The Lunchroom - SimplyScripts



The Lunchroom

Episode 2x04

"COMICS AND COMEDIANS"

Written by

Alan Holman

and

Bruce Snyder

Story by

Alan Holman

Created by

Bruce Snyder

OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE:

Marvin Gaye's "Ain't That Peculiar" plays over the

credits. (Now with Stacy and Chris added.)

INT. HALLWAY – NOON

Will is making his way through the hallway toward the

lunchroom. Kirk appears behind Will, trying to catch up.

KIRK

Hey, Will.

WILL

Oh, hey Kirk.

Will stops. It's obvious that he doesn't want to be

there.

WILL

How's it going?

KIRK

Guess what I learned?

WILL

That drugs are bad and your going

to quit?

KIRK

(laughing)

No...not yet. That's funny. Anyway,

I learned that if you watch THE

WIZARD OF OZ, while listening to

PINK FLOYD's album THE DARK SIDE OF

THE MOON -- and if you begin both

at the same time, with the volume

down on the movie, and the volume

up on the music, it's really

fucking trippy!

WILL

Yeah that's great but I -

KIRK

I'm gonna look for other stuff like

that.

WILL

Well, Kirk. Have fun killing your

brain cells.

KIRK

I always do. See ya!

Both leave in different directions.

INT. LUNCHROOM – NOON

Brian, Brock, Casey, Reicther, Chris and Joel, sit

around a table. Each one has a big piece of chocolate in

front of them. Will quickly runs up and sits down.

WILL

What did I miss?

JOEL

(mouth full)

Reicther brought a giant chocolate

bunny.

WILL

Damn it! Anything left?

REICTHER

This bow.

Reicther hands him a bow tie. Will takes a bite.

WILL

Crap, it's not real.

CASEY

Remember when I said you all remind

me of Knights of the Round Table?

Everyone nods, except for Chris.

JOEL

If we were Knights of the Round

Table, Will would be wimpy Sir

Robin!

WILL

Me, wimpy? Never!

BRIAN

Yeah right. Which one would I be?

CASEY

You're Sir Galahad.

BRIAN

No, I'm not. I'm Brian!

BROCK

Who am I?

BRIAN

You're Brock, Brock.

CASEY

Brock -- you're the invincible Sir

Concord.

BROCK

Sounds good.

CASEY

And Reicther is King Arthur.

Everyone protests.

REICTHER

Silence knights!

Small laughter.

WILL

What the hell is this all about,

Casey?

CASEY

I'm planning to write a comic book

about this. About us as the Knights.

BROCK

Why?

CASEY

Because there are literally

hundreds of comic shops, in North

America, that sell independent

stuff by amateur artists.

BROCK

Hundreds?

CASEY

I could find them on-line, and mail

my comic to them, so they could

sell it on what they call

"consignment."

CHRIS

Would it work?

CASEY

Yes -- it would work; however, it'd

take a long time. And I'd need

more money. You know, some people

buy stuff BECAUSE it's independent.

WILL

You know actually, I think this bow

tastes like Smarties.

INT. ENGLISH CLASS – AFTERNOON

Joel and Chris sit in a back corner. A substitute

teacher, MR. DRAKE, presides over the class.

DRAKE

Your regular teacher couldn't make

it today. So I will be subbing.

The class begins to talk amongst their selves.

DRAKE

Okay everyone turn their grammar

books to page 324.

Drake looks over the class and notices a girl wearing a

shirt which reads "Bulldog Basketball."

DRAKE

Ah, I see that someone went to the

game. Anyone else see the game?

Everyone in the class now seem excited (except for Joel

and Chris.) They all begin to talk amongst themselves or

to Drake.

DRAKE

You know I was a Bulldog!

A jock, DEVIN ZOWSKI, sucks-up...

DEVIN

You look it, dude. I can totally

tell.

DRAKE

Thanks. Are you a Bulldog?

DEVIN

Naw. I'm trying out next year,

though.

DRAKE

You'll make it. You look like you

have potential.

Joel groans very loudly.

DRAKE

Well, it seems like someone sounds

annoyed.

JOEL

No sir, that was a grunt of

disappointment. When I let out an

annoying grunt out, you'll know.

Some of the class laughs. Drake smiles.

DRAKE

Are you the class clown?

JOEL

No.

DRAKE

Then why the irreverent noise?

