UPenn “Why School” Essay e.com

UPenn "Why School" Essay

The following is a real student essay, which went through CollegeVine's Rapid Essay Review editing process. Our specialists provide detailed, in-line feedback and suggestions that our students are able to accept as they work on their essays. We received permission from the student to share this essay as a writing example to help others improve. We modified the essay from the format in which it was returned to the student in order to remove any personally identifiable information, and to optimize it for your reading in a PDF document.

When I was a child, my parents I never needed to buy me toys. As long as I had some paper, crayons, and my imagination, I was ready to think up a store poster design for my new business, expanding my empire. Walking on my parents' backs at "Megan's Spa" and selling origami earrings to my friends at "Megan's Jewelers" were just a few examples of my adventurous start-ups. My adventurous startups included "Megan's Spa," where I would walk on my parents' backs, and "Megan's Jewelers," where I sold origami earrings to my friends. I've always loved learning about running businesses. (1)

As I grew older, my interests extended expanded to encompass another field: medicine. After discovering my fascination with finding human diseases especially fascinating in biology class,( 2) I volunteered began volunteering in at a local clinic. There, I realized how important c rucial and powerful a humanistic lens was i s in the seemingly science-centered centric field arena of healthcare.

One day, while the nurse was administering back injections, she asked me to hold Ms. Hamilton's a patient's (3) hand to help soothe her. As I held her hand As she trembled from the injections In doing so, I began to see just how much difficulty patients underwent endured, from their medical

(1) You haven't described learning in this paragraph--you've described exploring, or experimenting, or even playing. As such, your choice of participle ("learning") doesn't really fit at the end of this paragraph. You should swap "learning" for something more tailored to the depiction you've just given. For example, "exploring running a business" or "experimenting with running a business."

(2) This construction was a little awkward. I've proposed one way to rephrase it, but you should consider altering the fundamental structure to add more details and "show more and tell less." For example, you could describe the specific moment in class when you learned about a specific disease that fascinated you. This could go something like: "One day in the fall of my freshman year, I found myself staring at the image of mutating cells on my classroom's projector; this fascination with human diseases led me to volunteer at a local clinic." (I've just picked a random thing that could have fascinated you--you should obviously rewrite this in keeping with your actual experience.)

(3) While I like the touch of including the patient's name, you haven't actually indicated to the reader that this person IS the patient. While they SHOULD be able to infer this from context, it would

issues to the and even treatments.(4) , and I wanted to lessen their pain somehow.

As I volunteered more, I also started to pick up on observe inefficiencies in the clinic, like wait times and insurance limitations. From observing Experiencing these shortcomings and attending "lunch-and-learns," where staff taught the hospital's patient- and family-centered care philosophy, I saw showed me that I could be p rovide a comforting touch for every patient through healthcare administration by ensuring that the road to recovery ran smoothly.(5)

Consequently, With this in mind, I immersed myself in the medical field medicine to see how

different aspects of the healthcare system worked and where improvement could be made. assess areas for improvements. Volunteering with Cl?nica Latina, I became familiar with w itnessed the health care issues that arose because of from

cultural and linguistic barriers. Many patients only

spoke Spanish, and their socioeconomic statuses

meant the clinic had to be free in order to be useful.

(6)

While

many

see

these

circumstances

as

inevitable,

I see them merely as surmountable obstacles to be

overcome.

be preferable to specify it. Furthermore, there might be some ethics/ confidentiality concerns about disclosing a patient's name (though realistically no one is going to pursue this, it might reflect poorly on your understanding of medical ethics). For these reasons, I would recommend just swapping "Ms. Hamilton's" out for "the patient's."

(4) Can you make this more "in the moment"? You seem to have jumped from a specific example to a general statement about your experience, and it's a little jarring. I think it would be more effective to continue with the specific example. Try and "show not tell here." Describe HOW the patient reacted to SHOW the reader what she endured.

(5) This is not actually achievable ? perhaps this can be more about caring for their emotional state along the way so that they are as comfortable as possible

(6) Again, this would be a great place to SHOW more and TELL less. Is there a specific interaction you can describe to exemplify this? See my notes below for more on "showing not telling."

The essay continues on the following page.

