The Gatehouse
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The Gatehouse
Partner’s Support Group
Program Manual
Compiled by Arthur Lockhart and Paula Cordeiro
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Introduction 4
Acknowledgements 5
Participant Commentaries 6
Week One 7-21
Introductions 9
Reflect on Mindfulness, Gratitude and P.A.U.S.E 9
Partner Trust Exercise 9
Notes and Group Discussion 9
Forging Individual Transformation 10
Notes and Group Discussion 10
Courage 11
Fear Exercise and Questions 12-14
Video 1: Dr. Brene Brown: The Power of Vulnerability 14
Should Exercise 15
Notes and Group Discussion 16
Video 2: Dr. Brene Brown: Listening to Shame 16
Video 3: Dr. Jeffrey M. Schwartz: Ming and Its Potential, You are not Your Brain 16
4 Steps of Mindfulness 17
True Self 17
Components 1-4: Mindful State of Being: Examining the Concept of Mindfulness 18-20
Mindful Meditation 20
Meditation Exercise 20
Meditation Exercise Feedback Question 21
Final Thoughts 21
Week Two 22-35
Mindfulness, Gratitude and PAUSE 24
Meditation Exercise 24
Relationship Question 24
Video 1: Dr. Megan McElheran: “Trauma Change Resilience” (TED Conferences) 25
Notes and Group Discussion 25
Video 2: Dr. Brene Brown: “The Power of Vulnerability” 26
Notes and Group Discussion 26
Living in a World of Empathy 27
A Few Thoughts about Rage/Anger 27-28
Neuroplasticity 29-31
Four Steps of Mindfulness 32-33
Video 3: “Changing Your Mind with David Suzuki” 34
Notes and Group Discussion 34
Final Thoughts 35
Week Three 36-41
Mindfulness, Gratitude and PAUSE 38
Nurturing the Present 38
Steps 38
Anger of a State of Mind Example 38
Seeing the World with a New Pair of Eyes Context 38
New Pair of Eyes Example 38
Seed Thoughts 38-39
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Week Three Continued
Examining Fear as a Social Condition 39
Shame 39
Video: Dr. Brene Brown, Listing to Shame 39
Trauma and the Human Brain 40-41
Mindfulness in Practice 41
Final Thoughts 41
Week Four 42-48
Mindfulness, Gratitude and PAUSE 44-45
Video 1: Dr. Brene Brown, Shame and Guilt 45-47
Video Discussion 47
Video 2: Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz, You are not Your Brain 48
Video Discussion 48
Meditation Exercise and Steps 48
Acknowledgement Letter 49
References 50-51
Appendices 52-66
Appendix A 53
Parking Information 54
Method of Contact Support Group Facilitators 54
Emergency Contact Information 54
House Rules & Participant Signature Page 54-57
The Facilitator Role, Responsibilities and Guiding Principles 58
The Gatehouse Membership Form 59
Appendix B 60
Important Support Services and Telephone Numbers 61
Assaulted Women’s Help Line 61
City of Toronto Services 311 61
Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women 61
Find Help-211 Toronto.ca 61
Gerstein Centre Crisis Line 61
Men’s Project 61
Ontario Ministry of Health and Long-Term Care 61
Toronto Distress Centre 61
Victim’s Services Toronto 61
Ontario Ministry of Community and Social Services – Main Website 62
Ontario Ministry of Community and Social Services – Toronto Offices 62
Appendix C 62
Participant Feedback Form and Survey 63
Disclosure Form 64
Survey Questions 65-66
Introduction
Welcome to The Gatehouse Partner Support Group Program. Thank you for continuing to share your experiences and your healing journey. Your stories, experiences and knowledge will encourage and help others who are also on this same path.
You are continuing a journey that is presenting you with opportunities for transformation. While this is an internal process for you, it is also a public journey. Your transformation will affect everyone with whom you come into a relationship.
Imagine being able to say that you initiated a movement felt around the entire world. Right at this moment, you are creating profound ways for adults to transform the devastating effects of childhood sexual abuse into a state of healing and transformation. You are a part of a light seen around the world. Your engagement will enable illumination and transformation on a global level.
Imagine being able to say that you enabled one other human being in their struggle to experience their full human spirit. The implication of this view point is that personal transformation is intentional; it takes great effort. But most importantly, personal transformation is indeed doable. Additional thoughts about transformation are:
1) You are engaging in a process of uncovering and manifesting the strengths, wisdom, that is alive in every moment of your life.
2) You are engaging in a process of living the life you want and need to live.
3) You are your own personal alchemists: You have the insight and the ability to transform your trauma into triumph.
4) You are engaging in the process of discovering your true authentic self.
The Partner Support Group Program process will invite you to explore the issues that are most pertinent to you and your partner’s healing journey: Whatever your key issue(s); creating healthy relationships, creating a meaningful life, getting past self-sabotaging behaviours, obsessive compulsive behaviours, anger issues, shame, guilt, depression and fear.
All of these will be explored through the following key components:
• Mindfulness
• Gratitude
• Paying Attention Unveils Sacred Experiences (P.A.U.S.E.).
• Psychosynthesis
• Neuroplasticity
All of these components are presented within the context of Transformation Learning.
Acknowledgements
The information offered in this Partner’s Support Group Manual can be traced to a great many sources: professionals who work in the field of, peer and community based support programs, neuroscience, philosophy, psychology and education. And within these fields the predominant themes that are specifically referenced in this manual are: Mindfulness, Neuroplasticity, Psychosynthesis, Buddhism, Taoism and Transformative Learning. These specific works are referenced throughout the manual and are included in the References section.
The second source of information that has shaped this manual comes directly from the men and women who have participated in The Gatehouse Partner’s Support Group through their journey of healing. It is their collective voice, extraordinary wisdom, vulnerability and compassion that has truly been the magnificent source of inspiration for this manual.
So as we begin exploring this key aspect of our journey, I want to thank you for your voice and your strength. It is your story when heard and truly listened to that so many other people will be able to start their own journey and so from the center of my heart I thank each and every one of you.
“Thank you for being on the planet.”
Arthur Lockhart,
Founder Emeritus, The Gatehouse
May 2014
Brad Hutchinson,
Executive Director, The Gatehouse
May 2014
Participant Commentaries
“Wow… The time flew by! I wasn’t sure I wanted to spend my Sunday inside a classroom. But the day was bright and full of hope! I wish we could cover more – I wish there was another seminar to follow. I felt this great energy coming from Arthur. It is contagious (his calm deliberate demeanor). I look forward to reading this material and the info you send me via email. The Gatehouse and Arthur are two things that I am grateful for today. Thank you” (Anonymous).
“I feel a little more hope and understanding of my feelings and how to deal with what my life throws at me. I think this would be good for everybody, not just victims of sexual abuse. I felt a sense of calm, and it gave me lots of things to think about. It was very helpful, and I am grateful for it. Yes, I would like to know more. Thank you” (Anonymous).
“I found today’s session to be a good reminder about slowing down enough to observe my breathing, emotions and anxiety long enough to consider how to act in a way that better serves the heath of my relationship with my partner (and my own self health/love/knowledge)” (Anonymous).
“As the partner of someone who has been sexually abused I would like to learn more about how to be supportive without losing myself in the process (especially dealing with anger and improving opportunities for authentic communication without judgment). I would appreciate attending future workshops” (Anonymous).
“Today I felt that much of the work I’ve done over the years got validated. Concepts I’ve had previous experience with were presented from a different, very helpful angle. Specifically, the unobserved mind, and “stepping outside the short wall” (Tolle) to observe what’s going on for me from a non-judgment, objective place” (Anonymous).
“Parts of today were painful, emotional and awkward which tells me I invested in my time wisely today. One of my concerns before coming today was that it would be superficial. It was not at all. The Brene Brown video in particular was very powerful. I’m committed to my recovery process and definitely interested in more material and learning opportunities” (Anonymous).
“Looking forward to our next argument” (Anonymous).
