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Mysterious Behavior Box2006 By Andrea L. ChapmanAll rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic or mechanical—including photocopying and recording, nor by any information storage and retrieval system without permission in writing from the publisher. All artwork is copyrighted.DisclaimerThis book is not to take the place of professional mental help, but to enhance your understanding of yourself. I encourage you to seek professional help if you find there are warning signs of prolonged mental problems with you or any of your family members. We are not to self-diagnose. Again, this information is simply to help you gain a better understanding of why you and your family do the things that you do.ISBN: _13 978-1-4141-0723-3ISBN: 10-4141-0723-4 Publishing Company Pleasant Word Illustration by: Maciej Zajac Graphic design: Printed in the United States of America INCLUDEPICTURE "" \* MERGEFORMATINET INCLUDEPICTURE "" \* MERGEFORMATINET INCLUDEPICTURE "" \* MERGEFORMATINET I dedicate this book in memory of my granddaughter Ozichi Favor Ogbonna who was with us a very short time, but had a profound impact on all of our lives. She will be missed. She brought love and joy to our family. INCLUDEPICTURE "" \* MERGEFORMATINET INCLUDEPICTURE "" \* MERGEFORMATINET INCLUDEPICTURE "" \* MERGEFORMATINET I also gratefully dedicate this book to my family, friends, editors, professors at Bowie State University, and the hundreds of students, and clients who have shared their experiences, philosophy, and views. They have challenged me to write this book in an easy-to-understand format because of their need to understand behavior. Most importantly, I give God thanks for giving me the courage to do something that is outside of my box.Letter to the ReaderI wrote Mysterious Behavior Box to help people understand interesting facts about their behavior and the behavior of their family. It is divided into two parts: part one, Mysterious Behavior of Individuals, and part two, Mysterious Behavior of Family. I do not use psychological terms, big words, or a lot of rhetoric to explain simple concepts. The format is simple, easy-to-read, and user-friendly. Most of the chapters begin with questions, statements, and scenarios that set the chapter’s pace and helps you, the reader, contemplate your answers regarding some of your issues as well as those of your family members. I use many of my own life’s experiences—pleasant, unpleasant, and humorous—so you can see that my understanding is from a professional level, and also from personal experience.When I began writing part two of this book on the family and the diversity of each family member, I wanted to abandon the project. I felt it would be too difficult trying to simplify something that is so complex? Writing a book that deals with family issues is more challenging than one dealing with individual issues. Understanding family dynamics is important, and presenting the right information to family members in an easy-to understand-format is vital. They will understand better their individual actions, which will improve their family’s quality of life. Some of the information in this book may be repeated several times to reinforce important points. However, this book is not a quick fix for your behavior. When people are overweight, they want a quick-fix weight-loss program. They forget that in some cases it took them years to gain the weight, and it will take them time to lose it. It is the same with your behavior; it will take time to change negative and unhealthy behavior.There may be professionals who do not agree with this book, and that is okay because I want you to be your own judge. It is my desire that when you finish reading this book you will begin, perhaps for the first time, to be honest with yourself, get to know yourself better, make changes in your life that will benefit you as well as others, and most importantly will help you get through many of your life’s experiences. In short, this book is written to help you become more aware of things about you and your family.Andrea L. Chapman571500449580 Special Features of Our Mysterious Behavior BoxEasy to readNo psychological termsVisual art (cartoon drawings, pictures, and photos)Stories to emphasize important pointsQuotes and proverbsSome of the author’s life experiences (her understanding of this issue is based on personal as well as professional experience)Short chaptersHands-on activities (an aid for self-improvement)CDs (for those who want to hear a voice and an added personal touch). CDs are ordered separately at or see the appendix for mailing or phone ordering. 00 Special Features of Our Mysterious Behavior BoxEasy to readNo psychological termsVisual art (cartoon drawings, pictures, and photos)Stories to emphasize important pointsQuotes and proverbsSome of the author’s life experiences (her understanding of this issue is based on personal as well as professional experience)Short chaptersHands-on activities (an aid for self-improvement)CDs (for those who want to hear a voice and an added personal touch). CDs are ordered separately at or see the appendix for mailing or phone ordering. 0000571500563880 Reading InstructionsMost people will read this book through from cover to cover the first time. And that is okay. For maximum benefit read Mysterious Behavior Box one chapter at a time.At the beginning of each chapter is a quote or proverb—read more than once because there is a very important message there for you. Also at the beginning of each chapter is an art designed for your review—a picture is worth a thousand words. There is a special message just for you.Most of the chapters conclude with the Mysterious Behavior Actions and Activity Time feature to encourage self-evaluation. Be honest with yourself. Do one exercise at a time. Contemplate and review the exercises before writing your answers. In some cases you may stop at one question. In other cases you may want to talk to relatives or someone who has your best interest in mind to help you understand and organize your thoughts. I use some words interchangeably—brain, behavior box, mind, box, mysterious behavior box—all meaning the same thing, your thought processes. 