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How to Edit with Student ExamplesI’ve taken some excerpts from your essays and I’ve revised them to show you what steps you can take.While there are many ways to edit, here are my basic steps:Are there any sentences that negate my ethos, logos, or pathos? i.e., Is there any sentence that doesn’t make sense or doesn’t belong?What sentences can I combine? Take two, three, or more sentences and attempt to reword them so that you combine the ideas into one.Where are my passive sentences? Remember how you can tell it’s passive? Add “by zombies” at the end of any sentence and if it makes sense, it’s passive.Where are my vague words? These include filler phrases such as “quite,” “virtually,” “practically,” and almost every adverb. Filler phrases include “due to the fact,” “in order to,” etc. If you reword your sentences, you can eliminate these filler phrases and not lose anything from your essay.Add concrete words and language! I know you’re thinking, “Wait a minute, aren’t we eliminating words?” And the answer is yes and no. Repeat after me: Keep it simple yet significant. Keep it simple yet significant.Concrete language does not equal more words! Concrete language means using the right word. It means using language the jumps from the page. Language that is precise and vivid.Remember this for the rest of your lives! Ok, so look at these student examples.Example #1: Literacy Narrative/Autoethnography Original Paragraph: As soon as I entered his office, I saw this tall man with glasses and abnormally huge feet. The office looked like a stereotypical white colored office with wooden floors. On his desk were some papers scattered around. There were two small couches facing each other. When we sat down on the comfortable couch, he said, “Hello beautiful, what’s your name?” At that very moment, I felt so comfortable. (69 words)Revised Paragraph with Markings: Red means delete those words. Blue are words that I added. Green is for the concrete words I added. Light Blue is for any commentary or explanation I give.As soon as I entered his office, I saw this tall man with glasses and abnormally huge feet. The office was looked like a stereotypically white colored office with wooden floors. On his desk were sSome papers were scattered on the mahogany desk around. There were two small brown leather couches facing each other. There was a tall man with glasses and abnormally huge feet. When we sat down on the comfortable couch, he said, “Hello beautiful, what’s your name?” At that very moment, I felt so comfortable. I can’t quite remember how the office looked because I was so focused on talking to the kind gentleman (This last sentence negates everything the author just said, so just delete because it’s confusing).Revised Paragraph with No MarkingsThe office was stereotypically white with wooden floors. Some papers were scattered on the mahogany desk. There were two small brown leather couches facing each other. There was a tall man with glasses and abnormally huge feet. When we sat down he said, “Hello beautiful, what’s your name?” At that very moment, I felt comfortable. (55 words out of 69)Example #2: Literacy Narrative/Autoethnography Original ParagraphI remember the first day of my senior year as if it were yesterday. I felt such a relief knowing I just needed one more year in a five-story building that felt like prison. That five story building was Bravo High School. My motivation to wake up every morning was the fact that I was going to graduate soon. I had such a negative attitude towards school, but slowly that began to change. I knew my transition from high school to college was going to be tough and this was going to be the first step to growing up. (99 words)Revised Paragraph with MarkingsI remember the first day of my senior year as if it were yesterday. I was felt such a relief relieved knowing I just needed one more year in a five-story building that felt like prison--Bravo High School. That five story building was Bravo High School. Every morning I was motivated because I would graduate soon. My motivation to wake up every morning was the fact that I was going to graduate soon. I had such a negative attitude towards school, but slowly that began to change. I knew my transition from high school to college was going to be tough and this was going to be the first step to growing up.Revised with No MarkingsI remember the first day of my senior year as if it were yesterday. I was relieved knowing I just needed one more year in a five-story building that felt like prison--Bravo High School. Every morning I was motivated because I would graduate soon. I had a negative attitude towards school, but that began to change. I knew my transition from high school to college was going to be tough and this was the first step to growing up. (80 out of 99 words)Example #3: Argumentative PaperOriginal Paragraphs:The answer is absolutely not. When the DNA sequence is changed in any life whatsoever it will create a chemical reaction. By doing so it can cause allergic reaction, and even some cases death by whomever consumes it.The next reason we must look at is what sort of impact does it have on the wildlife around it. When some of these GMO’s interacted with the animals it was devastating to the environment surrounding it. In fact in 2011 the phenomenon