WEEK ONE
1. Introductions
2. Reflect on Mindfulness, Gratitude and P.A.U.S.E
3. Partner Trust Exercise
4. Notes and Group Discussion
5. Forging Individual Transformation
6. Notes and Group Discussion
7. Courage
8. Fear Exercise and Questions
9. Video 1: Dr. Brene Brown; “The Power of Vulnerability” (TED Conferences)
10. Should Exercise
11. Notes and Group Discussion
12. Video 2: Dr. Brené Brown; “Listening to shame” (TED Conferences)
13. Video 3: Dr. Jeffrey M. Schwartz; “Mind and its Potential: You are not your brain”
14. 4 Steps of Mindfulness
15. True Self
16. Components 1-4: Mindful State of Being: Examining the concept of Mindfulness
17. Mindful Meditation
18. Meditation Exercise
19. Meditation Exercise Questions
20. Final Thoughts
“The past equals the future, only if you live there.”
(A. Robbins)
“You cannot find yourself by going into the past. You find yourself by coming into the present.”
(E. Tolle)
Please take some time to reflect on the following:
Mindfulness, Gratitude and “Paying Attention Unveils Sacred Experiences” (P.A.U.S.E.)
We are now going to conduct a Partner Trust Exercise. Please follow the steps below:
Partner Trust Exercise Steps:
1. Stand in front of your partner.
2. You will lean backwards, as if you were falling.
3. Your partner will catch you.
4. After you have completed this exercise, switch places with your partner and conduct the exercise again.
Notes and Group Discussion:
Please take a moment to write and discuss the following question with your partner. Afterwards, provide your feedback to the Facilitator and group.
1. How did this Trust Exercise make you feel?
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Forging Individual Transformation
“You cannot find yourself by trying to stay in the past, you find yourself by coming mindfully into the present. This is the experience of transformation”
“Transformation is always intentional. Transformation is always doable”
“Transformation – “A process whereby we move over time to reformulate our structures for making meaning, usually through reconstructing dominant narratives or stories. This provides us with a more dependable way to make meaning within our lives, since we are questioning our own points of view, looking and reflecting on alternate points of view and often creating a new, more reliable and meaningful way of knowing that may be different from our old habits of the mind. This requires us to become open to others points of view, and to be able to reflect on new points of view and information and often go back and reconstruct what we know and how we know it” (Mezirow, 2000).
“Transformation does not come without struggle”
-Lockhart, 2014
Notes and Group Discussion: Please answer the question in the space provided below. Please sit with someone else (other than your partner) and discuss your responses with them. When you are finished your discussion, provide your feedback to the Facilitators.
1. What do the above statements about Forging Individual Transformation mean to you?
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Courage:
“It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that they are difficult”
-Seneca
I was talking with someone today about fear and really what we were conversing about was courage. Courage we both agreed is necessary element for one to stay on the sacred path. Courage is born from my will to explore and appreciate my strengths and vulnerabilities. Courage initiates and supports my move away from a state of withholding. Withholding is simply a form of fear, which ties up my energies or converts to unusable transformational energy into the unusable constraining, confining energy. In essence, I become stuck.
Courage allows me to move away from the withholding experience because I am free to express my fears and vulnerabilities. This is when I am at my strongest; when I am able to voice my fears and vulnerabilities.
I am able to realize through courage that I am able to let go of fear. The simple act of letting go tells me immediately then that in order to let go I am the one who is holding the fear; literally I am the one who is stuffing the fear into my invisible knapsack. No one else packed my knapsack and no one else can unpack my knapsack; the knapsack is mine.
Through courage I have transcended fear by saying, “here it (fear) is and I am letting me be free of fear.”
When I do not nurture my courage, my immune system weakens, I may contract illnesses, ulcers, skin lesions, headaches, back aches, insomnia, over eat, under eat, develop nervous ticks to name a few. Courage on the other hand, when it is embraced immediately creates freedom of mobility on every possible level; physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.
Courage in this form encourages me to stay the course of my sacred path. I am able to see that my path will have obstacles along the way, not the least which will be that age-old fear character, but when that character does surface (and indeed it will), that I have the courage to say, “Thanks for showing up, I must be learning something new today.”
Embrace the energy of the fear and transform that into courage into a liberating state.
Fear Exercise and Questions: Reflect on a time when you were afraid to take the initiative on something, or stopped, froze, and refused to continue on with an activity. You may write in the space provided below:
1. What was the activity?
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2. What happened to your body?
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3. What happened to your voice?
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4. What happened to your thought process?
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Fear Exercise Questions Continued-
5. If you were to give fear a name or an image in that circumstance, what would it be?
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6. Has this image surfaced before in your life?
Draw an image/sketch/poem/of fear, the withholding.
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Fear Exercise Questions Continued-
Now, reflect on a time when you moved passed fear and into a state of achievement. Answer the following questions:
1. What name or image would you give this ability?
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2. Have this image surfaced before in your life?
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We are now going to watch an educational video, which discusses the power of vulnerability, presented by: Dr. Brene Brown.
Video 1 Title: Dr. Brene Brown; “The Power of Vulnerability” (TED Conferences)
Website Link:
Should Exercise: In the following space provided, please write down 3 sentences that begin with the words, “I should” and then complete your statement. For example: “I should run faster.”
I should…
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I should…
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I should…
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Now, change your above statements to state the following:
I have the capacity to…
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I have the capacity to…
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I have the capacity to…
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Notes and Group Discussion:
Take some time to reflect on the previous “Should Exercise.” Answer the following questions with a partner (different partner from previous exercise) and then discuss your answers with the Facilitator and group.
1. How did this exercise make you feel at first?
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2. How did the exercise make you feel after you changed your statements to “Capacity,” as opposed to “Should” statements?
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3. What do you think about the exercise?
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4. Did you think that the exercise was beneficial? Please explain.
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We are going to watch some more insightful videos.
Video 2 Title: Dr. Brené Brown; “Listening to shame” (TED Conferences)
Website Link:
Video 3 Title: Dr. Jeffrey M. Schwartz; “Mind and its Potential: You are not your brain”
Website Link:
Please read the 4 Steps of Mindfulness by Dr. Jeffrey M. Schwartz below:
4 Steps of Mindfulness:
1. RELABEL: Identify the intrusive thoughts and urges as uncomfortable situations. Call them what they really are.
2. REFRAME: Say why these thoughts and urges keep bothering you. They are false brain messages (It’s not me, it’s just my brain).
3. REFOCUS: Direct your attention by focusing your attention on something else that is productive and wholesome. DO ANOTHER BEHAVIOUR.
4. REVALUE: Do not take the thoughts and urges at face value. They are simply sensations caused by deceptive brain messages. Progressive mindfulness (the ultimate aim of the 4 steps). True self.
True Self:
Living according to your true self means seeing yourself for who you are really are based on your sincere striving to embody the values and achieve the goals you truly believe in. It includes approaching yourself, your true emotions and needs, from a loving, caring nurturing perspective that is consistent with how your loving inner guise (Wise Advocate) sees you.
Think about this question for a moment – “What is the life that I want to lead?”
Components 1-4: Mindful State of Being: Examining the concept of Mindfulness
Below are the basic outlines of each of the components that will frame all of the discussions throughout the Partner Support Group Program.
“You really can nudge your whole being in a better direction every day. When you change your brain you change your life”
-R. Hanson & R. Mendius, p.3
This 4 step process has been adapted from the seminal work of Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz and his model is referenced further on in the manual.
Component 1 Mindful State of Being (Mindfulness)
Step 1: Mindful Awareness: This comes from the vigilant process of paying attention to one’s experience on an ongoing basis. This is often referred to as, “being present” and “being in the now,” “The impartial observer.”
Example of Mindful Awareness (MA): I am putting off going to the gym. I have come up with excuses as to why I cannot go. For example; “I do not have enough time.” When I simply observe this feeling of procrastination under MA, I take note of it. I do not allow this procrastination to direct me. I simply observe the states that this procrastination is creating within me. I don’t try to hide from the procrastination. I simply observe it and see how it is taking form.
Step Two: Insight Observation (IO): Based on my stepping back and observing what is transpiring I allow the insight to surface. I observe what the source of the procrastination is. The insight may be that deep down, I believe that I am not deserving of being in shape. This may be the shame and self-esteem issues that are so often tied to the issues of childhood sexual abuse. With this insight I focus on the reality that this notion of shame is really not within me. It is outside of me. I prove this by simply naming it for what it is. It is a state that has no hold on me. It is a thought, only a thought that serves no purpose in allowing me to move forward on my sacred path and with this insight I move onto step three.