00 Reading InstructionsMost people will read this book through from cover to cover the first time. And that is okay. For maximum benefit read Mysterious Behavior Box one chapter at a time.At the beginning of each chapter is a quote or proverb—read more than once because there is a very important message there for you. Also at the beginning of each chapter is an art designed for your review—a picture is worth a thousand words. There is a special message just for you.Most of the chapters conclude with the Mysterious Behavior Actions and Activity Time feature to encourage self-evaluation. Be honest with yourself. Do one exercise at a time. Contemplate and review the exercises before writing your answers. In some cases you may stop at one question. In other cases you may want to talk to relatives or someone who has your best interest in mind to help you understand and organize your thoughts. I use some words interchangeably—brain, behavior box, mind, box, mysterious behavior box—all meaning the same thing, your thought processes. 0000CONTENTSPart I –Mysterious Behavior of IndividualsChapter 1IntroductionWhat Is Your Mysterious Behavior BoxChapter 2What Influences What Is In My Mysterious Behavior BoxHereditary Traits Physical AppearanceCharacterPersonalityPeople As ControllersSpousePeople Who Don’t Like YouChildrenDeceased Loved OnesTraumatic Events With PeopleChapter 3People With Mysterious BehaviorHow Did These Things Get Into Your BoxWhy Do You Allow These Things To Get Into Your BoxChapter 4Skeletons In Your Mysterious Behavior BoxChapter 5Treasures In Your Mysterious Behavior BoxChapter 6Box OverloadChapter 7Do We Ever Come Out of Our Mysterious Behavior Box Chapter 8Box RepairStay AlertAccept or RejectJournalChapter 9Spiritual Box Part II Mysterious Behavior of FamilyChapter 1 IntroductionChapter 2 What is the Mysterious Family Behavior Box?Chapter 3 The Complexity/Dynamics of the Mysterious Family Behavior BoxChapter 4 The Right’s of Each Family MemberChapter 5 Married Couples’ Mysterious BehaviorChapter 6 Mysterious Divorce BoxChapter 7 Children’s Mysterious Behavior Box Chapter 8 The Mystery of ForgivingChapter 9 Mysterious Communication Chapter 10 Mending the Family AgainEpilogue 457200563880 Part IMysterious Behavior of Individuals00 Part IMysterious Behavior of Individuals5715005478780“The life which is unexamined is not worth living”—Plato00“The life which is unexamined is not worth living”—Plato0000Chapter 1Mysterious Brain1089660103759000Introduction “Stop yelling!” “I wasn’t yelling. I am talking a little louder than usual.” “You are yelling. You act just like your mother.”“Oh really! And you act just like your father.” “One thing I promised myself is that I would never treat my children the way my mother or grandmother treated me.” “Mom, I hate to be the one to break the news, but that is one promise you have broken.” “Auntie Sue, I will never marry anyone like my alcoholic father”(and yourhusband is a social drinker). “Why can’t she stop eating? She is as big as a house.” Do you find the statements above unnerving? Drug use, sexual desires, lying, dishonesty, sharing, humor, spirituality, fear, love for gossip, forgiveness, lack of forgiveness, jealousy, hate, love, are some of the many things we might find in our mysterious behavior box. But why are they there, and how did they get there? You are about to get a glimpse of what may be in your box. Why is it so important to know what is in your box? The more you know the better equipped you are to fight against your greatest enemy—you. I am sure you will find this book helpful and very enlightening.What Is Your Mysterious Behavior Box?The mysterious behavior box is you, namely what goes on in your brain and how you process that information. For example, Sue Henderson is washing dishes when her husband comes home. “Where is my dinner?” he asks. “I didn’t have time to fix dinner, but it will be ready in one hour,” she replies. Cursing and physical abuse followed. “You will never amount to anything,” he said. I am going to leave him this time, she thinks to herself. I have a good job and make more money then he does—I don’t have to take this. But she doesn’t leave. She stays year after year. Why? Someone asked her why she allows herself to be abused repeatedly abused, especially since she has the choice to leave. “You are harming yourself and you are very unhappy,” stated a friend. “What about the children? Leave for their sake,” commented another friend. Sue’s answer was always, “I don’t know. I wonder myself, why I keep allowing the same harmful things to happen repeatedly. I guess that is just the way I am and always will be. That is the way things have to be.” Sue’s decision to stay or leave her husband, and his decision to mistreat her was processed first in the brain. When you notice people doing things that you consider strange, it is because they, like Sue Henderson, are operating in their comfort zone or their own private logic. This comfort zone is not necessarily a cozy place to be, but a place of familiarity. It can be a place where little changes are necessary. Most of us do not like change, even if it is good for us. When someone discusses a personal problem with you, you may think that the solution is simple, a no brainier, like Sue’s. But what seems like a no brainier to you may be very difficult for them. It depends on what’s in their mysterious behavior box.The mysterious behavior box is a place where many activities take place. Some are active (we do these things without much thought), while others are dormant (and remain that way until we activate them). You can