The 5 Love Languages



The 5 Love Languages

Summaries of the languages will follow this outline:

-A list of some of the “dialects” of that love language

-A note on how personality differences affect a person’s ability to speak that language

-A note on a possible way to help develop your ability to speak that language

Although this is shared in Ch. 7 I have placed it here since it is important to remember:

(1) What we do before marriage is often not guaranteed to occur after.

(2) Love is a choice and cannot be coerced

(3) For mature lovers, a spouse’s criticisms give a primary clue to their love language, for that is where their deeper need resides.

Remember: do not neglect the other languages just because they may not be the primary way a person feels love!

Ch 1. All desire to “keep love alive”, yet we need to know how to speak each other’s love languages; there are basically five.

We mostly learn our primary from our parents, and may later develop a secondary one.

Spouses rarely have the same primary love language

(Author says learning the other’s love language is the key; I would have thought commitment would have been the key)

Throughout the book, solutions to developing a sensitivity to how to speak a different language is to make a concrete list of ways that one can show love in that different language.

Ch 2. Love is the distinguishing characteristic of God’s followers; we all need to be loved

“Love” is applied to many things and given as a reason for many actions

Unless our “love tank” is filled we will live feeling lonely and isolated, yet having filled is an elusive goal.

Ch 3. “Falling in love” (def: a genetically determined, instinctual mating behavior)

This phenomena is mostly based on physical characteristics and personality traits which initially attract us; then we seek to get to know the other person.

The response may or may not be reciprocated and so often efforts are redoubled to “win” the other over. It is often carried on by the illusion that the beloved is perfect (or closed enough). It averages lasting 2 years according to research, unless carried on in secret which can prolong it a little.

Often during this time we have a “false sense that our egocentric attitudes have been removed”.

This is not love because (1) it is not an act of the will or conscious choice, (2) it is effortless, and (3) it is a relationship where neither person is genuinely interested in fostering the personal growth of the other.

Our responses to knowing we committed to a relationship on the basis of “falling in love” can be (1) stay in and live a life of misery, (2) jump ship and try again, or (3) to cultivate real love though it requires effort and discipline.

Part of this effort is learning the other person’s love language.

Ch 4. Words of Affirmation

Build the other up! Forget nagging to get something done; it is unproductive.

There are many dialects of any love language. Here are a few:

(1) Compliments

(2) Encouraging words (ex: support untapped potential, help them take that 1st step by saying, I know, I care, I am with you, How can I help?)

(3) Kind words (though be careful that our non-verbal agrees with our words)

(4) Forgive and do not bring up yesterday

(5) Humble words (make requests, not demands; this creates the possibility for love to be expressed)

These can be spoken with the other person in front of others, or while the other is away; either still builds them up.

To learn: list a good number of things which you admire in another person and then practice by verbally expressing them to the other person.

Ch 5. Quality Time

Plan it if necessary; here are some dialects:

(1) Togetherness (this means focused attention, not just proximity)

(2) Quality conversation (where we are able to express thoughts, desires, and feelings in a friendly context; another note: sometimes especially men want to address problems and just present a solution, when she just wants sympathy and letting her know you understand)

(3) Listening for feelings

(4) Observing body language (these often give a clue to their feelings)

(5) Do not interrupt (we average just 17 seconds of listening before we interrupt)

(6) Learn to talk! To encourage “self revelation”: often many grow up where expressing their thoughts and feelings was not encouraged, but rather condemned, so they often end up denying the very existence of these feelings. They answer “How do you feel about ___?” with “I think __.”

To learn: Carry a pad around and ask what emotions have I felt in the last 3 hours. Then tell the other about your responses.

Personality types may influence how the time spent together plays out. (2 types listed)

(1) The “Dead Sea” who often receives but does not give much; often a good listener

(2) The “Babbling Brook” who often gives, but receives little; is often a good initiator

Often these two have a great date because of their strengths and weaknesses, but if not careful (1) will feel like they know too much about the other and never learn to express themselves and (2) will wake up one day and realize that they do not know the other and do not really know how to listen.

To learn: Establish a daily “sharing time” where each person shares what is going on.

(7) To fulfill the type of person who values quality time, do quality activities which satisfy three requirements: (a) At least one person wants to do it, (b) the other is willing to do it, and (c) both know why they are doing it: to express love for each other.

Ch 6. Receiving Gifts: these also express love

(1) Gifts are something to hold and say “they were thinking of me” and therefore are visual symbols of love.

(2) A gift may also be given of “presence”, especially in times of crisis or large changes.

A Personality Note: A “spender” may not have as much difficulty grabbing hold of this language as a “saver”; however it may help the “saver” to remember that in reality they are just purchasing self-worth and security. How much better then it would be to invest in one’s spouse! (I speak to myself)

To learn: give a good number of gifts and see what really excites them to help guide one in the future.

Ch 7. Acts of Service

Often the need for this may be expressed by someone saying “you used to help with everything”.

(1) Most people have a good idea of what these might include; mostly it is just seeing a need and meeting it. Therefore it will be different things at different times for different people.

