Learn a Less-Than-Useful Skill



Learn a less-than-useful skill.

Relive childhood

Practice being retired.

Eat raw yak.

Learn to belch the alphabet.

Get my comma issues under control.

Learn the names of flowers.

Learn a cool party trick: weird stomach contortion, handstand push-up demonstrations, etc.

Make no propositional statements.

Never stand on carpet barefoot again.

Camp in the backyard for a week.

Build the ultimate sand castle.

Wear lipstick.

Start wearing a hat.

Not bore my boss by with the same excuse for taking leaves. I will think of some more excuses.

Think of a password other than "password”.

Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.

Keep an extra safe distance when driving behind police cars.

Start being superstitious.

Balance my checkbook (on my nose).

Answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.

Do less laundry and use more deodorant.

Try to drive closer to the speed limit (*try* being the key word).

Always "check for paper" before and after leaving a public restroom.

New Years traditions around the world:

I resolve to…..

Have a good laugh:

Getting in shape:

A friend of mine had resisted efforts to get him to run with our jogging group until his doctor told him he had to exercise. Soon thereafter, he reluctantly joined us for our 5:30 a.m. jogs on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

After a month of running, we decided that my friend might be hooked, especially when he said he had discovered what "runner's euphoria" was. "Runner's euphoria," he explained, "is what I feel at 5:30 on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays."

Starting that diet:

My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently. 

"Good!" I exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first." 

"Great!" she replied. "I'll ride with you."

Reducing your debt:

Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife had rather grand ideas, while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum. The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher and higher. 

I dropped by one day, when the patio was near completion, and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately.

“You see where they’re smoothing that cement?” he replied. “I just threw my wife’s credit cards in there.”

Learning new things:

I was trying to decide what to do for a talent show I planned to enter. Trusting my mother to help me out, I asked, "For the show, what do you think I should do, sing or put on a comedy act?"

Glancing up from her paper, she said dryly, "What's the difference?”

Changing Ages

Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.

Half full/ half empty?

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

Shifting “norm”

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year's resolution.

Resolve

Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.

Submitted by Kati Kroll, Resident Advisor, Ferris State University

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