Biblical Model of Conflict Resolution for LCCC



A Biblical Model of Conflict Resolution for LCCC

By Reg Overstreet

Built upon Scripture’s teachings about conflict resolution and the two sample models we’ve just discussed, we can now turn towards building a biblical model for LCCC. We’re seeking to accomplish two useful things for our church in this section: one, to produce a comprehensive model of biblical conflict resolution for the training and referral of church leadership (Section A); and two, to produce a visual graphic of a simple, practical and memorizable model of conflict resolution for LCCC to teach, spread ubiquitously, and implement throughout the entire church body and all its ministries, for the purposes we discussed in our last session, which we will revisit as we go on today (Section B).

A. Comprehensive model of conflict resolution to use for training church leadership and as a reference tool for future conflict situations.

Our goals as we move into this section are to train the leadership of LCCC thoroughly on Scripture’s teaching about conflict resolution, and to provide a tool that we can use in all cases of conflict that lie ahead.

One general principle taught in Scripture is that we should try to keep the circle of people involved in a conflict as small as possible for as long as possible. If we can resolve a dispute personally and privately, we should do so. But if we cannot settle matters on our own, we should seek help from other people, expanding the circle only as much as necessary to bring about repentance and reconciliation. This is one of the great blessings of belonging to the church!

The comprehensive model for LCCC will work through five detailed steps for resolving conflict biblically.

STEP 1: Consider if appropriate to overlook the offense. (Minor offenses)

Again, the Bible says it is to a man’s glory to overlook an offense (Prov. 19:11). If you have been the victim of a minor offense, consider if overlooking it and thus giving up certain personal rights would best accomplish our goals (from Session One):

• Would it bring the most glory to God?

• Would it best maintain the unity of the body?

• Would it best grow us in holiness/Christlikeness?

• Would it best serve the other person(s) involved?

And finally,

• Would you be able to forgive and make a deliberate decision not to talk about it, dwell on it, or let it grow into pent-up bitterness or anger?

In many cases the answers to any of these questions may be “no.” And this may truly not be the best solution. In those cases we move on to our next steps—the steps of Matthew 18.

THE STEPS OF MATTHEW 18:15-17

It is unquestionably necessary for all believers to be familiar with and committed to the steps of Matthew 18:15-17. They are the primary steps of conflict resolution, mediation and church discipline as well. It is urgent that the members of Christ’s Body memorize them and follow them in every situation, with rare exception.

Matthew 18:15-17

15"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' 17If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

This takes us to STEP 2 in our biblical model for LCCC.

STEP 2: Go to the person individually.

This is STEP 2 in our biblical model, but the first step mentioned by Christ in Matthew 18. If overlooking the offense is not appropriate or fitting to the situation, we must proceed with this step.

Shockingly, however, studies have shown that in as many as 85% of conflict situations in the church, this first step is disregarded or avoided. Let me repeat that. 85% of all church conflict situations overlook Christ’s first commanded step to go straight to the person to resolve the conflict! There is no question that much of the conflict existing in our church today would not exist if God’s people followed His very first step of the process. There is also no doubt that church leaders need to do a better job implementing this in their own lives, modeling it, teaching it, and holding those with whom we work and minister to accountable to it.

Let’s take a moment now to look back at the case study we discussed a moment ago, and discuss what we should do in this situation according to STEPS 1 & 2:

CASE: A single young man came to me and said that he was talking to one of his friends in the singles group about his situation. Another single young man was saying things about him that were not true. His friend said that he thought he should talk to a pastor. So he came to me. Now he is asking me to go with him to confront the other man who was saying untrue things about him.

What would you do? What would you ask him?

POSSIBLE DISCUSSION IDEAS:

1.) Ask him if STEP 1 would accomplish our goals. Would it be right to overlook this offense and move on? Would it best accomplish our goals to bring the most glory to God; best maintain the unity of the body; best grow you in holiness/Christlikeness; and serve the other persons involved? Would it be possible for him to forgive and make a deliberate decision not to talk about it, dwell on it, or let it grow into pent-up bitterness or anger?

2.) If the answers to any of the above are no, and in many situations they will and should be, then ask him if he has done STEP 2 – gone to the person individually. If not, teach him and urge him that it not only must be done, but that doing so is likely resolve the conflict and restore the fellowship between them. If he needs help, has tried that unsuccessfully, or needs you to stay involved in the situation for some reason other, then it’s time to encourage him to move on to STEP 3.

DISCUSSION: Before we go to STEP 3, can you think of some situations when STEPS 1 & 2 are legitimately not possible, safe or in everyone’s best interest? (The conflict is with an abusive or over-intimidating person; etc.)