Be careful that one does not become a doormat or treat another as a doormat; living while letting this occur is also not showing love.

Personality Note: be careful of what stereotyped roles you may have picked up from your parents as to what each person “should” do in a relationship and be willing to adjust to meet the other’s needs.

To learn: list out things which would have another feel that they had been loved if they were done.

Ch 8. Physical Touch

We know from babies that this is extremely important; it communicates hate or love much louder than words.

(1) Sexually in a marriage relationship. A note: men are often physically “pushed” by their bodies to have sex, while women are more often emotionally “pushed” to have sex

(2) Any other ways of touching: kissing, hugging, holding hands etc.

(3) In varied situations and places

Personality Note: Be careful of who initiates such physical contact and that touch is being both initiated as well as reciprocated.

To learn: explore what makes the other feel loved or what makes them feel uncomfortable, write down to remember as needed

Ch 9. To discover a person’s love language ask:

(1) Which could you seem to “live without”?

(2)What have you most often requested of another person?

(3) Examine what you do or say to express love

Discovering your love language may be difficult if your “love tank” has been full for a long time or empty for a long time. Therefore to get some other clues, you might go back to describing your “ideal mate”.

To continue to develop, might ask another for a “love tank” reading and a suggestion on how to fill it throughout a relationship.

Write down the five languages in order of most to least displayed in your life.

Ch 10. Love is a choice

We may not erase our past, but we are not bound to it either.

The “I don’t love you anymore” mindset allows us to think we have been given freedom to seek love elsewhere.

We need to know the difference between an “in love experience” and “emotional needs”

-One is just instinct, not premeditated, and may be euphoric because temporarily feels a “love tank” which may have gone unfilled for years

-The other is met by speaking with the others’ specific love language

-The media often twists the experience and the real need

Ch. 11 Love makes the difference

All need security, self-worth, and significance; to create a climate which reaffirms these is to love one another

Side note: both money and arguments can be a source of major hurt because they attack the needs above.

Ch. 12 Loving the unlovely

How is it possible to love someone you hate?

A pattern of demanding and condemning will destroy a relationship.

We must not use this knowledge to manipulate another person, but rather to help us initiate in their love language.

Love is not just a feeling, but also an action based on a committed decision.

We can often initiate in loving the other person, and often eventually they will begin to reciprocate. Take action steps to express and help start to feel their “love tank”. Often they will respond, but perhaps monthly ask for one specific thing and see if they will willingly respond.

Ch. 13 To children

Pour out all 5 early on.

Probably almost all sexual misconduct is due to an unfilled love tank.

Don’t just be sincere in your approach: meet their needs!

Words: As grow up encouragement often becomes condemnation so be careful!

Time: Be interested in what they are interested in, adapt to changing circumstances.

Gifts: Don’t spoil them, but give meaningfully and see what they do with your gifts

Service: Some take this for granted, but to some it really communicates love so do it!

Touch: Do they always hug you? Reciprocate!

Ch. 14 What now? What do you think?

For me:

-I am usually uncomfortable when being praised, although I really appreciate it when people speak into my life. Often words burn in my heart for quite a while after they have been said (ex: Chelsea’s “I feel safe” when I was driving, Sarah’s “I trust you/I appreciate your leadership”). Often I do not remember everything I hear so clearly, so I have been attempting to write things down. I also remember going to Kanakuk where they told us to really build those kids up. That experience told me that I have much improvement to do in this area. In general around young ladies especially I feel like to guard their hearts I have to be more quiet than complimentary, although I am gradually getting comfortable with trying to build them up.

-I originally thought my primary language was quality time since much of what I value is spending time with people, I love just doing things with people and much of what I desire in a mate is compatibility so we can enjoy being together. When this is missing I usually feel disappointed, but often I seem to be able to get by without it since I am an introvert.

-My mom says that initially I used to give gifts all the time and so she thought this might be my love language. Although I do like to receive gifts, in general I have not felt deprived or sorrowful if I did not get any really meaningful ones. I do really like giving people gifts which are characteristic of who they are and meaningful to them, however I do not seem to be really generous. I really think that I have become more selfish recently, thus diminishing how often I give and the time I put into giving.

-I usually do not like being served by others since I am exceedingly self-reliant. I am pretty sure that this is not my primary love language although I need to try to be more receptive to this type of love. I do think that I try to serve others when I see a need.

-I have no real idea about touch yet, but I am generally awkward at touching other people and certainly could not be considered a “touchy” person. I never even went past side hugging through all of High School! I am fairly certain that this is not my primary love language although it is not the bottom rung either; it just has not been developed.

I am not sure if I am suppressing some of my feelings to protect myself so I will not feel disappointed or if my “love tank” is actually full. Therefore I have a hard time determining what I feel is missing and/or what my primary love languages are. I will continue to be thinking about it though.

So I currently think this would be my list, although I am still really unsure of the numbers. Even as I look at it I feel very unsure just because so many of these seem undeveloped both in my application to love others, and in what I actually value! I think I will be praying that God shows me more of how to love others better in the near future.

1. Quality Time

2. Gifts

3. Words of Affirmation

4. Touch

5. Service

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