center: (479) 751-6166
parenting-
|Instrucciones Generales Para Los Padres |
|(General Guidelines for Parents) |
|*Ponga un buen ejemplo para sus hijos. Los niños a menudo aprenden a comportarse observando como se comportan los padres. Por |
|ejemplo, si los padres manejan bien la frustración, los niños probablemente aprenderán a manejar bien sus propias frustraciones. |
|Si los padres usan lenguaje inapropiado y se disgustan cuando las cosas no van bien, sus hijos aprenderán a actuar de la misma |
|manera. Los padres deben evitar el recurrir al viejo dicho "Haz lo que digo, y no lo que hago." |
|*No tome el comportamiento de sus hijos por sentado. Los padres deben elogiar a sus hijos cuando se comportan apropiadamente, en |
|lugar de esperar a elogiarlos hasta cuando hacen algo especial. Deben también hacer saber a sus hijos que ellos notan el buen |
|como el mal comportamiento. ¡Sorpréndalos haciendo bien! |
|*Provea a sus hijos con mucho cariño, verbal y físico. El contacto físico frecuente entre padres e hijos (como abrazos o palmadas|
|de cariño) son muy importantes. Este cariño debe demostrarse regularmente cada que los niños se portan bien. Los padres deben |
|evitar demostrar este afecto inmediatamente después de que sus niños se han portado mal. |
|*La Disciplina debe ser inmediata y deber ser administrada de manera casual. Los padres pueden evitar el molestarse mientras |
|disciplinan a sus hijos. Técnicas como el tiempo fuera y hacerlos que se queden en casa son muy efectivas si se utilizan |
|correctamente. Después de haber sido disciplinados, los niños deben volver a empezar. Los padres no deben de recordarles o |
|fastidiarlos por su mal comportamiento. |
|*Sea consistente y previsible con sus hijos. Los niños funcionan mejor si saben a lo que se atienen. Los padres deben aclarar con|
|exactitud lo que es o no conducta aceptable. La conducta apropiada e inapropiada de los niños debe manejarse de manera similar |
|por ambos padres (ej.: ambos padres deben usar los mismos métodos para castigar la mala conducta). La consistencia es no solo |
|importante entre ambos padres. Es también importante día a día para cada padre. La manera en que los padres manejan el |
|comportamiento de sus hijos de un día para otro no debe variar conforme al estado de ánimo de los padres. De hecho, debe basarse |
|en el comportamiento de los niños. |
|*La manera en que se dan instrucciones a los niños afecta la manera en que los niños las seguirán. Los padres deben mirar a los |
|niños en los ojos antes de dar instrucciones. Gritando instrucciones desde otro cuarto rara vez da buen resultado. Las |
|instrucciones deben darse de manera clara y específica. Los padres deben evitar dar instrucciones imprecisas como "Pórtate bien".|
|La impresión que un padre tiene de "portarse bien", puede ser muy diferente a la del niño. Los padres deben elogiar a sus hijos |
|cuando siguen instrucciones. Deben también estar preparados para hacerlas cumplir. Si los padres no hacen cumplir las |
|instrucciones, los niños aprenden que los padres no quieren decir lo que dicen. Los padres deben evitar dar más de una |
|advertencia en seguida de una dirección. |
|*Ponga reglas claras y específicas. Los padres deben evitar poner reglas que no pueden enforzar. El cumplimiento de las reglas |
|debe ser de manera casual. El castigo por romper las reglas debe establecerse por adelantado. Cuando se rompe una regla, los |
|niños deben ser castigados de manera apropiada (ej.: tiempo fuera). |
|*Permita a sus hijos que ayuden con tantas tareas cotidianas como sea posible. La mayoría de los niños disfrutan pasar tiempo con|
|los padres, y esto puede ser una buena enseñanza. Con niños más pequeños, "ayudar" puede incluir pretendiendo trabajar en la |
|misma área. |
|*Observe a sus hijos de cerca. Los padres deben elogiar a los niños más pequeños cuando se portan bien. Los padres deben evitar |
|caer en la trampa de no querer disturbar a los niños cuando se están portando bien. Deben asegurarse de saber donde están sus |
|hijos y qué están haciendo. |
|*Evite sermonear, fastidiar, insultar y gritar para manejar la conducta de sus hijos. Este planteamiento es rara vez efectivo y a|
|menudo empeora los problemas. |
|[pic] |Centro Para el Padre Efectivo |
| |Little Rock Center (501) 364-7580 |
| |NW Arkansas Center (479) 751-6166 |
|Escrito por Kristin Zolten, M.A. & Nicholas Long, Ph.D. Departamento de Pediatría, Universidad de Arkansas para Ciencias Médicas.|
|Arte de Scott Snider. Traducido por Jorge N. Amaral, Centro Para el Padre Efectivo. Springdale, Arkansas. |
|©1997 |
©1997
PARENTAL COMMUNICATION
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After a couple becomes parents, communication becomes increasingly important. Parents are often under a lot of stress, and they are at risk for neglecting their relationship, when in fact the relationship between parents may be the most important relationship in the family. Keeping the lines of communication open is not always easy. All couples, at one time or another, have trouble communicating. This is especially true when the stress of parenting is considered. Communication takes work, but it is worth the investment.
This handout contains some important information parents should know about communication. Knowing how to communicate effectively, and also knowing what gets in the way of effective communication are important not only to the relationship between parents, but to their children, too. As children get older they learn how to communicate by watching their parents. Therefore, parents must be effective communicators so their children will learn this important skill, too.
Time
Spending time together as a couple is very important for any relationship. Time, however, is not always easy to find when there are children involved. Therefore, parents should make a special effort to set aside special time to spend together. If time can't be found every day, that's okay. What's important is that parents regularly schedule time to be together. This can be every day, every other day, or once a week - whatever works for the parents. This special time can be spent talking together, taking part in some activity together, or doing anything else that interests both parents. What's important is that this time is spent communicating in some way. Special time together is not going to just happen. It must be planned for and protected by both parents. One to one time is very important to keep the lines of communication open.
Communicating Effectively
Another important part of communication between parents is learning how to do so effectively. If parents do not communicate effectively, they will more than likely pass on ineffective ways of communicating to their children.
*To communicate effectively, words must equal actions. For example, if one parent is telling the other that he or she is not mad, but has an angry look on his or her face, is using an angry tone of voice and is standing with his or her hands clenched in fists, words do not equal actions, and effective communication is not taking place. When parents do this, they are sending mixed messages. Parents should be honest about their feelings. If they are angry they should find appropriate ways to express their anger.
*Touch is an excellent way to communicate nonverbally. A pat on the back or a hug is a great way to show appreciation to either a spouse or a child.
*Attending and listening are two very important skills to have for effective communication. Attending means giving complete attention to the person doing the talking. This can be done by stopping all other activities, looking the talker in the eyes, and by not saying a word. Listening means paying close attention to what is being said, not only through the speaker's words, but through body language, too.
*Giving and asking for feedback helps head off miscommunication. Giving feedback means repeating to the speaker what you heard him or her say to make sure you got the message as it was intended to be received. Asking for feedback is a way of insuring that the listener received your message as you intended it to be received.
Finally, listed below are some things that both help and hinder effective communication.
