Sales 101 - SimplyScripts
Sales 101
An Original Script
By Gregg A. Napoli
FADE IN:
EXT. RUSH HOUR DOWNTOWN CLEVELAND, OHIO.
It’s about 6:30pm and about 95 degrees outside and they haven’t moved a foot in about 20 minutes. Joey drives a truck that makes Sanford and Sons look like a hummer. Its urine colored and painted metallic to hide the rust. There is no air condition and the radio doesn’t work.
Depth
Joey I am not feeling very good, I think I have to dute?
Joey
Dude, you are going to have to hold it, we are in the middle of rush hour and there is no place for you to go!
Depth
Joey I can’t last another five seconds, I am ready to let it go?
Joey
You do it and I will fucking Kill you!
You have some major stomach problems man. Didn’t you know you had to go when we left? Marijuana is really messing you up bro.
Depth
I am going Joey, OH YA, OH YA.
Depth takes a shit in Joey’s truck and it is all over the place and it’s starting to smell.
Joey
You fucking asshole, what the fuck!
Joey Starts to gag and vomits all over himself and then so does Depth from seeing Joey.
EXT. TWO HOURS LATER.
They are still stuck in traffic; they look horrible they are sitting in their own waste staring straight ahead and sweating profusely.
Joey
This is unreal, I am sitting in your shit, I have puke all over me and we haven’t moved in three fucking hours.
Depth
Bro it can get worse, your gas light is on.
Joey
OH shit, we need to get off the freeway right now. The light comes on like a mile before I run out of gas.
Depth
Dude this is a really bad area, and look at us, we have shit and barf on us we are going to get killed.
Joey
What else you want me to do, drive till we run out of gas and hitchhike? Who is going to pick us up? You have shit all over your back and is that fucking corn on the seat?
Depth
Ya.
They slowly pull off the freeway and make a few wrong turns and get gas and make another wrong turn. They are smack dab in the middle of the ghetto.
EXT. DUSK ALL BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD.
They see a black guy on the corner and pull over to ask for directions.
Depth
Joey you sure you want to pull over?
Joey
Hey Dude, can you help us we are lost man.
Guy on the corner
Where do you need to go, you know what I am sayin
Joey
Yes, I know what your saying
Guy on the corner
Where are you trying to get too you know what I am sayin, and you guys smell like shit do you know what I am sayin
Joey
Ya I know what your saying
Guy on corner
What is this whose on first mother fucker you know what I am saying?
Joey
I know what your saying.
Guy
Yo Cracker you fuckin with me you know what I am sayin!
Depth covers Joey’s mouth.
Depth
Dude shut the Hell up DO YOU KNOW WHAT I am saying
Guy on the corner
You best get the fuck out of here before I put a gat in your head you know what I am saying
Joey and Depth
(together)
We know what you’re saying.
Joey and Depth pull away and drive off to get back on the right road home.
Depth
Joey that was fucked up man
Joey
I know he wanted to know if I understood him and then got upset.
EXT. JOEYS DRIVEWAY
Joey pulls up to the house and opens the door. He walks in his house.
Joey
Leslie I am home… where is everyone?
Leslie
I am upstairs changing the baby, can you check on Alexa she is in our room. She has been very quiet.
Joey walks to there room and opens the door. He is horrified because Alexa is stomping paint balls all over there carpet like you would stomp grapes.
Joey
Holy shit Alexa what the hell are you doing? Leslie, Alexa got into my paint balls there all over the god dam place.
Leslie
(shouting)
Well clean it up.
Joey
(under his breath)
This is messed up man. I need to clean me up and my fucking car.
Blackout:
The opening credits shows a person typing on their computer using map quest. They are typing the address of Ralph Naples house. Once the typing is complete using the typist’s original location as the starting point. The camera zooms in close and show a car driving on the screen from the person typing destination to the Naples house as the car gets closer to The Naples house, the Car speeds up and
Drives up to Ralph’s front door and stops at the door.
EXT. RALPH NAPLES FRONT DOOR
Guy standing at the door with balloons.
Door knocker/delivery (excited)
Hi, I am Steve from Inflatable images; I’m dropping off the balloons you ordered for tomorrow.
Ralph
Thank you, you can put them all right by the dining room table, thanks.
Door knocker/delivery guy
Very well, its already been paid for. Have a wonderful party. Thank you for Using Inflatable images.
Ralph
(Shuts door)
Thank you, have a nice evening.
INT. NIGHT NAPLES HOUSE
Family is getting ready for Peri’s birthday party. Peri is the Naples’s 6 year old daughter and they are preparing for the families to come over and celebrate. Ralph Naples’s son is having a sleep over with some of his friends.
Ralph
Hey Cory, PROMISE ME, look in my eyes that you will behave tonight! It’s your sister’s party tomorrow bud and we don’t want any problems.
Gabbish. YOU will not have a sleep over ever again! With everything going on your mother didn’t want this little party. It’s both our asses if you mess up. GOT IT!
Cory
No problem Dad, just me Danny and Kevin. We got a few movies and video games. Don’t sweat it. We will be as quiet as a mute pop.
INT. CORYS BEDROOM EVENING
Cory’s room is in the basement and he has a few boys over and is plotting fun for the night
Cory
(Devilish grin)
Gentleman, are we ready for an evening of fun and hyjinx! We have all of our stuff correct? Danimal would you do me the honors and please read from our checklist.
Danny aka danimal
Sir yes sir, we have one dozen farm fresh eggs, very plump tomatoes, and three bags of dog shit courtesy of Maxxie boy. And two ply toilet paper because one ply just isn’t enough.
Cory
Well boys, we wait for the nut jobs upstairs to go to bed and we are ready to go. All in say I.
Friends
I, hey Cory who are we egging?
Cory
(Smiling, laughing)
Glad you should ask my friend. (Long Pause) My neighbors right across the street.
Danny
Are you insane, your parents will see us and that is way to balzy. I just got out of my grounding from the last sleep over dude. I can’t go back to grounding. My girlfriend dumped me for bed head aka (Justin) man.
Cory
Yes it is. Or is it so sane that it blows your mind. Think about it my friends, who would have the balls to trash the house right across the street. (We have those balls) Also, I hate those people, and they hate us and its go time! Check your pants for balls and let’s go.
Friends
Dude, they are going to know its you. Remember when we put marshmallow cream on their car, and it froze. They put cameras up and watched your
house. I bet they still have them up. Way too risky man.
Cory
Did we get caught?
Friends
No.
Cory
Exactly. That was classic wasn’t it. Marshmallow cream on a Lexus. Yummy.
Blackout:
Ext.Flashback
Back to the time they put the marshmallow on the car and seeing them go the car the next morning.
Cory
Grow some or go upstairs and have a sleep over with my 6 year old sister. Who is in?
Friends
We are in dude. Is that all we are doing?
Cory
(Hands to chin and ponders)
I have 30 bucks for any of you that will go to Old Mr. Asspants house, dress up in my sisters Halloween costume and go trick or treating to his house and five other houses that we hand pick. A little fear factor if you will.
Friends
Halloween is over Cory.
Cory
Exactly dumbshit. Who has the guts? I pick the houses.
Friend
So I have to dress up as a goddamm tellitubbie and go trick or treating?
Cory
Yes, you will be a legend I promise. Imagine when word gets out. You will have more women than me after you.
EXT. OUTSIDE EVENING
One of Cory’s friends have his Halloween costume on. The go trick or treating first. Then do the egging.
Scenes of the trick or treating and finally the egging, and toilet papering the house. As they try to egg, they drop the eggs, they fall and make a mess and leave a trail to the Naples house. They come back and sneak in and Cory is a bit cold so he turns the heat up to the highest degree on the thermostat.
INT. NEXT MORNING NAPLES HOUSE
Ralph wakes up soaked in sweat, he looks over to his wife Rene and she is sweating too. He goes down stairs and the windows are steamed. He looks at the thermostat and freaks out.
Ralph
(Pissed)
What the HELL, that kid. CORY GODDAMMIT!!
INT. SAME MORNING RALPHS PARENTS BATHROOM
His dad is bald but uses the spray on hair, scene is dad applying the spray, while his wife tells him it looks ridiculous and painted on. They are getting ready to come to patties party. They are both in the small bathroom.
Ralph’s Mom
Honey, please for me. You look ridiculous, if it gets wet it drips you know and the spray stains the walls. Look what Cory wrote last time he was here. Would you just wear it natural, we have to leave soon and you look like you have paint on your head.
Zoom on the wall with the writing REDRUM on the wall behind the mirror.
Ralph’s dad
Nobody can notice my hair. My friends never say anything, what time is the party?
Ralph’s mom
They don’t say anything because either there blind or they have a hair piece that makes your
Paint hair look good. Do you know people laugh at you and I am afraid to go out in public with you.
Ralph’s Dad
You don’t know what you’re talking about.
INT. SAME MORNING RALPHS BROTHER IN LAWS HOUSE.
The Kovachs are getting ready, the house is a mess and the kids are screaming.
Joey
Leslie what time are we going to your brothers? I gotta finish a tile job with Depth. I need my money from the fucking builder...
Leslie
We are leaving in a little over an hour; get the kids ready for me.
Joe
I worked all week; we are out of diapers by the way. Hey, this house is a mess and I have to go to a job to pay the bills babe.
Leslie
Freddie has two in his drawer, get one out NOW!