Step Three: Focus Attention (FA): In this state, I focus my attention on a behaviour activity that moves me away from the confining previous thought (procrastination in this example). This behaviour would be one that affirms the benefit of going to the gym, but the focus goes deep as to why one is going to the gym. For example, going to the gym means that I am moving forward with my physical health, my mental health and my emotional health. Going to the gym means that I am in control of my thoughts. My thoughts are not in control of me. The list and reasons for going to the gym through (FA) can be long and ongoing. FA results in a physical, mental and emotional movement away from the “stuckness.”
Components Continued-
Step Four: Intentional Action (IA): In this state, I now create and implement whatever steps that build on steps 1, 2 and 3. For example, perhaps I am unable to go to the gym, but I create time to do a variation of the workout that I would have done at the gym. What is significant about this process is that it becomes integrated into one’s life and forges individual transformation. Remember, “Process is more important that outcome” (A. Robbins). Who you become in the process of transformation is the real issue.
“The Opposite of Creativity is violence”
-Professor Arthur Lockhart, Founder Emeritus, The Gatehouse, 2014
Component 2- Attitude of Gratitude: “Beginning daily ritual of activities with gratitude, compassion, empathy” (A. Lockhart). At the start of every day, within the first 2 minutes take a moment to offer gratitude in whatever way you choose: you might simply say I am grateful that I can walk, I am grateful that I can breathe. I am grateful for a particular person in my life; any number of areas can be the focus of your gratitude. And then just take notice of what unfolds from that thought as you go throughout your day.
Component 3 - P.A.U.S.E.: “Paying Attention Unveils Sacred Experiences” (A. Lockhart). Throughout the course of our daily lives, we experience obstacles in a variety of mysterious and even bland forms. The obstacles can be someone yelling at you, being stuck in traffic, being late for a meeting, the feeling of not being listened to, frustration from someone cutting you off on the highway and/or the feeling of being taken advantage of. The list of obstacles can be infinite. The PAUSE exercise is a simple but possibly profound way of transforming your life as you respond to the obstacles of your life.
P.A.U.S.E. STEPS:
1. When you encounter an obstacle, do not react, rather simply pause saying to yourself “I am here, I am now.” How do I make this well? As you focus on these phrases, give attention to your breathing, and as you focus on your thoughts and your breathing, think of your breathing as it enters and leaves your body as if it were a sacred life-affirming experience.
2. Then follow through with an action that is framed by step one. The action can be as profoundly simple as focusing on your breathing, or focusing on a thought of compassion, or simply not reacting to the obstacle. In essence, just be with the obstacle. For example, “I am late for the meeting because of traffic.” Take the time to focus on the fact that you can simply pay attention to being alive and how that makes you feel.
Components Continued-
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Component 4 - Psychosynthesis: This field of study was generated by Roberto Assagioli. It is referenced in greater depth later in the manual. But within the context of this Phase 2 process, it is to be understood as engaging in processes that enables a person to live their life not from the level of lower consciousness but from the level of higher consciousness.
Two key elements of Psychosynthesis are:
The Lower Unconscious: The lower unconscious is that realm of the person to which is relegated the experiences of shame, fear, pain, despair, and rage associated with primal wounding suffered in life.
The Higher Consciousness: This is where the person experiences an increased state of psychological evolution, enhanced awareness and transformation.
The practice of Mindfulness, P.A.U.S.E., and Attitude of Gratitude represent elements of Psychosynthesis. This area of exploration is intended to encourage the uncovering of the capacities that are alive in everyone, capacities that allow for a meaningful life.
Mindful Meditation: There are many forms of meditation: mantra meditation, breathing meditation, guided imagery meditation, moving meditation and sitting meditation. Each form may have a unique goal or as often as not there is no formal goal beyond simply allowing one self to just be. The meditation exercise here is often described as mindful meditation. Create the opportunity to engage this activity at least twice a day, for no more that 2-5 minutes at a sitting.
Mindful Meditation Exercise Steps:
1. Find a place that will leave you free of people interrupting you.
2. Loosen any tight fitting clothes and remove your shoes.
3. Sit in a chair so that your back is secure.
4. Place your hands on your knees, palms facing upwards.
5. Have your feet touching the floor.
6. Close your eyes or leave your eyes open, but simply focus on a point about 2 feet in front of you and keep your eyes focused solely on that point.
7. Begin to give attention to your breathing and do not attempt to alter the breathing, just be mindful of the inhale and exhale of your breath.
Meditation Exercise Questions:
1. What did that experience feel like for you?
2. Did you enjoy the experience? Please explain.
Final Thoughts:
1. Do you have any final thoughts based on this week’s discussion that you would like to share with the rest of the group?
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WEEK TWO
1. Mindfulness, Gratitude and PAUSE
2. Meditation Exercise
3. Relationship Question
4. Video 1: Dr. Megan McElheran; “Trauma Change Resilience” (TED Conferences)
5. Notes and Group Discussion
6. Video 2: Dr. Brene Brown; “The Power of Vulnerability”
7. Notes and Group Discussion
8. Living in a World of Empathy
9. A Few Thoughts about Anger/Rage
10. Neuroplasticity
11. Four Steps of Mindfulness
12. Video 3: CBC “Changing Your Mind with David Suzuki”
13. Notes and Group Discussion
14. Final Thoughts
“The greatest discovery of my generation is that any human being can alter their life by altering their attitudes of mind.”
(William James, 1842-1910)
“Your work is to discover your work and then, with all your heart, give yourself to it.”
(Buddha, 563-483 BC)
Please take some time to reflect on the following:
Mindfulness, Gratitude and “Paying Attention Unveils Sacred Experiences” (P.A.U.S.E.)
Mindful Meditation Exercise Steps:
1. Find a place that will leave you free of people interrupting you.
2. Loosen any tight fitting clothes and remove your shoes.
3. Sit in a chair so that your back is secure.
4. Place your hands on your knees, palms facing upwards.
5. Have your feet touching the floor.
6. Close your eyes or leave your eyes open, but simply focus on a point about 2 feet in front of you and keep your eyes focused solely on that point.
7. Begin to give attention to your breathing and do not attempt to alter the breathing, just be mindful of the inhale and exhale of your breath.
Relationship Question:
1. What is an issue in your relationship you want to discuss? Write down some thoughts below and then discuss with the group.
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We are now going to watch an educational video about trauma, change and resilience by Dr. Megan McElheran.
Video 1 Title: Dr. Megan McElheran; “Trauma Change Resilience” (TED Conferences)
Website Link:
Notes and Group Discussion:
1. What did you think about the video by Dr. Megan McElheran; “Trauma Change Resilience” (TED Conferences)?
2. How did the video make you feel?
3. Please write down some notes in the space provided below and then discuss with the group.
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We are now going to watch an educational video about vulnerability by Dr. Brene Brown.
Video 2 Title: “The Power of Vulnerability, by Dr. Brene Brown”
Website Link:
Notes and Group Discussion:
1. What did you think about the video by Dr. Brene Brown; “The Power of Vulnerability” (TED Conferences)?
2. How did the video make you feel?
3. Please write down some notes in the space provided below and then discuss with the group.
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Living in a World of Empathy:
We want to create a process where our voices can be heard and we can talk together. It is necessary to incorporate a nurturing sense of empathy and compassion into the healing journey. When viewing this from an empathetic perspective, it is vital to ask ourselves, “What happens to our bodies, our thought processes, our emotions when we are living in a world of empathy?”
A few thoughts about Anger/Rage:
In order to be angry with or at someone else, the very first step to be taken is to create the feeling of anger and rage and when I create that feeling of anger and rage it needs a container. The only container that can hold that anger is me. I hold it in my body, I hold it in my thoughts, I hold it in my feelings. In essence, I am in and of myself by choice creating and holding onto a entity that is toxic. It is this toxic entity that I want to direct at the person that I am angry with, but of course the longer I hold onto this toxicity, the deeper this toxicity remains within me. I become the anger.