|Don’ts |
|Instead of this… |
|Dos |
|Try this… |
| |
|*Accusing, blaming, putting down. These types of statements put the respondent on the defensive, which encourages more of the same. For example, |
|"You are such a slob. You always leave your clothes on the floor." |
|*"I" statements. Instead of finger pointing, state your thoughts and feelings in terms of yourself. For example, "I feel angry when you leave your|
|dirty clothes on the floor." |
| |
|*Interrupting. Interruptions can break the speaker’s train of thought. |
|*Listening. Listen to what the speaker is saying. Wait for natural pauses in the conversation before speaking. |
| |
|*Overgeneralizing and catastrophizing. This includes statements like, "You always…" and "You never…" |
|*Making qualifying statements. Try using phrases like, "Sometimes, you…" and "Maybe…" |
| |
|*Lecturing and preaching. These types of communication will quickly turn off the person being spoken to. |
|*Making brief, to the point, statements. Such statements will allow for give and take required for effective communication. |
| |
|*Sarcasm. The use of sarcasm can be hurtful to the person being spoken to. Sarcasm has no place in effective communication. |
|*Showing respect. Try to show respect and understanding for the other person’s point of view. You can disagree but explain your concerns. |
| |
|*Not making eye contact. This may send the wrong message to someone you’re speaking with. |
|*Making eye contact. This will send the message that you’re interested, listening, and involved. |
| |
|*Mind reading. Try to avoid telling someone else what they feel or think. You may be wrong. |
|*Reflecting and validating. Tell the person with whom you’re speaking what you’re hearing and how you’re interpreting what’s being said. Ask for |
|clarification. |
| |
|*Commanding and/or threatening. Commands and/or threats are rarely effective. They often put the person being spoken to on the defensive. |
|*Suggesting alternative solutions. Try to work together to come up with solutions that are acceptable to both parties. Ask for feedback on |
|possible solutions. |
| |
|*Dwelling on the past. Once a problem or conflict is solved, don’t repeatedly bring it up in future conflicts. Parents should allow one another to|
|start over with a clean slate. |
|*Sticking to the present and future. Focus on the specific issue of concern. |
| |
|*Monopolizing the conversation. Don’t do all the talking. Both parties must make significant contributions to the discussion to facilitate |
|effective communication. |
|*Taking turns talking. Ask for the other person’s opinions on the issue if they are reluctant to talk. |
| |
|*Remaining silent. Communication that is effective will not take place unless both parties participate. |
|*Talking. Express your feelings, even if they’re negative. |
| |
|*Saying whatever comes to mind. Try to edit what you say, so that you do not deliberately hurt the person to whom you are speaking. |
|*Following the rules of common courtesy. Try to be polite and courteous to the person to whom you are speaking, no matter how heated conversations|
|may get. |
| |
|*Yes-butting. Try not to find something wrong with every suggestion the person to whom you are speaking makes. |
|*Listening. Try to understand the other person’s point of view. You don’t necessarily have to agree with everything the other person says, but you|
|should make an attempt at understanding others’ viewpoints. |
| |
|*Cross complaining. Try not to state one of your own complaints in response to a complaint the other speaker makes. |
|*Making an agenda. Try making a list of the complaints that come up in conversation, and deal with them one at a time. Add new complaints to the |
|list as they come up. |
| |
Center for Effective Parenting, Little Rock Center: (501) 364-7580,NW Arkansas Center: (479) 751-6166
Written by Kristen Zolten, M.A. and Nicholas Long, PhD, Department of Pediatrics, University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences, Artwork by Scott Snider, © 1997
|La Comunicación Entre Los Padres |
|(Parental Communication) |
|[pic][pic] |
|Una vez que las parejas se convierten en padres, la comunicación es sumamente importante. Los padres a menudo están bajo mucha presión, y corren el riesgo|
|de descuidar su relación, siendo que esta relación puede que sea la más importante en la familia. No es siempre fácil mantener abiertas las líneas de |
|comunicación. Todas las parejas, alguna que otra vez, tienen problemas comunicándose. Este es el caso especialmente cuando se toma en consideración el |
|estrés. La comunicación toma esfuerzo, pero la inversión vale la pena. |
|Este folleto contiene información muy importante para los padres acerca de la comunicación. Es importante saber como comunicarse efectivamente y también |
|saber lo que impide la buena comunicación, no solo entre los padres, sino entre los hijos. Conforme los niños crecen, aprenden como comunicarse |
|observando a los padres. |
|Así que los padres deben comunicarse bien para que sus hijos aprendan a comunicarse también. |
|Tiempo |
|Es muy importante para una relación que las parejas pasen tiempo juntos. Sin embargo, es difícil encontrar tiempo cuando hay hijos de por medio. Así que |
|los padres deben esforzarse para apartar un tiempo y hacer algo especial. Si no hay tiempo diario, no importa. Lo que importa es que hagan planes |
|regularmente para pasar tiempo juntos. Esto puede ser diario, cada tercer día, o una vez a la semana – lo que sea conveniente para ellos. El tiempo lo |
|pueden pasar juntos platicando, tomando parte en alguna actividad o haciendo algo que les interesa a los dos. Lo que importa es que pasen el tiempo |
|comunicándose de alguna manera. Este tiempo especial no va a suceder automáticamente. Debe planearse y cuidarse. El tiempo junto es muy importante para |
|mantener abiertas las líneas de comunicación. |
| |
|Comunicándose Eficazmente |
|Otro aspecto muy importante de la comunicación entre los padres es como hacerlo eficazmente. Si los padres no se comunican con eficiencia, es probable que|
|les pasen estas ineficiencias a sus hijos. |
|*Para comunicarse efectivamente, las palabras deben igualar las acciones. Por ejemplo, si uno de los padres le dice al otro que no está enojado, pero |
|tiene la mirada dura y tiene un tono de voz enojado, y se para con las manos empuñadas, las palabras no corresponden a las acciones, y no existe la |
|comunicación efectiva. Cuando los padres hacen esto, su mensaje es confuso. Ellos deben ser honestos con sus emociones. Si están enojados deben buscar la |
|manera apropiada de expresar su coraje. |
| |
|*Acariciarse es una manera excelente de comunicarse sin palabras. Una palmadita en la espalda o un abrazo son formas excelentes de demostrar aprecio ya |
|sea a su pareja o a sus hijos |
|*Poner atención y escuchar son dos hábitos muy importantes para la buena comunicación. Poner atención significa brindar atención completa a la persona que|
|está hablando. Esto se puede lograr parando todas las actividades, mirando a la persona que habla directamente a los ojos, y no decir nada. Escuchar |
|significa poner mucha atención a lo que se dice, no solo por las palabras de quién habla, sino también por la expresión de su cuerpo. |
|*Expresar y solicitar reacciones ayuda a evitar la mala comunicación. Expresar una reacción quiere decir repetir a quién habla lo que usted ha escuchado |
|para asegurarse de que el mensaje fue recibido de la forma que fue enviado. Pedir por la opinión de otras personas en una manera de asegurarse que quien |
|escucha reciba su mensaje de la manera que usted intentó enviarlo. |
|Finalmente, a continuación hay una lista de las cosas que ayudan o impiden la buena comunicación. |
| |
| Qué NO Hacer… |
|Qué Hacer… |
| |
|*Acusar, culpar, humillar. Este tipo de expresiones ponen a las personas a la defensiva, lo que causa más problemas. Por ejemplo, "Eres tan descuidado. |
|Siempre dejas tu ropa en el suelo." |
|*Expresiones "Yo". En lugar de incriminar, exprese su opinión y sus sentimientos con respecto a usted. Por ejemplo, "Me da coraje cuando dejas tu ropa |
|sucia en el suelo." |
| |
|*Interrumpir. Las interrupciones pueden disturbar la concentración de la persona que habla. |
|*Escuche. Escuche lo que la persona dice. Espere por una pausa normal en la conversación para poder hablar. |
| |
|*Sobregeneralizar y Exagerar. Esto incluye expresiones como, "Tu siempre…" y "Tu nunca…". |
|*Haga declaraciones calculadas. Trate de usar frases como, "A veces tu…" y "Quizás…" |
| |
|*Sermonear y Predicar. Este tipo de comunicación pronto fastidiará a la persona que escucha. |
|*Hable claro y sin rodeos. Este tipo de expresiones permite las concesiones mutuas necesarias para la buena comunicación. |
| |
|*Sarcasmo. El uso del sarcasmo puede lastimar a la persona que habla. No hay lugar para el sarcasmo en la comunicación eficaz. |
|*Demuestre respeto. Trate de demostrar respeto y consideración por el punto de vista de la otra persona. Usted no tiene que estar de acuerdo, pero puede |
|explicar su opinión. |
| |
|*No hacer contacto con la mirada. Esto puede ser mal interpretado por la persona a la cual usted se dirige. |
|*Haga contacto con la mirada. Esto indicará a la otra persona que usted está interesado, escucha y participa. |
| |
|*Leer la mente. Trate de evitar decirle a otra persona lo que el o ella piensa o siente. Usted puede estar equivocado. |
|*Reflexione y dé validez. Dígale a la persona con la quien habla que usted le pone atención a lo que se dice. Pida aclaraciones. |
| |
|*Mandar y/o amenazar. Las órdenes y las amenazas raramente son efectivas. Ponen al oyente a la defensiva. |
|*Sugiera soluciones alternas. Trate de cooperar para encontrar soluciones que son aceptables para ambos. Pida opiniones para la posibilidad de otras |
|soluciones. |
| |
|*Vivir en el pasado. Una vez que el problema se ha resuelto, no lo mencione en conflictos futuros. Los padres deben permitirse uno a otro a empezar de |
|cuenta nueva. |
|*Concéntrese en el presente y en el futuro. Póngale atención a un tema específico que lo tenga preocupado. |
| |
|*Monopolizar la conversación. No hable constantemente. Ambos participantes deben contribuir igualmente a las discusiones para facilitar la comunicación |
|efectiva. |
|*Espere su turno para hablar. Pregunte a la otra persona por su opinión con respecto al tema si no se deciden a discutirlo. |
| |
|*Permanecer Silencio. La comunicación efectiva no tomará lugar mientras que los dos lados no participen. |
|*Hable. Exprese sus sentimientos, aún si estos son negativos. |
| |
|*Decir lo que se le ocurre. Trate de analizar lo que dice, para que no lastime intencionalmente a la persona con quién plática. |
|*Observe las reglas comunes de cortesía. Trate de ser amable y cortés con la persona a la cual Ud. se dirige, no importa qué tan acaloradas puedan ser las|
|discusiones. |
| |
|*"Si, pero…" Evite tratar de encontrar algo negativo en cada sugerencia que hace la persona que habla. |
|*Escuche. Trate de comprender el punto de vista de la otra persona. No es necesario que usted esté de acuerdo con todo lo que la otra persona dice, pero |
|debe de hacer un esfuerzo por comprender sus opiniones. |
| |
|*Quejarse mutuamente. Evite expresar una queja en respuesta a otra queja de la persona que habla. |
|*Haga un plan. Trate de hacer una lista de las quejas que aparecen en la conversación, y discútalas una por una. Añada nuevas quejas a su lista conforme |
|estas aparecen. |
| |
| | |
| |
Centro Para el Padre Efectivo Little Rock Center, (501) 364-7580; NW Arkansas Center (479) 751-6166
Escrito por Kristin Zolten, M.A. & Nicholas Long, Ph.D. Departamento de Pediatría, Universidad de Arkansas para Ciencias Médicas. Arte de Scott Snider. Traducido por Jorge N. Amaral, Centro Para el Padre Efectivo. Springdale, Arkansas.
