The Lunchroom - SimplyScripts
The Lunchroom
Episode 2x04
"COMICS AND COMEDIANS"
Written by
Alan Holman
and
Bruce Snyder
Story by
Alan Holman
Created by
Bruce Snyder
OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE:
Marvin Gaye's "Ain't That Peculiar" plays over the
credits. (Now with Stacy and Chris added.)
INT. HALLWAY – NOON
Will is making his way through the hallway toward the
lunchroom. Kirk appears behind Will, trying to catch up.
KIRK
Hey, Will.
WILL
Oh, hey Kirk.
Will stops. It's obvious that he doesn't want to be
there.
WILL
How's it going?
KIRK
Guess what I learned?
WILL
That drugs are bad and your going
to quit?
KIRK
(laughing)
No...not yet. That's funny. Anyway,
I learned that if you watch THE
WIZARD OF OZ, while listening to
PINK FLOYD's album THE DARK SIDE OF
THE MOON -- and if you begin both
at the same time, with the volume
down on the movie, and the volume
up on the music, it's really
fucking trippy!
WILL
Yeah that's great but I -
KIRK
I'm gonna look for other stuff like
that.
WILL
Well, Kirk. Have fun killing your
brain cells.
KIRK
I always do. See ya!
Both leave in different directions.
INT. LUNCHROOM – NOON
Brian, Brock, Casey, Reicther, Chris and Joel, sit
around a table. Each one has a big piece of chocolate in
front of them. Will quickly runs up and sits down.
WILL
What did I miss?
JOEL
(mouth full)
Reicther brought a giant chocolate
bunny.
WILL
Damn it! Anything left?
REICTHER
This bow.
Reicther hands him a bow tie. Will takes a bite.
WILL
Crap, it's not real.
CASEY
Remember when I said you all remind
me of Knights of the Round Table?
Everyone nods, except for Chris.
JOEL
If we were Knights of the Round
Table, Will would be wimpy Sir
Robin!
WILL
Me, wimpy? Never!
BRIAN
Yeah right. Which one would I be?
CASEY
You're Sir Galahad.
BRIAN
No, I'm not. I'm Brian!
BROCK
Who am I?
BRIAN
You're Brock, Brock.
CASEY
Brock -- you're the invincible Sir
Concord.
BROCK
Sounds good.
CASEY
And Reicther is King Arthur.
Everyone protests.
REICTHER
Silence knights!
Small laughter.
WILL
What the hell is this all about,
Casey?
CASEY
I'm planning to write a comic book
about this. About us as the Knights.
BROCK
Why?
CASEY
Because there are literally
hundreds of comic shops, in North
America, that sell independent
stuff by amateur artists.
BROCK
Hundreds?
CASEY
I could find them on-line, and mail
my comic to them, so they could
sell it on what they call
"consignment."
CHRIS
Would it work?
CASEY
Yes -- it would work; however, it'd
take a long time. And I'd need
more money. You know, some people
buy stuff BECAUSE it's independent.
WILL
You know actually, I think this bow
tastes like Smarties.
INT. ENGLISH CLASS – AFTERNOON
Joel and Chris sit in a back corner. A substitute
teacher, MR. DRAKE, presides over the class.
DRAKE
Your regular teacher couldn't make
it today. So I will be subbing.
The class begins to talk amongst their selves.
DRAKE
Okay everyone turn their grammar
books to page 324.
Drake looks over the class and notices a girl wearing a
shirt which reads "Bulldog Basketball."
DRAKE
Ah, I see that someone went to the
game. Anyone else see the game?
Everyone in the class now seem excited (except for Joel
and Chris.) They all begin to talk amongst themselves or
to Drake.
DRAKE
You know I was a Bulldog!
A jock, DEVIN ZOWSKI, sucks-up...
DEVIN
You look it, dude. I can totally
tell.
DRAKE
Thanks. Are you a Bulldog?
DEVIN
Naw. I'm trying out next year,
though.
DRAKE
You'll make it. You look like you
have potential.
Joel groans very loudly.
DRAKE
Well, it seems like someone sounds
annoyed.
JOEL
No sir, that was a grunt of
disappointment. When I let out an
annoying grunt out, you'll know.
Some of the class laughs. Drake smiles.
DRAKE
Are you the class clown?
JOEL
No.
DRAKE
Then why the irreverent noise?