JOEL

Because I want to participate, in

the class discussion, before it

becomes a yak fest between jocks.

DRAKE

How very noble of you.

JOEL

Thank you.

DRAKE

I used to be a class clown.

JOEL

Oh?

DRAKE

Yeah. I was your age, actually.

Then I somehow got fat during the

summer, and when I tried to lose

weight, I developed muscles. I

somehow, naturally got buff, and it

only took one summer, so then the

next year I joined the football

team, and that's how I went from

nerdy class-clown, to jock, in less

than a year.

CHRIS

Sir. What the hell was the point of

that?

DRAKE

My point is: this is a very

formative year for you. As soon as

next year, you can be someone

totally different than that person

whom you are today.

JOEL

(not really paying

attention)

Yeah, that sounds really scary.

DRAKE

Not necessarily scary. It could be

a good thing.

CHRIS

Oh.

DRAKE

Scary...heh. That word reminds me

of a ghost story -

JOEL

Hey, you can't tell a ghost story.

What about my dying desire to

learn? My burning need for

education?

Pause.

CHRIS

Anyway, Mr. Drake. Myself and Joel

have got an appointment with the...

DRAKE

(interrupting)

Let me guess: Audio-Visual Club?

JOEL

No.

DRAKE

Chess Club?

CHRIS

No.

DRAKE

Student Counsel?

CHRIS

No...but you're close. Wanna keep

guessing, or can Joel and I get

there on time?

DRAKE

Sure. Yeah. I believe you. Go. Have

fun with your...nerd stuff.

JOEL

We will.

Joel and Chris exit from the classroom.

INT. HALLWAY – AFTERNOON

Joel and Chris walk through the hallway.

JOEL

He called us nerds!

CHRIS

He calls it like he sees it.

INT. MATH CLASS – SAME

Will is sitting, writing in a notebook. Next to him, is

Rene and Emily who are working on their math.

WILL

I was just thinking.

EMILY

That's a first.

WILL

Do you think I have potential to

become a stand-up comedian?

They both laugh.

RENE

Well, it could happen.

EMILY

No. Don't be insane. You'd get

pelted with tomatoes.

WILL

The audience wouldn't pelt tomatoes

at me. I'd never bomb.

RENE

In that case, write some jokes.

WILL

I don't know. Too much work.

RENE

Without jokes, you'll get heckled.

EMILY

Hey, maybe you should be a

professional heckler!

WILL

I'll start now -- YOU SUCK!

RENE

That was a wonderful heckle!

WILL

I could get to like this! But maybe

I should be an observational

comedian or a topical comic.

EMILY

I don't like this topic.

The girls go back to work, while Will continues to think

about the idea.

INT. HALLWAY – LATER

Will and Brian are walking down the hallway.

WILL

Where is your good old sister?

BRIAN

She'll start school in the next few

days. Today, she said she needed a

day to become emotional adept to

her new home.

INT. BRIAN'S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – SAME

Stacy is sitting on the couch, watching TV. In front of

her is a TV tray with food on it. While she eats, we can

hear a SOAP OPERA coming from the TV.

WOMAN (V/O)

I'll tell you why I stayed. It's

because I'm going to have your

child.

Stacy looks up.

STACY

Holy shit!

INT. HALLWAY – SAME

Will and Brian continue to walk.

WILL

Brian, I've been thinking. I think

I might want to become a stand-up

comedian.

BRIAN

Sounds weird. But it could work.

But how are you going to write

jokes?

WILL

Well...maybe you can write my jokes,

Brian. Do you still write?

BRIAN

Yeah and I've learned that the

only way to finish writing, is to

stop writing.

WILL

Why stop writing?

BRIAN

Because nobody reads.

(pause)

I wish school were stimulating.

WILL

Same here.

BRIAN

If school were stimulating, we'd be

prepared for the work-force by age

sixteen.

WILL

You don't think we'll be prepared?

BRIAN

Nah. I'll bet that everyone, even

Burger King -- the world's most

famous equal-opportunity employer

would rather hire a retarded

recovering-cocaine-addict, who

doesn't speak a word of English,

than to hire a student from this

un-stimulating school.

WILL

(laughing)

That's probably a good point.

Casey approaches.

CASEY

Hey. What are you guys doing here?

BRIAN

Stuff.

CASEY

Oh. Anyway, guess what: I wrote a

few comic pages, then showed them

to my sister; and she really liked

it a lot.