We even say things like, “I am so angry I could…” I am so filled with rage, I could…, so with these statements, I am defining myself as anger and as a result, the longer I hold the anger, I suppress my capacity to explore the roots of the anger and rage and then the more difficult it gets to let go of the anger in healthy ways.
When I say I am angry or I am in such rage, it is critical to pay attention to what is the intention of the anger. Where do I want to direct my anger? What do I want the outcome of my anger to be for the person that I am directing my anger at? For example: If an outcome of anger is pain, what is the pain I want the person with whom I am angry with to feel? What do I want the outcome of that pain to be? Do I want the person to die, become ill, and become disabled? Usually, what we want is for the person with whom we are angry is for them to feel our pain. We want the acknowledgement that we have been wronged and hurt and we want them to understand our pain and when we are seeing anger in this light, we realize that there is the opportunity to express the legitimate feeling of anger and rage in ways that literally be transformational for everyone involved.
Anger is emotional energy that is available to us and to be directed by us. There are always a minimum of two pathways to express anger. One is to beget anger in ways that are intentionally harmful and this way is along the path of the unobserved mind; the path that creates self-pain. The other path is the mindful path; The path that mindfully embraces the energy that is manifested in pain and transforms that energy into an experience that enables healthy transformation to surface. Of course, the question is which path does one take? It is indeed possible to express rage and anger in ways that enhance my growth as strong, powerful, loving human beings.
Anger/Rage Continued:
Here is an exercise to explore rage and anger using the mindfulness process. I am adding two additional components (Setting the context and living the context) to the original four steps to reflect the context of relationship.
Setting the Context:
• What do you envision as the key elements of a vibrant, healthy, whole relationship? Whatever you list here, be explicit.
o Honesty: What does that mean?
o Love: What does that mean?
o Sexual Integrity: What does that mean?
• In essence, by setting the context, you’re describing what you value and how it creates wellbeing for you and your partner. Your values and beliefs create direction and meaning in your life.
• Setting the context is creating the statement of what we hold to be sacred in our lives.
Neuroplasticity
Please note: The following information contains references on the bottom of page.
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Photo Reference:
CBC (2014). “Changing Your Mind: The nature of things with david suzuki.
Retrieved May 11, 2014, from
What is Neuroplasticity?
With all of the current technological advancements, human beings discovered that the brain is actually capable of changing itself. This occurs as a result of developing knowledge and insight (Kays, Hurley & Taber, 2012).
Although this discovery provides society with a very positive outlook in various aspects (e.g. treatment of certain psychological disorders, such as post-traumatic stress disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and schizophrenia, etc., it may also pose negative side effects (Suzuki, 2013; cited in CBC 2013).
Dr. Norman Doidge's “The Brain that Changes Itself: Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science,” neuroplasticity is the finding that our brains can alter their composition and roll through intellectual understanding (Doidge, 2013; cited in CBC 2013).
Neuroplasticity Continued
Doidge claims that this is one of the most profound evolutions within the past 400 years, especially since within these last 400 years human beings believed that the brain was a mechanism which contained fixed parts that were unable to restructure themselves. As of result, this lead to the ill-fated notion that individuals born with certain brain disorders were untreatable and would be subjected to living in this manner for the rest of their lives.
Doidge termed this notion, “…neurological fatalism.” He mentioned that we all experience moments in our lives where we worry about certain things. Such thinking processes occur as a result of our profound intellect which gives us the ability to make plans, construct theories and forestall destructive consequences in certain situations. Human beings often experience various types of concerns, especially those who have obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). This is for some individuals, an unavoidable disorder of the mind which is treatable through neuroplasticity. However, one must first obtain extensive knowledge about the concept of neuroplasticity and its effects on the human mind (Doidge, 2013; cited in CBC 2013).
According to Schwartz (2013), many individuals who suffer from OCD experience obtrusive and undesirable beliefs and compulsions. This occurs as a result of an internal psychological battle they experience with their own mind. This becomes more problematic as individuals surrender to their thoughts and emotions (Schwartz, 2013; cited in CBC, 2013).
The following are some real life examples of individuals suffering with OCD:
“...It feels like you’re trapped in your own mind” (Rosborough, 2013; cited in CBC 2013). “...experienced feelings of guilt and shame as a direct result of OCD” (Liang, 2013; cited in CBC 2013). Other individuals claimed that it made them feel as though they were falling apart and some had a severe need to clean various times throughout the day (Anonymous, 2013; cited from CBC 2013).
Doidge stated, “There is a worry circuit in the brain and when we worry usually three things happen,”
1. A part of our brain behind the forehead (Prefrontal cortex) detects the mistake.
2. …it sends a signal to another part of the brain called, “The anterior cingulate.” The anterior cingulate makes you anxious about the mistake so you stay focussed on it until it is corrected.
1. Once you have corrected it, a third part of the brain called the, “Caudate” functions like a “mental gear shift” and shifts you onto the next thing” (Doidge, 2013; cited in CBC 2013).
Neuroplasticity Continued
He further explained that those who suffer from OCD have a “…very sticky” gear shift. It is unable to accurately process the information; therefore resulting in the individual attempting to repeatedly fix their errors. Every time their errors are fixed, their nervousness temporarily decreases. As Dr. Doidge claims, “…Neurons that fire together, wire together” (Doidge, 2013; cited in CBC 2013). This results in their misconstrued notion that, in order to decrease their nervousness; they “need” to continue rectifying their errors. This method works for them temporarily, but leads to more compulsive behaviour in the future. There is a connection between the overall amount of time the individual allocates to thinking about the microbes with the degree and severity of the compulsive behaviour.
For example; the more time an individual expends into pondering about microbes, the greater their chances are of their neurobiological wiring to make a linkage between microorganisms and the associated risks they pose to the individual, instead of reinforcing their faulty psychological “gear shift” (Doidge, 2013; cited in CBC 2013). As Dr. Schwartz claims, “The vicious part of the cycle is that the more you wash, the more you check…the worse it gets (Schwartz, 2013; cited in CBC 2013).
Dr. Schwartz (2013) also notes that if people’s condition worsens as a result of their repeated compulsive behaviours, it is possible that he could (by educating them on how to productively desist from carrying out their excessive impulses), would thereby prevent them from further engaging in such compulsions. As a result, this would reinforce their alternate cerebral wiring. After repeating this procedure frequently, it will also modify the manner in which the human mind functions (Schwartz, 2013; cited in CBC, 2013). Schwartz (2013), speculates that individuals can automatically modify the “caudate” by developing awareness that they are experiencing an obsessive compulsive disorder outbreak and afterwards utilizing a continuous effort on a constant basis to direct their concentration on something more productive rather than directing it on their nervousness (Doidge, 2013; cited in Schwartz, 2013).
Dr. Schwartz mentions that individuals have the capability of possessing mindfulness. He utilizes a term known as the, “impartial spectator,” which is the human mind’s ability to analyze itself from an external or third party perspective. This ideology allows the individual to realize that their “need” to act on their compulsions is “false” and it is a disorder. Dr. Schwartz concluded that “…We are not what our brain is” and then added, “Don’t believe everything you think your brain is making” (Schwartz, 2013; cited in CBC 2013).
After conducting extensive research and analysis on neuroplasticity, Dr. Schwartz was able to effectively assist his patients (through this new profound awareness), by altering their brain’s structure and their thought processes in a more productive manner (CBC, 2013).
Dr. Schwartz’s therapy is stemmed from early Buddhist wisdoms and traditions concerning mindfulness. His treatment is separated into four steps of mindfulness (Doidge, 2013; cited in CBC, 2013). They are described on the following page.
Mindfulness and the Self: Four Steps of Mindfulness Based on the Work of Dr. Schwartz
Dr. Mate (2009) mentioned that people who suffer from addictions and addictive behaviours experience what is called, “brain lock,” which occurs when someone carries out a specific act immediately following a thought before the individual has an opportunity to stop the said act. As a result, the person’s fixated thoughts are connected to their compulsive actions.