STEP 3: Go with one or two witnesses.

First, it’s important to understand what a witness is and is not.

1. What a witness is NOT

A witness is not someone who has “witnessed” the conflict. It is also not another ally in the camp of the accuser who has “witnessed” the behavior in question.

2. What a witness IS

A witness is rather an unbiased party who is asked to witness this meeting between the two parties, acting initially as a mediator to improve communication, give an impartial viewpoint, and offer biblical counsel. The witness hears the facts of the conflict for the first time at this meeting. A church leader or spiritually mature individual is preferred. Out of humility and sincerity, the accusing party may even consider inviting a friend of the accused to be a witness. It is sometimes a challenge to find an unbiased person, so use discretion in your selection.

3. The role of a witness

The role of the witness is to observe both sides and then repeat what they saw and heard. Typically there is sin on both sides, and the witness should be attentive to drawing and pointing that out to both parties.

An example of what a witness might say after hearing the complete story from both sides is: “This is what I heard. I heard you say this to her; you said it in this way; and this is how she took it. I would have taken it the same way. However, the way you reacted and your reply were inappropriate and would have caused me to be upset as well…”

4. Initiating this meeting

There are two ways one can initiate a meeting to address conflict with witnesses – by mutual agreement, and on your own initiative.

a. By mutual agreement

If you and your opponent cannot resolve a dispute in private, you can suggest bringing in one or more individuals to act as witnesses, and hopefully, reconcilers.

b. On your own initiative

If your opponent balks at your suggestion to involve others, carefully explain why doing so would be beneficial. If the person is a Christian, you can refer to Matt. 18 and 1 Cor. 6 as the biblical basis for your suggestion. And whether or not you are dealing with a fellow Christian, you can also describe the practical benefits of involving others, which include: fresh perspective; receiving the benefits of their experience, wisdom and creativity; saving time, money and energy; etc.

Before you take this step, however, it is wise and often beneficial to warn your opponent what you are about to do. For example, you might say, “We haven’t been able to resolve this between ourselves, and because the issue is too important to walk away from, my only other option is to obey the Bible’s commands, which means asking someone to help us out.”

NOTE: Reconciler training is beneficial, but not necessary if the mediator is spiritually and biblically mature. If you are asked to serve as a witness/mediator/reconciler, there are many good quick reference resources you should consult before participating in the meeting. *STEP 4, our next step, is one such resource.

STEP 4: Seek Mediation with church leadership. (“Tell it to the church”)

If your opponent professes to be a Christian and yet refuses to listen to the reconcilers’ counsel, Jesus commands you to “tell it to the church” (Matt. 18:17). This does not mean announcing it to the congregation, since unwarranted publicity is totally inconsistent with the intent of Matthew 18. Instead, the leadership of the parties’ church (or churches, if not attending the same church) should be sought out for mediation.

NOTE TO CHURCH ELDERS/STAFF: It is typically suggested to assign two elders/staff to each case—preferably a mix of paid and non-paid. Assign two because the matter may be time consuming; because it is always better to have a second viewpoint; or because it could be useful for training.

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THE MEDIATION ROLE

[Because this project is primarily for the training of church leadership, a fuller treatment of the role of mediator was held for this section. But, the following could also be useful for the previous two steps of Matthew 18—the meeting of person to person, and the meeting with one or two witnesses.]

I. Know who is involved (the three groups, mentioned above)

A. Primary Participants – those directly involved

B. Bystanders – those who have concern for the people; something vested

C. Third Party – not interested in details, but interested that it is handled biblically

II. Determine the Roles

A. Are all the parties inside the church?

B. Does one or more party represent an outside group or organization?

C. Whom do you represent?

III. Assess the general nature of the conflicts

IV. Commit to the roles, ground rules, confidentiality, and the biblical goals (Goals are first discussed in Session One, point III.)

V. Gather the complete facts [Use this list as a checklist]

A. Determine if the conflict is relational, material or both.

B. Define the relational or material issues in the conflict.

C. Find out what happened when (put story line together; confirm it with parties; ask if you missed anything).

D. Find out what the assumptions of each individual were (not just what happened).

E. Identify the hurt feelings and the source of the offense (not always what was said, but how).

F. Identify what were/are the hidden assumptions (ask: What did you think he meant?).

G. What were the perceived motives of the offended person toward the other party(s)—are these perceived motives in line with the other party(s) true motives?