©1997
Parent/Child Communication
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Communication is the sending of information from one person to another. Communication can be verbal, for example, one person talking to another, or it can be non-verbal, for example, a scowl on a person's face that will probably let other people know he is angry. Communication can be positive or negative, effective or ineffective.
It is very important for parents to be able to communicate openly and effectively with their children. Open, effective communication benefits not only the children, but every member of the family. Relationships between parents and their children are greatly improved when there is effective communication taking place. In general, if communication between parents and their children is good, then their relationships are good as well.
Children learn how to communicate by watching their parents. If parents communicate openly and effectively, chances are that their children will, too. Good communication skills will benefit children for their entire lives. Children begin to form ideas and beliefs about themselves based on how their parents communicate with them. When parents communicate effectively with their children, they are showing them respect. Children then begin to feel that they are heard and understood by their parents, which is a boost to self-esteem. On the other hand, communication between parents and children that is ineffective or negative can lead children to believe that they are unimportant, unheard, or misunderstood. Such children may also come to see their parents as unhelpful and untrustworthy.
Parents who communicate effectively with their children are more likely to have children who are willing to do what they are told. Such children know what to expect from their parents, and once children know what is expected of them, they are more likely to live up to these expectations. They are also more likely to feel secure in their position in the family, and are thus more likely to be cooperative.
Ways to Communicate Positively With Children
*Start communicating effectively while children are young. Before parents and their children can communicate, both must feel comfortable enough to do so. While their children are very young, parents should begin setting the stage for open, effective communication. Parents can do this by making themselves available to their children when they have questions or just want to talk. Furthermore, parents who provide their children with plenty of love, understanding and acceptance are helping to create a climate for open communication. Children who feel loved and accepted by their parents are more likely to open up and share their thoughts, feelings, and concerns with their parents.
Sometimes it's easier for parents to feel acceptance for their children than it is to actually show it. Parents must demonstrate to their children that they love and accept them. Parents can do this in both verbal and nonverbal ways. Verbally parents can let their children know they accept them through what they say. Parents should try to send positive messages to their children. For example, when a child picks up his toys after he or she is finished with them, parents can let him or her know that they appreciate it by saying something like, "I appreciate it when you pick up your toys without being told." When talking with their children, parents should be careful of what they say and how they say it. Everything parents say to their children sends a message about how they feel about them. For example, if a parent says something like "Don't bother me now. I'm busy," their children may wind up thinking that their wants and needs are not important.
Nonverbally, parents can show their children they accept them through gestures, facial expressions, and other nonverbal behaviors. Parents should try to eliminate behaviors like yelling and not paying attention to their children. Such behaviors get in the way of effective communication. Practice makes perfect: Parents must learn to show acceptance in ways their children will pick up on.
*Communicate at your children's level. When parents communicate with their children, it is important for them to come down to their children's level both verbally and physically. Verbally, parents should try to use age-appropriate language that their children can easily understand. With younger children, this can be done by using simple words. For example, young children are much more likely to understand a direction such as, "No hitting your sister," as opposed to "It is not acceptable to hit your sister." Parents should try to know what their children are able to understand and they should try not to communicate in ways that their children are not able to understand. Physically, parents should not, for example, tower over their children when talking or communicating with them. Instead, they should try to come down to their children's level by lowering themselves, either by kneeling, sitting, stooping, etc. This will make eye contact much easier to maintain, and children are much less likely to feel intimidated by parents when they are eye to eye.
*Learn how to really listen. Listening is a skill that must be learned and practiced. Listening is an important part of effective communication. When parents listen to their children they are showing them that they are interested and they care about what their children have to say. Here are some important steps to becoming a good listener:
*Make and maintain eye contact. Parents who do this are showing their children that they are involved and interested. Children might get just the opposite message - that their parents are not interested in what they're saying - if minimal eye contact is made.
*Eliminate distractions. When children express a desire to talk, parents should give them their undivided attention. They should put aside what they were doing, face their children, and give them their undivided attention. If parents, for example, continue to read the paper or to watch television while their children are trying to communicate with them, children may get the message that their parents aren't interested in what they have to say, or that what they have to say is not important. If children express a desire to talk at a time that the parent is unable to, parents can schedule a time later on to talk with their children.
*Listen with a closed mouth. Parents should try to keep the interruptions to a minimum while their children are speaking. They can offer encouragement, for example through a smile or a touch, without interrupting. Interruptions often break the speaker's train of thought, and this can be very frustrating.
*Let your children know they have been heard. After children are finished speaking, parents can show them that they have been listening by restating what was said, only in slightly different words. For example, "Boy, it sounds like you really had a good day in pre-school." Not only will this let children know that their parents have been listening. This will also offer an opportunity for clarification if the parents are misinterpreting the message their children are trying to get across.
*Keep conversations brief. The younger children are, the more difficult it is for them to sit through long speeches. One good rule for parents is to speak to young children for no longer than 30 seconds, then ask them to comment on what was said. The goal is for parents to pass on information a little at a time while checking that their children are paying attention to and understanding what is being said at regular intervals. Parents should let their children decide when enough is enough. Parents can look for clues that their children have had enough. Some clues include fidgeting, lack of eye contact, distractibility, etc. Parents need to know when to communicate with their children, but they also need to know when to back off, too.
*Ask the right questions. Some questions help conversations along, while some can stop conversations dead in their tracks. Parents should try to ask open-ended questions in their conversations with their children. Such questions often require an in-depth response that will keep a conversation going. Open-ended questions that begin with the words "what," "where," "whom," or "how" are often very useful in getting children to open up. Parents should try to avoid asking questions that require only a yes or no answer. While asking the right questions can help a conversation along, parents need to be careful not to ask too many questions while conversing with their children. When this happens, conversations can quickly turn into interrogations, and children will be much less likely to open up.
*Express your own feelings and ideas when communicating with children. For communication to be effective, it must be a two way street. Not only must parents be available to and listen to their children for effective communication to take place; they must also be willing to share their own thoughts and feelings with their children. Parents can teach their children many things, for example, morals and values, by expressing their thoughts and feelings. When expressing their ideas and feelings, however, parents must be careful to do so in a non-judgmental way. It seems logical that the more parents open up to their children, the more their children will open up to them.
*Regularly schedule family meetings or times to talk. One very useful communication tool for families with older children is the regularly scheduled time to talk. This can be done in a number of ways. First of all, there is the family meeting. Family meetings can be scheduled, for example, once a week, and/or whenever there is something that the family needs to discuss. Families can use family meeting time to iron out the details of daily living, for example chores, curfews and bedtimes. Family meeting time can also be used to air grievances and to talk about problems. These times can also be used to talk about positive things that have occurred during the last week. What's important is that each family member be given time to talk to and be heard by other family members.
Regularly scheduled times to talk and communicate don't have to be as formal as the family meeting. For example, families can use the dinner hour each night as a time to catch up with each other. Or, parents can set aside time to play communication games, such as picking specific topics of discussion and giving everyone in the family a chance to express their opinions. What's important is that families set aside time at regular intervals to communicate with one another.
*Admit it when you don't know something. When children ask questions that their parents can't answer, they should admit that they don't know. Parents can use such instances as learning experiences. For example, parents can teach their children how to get the information they're looking for by taking them to the library, using the encyclopedia, etc. It's far better for parents to show their children that they're human and thus don't know everything than it is to make up some answer that might not be true.
*Try to make explanations complete. When answering their children's questions, parents should try to give them as much information as they need, even if the topic is something parents don't feel comfortable discussing. This doesn't mean that parents must go into great detail. It's just important that parents know how much information their children need and then give it to them. Parents should make sure that the information they give their children is age-appropriate. Parents should also encourage their children to ask questions. This will help parents figure out just what information their children are looking for. Not giving enough information can lead children to draw conclusions that aren't necessarily true.
Communicating During Conflicts
All families will have conflicts at one time or another. While such conflicts can be upsetting, they need not be too disruptive. There are many different things that parents can do to smoothly get through conflicts and to keep the lines of communication open at the same time. Here are some suggestions.
*Work on one problem at a time. During conflicts, it is best to try to solve one problem at a time. It is not a good idea to bring up many different issues at once. This can be very confusing to both children and their parents. When this happens families can quickly lose sight of the real issues.
*Look for creative ways to solve problems. When trying to solve conflicts, parents should try to keep in mind that there is usually more than one solution to any problem. Parents and children should work together to find solutions that are agreeable to all parties. Learning to be flexible when solving problems is a great tool for children to have. If one solution doesn't work, parents should try to be flexible enough to try alternative solutions.
*Be polite. Parents shouldn't forget the ordinary rules of politeness simply because they are dealing with their children. During conflicts, or at any other time, parents should treat their children with the same amount of respect that they would show to any other person. Children are people, too, and they deserve to be treated with respect. Sometimes during the heat of an argument or disagreement parents say things to their children that they would never say to another relative or a close friend. Parents should make an effort not to do this.
*Use "I" messages. When discussing conflicts with their children, parents should always try to state problems in terms of how they feel. For example, instead of saying something like "You never pick up your clothes like you're supposed to," parents should try something like "I feel frustrated when you don't pick up your clothes." By using "I" messages, parents are telling their children how their behavior makes them feel, instead of accusing and/or blaming. "I" messages are effective because children are much less likely to resist or rebel against something that is stated in terms of how the parent feels. Stating things in terms of "I" messages are much less threatening to children than are accusing and/or blaming. "I" messages also show children how to take responsibility for their own actions. Parents who express their feelings in such a way are also teaching their children to do the same.
