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Christianity and SexualityAfter Party with Pastor LanceAug 30, 2020The Rest of the Sermon Reiterating What I Said in the SermonThe Problem isn’t Enjoyment – Sex is encouraged in the Bible (Song of Solomon says get creative and Paul the Apostle says, don’t stop having it – 1 Cor 7:1-5). The problem is the damage that can result from using it inappropriately. Lots of Men & Women - 70% of men between 18-24 visit porn sites regularly, yet the largest consumer group of online porn is men between 35-49. Per University of OK, 33% of women engage in porn videos or explicit photos (represent 1/3 of all porn viewers). 55% of married men watch porn compared to the 70% of unmarried men. 40 million Americans admit to regularly visiting porn sites. 8% of all emails are pornographic.It’s accessible – 80% of the most popular porn site (Pornhub) is accessed via smartphone or tablet. Sex Addiction – 40% of sex addicts lose their spouses; 58% suffer significant financial losses; 1/3 lose their jobs. Christian People Engage in It – up to 70% of men in churches are sexually addicted to porn per statistics (some stats say 64% of Christian men and 15% of Christian women engage with porn). Really good men engage in pornography, it’s not just some odd creeper in a trailer somewhere. 57% of pastors and 64% of youth pastors either struggle with porn now or ‘in the past’.Youth and Young Adults – 90% of teens and 96% of young adults report being encouraging, accepting or neutral about porn. Average age of males engaging with porn for the first time is 12 years old. What I didn’t Cover in my SermonWhy People Watch Porn – there are 6 most common reasons:1.) Sexual arousal – controllable vehicle to get arousal. 2.) Information and Education on Sex – 60% of college students cited learning about sex from porn.3.) Loneliness – designed to cater to you and make you as a viewer feel important. 4.) Boredom – it’s more interesting than what’s on TV.5.) Peer Pressure – trying to keep up with what others are doing or talking about. 6.) Stress Relief – porn tends to be accompanied by masturbation which is a chemical release to the brain to bring a calming effect. The Most Common Problems with Porn – depending on the arenas of porn being engaged with there are a host of challenges and problems that come into play. I will mention 4 of the most common.1.) Lust & Consumption (What happens with the one engaging) - This is the most obvious reason that is brought up when talking about pornography. The idea that someone engages with porn for sexual arousal seems, to many, to be a clear link to lust, which Jesus was very clear about avoiding. In one sense this is still partially true, but I want to explain the concept a bit deeper. The problem with lust is not that there’s an attraction, or appreciation of beauty, or sexual turn-on (arousal), the problem is that it’s a mistreatment of another human being. The term lust is not attraction, it’s consumption language. Lust means that you want to take that person for yours, regardless of the impact to that person. It’s a purely selfish motive that desires to ‘own’ the other person for your own benefit. It’s a demeaning of the other human being, a lack of respect, a demotion, with a self-centered passion. The challenge of that type of intense consuming of another person then puts any current relationships on notice that something is wrong. That is why this can lead to trouble in homes and marriages (allegedly porn use increases divorce likelihood 300%). If you so desperately want another, then the one you have isn’t as valuable or important to you. But this is where I caution people about throwing this term around, because lusting isn’t quite what we think it is.What lusting is – Words are defined by their usage. A form of the concept lust is used 21x’s in Scripture (only 4x’s in the NT). It is used the following ways:Lusting After War Domination - Ps 68:30 – “Trample underfoot those who lust after tribute; scatter the peoples who delight in war.” – This means that someone is obsessed with fighting so they can dominate another person and force them to serve them through taxation. It’s using people for self-benefit aggressively. Lusting to Deceive People - Pr 11:6 – “The righteousness of the upright delivers them, but the treacherous are taken captive by their lust.” This is wanting desperately to steal from people and ruin them by taking what they have. Lusting in a spiritual idol sense – desperately and passionately going after other gods and idols rather than the Lord (Isa 57:5; Eze 16:26, 36; 23:5-20).Lusting in an animal sense – Jeremiah 2:24 – paraphrase explanation - like a donkey in heat just wanting to mate with another out of instinct compulsion thinking nothing of the impact to the other animal. Lusting for gain – Ezek 33:31 – “And they come to you as people come, and they sit before you as my people, and they hear what you say but they will not do it; for with lustful talk in their mouths they act; their heart is set on their gain.”NT Shift to Selfish, Unrestrained, Distorted Sexuality – It is in the NT that we see a shift to talking about lusting attached to distorted sexuality. Perhaps the most famous and powerful passage about that is found in Romans chapter 1. Ro 1:18–32 – “For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth. 19?For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them. 20?For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse. 21?For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. 