At the UPenn's College of Arts and Sciences, I want

to continue identifying and solving healthcare inequalities through the as a Health and Societies major. The program's heavy emphasis on the interactions of areas like between sociology, and history, with and healthcare will contribute to my

expanded expand my perception u nderstanding of which healthcare policy improvements are socially just and empirically verified s upported. Through courses like "Social Epidemiology,", I'll be able to examine the roles demographic factors play in heightening health risks, similar to what along the lines of what I've observed in a t Cl?nica Latina. Another course I'm looking forward to taking is "Medical Missionaries and Partners,", in which I'll explore the best ways of structuring healthcare

programs in underserved regions, something I hope to do in the future.(7)

Moreover, being able the ability to take classes at Wharton as with a Biological Basis of Behavior and Health Services Management minor will help me

achieve my career goal of becoming an effective healthcare administrator and policy advocate. For instance, courses Offerings like "Health Care Entrepreneurship" will familiarize me with the different various aspects and challenges involved in of starting and running healthcare organizations. Through other courses like "Health Care Systems,", I'll examine--and later improve--current partisan policy approaches to healthcare.(8)

Outside the classroom, I want to become a Puentes de Salud volunteer, through which I can improve which will allow me to address healthcare inequalities in my immediate community. By Working with the organization's different branches, like Puentes Hacia el Futuro that deals with K-8 education, I'll be able to put forth utilize my experiences, from teaching children through to S.T.E.M. Society,(9) to remedy ameliorating the educational determinants of health inequalities. Beyond Philadelphia, I'll meaningfully have an impact through countries like Kenya though the

have the chance to have an impact

(7) Great use of specific examples and detailed integration of your own goals here!

(8) You mention a lot of courses in both this and the previous paragraphs. While this is a good idea, it's even better if you can add variation to your examples. Can you talk about OTHER aspects of the Biological Basis of Behavior and Health Services Management minor that will prepare you for your career goals? If you want you can keep one course here, but try and also bring up a research program, curriculum element, or other aspect of the minor that excites you. (9) Are these experiences you've already had? Or things you plan to do in college? You shouldn't assume that the reader will remember everything on your resume or in your activities section.

internationally through UPenn's (10) Lwala Community Alliance in Kenya a s a GlobeMed volunteer. There, I'm I'd be excited to have the opportunity to translate deploy what I've learned in the classroom into developing f or the development of long lasting projects that improve the health of the Lwala community as a Grassroots Onsite Work intern.(11)

With the experiences I gain at the University of Pennsylvania, I hope to remedy injustices in domestic and global healthcare systems. And as a healthcare administrator and policy advocate, I'll eventually color a new sign that says, "Megan's Medicine."(12)

Essays are read incredibly quickly, and often admissions readers won't cross reference--at least not on the first read-through. As such, you should clarify the context of these experiences.

(10) The negotiation between general ("other countries") and specific (you're only talking about Kenya) didn't quite work here. I've restructured to get rid of this dissonance.

(11) You say both "as a GlobeMed volunteer" and, at the end of this section, "as a Grassroots Onsite Work intern." Are you one or the other? Or both? Try and clarify this by either eliminating one of the "as a..." phrases that you have here, or by combining them.

(12) I like this ending. Great way to tie it all up!

Editor's Notes

Hi there,

Overall, I love the start that you've made to this essay. The overall topic and theme are strong, but there are specific areas where you can tighten up the details and the presentation of your story while also maximizing the quality of the writing. In particular, I do think that your writing could stand to be more descriptive as some of the moments you've spent in the clinic are robbed of their emotional resonance. This is where showing and not telling can be really helpful.

Accordingly, most of my edits are in-text. In particular, I've found that your writing can be a little repetitive, your diction needs a bit more variation, and that your sentences can sometimes be a little wordy or convoluted. Please review in in-text comments and suggestions (and the comments that are attached TO suggestions) carefully.

Beyond these nitty-gritty edits, I do have two higher-level comments. The first has to do with the first part of your essay, where you set up the background/growth of your academic interests, it would be more effective if you could employ more showing and less telling. Here's a mini example of what this means: this is the difference between saying, "I

could feel tears forming in my eyes" (showing) and "I was sad" (telling). "Showing" means using examples, detailed narrative, or compelling personal descriptions of a "moment" to demonstrate a point; "telling" means just stating what happened. Both convey roughly the same information, but one--the "showing" version--is much more vivid, engaging, original, and personal. See my in-text comments for more on the specific places where you could do this!

My second higher-level comment has to do with the second part of your essay, where you discuss what UPenn has to offer. While that section is strong, and uses great examples, it would be even stronger if you diversified your discussion of UPenn's academic resources. You mostly talk about courses; however, UPenn's schools also offer research and internship programs, amazing faculty, carefully-designed curricula, and various seminars and presentations. Take some time to research the offerings of your intended programs in a little more detail and see if you can swap out one or two of your class examples for another kind of resource.

Especially once you implement the suggestions above, this will be an awesome essay. The story of how you steadily grew into your interest in medicine is very authentic, and the specific examples are a great contrast to the typical science driven essay about medicine. You also do a great job of making specific claims as to why you want to attend UPenn in particular. Overall, great work! Best of luck finalizing this essay.

Sincerely,

? Your CollegeVine Essay Editor

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