*Be willing to forgive. Teach your children to be forgiving by doing so yourself.
How to Avoid Negative Communication
Unfortunately, many parents aren't aware of just how often they use negative forms of communication with their children. These parents may, as a result, be planting the seeds of mistrust and low self-esteem in their children. This is why it is so important for parents to become aware of and to correct any negative forms of communication they may be using with their children. Below is a list of examples of negative communication. Parents should go through this list and identify any of these negative communication patterns that seem familiar. After identifying problem areas, parents can then begin making changes. Keep in mind that the list below does not contain every possible example of negative communication. There are probably many things that can be considered negative communication that are not included on the list below.
Examples of Negative Communication That Parents Should Avoid
*Nagging and lecturing. Nagging is repeating something that has already been said. Lecturing is giving more information than is needed without stopping to listen to other opinions or ideas. Parents can avoid nagging and lecturing by keeping their conversations with their children brief. Parents should also keep in mind that once they have told their children something once, there is no need to say it again. Instead of nagging, parents should use a consequence other than nagging (for example, time-out) when their children do not do something they have been told to do. Nagging and lecturing cause children to stop listening or to become defensive or resentful.
*Interrupting. When children are talking, parents should give them the opportunity to finish what they're saying before speaking themselves. This is common courtesy. Children who feel that they can't get a word in edgewise with their parents may stop communicating with them altogether.
*Criticizing. Parents should avoid criticizing their children's thoughts, feelings, ideas, and/or children themselves. Children often see such criticisms as direct attacks, and the result can be lowered self-esteem. When necessary, parents should criticize behavior, or what children have done, not children themselves.
*Dwelling on the past. Once a problem or conflict is solved, parents should try not to mention it again. Children should be allowed to start over with a clean slate. Parents who constantly bring up their children's past mistakes are teaching their children to hold grudges for long periods of time. Also, children need to know that once a matter is settled it remains settled.
*Trying to control children through the use of guilt. This involves trying to make children feel guilty because of their thoughts, feelings, and/or actions. Parents who use guilt to control their children may do great harm to their relationship with their children.
*Using sarcasm. Parents are using sarcasm when they say things they don't mean and imply the opposite of what they're saying through their tone of voice. An example is a parent saying something like, "Oh, aren't you graceful," when a child breaks something. The use of sarcasm hurts children. Sarcasm is never a useful tool for parents who are trying to effectively communicate with their children.
*Telling your children how to solve their problems. This happens when parents jump in and tell their children how they should do things instead of letting them have some input into solutions for problems. Parents who tell their children how to solve their problems may lead children to believe that they have no control over their own lives. Such children may end up believing that their parents don't trust them. Or, they may resent being told what to do and as a result resist their parents' directions.
*Putting children down. Put-downs can come in many different forms such as name calling, ridiculing, judging, blaming, etc. Put-downs are detrimental to effective communication. Put-downs can damage children's self-esteem. Children who are put down by their parents often feel rejected, unloved, and inadequate.
*Using threats. Threats are rarely effective. They often make children feel powerless and resentful of their parents.
*Lying. No matter how tempting it is to make up a lie to, for example, avoid talking about uncomfortable topics like sex, parents should not do so. Parents should try to be open and honest with their children. This will encourage children to be open and honest with their parents. Also, children are very perceptive. They are often very good at sensing when their parents are not being totally honest with them. This can lead to feelings of mistrust.
*Denying children's feelings. When children tell their parents how they feel, parents shouldn't make light of these feelings. If, for example, a parent feels his or her child shouldn't feel sad about losing a baseball game, he or she shouldn't say so. Parents should instead say something supportive, for example, "I know you really wanted to win. It's hard to lose sometimes." With younger children, this can be done by using simple, concrete words. Children need to have their feelings supported by their parents. Parents need to show their children understanding when it comes to their feelings. If they don't, children will as a result feel misunderstood by their parents.
Communication Builders
Here are some examples of things parents can say to their children to help open the lines of communication:
"I'd like to hear about it."
"Tell me more about that."
"Shoot. I'm listening."
"I understand."
"What do you think about ..."
"Would you like to talk about it?"
"Is there anything else you'd like to talk about?"
"That's interesting."
"Wow!"
"I'm interested."
"Explain that to me."
Effective, open communication takes a lot of hard work and practice. Parents should remember that they will not be perfect. Parents make mistakes. What is important is that parents make the effort to effectively communicate with their children starting when their children are very young. The result will be a much closer, positive relationship between parents and their children.
Center for Effective Parenting, Little Rock Center: (501) 364-7580, NW Arkansas Center: (479) 751-6166
parenting-
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|LA COMUNICACIÓN ENTRE |
|PADRES E HIJOS |
|(Parent/Child Communication) |
|La comunicación es el intercambio de información entre dos o más personas. Esta puede ser verbal, por ejemplo cuando dos personas conversan, o puede |
|ser no-verbal, como la expresión en la cara de una persona que probablemente le hará saber a la otra que está enojada. La comunicación puede ser |
|positiva, negativa, efectiva o inefectiva. |
|Es importante que los padres se puedan comunicar abierta y efectivamente con sus hijos. Este tipo de comunicación beneficia no sólo a los niños, sino|
|también a cada miembro de la familia. Las relaciones entre padres e hijos se mejoran mucho cuando existe la comunicación efectiva. Por lo general, si|
|la comunicación entre padres e hijos es buena, sus relaciones serán buenas también. |
|Los niños aprenden a comunicarse observando a los padres. Si los padres se comunican abierta y efectivamente, es posible que sus hijos lo hagan |
|también. La habilidad de comunicarse beneficiará a los niños toda su vida. Los niños se empiezan a formar sus ideas y opiniones de sí mismos basadas |
|en lo bien que los padres se comunican con ellos. Cuando los padres se comunican efectivamente con sus hijos, les demuestran respeto. Los niños |
|empiezan a sentir que sus padres los escuchan y los comprenden, lo cual les aumenta su amor propio. Por el contrario, si la comunicación entre padres|
|e hijos es inefectiva o negativa, puede hacer que sus hijos piensen que no son importantes, que nadie los escucha y nadie los comprende. Estos niños |
|pueden también pensar que sus padres no son gran ayuda y no son de confianza. |
|Cuando los padres se comunican bien con sus hijos es más probable que sus niños estén dispuestos a hacer lo que se les pide. Estos niños saben lo que|
|esperan de sus padres, y una vez que saben lo que se espera de ellos, es más probable que lo cumplan. Estos niños son más aptos a sentirse más |
|seguros de su posición en la familia, y es posible que sean más cooperativos. |
|Maneras de Comunicarse Efectivamente Con Los Niños |
|*Empiece la comunicación efectiva cuando los niños están pequeños. Antes de que los padres y los hijos puedan comunicarse, deben sentirse cómodos al |
|hacerlo. Cuando los niños están pequeños, los padres deben empezar a cimentar la comunicación abierta y efectiva. Esto puede lograrse cuando los |
|padres están disponibles para contestar preguntas, o para platicar con sus hijos. Además, los padres que proveen a sus hijos con plenitud de amor, |
|entendimiento y aceptación, ayudan a crear un buen ambiente para la comunicación franca. Los niños que se sienten amados y aceptados por sus padres |
|son más capaces de compartir sus sentimientos, pensamientos y preocupaciones con ellos. |
|A veces es más fácil para los padres sentir aceptación por sus hijos que demostrarla. Ellos deben hacerle saber a sus hijos que les aman y aceptan. |
|Esto se puede lograr de manera verbal y no verbal. Los padres pueden hacer saber a sus hijos verbalmente que los aceptan por medio de lo que dicen. |
|Ellos deben tratar de mandar mensajes positivos a sus hijos. Por ejemplo, cuando el niño recoge sus juguetes una vez que ha terminado con ellos, los |
|padres pueden hacerle saber que lo aprecian diciendo algo como, "Me gusta cuando recoges tus juguetes sin que yo te lo pida." Cuando los padres |
|platican con sus hijos, deben tener cuidado con lo que dicen y la manera que lo dicen. Todo lo que un padre le dice a su hijo envía un mensaje de la |
|opinión que ellos tienen de sus hijos. Por ejemplo, si el padre dice algo como, "No me molestes. Estoy ocupado," sus hijos pensarán que sus |
