Relationship Equality Wheel

[Pages:15]HEALTHY BOUNDARIES PROGRAM

For Assistance and Programming, Contact Officer Tressa S. Johnson Community Affairs 419-530-4964

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Relationship Equality Wheel

The Healthy Boundaries program provides a safe place to talk about relationships and to learn and practice healthy relationship skills. Participants learn that healthy relationships are based on equality and mutual respect. In a healthy relationship, each person's can experience personal growth and the intimacy of healthy connectedness. The power in a healthy relationship is balanced. Healthy relationships happen when we actively respect each other's rights. Participants realize that while conflict is inevitable in relationships, fear, threats and violence are not. Healthy relationships have numerous benefits, including better morale, attendance, and grades.

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Healthy Relationships

Good or bad, relationships are inevitable. We have many different kinds of relationships with many different people in our lives. Whether with friends, family members, boyfriends/girlfriends, partners, acquaintances, roommates, or coworkers, it is important to know how to have a healthy relationship. Healthy relationships help us to feel good about ourselves, improve our emotional health, and fulfill a need for connection and intimacy. Positive relationships can also enhance our daily activities involving education, career, and leisure.

Relationships can be confusing and stressful, but there is assistance. Click on the links below for information provided by the Healthy Boundaries Program. For additional questions, concerns, or support please contact Officer Johnson University of Toledo Police Community Affairs at 419-530-4964.

Healthy Boundaries Program

Good relationships are based on RESPECT and EQUALITY. Everyone deserves to be treated with DIGNITY.

Your Dating Rights

What Love Is, What Love is Not

Relationship Contract

What I need to know about a partner before I get into a relationship

6 Easy Steps to Healthy Communication

Messages that mean "no"

What is Consent?

Which side describes your relationship?

Check your relationship

Warning Signs

Four things you really need to know when you might be in an abusive relationship

If someone is hurting you where to go for help

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Good Relationships are based on RESPECT and EQUALITY. Everyone deserves to be treated with DIGNITY.

A Woman in a Healthy Relationship is Someone Who:

? Is willing and able to make decisions about her activities, her future, and her family. ? Speaks her mind in a relationship. ? Refuses to do things that are uncomfortable. ? Expects people to treat her with respect and affection even when they are angry or

disappointed. ? Expects an equal relationship where partners take turns giving and getting from each

other. ? Expects that any and all sexual behavior is consensual. ? Knows that destructive relationships hurt her self-esteem and mental and physical well-

being. ? Knows that any violence is unacceptable.

A Man in a Healthy Relationship is Someone Who:

? Respects others and does not try to control them. ? Participates in discussions and negotiations and does not feel threatened when his

partner voices opinions that are different from his own. ? Compromises and realizes that he does not loose power or status if his way is not

followed. ? Does not resort to threats, insults or violence to get his way. ? Knows that "no" means no and does not force sexual contact. ? Can confront feelings of anger and frustration without taking them out on someone else. ? Knows that it is ok to feel sad and cry when overwhelmed with emotions. ? Recognized that he may be physically stronger than others, but does not use that

strength to hurt. ? Accepts an equal share of the responsibility needed to keep a relationship healthy. ? Accepts when a relationship ends, and does not feel the need through power and control

to keep the relationship going. ? Knows that any violence is unacceptable.

Source: Sojourner-House Dating violence Program, sojourner-

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Your Dating Rights...

? I have the right to refuse a date without feeling guilty and being called names. ? I have the right to ask for a date without feeling devastated if the answer is "no". ? I have the right to choose to go somewhere alone without having to pair up with

someone. ? I have the right to invite a friend on a first date. ? I have the right not to be "macho" or "seductive". ? I have the right to say "no" to physical closeness. ? I have the right to say, "I want to get to know you better before I become more involved." ? I have the right to say, "I do not want to be in this relationship anymore." ? I have the right not to be abused physically, sexually, or emotionally. ? I have the right to change my goals whenever I want. ? I have the right to have friends and space aside from my relationship. ? I have the right to suggest activities. ? I have the right to refuse any activities, even if my date is excited about them. ? I have the right to have my own feelings and express them. ? I have the right to say "I think my partner's information is wrong or his/her actions are

unfair or inappropriate. ? I have the right to have my limits and values respected. ? I have the right to be heard. ? I have the right to refuse to lend money. ? I have the right to not have the role of completing my partner. ? I have the right to refuse sex with anyone for any reason. ? I have the right to not change for anyone but myself.

You also have the right and responsibility...

? To express your opinions and have them respected. ? To have your needs be just as important as your partner's needs. ? To grow as an individual, in your own way, at your own pace. ? To change your mind at any time. ? Not take responsibility for your partner's behavior. ? Not to be physically, emotionally, or sexually abused. ? To break up and fall out of love with someone and not be threatened. ? To determine my limits and values. ? To respect the limits and values of others. ? To communicate clearly and honestly. ? To ask for help when I need it. ? To be considerate. ? To check my actions/decisions to determine if they are good for me or bad for me; to set

high goals. ? To have an equal relationship. ? You always have the right to be safe.

Source: Dating Violence: An Anti-Victimization Program, Texas Council on Family Violence and The Bridge Over Troubled Waters, Inc. and SojournerHouse Dating Violence Program.