22?Claiming to be wise, they became fools, 23?and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things. 24?Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, 25?because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen. 26?For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; 27?and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error. 28?And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done. 29?They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips, 30?slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, 31?foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless. 32?Though they know God’s righteous decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but give approval to those who practice them.”The Clearest Verse on this Type of NT Lust (harm to others) – 1 Th 4:3–8 – “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; 4?that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, 5?not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; 6?that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. 7?For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness. 8?Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you.” (the most unclear passage is 2 Peter 2:10 – not sure what he’s talking about there). Why This Discussion Matters – It looks like I’m splitting hairs here, but I think it’s important. Here’s why. Being sexually aroused by someone else isn’t harmful to them per se, but shifting in your mindset to consuming them for your benefit and using them, is. The problem isn’t sexual arousal, it’s selfish consumption. Where not understanding this difference plays out most unfortunately is in how the church tends to talk about sex. Kids are taught that sexual arousal is bad and they take that into their marriages and it causes dysfunction. It also hands over the entire subject of sex to the Enemy as if he owns the whole territory of sexuality and that to want to be aroused means that you are in the devil’s playground. This is not the case. Sexual arousal is healthy, it’s what you do with it (mentally and physically) that needs to be channeled and controlled. Some would say that engaging with pornography is always for personal selfish consumption and not just seeing it as erotica of sexual arousal and Biblically they may have the upper hand on that. Others say that there’s a difference between erotica (sexual arousal) and pornography (harmful) and that one is bad while the other is ambiguous. I’ll leave that debate to the experts. Christ’s Command - Mt 5:27–28 - “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28?But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”Side Comment – I do want to say something about this famous passage. Notice that it links it to adultery. That would mean that one of the parties is married. What if both parties are single? Would it be a violation of fornication, or not a violation at all? I assume it would be fornication, but I’m not sure. My point is that the command is to stop people from hurting and damaging their community around them. To lust after another man’s wife is to disrupt and damage their marriage. The problem focus seems to be on harming others in the community not on sexual arousal per se. 2.) Temptation to go Live – Just like all TV programs, there is a general atmosphere created through genres. In Porn, promiscuity is the natural state of things. Additionally, most sites link to online live “cams” of real women on the other side who will sexually perform for you. Hook ups with real people are encouraged and plentifully available. Interestingly enough the most recent statistics cite that 68% of divorces cite meeting another party on the Internet. 3.) Mistreatment of Women – There are three general dangers to women that can emanate from the pornography world. This is not to say that everyone engaging with pornography is harming women (some would argue that however). They vary in levels of harm:A.) Physical Harm - from the extreme side of areas of the porn world supporting the Sex Trafficking world (literally kidnapping and raping for video or personal use) to the issue of a lot of pornography stoking the fire of domination and extreme harm to women (rape fantasies, etc.). 46 research studies demonstrate increased risk for committing sexual offenses. B.) Extreme Demotion - to the fantasy domination side of harming women, such as aggressiveness in sex (rough sex) and BDSM. Statistics show that 88% of porn scenes contain acts of physical aggression, 49% verbal aggression. 38% of women under 40 experienced unwanted slapping, choking, gagging or spitting during consensual sex. It distorts assumptions about what sex is and makes things sexy that are actually harmful. C.) General Demotion - to the lighter side of objectifying women (demeaning). Not respecting and using other people is a common porn theme. Women are viewed as lesser in much of the porn world storylines and simply exist for sexual satisfaction (male-dominated mindset). 