Joe
Make sure you pack the kids shit up for the party! I got to do a job quick before we go.
Leslie
Are you nuts, we are going in less than two hours. Alexa is writing on the walls again can you check on her.
INT. ALEXAS BEDROOM
Alexa is in the bedroom writing on the wall which has been written on many times before. There you can see all the beds in one room. She has a fascination with Chucky from the movies and draws him on the wall all over the place.
Joe
Depth and I have a tile job to touch up, you do it I gotta go.
Leslie
No
EXT. JOEY IN HIS TRUCK
Joe leaves the house in his beat up truck. Joe freshly painted the truck in a glitter yellow spray that is for walls not cars. He drives to pick up Depth at his house that they rent from Joes Mom. Its upstairs and a mess. He goes inside and they are watching the wizard of Oz, which is the only movie they watch over and over again. Joe goes in and it’s a mess. There are 4 guys that live there. They are stoners and complete slobs. Cripple is a 300 pound guy who works at a jiffy lube, he shits himself a lot. He is sleeping in his room and they walk in and see feces and chips, and all kinds of stuff in the room. They leave to do a quick job and fire up a bowl on the way.
Joe
Dude we have to get this job done quickly, it’s my nieces birthday party.
Depth
Cool, can I come to the party
Joe
No fucking way dude, Leslie hates you and her brother didn’t invite you. Plus your f-d in the head and you scare everyone. LOOK AT YOU.
Depth
Fuck them; hey I am working on another pitch for my major league tryout. Nobody can hit this pitch. It is a curveball, slider, knuckleball.
YO YO, hey Stop over at that park so we can throw a few.
Joe
Show me tomorrow, we don’t have time for that today. We gotta fly through this job dude, no messing around. Got it.
Depth
Come on pussy, 10 min. You got your glove don’t you?
Joe
Ya I got it, ok 5 min.
EXT. BALLPARK
Joe and Depth pull up to the ballpark and some kids are playing, they walk up to the field.
Depth
Dudes, hey can we use the mound for a min?
Kids
No we are in the middle of a game, bro
Depth
Come on, I want to show my buddy a new pitch.
Kids,
Show us, why don’t you guys play with us?
Depth
You little shits are on. Remember no crying in baseball puss boys
Joe
Depth we cant we have a job to get too and I have a party in less than an hour that I have to go home and get the fam man.
Kids
You guys a bunch of pussys are you afraid?
Joe/Depth
Let’s rock, little shits. You’re going down. Like the shitstains that you are.
They play the game and they look like a bunch of idiots. They play for a while, when Joes Cell phone rings. Depth is pitching and getting rocked by the kids, they are laughing at him.
Leslie
Where ARE YOU?
Joe
We are working on the job I told you about.
Leslie
Hmm, shit for brains, my sister drove by and saw you playing baseball with some 10 year olds, you see monkey boy, there is only one truck in this city that is painted with glitter the color of
urine and a truck that is held together by string.
Joe
No way, we are working. Gotta go
Leslie
You stupid mother@*&^#. (He Hangs up)
INT. NEW DEVELOPMENT
Joey and Depth pull up the new house they are tiling, and need to finish today.
Joey
Ok let’s go; let’s finish this quick so we can get paid. OK.
Depth
Joey, I have to take a dump real real bad! I mean real bad man
Joe
Go ahead, what the fuck you telling me for.
Depth
There is no Porto potty around here man, and the toilets aren’t in the house yet?
Joe
Can you wait; we don’t have time to leave
Depth
Dude I am going to dute in my pants
Joe
Go down the road to the gas station
Depth
I really got to dute man, hey is that a shoe box? (long pause) I will use that.
Joe
Are you fucking high! I need more work from this builder you asswipe!
Depth
Yes I am high, but I have to dute now! (Depth is sweating) I can’t make it man, my svinktor is loose from the weed man, and I gotta go bad man!
Depth takes the shoe box and goes into the corner and shits in the box.
Depth
Joey I need toilet paper, I am overflowing the box dude. Do you have another box?
Joey
You are a freaking moron dude, what the hell are you doing, Your shitting in a shoe box, I don’t have any toilet paper man. And why are you doing it right in front of me, there are 20 fucking rooms in this house. I don’t want to watch you shit.
Depth
Joey what am I going to do, I can close the box its over the box man, I need toilet paper or a something! It’s on me and now on the carpet man.
Joey
Bro, I can’t help you. You better clean up I am not helping you clean yourself you idiot. What is the fucking matter with you Depth?
Cut to:
As Joe looks out the window the homeowners are coming in to see the house with their family and the builder.
Joey
Holy shit the owners are coming in, with the fucking builder man.
Depth
Dude I am not done yet
Joey
You get done NOW!
Depth
I am still going Joey, I can’t stop man.
Joey
There coming up to the front door. Hurry!!
They open the door and all look in at Joey and Depth. Depth is still shitting in the box. And the family is horrified. The little kid is laughing and he takes a pic with his camera phone.
Builder
What the hell are you guys doing
Joey
Finishing up the job sir.
Builder
Finishing the JOB! What the hell is he doing?
Depth
You cheap bastard should provide a Porto potty man. When you have to dute you have to dute!
Builder
Get the hell out of here now. Folks, I am so sorry, these guys were recommended by one of my contractors.
Depth pulls up his pants and has shit all over him, and leaves the box. Joey is horrified and they run out the door.
Joey
You stupid fucking idiot, we aren’t getting paid and now this guy will never use us again. You took a dump in a shoe box man. YOU TOOK A DUMP IN A SHOE BOX!
Depth
So what, who needs that builder. I feel so much better Joey. WOW. I think my roommates are putting exclax in all my food man.
Joey
Leslie is going to kill me. FUCK
Depth
Blame me
Joey
No shit, Dude you really fucking smell!
Depth
Dude I didn’t have any toilet tissue, and he made me pull up and go. It all over my ass and back Joey.
Joey
Dude you have shit all over your pants and hands too.
Depth
What do you want me to do, what would you have done, hey stop and get me a burrito at tbell
Joey
No way man, Leslie is going to kill me I gotta get home. My car smells really bad, my eyes are watering. You are an asshole.
EXT.DEPTHS HOUSE
Joey drops Depth off at home and Depth is high and forgets he has to clean off, he just sits on the couch watching The Wizard of Oz and Joey leaves.
EXT. JOEYS HOUSE
Joey gets back home and the family is waiting to go.
Leslie
Your late dumbshit, you went and got high didn’t you. Whoa, I smell something, what is that smell?
Joey
I didn’t get high. you smell Depth.. He shit himself.
Leslie
That guy is a waste, why the hell do you work with that loser?
You’re wearing that, you’re a mess you have grout and dirt all over you; your shoes are a mess. Clean up!
Joey
They don’t care, let’s go. I am hungry and I look fine.
INT. RALPHS HOUSE
The day of the party all the family shows up. Ralph’s dad and mom come first
Ralph’s dad
Hey it’s really hot in here, why is it so hot in this house.
Ralph
Cory turned the heat up all the way last night and it’s taking longer too cool than I expected. I don’t have a manual on how to cool a house when the heat is up to 99 for 10 hours straight. The windows were actually sweating.
Ralph Dad
That kid isn’t the brightest bulb is he?
Ralph
No he takes after his grandfather. By the way, I have some house paint in a brown if your hair begins to run (laughs). Do you use Sherwin Williams?
Ralph’s dad
Is it that noticeable?
Ralph
Only from the satellite camera in space.
Ralph’s Dad
My buddies think it looks good
Ralph
Pop, You sit in a dark bar, with no windows and smoke all day drinking Busch light. Have they seen you outside?
Ralph’s Dad
Sometimes, but they never say anything.
Ralph
Are they breathing pop?
Cut To:
Ralph’s dad’s spray on hair is beginning to drip and run down his neck and forehead.
Joe and Leslie show up next and they trample in without taking their shoes off, Joey tracks dirt and mud all through the house, but Ralph is too nice to yell at him.
EXT. FRONT DOOR
Door bell rings and it’s the police at the door. The neighbors across the street have a video camera and caught the egging on their video. Ralph answers the door.
Police
Hi are you the homeowner Mr. Naples?
Ralph
Yes
Police
We got a call this morning from your neighbors across the street. It seems they have video tape of your son and some friends egging and vandalizing their house late yesterday evening.
Ralph
What, that cant be. Are you sure? My son was in the house all night sir.
Police
Yes, they identified him from the tape. They also have tape of your son yelling out the window obscenities at him and his wife as well.
Ralph
It’s my daughter’s birthday party, how do I resolve this?
Police
They have filed a report and we need you to come down to the station sometime today or tomorrow and fill some paperwork out.
Ralph
Understood and thank you he will be dealt with accordingly I can assure you.
Police and Ralph talk for a while then leave.
Ralph’s Wife
What did he do this time?
Ralph
CORY, get up here!
Cory
Ya dad
Ralph
The police were just here and they said the neighbors have a videotape of you egging their house.
Cory
Dad we were hanging out downstairs...
Ralph
They Have tape CORY!
Fade to last night Show the video clip of what happened last night, and tape of Cory yelling hey Mr. Collins is that a hose or are you happy to see me.
EXT. LIVING ROOM
Cory
I didn’t do anything; we played videos all night downstairs like I just said.
