Attraction: Why we like the ones we like
Attraction: Why We Like The Ones We Like
Melissa Jamerson
University of Missouri
Abstract
Many of us do not understand why we are attracted to certain types of people. We think it’s the way they look, or how they talk to us or make us feel. However, there are many more traits that can affect how and why we are attracted to these certain types of people. For example, you may be subconsciously attracted to your guy’s smell of his sweat. Or you could find his jaw line irresistible. There are many things that can attract you to a certain person. There isn’t a wrong or right type of person. But, there are certain traits that can attract you personally more than others. In the following paper, I will address these rules of attraction to help you understand how your attraction level works. I will also teach you some techniques that you can use to become more attractive to the opposite sex. With research by many scientists, we will look at how the level of attraction affects a relationship, how different voice levels can affect the attraction, the three types of attraction: physical, social, and task, and how we communicate with those we find attractive. By the end of this article, you will feel more attractive, understand your relationship history better, and be able to find a long-lasting relationship with a best friend that you find attractive.
Keywords: attraction, physical, social, task, relationship
Many people question why they are attracted to the people they are attracted to. It has been a social and psychological phenomenon for decades. Some say they have a certain “type” they always go for. However, there aren’t certain “types”, but rather certain characteristics that attract a person to another person. It can range from their physical appearance such as hair color, to the smell of their sweat. Sometimes you may say you are looking for the wrong people, however, this can sometimes mean you are just trying to avoid the case. I plan on elaborating on the many characteristics of the rules of attraction within interpersonal communication by going over the 3 types of attraction: physical, social, and task and understanding the conflict of attraction with cross-sex friendships.
Physical Attraction
In a recent article, Barelds and Dijkstra (2008) found that, “physical attractiveness is such a valuable characteristic because it reflects fertility (in women), dominance (in men), and health (in both sexes) attributes that contribute to individuals’ chances of survival and reproduction”. Physical attraction is a major component in being drawn to certain individuals. Women look for men with broad shoulders and a strong jaw line to show their masculinity and strength. Men look for women with small waists and large hips to show that they will be able to take care of children. It goes back to the ancient times during evolution. We are all mammals and these certain attractions are animal instincts. Now, we do not act as animals per say.
Similarity is a major theme as well, within physical attraction. Have you ever noticed a couple and think they look alike or that they could be brothers? This is due to similarity within interpersonal relationships. People tend to communicate with others that they perceive are at the same level of attraction as they, themselves are. It is possible that you have a low self-esteem and do not see yourself as attractive. There in lies a possible conflict. You are communicating with people that aren’t really similar to you at all. For example, the similarity attraction theory states suggest that, “impression formation demonstrates that people use appearance (visually perceived cues) to obtain information about a target person’s personality or behavioral characteristics (Park, Lennon 2008). Therefore, you may be physically attracted to the wrong person, but in reality you are coming to conclusions about his personality before even getting to know him. Thus, you are having a hard time finding a successful relationship because you are pre-judging.
Social Attraction
Social attraction is also affecting your ability to find the right mate. Cross-sex friendships usually have a lot of social attraction, but not much sexual attraction. We are socially attracted to individuals who we feel we have stable interaction patterns (Montoya, Horton, Kirchner 2008). You can be very attracted to your friends of the opposite sex. This is why you are friends. You can communicate with them, spend time with him, and talk to them. However, a romantic relationship is hard to consider if there is no physical attraction. Many people find cross-sex friendships difficult because there is such a thin line between friends of the opposite sex. You can walk down the street and see a male and female together and your first initial thought is that they are involved romantically.
If you do not have a relational attraction, a romantic relationship would be hard to communicate. However, sometimes, in accordance with the action appearance theory, a cross-sex friendship can lead to a romantic relationship because you have such warm interactions with your friend. The theory suggests that people tend to view others as more attractive if they have positive, comfortable interactions with them. You and your friend could get along really well. The more comfortable you both get, the more attracted you will become. Physical attraction can also grow from this.
More than just physical attraction, being social ties into being attractive. In a study by Hughes, Farley, and Rhodes (2010), they hypothesized that males lower their pitch in voice to and females increase their pitch to seem more attractive. However, they found that both sexes actually lower their voices when wanting to seem more attractive. This is interesting because even though it is a physical attraction, it is still considered communication. Even though most consider physical attraction as the strongest type of attraction, it really isn’t much stronger than social. McCroskey (1988) found, in a study of the dimensions of attraction, that out of 49%, 18% was attraction and 17% was social. Therefore, they both have a significant impact on a relationship.
