Interpersonal Exercises



INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION—COM 104

J.R. Steele, M.S.

In-Class Exercises

With acknowledgements to DR. KATHERINE NELSON,

who prepared the base of most of these exercises and Dr. Lange for his additional input.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Exercise 1: Relational Levels of Meaning ~ 1

Exercise 2: Identity Scripts 2

Exercise 3: Perception & the Selection Process 3

Exercise 4: Remaking the Social World 3

Exercise 5: Communication Rules 4

Exercise 6: Is Our Language Sexist / Racist? 5

Exercise 7: Using Concrete Language 8

Exercise 8: Rumor Clinic (a.k.a. Telephone) 9

Exercise 9: Listening for Information 10

Exercise 10: Emotional Intelligence 12

Exercise 11: Social Influences on Emotions 13

Exercise 12: Applying the Rational-Emotive Approach to Feelings 14

Exercise 13: Counterfeit Emotional Language 15

Exercise 14: Defensive Climate vs Supportive Climate 16

Exercise 15: Identifying Orientations to Conflict 17

Exercise 16: It IS How You Play the Game 18

Exercise 17: Generating Responses to Conflict 19

Exercise 18: Beginning Stages of Friendship 20

Exercise 19: Moving Through Friendship 21

Exercise 20: Identifying Styles of Loving 22

Exercise 21: Personal Qualifications 23

Exercise 1: Relational Levels of Meaning

Ref: Text Chapter 1, p. 27, Manual, p. 43)

Purpose: To increase awareness of relational level meaning in Interpersonal Communication

Procedure: identify which of the three levels of relational meaning is present in each of the following statements.

● When Edwin’s parents criticize him for not coming home more often, he responds: “Look, I’m 20 years old and you can’t expect me to be at home every weekend.”

● Frances says to her 5 year old daughter, “You clean up your room right now.”

● Andrienne asks her friend Malcolm if he wants to come over for dinner and conversation.

● Jerry tells his friend Michael about a personal problem, and Michael doesn’t respond. Jerry then says, “Hey, am I invisible or mute or something?”

● Soyanna says to her boyfriend, “I think you are the greatest person in the world.”

● As Kim talks, Pat nods her head and smiles to show that she is following and is interested in what Kim is saying

Exercise 2: Identity Scripts

Ref: Text Chapter 2, pp. 47-48

Purpose: To identify how identity scripts are created and why some types are similar and others are different.

Procedure: Have students complete each of the following statements as a springboard to discuss the creation of identity scripts and to explore their similarities and differences.

FIRST complete the phrases based on what they learned as a child

● Money is …

● Nobody in our family has ever …

● You can/cannot trust others who …

● The most important goal in life is …

● Good people …

● Families should …

● If you want to respect others, you should …

SECOND complete the phrases based on what they have learned since high school

● Money is …

● Nobody in our family has ever …

● You can/cannot trust others who …

● The most important goal in life is …

● Good people …

● Families should …

● If you want to respect others, you should …

Discussion: How and why do identity scripts change over time?

Exercise 3: Perception & the Selection Process

Text Chapter 3, pp. 74-75 (Manual, p. 63)

Purpose: To heighten awareness of how our senses affect our perception process.

Procedure: Have students make a list of three things they saw, heard, felt, smelled, and tasted today before class.

● They may have the most difficulty with taste.

IF SO, ASK: Why is taste the sense to which we pay the least attention?

● If there’s time, go outside and have them use one sense at a time on a series of stimuli

Discussion: Why do we pay most attention to sight and hearing?

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Exercise 4: Remaking the Social World

Ref: Text Chapter 3, pp. 75-78 (Manual, p. 66)

Purpose: To increase students’ awareness of the arbitrariness and partiality in how we perceive/classify people; to heighten awareness of factors other than race, sex, class, and sexual preference that describe individuals.

Procedure: Assign students to groups of 5-7; make groups as diverse as possible in terms of race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, class, etc.

● Remind students that we need to organize perceptions into categories to make sense of the world. And that perception involves selectively noticing and labeling certain, and not other, aspects of stimuli.