|necesidades no son importantes. |
|No verbalmente, los padres pueden demostrar su aceptación a sus hijos por medio de ademanes, expresiones faciales, y otras señales no verbales. Los |
|padres deben eliminar los gritos, y prestarles más atención a sus hijos. Esta conducta interfiere con la comunicación efectiva. La práctica hace al |
|maestro: Los padres deben aprender a demostrar aceptación en formas que los niños entenderán. |
|*Comuníquese al nivel del niño. Cuando los padres se comunican con sus hijos, es importante que lo hagan al nivel del niño, verbal y físicamente. |
|Verbalmente, los padres deben tratar de usar lenguaje apropiado a la edad de sus hijos para que puedan entender. |
|Con niños más pequeños, esto se puede lograr usando palabras simples. Por ejemplo, los niños pequeños entienden mejor si se les dice, "No golpees a |
|tu hermana," en lugar de "No es aceptable que golpees a tu hermana." Los padres deben saber lo que sus hijos pueden entender y no deberían tratar de |
|comunicarse en maneras que sus hijos no podrán entender. Físicamente, los padres no deben, por ejemplo, encumbrarse sobre sus hijos cuando se |
|comunican con ellos. En cambio, deben tratar de ponerse al nivel del niño ya sea de rodillas, sentados o agachados. Esto facilitará el contacto con |
|la mirada y los niños se sentirán menos intimidados por los padres cuando se miran cara a cara. |
|*Aprenda a realmente escuchar. Escuchar es una habilidad que se debe aprender y practicar. Escuchar es una parte muy importante de la comunicación |
|efectiva. Cuando los padres escuchan a sus hijos les están mostrando que están interesados y que ponen atención a lo que sus hijos tienen que decir. |
|A continuación se ofrecen unos consejos para convertirse en mejores escuchas: |
|>Haga y mantenga el contacto con la mirada. Los padres que hacen esto les demuestran a sus hijos que están interesados. Si no se hace contacto con la|
|mirada, los niños pueden pensar que sus padres no están interesados en lo que dicen. |
|>Elimine las distracciones. Cuando los niños expresan el deseo de platicar, los padres deben brindarles su atención completa. Deben poner a un lado |
|lo que están haciendo, mirar a sus hijos y ponerles atención. Si los padres por ejemplo, continúan leyendo al periódico, o mirando la televisión |
|cuando sus hijos tratan de comunicarse, los niños pueden pensar que sus padres no están interesados en lo que tienen que decir o que no es |
|importante. Si los niños desean comunicarse y los padres no pueden, los padres deben planear una hora después para platicar con ellos. |
|>Escuche con la boca cerrada. Los padres deben tratar de interrumpir lo menos que se pueda cuando sus hijos hablan. Pueden ofrecer apoyo por medio de|
|una sonrisa o una caricia, sin interrumpir. Las interrupciones a menudo hacen que la persona que habla pierda su concentración, lo que es muy |
|frustrante. |
|>Haga saber a sus hijos que han sido escuchados. Una vez que los niños han terminado de hablar, los padres pueden mostrarles que han prestado |
|atención repitiendo lo que acaban de escuchar, con palabras diferentes, por ejemplo, "Parece que tuviste un día muy bueno en la guardería." Esto no |
|solo les indica que sus padres han estado escuchando. También es una oportunidad de aclarar las cosas si los padres no entendieron algo o interpretan|
|mal lo que sus niños tratan de decir. |
|*Mantenga las conversaciones breves. Entre más pequeños son los niños, más difícil es que pongan atención a sermones largos. Una buena regla es que |
|los padres hablen con sus hijos por 30 segundos, luego pregúnteles algo o pida su opinión de lo que se ha hablado. El objetivo es que los padres |
|pasen información a sus hijos poco a poco y cerciorarse que los niños están atentos y comprenden lo que se les dice. Los padres deben permitirles a |
|sus hijos que decidan cuando algo es demasiado. Deben buscar señales de que sus hijos han tenido suficiente. Estas incluyen la inquietud, falta de |
|contacto visual, y distracción. Los padres deben saber cuando comunicarse con sus hijos, pero deben también saber cuando aguantarse. |
|*Haga las preguntas correctas. Algunas preguntas ayudan a mantener el curso de una conversación, mientras que otras la pueden parar en seco. Los |
|padres deben tratar de hacer preguntas fáciles de contestar en sus conversaciones con sus hijos. Estas preguntas requieren a menudo respuestas |
|detalladas que mantendrán la conversación interesante. Preguntas abiertas que comienzan con las palabras "qué", "cuando", "quién", o "como", son a |
|menudo muy serviciales para que los niños se sientan cómodos. Los padres deben evitar las preguntas que solo requieren respuestas de SI o NO. Aunque |
|hacer preguntas indicadas ayuda en la conversación, los padres necesitan tener cuidado de no hacer muchas preguntas cuando conversan con sus hijos. |
|Cuando esto sucede, las conversaciones se convierten en interrogatorios y los niños no se interesarán en participar. |
|*Exprese sus ideas y opiniones con sus hijos cuando se comunique con ellos. Para que la comunicación sea efectiva, debe haber dos lados. No solo los |
|padres deben estar disponibles para sus hijos y listos a escucharlos, para que la comunicación efectiva tome lugar; también deben estar preparados |
|para compartir ideas y sentimientos con sus hijos. Los padres pueden enseñar a sus hijos muchas cosas, por ejemplo, morales y valores, expresando sus|
|ideas y opiniones. Cuando comparten sus ideas, sin embargo, deben tener cuidado de no pasar juicios. Parece lógico que entre más francos sean los |
|padres con sus hijos, más francos serán los hijos con sus padres. |
|*Planeé regularmente juntas de familia o tiempo para platicar. Una forma muy útil para las familias de comunicarse efectivamente con niños más |
|mayores es planear juntas para platicar. Esto se puede lograr de varias formas. En primer lugar, existe la junta familiar. Esta junta puede planearse|
|una vez a la semana y/o cuando hay algo que la familia debe discutir. La familia puede utilizar estas juntas para discutir detalles cotidianos, como |
|tareas, horas de volver a casa y horas de acostarse. Estas juntas familiares también son una buena oportunidad para discutir quejas y problemas. Este|
|tiempo también se puede utilizar para hablar de cosas positivas que han ocurrido durante la semana. Lo importante es que cada miembro de la familia |
|tenga tiempo para hablar y ser escuchado por los demás. |
|El horario regular para platicar y comunicarse no tiene que ser tan formal como la junta familiar. Por ejemplo, las familias pueden utilizar la hora |
|de la cena para enterarse de lo que sucede con los demás. O los padres pueden hacer tiempo para tomar parte en juegos de comunicación, como escoger |
|temas específicos de discusión y darle a cada uno en la familia la oportunidad de expresar su opinión. Lo que importa es que la familia aparte tiempo|
|regularmente para comunicarse con uno y otro. |
|*Admita cuando usted no sabe algo. Cuando los niños hacen preguntas que los padres no pueden contestar, los padres pueden admitir que no saben la |
|respuesta. Pueden también utilizar estas ocasiones como lecciones. Por ejemplo, los padres pueden enseñar a sus hijos a encontrar información en la |
|biblioteca, en las enciclopedias, etc. Es mucho mejor que los padres demuestren a sus hijos que ellos son humanos y que no saben todo, que inventar |
|alguna respuesta que puede ser falsa. |
|*Trate de dar explicaciones completas. Al contestar las preguntas de los niños, los padres deben proveer tanta información como sea necesaria, aunque|
|los temas sean de algo que los padres no se sienten cómodos para hablar. Esto no significa que los padres tienen que describir detalle por detalle. |
|Solo que es importante es que los padres sepan cuanta información necesitan sus niños y proveérsela. Los padres deben asegurarse de que esta |
|información sea apropiada a la edad de lo niños. También deben alentar a los niños a que hagan preguntas. Esto ayudará a los padres a enterarse del |
|tipo de información que buscan los niños. No dar información suficiente puede tener como consecuencia que los niños se formen criterios que no son |
|necesariamente verdaderos. |
|Comunicación Durante Conflictos |
|Todas las familias tendrán conflictos una que otra vez. Aunque los conflictos pueden ser desconcertantes, no tienen que distraer mucho. Hay varias |
|cosas que los padres pueden hacer para aminorar los conflictos y al mismo tiempo mantener abiertas las líneas de comunicación. A continuación se |
|ofrecen algunas sugerencias. |
|*Resuelva un problema a la vez. Durante los conflictos, es mejor tratar de resolver un problema a la vez. No es buena idea discutir varios temas al |
|mismo tiempo. Esto puede ser confuso para padres e hijos. Cuando esto sucede las familias pierden rápido la mira de los temas importantes. |
|*Busque maneras creativas de resolver los problemas. Cuando se trata de resolver conflictos, los padres deben tener en cuenta que existe más de una |
|solución para cada problema. Padres e hijos deben trabajar juntos para encontrar soluciones que sean satisfactorias para ambos. La flexibilidad para |
|resolver problemas es una habilidad muy buena que los niños pueden aprender. Si una solución no funciona, los padres deben tratar de ser |
|suficientemente flexibles para encontrar otra. |
|*Sea cortés. Los padres no deben olvidar las reglas comunes de cortesía solo porque se trata de sus hijos. Durante los conflictos, o quizás en otras |
|ocasiones, los padres deben tratar a sus hijos con el mismo respeto con que tratarían a cualquier otra persona. Los niños son personas también, y por|
|lo tanto merecen ser tratados con respeto. A veces durante el calor de la discusión o el desacuerdo, los padres les dicen cosas a sus hijos que nunca|
|dirían a otro pariente o amistad cercana. Los padres deben hacer el esfuerzo de no hacer esto. |