Task Attraction
Task attraction is a little different. There does not need to be a physical attraction or friendship. In task attraction, there has to be similarity. For example, people tend to be attracted to those that have a similar personal characteristics in first impression situations (Lennon, 2008). You will feel that you and the opposite person have similar personal characteristics and attitudes which will allow you to be able to complete tasks together at the same pace. Usually, those that you are task attracted to are hard working, loyal, and intelligent. Many people forget of this attraction or ignore it because they do not find it important. However, it is important because it can give you and your partner self-worth.
Having task attraction can also help with maintaining a long lasting relationship. Task attraction gives you the ability to base your love off of goals to reach, not just physical attraction. Barelds and Dijkstra (2009) found that, “as people grow older, self-ratings of facial attractiveness get significantly lower”. Physical attraction may fade away, however, task attraction has a better chance of lasting in the long run as long as new goals keep blooming.
Maintaining a Level of Attraction
You may have a hard time maintaining a relationship because your attraction level loses it spark. People complain of getting bored in relationships and begin to fight. Many of these problems are due to only obtaining one dimension of attraction. The ideal relationship will have all three dimensions: physical, social, and task. However, it is the ideal for a reason. Obtaining these attractions isn’t something you can work hard at. A lot of these attractions are just there.
Physical attraction can help maintain a long-term relationship because, “partners enhance their sense of security, overstate the case of commitment, and derogate alternative partners, thus stabilizing their long-term bond”(Barelds, Dijkstra 2009). On the other hand, physical attraction can lead to distractions. Physical attraction exists a lot because it is on the outside. You do not have to necessarily talk to a person to be physically attracted to them. This can be a distraction because you may have a partner, but you are physically attracted to someone else. Availability of attractive alternatives can reduce relationship dependency and commitment and increase the risk of conflict and break-up (Lydon, Menzie-Toman, Burton, Bell 2008). The media has found that this is the reason why there are so many celebrity relationships going back and forth. They have more attractive alternatives available to them. This can be a problem for maintaining a healthy relationship. If the relationship is purely physical, it is more likely that if you find someone else physical attractive, you will look towards them. However, if your relationship includes social and task attraction, that is less likely to happen.
Social attraction is important in maintaining a long lasting relationship. If you look at your relationships with your friends, they tend to be longer than your relationships with your romantic partners. This is because social attraction is easy-going. Combined with physical attraction, social attraction can lead to a long-term commitment because you have a deeper bond.
The deepest bond comes when you add physical and social attraction with task attraction. Not only do you both have a deep bond based on physical attraction and spending time with each other, but you are also focused on goals and the tasks at hand. Being able to complete a task with your partner at your side is rewarding to both sides. One, you feel good that you had someone there for you, and your partner feels good that he was able to help you.
According to McCroskey (1988), attraction is multidimensional. There isn’t one type of attraction. However, it would do a romantic relationship well if all three dimensions existed within the relationship. The physical attraction may exist, however, communication is key in relationships and that is where the social and task attraction can make a relationship forever.
Resources
Barelds, D. P., Dijkstra, P. (2009). Positive illusions about a partner’s physical attractiveness and relationship quality. Personal Relationships, 16 (2), 263-283.
Halatsis, P., Christakis, N. (2009). The challenge of sexual attraction within heterosexuals’ cross-sex friendship. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 26 (6-7), 919-937.
Hughes, S. M., Farley, S. D., Rhodes, B. C. (2010). Vocal and physiological changes in response to the physical attractiveness of conversational partners. Journal of Nonverbal Behavior, 34 (3), 155-167.
Lydon, J. E., Toman-Menzies, D., Burton, K., Bell, C. (2008). If-thens and the availability alternative. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 95 (1), 50-65.
McCroskey, J. C., & McCain, T. A. (1988). The measurement of interpersonal attraction. Retrieved from:
Montoya, R. M., Horton, R. S., Kirchner, J. (2008). Is actual similarity necessary for attraction? A meta-analysis of actual and perceived similarity. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 25 (6), 889-922.
Nass, C., Lee, K. M. (2001). Does computer-synthesized speech manifest personality? Experimental tests of recognition, similarity-attraction, and consistency-attraction. Journal of Experimental psychology: Applied, 7 (3), 171-181.
Park, H., Lennon, S. J., (2008). Beyond physical attractiveness: interpersonal attraction as a function of similarities in personal characteristics. Clothing and Textiles Research Journal. 26 (4), 275-289.
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