What Love Is, What Love Is Not

Love Is... ? Responsibility ? Hard Work ? Pleasure ? Commitment ? Caring ? Honesty ? Trust ? Communication ? Sharing ? Negotiating ? Compromising ? Openness ? Respect ? Appreciating Differences ? Vulnerability ? Friendship ? Strong Feelings ? Helping Your Partner ? Helping Yourself

Love Is Not... ? Jealousy ? Pain ? Sex ? Being Selfish ? Getting Pregnant to Keep the Relationship ? Dependency ? Intimidation ? Fear ? Manipulation ? Expecting All Your Needs To Be Met ? Possessiveness ? Violence ? Obsession ? Cruelty ? Making Someone Pregnant to Keep the Relationship ? Giving Up Yourself ? Scoring ? Proving Yourself ? Lies ? Controlling

Source: Expect Respect: A Support Group Curriculum for Safe and Healthy Relationships, Safe Place, PO Box 19454 Austin, TX 78760

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Relationship Contract

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This "Contract" is to help you identify what you want in your close relationships. Two people in a relationship can use this contract to understand what each person wants and where they have disagreement. Write your answers down and, if you want to, compare answers with your boyfriend or girlfriend. An alternative is to discuss comparisons with a non-judgmental or neutral supportive individual.

Dating

1. Should every weekend and evening be spent with your girlfriend/boyfriend? 2. Who decides what to do and where to go on a date? 3. What about expenses? Should one person always be expected to pay? 4. If your date always pays for expenses, are you obligated to go along with his or her

sexual advances? 5. How do you feel about your date using alcohol or drugs? 6. Is there any situation in which it would be okay for your date to push you around? To hit

you? To call you names? 7. If this relationship does not work out can you agree to end the relationship without the

threat of violence, emotional pressure, or intimidation? Can this be accomplished no matter the length of time and commitment put into the relationship?

Sexual Rights

1. Are both people free to say that they do or do not want to go any further sexually? 2. At what point may a person refuse to have sex? 3. If both you and another person agree to have sex, whose responsibility is it to use birth

control? To protect against AIDS? To Protect against STD's?

Other Relationships

1. Are you or your boyfriend/girlfriend free to have intimate relationships or friendships with other people? If so how will you deal with jealousy?

2. Do you include each other in those relationships or friendships or can they be separate?

Priorities

1. What qualities are most important to you in a boyfriend/girlfriend? 2. What do you consider the most important ingredients in a relationship?

Source: Expect Respect: A Support Group Curriculum for Safe and Healthy Relationships, Safe Place, PO Box 19454 Austin, TX 78760

What I Need To Know About A Partner Before I Get Into A Relationship

1. Amount of time spent with family? 2. His/her parent's relationship? 3. Ways the family handles disagreements? 4. Feelings toward mother and father? 5. Wants me to make all the decisions? 6. Ways he/she handles anger? 7. Physical, sexual or psychological abuse in the family? 8. How does he/she act with younger children? With pets? 9. Previous relationships and what happened? 10. Compatible values? 11. Words consistent with actions? 12. Ethical behavior toward others? 13. Expresses feelings openly? 14. Acts controlling, possessive, extremely jealous? 15. Opinions about everything I do? 16. Frequently criticizes and tells me how to dress or act? 17. Have other interests and friends? 18. Has a social support system? 19. Abuses alcohol and drugs? 20. History of trouble with the law? 21. Ideas about sex compatible with mine? 22. Wants to make all the decisions; answers questions for me?

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6 Easy Steps to Healthy Communication

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1. Make Some Rules Before Having A Difficult Conversation: ? No physical contact unless one asks for it ("Will you hold my hand as we talk?") ? No raising of voices. That would not help either of you get your points across. ? Pick a neutral setting to minimize power differences. ? Agree to take a "time out" or continue on another day if the conversation gets too difficult.

2. Practice Active Listening: ? Start by making eye contact; this lets the other person "see" that you are listening. ? Use techniques such as head nods or brief verbal affirmations to let the other person know that you have heard and understood. ? Try hard not to interrupt the other person when she/he is speaking.

3. Use "I" Statements: ? Try hard, especially when in an argument, to begin your sentences with "I..." ? Statements beginning with "you," like, "you make me so mad..." or "you are always..." put the other person on the defensive, and do not encourage healthy communication. ? Start with how you feel ("I feel angry") and then add the reason ("when you [describe the problem], because..."). You will still get your point across, but in a less threatening manner.

4. Take Turns Talking: ? Everyone needs, and deserves, a chance to speak. ? "Speaking Stick": Pick any object together and allow only the person who is holding it to speak. When that person is done speaking, she/he passes the object to the next person, and that person talks. At the end of the conversation, decide together what to do with the object.

5. Learn About the Other Person's Point of View: ? Everyone is different; we each think differently, and we each have different perceptions, experiences, and goals. How does the other person see/understand the situation? ? Strive to find out about these differences with your conversation partner. ? Agree to disagree. Maybe you can not see eye-to eye all of the time. That is okay.

6. Use Non-Verbal Communication: ? Most communication between people is non-verbal. That means that body language speaks louder than words. Try to have your body language match your verbal messages.

Source: Sojourner-House Dating violence Program, sojourner-

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