4.) Sin Millstone – the guilt and shame that keeps men from ministering and the removal of victory and freedom. Many Christian men will not get involved in ministry, pray for others, or engage in their Christianity because they don’t feel worthy to do any of it since they are using porn in secret. They don’t think that the Lord wants to use them as they are soiled by their own issues. This is not true but it’s what many men believe and it has further pushed men to the fringes of Christianity and many out altogether. Pure Desire & Conquer Series for Men – Bridgeway has engaged with a ministry that helps men deal with porn addiction and it’s been received very well. It’s a series designed to understand where men are coming from, talk about the underlying issues involved, give practical tools for dealing with pornography and male accountability to walk into freedom. Explain the pieces that we need to see clearly about sexualityDifferences in Perspectives on sex with men and women – personalities make us combinations of both genders in how we may personally process (i.e. some men are very emotionally connected, and some women are not very). There’re always exceptions to every rule as well. 10 Differences in Male vs. Female SexualityMen process compartmentally (One part of their life may not bleed into another part). Vs. Women - process holistically (Each part of life connects to the whole).Men Are seeking physical connection vs. Women - Emotional Connection - Vast majority of women process sexuality and relationships through an emotional lens. It’s about connection and affirmation.Attraction is primarily visually stimulated (smell and touch). Vs. Women - Attraction is context driven (attitudes, actions and words)Men tend to seek out variety vs. Women tend to respond better in securityMen - Sexual release is a high priority vs. Women - Emotional stimuli is a high priorityMen are more body-centered vs. Women are more person-centeredMen are Rarely distracted during sex vs. Women are more easily distracted during sex (atmosphere design matters – 2 biggest helps: Relaxation and removal of anxiety – they seek to ‘turn off their brains’). Men engage their fantasy imagination in sex, about sex vs. Women use their imagination to escape and relax during sex.Men want to be physically desired vs. Women want to be emotionally neededMore rapidly ready once sexually turned on vs. Women take time to emotionally get their head into the scenarioMen have a physical urge cyclically internally that pressures a reason for sex. Vs. Women tend to need a reason to have sex. Feeling desired is a big help. A lot of foreplay is about this (i.e. rat sex – prolonged chasing period prior)Help men (and women) understand the Porn challenge Porn is a drug – it releases a chemical in your brain that makes you feel better (dopamine). It’s sexual junk food. Other stuff gets you dopamine too, lean into those.A desire to be aroused isn’t bad, it’s normal – the key is appropriate channels of handling it. Desire to change has to be matched with habit change which takes time, discipline and dedication.Clearing artificial sexual stimuli out completely allows your system to reboot to it’s normal factory settings (like a computer) The length of time to fix it depends on how hardwired it’s in your brain. It’s not impossible to stop. It’s just difficult. We don’t like difficult. Unless you address underlying issues, it remains more stubborn than it should be. As long as it’s only you in secret, you can justify anything. Failure and backsliding doesn’t get better with more shame. It’s part of the process. Replace don’t just remove – replace it with purpose and fun and adventure that you love. Help women understand the Porn challenge in men: 7 TruthsStatistically men don’t need to be emotionally connected to the person they have sex with. It’s more of a physical transaction. That’s why most women feel so violated when their significant other engages in porn. They can’t imagine that feelings or devotions aren’t involved. A man’s self-image is vitally linked to his sexuality. A man gravitates to where he feels like a hero. Porn is designed to make him feel stronger and better about his sexuality. Most Christian men are horrified that they struggle with it – they don’t want anyone knowing and the fact that you found out, makes them vulnerable (it’s viewed as a weakness). Don’t hold it over their head or it will divide you. Sexual Arousal is only one reason that men engage in porn – the others are loneliness, stress and anxiety, boredom and habit. Good men and women engage in porn – it’s not just some pervy guy who creeps on women. Porn doesn’t mean that you aren’t enough nor pretty enough – a lot of porn’s women aren’t as good looking as you are. It’s about variety and control over the situation, not about finding the best woman. Most men are clicking continually through woman after woman. It’s not the woman, it’s the stimulus. You aren’t likely part of the scenario at all. Porn doesn’t automatically mean he’s going to do worse things or cheat – yes there are statistics about escalation to keep the interest high and yes there are temptations to take it to the next step, but in general taking it to the next step is exactly what he doesn’t want – drama. The control and ease is the good parts. Restore a healthier view of sexuality in ChristiansSex is Great – it should be not only utilized but celebrated and worked on in a marriage. It’s a glue of relationship for many, many people. God designed it and gave it as a gift. Poor stewardship turns blessings into curses. Stop telling our young people that sex is bad – we are watching a lot of damage happen to sheltered Christian young marriages. They don’t know the other side. Teach them about responsibility not avoidance. Sexual Arousal is part of how God designed us. It’s not wrong to be aroused. ................
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