What Does it Mean to be a Man?



What Does it Mean to be a Man?A paper by Patrick StascavageA look into the psyche of being a manThe origins of a man can never really be explained, but merely hypothesized. The big question to look at here is “what does it mean to be a man”? To get an answer, one has to look at three things; maturity, milestones, and mishaps. Maturity can be gauged by how much responsibility one has accepted, milestones are determined by culture, and mishaps are the random factor thrown in. To really find the answer, one would have to ask a large group of people. This has already been done by a researcher in Australia who asked two groups of men, one in there 20’s and the other group being middle aged. One person who this writer interviewed was abused by his wife and he said he felt humiliated and tiny because of it. The interviewees were clueless as to how their manhood came about. Some even claimed to still not be grown up. Others said it just happened when you reached a certain age. In the Jewish community, a boy isn’t considered a man until his Bar Mitzvah, so thus, some cultures have special rites of passage. From these results, it seems nothing can be made about what it means to be a man. Everyone will always have a different answer, and the real answer may very well differ from man to man.Over the years, the human race has progressed quite far in terms of equal rights and the roles that both genders play in society. Women are now taken seriously and are a huge part to the modern family and do much more than stay home and watch the kids. But have they kept their innocent and weak image? What kind of image does a man now have? Globally, as a human, what does it mean to be a man?When asked “What does it mean to be a man?”, this student got a lot of feedback, most of which consisted of someone who can support a family, is always loving, and someone who is “Ballsy”. This was an American view gotten from both male and female perspectives. But what about other cultures and countries? Does every man have the same responsibilities as a community and family leader? What really makes a man a man? What leads up to abuse for either gender and how can it be prevented? There seems to be this image stuck in our heads of a big muscular guy slapping a poor helpless woman around whenever we think of abuse, but that is not the case. Men are abused almost as much as females are, but not nearly enough of these cases are brought to light. Why? Because society has this image of men as being providers and being large and in charge. They have to be able to stand up to anything and control their family. This leads to another problem that occurs in America. Rape is a very serious and ugly problem. 10 % of it’s victims are male, outside of prison, but hardly any of them come out about and discuss it. They are ashamed and feel like power has been taken. I hope to shed more light on this blight through research and hopefully an interview with at least one victim of abuse or rape. Maybe the question that one should be asking is What does it mean to be a human? What does it mean to be? What does it mean? Maybe the real question is Why? Why does a man come about. Well there are 3 different requirements that must be met which include Milestones, Maturity, And Mishaps. Milestones being the peaks that one achieves in life while heading toward his ultimate goal. Maturity is when he realizes he is grown up and takes on responsibility. Some milestones and maturity remarks will most definitely overlap. Finally there are have mishaps. Not everyone has a perfect life, so one must take into consideration, such as abuse or rape.Maturity in general is something that both men and women need to achieve in order to be a true man or woman. According to one author(David B Bohl author of Slow Down Fast), there are 7 signs that one has reached maturity. The first of which is that one has to be able to make smart decisions without getting angry. Too often we let our anger control our outcomes to situations, which we later regret. Patience comes next. Once we learn to be patient we can stop looking for immediate quick fixes which normally don’t last long and try and work out a long term solution that will resolve a problem for good. The next trait of maturity pretty much sums up to being able to handle anything no matter how bad it may be. One has to accept a loss when it happens and realize that they have to happen from time to time and once one gets past the difficult times, one can start the good times. The next is humility, which this writer believes is huge trait a man needs. It’s easy to boast about being right but it takes nearly everything in one’s being able to admit that one is wrong. With this trait, one also has to learn about perspective and realize everyone sees things differently. According to Dave, the next step is the follow through. If one is going to make a decision one has to go with it, be it a promise or parenthood. One just can’t quit, especially when it comes to the latter. Also when canceling one needs to have the ability to organize an ultimatum with the party one is canceling with, especially in a crisis situation. Finally, Dave says one needs to live at peace in order to achieve utmost maturity. One needs to learn life is life and somethings are just unchangeable and that’s just the way its going to be.