A GUY’S GUIDE TO MARRYING WELL

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A GUY'S GUIDE TO

MARRYING WELL

Marrying Well is Becoming a Lost Art

Most men hope to marry some day, but there's no guarantee they will. Increasingly, young men are-- as one writer put it--"stumbling on to the altar as if by accident."

Too many guys make their way into their twenties and thirties without the marriage modeling and insights that were once easy

to find from dads, coaches, teachers, mentors and Christian leaders. When they do find advice about relationships, it's often spectacularly bad.

The simple purpose of this booklet is

to present a path that is as Biblical as possible

in order to help you marry well. But not just so that you can experience all the happiness, health and wealth that guys who marry well enjoy, but so that your marriage can point to God's glory and His greater purposes.

This guide is based on a few timeless concepts--intentionality, purity, Christian compatibility and community--that we rarely encounter in popular culture but are a proven path to marrying well.

May God bless the time you spend with this booklet and help you apply His design in your life.

Steve Watters Director of Boundless Webzine, Focus on the Family

The content of this booklet is excerpted from articles on Boundless Webzine. To read the full version of those articles and to find more material related to marrying well, please visit guys

SECTION ONE

intentionality

A Guy's Guide To Marr ying Well

Intentionality

Marriage: More Than Just a Lifestyle

Option

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A ccording to the Bible, marriage a mere human invention -- an is not primarily about our self- option for those who choose such

esteem and personal fulfillment, a high level of commitment -- for

nor is it just one lifestyle option it is an arena in which God's glory

among others. The Bible is clear is displayed in the right ordering of

in presenting a picture of marriage the man and the woman, and their

that is rooted in the glory of God made evident in creation itself. The man and the woman are made for each other and the institution of marriage is given to humanity as

From Genesis to Revelation, the Bible assumes that marriage is

both opportunity and obligation. normative for

From Genesis to Revelation, human beings.

the Bible assumes that marriage

is normative for human beings.

The responsibilities, duties, and

joys of marriage are presented as glad reception of all that marriage

matters of spiritual significance. means, gives, and requires.

From a Christian perspective,

Albert Mohler, Jr.

marriage must never be seen as

W W W. B O U N D L E S S. O R G / G U Y S

Get Married

thing. The favor from the Lord part shows that, yes, God is the One who ultimately gives the wife, but it is still our job as men to be

Young

proactive in the finding process. There's nothing unspiritual about

Man

wanting marriage. Marriage is an important, normal, sanctifying,

biblical aspect of adulthood. It

provides protection from sexual

I 've known many single guys who sin, companionship, and the think, "I'm a Christian. I love God. privilege to procreate and give back

I currently don't have a wife. If God the gift of life.

wants me to marry someone, He'll Just as it's not necessarily sinful

make that explicitly clear. For me to be discontent and take action if

to get proactive in the process is to you're unemployed or hungry, God 0

imply that I don't trust God to make has wired most of us with a longing it happen. And seeking a wife seems for the sexual and emotional 0

less spiritual than taking on another intimacy of marriage.

7

ministry responsibility. After all, I'm Yes, our ultimate and primary

single. I really should commit all my satisfaction must be in God, and

time to God, and not be distracted His purposes can shine forth in our

with thinking about girls."

lives regardless of our marital state.

The problem with this line of

thinking is that not every man who

has the status of singleness is gifted

for singleness. God requires all

singles to be celibate until marriage

(to abstain from sexual expression

in thought and deed), but because

most singles aren't gifted for

lifelong celibacy, most should seek

to marry.

The Scriptures say, "He who

finds a wife finds a good thing and Nevertheless, if you're not gifted

obtains favor from the Lord" (Prov. for singleness, go ahead and seek

18:22). So the man is said to "find" a wife. You'll be more valuable for

a wife, and that a wife is a good the Kingdom continued on page 8

A GUY'S GUIDE TO MARRYING WELL

Intentionality

of God as a sanctified husband and sacred institution, less free to seize

father than as a single repeatedly some opportunities for ministry

getting tripped up with the sexual that would be open to one who is

or emotional struggles common to unmarried.

singleness.