Ralph
They have a video camera in front of the house and caught you guys on tape. I told you to stop messing with the people across the freaking street.
Cory
No way dad, we didn’t
Ralph
The police don’t lie
Cory
Whatever dad, I didn’t do it
Ralph
Your grounded we will talk about this later when your sister’s party is over.
Cory walks away, mingles with the family, he goes by his grandpa and is snickering because he hair is running down the side of his face and he doesn’t know if. Joey is changing his sons diaper in the middle of the living room and Ralph is cringing.
Joey
Freddie you really did a number on yourself buddy, Leslie what did you feed him? Little Freddie you really can fill a diaper
Leslie
What the hell are you doing changing him in the living room floor for, that is expensive burbar carpet, do you have any class.
Joey
What, Cory takes this diaper and put it in the garbage
Cory
No way Uncle Joey I am not touching that. NO WAY.
Joey
Cory come on, 5 bucks please Cory.
Cory reluctantly takes the diaper but in his anger takes the diaper and instead of putting it into the garbage, he takes it outside and hides it under Leslie and Joe’s passenger seat in their car. He has the devilish look while doing it. They party continues.
Ralph gets a phone call
Rene
Ralphie, you have a phone call
Ralph
Who is it honey
Rene
Your boss Mr. Delpino
Ralph walks into his office and sits down.
Mr. Delpino
Naples, its Lou Dalpino
Ralph
Yes Mr. Dalpino, what can I do for you sir?
Mr. Dalpino
I need you to call me at my office in Chicago at 7:30 am tomorrow, need to discuss a few things about the upcoming sales conf. We need to make sure you have a handle on a few things as well as your team. Got it! I would do it now, but I have a family function to get too.
Ralph
Ok sir is everything ok?
Dalpino hangs up
The party is winding down, and everybody starts to leave, when all are gone, Ralph looks at his living room carpet, there are footprints, food stains etc. He shakes his head.
Night time, Ralph is worried about tomorrow because of the call from Lou Dalpino but his Rene doesn’t want to talk to him. He goes to bed.
INT. 7 AM CLEVELAND SALES OFFICE
Mr. Delpino calls Ralph on the phone
Lou (forceful)
Hello Lou Delpino
Ralph
Hi Mr. Dalpino its Ralph Naples you asked me to call you.
Lou
Naples I will get right to the point! Your sales team is a fucking mess, we have a national kick off meeting in less than two weeks and I am terrified on how those animals will behave at the corp. meetings. They are a reflection of you and more importantly ME. I have too call Mr. Artis and assure him no antics. And there better be no antics. Do you remember last years meeting? Your team is a bunch of Animal house lunatics that almost had us booted out of the hotel last year, Do you remember NAPLES!
FADE TO LAST YEAR.
Louring was taking a shower in one of the rooms, two reps share a room in the corp. kickoff meetings and some of the rooms where connected. Lourig gets out of the shower and the guys break into the bathroom and throw him out into the hall naked. Then call the front desk reporting a man running through the halls naked. Show the scene of chaos and security trying to catch him. Show families with kids walking by.
Ralph
Mr. Dalpino, I am doing my best, Our sales numbers are in the top 2 in the country and have had many talks with them. If it wasn’t for my team we wouldn’t be in the top 10. They are a bunch that works hard and plays hard. I assure you they will be on their best behavior.
Lou
We have our monthly conf. call tomorrow with our region and I will make sure that your team as well as the entire region is on best behavior at this kickoff. If not you will be a fucking rep by the time we get back, if you have a job at all.
Ralph
Understood.
Lou
We have the conf. bridge and make sure the teams are all on it we will be taking attendance. Did you fire Sharkey yet?
Ralph
Ok, No I haven’t yet.
Lou
Fire his ass today or your fired got it!
Ralph
Ok, I will handle it.
Ralph Calls Sharkey into his office.
Ralph
Mike, Please have a seat
Sharkey
Ya boss what’s up
Ralph
I am just going to come out with it, I just spoke to Mr. Delpino and we are going to have to let you go.
Sharkey
Ok,(laid back) You know why don’t you Ralph? I have something on Delpino and he is having you do his dirty work. I don’t have a problem with you Ralph but rest assured this isn’t done. You made my day. CHACHING.
Ralph sits at his desk and lets out a big breath.
Sharkey goes to his desk, ponders and picks up his phone and dials his greeting on his office phone.
Voicemail
Hi You have reached the desk of Mike Sharkey Senior account executive with Orion Automation.
(cont)
To change your greeting please press 2 now. At the tone please say your greeting.
Starkey
Hi this is Orion Office Automation, if you need any help FUCK OFF. If you are in need of a thief call Frank Delpino at 370-780-9077. otherwise you can suck my testicles. Lastly, our products suck and we lie.
Voicemail
If you’re satisfied with your greeting press one and hang-up
Sharkey sits and laughs packs his stuff up and heads out the door.
INT. DAY PITTSBURGH SALES OFFICE
Ralph is in the Cleveland office so the place is a zoo in pa. There are 6 reps out of that office a few national account people and some admin. Footballs are flying and pranks are a plenty. Alex and Rosko constantly mess with Mike Greens office. Mike is a national account rep and he thinks he is better than the other guys he has his own office and has the personality of a doorknob.
Alex
Hey Rosko, can you get in Mike Greens office
Rosko
Ya, we taped the side of the door remember? It prevents anyone from locking it.
Alex,
Ok, I got to piss and Mike’s office is close by.
Rosko
You’re insane, you guys have to stop using his office as a restroom. The whole office smells like a god dam sewer
Alex walks into Mike’s office, closes the door and urinates all over the carpet. The office smells already because they use it as a restroom. The office is in an old building and the ventilation is poor to begin with. Also the office has an individual thermostat so they up it to about 87 degrees.
Alex
Where’s Balsomo?
Rosko
I think in the restroom? Why?
Alex
Did you put the ketchup under the toilet seat?
Rosko
Is Lourig our whipping boy!
Alex
Its getting close to lunch time, where are the guys and make sure lourig joins us he is paying.
Rosko
Big A, we need to lighten up on Lourig, the kid shakes around the office, he doesn’t have much money, and is the only guy who actually works around here.
Alex
Come on its our form of hazing, he knows we love him. I tell him all the time if we didn’t love him we would ignore him, or treat him like we treat Green.
Rosko
Dude, cut him some slack. Ok?
Alex
Who runs this place!
Rosko
You Do!
Alex
Exactly, get those lazy bastard so we can eat.
Balsomo walks in from the restroom with ketchup all over the back of his pants and doesn’t know it.
Balsomo
Hey where is Ralph today?
Alex
Cleveland, I just pissed in Mike’s office again
Balsomo
You should have told me before I used what’s called a restroom instead.
Rosko walks back from making phone calls to the guys
Rosko
Jonesey, Norris and Koos were home sleeping. I woke them up and there are on the way.
Alex
Where is Lourig?
Rosko
He is at his desk making sales calls. The poor bastard.
Alex walks by his cubicle peeks over the cubicle, tiptoes away and gets a glass of water. He returns back and throws the water over the cubicle and hits Lourig in the face, then runs off.
Lourig
Who did that, goddammit, was that you Moranis. I hate you fucking assholes
Lourig gets up looks around and goes out to the restroom to clean himself off.
As he leaves he leaves his pc unlocked, Alex and Rosko sneak up to the computer. They see the regional email that Lou Delpinos secretary sent out to the entire region about tomorrows conf. call. Alex and Rosko look at each other and hit reply all.
Rosko
Alex this is bad, don’t write anything obscene you will get him fired.
Alex
Relax.
Alex
(Typing)
I want to congratulate myself and find all my female employees attractive especially Jim and I love to say the word Titillate. Can you email me something titillating? I am the egg man kookoocatchu.
Rosko
What the hell does that mean?
Alex
I wanted to write my peepee hurts but this is weird enough but he can’t get fired. Hurry find
the sent file and delete it so he doesn’t know we sent it.
Rosko
Done, here he comes
Lourig
What are you guys doing by my desk
Alex
Just looking for you sunshine, we are taking you to lunch my little beatch.
Lourig
Really, you guys never take me to lunch. And HEY who took my fiancés picture and put a penis coming out of her mouth? If they ever get cameras in this place your all fired.
Alex
Louring, come on relax, we are a family. It was Green he hates you and thinks your use his office like a restroom.
The cell phone of Alex rings and its Jason his former college football buddy who is a sales rep making big money for a consulting firm, He is huge and takes steroids and brags about it. He is fearless and hangs with the guys.
Jason
What up A. You guys going to lunch
Alex
Ya, we are meeting at the sports zone at 11am, Lourig is paying
Jason
That kid doesn’t have any scratch, PERFECT.
Alex
Exactly, out my brotha.
Alex, and Rosko call Al Canneli the rep in Cleveland that is a dumb balding no humored twit that they also torment. They call to check up on him and if he has seen Ralph and constantly torture him remotely.
Alex
Remember what we did to Al a few months ago?
Rosko
That was classic stuff.
EXT. FLASHBACK
Jason pretended to be Kevin Artis the Big top dog of the company’s sales organization. Jason called Al pretending to be Kevin Artis while the guys listened on mute.
Al
Hello this is Al Canneli
Jason (pretending to be Kevin Artis)
Hi Al, this is Kevin Artis from corp.
Al
Oh, um (nervousness) hello sir, how can I help you?