( Bohl 1) According to another source, the way maturity progresses is not definitive and can range from person to person. Some things are certain and that is education, skill sets, and money have nothing to do with Maturity. (Gauging Matuiry 1) Every man has a set of milestone’s which happen throughout his life. To become a man, one has to reach a certain amount of these, which may actually vary from person to person. These milestones may include anything from a man’s first beer with his father, to realizing for the first time that he is wrong. Some of the milestones listed by one author, which this writer found relevant, were one’s first paycheck(Shows one is willing to work for ones money and introduces the responsibility and pain of paying taxes), first victory “Over the Man”, and the first time one dumps a girl, which takes an extraordinary amount of effort to do.(CITATION) One may even say that a man’s first beer is a huge milestone. A man will always remember how awful his first beer tasted, which would later take years to get over, but it’s all a part of growing up.(Beer CITATION)Different religions have different milestones for when one becomes a man. Probably the most widely known and recognized is a Jewish boy’s Bar mitzvah. This is his becoming a man ceremony. When a boy comes to the ripe old age of 13, he is known as a “bar mitzvah”, which roughly translates to the son of the commandment. The boy now has every right that a man above the age of 13 has and is responsible both morally and ethically for everything he does. The party in which the Jewish people celebrate this coming of manhood is also referred to as a bar mitzvah. Technically the ceremony isn’t required, seeing that as soon as boy turns 13, he is automatically a man, but it is had by many, and the specific details may vary. It really depends on which section of Judaism they belong too, for example, Orthodox is one of those sections. Another thing that a boy may do is read the Torah and a special blessing during the next Sabbath, which he could spend months, years even, preparing for this sacred and special event. In some sects of Judaism, the boy has to raise money in which he donates to a charity before/ during his bar mitzvah. During the service, the boy and his family receive many blessings from the community, and some pass on the family Torah from generation to generation (ex. Grandfather to father to the son who is coming of age). The Jewish community considers this to be a milestone that begins his further study into Jewish beliefs. The whole party idea is actually a fairly new one. One thing to keep in mind is that it is the celebration of a sacred religious milestone, not a big party. For gift’s many families will give money. Normally, a large chunk of this is donated to the charity of his choosing, then the rest is put towards his college fund.( Pelaia, Peter) Girls have something similar to a bar mitzvah called a bat mitzvah, which means the daughter of the commandment. This happens a year earliar than boys and they gain the same rights as every other adult women. The first Bat Mitzvahs actually happened really recently in 1922. It finally allowed women to participate during the Sabbath and let them read from the Torah. This was modeled heavily from the Bar Mitzvah model, but isn’t nearly as complicated. Because some Orthodox communities still prohibit women from participating at all in the ceremonies, there is hardly any to no trace of bat mitzvahs in these communities.( Peliea 1)In the Buddhist religion, boys undergo a process called the Shinbyu, which marks the samanera of a boy 20 years of age or younger. It’s quite an honor for the parents to let the boy become this, so that he may study under the Buddha for quite a bit, and maybe even the rest of his life. This allows a boy to go to a monastery from a time period ranging from quite short, to the rest of his life to study all about the Buddhist ways. It’s such a huge honor to the family, that some families who did not have a boy sometimes adopt a boy, or offer to pay for a poorer families to child to have such a life changing experience. (Shinbyu)To further ones understanding, one must start at the beginning. When does a male become a man? According to a writer named Kipnis, this transition is gradual and is in some sorts, a rite of passage. Some of the main milestones of becoming a man include the dad’s approval on one’s choices and actions, starting of sexual actions, consumption of alcohol, etc. It’s these simple steps according to authors of masculinity that lead to one’s “initiation” into manhood. Technically speaking, one becomes a man when one turns 18, but one therapist says that there are many men walking around that are still children. This same therapist, Biddulph, thinks that every boy needs a mentor or teacher of sorts to help ease them into manhood. (Crawford 25)In America, we are severely lacking in assistance and opportunity that young males need in order to become a man. According to Jungian psychologists, there are only for specifications that one needs in order to dignify himself as a man. These include finding one’s place in the world, being able to support oneself, and developing one’s own identity. This identity is something that defines the differences between oneself and one’s parents, showing that you are indeed one’s own person. (Crawford 25)In an Australian study about how a male would describe when exactly he became a man, the results were pretty interesting. Before jumping right into any kind of serious question, there was small talk about past sports and all these interviews were held were held somewhere public and comfortable. After the small talk, they where asked the big question,” When did he become a man?” and the all around response was the same. They make nervous gestures, and often they leaned far back in their chairs if they could. The question was open ended and left to be interpreted in any way the interviewee saw fit. None of the men interviewed even noticed this response. Here is one of the interviews:“Haha, hmff. I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m one yet! I don’t know. That’s an interesting question ’cos you hear ’grow up be a man’ and all that. I don’t really know when that comes. I don’t really know. People go ’do you consider yourself a man?’ I don’t really think about it, its sort of question where you go ’I don’t know’. Just never really thought about it a lot though! I wasn’t really looking for anyone to show me when I was younger, like. I didn’t really think about it, just sort of grew up. - Toby, 22.”Everyone of the interviewees, except one, couldn’t honestly answer when it was that they became a man. The thought behind this was that they hadn’t many responsibilities common to someone who is older, such as a family. This is what gets the men to talk about the main question of this paper. “What does it mean to be a man?”. Most of them fail at trying to put into words what it means, as if it is an inevitable part of life. (Crawford 25)“I think you are pretty much a man when you make a decision that whatever society throws at you, when you finally decide what your views are, what your attitudes are and live your life by them, this is my belief.” – DominicStrangely, two of the interviewees talked about how they didn’t want to grow up and weren’t ready for life just yet, while some talked about how being a man means standing up for whatever it is that one believes in no matter what. Not a lot of people think about mundane things such as this, so the answer is pretty complicated. (Crawford 25)“Yeh in the past few years, just a general sort of maturity, interested in being me. I just think it was a gradual thing. I haven’t given the issue much thought” – AlexEveryone that was interviewed admits that they have given this little to no thought and assumed it just kind of happened, as one got older. The oldest guy was 26 and even he had no clue as to when someone “becomes a man” in today’s world. They really have trouble telling how it happens, but they believe that it has to do with some milestones in growing up, such as reaching voting age and being able to drink, etc. (Crawford 25)This same thing is done with men who are in their late 30’s-40’s and they have for the most part all been married at one point. They had the same question asked as the first group, “When did you become a man?” (Crawford 25)“Am I a man? Are you a man? Are any of us really men? I don’t know? When does any man become a man? Is it when he’s circumcised, is it he has the first sex, is it when he has his first child? I think becoming a man is a lifelong process. It’s like learning, you never finish … But I think a lot of men, especially young men, don’t think they’re successful until they have reared a family.” - James, 38. (Crawford 25)Hardly any of them can reply to this. At first the initial reaction is to talk about puberty, but even this topic fades as they themselves start delving deeper into thought. The fathers eventually came to a decision that the time when they officially became a man was when their first child was born. One suggests it’s a kind of evolution, but later contradicts himself but doesn’t even care that he did so. (Crawford 25)“The Jews have their bar-mitzvah, the aborigines have their ceremonies, all indigenous cultures have that. Umm, white Anglo-Saxon males its getting drunk, 18th birthday, yeh, get a ’root’. I don’t think any sort of physical ceremony can do that. It’s a .. developing consciousness, which is far greater than any physical attribute or coming of age.”-Ashley 38(Crawford 25)so this shows that even men at the mid-life phase of life haven’t really given much thought on the subject of what does it mean to me a man. The data shows that they just assume it just comes about when one reaches the certain milestones in his life. The three words that were given to definae a man were, ”provider, guardian, and partner”. (Crawford 25)None of the interviewees can remember a situation that immediately made them realize they have achieved the status of manhood, also their own culture didn’t have a signifying manhood event, such as a Bar mitzvah. Ashley once again, is the only one to give his two cents on what he believes it means to be man. (Crawford 25)“the ability to do more that what is required of you .. I think its more aaah .. willingness to stand up and be counted for what you are, who you are, what you believe in! Even if it means standing alone. I don’t think it’s a physical sort of sense.”-Ashley(Crawford 25)What really makes a man a man? What leads up to abuse for either gender and how can it be prevented? We seem to have this image stuck in our heads of a big muscled guy slapping a poor helpless woman around whenever we think of abuse, but that is not the case. Men are abused almost as much as females are, but not nearly enough of these cases are brought to light. Why? Because society has this image of men as being providers and being large and in charge. They have to be able to stand up to anything and control their family. (Crawford 25)This leads to another problem that occurs in America. Rape is a very serious and ugly problem. 10 % of it’s victims are male, outside of prison, but hardly any of them come out about and discuss it. They are ashamed and feel like power has been taken. I hope to shed more light on this blight through research and hopefully an interview with at least one victim of abuse or rape. Around 10% of all rape happens to a guy. Men are way less likely to report it. Most rape is to show dominance, power, so when a male rapes another male, it’s to show is more powerful. So it’s not necessarily a sexual act. (Crawford 25)In recent years, Chivalry has become less and less visible. The nice guy that every girl used to dream about as a kid is no longer the object of their desire. One they look for someone with a backbone, and someone who may not even be nice, but cool. No matter how much it gets denied, women love the chase, and when a guy is flexible and submissive, the tension in a relationship is lost, thus so is the interest.