This commonly occurs with people who suffer from obsessive compulsive disorders. In order to assist individuals who experience such conditions, Dr. Schwartz and his contemporaries generated a four step process (Mate, 2009, p.354; cited from Schwartz & Gladding, 2011). According to Mate (2009), Dr. Schwartz’s four step process is as follows:
Step 1 - Re-label:
Determine the obsessive thought as a “false belief” and not really a “need.” For example, “I have to go to the market to purchase a bag of chips right now.” The person then begins to believe that he/she instantly requires a bag of chips at that particular moment (Mate, 2009; cited from Schwartz & Gladding, 2011).
In applying Dr. Schwartz’s re-labelling step, in order to realize that the particular thought you are having is not really a “need” but a “false belief,” you will state “…I don’t need to purchase anything now or to eat anything now; I’m only having an obsessive thought that I have such a need. It’s not a real, objective need but a false belief. I may have a feeling of urgency, but there is actually nothing urgent going on” (Mate, 2009, p.356; cited from Schwartz & Gladding, 2011).
Step 2- Re-attribute:
In this step, you identify that your mind is sending you an untrue signal. This signal attempts to make you believe that you have an actual need to carry out the thought or behaviour associated with that thought. Say to yourself that these thoughts, urges and impulses keep bothering you and that they are false brain messages. This makes you realize that you do not have an actual need to carry out the thought or behaviour. It is just your brain sending you a false signal (Mate, 2009, p.357; cited from Schwartz & Gladding, 2011).
Currently, you may carry out the thought (I have to go to the store to buy chips), as it is triggered by stressful events, such as childhood sexual abuse trauma. You were not accountable for these events having happened to you, but you are now accountable for the decisions you currently make and the actions you carry out (Mate, 2009; cited from Schwartz & Gladding, 2011).
Step 3 - Re-focus:
In this step, you try to concentrate on something else to do when you are having that particular thought to allow for a certain period of time to pass (15 mins.). According to Mate (2009), “…It’s not how you feel that counts; it’s what you do.” For example, “…If you “need” to drive to the casino, turn on the TV. If you “need” to watch television, put on some music. If you “need” to buy music, get on your exercise bike” (Mate, 2009, p. 358-359; cited from Schwartz & Gladding, 2011).
Step 4 - Re-value:
In this step, you are consciously aware of your thoughts and why they are occurring. With this new awareness, you will be able to make better choices in your life that will benefit you (Mate, 2009; cited from Schwartz & Gladding, 2011).
Step 5 - Re-create: Based on the Work of Dr. Matte
Dr. Mate incorporated a fifth step called, “Re-create.” In this stage, you are going to further examine your principles, intentions, aptitude and capacity. You are also going to develop a sense of connection with the universe (Mate, 2009).
As you develop this new profound awareness and objectivity (in realizing that you are no longer constricted by your own thoughts in terms of how your brain was previously wired due to entrenched systems) this allows you to reconstruct your life.
We are now going to watch an educational CBC video about Neuroplasticity, with David Suzuki.
Video 3 Title: “Changing Your Mind with David Suzuki”
Website Link:
Notes and Group Discussion:
1. What did you think about the CBC video, “Changing Your Mind with David Suzuki”?
2. How did the video make you feel?
3. Please write down some notes in the space provided below and then discuss with the group.
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Final Thoughts:
1. Do you have any final thoughts based on this week’s discussion that you would like to share with the rest of the group?
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WEEK THREE
1. Mindfulness, Gratitude and PAUSE
2. Nurturing the Present
3. Steps
4. Anger as a State of Mind Example
5. Seeing the World with a new pair of Eyes Context
6. New Pair of Eyes Example
7. Seed Thoughts
8. Examining Fear as a Social Condition
9. Shame
10. Video: Brene Brown, Listening to Shame
11. Trauma and The Human Brain
12. Mindfulness in Practice
13. Final Thoughts
“The journey is for themselves”
-Arthur Lockhart, 2014
Please take some time to reflect on the following:
Mindfulness, Gratitude and “Paying Attention Unveils Sacred Experiences” (P.A.U.S.E.)
Nurturing the Present:
In a relationship we want to nurture the idea of really being present. It’s not uncommon for someone to be distracted. We want to teach ourselves how to be mindful, how do I put myself in the present right now? (Meditation). How do I go into the present?
Steps:
1. Everything in life is about connections.
2. Practice being whole rather than being perfect.
3. Establish awareness; we want to widen the view.
Anger as a State of Mind - Example:
A streetcar just left without you and you’re angry. The anger you are feeling is only a state of mind.
The idea of being present in times like these, is stepping back from moments like these and choosing how we want to use that energy. Not reacting immediately, and absorbing the moment.
In our culture we react to the tension, if we react from a relational mode, like that could have been me, as if we are all connected. You start to see things very differently. See different ideas and possibilities.
Seeing the World with a new pair of Eyes Context:
When you develop new eyes, everything becomes different. You see yourself constantly in a state of relationship. I want to think about how am I in a relationship with this moment.
I focus on the quality of the relationship with my partner.
Ask yourself: How do I want to be?
Example: Partner is upset is because dinner is not ready. First thing you think about it what you should have done. If you focus from a point of guilt, you are never fulfilled. If you do it from a relationship standpoint. For example; I see if from how I would want to be treated: in a state of empathy.
Practice P.A.U.S.E. Paying attention unveils sacred experiences.
If everyone just stopped and PAUSED we would live in a much less violent world. It changes because you aren’t focusing on your partner. On the contrary, you are focusing on the relationship you want to have with your partner.
Seed Thoughts:
1. If you were going to give yourself an A for your efforts in the relationship, what would it be that you would have done that would have warranted that A?
2. Who do I want to be in this relationship? I can be anybody I choose by taking a moment to pause.
What are some ways we react to conflict? (Examples: Avoidance, withdrawal, don’t speak up, get out of the house).
I have worked with many people, the first thing they do when they are angry is they hold their breath. Withdrawing and yelling are exactly the same thing. They are shutting us down. Try avoiding tightening up and P.A.U.S.E.
Seed Thoughts:
1. How do we achieve doing this together? (I’m just trying to help, but we go back into positions of comfort).
2. How do we move forward?
3. What I’m inviting them to do is seeing it from their position.
4. How do we do this together gently?
5. What is the life I want and need to live?
6. What are my fears that can put me back in a position of withholding?
7. What am I going to do about this one and precious life?
Examining Fear as a Social Condition:
If I don’t pause I fall back in to my favourite learned behaviour. We are socially conditioned to live in the fear of the negative. The reactive stance keeps us stuck, and will always keep us stuck.
How does shame come into this? I withdraw and become defensive very fast. I call it the fog that is over the reality. It happens really fast how you can go from feeling like a worthy partner to the exact opposite, of holding them back.
Shame: A definition of me as a whole person, when you think of shame you think You are that person.
An example is a boy was groomed to make sure an area was safe for his perpetrator to abuse him. He said it was now like he was the shame, and instead say yes I did that behaviour. This is what it was. When I do this, I’m inviting myself to step back and simply observe the shame. It is not me. It happened to me. If I observe it, I am not owned by it anymore.
We are now going to watch an educational video about Shame and Guilt by: Dr. Brene Brown.
Video Title: “Brene Brown, Listening to Shame”
Website Link:
Trauma and the Human Brain:
Example, diverting the situation so I don’t have to face the real issue.
The reptilian part of the brain (Velcro) holds on to the bad.
The mammal part of the brain (Teflon) lets everything slide.
It takes about 25 years for the brain to get to full working capacity. Humans used to think the brain was unable to recover to trauma. Drama is the addiction. It keeps you back in the reactive box. It keeps you stuck.
It’s a learned response to hurt the people we care about in order to destroy the relationships because we feel we aren’t worthy of being loved. It’s a response to all the trauma that happened when I was a child, because I never dealt with it.
Will recreate the trauma in order to validate that understanding. How do I get out of this circle? It doesn’t stop because no one stops.
PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE
It’s really important to say yes I do this. And acknowledge that you do it. Exercise to go out into the street and find yourself in other people.
What do I need for a healthy relationship?
How do we nurture a healthy relationship?
Shame and fear come out of a “disconnected state” from a relationship. The healthiest relationship someone can have is to be seen, and not have to hide anything. Hiding is withdrawing. We need to be seen on every conceivable aspect of the relationship. Physically, sexually, spiritually. Being honest with another human being is essential.