Jason
Al, I am calling because of your performance of late.
Al
Ooh, ok. (Gulp)
Jason
You’re an embarrassment to the company and if you don’t turn things around, I will have no choice but to fire you.
Al
Sir, I have been working extremely.
Jason (interrupts)
Al Excuses are like assholes everybody has them.
Al
No excuse sir
Jason
Good, I want a report of your activity emailed to me by Friday, with an apology for your failure to meet min. standards. You got that.
Al
Yes sir.
Jason
Good and bababoey to all of you.
Al
What sir
Jason
Hang up the phone and sell goddammit!
Fade back to the guys in pa. They all head over to lunch which typically lasts a few hours. Ralph calls Alex
Ralph
Hey Alex, how are you today? How do things look the rest of the month? I need to get a forecast from you and the guys on how you will end up this month by close of business.
Alex
Great, made about 20 cold calls and have a few appts to get too. I will get that too you and will save you a call, I will have Mallory get out to the guys to do the same.
Ralph
Good, listen Alex don’t forget about the call tomorrow with Delpino. I also need your numbers he is coming down hard. We have a good few months, but we are not looking to well this month. Kick it up a notch PLEASE.
Alex
Wouldn’t miss it for the world. I will do my best and I know the guys are out busting it for you and the team.
Cut to:
The guys hooting and hollering at the sports bar.
Ralph
Have you seen the other guys?
Alex
There all sleeping, just kidding. They are out of the office, I called into the office and talked to Malory and she said nobody was in there.
Ralph
Have you seen Lourig?
Alex
No why?
Ralph
I received a very weird email from him that he sent to everyone, and Delpinos secretary sent a nasty email back.
Alex
Wow, what did it say?
Ralph
Never mind, if you see him tell him I need to talk to him
Alex
Got it boss, when you coming out to P.A.?
Ralph
In a few days. I have a few meetings in Cleveland and have to get some stuff to Delpino or he will have my balls in a vice if you know what you mean.
Alex
I don’t know how you put up with that sneaky, squirmy sob. Nobody likes him or trusts him. He is a buffoon in front of clients as well.
EXT. FLASHBACK
Fade to a presentation that Lou did with some big shots in an account a few months back where he made a spectacle of himself.
Ralph
He isn’t all bad, but I know what your saying. Alright I gotta go, make sure Mallory gets to the troupes ok. See you in pa sometime soon.
Alex
Ok Boss be good. Give a kiss to Canelli.
Ralph
Hey by the way, I hope its not you guys messing with Al. He is trying real hard and I know some of the stuff I hear somebody or some people doing to him, though somewhat funny. He is going to need mental help if it keeps up.
Alex
We love that bald bastard. We would never mess with him.
Ralph
Somebody sent flowers to Delpino that read Mr. Delpino I treasure you and what you offer to all of us. Forever yours A Canneli.
Alex
No way.
INT. DELPINOS OFFICE
Mr. Delpino receiving the flowers and the card, in his office and losing his cool.
Ralph
Delpino went crazy, also someone is sending roses to the secretary and leaving very naughty messages pretending to be canelli. Please if you know who is doing this stuff help me out Alex.
Alex hangs up and joins the guys at lunch where they joke, laugh, flirt, and drink a few beers. .
Alex
Lourig Ralph said stop calling him so much. He thinks your trying to kiss ass
Lourig
Oh, he said that. Why would he tell you that?
Alex
Ya, chill on all the calls to him. He is pretty pissed
They wait for Lourig to go to the restroom when he does; they all leave him with the bill
INT. PA OFFICE AFTERNOON
Mike Green walks into his office
Mike
(angry)
Holy shit, this office smells
Mike calls Mallory on the phone
Mike
Mallory, my door lock is broken again, and my office smells like cats.
Mallory
Mike I don’t know, nobody has been in there, I make sure of it.
Mike
Sure you do, those asswipes are fucking with my office I know it.
Mallory
No Mike, I will get some air freshener
Mike
Get it right now, goddammit.
INT. LUNCHTIME
The guys get back from lunch and see Mike Greens car in the parking lot. They have made a duplicate key of Mike’s months ago and get in his car and move it to the handicap spot. They then call the police and report mikes car.
INT. LATE AFTERNOON
Mike leaves at his normal time 3:45 pm, which pisses the guys off. He walks out and sees his car in the handicapped spot; he shakes his head and sees a ticket on the car. He losses his mind and starts swearing under his breath. Mallory keeps Mikes schedule and the guys call his appts and either reschedules them or cancels them and Mike has the feeling he is getting Alzheimer’s. These pranks are played out at various times throughout the movie.
INT. AFTERNOON CLEVELAND
Ralph is driving in his car to his son Cory’s football game. The phone rings in his car
Ralph
Good afternoon this is Ralph
Rene
Ralph, where are you
Ralph
I am heading to Cory’s football game
Rene
You were supposed to take him to the game
Ralph
I had a late meeting, sorry baby
Rene
Well he is upset and we are running late, we will see you there. Can you do anything right Ralph?
Ralph
Honey, you’re a stay at home mom, I have to work you know and cant drop everything
Rene
Whatever Ralph see you in a bit
Ralph
Love you
Rene hangs up
Ralph shows up to Cory’s game and sits down next to his Rene as they watch Cory play ball. She looks annoyed and doesn’t really say much to him.
Ralph
Honey what’s wrong
Rene
Nothing
Ralph
Seriously, your cold to me all the time and I can’t win with you
Rene
I must be going through a phase, just watch the game.
Ralph watches Cory play ball and have a tantrum on the field. He notices a dad named Mr. James and his wife making eye contact a few times, but doesn’t put much thought into it.
The game ends and Ralph waits for Cory so he can take him home. After the coach talks to the players, Cory and Ralph head home.
Ralph
Good game Cory, you need to watch your temper on the field bud.
Cory
Sorry dad but I hate to mess up.
Ralph
Buddy that happens to the best of them, you need to not let them see you sweat. That’s the sign of a great player.
Cory
Ya I know, thanks for coming dad, I didn’t know if you were going to take me and when I came home from school and saw Mr. James leaving the house I thought he might be taking me to the game. I don’t like him.
Ralph
Huh, Mr. James was at the house today?
Cory
Ya, I got a ride home from Danny’s brother and he was just leaving. I thought he was taking me to the game. I hate him and his son. That’s way I wanted mom to call you.
Ralph
No problem buddy, I was in a late meeting but would never miss a game.
Cory
I know pop.
Ralph now is daydreaming about what the hell is going on with his Rene and Mr. James. He thinks of all kinds of scenarios that run through his head.
(Daydreaming Sequence)
Scene one His wife and him doing it on his bed. They are going at it.
Scene two His wife and him doing it in the tub
Ralph and Cory pull up to the house and get out and walk into the house.
Ralph
Honey can you come in here
Rene
Ya Ralph
Ralph
Is everything good with us
Rene
Yes why
Ralph
Cory said Mr. James was here today when he came home early from school.
Rene
Yes he came by to ask what field the game was at. I was out getting the mail and he came up real quick.
Ralph
Ohh, hmm ok.
Rene
Why what are you getting at Ralph.
Ralph
Nothing honey, nothing.
The Naples sit down and have dinner as a family and chit chat about their days etc. After dinner, they watch some TV and then Ralph goes to his office to catch up on some emails then goes to bed.
INT.EVENING KOVACH HOUSE
Joe and Leslie meet their new neighbors. Joe and Leslie live in a small house in a neighborhood and area that is all white. There neighbors are black and Joey and Leslie are upset. The neighbors come over.
Joey
Hi neighbors I am Joey and this is Leslie and alexa
Neighbor
Hi I am John and this is my wife Livonia, my sons John and Demetrius.
They come in and sit down in the Kovachs living room. They small talk and get to know one another.
Alexa
Hey Daddy Nigga, I am going in my room
Joey
Alexa what the hell did you say
Alexa
Shut up Nigga Joe
Alexa runs off to her room and the families just stare at one another.
Neighbor
Where does your daughter get such language
Joey
My wife Dude
Leslie
Are you nuts Joey, you’re the one who talks like this. You swear and stuff and she picks that shit up
Joey
Whatever Leslie
The neighbors get up and leave abruptly
INT. NEXT MORNING
Ralph gets up early and does his daily routine, he gets in his car and starts his 35 min drive to work. All the while thinking about Mr. James and his wife. As he drives he spills coffee all over himself.
Ralph to himself
Great, goddammit this is going to be a great day.
INT. 8AM PA OFFICE
All the Pittsburgh sales guys and Malory who is being boned by most of them joins them for the conf. call with Delpino. Lou Is responsible for 7 states and all of the teams will be on remotely for the monthly conf. call. They all dial into a conf. bridge and wait for the call to start. Always Pittsburgh makes the call fun. Lourig dials in from his desk because they usually are the torturing him and he likes to actually listen to the call.
Lou's secretary
We are about to start the call after roll call please put your phones on mute until you have a question.
Lou
Good Morning everyone,
All
Good Morning
Lou
That was weak, GOOD MORNING everyone
All
Good morning
Lou
Detroit you on the call
Detroit
Yes, clapping, yelling
Lou
Cincinnati
Cinci
Yes
Pittsburgh
Fart noise, Yes
Etc. etc.