( Hayden, Erik)In this students experience find this utterly true. Every girl this student has been with has eventually lost interest and fell for some macho jerk. In one of the examples in this student’s article, one of the people who seeked advice on how to be someone who wasn’t so flexible had been seeing this girl, who left him alone in her house painting her walls while she went out on a date with some other guy. That’s just cruel.In the depths of Africa, a new weapon has emerged and has ravished it’s people both physically and mentally. This new weapon isn’t a product of the technological era, but a product of something much more savage and basic. It violates everything it means to be free and the basic rights of all humans. This new weapon is rape. And females aren’t the only victims. Men have been tortured and raped for years now.( Timeslive.)Male rape victims come forward about rape being used as a weaponSince 2007, government officials have been taking civilian prisoners and raping them to keep them in line. A lot of aid groups have been focused on women victims, but just recently, a lot more males have been coming out. One talked about being gang raped every day for several weeks until he passed out. This man was raped 3 times a day, every single day for three years. He was so ashamed to come out and say it that he didn’t even tell his wife until much later, via a counselor. The humility it brought made him suicidal and his wife eventually left him.( Wasswa 3)Rape is a huge problem in prisons now a days. Studies have shown that prisoners who have experienced rape or abuse are bound to silence, for fear as being known as a rat and being an outcast in an already lonely world. When they tried to talk to a shrink, they got no response. In one Arkansas prison, rape was reported at least twice a week, but that’s nor counting the number who were too afraid to tell. (Almost Diamonds)A study at University of NH showed male abuse was just as common as female and in Florida, men were more likely to get stalked and attacked by females than the vice versa. In UoW, they found the same thing with women more than 2 times likely to do something that would fall under domestic abuse.( Angelucci 3)People with power but not status seem to be pretty upset. They want to use this power to the extent that they can, so this can lead to rudeness, and even abuse. People with power AND status have been shown to be quite happy with themselves.( Martinez 2)Even in the army, military families can be stressed beyond the breaking point and lead to spousal abuse. So after one case, the Fort Hood commanding general started emphasizing how wrong this is and wants to make sure anyone who is a victim seeks help! (Pafford 3) Mentioned later on In the paper, there is a charity one can contact to tell about male domestic abuse called Mankind.One person who this writer has contacted lives in France and was a male victim of domestic violence. He now lives with his mom and has to see a therapist several times a month to get over this dramatic experience. Another guy who this writer talked with in San Diego has actually been charged with domestic violence falsely when he was the victim because no one believed he was a victim and he had hurt her. He was later acquitted.Xavier Francois was eager to give his account of abuse that happened to him, and oddly, it is much more of a psychological/emotional abuse rather than the physical type of abuse, often thought of when you hear about a man abusing his wife. He is French and is currently living in Paris.Xavier was 21 and he met her at his job, and soon after they were together. Not long after that, the fighting began. After about 2 months into the relationship, she got pregnant. She had lied to me, and stated that she was on a contraceptive, which wasn’t the case at all. It was only after they had broken up that he became aware of this. The two of them decided to go with the abortion option. Unfortunately, things didn’t go as expected, mostly because the doctor handles everything under the table The only reason Xavier trusted him was because his mother, who also worked in the same hospital, recommended him. Soon, his now ex started blackmailing him and refused to let him leave the house, threatening to tell her parents about the abortion. He was about to lose his job, so he eventually called her bluff and went to work. Upon returning home, she was waiting, locked in the bathroom, with anti-depressants and swallowed 6. He rushed her to the nurses, and he’s not sure what the nurses heard, but he was interrogated by the police about domestic violence. This led to him losing his job. He still stayed with her. Money was scarce, and they were too young for benefits. She demanded that he stop contact with his family. She refused to let him leave her and he couldn’t get a new job. She eventually was forced to ask her parents to lend her some money, which led to her parents seeing him as nothing but a parasite. Needing money, she tried to get him to fake a pay stub, so she could open up a new bank account. He submitted, and surprisingly money was easier to come by. The bank even gave him a credit card. He and her still fought a lot. She blamed him for everything, including the abortion. She threatened to constantly throw him out, seeing that her name was the one on the lease. One night the fighting got violent and she hit him in the face with her keys. Several months later, she fell pregnant again, and