Goldilocks, and
Goldilocks, Τηε τηρεε βεαρσ and Τεετη Μαρκσ
Written by George Rennison
Prologue
Narrator: You know, I’ve always enjoyed people like you as an audience. You don’t chuck tomatoes at me. So someone please chuck a tomato today I love tomatoes!
Goldilocks: I don’t! There fruit and veg, yuck. Just eat crisps for goodness sakes it so better.
Narrator: Don’t make you any fitter!
Goldilocks: Bet you can’t say fried-fruit-fritter!
Narrator: There is no such thing as a fruit-fried-fritter.
Goldilocks: You said it wrong!
(Someone pops there head out from backstage.)
Head: It’s nearly one o clock. Stop arguing about fritters and start the panto!
Narrator: Fine be that way!
Song: ROCKING ALL OVER THE WORLD
All:
Ah here we are and here we are and here we go
All aboard and we're hitting the road
Here we go, rockin' all over the world
Ah giddy-up and giddy-up and get away
We're going crazy and we're going today
Here we go, rockin' all over the world
And I like it, I like it, I like it, I like it
I li-li-like it, li-li-like
Here we go, rockin' all over the world
I'm gonna tell your mama what you're gonna do
Come on out with your dancing shoes
Here we go, rockin' all over the world
And I like it, I like it, I like it, I like it
I li-li-like it, li-li-like
Here we go, rockin' all over the world
And I like it, I like it, I like it, I like it
I li-li-like it, li-li-like
Here we go, rockin' all over the world
And I like it, I like it, I like it, I like it
I li-li-like it, li-li-like
Here we go, rockin' all over the world
Scene 1: Goldilocks and the contest
Stallholder: Roll up! ROLL UP! Girls, who can flick their hair the most.
Girl 1 (preferably a boy): Oh, oh! I could do it, oh pleasse! Mither Theffield.
Girl 2: I’m so gonna win this I’m like on all the magazines right. Init
Goldilocks: Ok, ok. I could do this, so why am I just standing here? Should I do it?
Audience: Yeah!
God: I am God. You should have a go, Goldilocks.
Goldilocks: Oi! Don’t call me that!
Stall holder: Ok girls, take you positions on the track. When the gun fires you are off. Ready, set, go. (Long pause) I’ve run out of blanks, I’ll have to use this one. (He/She shoots, and kills someone) Oh my great aunt Griselda!
(The girls run to the finish line, in slow mo. Chariots of fire music. Girl 1’s wig falls off as they push each other away to get to the finish line. Goldilocks is first.)
Goldilocks: Wow! Look I win!
Girl 1: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Girl 2: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Stall holder: I think we have a winner! Hello little child. What’s your name?
Goldilocks: Why should I tell you?
Stall holder: Fine! You’ve just won!
Goldilocks: So where’s my prize?
Stall holder: You’ve got 5 to choose from. Pick 2.
Goldilocks: Ok. What shall I do?
Audience: (shouting numbers)
Goldilocks: 4 and 1 please.
Stall holder: Look at one of them.
Goldilocks: Oh! Number one is a pair of heelies! (Clapping)
Stall holder: Now you have the choice, 4 or 1?
Goldilocks: Why can’t I look at number 4?
Stall holder: It’s the rules. 4 or 1?
Goldilocks: Ok, you lot help me?
Audience: 4, 1, 4, 4,1...Ect.
Goldilocks: I am a bit of a gambler. No. 4 please.
Stall holder: (Gasp) Read it!
Goldilocks: A cottage. Oh my gosh! My mum will be so proud of me!
(Bear 1 enter)
Bear: I know, I’m not going to kill her yet. Has she picked number 4?
Audience: Yes/No.
Bear: Merci or Danker as the Germans say it!
Scene 2: The cottage
Goldilocks: Ok, so this is it. Looks old. Is anyone here d’ya think? I’m sure someone owns this or it wouldn’t say: Home of Bear Family. Go away. Have I been stitched up? Good, is there someone behind me? Good, lets go!