Lou
I want to welcome everyone to our monthly recognition and upcoming events call for the month. We have a lot to get too so lets begin. I want to first discuss our upcoming yearly national Kickoff meeting in Arizona.
While Lou is talking rosko dials into the conf. call on his cell phone and walks into the restroom and starts to flush the toilet over and over again.
Lou
Who is doing that, whoever is doing that please stop.
The guys start to call Lourigs office phone and then conf it into the call. They then call sharkeys number who was fired and play his message twice.
As Lou is talking this is what you hear.
Voicemail
Hi this Is Timothy lourig I am away from my desk but please leave a message and I will return your call as soon as possible.
The guys do this over and over again. Then they call Al Cannelis phone and do the same. Finally, they turn the mute function on the phone, but nobody can now ask questions.
Lou
We will find out who is doing this and they will be dealt with There will be no fun and games, no pranks at the conf. You will all conduct yourselves like professionals, if there is any foul play it is grounds for immediate termination.
The call goes for a while, then ends and the guys joke around. Lou calls Ralph after the call
Lou
I know it was those fuckers goofing around on the call
Ralph
I don’t know, but I will look into it.
Lou
Your ass is mine if I catch them. They were calling your reps numbers
Ralph
I will get to the bottom of it sir
Lou
I would get your resume together Naples
Ralph sits at his desk and just stares out into space. He is in a fog and starts to day dream-dream. Into his office walks one of the office secretaries.
Office secretary
Ralph, you ok
Ralph
Ahh, ya, I am ok
Office Secretary
You look like your going to cry
Ralph
No I am ok, what can I do for you
Office Secretary
The school called and wanted you to call them right away.
Ralph
Thanks, do you know what school and what kid?
Office Secretary
Your son’s school
Ralph
Ok, thanks
Ralph calls the school and gets the asst. principal on the phone.
Ralph
Good morning this is Cory Naples dad
School
Good morning Mr. Naples, We called because your son Cory shaving creamed a class room
Ralph
Huh, what
School
Your son Cory shaving creamed a classroom
Flashback: To Cory, having an album cover filled with shaving cream and he stomped on it and shaving cream went flying everywhere.
Ralph
I got that, why, who, what the hell did he do that for.
School
Mr. Naples he claimed that his buddies bet him he wouldn’t
Ralph
Ok what do I do
School
Cory will be suspended for two days.
Ralph
Did you call home and talk to my wife
School
Yes we called their first but nobody answered.
Ralph
Ok, I will take him home.
Ralph waits for Cory to come out and he and Cory walk to his car.
Ralph
Cory what is wrong with you boy
Cory
Dad, they bet me 30 dollars I wouldn’t do it.
Ralph
Ok, so your willing to get suspended for 30 bucks
Cory
New madden 2005 is out and I needed another 30 to get it.
Ralph
Well you won’t be playing Madden until 2015.
Cory
Dad come on, you did funny stuff in school, and Uncle Joey always does crazy things. Hey dad remember when Joey and me and you went to pick up pizza a week ago.
INT. PIZZA PARLOR FLASHBACK
Joey going in the back door and saying he works here and took about 5 pies from the back door.
Ralph
Ya Cory what’s your point
Cory
That was funny, dad you should have seen the shaving cream all over the place.
Ralph
Your mom is going to kill you, by the way where is your mom do you know.
Cory
Nope, I don’t pop.
They pull up to the house and nobody is there. Ralph comes inside and waits for His wife to get home. He doesn’t want to leave Cory by himself. He fixes himself some food.
Rene
Hey what are you doing home?
Ralph
Your son, he was suspended for a prank.
Rene
What did he do?
Ralph
I will let him tell you, by the way where were you?
Rene
Uh, um I was out shopping
Ralph
For what?
Rene
Why the interrogation
Ralph
No interrogation, just curious
Rene
For you, getting you something for your trip
Ralph
What did you get?
Rene
I couldn’t find anything.
Cory walks in to the room
Rene
Cory what happened
Cory
Just a prank, I am sorry
Rene
Well your grounded bub.
Cory
Ok
Cory walks out of the room
Rene
You still heading out of town this week
Ralph
Yes, why
Rene
Just wondered.
Ralph.
Ok, gotta go back to work.
EXT. RALPHS CAR
Ralph sits and daydreams about his wife and what she is up too. He drives back to work and calls a buddy of his.
Ralph
Hey Marky, how are you
Marky
Hey Ralphie, what’s going on my friend
Ralph
Hey I need a favor
Marky
Anything, something wrong.
Ralph
I don’t know, but want piece of mind.
Marky
Anything buddy
Ralph
Can you follow my wife for a few days while I am out of town.
Marky
Oh, ya sure buddy. Why what is going on, or what do you think is going on.
Ralph
Hopefully nothing, but I just have that feeling
Marky
Oh, that feeling, ya I have many tell me that feeling.
Ralph
I will pay whatever you think is necessary
Marky
Your money is no good here my friend. I will handle it. And Update you when you get back.
INT. LATE AFTERNOON
Joey and Depth are at Lowes buying some product for a job they are doing. They are putting bags of cement in a cart. As always being watched by the employees. Joey and depth due a lot of shopping at the store.
Employee
Guys why do you always take the ripped bags and have it leak all over the place.
Depth
Because its cheaper.
Employee
No its not
Joey
Oh, thanks dude.
Joey and Depth go up and pay for the product and load it into the truck, as they pull out one of the companies tow motors rams into the car. In the parking lot.
Depth
Joey that was awesome, we are millionaires
Joey
Oh man that hurt, I am hurt dude. My neck.
Depth
Ya your neck, oh my neck too man.
Joey
Really man I am hurt.
The driver of the tow motor comes up the car and looks in.
Tow motor driver
Hey guys you ok, I didn’t see you, I am so sorry.
Depth
You better be you asshole, we have internal organs and they are bleeding all over the place.
Joey
Would you shut up depth. I am hurt man
Tow motor operator
Should I call an ambulance, I better get my manager.
The tow motor guy goes in and calls the police and they come out to look at the scene.
Police pull up to the scene.
Officer
Hi Guys are you ok.
Depth
No we are not ok, I have internal bleeding bad.
Joey
I am a bit stiff man
Officer
Can you tell me what happened?
Tow motor operator
I was pulling around and we ran into each other.
Joey
No dude you ran into us, and I am hurting.
Officer
Is that true.
Tow motor operator
Well kind of
Officer
Kind of or yes
Tow motor operator
Yes
Officer
We will have to go in and get the tape of the parking lot and review it, in
In the meantime do you need any medical care? We need to ask some more questions and fill out a report. You sir will be sighted for fail to control your machinery. Once we get all this complete you two gentleman can be on your way.
Depth
We are suing everyone.
Joey
Shut up man, ok.
They fill out paperwork and go on their way. In the truck.
Joey
My truck is all messed up Depth
Depth
Your truck is shit man, you will be able to buy a hummer man.
Joey
What are you talking about.
Depth
You are hurt you need to get worse and get to a hospital. Lets get to your house and strategize with your little wifey.
Joey and Depth drive to Joey’s house to talk to Leslie. They walk inside.
Leslie
Joey what is depth doing in my house?
Joey
Les, hey I got hit by an employee at lowes and he was in the wrong. What Should I do?
Leslie
Wow, ok let’s call the doctor and get you in to see him.
Depth
What about me I am hurt too
Leslie
I hope you die, hows that
Depth
Come on Leslie help me too.
Leslie
Joey get him out of here.
Leslie talks to the doctor and they devise there plan to go after Lowes and make some cash. Leslie also calls an attorney and sets up a meeting to discuss Joey’s situation.
Attorney’s office
Good afternoon Scott Carpenters office
Leslie
Hi, My husband was hurt by an employee at lowes store and is needing legal advice.
Attorney’s office
Ok, let me take some information down so I can relay it to Mr. Carpenter
Leslie
Ok, what do you want to know.
Attorney’s office
Just information, on the time, place, your name and as much details as you can give me. Can I speak to your husband or where you there as well?
Leslie
I wasn’t there but my husband is not a very good communicator.
Attorney’s office.
Oh ok, very well. But Mr. Carpenter is going to need to talk to your husband directly.
They talk some more and then the secretary gets the attorney on the phone.
Attorney
Hi Scott Carpenter, Hi Mrs. Kovach. I have gotten the information and I would like you both to come in tomorrow.
Leslie
Ok, we can come in around 11am
Attorney
Perfect, do you have our address
Leslie
Yes, we will be there.
Leslie hangs up and instructs Joey what he will say and do. They argue
Leslie
Ok Joey, listen up this is what you are going to say or I am going to have
To talk for you and you will look like a retard.
Joey
Whatever Leslie. I was there remember?
Leslie
Yes you where there in body, but your mind is that of a 3 year old.
Joey
Ok, genius what are we doing?
Leslie
Ok, first your going to really hurt tonight and tomorrow its going to get Worse, we are also going to the doctor tonight. Your not working either.
Joey
I have jobs to do tomorrow, I pay the bills remember?
Leslie
Ya I know look at our palace. Your taking tomorrow off. Got it.
Joey
Whatever
They talk some more and get ready to go to the Dr. Office
INT. JOEYS HOUSE EVENING
There is a knock at the door. Its Joeys friend Cripple
Joey (answers the door)
Cripple what’s up, what are you doing here, Leslie doesn’t want you to come around dude.
Cripple
Hey I just bought a car from a guy down the block for $300 dollars and I wanted to show you it.