Procrastination is always steeped in fear. When people are frightened they lie to each other. We lie because we are afraid. You have to be authentic to connect, but you also need to be authentic for transformation.
When people are sexually abused, one thing that can happen is not being seen. The other thing that can happen is being extremely outgoing, partying and aggressive. This gets played out in relationships. If you are having the same arguments, it’s because it hasn’t been sorted out.
Some people hide everything, they hide who they are, hey hide that they love each other. Right now, we are laughing about it. If we can be mindful and say “this is what’s happening right now” it is what it is. We’ve seen that the brain can change itself, just by having thoughts. If we can do that then things can fall into place. As opposed to pretending that it is all ok. We want to be able to say that I am scared right now to reach over and touch you. Imagine the difference between withholding it. Withholding causes physical ailments.
Being able to say that they are breaking down. You cannot selectively numb emotions. When you numb bad things you numb joy, happiness, gratitude. We make uncertainty certainty. Procrastination is a big part of relationships. I was afraid that I was not good enough to get it done right. Put it off to validate those ideas. Perfection is a nice ideal, but it is a continual journey.
We have 60 000 original thoughts a day, people won’t turn the television off, we don’t talk to each other.
A letter to the inner child.
Sometimes when people are doing these talks, I often think about the uniqueness of the childhood sexual abuse stories. The journey that the people of The Gatehouse do is to be in awe of.
Just be authentic and real and say, I’m sorry, well fix it. To love with our whole hearts even though there is no guarantee. To be grateful to feel vulnerable. To believe that we are enough. In my intimate relationship, it is not just you evolving through your decisions but the future of humanity.
One has to begin with that sense of gratitude
Then the 5 steps of mindfulness
If you focus on the letter you wrote to your partner if you really focus. Then you can say truly that you endeavoured towards that change. You have to focus all the time, on the quality of the relationship. Focus all the time. Whatever you focus on, that is what gets your attention. Focus creates the shape of the brain. It creates the shape of your life. These 5 pieces are essential in a relationship.
Mindfulness in Practice
1. What is the life I want and need to live?
2. Mindful awareness: This is where the pause steps in, not judge it.
3. Insight observation: Where is this coming from? Allows me to look at my insecurities. I’m angry because I was abused not because I missed my train, but it is a thought. Any response is just a thought you put in your head as to how you think you should respond.
4. Focused attention: With this thought, what I am going to do is this____. I’m going to focus my attention on nurturing this relationship.
5. Focused action: Example: Actually extend that arm, and hold the person. That is the action that will nurture that relationship.
Final Thoughts: Do you have any final thoughts you would like to discuss with the group based on this week’s discussions?
WEEK FOUR
1. Mindfulness, Gratitude and PAUSE
2. Video 1: Dr. Brene Brown, Shame and Guilt
3. Video Discussion
4. Forgiveness
5. Video 2: “Dr. Jeffrey Scwartz, You are not Your Brain
6. Video Discussion
7. Meditation Exercise & Steps
“In order to succeed, we must first believe that we can.”
(Nikos Kazantzakis)
Please take some time to reflect on the following:
Mindfulness, Gratitude and “Paying Attention Unveils Sacred Experiences” (P.A.U.S.E.)
Meditation Exercise
Paying attention Unveils Sacred Experiences – PAUSE
PAUSE: Paying attention unveils sacred experiences
• When we practice the pausing technique, it allows us to step back as the impartial observer. In our culture, we try to make everything right and perfect. We want to say things are messy right now. If we step back and observe it and not try to fix it, and then start to put it into pieces.
• Hardwiring the Brain for Happiness By: Dr. Rick Hanson – Speaks to capacity in way we alter the way we think.
• 2 things that happen to people when we are kids – loss of voice and loss of authentic self.
• Homeostasis – balanced
• Deceptive Thoughts – Out of balance (one of contentment and one of discord)
• When in arguments - Throws these elements off.
• We tend to hide things as opposed to dealing with them.
• Deceptive Brain Messages: Any false or inaccurate thought or any unhelpful or distracting impulse, urge, or desire that takes you away from your true goals and intentions in life. IE: Your true self.
• Out of balance – nurtures rage
• Hatred is a reaction
• We want to nurture gratitude, practice PAUSE in order to balance ourselves and to shape our world around us in positive manner.
• When I practice pause – puts me in a foreign place – does not feel comfortable, but it is completely necessary
• When we go on journeys traveling to foreign lands – we get uncomfortable
• It is necessary to struggle in order to transform
• We don’t like to be inconvenienced – we assume we are always supposed to be happy all the time
• In a relationship – nurturing a sense of connection is important
• How do I step back?
• When I go off balance, deceptive brain messages start directing me.
• How do we get into this place of balance?
• Balance means – using metaphor of a seesaw
• Embrace the conflict to get to that balanced stated
• Accept that sometimes bad things happen
• Anger has its seed bed in fear.
• Where does the fear come from – Shame and guilt.
• Being so badly hurt – leads to anger.
We are now going to watch a video clip by Dr. Brene Brown, entitled, “Shame and Guilt.”
Video 1: “Dr. Brene Brown Shame and Guilt”
Website Link:
Concept of survivors and offenders.
If we embrace fear and shame, we can transcend it.
If we can let people know that really the reason why I am angry is because I am feeling shameful. But we don’t do that. The shame and fear holds us back.
We have been building up that critic (us)
Self-fulfilling prophecy – See yourself in this role – then you don’t do it.
What you focus on is what you focus on – Your thoughts shape your world around you.
Fear prevents us from achieving what we want in our relationship
Shame – focus on self - Example: I am sorry I made a mistake
Guilt – focus on behaviour – Example: I am sorry I am a mistake
Restorative vs. Retributive Justice
We focus on guilt – we need someone to be guilty for me to move forward.
In my relationship if I have been harmed – the sense of I am bad – no one to lay the guilt on – somehow deep down inside I must of brought this on myself
Retributive Culture: Our culture demands a victim and an offender.
Causes people to snap, angry, depressed – feel as though they are the problem for the whole thing.
If this is their focus – When I have things in my life and relationship with my partner – The template I am operating in – Still the victim.
When I live in that template – I may be put to take on all the problems in the relationship.
What do you think that would do to the relationship?
It leads someone to push their partners away – angry at the world.
Lash out or go inside.
Is this language about forgiveness of self?
Forgiveness: What does this really mean?
Shame, guilt, anger, fear – inside of all of us.
Neuroplasticity state: Just observe it- Example Statement: “Gee all of this happened to me, as opposed to I am it.”
Failure – linked to shame and guilt – FEAR
The focus is on the relationship – What is the essence of the relationship?
Do I need strength in the relationship – Focus on the quality of strength in the relationship?
How do I manifest the strength of the relationship – Focus on the quality of the relationship
What is the nature of the relationship that I want?
It allows me to step away of, “It’s all about me.”
Element in relationship – Trust.
Simply sit back and observe it – Get grounded
What does the trust in my relationship look like? – Let whatever surfaces…surface
I am not thinking about anyone.
Let me see myself manifesting that trust – It opens up the lenses – more fluid.
What’s trust in its most unabashed form?
Forget about one plus one.
The overall paradigm – I made a choice to be in this relationship.
What are the ingredients that I want to attend to and focus on in the relationship?
Focus on a sense of empathy – Changes how the brain works changes responses in relation to the world around us.
Transformation is about re-writing the narrative.
The sexual abuse – animates every aspect of people’s lives.
Everyone has capacity.
The ability to step back and observe the thought for what it is – JUST A THOUGHT, and begin to paint it.
It is possible to get to this place of homeostasis.
Move in a constant state of movement.
How do I want to be at that moment when that all happens?
Keeps us vigilant not to be trifled with.
How do we integrate this into our everyday existence?
Property – we see things with the notion of property (example: my husband, my boyfriend).
What do I want to focus on? We need to focus on the relationship.
If the issue is about trust in the relationship – I can’t go into this realm because I have this label.
What do I need to focus on to have a healthy state of stasis?
I can focus on trust without even thinking about my partner.