JOEL
Because I want to participate, in
the class discussion, before it
becomes a yak fest between jocks.
DRAKE
How very noble of you.
JOEL
Thank you.
DRAKE
I used to be a class clown.
JOEL
Oh?
DRAKE
Yeah. I was your age, actually.
Then I somehow got fat during the
summer, and when I tried to lose
weight, I developed muscles. I
somehow, naturally got buff, and it
only took one summer, so then the
next year I joined the football
team, and that's how I went from
nerdy class-clown, to jock, in less
than a year.
CHRIS
Sir. What the hell was the point of
that?
DRAKE
My point is: this is a very
formative year for you. As soon as
next year, you can be someone
totally different than that person
whom you are today.
JOEL
(not really paying
attention)
Yeah, that sounds really scary.
DRAKE
Not necessarily scary. It could be
a good thing.
CHRIS
Oh.
DRAKE
Scary...heh. That word reminds me
of a ghost story -
JOEL
Hey, you can't tell a ghost story.
What about my dying desire to
learn? My burning need for
education?
Pause.
CHRIS
Anyway, Mr. Drake. Myself and Joel
have got an appointment with the...
DRAKE
(interrupting)
Let me guess: Audio-Visual Club?
JOEL
No.
DRAKE
Chess Club?
CHRIS
No.
DRAKE
Student Counsel?
CHRIS
No...but you're close. Wanna keep
guessing, or can Joel and I get
there on time?
DRAKE
Sure. Yeah. I believe you. Go. Have
fun with your...nerd stuff.
JOEL
We will.
Joel and Chris exit from the classroom.
INT. HALLWAY – AFTERNOON
Joel and Chris walk through the hallway.
JOEL
He called us nerds!
CHRIS
He calls it like he sees it.
INT. MATH CLASS – SAME
Will is sitting, writing in a notebook. Next to him, is
Rene and Emily who are working on their math.
WILL
I was just thinking.
EMILY
That's a first.
WILL
Do you think I have potential to
become a stand-up comedian?
They both laugh.
RENE
Well, it could happen.
EMILY
No. Don't be insane. You'd get
pelted with tomatoes.
WILL
The audience wouldn't pelt tomatoes
at me. I'd never bomb.
RENE
In that case, write some jokes.
WILL
I don't know. Too much work.
RENE
Without jokes, you'll get heckled.
EMILY
Hey, maybe you should be a
professional heckler!
WILL
I'll start now -- YOU SUCK!
RENE
That was a wonderful heckle!
WILL
I could get to like this! But maybe
I should be an observational
comedian or a topical comic.
EMILY
I don't like this topic.
The girls go back to work, while Will continues to think
about the idea.
INT. HALLWAY – LATER
Will and Brian are walking down the hallway.
WILL
Where is your good old sister?
BRIAN
She'll start school in the next few
days. Today, she said she needed a
day to become emotional adept to
her new home.
INT. BRIAN'S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – SAME
Stacy is sitting on the couch, watching TV. In front of
her is a TV tray with food on it. While she eats, we can
hear a SOAP OPERA coming from the TV.
WOMAN (V/O)
I'll tell you why I stayed. It's
because I'm going to have your
child.
Stacy looks up.
STACY
Holy shit!
INT. HALLWAY – SAME
Will and Brian continue to walk.
WILL
Brian, I've been thinking. I think
I might want to become a stand-up
comedian.
BRIAN
Sounds weird. But it could work.
But how are you going to write
jokes?
WILL
Well...maybe you can write my jokes,
Brian. Do you still write?
BRIAN
Yeah and I've learned that the
only way to finish writing, is to
stop writing.
WILL
Why stop writing?
BRIAN
Because nobody reads.
(pause)
I wish school were stimulating.
WILL
Same here.
BRIAN
If school were stimulating, we'd be
prepared for the work-force by age
sixteen.
WILL
You don't think we'll be prepared?
BRIAN
Nah. I'll bet that everyone, even
Burger King -- the world's most
famous equal-opportunity employer
would rather hire a retarded
recovering-cocaine-addict, who
doesn't speak a word of English,
than to hire a student from this
un-stimulating school.
WILL
(laughing)
That's probably a good point.
Casey approaches.
CASEY
Hey. What are you guys doing here?
BRIAN
Stuff.
CASEY
Oh. Anyway, guess what: I wrote a
few comic pages, then showed them
to my sister; and she really liked
it a lot.