Joey
Ok, let me get some shoes on.
Cripple
Hey I also stopped and got a case of little kings to celebrate with you.
Joey
Dude, Leslie isn’t in a good mood.
Cripple
Come on man, I haven’t been over in ages.
Joey gets his shoes on and he hears Leslie yelling at him.
They walk out to the car.
Joey
Hey Cripple where are your license plates
Cripple
Huh
Joey
License plate, you have no fucking plates.
Cripple
Oh fuck, hey can I borrow one of yours, you have two.
Joey
Can I do that?
Cripple
Sure, why not, you still have one.
Joey
Man, I will have to ask Leslie
Cripple
Joey, she will say no man.
Joey
Come on in man, let’s drink. The car is a piece of shit by the way.
Cripple
It has character, $300 bucks you can’t go wrong Joey.
They walk in and Cripple brings in a case of Little Kings beer. He sits down at the table and opens up some beers for him and Joey. Leslie walks in.
Leslie
What is the thing doing in my house? Joey!
Joey
Cripple bought a new car and wanted to show me.
Leslie
You losers are going to get drunk and sit in here all night. Joey why are you clipping your toe nails in the kitchen in front of Cripple. Are you insane?
Joey
Hey Sweetie, Cripple doesn’t have license plates; he wanted to borrow one of mine, since I have two. What do you think?
Leslie
What do I think; I think you have the IQ of a two year old. Your license plate is tied to your car morons.
Leslie Looks out the window at the car.
Leslie
You don’t think if the cops see him driving that car they won’t pull him over, then your plate comes up. Joey just put a bullet in my head already. End my misery please. You better not drink you have a meeting tomorrow. REMEMBER!
Leslie storms off and Joey and Cripple finish off the case.
INT. Fast-Forward.
Cripple is past out and Joey is trying to wake him up
Joey
Cripple wake up man you gotta go
Cripple
Joey let me sleep here.
Joey
You have to go NOW.
Cripple
Ok Ok, dude where am I going to go, can I sleep in the car in your driveway since I don’t have any plates. Come on man.
Joey
Dude its late, you gotta go, you drove without them so far. RIGHT!
Cripple
Ok, but I am hammered Joey. Some buddy?
Joey
Get out dude
Cripple walks out the door, and goes in his car, and backs out. Cripple pulls into the next door neighbor’s driveway. The black neighbors that moved in. He pulls up in the driveway and turns the car off and passes out.
EXT. FIVE HOURS LATER.
The next door neighbor pulls her car into her driveway. She works second shift and pulls into her driveway right behind Cripples car.
She gets out and looks in
Neighbor
(SCREAMS)
Her lights go on and Joey and Leslie wake up as well. They run outside to see what is going on.
Neighbor
Honey call the cops, I think this guy is dead.
Joey
Whoa, it’s Cripple
Neighbor
He is crippled
Joey
NO it’s my friend Cripple; I have no idea why he is in your driveway. I am sorry. Let me get him out of here.
Joey opens the door and wakes him up; he realizes that Cripple lost control of his bowels and bladder.
Joey
Holy shit, he pissed and shit himself.
Leslie (Shouting)
Get him out of here Joey. NOW.
Joey wakes up Cripple and after much negotiating Cripple finally drives off and out of their view.
EXT. WAPAKANETA, OHIO 7 AM.
Its 3 degrees outside, a cold front hit late last night.
Bob Willus is a Technical guy who goes on big appointments with the team when they need him; he is out of town with the Ohio team on a big presentation for a client they are trying to sell. Bob Reports to Ralph and is so knowledgeable that he gets a lot of slack for his behavior. Eric is the Ohio national account rep. He is a respected guy who is honest and successful.
Bob is in his room when he realizes there is a problem, he calls Eric’s room
Bob
Hey Eric, we have a problem
Eric
What’s wrong?
Bob
When I packed last night, I packed the wrong suit.
Eric
Ok, just where what you have Bobby.
Bob
That’s the problem, I think it’s the wrong suit with the wrong pants, they looked the same last night, and the other problem is they fit when I weighed about 30 lbs lighter.
Eric
30 lbs lighter that was 2 months ago you fat bastard.Bob you gotta were it, we have to go, do you have the projection box
Bob
Ya it’s in my car
Eric
What, its zero degrees outside, it froze probably you dumb ass
Bob
Oh, I will go get it.
Eric
Ya good idea, I will meet you at the car in 15 min.
They go out to the car and Eric is horrified. Bob’s suit is way too small and he looks like he is going to explode.
Eric
Your pants look like they are spandex, your suit is brown and your pants are green. Are you fucking blind?
Bob
I had beers last night and forgot to pack until the last minute.
Eric
You look ridiculous, do you have anything else?
Bob
I just brought this suit and my crazy horse sweatpants.
Eric
How does the projection machine look? Dude this is a huge meeting what cant you do the simple things right!
Bob
It’s frozen, I can’t open it.
Eric
Fuck, let’s go. Maybe it will thaw.
They drive to the appt together and Eric is livid. They get to the meeting and it is a large manufacturing company. They are presenting to about 15 high ranking members of the firm. The secretary walks them back to the conf. room and all the staff is already there. Even though it is cold, bob is sweating profusely from his way too tight outfit.
As they walk through the doors all eyes fixate on Bob. Eric is dressed professionally and looks great. They start to whisper and laugh a bit. Bob and Eric set up for the presentation. The projector is not working, but finally they get it going. As bob sits down to set up his computer, he explodes out of his pants.
INT. PA SALES OFFICE AFTERNOON
Alex and Rosko are waiting for Norris to go into the restroom. He usually takes a dump about the same time each day. They have plugged the toilet up as well as rigged the toiled to shoot out water when he flushes it. They have also locked him in.
Norris does his business and flushes and water is everywhere, it is overflowing, and it’s a mess. He is pounding at the door but can’t get out, finally he gets out and what a mess.
Norris
Those shitheads, you stupid mother^(
Meanwhile Brian Jones the pa. office computer geek has gotten Al Canneli’s password and has logged into his computer from his laptop. He has found Als resume and forwards it to all the guys. Meanwhile Koosman is sending nasty funny emails to Jonesy.
Jonesy
Hey Koos, you can’t send that shit on the network you ass.
Koos
What do you mean?
Jonesy
They watch the network, and you can’t send that stuff over the corp. email. You can get fired.
Koos
I send all kinds of shit out.
Jones
You better stop, that what you do on other peoples pc’s when they leave it unlocked.
Jones
Get a hold of Alex I have Canneli’s resume lets have some fun.
Koos
Oh ya!
The guys get together and call Jason on the phone with the plan to mess with Al.
Alex
Jason we need you to play a recruiter, it looks like Al has put his resume out there and might be looking for a job.
Jason
Ok, let’s think about how we will do this.
Alex
Call him and set something up tomorrow we can call him from the conf. room, I just need to make sure our boss isn’t in pa tomorrow.
Jason
Let me know and I will set it up.
Alex calls Ralph
Alex
Hey Ralph, did you call me
Ralph
No.
Alex
Oh, while I have you, when you coming out to see us again?
Ralph
Later this week, we will all sit down and discuss the sales kickoff meeting. I hear Ditka is going to be the guest speaker.
Alex
Great, let us know when you set it up
Ralph
Hey Alex do you know who was messing around on the conf. call with Delpino
Alex
No, I took the call from the road, I was in between appts.
Ralph
Ok, see you later.
Alex calls Jason
Alex
Jason we are on. Call Al and set it up for tomorrow, let’s meet for beers tonight and come over to see my new home gym. I am having the guys over for a few.
Jason
Cool
Jason calls al and sets up the phone interview for tomorrow.
Jason
Hi is this Mr. Canoli
Al
It’s Canneli
Jason
Oh Sorry
Al
Who is this?
Jason
My name is Carlton Jones and I received your resume, we have a medical position available that I am working on for my client
Al
Oh wow, yes I posted my resume. But I really can’t talk here.
Jason
I would like to do a phone interview with you tomorrow at 9am. What number should I call you at tomorrow?
Al
How bout my home number it is 216-432-7903
Jason
Very well I will phone you tomorrow at 9 am.
Al
Great, can I do any?
Jason Hangs up
Jason calls Alex and says it’s on.
Alex
Hey come over all the guys are coming over tonight for beers and looking at my new gym.
INT. EVENING
The guys come over and are throwing a few down and go to the new home gym of Alex’s
Alex
Hey Lourig try the bench
Lourig goes over to the bench and begins to bench press, Alex drops his pants and t bags him. Lourig puts the bar back and screams at him
Lourig
You fucking asshole, you put your sack on my face
Alex
Were they soft?
Lourig
You’re an asshole Moranis
The guys hang around and shoot the breeze then plot tomorrows attack on Canneli.
Norris
Hey guys it’s almost the end of the month and our numbers suck
Jones
Don’t sweat it we will hit our mark. We need to make Ralph look good, he is a pretty good manager and gives us our space.
Alex
Could you imagine reporting to that little fuck Delpino, he hounds Ralph but fortunately he doesn’t micro manage us like he does him.
Koos
Hey I have a tape I made of me banging Malory do you guys want to watch it?
Alex
That’s kind of gay but yes, Lourig you better go this is for adults
Jones
How did you tape that without her knowing?
Koos
Who said she didn’t know.