H. Identify the biblical principles that were/are being violated, or are relevant to this situation.

I. Assess if legal rights should be exercised.

J. Assess what effects this dispute is having or likely to have on:

1. your family life

2. your occupation

3. your finances or property

4. your friendships

5. your relationship with God

6. your service to your church and community

7. the Lord’s reputation through you

VI. Refocus all parties on God’s concerns (If these are not agreed on, then self interest will consume.)

A. How does God want people to respond?

B. What is His desired outcome?

C. What is to His greatest glory?

VII. Personal Preparation of Primary Participants – [The church leader(s) must go through this important checklist with the participants in order for our real goals to be accomplished.]

A. Be honest about your own sin (Eph 4:2)

B. Control your tongue (James 3:2-12)

ILLUSTRATION: Meekness: pictured by a palm tree bent over and tied down

C. Control your anger (Eph. 4:26, 31)

*Chrysostom describes such as “having the power to take revenge, but never does.”

D. Commit to love others first above being loved

*Col 3:14 – And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity (one of our goals).

E. Pray over the spiritual warfare

*As church leaders; as participants; on prayer chains; enlist prayer teams before, during and after the entire process, etc. – for every conflict situation in the church.

F. Identify and eliminate all harbored bitterness (Heb. 12:15)

*Effects of harbored bitterness: the loss of

1. property/money

2. reputation

3. joy

4. sleep

5. friends/partnerships

6. clear conscience

7. productivity

8. and more

G. Surrender your rights (1 Cor. 9)

Evaluation Questions

Whenever you think you need to exercise your rights, ask four questions:

Q: Will exercising my rights please and honor God?

Q: Will exercising my rights advance God’s kingdom, or will it advance my interests at the expense of God’s Kingdom?

Q: Will exercising my rights be beneficial to all concerned?

Q: Is exercising my rights essential for my own well being?

(Sande, The Peacemaker, p.94)

H. Repentance for the sinful parts each participant has played in the conflict:

• CRITICAL QUESTION: How have I contributed to this conflict and what do I need to do?

• EXAMINE YOUR SPEECH: what you have been saying to and about your opponent.

1. Reckless words

2. Grumbling & complaining

3. Falsehood—misrepresenting, exaggeration, telling part of the truth, distorting truth, using words that we know will mislead or give a false impression without correcting it (John 8:44; Gen.3:13; Rev.12:9 Satan is the father of lies).

4. Gossip—Prov.16:28; 26:20. This betrays confidence by telling others about the facts, person, or your own role in a conflict.

5. Slander—malicious words about the other person.

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STEP 5A: When Mediation is successful: Applying Forgiveness

When mediation is successful at any of the points above, true and complete forgiveness must be given before complete resolution and restoration take place. [*This section could be used as a stand alone lesson on forgiveness.]

INTRODUCTION:

FOR THOUGHT: Identify your deepest hurt in life. Describe the situation, people involved, how you were hurt, and how you feel now. What role has forgiveness had in this situation?

Quote to consider: “Those who God deeply hurts, he wants to greatly use.”

FOR THOUGHT: Identify your deepest offense in hurting another person. Describe the situation, people involved, how you hurt the other person, and the nature of your relationship now. What role did asking forgiveness have in this situation?

1. What Biblical Forgiveness IS and is NOT.

|What it is NOT |What it IS |

| | |

|A feeling |An act of the will |

| | |

|Forgetting* |Refusing to recall |

| | |

|Excusing |Honest* |

| | |

|Being Sorry |Being Compassionate |

| | |

|Trusting* |Giving up my right for revenge |

| | |

Notes:

*Forgetting – not biblical; not possible; and doesn’t work

*Trusting – There can be forgiveness without immediate trust. Trust must be earned; it takes time to rebuild. This will require living graciously with the tension.

*Honest – A major factor in the rebuilding of trust.

2. How to Ask Forgiveness (and counsel it as well). (Rom. 12:17-21; Eph. 4:32)

Realize that forgiveness is a command, but it must be asked for; not commanded by us. The command comes from God. But, though we cannot command someone to forgive us, we need to know how to ask for it. Here’s how:

a. Identify your sin – specifically.

*Vagueness and generalities are easier, but do not accomplish forgiveness.

*Example: I cheated on my spouse – that is adultery

b. Identify the root (1 John 2:16)

*Example: pride; lust

c. Write it out

*“I did this, but God has shown me through time in the Word and Holy Spirit…”

d. ASK: “Will you please forgive me?”

*Don’t just apologize or say “I’m sorry,” as these do not require a response. A response is a necessary part of the equation, and must be asked for.

3. How to Ask Forgiveness for Unintentional Hurt

a. Dilemma – If you didn’t intend to hurt someone, how can you ask forgiveness?

FOR THOUGHT/DISCUSSION: Can you think of a time you found out you hurt someone unintentionally? How did you handle it?

b. Don’t be defensive. Defending yourself minimalizes the offense, makes it worse, and causes distrust.

c. Prepare to say the right things.