Paul celebrates the gift of

Marriage won't solve all your celibacy for Christian service, but

problems. But your life will he says nothing about those who

generally reflect a deeper maturity simply would choose singleness

and winsomeness that will open as a lifestyle option. His concern

doors for relationships and was to see the Gospel preached

ministry. Know that God's grace throughout the world, even as the

will be with you as you step out moral reputation of the Corinthian

in faith.

congregation was restored on

Alex Chediak matters of marriage and sexuality.

0 Are You

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Called to

Furthermore, Paul speaks very specifically about the sexual aspect of marriage and instructs, "it is better to marry than to burn with passion" (1 Cor. 7:9, NASB). I

Celibacy?

appreciate Paul's apostolic candor. He did not condemn sexual desire

and sexual passion, but he directed

the Corinthians -- and us -- to

T here is one significant marriage as the proper arena for qualification about marriage such passion to be expressed.

found in the Scriptures. In 1 With all this in view, it would seem

Corinthians chapter seven, the that the Bible offers two specific

Apostle Paul writes specifically teachings about marriage that should

about the gift of celibacy, offering frame our understanding and our

a clear teaching for those who are engagement in the current debate.

given this special gift in order to First, marriage is presented as

be liberated for strategic Gospel a sacred institution, a covenant

service. Paul's point is clear. The made between the man and the

obligations that are part and woman before their Creator, and

parcel of marriage are a matter an arena in which the glory of God

of deep spiritual responsibility. is demonstrated to the watching

A Christian who is married is, world through the goodness of the

under the obligations of that marital relationship, the one-flesh

W W W. B O U N D L E S S. O R G / G U Y S

character of the marital bond, the pattern, and is acknowledged by

holiness of marital sex, and the Paul in numerous passages dealing

completeness that comes with the with husbands and wives, parents

gift of children.

and children, and qualifications

Second, the Bible presents for church leaders. Celibacy is a

celibacy as a gift -- apparently a wonderful gift -- a gift the whole

rare gift -- that is granted to some church should celebrate -- but it is

believers in order that they would a rare gift.

be liberated for special service in The extension of a "boy culture"

Christ's name. Paul's discussion into the 20s and 30s, along with a

of celibacy indicates that this sense of uncertainty about the true

gift is marked by the absence nature of male leadership, has led

of lust and sexual desire that many young men to focus on career,

would compromise or complicate friends, sports, and any number

ministry as an unmarried person. of other satisfactions when they

Accordingly, those who have been should be preparing themselves for 0

given the gift of celibacy find in marriage and taking responsibility Christ the satisfactions others are to grow up, be the man, and show 0

given through marriage.

God's glory as husband and father. 9

Paul privileges this gift of I am not calling for high school

celibacy, stating that he would students to marry, and I am

have many of the Corinthians certainly not suggesting that

demonstrate this gift and "remain believers of any age should marry

even as I" (1 Cor. 7:8). Yet, most thoughtlessly, carelessly, and

the Bible presents celibacy as a gift -- apparently a rare gift -- that is granted to some believers in order that they would be liberated for special service in Christ's name.

Christians in every age have been married -- not celibate. Marriage has represented the norm for adult Christians in every generation since the time of Paul's writing. This is consistent with the purposes of marriage as laid out in the biblical

without sound spiritual judgment. But I am most emphatically arguing that this delay of marriage now presents the church with a critical test: We will either recover a full and comprehensive biblical vision of marriage continued on page 10

A GUY'S GUIDE TO MARRYING WELL

Intentionality

in all of its glory, or we will soon find believers so accommodated to the culture around us that all we seek in our marriages is to do marginally better than what we see in the world.

Albert Mohler Jr.

Men Initiate

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A mong the different roles two people? assigned to men and women First, the man should initiate

in the Bible, men are assigned the asking the woman out. Whether 1 role of leadership. This is true in this means approaching the

0 the church and in the family. This woman herself or her father or

is not a signal of male superiority someone filling that role instead of

or of the greater importance of her father, it should be the guy that

men. It is simply God's design and starts things off. He should not do

assignment of equally valuable roles this until he is "ready" to marry. If

among spiritually equal beings. you're not ready to marry, you're

Men initiate, women respond. not ready to date.