WILL

Really?

CASEY

Yeah.

BRIAN

Maybe you should show your comic to

someone who's older than your nine

year old sister, before you get too

over-confident, and full of

yourself.

CASEY

Good point. Thanks. I'll bring it

to the lunchroom tomorrow.

Casey exits.

EXT. STREET – NEXT MORNING

Casey has his backpack on and is quietly walking along

the sidewalk. After a few seconds, he stops. A small dog

appears in front of him. They begin to stare at each

other. The dog growls. Casey runs off, with the dog hot

on his trail.

INT. LUNCHROOM – NOON

Brian, Brock, Will, Reicther, and Joel, sit around a

table, eating and chatting. Casey walks up to the table

and sits down.

BRIAN

Hey, Casey. Did you bring the comic?

CASEY

This'll sound like a lame excuse,

but on my way to school this morning,

I dropped it, and a dog -- a fucking dog

-- actually ate it.

Everyone laughs.

REICTHER

I didn't think that it actually

happens.

Everyone laughs.

BRIAN

Weird.

CASEY

And because a dog ate it, I'm

giving up on that dream for now.

BRIAN

Really?

CASEY

Yeah. My focus should be on

schoolwork right now anyway.

BRIAN

Yeah.

EXT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Reicther exits -- holding a bottle of lemon juice -- and

begins drinking the juice, while walking home.

A MAN walks up to Reicther. He wears a hat and keeps his

hands over his face, so it's hard to see what he looks

like. He walks almost like he's drunk.

MAN

H-Hey, man!

Reicther backs up a little.

MAN

I need you...you to do something...

REICTHER

Hey, man back off.

MAN

I was just in an accident and –

Reicther throws his drink in the man's eye and runs off.

MAN

Son of a bitch! It's lemon

flavored!

CUT TO:

INT. LUNCHROOM – NOON

Brian, Brock, Will, Casey, Reicther, Chris, and Joel, sit

around a table, eating and chatting.

WILL

I mean it doesn't sound that bad of

an idea does it?

BROCK

You are a naturally funny guy.

CHRIS

You should be a stand-up comedian.

JOEL

Say something funny, Will!

WILL

(embarrassed)

Okay.

Pause.

WILL

These two guys are shopping for

their wives. The one husband buys

his wife a very expensive diamond

ring and fur mint coat. The other

husband buys his wife a rose and a

dildo. The first husband asks "why

did you get your wife a dildo?" and

the guy says "Because if she

doesn't like the flower she can go

fuck herself."

Some laughter.

REICTHER

Anything else?

WILL

When it comes to a permanent tattoo

of the F-word, placement is

everything.

Nothing.

WILL

I know that: the higher the floor, the

cleaner the public washrooms; it's

the law of reverse gravitational

fecal osmosis!

Nothing.

WILL

Bald guys are good leaders because

they OBVIOUSLY have a head on their

shoulders.

Nothing.

WILL

Okay...maybe I need more practice,

before I re-consider doing comedy.

INT. CASEY'S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Casey talks on the phone, to a WOMAN'S VOICE.

WOMAN'S VOICE

Casey, I read your comic book, and

I've made a decision.

CASEY

Is it good news, or bad news?

WOMAN

Well, Casey...you have a good eye

for distance and perspective.

CASEY

Thanks, really!

WOMAN

Yes, and your sequential

storytelling technique contains

perfect pacing!

CASEY

Great!

WOMAN

The backgrounds, anatomies, and

facial-expressions of your

characters, are...masterful!

CASEY

Thanks!

WOMAN

However, your art is derivative,

and your stories are common. I'm

passing. Sorry.

The phone call ends.

CASEY

Fuck.

CUT TO:

INT. ENGLISH CLASS – MORNING

Joel and Chris sit in the corner.

JOEL

I swear if I have to put up with

this Drake guy one more minute.

Drake enters, wearing an eye patch. Everyone seems

stunned, even Joel and Chris.

STUDENT 1

What happened?

DRAKE

I won't be able to teach you guys

today.

DEVIN

What happened man?

DRAKE

Well I was in an accident the other

night and when I was looking for

someone to help me this kid threw

some lemon juice in my eye. So I

can't see out of this eye.

Everyone begins to whisper.

CHRIS

Fucking kids these days.

FADE OUT.

END OF EPISODE

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