say the box is your total personality, character, and behavior. As you read this book, you may begin to think differently as I reveal some very interesting facts about you. Keep an open mind. 1120140842010 Chapter 2“In the moment of decision the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best things is to do the wrong thing and the worst thing you can do is nothing”—Theodore Roosevelt.00 Chapter 2“In the moment of decision the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best things is to do the wrong thing and the worst thing you can do is nothing”—Theodore Roosevelt.041529000 Influences! Influences! Influences!Hereditary Trait?Do or did your parents have high blood pressure? Does anyone in your family have diabetes? Is there mental illness in your family? Why do doctors ask such questions about the health and mental status of your relatives? How does this relate to your physical and mental health?Specific genes determine heredity, and I believe that we inherit certain traits. Many of these traits are passed on from our parents or other relatives—a genetic code of information from our heritage—including our physical appearance, health, character, and personality. If you look hard enough in your box you may find some very interesting positive or negative inherited traits. In this chapter, I will discuss certain aspects of your appearance, your character, and your personality, as they relate to your heritage. I will also discuss people and how they relate to your behavior. These four areas are the ones that most influence your ability to handle life’s situations. As you continue to read this book, you will discover more. Take time to process each area. Allow your mind to reflect and contemplate your past, present, and future. Some of the things you may find in your box are humorous, exciting and wonderful. Some are frightening doubtful, and unbelievable. As I wrote earlier, keep an open mind. Grow and make changes for a better you. Physical AppearancesWithout getting too technical, let’s just say, genes exist that specify certain characteristics. For example, there is a gene for height, a gene for facial structure, a gene for body shape, a gene for weight, and a gene for eye color. Physical traits affect what is in your mysterious behavior box—traits passed from generation to generation. For example, your mother may say you have eyes just like your grandfather. You wonder why one of your five children has red hair, especially since neither you nor their father has red hair. So why is your child a red head? Your mother reminded you that her grandmother had red hair. You look at a picture of your great-grandmother and you’re surprised at the resemblance. Surely, you have no problem understanding physical traits being passed on from one generation to the next.If you think appearance is not a problem, in her book The Beauty Myth (Anchor Book, 1992), Naomi Wolf wrote “the typical model or actress is significantly below what the medical establishment has considered a healthy body weight. The desire to look like a model or actress has contributed to what could be termed an outbreak in eating disorders among females.” Wolf warns that “1 out of 10 college women develops an eating disorder while in college, but the desire to be thin, for many girls, often starts as early as age eight.” The media highlights a trend in men’s body care—hair color, skin care products and cologne. Cosmetic surgery among men and women is becoming a billion dollar industry. They complain about their noses being too wide, lips being too big or too thin, breast too small or too large, and faces too wrinkled. This is something to think about.Like it or not, your physical traits may have positive or negative effects on your behavior. For example, let’s say you inherited your father’s big nose and pink lips and people make fun of your appearance. You will do one of two things, accept or reject who you are. If you reject your appearance, you may become very shy and withdrawn or loud and angry. On the other hand, if you accept your appearance, you will become confident and positive.Then again, you may be cursed by beauty. Cursed you say? Yes, cursed by beauty because it may make you proud, arrogant, and egotistical. I’m sure you have met people who are physically beautiful with ugly characteristics. In addition, you have met people who were considered physically unattractive but are warm and personable. Who has the right to decide who is beautiful? After all, isn’t beauty in the eyes of the beholder?You may have inherited beautiful physical features from one of your parents. However, if you have strong negative feelings about that parent, you may hate the way you look. If you have a child that gets upset when told that he or she resembles their father, you may want to find out why he or she reacts that way. If you are continually angry with one of your children (let’s say it’s your son), and you make negative remarks about him, maybe you should evaluate your attitude. Does he resemble his father whom you hate?Note: If you don’t know your biological parent, that’s all right. When you look in the mirror you can safely say that you look like one of them or some other blood relative. I have some of my mother’s features, and I have been told that I look a lot like my biological father whom I never knew.Physical appearance influences your behavior.Mysterious Behavior Action and Activity TimeWrite down some physical traits that you know you have inherited from a parent or another relative and identify that individual, for example a large nose from your father.If you don’t know any of your relatives, that’s okay. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Write down some of the physical traits that you like about yourself. Do you know why you like these traits?________________________________Why?