1.) Validate their hurt

2.) Show your motives are pure

3.) Doing these things will alleviate yourself

Memorize this script. Teach it to staff and teams. It works!

Script: “John, I realize now that you thought I was avoiding you when I didn’t say hello to you. And that hurt your feelings. I am so sorry for that. I want you to know that it was not my motive or intention to avoid you, I was just really busy and thinking about what I had to do next when I walked by you. But if I knew then, what I know now, I would have acted differently and I would have made sure I said hi to you. I am so sorry.”

d. Prevent/avoid future occurrences.

Preventative Script: “In the future I can see this happening again, where I get really busy and am not aware of how others are taking my actions or lack of actions. If this happens in the future, would you give me the benefit of the doubt and not conclude that I don’t like you, and be willing to help me by telling me how you are feeling?”

4. Agree to Make Restoration

5. Grant any Reciprocal Forgiveness Necessary

a. Willingly

b. Understanding that it may need to be done more than once for the same offense

If your or someone else’s natural personality, humor, thought pattern, speech or any other intrinsic behavior has a tendency to hurt or offend, it will likely take time and repetition of this process for everyone to overcome it.

STEP 5B: When Mediation is NOT successful: Discipline and Restoration

As we’ve seen today and read in Scripture, God calls his people to act justly, seek peace, and be reconciled with others. If a Christian refuses to do these things he is violating God’s will. If he refuses to listen to his church’s counsel to repent of this sin, Jesus says the church should “treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector” (Matt. 18:17).

The church cannot pretend that things are all right with people who claim to be Christians and yet refuse to listen to God as he speaks through Scripture and the church. Treating unrepentant people as unbelievers may be the only way to help them understand the seriousness of their sin. This may be accomplished in several different ways, which we’ll talk about soon. But, it’s important to always remember that treating them as unbelievers also means that we look for every opportunity to reach out to them; to evangelize them. If we have a proper mindset of outreach, we will not look upon these people with disdain or dislike, but with compassion and a desire that their souls are won for Christ and saved from sin.

While we don’t necessarily like the thoughts of disciplining people, removing them from our fellowship, or treating them as an unbeliever, when all prior attempts at resolution have proven unsuccessful this is what Christ commands. Though difficult, it’s clear that it is best for the individual and the entire body of Christ. Let’s discuss the process of church discipline and restoration.

[The below section is taken from Jim Amandus’ workbook: A Biblical Guide to Church Discipline and Restoration – Appendix 1]

1. Ten Purposes of Church Discipline and Restoration

What is church discipline and restoration? In many churches this biblical activity is an unknown practice. Many believers have either never heard of it or have misconceptions as to what it actually is. Church discipline is the process of lovingly confronting a brother or sister who is living in sin. If the loving confrontation produces a change of heart and behavior, then the erring brother or sister has been served and God has been honored. If loving confrontation is rejected, it results in the sinning brother or sister being placed outside the fellowship of the church. And in so doing, God is honored.

God has designed ten purposes to be accomplished through the church accountability process. *Not all of these purposes are accomplished every time spiritual accountability is exercised. The ten purposes of church discipline and restoration are:

1. To mature the church.

2. To purify the spirit and message of the church.

3. To intensify self examination in the church.

4. To prove that church leaders love and care.

5. To restore a repentant believer.

6. To prevent further sin and physical death in the believer.

7. To confirm individual responsibility for one another.

8. To affirm obedience to God’s authority.

9. To deny Satan any advantage in the church.

10. To cut fellowship ties with unrepentant believers.

*Each of these is delineated well in Amandus’ book.

2. The Process of Church Discipline and Restoration

The process of church discipline and restoration is outlined by our Lord in Matthew 18:15-20. The process involves the following five steps.

Step One—You deal with sin by privately reproving the erring believer when you have firsthand knowledge of sin in the body of Christ (Matthew18:15; Luke 17:3). If the erring believer listens and responds then you have served your brother or sister. If he or she does not listen and repent, then explain the five steps of church discipline. Tell him/her that you are moving to the second step in the process.

Step Two—You hold a private conference with the erring believer. You take with you one or two people to serve as witnesses (Deuteronomy 19:15; Matthew 18:16). If the erring believer listens and responds then you have served your brother or sister. If he or she does not listen and repent then review the five steps of church discipline. Tell him/her that you are moving to the third step in the process.

