OnlineJokes .com
[Pages:89]1001
Jokes
A
few
years
ago
Richard
Wiseman
went
in
search
of
the
world's
funniest
joke.
The
results
are
described
in
his
book,
Quirkology.
Here
are
the
first
1001
clean
jokes
submitted
into
the
database.
Enjoy.....
37
Is
it
true
that
cannibals
don't
eat
clowns
because
they
taste
funny?
38
What
kind
of
pig
can
you
ignore
at
a
party?
A
wild
bore.
39
What
kind
of
murderer
has
fiber?
A
cereal
killer.
44
A
man
walking
down
the
streets
sees
another
man
with
a
very
big
dog.
One
man
says
to
the
other,
"Does
your
dog
bite",
the
man
replies
"No
my
dog
doesn't"
The
man
pats
the
dog
and
has
his
hand
bitten
off,
"I
thought
you
said
your
dog
didn't
bite"
said
the
injured
man.
"Thats
not
my
dog",
replied
the
other.
45
Q:
What's
the
difference
between
a
shoping
trolley
and
a
University
vice
chancellor?
A:
You
fill
them
both
up
with
as
much
food
and
alcohol
you
can,
but
it's
only
the
shopping
trolley
that
has
a
mind
of
its
own.
46
Q.
How
do
you
catch
a
polar
bear?
A.
You
cut
a
hole
in
the
ice
and
you
put
peas
all
round
the
edge
and
when
the
polar
bear
comes
along
and
stops
for
a
pea,
you
kick
it
in
the
ice
hole.
47
Why
do
Marxists
like
fruit
infusions?
Because
all
proper
tea
is
theft!
48
What
was
born
to
succeed?
A
budgie
with
a
blunt
beak.
49
Three
budgies
in
a
cage,
one
on
the
top
perch,
one
on
the
middle
and
one
on
the
bottom
perch.
Which
Budgie
owns
the
cage?
The
one
on
the
bottom
perch,
the
other
two
are
on
higher
perches.
50
what
do
you
call
a
fly
with
no
wings?
a
walk.
51
What
do
you
call
a
teacher
with
no
arms,
no
legs,
and
no
body?
The
Head...
52
Q:
Why
should
you
never
iron
a
four
leaf
clover?
A:
You
should
never
press
your
luck!
53
What's
ET
short
for?
Because
he's
got
little
legs.
54
An
8--year--old
girl
went
to
her
dad,
who
was
working
in
the
yard.
She
asked
him,
"Daddy,
what
is
sex?"
The
father
was
surprised
that
she
would
ask
such
a
question,
but
decides
that
if
she
is
old
enough
to
ask
the
question,
then
she
is
old
enough
to
get
a
straight
answer.
He
proceeded
to
tell
her
all
about
the
'birds
and
the
bees'.
When
he
finished
explaining,
the
little
girl
was
looking
at
him
with
her
mouth
hanging
open.
The
father
asked
her,
"Why
did
you
ask
this
question?"
The
little
girl
replied,
"Mom
told
me
to
tell
you
that
dinner
would
be
ready
in
just
a
couple
of
secs."
55
Did
you
hear
about
the
ice--cream
man,
he
was
found
dead
in
his
ice--cream
van,
covered
in
chocolate
sauce
and
hundreds--and--thousands?
The
police
said
that
he
had
?topped?
himself.
56
What
lies
on
the
bottom
of
the
ocean
and
shakes?
A
nervous
wreck.
57
Two
cannibals
are
sitting
around
eating
a
clown.
One
clown
says
to
the
other,
"Does
this
taste
funny
to
you?"
58
A
piece
of
straight,
clean
string
goes
into
a
bar
and
orders
a
gin
and
tonic.
The
barman
serves
the
drink,
the
string
downs
it
and
walks
out.
Ten
minutes
later
a
dirty,
twisted,
ragged
piece
of
string
walks
into
the
bar.
"Here
--
are
you
that
piece
of
string
that
was
here
ten
minutes
ago?"
asks
the
barman
--
"No"
replies
the
string
"I'm
a
frayed
knot"
59
there
are
these
two
sausages
sizzling
in
a
frying
pan.
the
one
turns
to
the
other
and
says
"gees,
it's
hot
in
here"
and
the
second
one
turns
around
and
goes
"AAAAH!,
a
talking
sausage".
60
Q
--
what
did
the
grape
say
when
the
elephant
trod
on
it?
A
--
Nothing,
it
just
gave
a
little
wine.
61
A
man
walks
into
a
bar
and
is
about
to
order
a
drink
when
he
notices
Van
Gogh
playing
the
fruit
machine.
