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Transcription_ImmersionWhen you leave land to enter the water one thing that seems to change more than anything- is pressure.Check your pressure gauge, spit into your mask (sound of spitting), adjust buoyancy compensator device, take a deep breath (breathe) The weight of your tank tilts backward as your heavy gear pulls you downward. The air of your buoyancy compensator squeezes your chest to keep you afloat. It’s hard to gain a sense of balance as the waves bob you up and down. You feel disoriented and you’re not really sure what’s happening.You don’t know it’s anxiety until someone tells you it’s anxiety. I felt anxious my whole life. It’s only when I went to a doctor and they said, “Oh yeah, you’re having panic attacks.” And I said, “Panic attacks?” That’s only for people with anxiety problems and I said, “Do I have anxiety problems?”I don’t know just something clicked in my mind that told me that I wasn’t worth being aroundI felt almost marked, like I had mental problems. I was like no that’s only for people in the movies. Only those messed up people have problems.Diving for me is a way to escape the depression and anxiety I once felt. I’m searching for answers from the people I trust the most – my friends. I want to know if they’ve ever felt that pressure, that feeling like they’ll never rise to the surface again. It felt so scary to think that I would always be this lonely and depressed shell of a human being and I felt completely alone in that because I looked out at my friends and they to be like they were conquering the world and I felt like I couldn’t handle a thing, I wasn’t who I wanted to be all of a sudden and that scared me, it wasn’t just scared at the movies kind of scared, it was this is shaking the core of my being scared.Even though you’re surrounded by other divers, it feels like it’s just you and your regulator. You look around at those people who all seem to be doing just fine. No one else looks worried or scared. I used to think I was the only person who could feel that isolation. I thought, “How did I get myself into this situation?” “Maybe I’m doing something wrong?” “How do I get out of this?”So that’s when I knew I had to leave, school was way too big of an obstacle for me to handle and when things get like that sometimes its best to just step back, and so I mustered up the courage to tell my dad I needed to come home The deeper you dive, the less control you have over yourself. Your breathing is shallow, your ears begin to pop, your mask squeezes your face, your body is compressed.Reaching the bottom means you’ve descended to the point of highest pressure.Sometimes it feels like I’ve sunk so deep into depression, that I’ll never be able come out. And the night came, when I was just drunk as hell, just went out to the woods, just found a place and I just broke down and I finally just cried, and just my entire body was shaking, my eyes, and just I was hyperventilating, I was crying so much, and just throwing things I could find and just punching trees and just cutting up my knuckles, and just having so much rage and so much emotion that I had just been blocking and building up and just drowning out and just letting it all just finally erupt out of me and just become something and let it manifest and finally just let it go, finally got back to my house, and l looked around at where I was living, grabbed my mirror, threw it across my room, flipped my bed, destroyed my desk just started punching the wall, punching the wall, put my phone, chucked it through the wall and just destroyed everything I had to ruin the perfect image I saw in the mirror and I had to make myself look how I felt and so remembering how getting my tattoo felt and remembering how good it felt to be able to just feel pain that wasn’t emotional pain, I decided to start cutting myself. There are lots of ways you can experience a dive, but the best is when you rise above the surface and all you want is to go back down to the bottom again. Depression isn’t like that – you go down, sometimes really far down, and if you can find the strength to come up for air… you don’t ever wanna be below the surface again. When I made that phone call to him telling him I needed to come home, he didn’t really say much, he just said okay ill be there in three hours and he came and picked me up and despite feeling so weak, I felt so glad I had someone that I could - someone that could help me, and when I got in the car, he just looked at me and said it’s gonna be okay, and I knew he was right I know I’m gonna wake up some mornings and it’s just gonna suck, but I don’t wanna hurt myself anymore.PP As I hover over vibrant, purple coral, something brushes against my fin. I turn around to see a green sea turtle. He’s floating in front of me, gliding in the still water. As he swims toward me, I reach my hand out to pet its cracked shell.I take a deep inhale and start to rise slowly. (a few deep in/exhales) ................
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