in which five thousand birds died was directly attributed to GMO’s in Arkansas. Also in this year there was a study done to show how GMO’s affect the deer and local wildlife in the mountainous in Minnesota. It showed that many deer’s were getting sick due to the GMO’s found in the local mountains. They somehow got into a closed off field that supported GMO’s and became ill because of it. It shows that no matter how far you go the wildlife will always find a way to obtain the GMO’s from their environment. (175 words)Revised Paragraphs with Markings:The answer is absolutely not. When the DNA sequence is changed in any life whatsoever it will create a chemical reaction (passive voice). A chemical reaction occurs when scientists change the DNA sequence of any life (I am assuming that the people doing the action are scientists; the original sentence is passive because no one is doing the action of the sentence). Therefore, By those who consume altered food may experience doing so, it can cause an allergic reaction, and even in some cases even death by whomever consumes it.Furthermore, The next reason we must look at is what sort of impact does it have on the wildlife around it? Wwhen some of these GMO’s interacted with the animals, the environment suffered it was devastating to the environment surrounding it. In fact in 2011, the phenomenon in which five thousand birds died, and this phenomenon was directly attributed to GMO’s in Arkansas. Also in this In the same year, there was the results of a study done to showed how GMO’s affect the deer and local wildlife in the mountainous in Minnesota. It showed that many deer’s were getting sick due to the GMO’s found in the local mountains of Minnesota (Here I combined two sentences into one). They somehow got The deer wandered into a closed off field that supported GMO’s, and they became ill because of it from consuming the vegetation. Conclusively or What this (either option works) It shows that no matter how far GMOs are planted, you go the wildlife are still in danger will always find a way to obtain the GMO’s from their environment. Revised Paragraph Without Markings:The answer is absolutely not. A chemical reaction occurs when scientists change the DNA sequence of any life. Therefore, those who consume altered food may experience an allergic reaction and in some cases even death.Furthermore, when some GMOs interacted with animals, the environment suffered. In fact in 2011, five thousand birds died, and this phenomenon was attributed to GMOs in Arkansas. In the same year, the results of a study showed that many deer were getting sick due to GMOs found in the local mountains of Minnesota. The deer wandered into a closed off field that supported GMOs, and they became ill from consuming the vegetation. Conclusively, this shows that no matter how far GMOs are planted, wildlife are still in danger. (123 out of 175)Example #4: Argumentative PaperOriginal Paragraph:More than ninety percent of the population uses an animal product. Farms are about exploitation of the weak by the small. Shawn Monson stated in his documentary Earthlings that “more than 10,000 times a minute, in excess of 6 billion times a year, just in the US, life is literally drained from so called food animals.” This quote shows how animals are thrown away for their meat. Some disagree about their involvement because of kosher meat. Others would say that the kosher industry is the most inhumane. Cows are branded, dehorned, and females are impregnated consistently to produce milk. Cows live from 18-20 years and milking cows only live 3-4 years. Veal is made from a calf underdeveloped. Cows also experience electrocution, have their blood drained, and steamed. They are normally alive during the process and the same goes for pigs. However, pigs deal with cannibalism and filthier conditions. Like pigs, chickens are thrown on top of each other during transportation. Chickens are beaten and receive broken bones. There is no difference between free range and caged chickens. Farms get inspected from the FDA but the FDA will not report inhumane slaughter. Animals go through pain with no aesthetics to save factories money and provide people with food. Vegans save at least one hundred farm animals a year. (218 words)Revised Paragraph with Markings:More than ninety percent of the population uses an animal product. Farms are about exploitation of the weak by the small. (These two earlier sentences are not related to what comes next. Use it later when appropriate.) Shawn Monson stated in his documentary Earthlings that “more than 10,000 times a minute, in excess of 6 billion times a year, just in the US, life is literally drained from so called food animals.” This quote shows how aAnimals are thrown away discarded (eliminate two words by replacing it with one that means the same thing) for their meat. While Ssome disagree about their involvement because of kosher meat. O,others would say that the kosher industry is the most inhumane. Cows are branded, dehorned, and females are impregnated consistently to produce milk. Cows live from 18-20 years and milking cows only live 3-4 years., and Vveal is made from an underdeveloped calf underdeveloped. Cows also experience electrocution, have their blood drained, and steamed. They are normally alive during the process and the same goes for as are