He
calls
over,
"Hey,
Van
Gogh!
Want
a
drink?"
and
Van
Gogh
replies,
"No
thanks.
I've
got
one
'ere."
62
There
were
two
cows
in
a
field.
One
said
"moo",
the
other
one
said
"I
was
going
to
say
that!"
64
What
did
the
landlord
say
as
he
threw
Shakespeare
out
of
his
pub?
"You're
Bard!"
65
A
three
legged
dog
walks
into
a
Saloon
in
the
Wild
West,
the
barman
asks
him
what
he
wants.
The
dog
replies
"I'm
looking
fo
the
man
that
shot
my
paw"
66
Two
owls
are
playing
in
the
final
of
the
Owl
Pool
Championship.
It
comes
down
to
the
last
frame.
One
of
the
owls
is
just
about
to
play
his
shot,
when
his
wing
accidentally
touches
a
ball.
"That's
two
hits,"
says
the
other
owl.
"Two
hits
to
who?"
says
the
first.
67
An
atom
walks
into
a
bar
and
asks
the
bartender
if
he's
seen
his
missing
electron.
"Are
you
sure
she's
missing",
asks
the
bartender.
"I'm
positive",
replies
the
atom.
(this
is
definitely
a
joke
for
science--minded
people
only)
68
Patient
:
"Doctor
I
keep
hearing
"The
green,
green
grass
of
home"
in
my
head.
Doctor
:
"That's
called
the
Tom
Jones
Syndrome"
Patient
:
"Is
it
common
?"
Doctor
:
"It's
not
unusual
69
Two
aerials
met
on
a
roof,
fell
in
love
and
got
married.
The
ceremony
was
rubbish
but
the
reception
was
brilliant.
70
Did
you
hear
about
the
dyslexic
agnostic
insomniac
?
He
used
to
lie
awake
at
night
wondering
if
there
was
a
Dog
!
71
What
do
you
call
a
donkey
with
3
legs?
A
Wonky
72
What?s
brown
and
sticky?
A
stick
73
A
horse
walks
in
to
a
bar.
The
bartender
says:
"Why
the
long
face?"
74
A
Buddhist
walks
up
to
a
hot
dog
vendor
and
says
"Make
me
one
with
everything."
75
A
mushroom
walks
into
a
bar.
The
bartender
says
to
the
mushroom.
"Hey
we
don't
serve
your
kind
here."
The
mushroom
says
"why
not
I'm
a
fun
guy"
76
What
did
the
mayonnaise
say
to
the
refrigerator?
"Close
the
door!
Can't
you
see
I'm
dressing?"
77
PATIENT..Doctor
,
people
keep
ignoring
me.
DOCTOR...Next
please.
78
Q.
What's
the
difference
between
a
buffalo
and
a
bison?
A.
You
can't
wash
your
hands
in
a
buffalo.
79
--
How
long
did
Cain
hate
his
brother?
--
?
--
As
long
as
he
was
able...
80
A
grad
student,
a
post--doc,
and
a
professor
are
walking
through
a
city
park
and
they
find
an
antique
oil
lamp.
They
rub
it
and
a
Genie
comes
out
in
a
puff
of
smoke.
The
Genie
says,
"I
usually
only
grant
three
wishes,
so
I'll
give
each
of
you
just
one."
"Me
first!
Me
first!"
says
the
grad
student.
"I
want
to
be
in
the
Bahamas,
driving
a
speedboat
with
a
gorgeous
woman
who
sunbathes
topless."
Poof!
He's
gone.
"Me
next!
Me
next!"
says
the
post--doc.
"I
want
to
be
in
Hawaii,
relaxing
on
the
beach
with
a
professional
hula
dancer
on
one
side
and
a
Mai
Tai
on
the
other."
Poof!
He's
gone.
"You're
next,"
the
Genie
says
to
the
professor.
The
professor
says,
"I
want
those
guys
back
in
the
lab
after
lunch."
81
A
penguin
walks
into
a
store
and
asks
the
teller,
"Do
you
have
any
grapes?"
"No."
He
replies.
This
same
thing
happens
the
next
day.
On
the
third
day
the
teller
replies,"
No,
and
if
you
come
in
asking
for
grapes
again
I
will
nail
your
flippers
to
the
floor!"
On
the
next
the
penguin
walks
in
and
asks,"
Got
any
nails?
"No."
Replies
the
teller.
"Got
any
grapes!"
The
penguin
asks!
82
"I
got
that
job
down
the
bowling
alley",
"What
tenpin",
"No
it's
permanent"
83
A
man
goes
into
the
doctor
with
a
penguin
on
his
head.