● Instruct students to create a method of classifying people into groups:

● Restrictions: Students may not use race, sex, socioeconomic class, or sexual preference as bases of classifying people and should avoid superficial bases of classification (e.g., eye color, height)

● End discussion after 20 minutes and write each classification system on chalkboard.

● After everyone has shared, lead a discussion highlighting key ideas:

● Classification systems are human constructions.

● Classification systems are arbitrary and partial.

● How we classify people affects what we perceive about them

and how we act toward them.

● NOTE: Often they’ll identify intelligence as a basis of classification; discuss implications (i.e., social, educational, political, and personal) of using that as a basis.

Exercise 5: Communication Rules

Ref: Text Chapter 4, p. 107

Purpose: To gain insight into regulative and constitutive rules we use during communication.

Procedure: For each item, have students identify two regulative and two constitutive rules for communication behaviour that they have learned and now use.

● After they identify rules, have them talk with others in class about the rules they follow. Determine whether there are commonalities among rules that reflect broad cultural norms? What explains differences in people’s rules?

REGULATIVE RULES CONSTITUTIVE RULES

List rules that regulate how you… How do you communicate to show…

● Talk with elders ● Respect

● Interact at dinner time ● Love

● Have first exchanges in the morning ● Disrespect

● Respond to criticism from your supervisor ● Support

● Greet casual friends on campus ● Willing to begin courtship

● Talk with professors ● Professional ambition

Exercise 6: Is Our Language Sexist / Racist?

Ref: Text Chapter 4. pp. 109-112 (Manual, pp. 75, 83)

WARNING: Some of statements are deliberately provocative; choose whether particular statements can be addressed constructively or whether the organization of statements should be modified for each class

Purpose: To increase students’ awareness of ways in which language reflects cultural assumptions by prompting them to notice common phrases that imply males are standard and Caucasians are standard, hence “better” than women and people of color.

Procedure: Organize students into groups of 6-8 members, with a copy of the handout “Is Our Language Sexist & Racist? Groups have 15 minutes to decide whether statements on the handout are sexist or racist and, for each racist/sexist statement, they will devise an alternative, less biased, phrasing.

Discussion: Write the numbers 1-10 on the chalkboard, ask how many thought the 1st statement contained sexist/racist language and tally the “yes” and “no” responses for item 1. Discuss why the statement was perceived as biased and how to convey the same meaning without bias. Repeat for each remaining item.

Conclusion: language shapes how we think about ourselves and others; when we are labeled “nonstandard,” what may that do to our self-concept?

Intercultural Communication: This exercise can also be used as a seque to intercultural communication – if a culture has racist / sexist / xenophobic norms, who has the right to change that culture? Who has the right to argue that these norms should be changed? What happens when two cultures with different norms in these areas live in the same space – or in contiguous space.

Is Language Sexist and Racist?

Instructions

Determine if each statement contains language that is racist (suggests one race is BEST or the standard) or sexist (suggests one sex is better or the standard).

Propose alternative language for sentences you consider sexist or racist in their current form.

1. I now pronounce you man and wife.

2. We’re the good guys - we wear white hats.

3. The news program features man-in-the-street interviews.

4. Let’s see if we can’t make something good happen by using a little white magic.

5. Ann kept her name when she married – said she had just got used to it after 22 years

6. John stayed home to baby-sit his son while his wife went out to do some business.

7. My friend Hachividi is from India, but he acts like a regular guy.

8. I know a woman cop and male nurse.

9. Asian people are really short. Most of the women are about five feet tall, and the men aren’t much taller.

10. Blacks are more confrontational than whites.

11. The budget approved was quite niggardly

12. He is a manual laborer.

Exercise 6: Discussion of Bias in Language & Culture

1. Man and Wife are not parallel terms: Husband and Wife are. They define the one solely in terms of the relation to the other. Why is “man & wife” common in patrilineal cultures?

2. European languages often associate white with good and black with bad. Does it matter that the referent is hats, not people? Does it matter that the phrase comes from early film and television cowboy movies? Most European languages also have a structural gender bias: French, German, Spanish. English & Dutch have dispensed with gender declension – did this change have anything to do with sexism?