This is all about the struggle.
If I hold onto I am shame – I get into addictions, alcohol, etc.
If I get into a process of I was guilty of engaging in alcohol, addictions, we can learn to let go of the shame and the guilt associated with the thoughts of thinking of oneself as being the shame or guilt.
Label should be based on the outcome, not the cause.
“Not a victim, but a “VICTOR”
A “Whole Person” Support Network
Iatrogenics – institutional counter productivity
Rather be falsely happy rather than truly honest (IE: Thoughts and feelings)
Video Discussion: We will take some time to discuss this video.
We are going to watch a video clip by Dr. Jeffrey M. Schwartz entitled, “You are not your brain: Mind & Its Potential.”
Video 2: “Dr. Jeffrey Scwartz, You are not Your Brain”
Website Link: watch?v=qcrGlUHlu4M
Dr. Scwartz Video: Is it possible to free ourselves from destructive thoughts and actions, and to change bad habits for good?
Cognitive Therapy distortions:
Thinking Error – I must be perfect all the time – Distorted thinking. We sometimes let our emotional feelings control our thoughts
Projection: Projecting your own opinion into other people’s minds and then thinking there are your own thoughts.
Step back and nurture trust, empathy, goodness – What is it in this person’s world that caused them to do this action
How do we nurture empathy in the world?
When we explore this, I’m supporting myself in this world by saying, I care about you, but I can’t support you
You can still be supportive and giving meanwhile maintaining your own boundaries
Being with as opposed to doing for
Dr. Scwartz – “False expectations need to be recognized and corrected”
I am going to be absolutely honest with you…this is where I am.
True Self: Living according seeing yourself based on who you really are
Conduct Meditation Exercise: The idea of positive state. We want to be able to get ourselves onto a positive state. We are going to watch it and relate to it from a state of empathy and compassion.
Mindful Meditation Exercise Steps:
1. Find a place that will leave you free of people interrupting you.
2. Loosen any tight fitting clothes and remove your shoes.
3. Sit in a chair so that your back is secure.
4. Place your hands on your knees, palms facing upwards.
5. Have your feet touching the floor.
6. Close your eyes or leave your eyes open, but simply focus on a point about 2 feet in front of you and keep your eyes focused solely on that point.
7. Begin to give attention to your breathing and do not attempt to alter the breathing, just be mindful of the inhale and exhale of your breath.
Acknowledgement Letter
Congratulations, you have completed The Gatehouse Partner Support Group Program!
Thank you for taking part in this extraordinary journey. You have demonstrated a great deal of strength, courage and capacity.
Thank you for being on the planet.
The Gatehouse Staff, Volunteers and Facilitators wish you all the best in your healing journey!
Sincerely,
_________________________
Arthur Lockhart
Founder Emeritus, The Gatehouse
_________________________
Brad Hutchinson
Executive Director, The Gatehouse
References
Brainy Quote (2014). Brainy Quote: Nikos Kazantzakis. Retrieved September 15, 2014, from
Buddha Quotes (n.d.). Quotes from the buddha. Retrieved May 7, 2014, from
CBC (2013). “Changing your mind: The nature of things with david suzuki.”
Retrieved May 11, 2014, from
Doidge, N. (2007). The brain that changes itself: Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers
of brain science. New York, NY: Penguin Books.
Kays, J.L., Hurley, R.A., & Taber, K.H. (2012). The Dynamic Brain: Neuroplasticity and Mental Health. The Journal of Neuropsychiatry and Clinical Neurosciences. DOI:10.1176/appi.neuropsych.12050109
Retrieved May 11, 2014,
from
Lockhart, Arthur. (2002, June – 2013, March). Sacred path. Lecture conducted at The Gatehouse, Etobicoke, ON, June 20, 2002 – March 13, 2013.
Mezirow, J. (2000). Core principles of transformative learning theory: Mezirow & others. Retrieved May 4, 2014, from
Robbins, A. (1991). Awaken the giant within: How to take immediate control of your mental, emotional, physical and financial destiny! New York, NY: Free Press.
Schwartz, J.M. & Gladding, R. (2011). You are not your brain. New York, NY: Penguin Group.
TED Conferences L.L.C. (March 2012). Dr. brene brown: Listening to shame.
Longbeach California. Retrieved May 4, 2014, from
TED Conferences L.L.C. (n.d.). Trauma, change and resilience by dr. megan mcelheran.
Retrieved May 4, 2014,
from
TED Conferences L.L.C. (n.d.). The power of vulnerability by dr. brene brown.
Retrieved May 4, 2014, from
References
The Quotations Page (2013). Quotations by author: William james, 1842-1910. Retrieved May 7, 2014, from
Tolle, E. (1999). The power of now: A guide to spiritual enlightenment. Vancouver, BC: Namaste Publishing.
YouTube (2014). Mind and its potential: You are not your brain, dr. jeffrey schwartz
leading neuroplasticity researcher and co-author of you are not your brain, brain lock, and the mind, and the brain. Retrieved May 4, 2014, from
APPENDICES
APPENDIX A
1. House Rules & Participant Signature Page
2. Facilitator Role, Responsibilities and Guiding Principles
3. The Gatehouse Membership Form
4. Parking Information
5. Method of Contacting Support Group Facilitators
6. Emergency Contact Information
House Rules
• Every group which takes place at The Gatehouse discusses and agrees to the House Rules during week 1. You are required to read the House Rules (located on following pages 55-56, in Appendix A), sign the signature page located on pg. 57 and then submit it to your support group Facilitator.
How to Become a Member of The Gatehouse:
• If you are interested in becoming a member of The Gatehouse, please fill out the attached document (located on page 59, Appendix A).
• Upon completion of the attached form, please submit it to a Gatehouse staff member along with the $10.00 membership indicated on the form.
Parking Information:
• Parking is available in The Gatehouse parking lot. There is also accessible parking at Humber College, Lakeshore Campus (free after 6:00pm).
Method of Contacting Support Group Facilitators:
• While you are currently taking part in The Gatehouse Partner Support Group Program, you may contact your Facilitator by directly calling The Gatehouse at: 416-255-5900. Please leave your name and telephone number in order for the Administrative Support Staff to deliver your message accordingly.
• The Gatehouse Facilitators are not allowed to provide any participants with their personal email addresses or phone numbers.
Emergency Contact Information:
• If at any point in time you or your partner find yourselves in a crisis and require immediate assistance, please contact the Gerstein Centre Crisis Line at: 416-929-5200
• Toronto Distress Centre: 416-408-HELP (4357)
• Please see Appendix B for further details on additional support services telephone numbers.
House Rules: The Gatehouse is a safe place where everyone has a “voice.” In order to ensure that everyone is being treated with dignity and respect, every participant is required to read and sign the House Rules document. Please read the following information carefully. Once you have completed reading this form, please sign the signature page located in the Appendix A of this manual and submit it to your Support Group Facilitator.
By signing, you are acknowledging that you have read and fully understand the information listed herein. If you have any questions concerning the information in this document, please approach your Support Group Facilitator for further details.
House Rules
• I will adhere to the Limits of Confidentiality. (For further details, please read below).
• I will turn off my cell phone during Support Group sessions.
• I will commit to attending the 4 week sessions entirely and in a timely manner.
• Sessions will take place on Monday evenings from 6:30pm-9:30pm, at The Gatehouse (Location may change. Notification will be sent out).
• In the event that you are not able to make it to one of the sessions, please notify your Support Group Facilitator in a timely manner (Provide at least 24 hours’ notice).
• I will respect the other participants. (For further details, please read below).
• I will respect my Partner Support Group Program Facilitators. (For further details, please read below).
• I will not interrupt anyone who is speaking.
• I will not attend any of The Gatehouse Partner Support Group sessions under the influence of any substances.
• If a participant arrives to the Partner Support Group sessions under the conditions listed above, they will be asked to leave and return the following week. However, if the behaviour is repeated the participant will be asked to leave the group to first address substance abuse issues. They may re-apply to participate in the next group cycle.
• I will not engage in any verbal or physical altercations with any of the other Partner Support Group participants or Support Group Facilitators. (For further details, please read below).