The
doctor
says
"What
can
I
do
for
you?"
and
the
penguin
says
"well
doc,
it
started
as
this
growth
on
my
foot..."
84
A
man
goes
to
the
doctor
and
says
"Doctor,
it
hurts
when
I
do
this",
and
raises
his
arm.
"Well,
don't
do
it
then",
says
the
doctor.
86
Q:
Did
you
hear
about
the
Ice
Cream
Sales
man
that
was
found
dead
in
his
store
covered
in
chocolate
sauce
and
syrup?
A:
Police
think
he
topped
himself!
87
How
many
surrealists
does
it
take
to
change
a
light
bulb?
2
--
1
to
hold
the
giraffe
and
one
to
fill
the
bathtub
with
brightly
coloured
machine
tools.
88
Three
vampires
are
sitting
at
a
bar.
Bartender
asks
the
first
one
what
he
wants.
"I
think
I'll
have
a
glass
of
blood."
"Okay,
what'll
you
have?"
he
asks
the
second
vampire.
"That
sounds
good.
I'll
have
a
glass
of
blood
too."
"And
what
can
I
get
for
you?"
he
asks
the
third
vampire.
"I'll
have
a
glass
of
plasma"
said
the
third
vampire.
"Okay,"
said
the
bartender,
"That's
two
bloods
and
a
blood
light,
then."
89
A
polar
bear
walks
into
a
bar
and
the
barman
says,
"what
would
you
like
to
drink?".
The
polar
bear
hangs
his
head
and
sighs
deeply
and
then
sayss
"I'll
have
a
pint
of
bitter
barman".
The
barman
looks
at
the
bear
and
says
"why
the
big
paws?"
90
What
does
an
agnostic,
dyslexic,
insomniac
do?
Stays
up
all
night
wondering
if
there
is
a
Dog.
91
A
termite
walks
into
a
cocktail
lounge,
and
asks
a
customer,
"Is
the
bartender
here?"
92
A
man
goes
to
the
vet
about
his
dog's
fleas.
The
vet
says
"I'm
sorry,
I'll
have
to
put
this
dog
down".
The
man
is
incredulous
and
asks
why,
and
the
vet
says
"because
he
is
far
too
heavy."
93
An
Englishman,
an
Irishman
and
a
scotsman
walk
into
a
bar,
the
barman
asks,"
Is
this
a
joke?"
94
A
guy
goes
to
the
Doctors
and
he
says
"Doctor,
I'm
really
worried
about
my
brother,
he
thinks
he's
a
Hen!"
The
Doctor
says
"well
have
you
taken
him
to
see
a
psychiatrist?",
and
the
guy
says
"Don't
be
stupid,
we
need
the
eggs!"
95
A
group
of
Chess
enthusiasts
were
kicked
out
of
a
hotel
reception
for
discussing
their
winning
games.
The
manager
can't
stand
chess
nuts
boasting
in
an
open
foyer.
96
A
brain
and
a
pair
of
jumpleads
walks
into
a
bar.
The
brain
orders
two
pints
from
the
barman
but
the
barman
refuses
to
serve
him.
When
asked
why,
the
barman
replies
"
Well
you're
clearly
out
of
your
head,
and
your
friend
there
looks
as
if
he's
about
to
start
something"
97
The
police
arrested
two
men,
one
for
drinking
battery
acid
and
the
other
for
eating
fire
crackers.
They
charged
one
and
let
the
other
one
off.
98
A
man
went
to
a
horse
breeder
and
said,
I
want
that
horse.
The
breeder
said
that
horse
aint
looking
so
good,
but
the
man
still
wanted
to
buy
it,
so
he
did.
The
next
day
he
came
back
with
the
horse
and
said,
you
sold
me
a
blind
horse,
the
breeder
replied
I
told
you
that
horse
aint
looking
so
good
99
Two
hikers
were
walking
through
the
woods
when
they
noticed
a
bear
charging
towards
them
in
the
distance.
The
first
hiker
removed
his
trail
boots
and
began
to
lace
up
his
running
shoes.
The
second
hiker
laughed
and
said,
"Why
bother
changing
out
of
your
boots?
You
can't
outrun
a
bear."
The
first
hiker
replied,
"I
don't
have
to
outrun
the
bear,
I
only
have
to
outrun
you."
100
Before
you
criticize
someone,
walk
a
mile
in
their
shoes.
Then
when
you
do
criticize
them,
you'll
be
a
mile
away
and
have
their
shoes.