|*Utilice mensajes de "YO". Cuando se discuten los conflictos con sus hijos, los padres deben siempre tratar de referirse a los problemas conforme a |
|su opinión. Por ejemplo, en lugar de decir "Tú nunca recoges la ropa como se supone," los padres pueden decir "Yo me siento frustrado cuando tu no |
|recoges tu ropa." Al usar "Yo", los padres les expresan a sus hijos como los hace sentir su conducta, en lugar de acusarlos o humillarlos. Hablando |
|de "YO" es efectivo con los niños porque ellos no tienden a rebelarse contra algo que se les dice con respecto a la manera de sentir de los padres. |
|Cuando se les dice algo con respecto a los sentimientos del padre, los niños se sienten menos amenazados que si se les habla con acusaciones y/o |
|culpa. Hablando de "YO" también enseña a sus hijos a ser responsables por sus actos. Los padres que expresan sus sentimientos de tal manera enseñan a|
|sus hijos a comportarse así también. |
|*Esté dispuesto a perdonar. Enseñe a sus hijos a perdonar, haciéndolo usted mismo. |
|Como Evitar La Comunicación Negativa |
|Desafortunadamente, muchos padres no están conscientes de cuantas veces utilizan formas negativas para comunicarse con sus hijos. Esto padres pueden,|
|como resultado, estar plantando la semillas de la desconfianza y el bajo nivel de amor propio de sus hijos. Es por esto que es importante que los |
|padres se enteren y corrijan cualquier forma de comunicación negativa que usan con sus hijos. A continuación se ofrece una lista de ejemplos de mala |
|comunicación. Los padres deben revisar esta lista e identificar las tendencias que son familiares. Después de identificar las áreas problemáticas, |
|los padres pueden empezar a hacer cambios. Recuerde que esta lista no contiene todos los ejemplos de comunicación negativa. Hay quizás muchas formas |
|de comunicación que se consideran negativas que no están incluidas en esta lista. |
|Ejemplos De Comunicación Negativa Que Los Padres Deben Evitar |
|*Fastidios y sermones. Fastidiar es repetir algo que ya se ha dicho. Sermonear es dar más información de la que es necesaria sin dar cabida a otras |
|opiniones o ideas. Los padres pueden evitar fastidios y sermones manteniendo breves las conversaciones con sus hijos. También deben tener en cuenta |
|que una vez que les han dicho algo a sus hijos, no es necesario decirlo de nuevo. En lugar de fastidiarlos, los padres pueden usar otra consecuencia,|
|como un tiempo fuera, cuando sus hijos no hacen algo que se les ha pedido. Fastidiar y sermonear hace que los niños dejen de escuchar o se pongan a |
|la defensiva o se sientan resentidos. |
|*Interrupciones. Cuando los niños estén hablando, los padres deben darles la oportunidad de terminar lo que están diciendo antes de que ellos hablen.|
|Es una regla de cortesía. Los niños que sienten que no son escuchados, pueden dejar de tratar de comunicarse con sus padres por completo. |
|*Críticas. Los padres no deben de criticar los sentimientos, las opiniones o ideas de sus hijos. A menudo los niños miran esto como un ataque, lo que|
|resulta en poco amor propio. Cuando sea necesario, los padres deben criticar cierta conducta, o lo que sus niños han hecho, pero no critique al niño |
|mismo. |
|*Viviendo en el pasado. Una vez que el problema o conflicto se ha resuelto, los padres deben tratar de no mencionarlo otra vez. A los niños se les |
|debe permitir volver a empezar. Los padres que mencionan constantemente los errores que sus hijos han cometido en el pasado, están enseñando a sus |
|hijos a guardar rencores por mucho tiempo. Además, los niños deben saber que una vez que un problema ha sido resuelto, permanecerá resuelto. |
|*Tratar de controlar a sus hijos usando sentimientos de culpabilidad. Esto incluye intentar que los niños se sientan culpables por sus opiniones, |
|sentimientos y/o acciones. Los padres que usan la culpabilidad para controlar a sus hijos pueden hacer un gran daño a su relación con ellos. |
|*Usar sarcasmo. Los padres están usando sarcasmo cuando dicen algo que no quieren decir, o insinúan lo opuesto a lo que dicen por el tono de su voz. |
|Un ejemplo sería un padre diciendo "Oh, qué gracioso eres," cuando un niño rompe algo. El sarcasmo hiere a los niños y nunca sirve cuando los padres |
|tratan de comunicarse efectivamente con sus hijos. |
|*Decirle a sus hijos como resolver sus problemas. Esto sucede cuando los padres intervienen y les dicen a sus hijos como hacer las cosas, en lugar de|
|dejarlos que busquen soluciones a sus problemas. Los padres que le dicen a sus hijos como resolver sus problemas, pueden hacer creer al niño que el |
|no tiene ningún control sobre su propia vida. Estos niños pueden acabar creyendo que sus padres no les tienen confianza. O, pueden ofenderse cuando |
|se les dice lo que deben hacer y como resultado se rebelan contra los consejos de sus padres. |
|*Hacer que los niños se sientan menos. Las humillaciones toman diferentes formas, como nombres ofensivos, ridiculizar, pasar juicio, culpabilidad, |
|etc. Las humillaciones perjudican la buena comunicación, también dañan el amor propio de los niños. Los niños que son humillados por sus padres a |
|menudo se sienten rechazados, no amados, e incapaces. |
|*Amenazar. Las amenazas rara vez son efectivas. A menudo hacen que los niños se sientan sin poder y se resienten con sus padres. |
|*Mentir. No importa que tan grande sea la tentación de inventar una mentira para evitar, por ejemplo, hablar del sexo, los padres nunca deben mentir.|
|Deberían tratar de ser francos y honestos con sus hijos. Esto hará que sus hijos también sean francos y honestos con sus padres. Además, los niños |
|son muy perspicaces. Son muy buenos para presentir si sus padres son totalmente honestos con ellos. Esto puede causar desconfianza. |
|*Negarles sus sentimientos a los niños. Cuando los niños les dicen a sus padres como se sienten, los padres no deben de tomarlo a la ligera. Si por |
|ejemplo, el padre piensa que el niño no debería estar triste por haber perdido un juego de básquetbol, no debería decir nada. Puede en cambio decir |
|algo que ayude, por ejemplo, "Yo se que tu querías realmente ganar. A veces es difícil perder." Con niños más pequeños, esto se puede lograr con |
|palabras más sencillas y directas. Los niños necesitan que sus padres apoyen sus sentimientos. Los padres necesitan demostrar apoyo a sus hijos |
|cuando se trata de sus sentimientos. Si no, sus hijos se sentirán mal entendidos por sus padres. |
|Forjando la Buena Comunicación |
|Aquí hay algunos ejemplos de cosas que los padres pueden decirle a sus hijos para ayudar a abrir las líneas de comunicación. |
|"Me gustaría saber más del asunto." |
|"Dime más acerca de esto." |
|"Habla. Yo escucho." |
|"Yo entiendo." |
|"Qué piensas tú de…." |
|"¿De qué te gustaría hablar?" |
|¿Hay algo más de lo que quieres hablar? |
|"Eso suena interesante." |
|"Me interesa." |
|"Explícamelo por favor." |
|La comunicación franca y efectiva toma mucho trabajo y práctica. Los padres deben recordar que no son perfectos. Ellos cometen errores. Lo que |
|importa es que los padres se esfuercen a comunicarse efectivamente con sus hijos, desde que estos son pequeños. El resultado será una relación más |
|cercana y positiva entre los padres y sus hijos. |
| |
|[pic] |
|Centro Para el Padre Efectivo |
|Little Rock Center (501) 364-7580 |
|NW Arkansas Center (479) 751-6166 |
| |
|Escrito por Kristin Zolten, M.A. & Nicholas Long, Ph.D. Departamento de Pediatría, Universidad de Arkansas para Ciencias Médicas. Arte de Scott |
|Snider. Traducido por Jorge N. Amaral, Centro Para el Padre Efectivo. Springdale, Arkansas. |
|©1997 |
| |
| | |
| |
STRESS MANAGEMENT FOR PARENTS
[pic][pic]
Stress is something that is a part of all of our lives. It is impossible to totally avoid stress. In fact, mild to moderate amounts of stress can be good for you. Too much stress, however, can result in various problems. Specific reactions to stress vary from person to person. Excessive stress can have a negative effect on people's health, making them more susceptible to illness. Too much stress can also have a negative effect on relationships with family and friends. Regardless of how stress affects an individual, all people experiencing excessive stress need to identify what stressors are impacting them, and how to prevent and manage stress.
Signs That You May Be Experiencing Too Much Stress
There are many clues that your body gives that indicate you are under too much stress. Such clues may include a tight throat, sweaty palms, headache, fatigue, nausea, diarrhea, uneasiness, indigestion, depression, restlessness, frustration, and changes in sleeping or eating patterns. People who learn how to recognize these stress signs have taken the first step to combating stress. If high levels of stress continue, it can lead to numerous problems including increased risk of illness, increased risk of accidents, decreased satisfaction with life, and increased risk of alcohol and/or drug abuse.
*Increased risk of illness. There are a number of illnesses that are directly related to too much stress in one's life. Such illnesses include high blood pressure, coronary disease, and ulcers. Too much stress can also affect a person's immune system, making it more difficult to combat illnesses when they occur. Such people may get ill more easily and take longer to recover than a person who is not under stress.
*Increased risk of accidents. There is a great deal of research indicating that when people are under a lot of stress they tend to have more accidents. People who are stressed are probably less likely to follow safety precautions and may have slower reaction times because they are preoccupied.
*Decreased satisfaction. People who are under too much stress generally aren't able to enjoy themselves. Relationships with family and friends may suffer as a result, leaving the stressed-out person with little or no support.