They guys watch the tape and are amazed at her body and make the normal guy comments, Jones has the idea of taking the tape and copying it so he can have it and put it on the company website as a link. He is pretty technical. Alex switches the tape once they are done and koos is clueless that it was switched.
INT. MORNING PA SALES OFFICE
The guys are in the conf. room planning the interview, with ideas and how it will play out.
Alex
First of all we have Als home number, that is gold baby secondly we need to find a way to get him to drive out of state.
Rosko
How bout we get him to meet with Delpino some how?
Alex
Genius, but how?
Jones
I will take care of that part
Jason
What company am I representing?
Alex
Use a big name pharmaceutical company, guys don’t fuck around, the goal is for Al to believe this and have him drive or fly to Chicago for the interview.
Koos
Make him drive farther
Alex
Shut the fuck up
The guys go into the conf. room and make the phone call. Jones is also logged into the network and is putting the sex tape of balsamo and Malory on the company’s web page with the link that reads. New product free trial.
Jason (phone)
Hi Al this is Charlton Jones, do you have some time to talk
Al
Yes
Jason
Al this is a phone interview to screen candidates for a face to face interview next week. I have narrowed my search and really like your resume. The goal is to have 3 solid candidates go to a face to face. How does that sound?
Al
That sounds great, what company is it
Jason
Whoa! your getting the cart before the horse, we will get into all that soon enough.
Al
Ok, sorry
Jason
This is a medical device company; they are a fortune 200 company and are the leader in their industry. The base salary is 90k with an income potential of 150k. You receive a company car and sizable expense allowance. You would be replacing a rep who was promoted to a position on the west coast. It is a very solid company who likes people from your industry. How does that sound?
Al
That sounds wonderful
Jason
Ok, tell me about yourself
Al
Professionally or personally
Jason
Both, can you think on your feet? Tell me about your professional career.
Al
Well I have been with my current company for about 2 years
Jason
Why are you leaving?
Al
I am limited in my upward growth
Jason
Hmm, so your not promote able
Al
No that’s not what I am saying
Jason
How are you perceived in the company?
Al
Very well
Jason
Talk about your accomplishments
Al
I have won several awards, and am a top producer
Jason
If I asked your boss about you what would he say?
Al
I am one of the best reps on his team
Jason
If you were a flower what would you be?
Al
Huh
Jason
Answer the question
Al
What kind of question is that
Jason
I want to see how quick you are, the job requires quick decisions
Al
dandelion
Jason
Interesting choice, good answer. That shows sensitivity.
Jason
Three words to describe you professionally?
Al
Driven, motivated and professional
Jason
Hmm, professional, you plagiarized my question? Do you know what I would have said? Dainty, Lazy and shiftless. (LAUGHS LIKE HE IS INSANE)
Jason
Favorite color
Al
Blue
Jason
You have done this before huh Al
Al
No, it’s kind of weird
Jason
Are you saying my questions are weird?
Al
No sir
Jason
Cat, bird, mouse who is the better sales person
Al
Huh, ahh, Bird
Jason
Wow, I thought you would struggle with that one.
Jason
What are you most proud of professionally
Al
Most improved award
Jason
So you were bad and improved
Al
Ah, no just a nice award for great improvement.
Jason
If you’re the best there’s no improvement
Jason
Why would I ask you to the next step?
Al
Rambles on not making much sense.
Jason
I have to tell you I am very impressed with you ability to hang with me. My client and I have been working together for 14 years. I am tough but they trust me completely. Al I want you to interview next Tuesday in Chicago, My secretary will give you the details. You fly you pay and we will reimburse, you drive, keep receipts.
Al
Wow, really that sounds too good
Jason
You doubting me, I have 20 other candidates that would give their right arm for this chance.
Al
No sir, ok
Jason
I need an email address other than your companies, I don’t believe in sending out info on your corp. email.
Al
Ok, I understand
Jason
You will receive an email with the details, directions as well as what to wear and what to bring.
Al
Ok
Jason
It’s been a pleasure; if you get the job I will fly to Cleveland and take you and your family out to dinner. That is company policy.
Al
Wow, that would be very nice.
Jason
Alright then good luck Al, I will call you after the interview.
They hang up and the guys are loving it. Jones has secured it so that Mr. Delpino will be at the same place at the same time. Mr. Delpino is a pussy hound and Jones has worked his magic to ensure the two will meet up.
Jones
Do you realize we have Als home number, his home email account and all his relevant information!
Alex
What are you saying Jonesy
Jones
I am saying Al needs to have his own personnel ad that is what I am saying.
Alex
Jonesy, you fat bastard you’re a genius
Jonesy
What are my limits?
Alex
There are no limits, its time for lunch, and we need to get our plans final for the kickoff meeting, I need to call Bob in Detroit.
Jones is finalizing the corp. web site and soon the sex tape will be linked for all the world to see, he has also put Als personal ad together and will have it complete to read at lunch to the guys
INT. LUNCHTIME AT COOKERS
All the guys are there except Lourig, they don’t invite him when they have very bad things to discuss, he tells on them. Koos isn’t there as well for obvious reasons.
Jones
Ok, just want to review Als personnel ad before I put it out on yahoo.
Alex
Go ahead
Jones
I am a 33 year old muscular very bi curious married man, my wife and I swing and will try anything once. I am into bondage, toys
and anal both giving and receiving. Nothing is too kinky; I have defecated on my partners and have been defecated on. If you’re a freak call my home number or email us. If my wife answers, just talk nasty and she will get me on the phone. We are clean and discrete.
Alex and guys
Perfection as always, do it today. I would put his corp. email in the ad as well.
Jones
Good touch.
Alex
By the way I caught wind from Willus in Detroit that they are watching our internet activity. Norris, you have to stop looking at porn and sending those fucked up emails. You’re going to get busted.
Alex
Bobby is rooming with Balsamo. We will have a little fun with the big cat in Arizona. I have my own room, Jones worked out the details on room assignments. He worked his magic.
INT. PA SALES OFFICE 3PM
Ralph drives out to the pa office and plans to stay out in pa for a day or two. He comes into his office and walks by and says high to Mallory
Ralph
Hi Malory
Malory
Hi Ralph, I didn’t expect to see you this week. How are you?
Ralph
Doing well thanks, I wanted to get here for a meeting tomorrow
Malory
Great can I get you anything?
Ralph
No I am good, going back to use an office, is Mike Green in today if not I can use his?
Mallory
I don’t think he is in but he said his office smells pretty bad you may want to try another one.
Ralph
My sinuses are bugging me I don’t think I will smell anything.
As Ralph walks back to his office she calls the guys and lets them know he is there. Ralph opens the door and things look like normal, he sits at the desk and the smell is absolutely dreadful.
Ralph calls Malory
Ralph
Malory what happened in this office
Malory
I don’t know
Ralph
It smells like a urinal, can you have someone come out here and clean this office
Malory
Ok Ralph.
Ralph can’t stand it and goes out into the cubicles. He walks around and things look pretty ordinary. Ralph gets a call on his cell phone. It’s Delpino.
Delpino
Hey Naples have you called Willus yet
Ralph
No why?
Delpino
He needs to be forewarned about the kickoff meeting. He is just as bad as the rest of the guys if not worse. By the way, I had a meeting come up and I cant be in Cleveland on Thursday.
Ralph
Ok I will talk too Willus today.
Delpino
Good, Gotta go. Don’t forget Naples
Delpino hangs up and Jones has set up for Delpino to be at the same place as Canneli in Chicago. Al decides to fly to Chicago. He gets all the information via a fake email that has been set up by the guys. The guys also send fake emails to Mike Green constantly.
INT. END OF WORK DAY IN PA.
The guys come back in from what Ralph thinks is a hard day at work. They smell of beer, and Alex actually has to take one of the guys into the restroom to clean him up, he has beer on his shirt and smells like alcohol.
Ralph
Hey Malory can you get the guys together for a quick meeting.
Malory
Yes Ralph.
The guys meet in the conf. room and Ralph discusses business related stuff as well as the upcoming kickoff in Arizona. It’s a pretty good meeting and they talk for about 10 min.
Alex
Hey boss do you want to go out for a few beers with the guys?
Ralph
No thanks Alex; I have some work to do still.
Alex
Come on boss you hardly know your team; we never do it with you. We need to bond.
I will round up all the guys, just one beer or two?
Ralph
Alright just a few beers.
INT. AFTERNOON LOCAL BAR
The guys go out and hang with Ralph and realize that he is really a decent good guy, that has a nice family and he also hates delpino. He has a few beers and loosens up a bit.
Alex
Hey Ralph, are you and delpino pretty close?
Ralph
Not really, I am not that much of a fan of his and I don’t think he likes me much
either. He is trying to find a way to get rid of me I think.
Ralph
That’s why if you guys truly like me as your boss you will be on your best behavior.
Alex
We do like you and sure will.
Ralph
Guys I better get going, I had a few beers and better get to my hotel room.
Alex
No way, come on its early.
They talk Ralph into letting loose; they hit the clubs and nude bars and have a blast.
INT. LATE AFTERNOON
Leslie and Joey they meet with the attorney briefly to discuss the situation in person. Joey is dressed horribly and Leslie is embarrassed to be seen with him in person.
Leslie
Don’t embarrass me and don’t forget what we spoke about.
Joey
Don’t sweat it man.