Briefly, biblical support for this As a quick aside, if you are a

position is found, among other single man and you would not

passages, in the creation order in describe yourself as ready to be

Genesis 2, in 1 Corinthians 11: married within a year, think about

7-9, and Ephesians 5. True, these why that is. I mention this for two

passages refer to marriage, but it is reasons: (1) Scripture seems not

wise and right to set patterns that just to encourage, but to assume

will serve you well in marriage, that part of the growth into biblical

especially if one accepts the manhood is to seek marriage, so

premise that the purpose of dating this is a biblical goal; and (2) easily

is to find a marriage partner.

the biggest complaint that I and

What does this actually look like others who advocate this approach

in a budding relationship between get from godly Christian women is

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that men don't initiate. If you are floating around staying

single because you enjoy social flexibility or having time to yourself or hanging out with the guys or because you have worldly ideas

real men risk rejection

about the perfect woman or how

to approach marriage, consider:

M Are you approaching manhood and

marriage biblically? Every male

any people think that for guys, being a Christian means

who is out of college should have at giving up being a man. Nothing

least thought this through.

could be further from the truth. God

Once he determines he is ready to created us as men to lead and take

be married generally, and once he the initiative. continued on page 12

has found a particular woman he is

interested in pursuing, our single

0

Initiation

man's next step is to "put some

1

means

feelers out." He

initiation. It should talk to some

1

means that of her friends,

you as the see if she's been

man take asking about him,

the first step, risk and all.

have one or two subtly suggestive conversations with her to see if

she gives anything

away.... NO! This

is not initiation. Initiation is not

manipulating the situation so that

while you're officially "asking her out"

there's no actual risk of rejection or

embarrassment.

Initiation means initiation. It

means that you as the man take the

first step, risk and all.

Scott Croft

A GUY'S GUIDE TO MARRYING WELL

Intentionality

And that means taking risks.

being rejected. And then the only

But there's no way I'll ever take way you'll be able to step up and

a real risk as long as my sense of lead as the man God made you to

worth is tied up in what others be, is if your trust is in God, not in

think of me. And that includes a the outcome of the conversation.

girlfriend, or even a wife. It's only Some of you men are thinking at

as I put my trust in God and his this point, "Wait a minute. Are you

unconditional acceptance of me saying that all the risk is mine?" Yes

through the atoning death of Jesus I am. "Doesn't that mean that she

Christ that I can ever take up God's can just tell me `no' and leave me

calling to be a leader. It's only when twisting in the wind?" Yes it does.

I'm confident of God's love for Welcome to leadership. Welcome

me that I can stop manipulating the woman I'm interested in, and instead love and honor her

Guys, the woman you marry is going

0

by shouldering the risks of the to depend on you

relationship myself.

to lead her. She's

1

Guys, the woman you marry is going to look to

2 going to depend on you to lead her. you to sacrifice your

She's going to look to you to sacrifice your own comfort and convenience for the sake of the family. She's going to look to you to back her up

own comfort and convenience for the sake of the family.

when your future teenage children,

or the in-laws, come down on her.

She's going to look to you to set to trusting God. Welcome to being a

the pace spiritually. She's going to man. Your cards belong on the table.

look to you for leadership when Your intentions and your feelings--

hard decisions about career, or to the extent that you can discern

parenting, or aging parents, or them and it is appropriate for you

any of a host of other issues arise. to share them--should be clear. Part

She's going to look to you to set the of your role even at this early stage

example in admitting when you're is to protect the woman of your

wrong and asking for forgiveness. interest from unnecessary risk and

In all of those situations, you're vulnerability by providing a safe

going to feel the fear again. The fear context in which she can respond.

of making a wrong decision. The

Michael Lawrence

fear of being exposed. The fear of

W W W. B O U N D L E S S. O R G / G U Y S

Don't Stay Stuck in a Friendship

I ntimate friendships between of relationships, one of the men and women almost always parties involved either began the

produce confusion and frustration "friendship" with romantic feelings

for at least one of the parties for the other person or develops

involved. Close friendships by them along the way. Either way,

their very nature tend to involve that person is now hanging on to

extensive time talking and hanging the "friendship" in the hope of

out one-on-one. They tend to getting something more despite

involve a deep knowledge of the the "clear words" from the other

other person's hopes, desires and person that he or she wants 0

personality. They tend to involve nothing beyond friendship. the sharing of many aspects of each To the extent that one person's 1

other's daily lives and routines. In romantic feelings have been clearly 3

other words, they tend to involve articulated to the other (and were

much of the type of intimacy and met with an unfavorable response),

companionship involved in -- and to continue in some no-man's land

meant for -- marriage.