3. Are any women in the street giving interviews? In English, “he” and “man” are used as both a gender indicator and a generic term, to include both man and woman. “She” and “woman” are only gender indicators. What does this say to women?

4. See 2: Does it matter that difference between black and white magic is based on Light or Daytime vs Darkness or nighttime, and not on the colors Black & White. Does it matter that the differentiation precedes people being called blacks?

5. Did Ann’s husband also keep HIS name? In patrilineal/patrilocal cultures, it is normal for a man’s identity to be unchanged and unusual when a woman does not assume the man’s name. If we see this statement as sexist, does that mean culture is changing faster than language? Are we still patrilocal? Are we still patrilineal?

6. Would the speaker describe it as baby-sitting when a mother takes care of her child? Could referring to father’s taking care of children as baby-sitting imply that being with a child is primarily a mother’s responsibility Does it matter that this is “normal” in a patrilineal society? What if the speaker DOES use baby-sitting for both men and women? Discuss whether intention of speaker/writer or feelings of offended listener/observer are/should be paramount. Is “she’s a real bitch” the same when said by a man or a woman? Why can blacks call each other “Nigger” with impunity but whites can’t? Discuss power & pejorative.

7. Is a “regular guy” a WEEM (White English-speaking European Male)? What if the statement said Indiana, rather than India? What if it said “My friend Paul is from India, but…” Is sexist and racist more or less of a problem than xenophobia?

8. Do we often hear the phrases “male cop” or “female nurse”? Referring to a female police officer and male nurse spotlights the professional’s gender and implies that it is unusual in that profession. Does the fact that it is unusual in our culture make any difference? Why do we rarely hear “male kindergarten teacher” even though that profession gender unbalanced?

9. Whose standards are being tacitly used to determine shortness? WEEMS?

10. Whose standards define confrontational? What if it said “cooler”

11. No bias – a straight statement of fact. Manual comes from the Latin for “hand”

12. No bias – “niggardly” is from a Swedish word for “stingy” – but it is so close in sound to the pejorative “nigger” that it may be construed as racist. Discuss how, with a power imbalance, ANY label can become pejorative - viz Nations: from Backward, to Poor, to Underdeveloped, to Developing, to Emerging OR Negro, Colored Person, Black, Person of Color.

Exercise 7: Using Concrete Language

Chapter 4: Everyday Application: (Text, p. 124)

Purpose: To develop abilities in consciously using concrete language.

Procedure: Have students rewrite each statement, replacing abstract language with more concrete language

Example: I want to be more responsible.

Rewrite: I want to be on time for work and classes, and I want to live within my budget each month and not run up charges on my credit card.

1. I get really angry when people are rude.

2. I like teachers who are flexible and open-minded.

3. My roommate is such a slob.

4. I believe intimate relationships are based on unconditional love and acceptance.

5. I resent it when my supervisor has unrealistic expectations of me.

6. I think the media in this country are irresponsible.

Exercise 8: Rumor Clinic (a.k.a. Telephone

Text Chapter 6: (Manual, p. 98)

Purpose: To demonstrate ineffective listening habits and how a message changes during serial communication.

Procedure: Ask five students to step outside of the classroom. When they have left, read this story to the class:

Marvella had to get the courses she needed for graduation because this was her last semester at school. She was a pre-med major and the requirements were very numerous and specific for that major, so she didn’t have much room for substitutions. She had already met most college requirements, but she still needed one more historical course and one more humanities course. Otherwise, what she needed were two advanced biology courses, and both were already full, and one particle chemistry course, which she dreaded since chemistry was a particularly rough science for her. Marvella knew what she needed, but her advisor was not in his office and she didn’t know how to cut through the red tape to get the classes she needed.

After reading the story (only one time) to the class, have one student from outside the room return. Choose a member of the class to repeat the story to the person who had been in the hall. What finished, have the student who heard the story repeat it to a second person who has been in the hall. Repeat until all students in the hall have repeated the story.

Read the original story again.

Discussion:

● Discuss the changes that occurred in the story as it was told and retold.

● Focus students’ attention on listening skills that could improve message retention.

● Discuss if clearer organization and language could also improve message retention.