pigs. However, pigs deal with cannibalism and filthier conditions. (Make new paragraph because too many animals are being discussed at once) Additionally, Like pigs, chickens, like pigs, are thrown on top of each other during transportation causing them to get broken bones and other injuries. Chickens are beaten and receive broken bones. What is equally disturbing is the misconception of free range and caged chickens—T there is no difference between free range and caged chickens (Insert more details about what the different is supposed to be and why that’s not true). Even though Ffarms get inspected from the FDA, but the FDA will not report inhumane slaughter (Explain why not). Animals go through pain with no aesthetics to save factories money and provide people with food. Vegans save at least one hundred farm animals a year. (These last two sentences don’t explain or support the claims. Develop the argument further before concluding.)Revised Paragraph without Marks:Shawn Monson stated in his documentary Earthlings that “more than 10,000 times a minute, in excess of 6 billion times a year, just in the US, life is literally drained from so called food animals.” Animals are discarded for their meat. While some disagree about their involvement because of kosher meat,others would say that the kosher industry is the most inhumane. Cows are branded, dehorned, and females are impregnated consistently to produce milk. Cows live from 18-20 years and milking cows only live 3-4 years., and veal is made from an underdeveloped calf. Cows also experience electrocution, have their blood drained, and steamed. They are normally alive during the process as are pigs. However, pigs deal with cannibalism and filthier conditions. Additionally, chickens, like pigs, are thrown on top of each other during transportation causing them to get broken bones and other injuries. What is equally disturbing is the misconception of free range and caged chickens—there is no difference. Even though farms get inspected, the FDA will not report inhumane slaughter. (172 out of 218)Example #5: Rhetorical AnalysisOriginal ParagraphsThe soldiers’ emotional and physical pain relates to real life. About 171,000 veterans of Iraq and Afghanistan suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). PTSD and brain injuries are “the signature injuries of these wars” (Soto). PTSD is “equally as intense as an amputation or burn,” (Soto) and can be life-threatening. Veterans “are twice more likely to commit suicide than their civilian counterparts,” (Soto) and 18 American veterans kill themselves every day.The advertisement does a good job at making its argument. It portrays Uncle Sam as a frustrated soldier. The fact that many of the soldiers away at war want to return home is clearly stated and gives the advertisement emotion. Without adequate emotion, the advertisement would not have had as much meaning. (123 words)Revised Paragraphs with MarkingsThe soldiers’ emotional and physical pain relates to real life (This is a filler sentence because it’s too vague). About 171,000 veterans of Iraq and Afghanistan suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). PTSD and brain injuries, which are “the signature injuries of these wars” (Soto). According to Soto, PTSD is intensive and life-threatening just like suffering a physical injury “equally as intense as an amputation or burn,” (Soto) and can be life-threatening (There is no need to quote that section by Soto because it’s a quote general enough to explain in your own words). In fact, Vveterans commit suicide at double the rate of civilians. “are twice more likely to commit suicide than their civilian counterparts,” (Soto) and 18 Eighteen American veterans kill themselves every day.In Tthe advertisement, does a good job at making its argument. It Uncle Sam is a frustrated soldier. The fact that Since many of the soldiers away at war want to return home, the advertisement portrays that emotion by showing the (insert how the picture achieves this) is clearly stated and gives the advertisement emotion. Therefore, Wwithout an effective use of pathos adequate emotion, the advertisement would not have had an impact had as much meaning. (Vague and confusing to follow. Use more concrete language and explain how the message achieves this.) Revised Paragraph without MarkingsAbout 171,000 veterans of Iraq and Afghanistan suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and brain injuries, which are “the signature injuries of these wars” (Soto). According to Soto, PTSD is intensive and life-threatening just like suffering a physical injury. In fact, veterans commit suicide at double the rate of civilians. Eighteen American veterans kill themselves every day.In the advertisement, Uncle Sam is a frustrated soldier. Since many soldiers at war want to return home, the advertisement portrays that emotion by showing the (insert how the picture achieves this). Therefore, without an effective use of pathos the advertisement would not have had an impact. (Approximately 104 out of 123)Overall, not every part of your essay may need a deep revision; sometimes, your ideas are actually lacking and you need to insert and develop that first before cutting things out. Focus on what will make your paper rhetorically effective. ................
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