didn’t tell him until it was too late for an abortion. She then tried committing suicide and wound up at the hospital again. They fought once again and she threatened to kick him out, so he called her bluff once more and got his stuff, called his mom and left. She then filed a bunch of domestic abuse charges against him, which were all dropped. The child was born and he hasn’t seen her since.Xavier took in a lot and managed to make it through. From what this reader has read, men are put through much more psychological abuse than physical when it comes to domestic violence, and women normally suffer a more physical torture. Another prime example is 34 year old Matt from Seattle. He was both emotionally, and psychologically abused by his wife for around 8 years. It even got violent and included hitting and kicking Matt in front of his kids. Eventually things got out of hand and the wife cut her own throat with a piece of string, called the cops, and made a false claim that Matt was threatening her with a gun. He’s never owned, never the less touched a gun. It took Matt over 2 years to get these false charges settled. He says that he felt like no one believed him “because I am a male I felt no one in the system ever believed me. I was guilty by association.” This just goes to show how much harder it is on males who wind up on the receiving end of domestic abuse, and already, the court is not on his side when it comes to clearing charges.(Interview from Matt)While doing some research, this writer came across a charity called Mankind, which is United Kingdom support group for male victims of domestic abuse. According to their site, men especially suffer greatly from domestic abuse because it’s quite unrecognized and there’s such a lack of social understanding behind it. Some of the things that Mankind strives for include making sure that there are safe houses of some sorts available to men who were victims and to make sure that they are taken care of in court and by officialsMen can never even know from whence they came. Who can really see when someone has grown up and really progressed to the point of independence and maturity. One can 50 and still have the mind of a child and the maturity of a monkey. This writers grandpa still giggles like a little kid whenever we set off fireworks in his front yard. To really understand what it means to be a man, on might need to ask oneself what it means to be a woman. How does the role of a woman differ from the role of a man? Do they have the same progressive milestones as guys and value the same thing in order to be deemed with the title of an adult or deemed mature and ready for the world? What must be studied in addition to what it means to be a man is what does it mean to be a kid as well. What is anything really? What is normal? This just leads to a whole network of unanswerable questions. Trying to answer this question is like trying to say what is gravity. Nothing but a theory can be made of gravity, which is why the analogy was made. The reason we stay on the earth is only a theory (such as gravity that is widely believed, but there have been other (silly) explanations such as the Pastafarian reason to why we stay on earth. The Flying Spaghetti Monster keeps us down here with his noodely appendage.( Flying Spaghetti Monster) Odds are nobody will ever know the real answer and even more likely, the answer differs for each and every individual being on the planet.It was obvious from the beginning, that we may never answer this question. A man just is and comes about through so many unperceivable aspects that it is hard to pinpoint exactly which ones bring it about. From information gathered, these aspects can be narrowed down into 2 different Categories. Maturation and milestones. Eventually most of us will think of ourselves as men when we get to a certain age, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything without having accomplishments and having reached points in one’s life where one is supportive of onerself. For example, this writer wouldn’t consider someone a man if he was 30, lived in one’s parents basement, and had no connection with the outside world, while if someone was 25, were currently serving our country abroad/ and our were supporting a wife and child, he may have reached manhood, but still need to work out the kinks. One bizarre factor to work into this is men who have been victims of domestic abuse/ rape. How could one recover from such an emotional and psychological shocker. In a lot of cases he can’t. But This writer has concluded that manhood is still a possibility. With the help of family and friends, he could pull through this, and that takes all the strength that one can muster, especially when it involves his children. Truly anyone who can get on with their lives after a torment such as this is considered a man by anyone’s standards.-Crawford, David. "Becoming a Man- The Views and Expieriences of Some Second Generation Australian Males." 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"Domestic violence victim speaks out at proclamation signing." CNN. (2011): 3. Web. 21 Dec. 2011. < with Xavier Francois-Interview with Matt from Seattle"Flying Spaghetti Monster." Uncyclopedia. Web. 6 Jan 2012. <;."Shinbyu." Wikipedia, Web. 22 Jan 2012. <, Ariella. "What is a Bat Mitzvah?." . N.p., n.d. Web. 22 Jan 2012. <"Gauging Matuiry- telling boys from men." Sunjay Times. n. page. Web. 22 Jan. 2012. <, Peter. "What is a Bar Mitzvah?." . 1. Web. 22 Jan. 2012. <, Dave. "DO You Recognize the 7 Ingredients of Maturity." Dumb little Man. n. page. Web. 22 Jan. 2012. <;."A man's First Beer." Hop Soda. (2011): 1. Web. 22 Jan. 2012. <;. ................
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