Exercise 9: Listening for Information

Ref: Text Chapter 6, pp. 171-172 (Manual, p. 99)

Purpose: This is a fun and short exercise that shows students how often they don’t hear or heed information in message to them. It is based on an exercise used in the Pennsylvania State University’s Continuing Education program in 1975.

Procedure: Give each student a copy of the Test of Discernment. Ask them to follow the printed instructions.

Discussion:

● When all students have finished, ask why so many of them didn’t take in and act on the information conveyed in the first sentence of the directions.

● Discuss how this is analogous to not listening because we think we don’t need to listen to or

understand some things in what others say to us.

● Encourage students to discuss ways to improve listening and to avoid prejudgments about which parts

of messages we should attend to mindfully.

A Test of Discernment

Directions: Please do exactly as instructed. Follow the instructions for each statement fully. Ask no questions and do not check to see what other students are doing. When you have finished, sit quietly and do not speak.

1. Read all statements before doing anything else.

2. Proceed carefully.

3. Put your name in the upper right corner of this paper.

4. Circle the word “name” in sentence 3.

5. Underline your name in the right corner of this paper.

6. Write your social security number beneath your name.

7. Put an X in the lower left corner of this paper.

8. On the reverse side of this paper, divide 1,589 by 15.

9. Write the answer to the problem in statement 8 here:

10. Underline the answer you wrote above.

11. Put an X through all even numbers on this page.

12. Shut your eyes for two seconds, then read sentence 13.

13. Now that you have finished reading carefully, follow only the instruction in sentence 3.

Exercise 10: Emotional Intelligence

Ref: Text Chapter 7, pp 183-185 (Manual, p. 109)

Purpose: To increase awareness about the labels we attach to emotions and why.

Procedure: Have students generate a list of emotions they have felt or expect to feel in each of the situations identified below.

● Birth of a child

● First day of school

● Family vacations/trips

● First day of college

● College social event

● Failing a course

● Finding out a close friend is dating the person you desire

● Commitment ceremony/wedding

● Divorce

● Family reunion

● High school reunion

● Break up of a committed romantic relationship

● Death/funeral

● Discuss which labels are attached to the different emotions for the different situations.

● Ask why particular labels are used instead of others.

● Use this exercise to segue into cognitive labeling view of emotions that starts on p. 187

Exercise 11: Social Influences on Emotions

Ref: Text Chapter 7, pp. 188 (Manual, p. 110)

Purpose: To increase awareness about the external influences that determine what we feel, how we frame experiences, and whether we do emotion work.

Procedure: Divide the class into groups of 5-7 students.

Assign each group a situation in which emotional responses are likely (examples below).

● You see an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend out with another when you still want to be with the ex.

● On the same day, you and your best friend hear from the company for which you both want to work. Your friend is not offered a position, and you are.

● You are enrolled in a class in which the professor gives dull lectures. After receiving a C on your first test, you go to talk to the professor. You think the grade is unfair.

● Your parents criticize you for not staying within your budget at school and threaten not to give you extra money to tide you over. You want to convince them to help you out.

● You are having a lot of difficulty keeping up with your classes while also working 20 hours a week. You know that several of your friends work as much and do well in school.

● Graduation ceremony at your college/university.

Within 20 minutes, have each group specify at least 3 framing rules, 3 feeling rules, and 2 examples of emotion work for the situation assigned to their group.

Stop groups after 20 minutes.

Discussion:

● Groups present the rules and examples of emotion work that they generated.

● Challenge members of each group and others in the class to point out differences in rules and emotion work associated with different social groups such as women and men, native US citizens and those who are from other cultures, etc.

Exercise 12: Applying the Rational-Emotive Approach to Feelings

Ref: Text Chapter 7, pp 204-205 (Manual, pp. 110-111)

Purpose: To give students an opportunity to use the rational-emotive approach to help them manage feelings in their own lives.

Procedure: Tell students you want each to participate in the exercise, and assure them that nobody will have to share his or her ideas with others. Sharing ideas will be entirely voluntary.

Have students take out a clean sheet of paper and lead them through a rational approach to feelings step-by-step.