*Increased risk of alcohol and/or drug abuse. People who are under too much stress and who have not developed effective coping skills run the risk of abusing drugs and/or alcohol. People who don't know how to cope with their stress in constructive ways may turn to artificial means such as alcohol, drugs, or food to relieve their stress. When this happens, the stress is compounded.
Things That Can Be Done to Decrease Stress
*When you're experiencing stress, don't ignore it. Learn to recognize what causes stress in your life. When you feel stress coming on, take steps to control it, rather than letting it control you. Whenever possible, try to eliminate significant stressors in your life.
*Reframe your stress. You can control the way events affect you. You decide to a large extent how stressful a particular situation is for you. Try to take steps to change your interpretations of the things that cause stress for you. For example, if your spouse overreacts to a minor incident and yells at you, instead of letting the incident overly upset you, you can choose to reframe it by saying to yourself, "He's usually not so touchy about that. He must be having a bad day." This is an example of reframing a stressful situation. The key is to try to come up with alternative interpretations to stressful situations that will relieve the stress. Of course, it's not possible to reframe every stressful situation. There will be times when the stress you perceive in a situation is quite real. For example, if a mean looking dog begins chasing you, it is probably best to run instead of trying to reframe the stress you feel!
*Work on changing your beliefs. Your beliefs determine a lot about your life: How you behave, how you raise your children, the choices you make in life, etc. Your beliefs also determine what will and will not be stressful for you. Sometimes certain faulty beliefs lead to increased stress. In these instances it's a good idea to make an attempt to change these specific beliefs. For example, if you believe that your children should be well-behaved at all times, you will likely experience frequent stress when they misbehave. In such a case, it would reduce stress to alter this belief to one that allows for normal misbehavior that is common in all children.
*Don't be perfectionistic. It's not possible to be perfect in all areas of your life. Don't be so hard on yourself. Realize that you cannot do everything perfectly. Be more realistic in your expectations of yourself.
*Develop good problem-solving skills. When faced with a significant problem, try to clearly define the exact problem. Then generate a list of various ways the problem could be managed. Evaluate each potential solution and then make a decision.
*Choose how to spend your time wisely. It is important to decide which activities are important to you, and which are not. It is also important that you know your limit. Don't take on more than you can handle. One very important skill to develop is the ability to say "no."
*Don't put off making decisions. Many people create and prolong stress by delaying a decision that needs to be made. They end up brooding about an issue rather than resolving it. Once you have all the information necessary to make a decision, try to make the decision as quickly as possible. Avoid hashing and rehashing issues once a decision has been made.
*Get organized. Getting organized will help you make better use of your time and energy. Set realistic goals for yourself and stick to them. Getting organized also involves learning how to plan. Try to plan your activities in advance. Make lists and then rank each item on the list in order of priority. To increase your motivation to complete items on your list, decide in advance to do something enjoyable when you have completed specific items on your list. Another important part of getting organized is to stop procrastinating. Procrastination is putting off things that need to be done. This is a great time waster and stress increaser.
*Learn how to relax. Relaxation skills can help you release tension caused by stress. There are many different ways of relaxing. Some people use their imagination to help them relax. They do this by closing their eyes, and trying to focus on positive and relaxing images (e.g., lying on a beach). Many specialized relaxation techniques are complex and require training (e.g., progressive muscle relaxation that involves learning how to tense and relax specific muscle groups). Health care providers who deal with stress-related disorders can often recommend professionals who offer training in these relaxation techniques. The use of specific relaxation skills, when used on a regular basis, has been shown to help people combat the physical and mental aspects of stress.
*Get enough sleep and/or rest. People who do not get enough sleep and/or rest will not have the energy required to combat life's stresses. Make an effort to get to bed at a decent hour every night. An adequate and consistent sleeping schedule is important to your physical and mental health. If you have trouble falling asleep at night, practice specific relaxation techniques. Try to avoid using sleeping pills or alcohol to help you go to sleep.
*Set aside time for fun. Make sure you set aside time for fun in your schedule. Participating in fun activities is a great way to restore energy. Such activities could be solitary hobbies, or things done with the family or a group of friends. What's important is that it is enjoyable to you.
*Eat a well-balanced diet. Proper nutrition is a very important part of combating stress. Food is what gives a person the energy to combat stress. The best diet for stress is one that is natural (with few additives), has the right amount of calories - just enough to maintain a healthy body weight, and is balanced. Increase your consumption of fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. Decrease your intake of foods high in fat, cholesterol, and refined sugars. Decrease salt and caffeine in your diet.
*Maintain a healthy body weight. Being overweight is stressful to your body and makes it more difficult to combat stress. A healthy weight allows you to have greater energy which enables you to handle stress more effectively.
*Get regular exercise. Exercise is an excellent way to combat stress. First of all, it works out tension that has built up in your body. Secondly, exercise provides for physical fitness, which allows you to more efficiently combat stress. Finally, exercise helps clear the mind, making it easier to relax. Exercise, however, will not be effective in combating stress unless it is done regularly. The specific activity that is chosen is not important. What is important is that it is enjoyable to you, and you stick with it.
*Develop a budget. Money (or rather lack of money) is a significant stressor to many individuals. If this is a concern for you, it is important to develop a weekly or monthly budget. Once you develop a budget, stay within it! If you have major financial problems consult a professional for advice (many communities have programs that offer free financial planning services for individuals in financial distress).
*Focus on the positives. When people are under a lot of stress they tend to focus more on negative events. It is important not to lose perspective on your life. Try to maintain a focus on the positive aspects of your life both at home and at work.
*Develop support systems. When you are under stress, you need the support of people around you. Learn how to reach out to those around you for comfort and support. Find a trusted friend to talk to about your stress. To develop an adequate support system, you must be willing to give support to others, too. Learn how to be a good friend. Listen to others and provide a shoulder to lean on when they are under stress and need support.
*Maintain a sense of humor. A sense of humor is critical in helping people handle stress. It is important not to take things too seriously. People who can laugh at themselves tend to be able to handle stress more effectively. Try to look for humor in stressful situations.
*Seek professional assistance if you have significant problems coping with stress. Consult with your health care provider if you feel overwhelmed and unable to cope with the stressors in your life and/or would like assistance learning how to more effectively cope with stress.
| |
| |[pic] |
Center for Effective Parenting
Little Rock Center: (501) 364-7580
NW Arkansas Center: (479) 751-6166
parenting-
|Manejando el Estrés |
|(Stress Management for Parents) |
|El estrés es algo que es parte de todas nuestras vidas. Es imposible evitar el estrés completamente. De hecho, |
|cantidades pequeñas o moderadas de estrés pueden ser buenas para usted. Demasiado estrés, sin embargo, puede causar |
|varios problemas. Reacciones específicas contra el estrés varían de persona en persona. El estrés excesivo puede tener |
|efectos negativos en la salud de la gente, haciéndolos más susceptibles a las enfermedades. El estrés excesivo también |
|puede tener un efecto negativo en las relaciones entre familiares y amigos. Sin importar como el estrés afecta al |
|individuo, todas las personas que están sometidas a estrés excesivo necesitan identificar qué es lo que los hace |
|preocuparse tanto y como prevenir y manejar el estrés. |
|Señales De Que Usted Puede Estar Bajo Demasiado Estrés |
|Hay muchas señales que el cuerpo da para indicar que usted está bajo demasiado estrés. Tales señales pueden incluir la |
|garganta irritada, fatiga, náusea, diarrea, inquietud, indigestión, depresión, ansiedad, frustración, y cambios en los |
|hábitos de comer y dormir. La gente que aprende a reconocer estos factores ha tomado el primer paso para combatir el |
|estrés. Si el alto nivel de estrés continúa, puede causar numerosos problemas inclusive el riesgo de enfermedades, más |
|riesgo de accidentes, menos satisfacción en la vida, y el mayor riesgo de abuso de alcohol y drogas. |
|*Aumento en el riesgo de enfermedad - Existe un número de enfermedades que están relacionadas directamente con la |
|cantidad de estrés en la vida de uno. Tales enfermedades incluyen la alta presión de sangre, enfermedades del corazón, y|
|úlceras. Demasiado estrés puede también afectar el sistema inmune de las personas, dificultando así la manera de |