Bear 1: from backstage- GO AWAY! Can’t you read. What’s your name child?
Goldilocks: Goldilocks.
Bear 1: Why? Come on in child!
Audience: BOO! HISS
Bear 2: You have five tasks. And you have been stitched up. Choose your first task.
Goldilocks: Not more numbers. Which one? 5, 3, 2? I’ll go with 1 first Mr. Bear.
Bear 2: Good. Choose a friend on a Web Cam to help you.
Goldilocks: Oh I’ll choose my best friend, Olivia!
Bear 2: You and Olivia have thirty seconds to eat porridge. Goodbye!
Bear 3: Goodbye!
Track 3: Falling sounds
Bear 2: Your porridge is on the table. You have thirty seconds. Oh and call me agent bear!
Track 4: Clock tick.
Goldilocks: This looks fairly straight forward!
Olivia: Lets eat.
(It’s curry flavour. Goldilocks and Olivia jump up and down because the curry is so hot.)
Olivia: It’s really hot
Goldilocks: C’mon lets finish the bowl, I’ve got some water!
(They finish it in time)
Track 5: Falling sounds two.
Scene 3: The Second task
Goldilocks: I’m back, where’s Olivia?
Bear 3: She’s come with me!
Bear 1: Back home. Now your second task. Pick a number.
Goldilocks: Ok, I’ll choose Number 3, and I’ll pick my Dad. Over there (point)
Bear 1: Your first instruction is to pick a TV programme.
Goldilocks: Something Policy. Your good with that stuff!
Everyone: THE BILL! THE BILL! THE BILL! THE BILL!
Dad: Ok, the bill.
Track 6: Falling sounds one.
Track 7: The Bill theme.
Bear 1: Ok. Your first task is to pick a character.
Goldilocks: I’ll be a police officer.
Dad:
Bear 1: Good. Now I’ll leave you to it.
Goldilocks: But what do we do?
PC Mayers: You two can go to the field with the forensics. Try and get some evidence.
Goldilocks: Ok. Just act natural. C’mon you lot to the field.
Goldilocks: We just have to search the field. Easy?
(They search.)
Goldilocks: Nothing?
Dad: No.
Forensic: Look PC Goldie, Martin’s just been killed! There he is!
Goldilocks: Arrest him Dad!
(Dad arrests)
Track 8: Falling sounds two
Scene 4: The third and fourth task
Bear 3: Well done! Next task. Pick a number.
Goldilocks: Ok number 5, please.
Bear 3: This one you have to do on your own.
Track 9: Falling sounds one
Track 10 I’ve got some falling to do
George:
In an airplane, I was flying.
Just a flight attendant guy.
I can be clumsy, and I stumbled
out the door, into the sky.
Now I am falling through the air.
Wind and regret flow through my hair.
All I can do right now is stare down at the ocean.
Suddenly, there's a ring in my cell phone. I pick it up.
It's the Angel of Death, and he says "Wazzup?"
I say, "What is it this time?"
And he's like "Well, hello, goodbye, I'll see you in Hell."
He can be like that sometimes, he's such a nut.
So I snicker and say, "I'd love to, but
gravity's calling, I've got some falling to do."
I'm in a state of shock, but it's something new.
I guess it all depends on your point of view. It's true.
This is boring... Yes, I'm falling,
but it's taking quite a while.
My destination is impending.
Might as well go out in style.
I put my arms out to the skies,
whistle a tune and close my eyes,
trying to briefly realize perpetual motion.
Suddenly, giant tentacles rise from the open sea,
and with total precision they lasso me.
It's a monstrous squid and he saved my life,
but I am too freaked out to be nice.
So I tell him the truth, that I'd rather fall.
No offense but at least it's predictable.
Gotta stop stalling, I've got some falling to do.
I'm probably gonna die, but it's something new.