1. Write down one real-life situation to which you had or have a distressing emotional response.

2. Write a few sentences that explain what you felt or feel in that situation. Looking for you to identify and record physiological responses (e.g., stomach in knots, lightheadedness, shaking, racing heart).

3. Write down other situations in which you experience similar physiological responses. What are commonalities across situations in which you have these responses? Are there any similarities in terms of the issues of insecurity, power imbalances, or context?

4. Write out what you hear or heard in your heads in this situation. Tune into your self-talk and write out the messages you send to yourselves.

5. Identify and dispute any irrational fallacies in your self-talk. Can you identify perfectionism, obsession with shoulds, overgeneralization, taking responsibility for others, helplessness?

Discussion: Begin discussion by using an example from instructor’s own life.

● Ask for volunteers to share what was written. Remind everyone there’s no obligation.

● Based on student disclosures, emphasize the ways to dispute irrational fallacies.

● Brainstorm with students about how to challenge particular fallacies.

Exercise 13: Counterfeit Emotional Language

Text Chapter 7, p. 200 (Manual, p. 112)

Purpose: To foster skill in recognizing counterfeit emotions.

Procedure: Divide students into groups of 5-7 persons and give each group a copy of the conversation between a mother and her son. Reinforce instructions on the handout by instructing groups to discuss the dialogue and

(1) identify any counterfeit emotions that occur in the dialogue

(2) write out non-counterfeit statements as alternatives to the counterfeit statements.

(3) be ready to report in15 minutes.

Discussion: Stop groups after 15 minutes and discuss counterfeit emotional language.

Identifying Counterfeit Emotional Language

Directions: Read the following dialogue between a mother and her son. After discussing the dialogue with others in your group, take the next 15 minutes to do the following:

● Identify any counterfeit emotional statements in the dialogue.

● Write out alternatives to the counterfeit communication.

Son: Mom, I really want to join the Delta Sig house this spring.

Mother: I feel that’s not a good idea.

Son: Well, it really matters to me. These are neat guys and it would be a lot more fun living in the house than in the dorm.

Mother: Fun isn’t the only thing to consider. I feel you should focus on your studies at college.

Son: I am focusing on my studies. I got good grades my first semester and…

Mother: Yes, and you were living in the dorm where you can study.

Son: I can study at the house too.

Mother: I’ve heard about fraternities, and I don’t feel it’s a good idea for you.

Son: I feel you’re being really unfair. You don’t know these guys and I do. They’re really great guys. I know you’d like them if you met them.

Mother: You don’t need to be in a fraternity. That’s all there is to it. Now let’s drop the subject!!!

Son: But we aren’t through discussing it. I feel you’re not listening to my side. This really matters to me and I feel it would be good for my college experience.

Mother: I listened and I’m still not going to approve. That’s just how I feel.

Exercise 14: Defensive Climate vs Supportive Climate

Reg: Text Chapter 8, pp. 222-227 (Manual, p. 119)

Purpose: To heighten awareness of how to create supportive messages.

Procedure: Have students alter the statements (below) in the specified ways. Potential alterations are noted below each statement.

● Change certainty to provisionalism:

● Change strategy to spontaneity:

● Change evaluation to description:

● Change control orientation to problem orientation:

● Change superiority to equality

● Change neutrality to empathy:

● The right thing to do is crystal clear. TO

“The right thing to do can be difficult to decide.”

● Don’t you owe me a favor from when I typed that paper for you last term? TO

“Remember that term paper I helped you with last term? Do you think you could help me out with one of my own?”

● You’re acting very immaturely. TO

“I notice that you are getting upset by this situation.”

● I think we should move where I have the good job offer because I earn a larger salary than you. TO

“What decision on moving will make the most sense for us in terms of our financial position as well as our relationship?”

● I can’t believe you got yourself into such a dumb predicament. TO

“This is a tricky situation. Let’s see what we can do to address it.”

● I don’t want to get involved in your disagreement with Susan. TO

“I can see where you’re coming from with this, and based on what you’ve said, it seems like it might be best to talk with Susan directly about this issue.”