101
A
man
on
a
business
trip
is
staying
in
a
high--rise
hotel
with
a
bar
on
the
top
floor.
After
checking
in
and
seeing
his
room,
he
decides
to
go
upstairs.
There's
only
one
other
patron
in
the
bar.
The
businessman
orders
a
drink
and
then
watches
in
surprise
as
the
other
patron
quickly
eats
an
orange,
chugs
his
beer,
and
jumps
out
the
window.
A
minute
later,
the
man
returns.
The
businessman
is
shocked
to
see
him
again
eat
an
orange,
chug
his
beer
and
then
jump
out
the
window.
When
the
man
returns
a
third
time,
the
businessman
decides
he
can
do
this,
too.
He
eats
an
orange,
chugs
his
beer,
then
jumps
out
the
window
to
his
death.
The
bartender
turns
to
the
man
and
says,
"You
know,
Superman,
you're
a
real
jerk
when
you're
drunk."
102
How
many
surrealists
does
it
take
to
change
a
lightbulb?
Two,
one
to
do
it,
and
another
to
hold
the
fish.
103
As
a
funeral
train
passes
by
a
golf
course,
a
golfer
on
one
of
the
greens
stops,
stands
at
attention
with
hat
held
over
his
heart
as
the
hearse
goes
by.
Then
he
goes
back
to
lining
up
his
putt.
His
playing
partner
remarks
how
that
was
the
nicest
gesture
he'd
ever
seen,
to
show
such
respect
for
the
dead.
The
first
golfer
sinks
his
putt
and
says,
"Well,
she
was
a
good
wife
for
sixteen
years."
104
A
woman
has
twin
boys
and
gives
them
up
for
adoption.
One
goes
to
a
family
in
Egypt,
and
is
named
"Amahl."
The
other
goes
to
a
family
in
Spain
and
is
named
"Juan."
Years
later,
Juan
sends
a
picture
of
himself
to
his
birth
mom.
Upon
receiving
the
picture,
she
tells
her
husband
that
she
wishes
she
also
had
a
picture
of
Amahl.
Her
husband
responds,
"But
they
are
identical
twins.
If
you've
seen
Juan,
you've
seen
Amahl.
105
What
do
you
call
a
boomerang
that
doesn't
come
back?
A
stick.
106
Man
walking
down
the
street
meets
a
friend
who
has
a
lobster
tucked
under
his
arm.
"Are
you
taking
that
lobster
home
to
dinner?"
he
asks.
"No,"
says
friend,
"he's
had
his
dinner
and
now
I'm
taking
him
to
the
pictures".
107
A
man
is
sat
at
home
watching
T.V.
when
he
hears
a
knock
at
the
door.
The
man
gets
up
and
answers
the
door,
to
his
astonishment
there
is
a
snail
at
the
door.
The
snail
says
"can
i
sell
you
some
double
glazing."
To
which
the
man
replies
"no"
and
kicks
him
down
the
street.
Two
weeks
later
there
is
another
knock
at
the
door.
The
man
answers
it
and
it
is
the
snail
again.
The
snail
then
say
"what
did
you
do
that
for
then."
108
Patient:
"Doctor,
Doctor
I
think
I'm
a
pair
of
curtains."
Doctor:
"Pull
yourself
together
man."
109
Patient:
Dr,
Dr
--
I
can't
get
this
song
out
of
my
head
and
it's
driving
me
mad.
I
can't
stop
humming
"It's
Good
to
Touch
the
Green
Green
Grass
of
Home"
Doctor:
"Hmm,
sounds
like
Tom
Jones
Syndrome"
Patient
"
Never
heard
of
it"
Doctor
"Well
it's
not
unusual
..."
110
Extra
strong
mint
and
Mars
bar
are
having
a
drink
in
the
pub.
Extra
strong
mint
says
to
Mars
Bar,
`I'm
the
hardest
mint
in
town
me!
No--one's
harder
than
me!'.
With
that,
the
bar
doors
swing
open
and
in
walks
a
Halls
mint.
Mars
bar
turns
around
and
extra
strong
mint
is
quivering
under
the
table.
Mars
bar
says,
`Hang
on
a
minute,
I
thought
you
were
the
hardest
mint
in
town?!'.
Extra
strong
mint
says,
`I
might
be
hard,
but
he's
menthal!'
111
Q.
Why
do
cows
have
bells
A.
Because
there
horns
dont
work
112
Three
American
Indian
women
in
the
wild
west
are
about
to
give
birth.
One
is
lying
on
a
buffalo
skin;
one
is
lying
on
a
moose
skin;
and
one
is
lying
on
a
hippopotamus
skin.