of "good friends," is arguably to take

And yet, even with all this deep selfish advantage of the vulnerable

communication going on, at least party. Yes, I know, the other person is

one aspect of these friendships an adult who is free and responsible

inherently involves a mixed to walk away if he or she is so

message. No matter how clearly one unsatisfied, but like it or not, it tends

or both of you have defined what's not to work that way. Hope springs

happening as "just friends," your eternal, whether it should or not.

actions are constantly saying "I enjoy And that's the "clear" scenario.

being with you and interacting with What if one person develops

you in a way that suggests marriage romantic feelings in a friendship

(or at least romantic attraction)." in which no "clear words" have

The simple reality (of which been spoken, such that the desires

most people are aware, whether of the other person are a mystery?

they admit it or not) is that in Especially if it's the woman in this

the vast majority of these types position (as continued on page 14

A GUY'S GUIDE TO MARRYING WELL

Intentionality

seems to be the case more often "between a rock and a hard place"

0 than not), she will likely feel that in the same way a woman is.

if she pushes for something more Finally, there's one more type 1 than friendship, she may lose the of confusion to consider. How

4 interaction and companionship she do others view your "friendship.

currently has. Still, given her desire Guys, has a woman perhaps turned

for a husband -- and perhaps you down over questions about

to have this man as her husband a woman friend you spend lots

-- the status quo of "just really of time with? Would you want to

good friends but nothing more date someone knowing that he or

for some odd reason" will leave she had a significant, pre-existing,

her unsatisfied, frustrated, and and ongoing emotional bond with

confused. I have seen and heard another single member of the

and read of such frustration and opposite sex?

hurt playing out many times over.

Why risk harm to your own heart or

Certainly, a man can find to that of a brother or sister in order

himself in a similar position with to have a type of companionship

a woman he's attracted to, but that, outside of marriage, is arguably

given his obligation to be clear and questionable anyway?

intentional with the woman and So am I saying that I'm against

to initiate the type of relationship the idea of relationships growing

he truly desires, he arguably has out of Christian friendship? Am

placed -- or at least kept -- himself I saying that friendship among

in such a position. He simply is not single brothers and sisters has

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no place? Am I saying that single however, these activities should be

men and women need to shun one done, for the most part, in groups

another, speaking only to utter the rather than one-on-one. Men can

words "will you date me," followed initiate group get-togethers, and so

by "yes" or "no"? Absolutely not. can women. In fact, single brothers

In fact, I would argue that dating and sisters in Christ, like the rest

or courting relationships ideally of Christ's body, are positively

grow out of friendship among co- called to care for one another. Men

laborers in the gospel. The question can (and should) give women rides

is what those friendships look like home rather than have them walk

practically.

alone at night. Men can come over

Would you want to date someone knowing that he or

and move couches. Women can cook a meal for a group of guys in danger of developing scurvy from a near total lack of vegetables. Knock

she had a significant, yourselves out.

0

pre-existing, and ongoing emotional bond with another single member of the opposite sex?

Friendships grow out of the body of Christ functioning and, in turn, 1 result in interests beyond friendship. 5 To be sure, the friendships that develop in this context are not the same friendships with the same

level of intimacy that would develop

from spending consistent time alone

I Timothy 5 describes a with someone, but they provide a

relationship among Christian men context from which initiations and

and women not married to one relationships can bloom. Remember,

another as that of brothers and the world has falsely told us that a

sisters. The Lord has mercifully high level of intimacy with another

called us not to live the Christian person needs to precede any sort of

life alone but as part of a commitment to another person.

community of believers. Single Is there a precise formula for

men and women can and should whether a friendship or series

serve in ministry together, study of interactions is too intimate?

the word together, and hang out If there is, I don't know it. Hang

together socially. They should out in groups; serve together. By

go out together, gather around all means, chat and be friendly

meals, watch movies. In my view, with your continued on page 16

A GUY'S GUIDE TO MARRYING WELL

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