• I will maintain a clean area while taking part in The Gatehouse Partner’s Support Group 4 week process. (For further details, please read below).
Ride Sharing: Support Group Facilitators are not permitted to offer any rides to any of the participants.
Limits of Confidentiality means…
• I will not repeat any of the information verbally stated or otherwise, by the participants to anyone outside of The Gatehouse Adult Partner Support Group process.
• The only time when it is acceptable to break such limits is only if and when a participant threatens to cause physical harm to his or herself or if they attempt to cause physical harm upon the other participants. In the event that such action occurs, The Gatehouse will take appropriate measures in order to ensure the overall safety and security of all participants.
Respect means…
• To treat with others dignity and fairness.
• To treat others with kindness.
• To speak with others in a polite and a professional manner (Example: Not shouting at the other person or using any foul language against the other person).
Clean Area Means…
• All used coffee mugs, spoons and other cutlery are to be placed directly inside of the dishwasher (not in the sink).
• All surfaces including tables and chairs must be clear (all papers and notes disposed of in recycling bin).
• All garbage to be thrown away in proper place.
House Rules Participant Signature Page
I ___________________have read and fully understand the terms of the House Rules Document.
[Print first and last name above]
I will fully comply with all of the guidelines in order to ensure that everyone, including myself is treated with absolute fairness and respect.
I understand that my inability to follow the House Rules as indicated may result in my being asked to leave the Partner Support Group.
I _______________________ read and understand House Rules Document, ________________.
[Write signature above] [Print Date above]
Facilitator Role, Responsibilities & Guiding Principles
The role of the Facilitator is:
• Conduct the check-in procedures (two minute time frame).
• Ensure that everyone has a “voice” in the group process.
• Listen attentively.
• Draw out the stories of all of the participants.
• Provide context and content for points of discussion.
• Treat everyone in a fair and equal manner.
• Serve as a mentor.
• Provide emotional guidance and support.
• The facilitator is not here as a therapist or a counsellor.
• The facilitator is not here to take “center stage”.
• The Facilitator is not here to form any judgments.
The responsibilities of the Facilitator are:
• Have an understanding of the concepts of mindfulness, gratitude and the P.A.U.S.E. process.
• Be familiar with, “The Five Steps of Mindful State of Being.”
• Have an understanding of the overall framework and philosophy of Psychosynthesis.
• Have an understanding of the sub-personalities.
The Guiding Principles of the Facilitators are:
• The notion of “doing nothing,” but doing nothing very well.
• Being present.
• “Listening” versus “Waiting to speak.”
The Guiding Principles of The Gatehouse:
• In relation to the notion of forgiveness, we are not here to tell you what you “should and should not do.”
• The Gatehouse respects everyone equally.
The Gatehouse Membership Form
|Name: |
|Address: |
|City |Province |Postal Code |
|Email Address: |
|Signature:_________________________________________________________________________ |
|By signing above, you are indicating that the information included on this form is accurate. |
|Payment information: |
|Enclosed is my $10 membership fee |
|Cheque (payable to The Gatehouse) |
Information about Membership at The Gatehouse:
• Members may vote on each question arising at special or general member meetings;
• Members are entitled to be present at any special or general meeting of the members;
• (Other individuals are permitted only by invitation of the chairperson of the meeting)
• Members are given special notice of the annual meeting;
• Members may sign over their proxy to another member if they are unable to attend;
• Members will receive a copy of the annual report;
• Annual fees are $10, regardless of when in the year the membership was purchased;
• Membership is active when membership dues are paid and payment has cleared;
• Membership will be active from January 1, 2013 through December 31, 2013;
For a copy of our membership by-laws, contact us at 416-255-5900.
Privacy Statement: The Gatehouse collects the personal information requested on this form for the purpose of communicating to you information about our membership and fundraising activities. By completing this form, you consent to the collection and use of your personal information in accordance with our privacy policy. If at any time you wish to be removed from our contact list, please contact Maria Barcelos, Volunteer & Administrative Coordinator (416) 255-5900 or mbarcelos@.
APPENDIX B
1. Important Support Services and Telephone Numbers
• Assaulted Women’s Help Line
• City of Toronto Services: 311
• Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women
• Find Help – 211Toronto.ca
• Gerstein Centre Crisis Line
• Men’s Project
• Ontario Ministry of Health and Long-Term Care
• Toronto Distress Centre
• Victim’s Services Toronto
• Ontario Ministry of Community and Social Services – Main website
• Ontario Ministry of Community and Social Services - Toronto Offices
Please note:
For a complete list of resources, please visit our website: and click on the resources section, thank you.
Important Support Services and Telephone Numbers
Assaulted Women’s Help Line:
GTA Tel: 416-863-0511
GTA TTY Tel: 416-364-8762
TOLL-FREE Tel:1-866-863-0511
TOLL-FREE TTY Tel: 1-866-863-7868
• Website:
City of Toronto Services: 311
• Website:
Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women:
• Tel: 1-888-7HELPLINE or 1-888-743-5754
• Website:
Find Help:
•
Gerstein Centre Crisis Line:
• Tel: 416-929-5200
• Website:
Men’s Project:
• Tel: (613) 230-6179
• Fax: (613) 230-6173
• Website:
Ontario Ministry of Health and Long-Term Care:
Tel: 1-866-797-0000
TTY Tel: : 1-866-797-0007
• Website:
Toronto Distress Centre:
• Tel: 416-408-HELP (4357)
• Website:
Victim’s Services Toronto:
• Tel: 416-808-7066
• Website:
Important Support Services and Telephone Numbers Continued-
Ontario Ministry of Community and Social Services – Main website:
• Website:
Ontario Ministry of Community and Social Services - Toronto Offices website:
• Website:
2
3 APPENDIX C
1. Participant Feedback Forms
• Disclosure Form
• Survey Questions
Participant Feedback - Disclosure Form
Please take a moment and answer the questions on the following page. The following survey is completely optional. Your answers will be kept anonymous (no names mentioned) and confidential, which means they will not be shown to anyone who is not a representative or staff member of The Gatehouse. They will only be viewed by The Gatehouse representatives who are going to analyze the survey responses.
Your responses will assist The Gatehouse in further program development and improvement. The Gatehouse is evaluating your overall satisfaction of the Partner Support Group Program being offered. The survey questions are presented in a “Likert Scale” format.
According to Bertram (n.d.), her definition of a “Likert Scale” is listed below:
“Definition: A psychometric response scale primarily used in questionnaires to obtain participant’s preferences or degree of agreement with a statement or set of statements. Likert scales are a non‐comparative scaling technique and are unidimensional (only measure a single trait) in nature. Respondents are asked to indicate their level of agreement with a given statement by way of an ordinal scale” (Bertram, n.d.).
“Variations: Most commonly seen as a 5‐point scale ranging from “Strongly Disagree” on one end to “Strongly Agree” on the other with “Neither Agree nor Disagree” in the middle; however, some practitioners advocate the use of 7 and 9‐point scales which add additional granularity. Sometimes a 4‐point (or other even‐numbered) scale is used to produce an ipsative (forced choice) measure where no indifferent option is available. Each level on the scale is assigned a numeric value or coding, usually starting at 1 and incremented by one for each level” (Bertram, n.d.).
The questions are listed on the following page. Thank you very much for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Arthur Lockhart
Founder Emeritus, The Gatehouse
Brad Hutchinson
Executive Director, The Gatehouse
-----------------------
CBC (2013). “Changing Your Mind,” from The Nature of Things with David Suzuki.
Retrieved May 11, 2014, from
Doidge, N. (2007). The brain that changes itself: Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science. New York, NY: Penguin Books.
Kays, J.L., Hurley, R.A., & Taber, K.H. (2012). The Dynamic Brain: Neuroplasticity and Mental Health. The Journal of neuropsychiatry and clinical neurosciences. DOI:10.1176/appi.neuropsych.12050109
Retrieved May 11, 2014, from
Gatehouse Office use only:
Membership application and fee received: ____ / ____ / ____ ___________ MM DD YY Staff Initial
Database Entry Date: ____ / ____ / ____ ___________ MM DD YY
Staff Initial
Membership Card issued date ____ / ____ / ____ ___________ MM DD YY Staff Initial
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