________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Why? _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Why? _____________________________Write down some of the physical traits that you don’t like about yourself.Do you know why you don’t like these traits? Write down your answer.________________________________Why? _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Why? _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Why? _____________________________The Moment of Truth. Look at yourself—it is very important to be honest with yourself.Reflecting and Contemplating. How has your appearance affected your behavior? Answer these questions truthfully.How do you feel about your physical appearance?Has your appearance altered your behavior in any way?If your appearance has altered your behavior in a negative way, what are you going to do about it? 1828800-68008500 Be proud of who you are.If need be, look for ways to improve your appearance without going overboard (cosmetic surgery).Changing how you dress may be a way of solving your problem. A clothing consultant may be helpful. If you can't afford a consultant, search the Internet or a bookstore to find information on appropriate dress.List the things that you don't like about your appearance and find ways to improve. Cosmetics may be helpful in cases of facial flaws.5. Talk to a skin care consultant.Write down several things you have learned about physical appearance.CharacterThere are several definitions of character. It is the collection of individual emotions and behavior that makes one person different from another. Tim LaHaye, in his book Spirit Controlled Temperament, gives these definitions: “It is the result of your natural temperament modified by childhood training, education, and basic attitudes, beliefs, principles, and motivations; it is sometimes referred to as the soul of a person, which is made up of the mind, emotion, and will.” I love the way LaHaye further describes it in his book: “It is what you are when there is no one else around.” Character is the combination of the environment and heredity.Where does this distinctive quality, moral or ethical strength come from? Distinctive character can go either way—positive or negative. Your choice helps you to develop into a person of high moral value or a person with negative moral values. In other words, your character is who you are. Every time you choose to tell a lie, and continue to lie, what trait of character are you displaying? You are a liar. If you choose to be trustworthy, what trait of character are you displaying? Trustworthiness. These are by choice. Do you think that you have inherited character traits?My sister Brenda and I have hospitality traits from our grandmother Sarah (we call her BaBa). She loved to entertain. We both drive our husbands crazy with our zeal to do for others, entertain, and plan social events. My Mom says we act just like her mother did. It used to drive my mother crazy. We just can’t help ourselves—we love it. Since it’s a positive thing, we keep this trait active in our mysterious behavior box. If you are brave enough, ask someone about your character. Don’t be surprised about the response. People don’t always tell the truth.Review the chart on character traits on the next page. You will need to know the one that best describes you in the next exercise.CHARACTER TRAITSThere are Other Traits Not ListedHonestCovertly RebelliousDishonestAdventurousSelfishIndustriousUnselfishAgreeableBraveDisagreeableFearfulRespectfulConceitedDisrespectfulHumbleConsiderateDemandingInconsiderateThoughtfulResponsibleThoughtlessIrresponsibleSeriousEnergeticLaid-backLazyCourageousMessyControllingNeatCharmingOptimistReservedPessimistFriendlyIntrovertOvertly RebelliousExtrovertMysterious Behavior Action and Activity TimeWrite down some of your character traitsReview the list on the previous pagePOSTIVE TRAITSNEGATIVE TRAITS______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Write down some character traits you inherited from your parents or other relatives and identify that relative. Write down behavior charactertics you got from your caregivers even though they are not related to you biologically. For example, Father: temper, Auntie Brenda: giving spiritPositive traits________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Negative traits_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Write down character traits that you got from your environment (external influences--people). Ask yourself how and why? For example, your friend steals—how did you start stealing and why did you start stealing? A friend as a high achiever--why did you become a high achiever?________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________The Moment of Truth. Look at yourself—be honest with yourself.Reflecting and Contemplating. Look at your positive and negative character traits. Answer these questions truthfully.Do you find yourself doing things you thought you would never do?Are some of your behaviors affecting those you love, as well as others? Do you want to serve others?Do you find yourself lying more than usual?Do you like making people laugh?Are you the kind of person that must be in control? Do you like confrontation?Do you find yourself playing games with people’s minds?What is your work ethic like?Do you love giving? Do you know what it is to love? Do you like working for the underdogs, sometimes called the losers?Have you let your environment influence your decision-making?1828800000 Make a list of some very important questions you need to ask yourself about your character.Prioritize your list of negative and positive characteristics that have affected your relationship with others.How have these charactertics affected you?Seek ways to increase your positive charactertics so they can override the negative ones. Do you need to seek professional help?Write down several things you have learned about character . ................
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