Step Three—You reprove the erring believer before the church (Matthew 18:17; 1 Timothy 5:20). At HCC that means that you and your witnesses present the erring believer before the elders, who act as representatives of the congregation. If the erring believer listens and responds then you have served your brother or sister. If he or she does not listen and repent then the elders will move to step four and explain to him/her what will be involved in that step.

Step Four—The erring believer is placed outside the fellowship of the congregation by the Elder Board (Matthew 18:17; 1 Corinthians 5:5; 2 Thessalonians 3:14-15; 1 Timothy 1:20). The church still seeks opportunities to exhort the erring believer to change his or her mind toward the sin. If the erring believer listens and responds then you have served your brother or sister and you move to step five. If he or she does not listen and respond then you continue with this exhortation as the Lord allows.

Step Five—If after being placed outside the church fellowship the erring believer repents, then he or she meets with the elders. His or her repentance will be confirmed before the elders with you and your witnesses present. The elders then publicly restore the believer to fellowship with the Lord and the church.

3. Practical Suggestions, Common Questions, Sample Models, and Objections regarding Church Discipline and Restoration

[Teachers can draw from these sections on pages 9-17 in Amandus’ workbook to support their presentation of the steps of church discipline and restoration]

We have concluded the comprehensive discussion of a model for conflict resolution at LCCC, designed for training church leadership and as a reference tool for future conflict situations. Let’s now look at the following visual model and decide if it helps serve the purpose of teaching our entire church body the biblical steps to conflict resolution, and implementing them in their daily lives. [*The corresponding “point A.” began on p. 14]

B. Simple visual model for entire church body to learn, memorize and implement the biblical steps of conflict resolution.

APPLICATION: Developing a Culture of Peace at LCCC

Many churches have been successful developing a culture of peace within them, but sadly the majority of churches have probably not given this much or any intentional focus at all. If LCCC desires to be healthy in our character and relationships we must build an environment in which our people are eager and able to resolve conflict and restore relationships in a way that reflects the love and power of Jesus Christ. Such a church culture will have the following characteristics (Sande, 289-97):

1. Vision: The church is eager to bring glory to God and demonstrate the reconciling love and forgiveness of Jesus Christ, and therefore sees peacemaking as an essential part of Christian and church life. (Luke 6:27-36; John 13:35; 1 Cor. 10:31; Col. 3:12-14)

2. Training: The church knows this does not come naturally, so it actively trains both its leaders and members to respond to conflict biblically in every area of life. This is what brings us to this subject today, and hopefully many days and venues in the future. (Gal. 5:19-21; Luke 6:40; Eph. 4:24-26; 1 Tim 4:15-16; Titus 2:1-10)

3. Assistance: When members cannot resolve disputes privately, the church assists them, even when conflicts involve financial, employment, or legal issues. (Matt. 18:16; Rom. 15:14; 1 Cor. 6:1-8; Gal. 6:1-2; Col. 3:16)

4. Perseverance: The church works long and hard to restore relationships, in the same manner that God pursues us. (Matt. 18:12-16; Rom. 12:18; Eph. 4:1-3; Matt. 10:1-9; 1 Cor. 7:1-11)

5. Accountability: If members refuse to listen to private correction, church leaders get directly involved to hold members accountable to Scripture and to promote repentance, justice and forgiveness. (Prov. 3:11-12; Matt. 18:15-20; 1 Cor. 5:1-5; James 5:19-20)

6. Restoration: Wanting to imitate God’s amazing mercy and grace, the church gladly forgives and fully restores members who have genuinely repented of serious sins. (Matt. 18:21-35; Eph. 4:32; 2 Cor. 2:5-11)

7. Witness: This culture of peacemaking actively spreads the gospel. Members are so equipped and encouraged to practice peacemaking openly in their daily lives that others will notice, ask why, and hear about the love of Christ. (Matt. 5:9; John 13:34-35; 17:20-23; 1 Peter 2:12, 3:15-16)

The heart of the attitude required for conflict resolution is the joy and thankfulness that come from fully understanding the gospel of Jesus Christ (Phil. 4:4). Jesus died on the cross in our place to release us from the penalty and ongoing slavery of sin. He wants us to practice reconciliation on in our relationships with others. Colossians 3:12-13 describe this: “As God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (cf. Eph. 4:1-3; Gal. 6:1-2; 2 Cor. 5:18)

These attitudes and actions do not come naturally to people. In fact, our instincts usually tell us to do the opposite. Therefore, building such a culture of peacemaking takes a lot of work. The good news is that the work isn’t done by an elite few, but is shared throughout the entire church. Church leaders, it’s up to us to instigate, practice, model, teach, train, carry out, remind and even enforce Christ’s system of keeping peace and resolving conflict within His Body. Let’s pray we are up to the task, and embark on it together!

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