Exercise 15: Identifying Orientations to Conflict

Text Chapter 9, pp. 248-251 (Manual, p. 130)

Purpose: To familiarize students with the different conflict orientations through recognition.

Procedure: Read each statement aloud, and have students identify which conflict orientation is most clearly reflected.

● We can’t both be satisfied with a resolution to this problem. (win-lose)

● Since we disagree on where to go for our vacation, let’s just not go anywhere. (lose-lose)

● We are never going to see eye to eye on this. I think my preference should prevail. (win-lose)

● I can’t stand fighting. Let’s not go anywhere. (lose-lose)

● No matter what you say, I’m not giving any ground on this issue. I feel very strongly and I expect you to go along with me this time. (win-lose)

● There’s no point in arguing about money. All we ever do is hurt each other without solving anything. (lose-lose)

● I’m willing to go along with your preference on the model of car if you’ll go along with my preference for color and added features. (win-win)

● Look: with only two possibilities in this situation, both of us can’t get what we want. (win-lose)

● I wonder if there aren’t some solutions other than the two we have come up with so far. I think if we keep talking, we might be able to come up with something workable for both of us. (win-win)

Exercise 16: It IS How You Play the Game

Text Chapter 9, pp248-251 Manual, pp. 131-132)

Purpose: To give students experience in and models of win-lose, lose-lose, and win-win orientations to interpersonal conflict.

Procedure: Organize students into three groups (6 smaller groups if enough time).

● Assign each group one orientation (win-lose, lose-lose, win-win).

● Have students develop a 2-5 minute role play they’ll enact for class based on this situation:

Hillary and Bill plan to marry in the spring when they graduate.

Both have job offers, but Hillary’s offer is in Texas and Bill’s is in D.C.

Hillary can get work in D.C, but not as good as the offer in Texas

Bill can get work in Texas, but not as good as the offer in D.C

They are discussing what to do about job offers and marriage.

Discussion:

● Ask students to identify the specific attitudes and communication behaviors demonstrated each conflict orientation.

● Example: Point out extent to which dual perspective, listening, and supportive communication behaviors are present in each orientation.

● The exercise facilitates integration of material from earlier in class (I-language, perceptions, climate, listening, etc.) and will highlight the progressive nature of the class,

Exercise 17: Generating Responses to Conflict

Ref: Text Chapter 9, pp. 251-253 (Manual, pp. 129-130)

Purpose: To heighten awareness about the four conflict response types (i.e., exit, voice, loyalty, neglect) and relate them to the creation of supportive or defensive communication climates.

Procedure: Read each scenario aloud and have students write down responses that reflects exit, voice, loyalty, and neglect.

● The person you have been dating suggests that it’s time the two of you talked about commitment. You feel unready to discuss a serious relationship, but your partner insists that she/he thinks the two of you need to talk about it. (Exit response would be psychologically withdrawing from the situation)

● One of your friends brings up a political race, and you make a comment about the strengths of the candidate you support. Your friend says, “I can’t believe you support that jerk. What has he done for the environment?” (Voice response would be citing environmental issues addressed by your candidate)

● One of your co-workers continuously misses deadlines in turning in reports to you. Because your reports require information from the co-worker’s reports, your reports also are late. You don’t want your late reports to interfere with your raises and advancement. You’d like for the co-worker to be more prompt. (Neglect response would be minimizing the problem; deciding it’s really not that important)

● You tell your parents you’d like to take a semester off from school. They are strongly opposed to the idea and tell you to stay in school. (Loyalty response would be staying in school to preserve the relationship with your parents and tolerating the difference of opinion)

Discussion: Address what aspects of the various responses indicate a supportive or defensive communication climate

Exercise 18: Beginning Stages of Friendship

Ref: Text Chapter 10, pp. 276-279 Friendship (Manual, p. 139)

Purpose: To increase awareness about scripts used at the start of a friendship.

Procedure: Prior to the class when this will be discussed, have students go out and meet someone new on campus and spend at least 10 minutes talking to the person.

Discussion:

● In class, have students write about the first three things that came up in the conversation and the last three things about which they talked.

● Their topics will illustrate we have scripts for first meeting conversations (e.g., where we’re from, majors, where we live) and we don’t move much past the orientation stage during first meetings.