The
first
woman
gives
birth
to
a
boy.
The
second
gives
birth
to
a
girl.
And
the
third
gives
birth
to
a
boy
and
a
girl.
And
this
proves
.
.
.
the
squaw
of
the
hide
of
the
hippopotamus
is
equal
to
the
sum
of
the
squaws
of
the
other
two
hides!
113
Guy
walks
into
the
doctor's
with
a
strawberry
growing
out
of
his
head.
Doctor
says
'I
can
give
you
some
cream
for
that'.
114
A
man
goes
to
a
diner.
On
the
menu
it
says,
"Breakfast
Served
Anytime"
so,
when
the
waitress
comes
he
orders
French
Toast
during
the
Renaissance!
115
Q:
What
happens
to
Composers
when
they
die.
A:
They
decompose
116
2
atoms
were
talking,
1
atom
said
to
the
other
"why
are
you
crying?"
the
atom
replied
"I've
lost
an
electron",
the
first
atom
said
"are
you
sure?",
"yes"
replied
the
other
"I'm
positive!"
117
Two
men
jump
out
of
a
plane.
One
is
holding
a
Budgerigar,
the
other
is
holding
a
Parrot
and
a
shot--gun.
As
they
fall
away
from
the
plane
the
man
holding
the
budgie
lets
it
go.
A
moment
later
the
man
with
the
Parrot
lets
go
of
his
bird
and
takes
a
lame
shot
at
it
with
the
shotgun.
They
both
hit
the
floor.
In
their
dying
moments,
one
turns
to
the
other
and
says,
"I
don't
think
much
of
this
Budgiejumping"
The
other
dying
man
turns
to
him
and
replies,
"No,
i
don't
think
much
of
this
high
altitude
paratchuting!."
118
I
drunk
driver
is
stop
for
heading
the
wrong
way
on
a
one--way
street.
The
police
officer
asked
the
driver
didn't
you
see
the
arrows.
The
drink
responds,
"Arrows,
I
couldn't
even
see
the
Indians.
119
A
man
took
his
dog
to
the
vet.
"Sorry,"
said
the
vet,
"but
your
dog
is
dead".
Distraught
man
asks
the
vet
for
a
second
opinion----
the
vet
brings
in
the
practice
cat.
Cat
sniffs
around----
no
response
from
dog.
Vet
says
"sorry,
but
your
dog
is
dead".
Man
insists
on
a
third
opinion,
so
vet
brings
in
the
practice
labrador.
Practice
dog
sniffs
around----no
response
from
man's
dog.
Reluctantly
the
man
accepts
his
dog
is
dead.
On
the
way
out,
the
receptionist
gives
him
a
bill
for
?1000.
"Good
grief,what
is
this
for?
"Well,
said
the
receptionist,
"it's
?50
for
the
vet,
?300
for
the
catscan
and
?600
for
the
lab
report.
120
what
game
do
you
play
with
a
wombat?
answer
--
wom
121
a
man
walks
into
a
shop
and
says
"i'd
like
to
buy
a
wasp,
please."
the
shopkeeper
replies
"i'm
sorry,
sir,
we
don't
sell
wasps."
"but,"
says
the
man
"you
have
one
in
the
window."
122
A
white
horse
walked
into
a
pub
and
ordered
a
lager.
The
landlord
put
the
drink
on
the
bar
and
said
'We've
got
a
whisky
named
after
you'.
The
horse
replied
'what,
Eric?'.
123
While
robbing
a
home,
a
burglar
hears
someone
say,
"Jesus
is
watching
you."
To
his
relief,
he
realizes
it
is
just
a
parrot
mimicking
something
it
had
heard.
The
burglar
asks
the
parrot,
"What's
your
name?"
The
parrot
says,
"Moses."
The
burglar
goes
on
to
ask,
"What
kind
of
a
person
names
their
parrot
Moses?"
The
parrot
replies,
"The
same
kind
of
person
that
names
his
Rottweiler
Jesus."
124
How
many
psychiatrists
does
it
take
to
change
a
light
bulb?
Only
one,
but
the
light
bulb's
got
to
want
to
change.
125
Where
can
you
find
a
Mozambique.
On
a
mozam--bird!
126
Q:
What's
brown
and
sticky?
A:
A
stick.
127
A
man
gets
knocked
down
by
a
truck.
A
guy
says
to
him
are
you
comfortable.
He
says
I
make
a
living!
128
Why
does
a
chicken
coop
have
2
doors?
Because
if
had
4
doors
it
would
be
a
chicken
sedan.
129
Q.
Where
do
you
keep
a
baby
ape?
................
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