WILL
Really?
CASEY
Yeah.
BRIAN
Maybe you should show your comic to
someone who's older than your nine
year old sister, before you get too
over-confident, and full of
yourself.
CASEY
Good point. Thanks. I'll bring it
to the lunchroom tomorrow.
Casey exits.
EXT. STREET – NEXT MORNING
Casey has his backpack on and is quietly walking along
the sidewalk. After a few seconds, he stops. A small dog
appears in front of him. They begin to stare at each
other. The dog growls. Casey runs off, with the dog hot
on his trail.
INT. LUNCHROOM – NOON
Brian, Brock, Will, Reicther, and Joel, sit around a
table, eating and chatting. Casey walks up to the table
and sits down.
BRIAN
Hey, Casey. Did you bring the comic?
CASEY
This'll sound like a lame excuse,
but on my way to school this morning,
I dropped it, and a dog -- a fucking dog
-- actually ate it.
Everyone laughs.
REICTHER
I didn't think that it actually
happens.
Everyone laughs.
BRIAN
Weird.
CASEY
And because a dog ate it, I'm
giving up on that dream for now.
BRIAN
Really?
CASEY
Yeah. My focus should be on
schoolwork right now anyway.
BRIAN
Yeah.
EXT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Reicther exits -- holding a bottle of lemon juice -- and
begins drinking the juice, while walking home.
A MAN walks up to Reicther. He wears a hat and keeps his
hands over his face, so it's hard to see what he looks
like. He walks almost like he's drunk.
MAN
H-Hey, man!
Reicther backs up a little.
MAN
I need you...you to do something...
REICTHER
Hey, man back off.
MAN
I was just in an accident and –
Reicther throws his drink in the man's eye and runs off.
MAN
Son of a bitch! It's lemon
flavored!
CUT TO:
INT. LUNCHROOM – NOON
Brian, Brock, Will, Casey, Reicther, Chris, and Joel, sit
around a table, eating and chatting.
WILL
I mean it doesn't sound that bad of
an idea does it?
BROCK
You are a naturally funny guy.
CHRIS
You should be a stand-up comedian.
JOEL
Say something funny, Will!
WILL
(embarrassed)
Okay.
Pause.
WILL
These two guys are shopping for
their wives. The one husband buys
his wife a very expensive diamond
ring and fur mint coat. The other
husband buys his wife a rose and a
dildo. The first husband asks "why
did you get your wife a dildo?" and
the guy says "Because if she
doesn't like the flower she can go
fuck herself."
Some laughter.
REICTHER
Anything else?
WILL
When it comes to a permanent tattoo
of the F-word, placement is
everything.
Nothing.
WILL
I know that: the higher the floor, the
cleaner the public washrooms; it's
the law of reverse gravitational
fecal osmosis!
Nothing.
WILL
Bald guys are good leaders because
they OBVIOUSLY have a head on their
shoulders.
Nothing.
WILL
Okay...maybe I need more practice,
before I re-consider doing comedy.
INT. CASEY'S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Casey talks on the phone, to a WOMAN'S VOICE.
WOMAN'S VOICE
Casey, I read your comic book, and
I've made a decision.
CASEY
Is it good news, or bad news?
WOMAN
Well, Casey...you have a good eye
for distance and perspective.
CASEY
Thanks, really!
WOMAN
Yes, and your sequential
storytelling technique contains
perfect pacing!
CASEY
Great!
WOMAN
The backgrounds, anatomies, and
facial-expressions of your
characters, are...masterful!
CASEY
Thanks!
WOMAN
However, your art is derivative,
and your stories are common. I'm
passing. Sorry.
The phone call ends.
CASEY
Fuck.
CUT TO:
INT. ENGLISH CLASS – MORNING
Joel and Chris sit in the corner.
JOEL
I swear if I have to put up with
this Drake guy one more minute.
Drake enters, wearing an eye patch. Everyone seems
stunned, even Joel and Chris.
STUDENT 1
What happened?
DRAKE
I won't be able to teach you guys
today.
DEVIN
What happened man?
DRAKE
Well I was in an accident the other
night and when I was looking for
someone to help me this kid threw
some lemon juice in my eye. So I
can't see out of this eye.
Everyone begins to whisper.
CHRIS
Fucking kids these days.
FADE OUT.
END OF EPISODE
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