|combatir las enfermedades cuando estas ocurren. Las personas que están bajo demasiado estrés se pueden enfermar más |
|fácilmente y tomar más tiempo en recuperarse que las personas que no tienen tanto estrés. |
|*Aumento en el riesgo de accidentes- Muchos estudios indican que cuando las personas están bajo demasiado estrés suelen |
|tener más accidentes. Las personas que están tensas probablemente prestan menos cuidado en seguir direcciones de |
|seguridad y pueden reaccionar más lentamente porque están tan preocupados. |
|*Menos satisfacción - La gente que está bajo demasiada tensión, generalmente no se divierte. Las relaciones entre |
|familiares y amigos pueden sufrir por este motivo, dejando a la persona afligida por la tensión, con poca o nada de |
|ayuda. |
|*Aumento en le riesgo del abuso de las drogas y el alcohol - La gente que sufre por demasiada tensión y que no ha |
|desarrollado los hábitos necesarios para manejarla, corre el riesgo de abusar de las drogas y el alcohol. La gente que |
|no puede manejar el estrés de manera constructiva, podría recurrir a formas artificiales tales como el alcohol, las |
|drogas, o la comida para aliviar la tensión. Cuando esto ocurre, el estrés se empeora. |
|Cosas que se pueden hacer para reducir el estrés |
|*Cuando sienta tensión, no la ignore - Aprenda a reconocer lo que causa tensión en su vida. Cuando sienta que el estrés |
|aumenta, tome pasos para controlarlo, en lugar de que este lo controle a usted. Cuando sea posible, trate de eliminar |
|cosas que causan tensión en su vida. |
|*Reformule (reclasifique) su estrés - Usted puede controlar la manera en que ciertos eventos lo afectan. Usted decide en|
|gran parte qué tan estresante es para usted una determinada situación. Trate de tomar pasos para cambiar su |
|interpretación de las cosas que le causan estrés. Por ejemplo, si su esposo reacciona demasiado por un pequeño incidente|
|y le grita, en lugar de permitir que este incidente le moleste, puede reformularlo diciéndose a usted misma, "Usualmente|
|no es tan delicado. Quizás está teniendo un día malo". Este es un ejemplo de como reformular una situación estresante. |
|La clave es tratar de encontrar interpretaciones alternativas que aliviaran la tensión de situaciones estresantes. Por |
|supuesto que no es posible reformular cada situación estresante. Habrá veces en que la tensión que siente en determinada|
|situación es verdadera. Por ejemplo, si un perro vicioso le persigue, quizás sería mejor correr que tratar de |
|identificar su estado de ánimo para ver que tipo de estrés siente. |
|*Trate de cambiar sus creencias - Sus creencias determinan mucho acerca de su vida. La manera en que usted se comporta, |
|cómo cría a sus hijos, las decisiones que toma durante su vida, etc. Sus creencias también determinan lo que será |
|estresante o no para usted. Algunas veces, ciertas creencias equivocadas crean situaciones tensas. En estos casos, es |
|una buena idea tratar de cambiar estas creencias. Por ejemplo, si usted creé que sus hijos deberían portarse bien todo |
|el tiempo, es posible que sentirá estrés frecuentemente cuando ellos se portan mal. En este caso, si cambia su creencia |
|por algo que permita el comportamiento normal de los niños, por consiguiente reducirá el estrés. |
|*No sea perfeccionista - No es posible ser perfecto en todos los aspectos de su vida. No demande tanto de usted. Tome en|
|cuenta que no puede hace todo a la perfección. Sea mas realista en lo que espera de usted. |
|*Desarrolle buenas técnicas para resolver problemas - Cuando se enfrente a un problema trate de definirlo claramente. |
|Después escriba una lista de las diferentes maneras en que el problema puede ser solucionado. Evalúe cada posible |
|solución y tome una decisión. |
|*Decida como utilizar su tiempo de manera inteligente - Es importante decidir cuáles actividades son más importantes |
|para usted, y cuáles no. También es importante saber su límite. No intente hacer cosas que no puede hacer. Una técnica |
|muy importante de desarrollar es la habilidad de decir "NO". |
|*No prolongue sus decisiones - Mucha gente crea y prolonga el estrés demorando una decisión que debe hacerse ahora. |
|Estas personas terminan dándole vueltas al problema en lugar de solucionarlo. Una vez que tiene la información necesaria|
|para tomar una |
|decisión, trate de tomarla lo más pronto posible. Evite andar con rodeos una vez que la decisión debe tomarse. |
|*Organícese - Organizarse puede ayudarle a utilizar mejor su tiempo y su energía. Póngase metas realísticas y trate de |
|obtenerlas. Organizándose también requiere aprender como planear. Trate de planear sus actividades por adelantado. Haga |
|listas y clasifique cada cosa en la lista por orden de importancia. Para incrementar su motivación y completar las cosas|
|en la lista, decida por adelantado hacer algo divertido cuando usted complete uno de los proyectos en su lista. Otro |
|aspecto importante de ser organizado es no aplazar las cosas. Aplazar las cosas significa dilatarse en hacer algo que |
|necesita hacerse. Esto es un gran desperdicio de tiempo y una manera de aumentar su estrés. |
|*Aprenda a relajarse - El relajamiento puede ayudarle a aliviar la tensión causada por el estrés. Existen muchas maneras|
|para relajarse. Algunas personas utilizan su imaginación para ayudarse a relajar. Esto lo hacen por medio de cerrar los |
|ojos, y tratando de enfocarse en imágenes positivas y relajantes (ej. solearse en la playa). Muchas técnicas |
|especializadas de relajamiento son complicadas y requieren entrenamiento (ej. relajamiento progresivo de los músculos |
|que requiere aprender a contraer y relajar ciertos grupos musculares). Los proveedores de cuidado de la salud que tratan|
|los problemas relacionados con el estrés pueden recomendar a algún profesional que ofrece entrenamiento en estas |
|técnicas de relajamiento. El uso de ciertas técnicas de relajamiento, cuando se usan regularmente, ha demostrado que |
|ayuda a las personas a combatir los aspectos físicos y mentales del estrés. |
|*Duerma y/o descanse adecuadamente- Las personas que no duermen o descansan adecuadamente no tendrán la energía |
|necesaria para combatir el estrés en su vida. Trate de acostarse a una hora razonable cada noche. Una rutina adecuada y |
|consistente de dormir es importante para su salud física y mental. Si tiene problemas durmiendo por la noche, practique |
|determinadas técnicas de relajamiento. Trate de evitar el uso de pastillas o alcohol para ayudarle a dormir. |
|*Reserve tiempo para la diversión - Asegúrese de reservar tiempo en su rutina para divertirse. Participando en |
|actividades divertidas es una gran manera de recuperar energía. Tales actividades pueden ser pasatiempos solitarios, o |
|que se pueden hacer con su familia o amistades. Lo importante es que usted las disfrute. |
|*Coma una dieta balanceada - La nutrición apropiada es muy importante para combatir la tensión. Los alimentos dan a la |
|gente la energía necesaria para combatir el estrés. La mejor manera de comer para combatir el estrés es comer alimentos |
|naturales, (pocos preservativos), que tengan la cantidad adecuada de calorías- suficientes para mantener un peso |
|saludable, y alimentos balanceados. Consuma más frutas, verduras y granos enteros. Coma menos comidas que contienen |
|mucha grasa, colesterol, y azúcar refinada. Disminuya el uso de sal y cafeína en su dieta. |
| |
|*Mantenga un peso saludable - Estar pasado de peso es malo para su cuerpo y hace más difícil combatir el estrés. Un peso|
|saludable permite tener más energía, lo que le ayuda a manejar el estrés más efectivamente. |
|*Haga ejercicio regularmente - El ejercicio es un manera excelente para combatir el estrés. En primer lugar, desahoga la|
|tensión acumulada en su cuerpo. En segundo lugar, el ejercicio provee buena condición física, lo que le permite combatir|
|el estrés más efectivamente. Finalmente, el ejercicio ayuda a aclarar su mente, facilitando el relajamiento. El |
|ejercicio, sin embargo, no será efectivo si no se hace regularmente. La actividad que se escoja no es importante. Lo que|
|importa es que sea consistente y agradable para usted. |
|*Haga un presupuesto - El dinero (o la falta de dinero) es algo muy estresante para muchos individuos. Si esto es algo |
|que le preocupa, es importante establecer un presupuesto semanal o mensual. ¡Una vez que haga su presupuesto, apéguese a|
|él! Si usted tiene serios problemas financieros, consulte a un profesional para que le aconseje (muchas comunidades |
|tienen programas que ofrecen servicios financieros gratis para personas con dificultades de dinero). |
|*Concéntrese en lo positivo - Cuando la gente está bajo mucha presión, tiende a concentrarse en las cosas negativas. Es |
|importante mantener su vida en perspectiva. Trate de enfocarse en los aspectos positivos de su vida tanto en su hogar |
|como en el trabajo. |
|*Desarrolle sistemas de apoyo - Cuando usted está bajo presión, necesita el apoyo de la gente que lo rodea. Aprenda a |
|extender la mano y pedir apoyo de los que le rodean. Encuentre a un amigo de confianza para platicar sobre su estrés. |
|Para desarrollar un sistema de apoyo, usted debe estar dispuesto a ayudar a otros también. Aprenda a ser un buen amigo. |
|Escuche a otros y ofrezca apoyo cuando ellos están bajo estrés y necesitan ayuda. |
|*Mantenga su sentido del humor - El buen sentido del humor es crítico para ayudar a la gente a manejar el estrés. Es |
|importante no tomar las cosas tan en serio. Las personas que pueden reírse de si mismas pueden tener la capacidad de |
|manejar el estrés más efectivamente. Trate de encontrar el humor en situaciones estresantes. |
|*Busque asistencia profesional si usted tiene serios problemas manejando el estrés - Consulte a su proveedor de |
|servicios de salud si se siente abrumado e incapaz de manejar las situaciones estresantes de su vida y/o si busca |
|asistencia para aprender cómo manejar el estrés efectivamente. |
|[pic] |Centro Para el Padre Efectivo |
| |Little Rock Center (501) 364-7580 |
| |NW Arkansas Center (479) 751-6166 |
|Escrito por Kristin Zolten, M.A. & Nicholas Long, Ph.D. Departamento de Pediatría, Universidad de Arkansas para Ciencias|
|Médicas. Arte de Scott Snider. Traducido por Jorge N. Amaral, Centro Para el Padre Efectivo. Springdale, Arkansas. |
|©1997 |
References
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