● Example of scripts include students explaining that the contact is for a class; this is done to “excuse” what is otherwise unexpected behavior.

Exercise 19: Moving Through Friendship

Ref: Text Chapter 10, pp. 276-279 (Manual, p. 140)

Purpose: To highlight how communication varies in each stage of friendship.

Procedure: Create 6 groups of students (one group for each stage: role-limited interaction, friendly relations, moving toward friendship, nascent friendship, stabilized friendship, waning friendship)

● Tell class they have 14 minutes to construct a two-minute dialogue to illustrate the stage of friendship to which they’re assigned.

● Encourage students to refer to text to identify particular communication behaviors that tend to occur in each stage (starts on p. 276).

Discussion: After all groups present dialogue, summarize by highlighting how closeness develops between friends through communication.

● As friendships grow:

● Communication becomes more personal (more toward an I-Thou relationship)

● Communication becomes more disclosive

● Communication becomes more informal

● As friendships wane

Communication feels more awkward

There are fewer personal disclosures

Communication becomes more formal

Exercise 20: Identifying Styles of Loving

Ref: Text Chapter 11, pp 298-299 (Manual, pp. 148-149)

Purpose: To ensure a grasp of the love styles by identify which style applies to statements made by people about romance or romantic partners.

Procedure: Read each statement aloud and have students identify which style of love is reflected.

● I want to tell my partner everything about me as soon as I fall in love. (eros)

● My partner is my best friend. (storge)

● I could only fall in love with someone of my race and class. (pragma)

● I am looking for a partner who will be a good parent. (pragma)

● Love’s a game. I never take it too seriously. (ludus)

● I wish I could be sure Pat loves me. I worry all the time. (mania)

● I put Kim’s welfare and desires ahead of mine, and that the way I want to be. (agape)

● I fall in love hard and fast. (eros)

● I am not looking for a committed relationship, just some fun. (ludus)

● All I can think about is this relationship. Nothing and nobody else matters. (mania)

● I am happiest when my partner is happy. (agape)

● What I like best about my relationship is that it is so steady and peaceful; none of those dramatic ups and downs that some couples have. (storge)

● I need to make sure my partner loves me, so I come up with tests a lot of the time. (ludus and/or mania)

● I intend to marry someone who is professionally ambitious. (pragma)

● Our love just grew very gradually. We started off as friends, and eventually romantic interest developed an extra layer on the basic foundation of friendship. (storge)

Exercise 21: Personal Qualifications

Ref: Text Chapter 11, pp. (Manual, pp. 149-150)

Purpose: To increase awareness about the bases of romantic attraction and gender differences in preferences for romantic partners.

Procedure: Bring newspapers with large sections of personal ads.

● Organize students into 5-7 person groups.

● Instruct groups to take 20 minutes to analyze the personal ads by focusing on similarities and differences between ads written by women and men, by members of different ethnic groups, and by heterosexuals and gays and lesbians.

● Have them identify differences in how the authors of the ads define themselves as well as differences in what men and women, people of different races, heterosexuals and gays and lesbians are looking for in romantic partners.

Discussion: Stop groups after 20 minutes.

● Ask about the similarities in how individuals define themselves to prospective partners and in what individuals seek in romantic partners (e.g., most personals emphasize bases of attraction that are more important early in a relationship).

● Ask about the differences in how individuals define themselves to prospective partners and in what individuals seek in romantic partners

● For example, are men more likely to emphasize physical attractiveness and physical qualities in prospective partners and to define themselves more in terms of career success and financial standing? Does this indicate that men feel money and success is more important than do women and gays and lesbians?

● For example, are women more likely to emphasize psychological qualities and personal characteristics in people they’d like to meet; and to define themselves more in terms of physical qualities than do men?

● Are there distinctive differences across races? If not, does this mean that males and females are very similar across races, or is this specific to the people who use personal ads?

Same questions across sexual orientations?

● Conclude by discussing what personal ads communicate about how we see ourselves and what we notice and value in romantic partners; also, are there any implications of the criteria men and women, in general, use in searching for and evaluating romantic partners.

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