Mistaken Goal Chart - Positive Discipline



Mistaken Goal Chart

| | | | | | | |

|The Child’s goal|If the parent/ |And tends to |And if the |The belief behind |Coded |Parent/teacher proactive and |

|is: |teacher feels: |react by: |child’s response|the child’s |messages |empowering responses include: |

| | | |is: |behavior is: | | |

| | | | | | | |

|Undue Attention |Annoyed |Reminding |Stops |I count (belong) |Notice Me - |Redirect by involving child in|

|(to keep others |Irritated |Coaxing |temporarily, but|only when I’m being |Involve Me |a useful task to gain useful |

|busy or to get |Worried |Doing things for|later resumes |noticed or getting |Usefully |attention; ignore (touch |

|special service)|Guilty |the child he/she|same or another |special service. I’m| |without words); say what you |

| | |could do for |disturbing |only important when | |will do, “I love you and |

| | |him/herself |behavior |I’m keeping you busy| |____.” (Example: I care about |

| | | | |with me. | |you and will spend time with |

| | | | | | |you later.”) Avoid special |

| | | | | | |service; have faith in child |

| | | | | | |to deal with feelings (don’t |

| | | | | | |fix or rescue); plan special |

| | | | | | |time; set up routines; engage |

| | | | | | |child in problem-solving; use |

| | | | | | |family/class meetings; set up |

| | | | | | |nonverbal signals. |

| | | | | | | |

|Misguided Power |Challenged |Fighting. |Intensifies |I belong only when |Let Me Help |Redirect to positive power by |

|(to be boss) |Threatened |Giving in. |behavior. |I’m boss, in |- |asking for help; offer limited|

| |Defeated |Thinking, “You |Defiant |control, or proving |Give Me |choices; don’t fight and don’t|

| | |can’t get away |compliance. |no one can boss me. |Choices |give in; withdraw from |

| | |with it” or |Feels he/she’s |You can’t make me. | |conflict; be firm and kind; |

| | |“I’ll make you.”|won when | | |act, don’t talk; decide what |

| | |Wanting to be |parent/teacher | | |you will do; let routines be |

| | |right |is upset even if| | |the boss; leave and calm down;|

| | | |he/she has to | | |develop mutual respect; set a |

| | | |comply. | | |few reasonable limits; |

| | | |Passive power. | | |practice follow-through; use |

| | | | | | |family/class meetings. |

| | | | | | | |

|Revenge |Hurt |Hurting back, |Retaliates |I don’t think I |I’m Hurting |Acknowledge hurt feelings; |

|(to get even) |Disappointed |Shaming |Intensifies |belong so I’ll hurt |- |avoid feeling hurt; avoid |

| |Disbelieving |Thinking “How |Escalates the |others as I feel |Validate My |punishment and retaliation; |

| |Disgusted |could you do |same behavior or|hurt. I can’t be |Feelings |build trust; use reflective |

| | |such a thing?” |chooses another |liked or loved. | |listening; share your |

| | | |weapon | | |feelings; make amends; show |

| | | | | | |you care; act, don’t talk; |

| | | | | | |encourage strengths; put kids |

| | | | | | |in same boat; use family/class|

| | | | | | |meetings. |

| | | | | | | |

|Assumed |Despair |Giving up |Retreats further|I can’t belong |Don’t Give |Break task down to small |

|Inadequacy |Hopeless |Doing for |Passive |because I’m not |Up On Me - |steps; stop all criticism; |

|(to give up and |Helpless |Over helping |No improvement |perfect, so I’ll |Show Me A |encourage any positive |

|be left alone) |Inadequate | |No response |convince others not |Small Step |attempt; have faith in child’s|

| | | | |to expect any-thing | |abilities; focus on assets; |

| | | | |of me; I am helpless| |don’t pity; don’t give up; set|

| | | | |and unable; it’s no | |up opportunities for success; |

| | | | |use trying because I| |teach skills/show how, but |

| | | | |won’t do it right. | |don’t do for; enjoy the child;|

| | | | | | |build on his/her interests; |

| | | | | | |use family/class meetings. |

Source: Positive Discipline books and materials developed by Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott,

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