I guess it all depends on your point of view. It's true.
Bear 3: Your next task involves running so get on the track and I’ll count down from 3 ok? 1, 1, 1, GO!
Track 11: Grandstand
Goldilocks: This is hard work. Wonder when I get to stop. I usually do this with my I-pod. I wonder which number I should pick next. I really enjoyed the TV one. I want to do that again with someone else. I’m stopping.
Bear 3: Not good enough. Only two minutes! Now, footie! When your ready,
5, 5, 5, 4!
Track 12: Match of the day
Track 13: Falling sounds two
Bear 2: Well done, now. Your next task...
Goldilocks: Yes, yes. Number 2 please and I’ll do it with my Nanny, please.
Track 14: Falling sounds one
Host: Hello and welcome to the Geography quiz! I say the capital you say the country. Simple! Get 10 right to win OK 1. Budapest. 2. Bern 3. Beirut 4. Jerusalem 5. Nuuk 6. Canberra 7. San Jose 8. Bangkok 9. Tunis 10. Nicosia
(Answers: 1 Hungary 2 Switzerland 3 Lebanon 4 Israel 5 Greenland 6 Australia 7 Costa Rica 8 Thailand 9 Tunisia 10 Cyprus)
Way! You win!
Goldilocks: Yes! Thank you Nanny!
Track 15: Falling sounds two
Scene 5: The last task
Bear 1: Good work Goldilocks.
Bear 3: Yes you’ve done extremely well
Bear 2: But there’s one more task. Number 4.
Track 16: One more time
One more time
Let's do it again
Show no shame, just call my name
One more time
Again and again
Don't you want to play my game?
You spin me round and round and
Turn me upside down
You put a spell on me and
Hit me to the feeling
One more time
Let's do it again
Show no shame, just call my name
One more time
Again and again
Don't you want to play my game?
Play me, play me baby
Play me, show me what you got
Come play me
Play me baby
Play me, don't stop don't stop.
Play me, play me baby
Play me, show me what you got
Come play me
Play me baby
Play me, don't stop don't stop
Do it just do it
Do it just do it
Do it just do it
Do it just do it,
Just do it one more time!
Bear 1: Complete the assault course and we will set you free. GO!
Track 17: Scary Music
Goldilocks: EE! AA! Yes! I’ve made it!
Track 18: THE SWEET ESCAPE
If I could escape I would but first of all let me say
I must apologize for actin’, thinkin’, treatin’ you this way
‘Cuz I’ve been actin’ like sour milk fell on the floor
It’s your fault you didn’t shut the refrigerator
Maybe that is the reason I’ve been actin’ so cold
chorus:
If I could escape
And re-create a place in my own world
And I could be your favourite girl
Forever perfectly together
Tell me boy, now wouldn’t that be sweet
If I could be sweet
I know I’ve been a real bad girl
I didn’t mean for you to get hurt
Forever we can make it better
Tell me boy, now wouldn’t that be sweet
Sweet escape, sweet escape
Akon: I wanna get away to our sweet escape I wanna get away! Yeah
You let me down, I’m at my lowest boiling point
Come help me out I need to get me outta this joint
C’mon let’s bounce, countin’ on you to turn me around
Instead of clownin’ around for some common ground
And time’s I’ a little crazy
I am I’ a little lazy
Waitin’ on you to come save me
I can see that you’re angry by the way that you treat me
Hopefully you don’t leave me, wanna take you with me
chorus x 1
If I could escape if I could escape
‘Cuz I’ve been actin’ like sour milk fell on the floor
It’s your fault you didn’t shut the refrigerator
Maybe that is the reason I’ve been actin’ so cold
Narrator: But you can’t say “Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers”
Goldilocks: But you can’t say “Suzie sitting in a shoe shine shop, all day long she shines and sits. All day long she sits and shines. Suzie, suzie!”
Head: And? It’s time for the curtain call!
Track 19: Curtain Call
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