Leslie
I am not your man, idiot.
Joey
I got it covered.
The secretary comes out and after they fill out paperwork they go back to the attorney’s office.
Attorney
Good afternoon Mr. and Mrs. Kovach sit down and relax, can I get you
Folks anything to drink.
Leslie
No thanks.
Joey
Do you have red cream soda?
Attorney
Uh, I don’t know I can check.
Leslie
He is fine. Joey you can wait.
Joey
I love red cream soda, and am thirsty since I am hurt you know. The man offered.
Leslie
Laughs, he is fine Mr. Carpenter.
Joey
No I am hurt and thirsty.
Attorney
Why don’t we get started shall we.
Leslie
Yes, lets.
Leslie gives Joey an icy stare.
Attorney
Joey please tell me what happened in as much detail as you can.
Joey
Depth and me were buying grout for a job; we buy bags that are usually open so we can
save some dough. But I guess its r. That’s Crazy shit man
Leslie
The accident Joey
Joey
Ya, well we were leaving and the manager this big roid freak is swearing and yelling because Depth was calling him a monkey. We go into the truck and as we back up this dude in a two plows into us. He gets out and asks if we are ok, then calls the police and they write up some report and we leave to go home and tell Leslie what happened.
Attorney
Ok, what are your injuries and have you seen a physician?
Joey
I hurt bad dude all over, ya we went to some doc who has me going to another doc
Attorney
I would like you to see this physician. He specializes in your type of situations.
Joey
He know people who were hit by tow motors?
Attorney
No, but people who have been in accidents with multiple injuries. But its important that you rest, don’t work and get therapy as soon as possible. You need to heal and we need to make sure what the extent of the injuries as well as put a plan together to get your well.
Joey
Dude, I need to work man. I gotta pay the bills.
Attorney
Joe, I am not telling you what to do, you have the ability to make your own decision, but I am advising you that if your hurt you need to get treated and your in a job that is physical and would advise you don’t further your injuries with your strenuous job.
Joey
I cant promise.
Leslie
He will follow your guidance Mr. Carpenter.
Attorney
Call me Scott.
Leslie
Ok, Scott.
Joey
Can I call you Scott too.
Attorney
Sure Joey of course.
They talk some more and then leave. They get out and Joey is upset about something. They talk as they head out to the car to leave.
Leslie
Joey you need to follow what he says you hear me.
Joey
Hey man he was flirting with you, saying call me Scott, what’s up with that.
Leslie
Listen dammit zip it and listen carefully, he was being nice. You better not mess this up; this could be worth a lot of money Joey.
Joey
Life is more than just money ya know.
Leslie
Ya, I live in a shithole with neighbors who think I am a racist, your friends
Are losers and you lay tile. I think Money isn’t a priority.
Joey
You cant take it with you...
Leslie
What the hell does that mean?
Joey
Exactly. How bout some lunch I am hungry?
Leslie
Ya but we don’t have a lot of time, we have to get the kids.
EXT. JOES CAR
Leslie and Joey head to a restaurant they frequent once in a while. They sit down and the waitress comes over.
Waitress
Can I take your order?
Joey
I will have my usual.
Waitress
Ok, what would that be, Have I waited on you folks before?
Leslie
Pardon him he is a Mongoloid
Joey
Ya and I don’t even work out. I got hit by a tow motor.
Waitress
Ok, can I please take your order.
Leslie
I will have a salad with an ice tea and my husband I am ashamed to say
Will have a double cheeseburger with everything, fries and a vanilla
Milkshake
Joey
That is my usual. Mark that down and put it somewhere so you wont forget.
Waitress
Oh, ok. Thank you.
Waitress walks away
Leslie
You are a complete buffoon do you know that. You cant be this dumb, you have to be acting. Its impossible to not do this intentionally.
Joey
It be possible, Leslie.
Leslie
Now do you know why we never get invited anywhere and why the kids teachers and people laugh at you constantly.
Joey
They love me.
More arguing then the food comes and the scene fades out.
INT. NEXT MORNING
Jones gets in early to work on a few things on the computer as well as review where the team’s numbers are and finds something isn’t adding up. He gets curious and digs deeper. While he is looking Alex comes into work.
Alex
Jonesy what’s up, is Ralph in
Jones
No, check this out.
Alex
What is it?
They review the online numbers and there numbers are way up, they look at the other regions and they are up too.
Alex
What is this you’re looking at?
Jones
I don’t know, I was just putting in one of my orders and found this.
Alex
Damn, we are kicking ass this month.
Jones
We aren’t I don’t know where those numbers are coming from?
Ralph walks in, looking like hell.
Ralph
Good morning guys, good to see you bright and early.
Alex
Hey Boss, you don’t look so good, I made some coffee.
Ralph
I don’t feel so good, what you guys doing.
Jones
Hey Ralph, take a look at this.
Ralph
That’s delpinos personal spreadsheet that he submits to corp. showing our daily and monthly numbers.
Jones
Take a look at our numbers are they right
Ralph
Hmm, wow those numbers aren’t right. The Cleveland numbers are up too. Hey Jones can you email me that link?
Jones
Sure boss!
Ralph goes into the conf. room and starts to review past numbers and realizes something is terribly wrong.
EXT. CHICAGO AM.
Al Lands at the airport and takes a cab to the hotel where he is supposed to meet the person he interviews with. The fake person of course. He gets to the hotel and looks around. He sits down and out in the distance he sees Delpino. His heart is racing; he watches and sees him talking to a girl. They start to walk over his way, he freaks out and runs out the hotel and changes his mind. He doesn’t wait around to realize the guys have played him again.
INT. AL’S HOUSE
Al’s wife answering the phone getting one call after another on sex talk and crazy sexual conversations. She checks voicemail and they have about 30 messages
As Al drives to the airport in a cab his wife called and said he has some explaining to do.
Als Wife
Al, I am getting calls all day about some perverted sex ring your in
Al
What are you talking about?
Als wife
You get home as soon as possible.
She hangs up
INT. LATER IN THE AM.
Meanwhile Mike Green shows up at a large account that the guys have canceled. Mike has ordered lunch and has a big presentation to present. Mike shows up at the fancy office with food as well as all his equipment.
Receptionist
Hi may I help you?
Mike
I am Mike Green National Account Executive from Orion and I have a lunch meeting with Tim Randall and his staff.
Receptionist.
Hold on sir and I will let him know you’re here.
Receptionist talks to Tim on the phone.
Receptionist
I am sorry sir, but Tim stated you canceled the meeting. He has another commitment.
Mike
That can’t be.
Receptionist
Sorry sir. I can reschedule for another time.
Mike
Your wrong Miss, I have it down and haven’t cancelled.
Receptionist.
I am sorry, but you are not on the schedule.
Mike walks out confused with lunches and a bunch of equipment. This is the 5th time this has happened where his meeting has been changed or canceled. He is adding things up and is thinking it’s the guys. He gets in his car and races to the office.
INT. OFFICE
Ralph has spent the better part of the day reviewing numbers and printing them off. He is convinced Delpino is doing something to the numbers and can’t believe it. He is contemplating calling Delpino but is afraid if it is true. Ralph decides to call Mr. Artis
Ralph
Hi, Mr. Artis please
Mr. Artis secretary
Who is this please?
Ralph
Ralph Naples...
Secretary
Hold please.
Artis
Hello this is Kevin.
Ralph
Hi Mr. Artis, it’s Ralph Naples.
Kevin
Hi Ralph, what can I do for you I am in a meeting!
Ralph
Sorry, oh it will take more than a few min.
Kevin
Call me later, is it important?
Ralph
I don’t know yet?
Kevin
What do you mean you don’t know; Better yet find me in Arizona if it can wait.
Ralph
Ok, great see you in a few days.
Kevin hangs up.
Ralph is nervous, but now digs deeper and finds out that Delpino has done something pretty bad.
Jones walks into the room
Jones
Hey Ralph, I did some more digging and it looks like delpino is up to no good.
Ralph
Don’t look anymore Ok, I have it covered.
Malory pages Ralph on the intercom.
Malory
Hey Ralph I have Sandra Phillips-Malloy VP of hr on the phone.
Ralph
Who, what does she want? Ok put her through.
Phone rings
Ralph
Good Afternoon this is Ralph speaking
Sandra
Mr. Naples this is Sandra from Corp Human Resources I also have Timothy Bolton from corp. Security on the line as well.
Ralph
What can I do for you both?
Sandra
We need to fly out to pa immediately we have to talk to some of your employees about some very disturbing use of email, and corp. internet protocol.
Ralph
What happened?
Sandra
I would like to discuss in person with you as well as the following employees. Can you have them in the office tomorrow morning to discuss?
Ralph
No, not until you tell me what happened.
Timothy
Mr. Naples we have been monitoring emails of the sales employees as well as web activity for sometime and we have some very disturbing findings that we need to discuss with them tomorrow and since you’re their boss you need to be present. It is very serious stuff.
Ralph
Ok, what time?
Sandra
We are scheduled to land in pa at 8:05 am. Can we have them in at 9:30 please do not
tell them what it’s for. I would like to meet with you first and share with you our findings. Can we then have at 10 am Alex Moranis, 10:30 Rick Roskovich 11 am Mike Balsamo and down the list.
Ralph
That’s almost my whole sales staff
Sandra
Yes I know. Thank you Mr. Naples and we will see you tomorrow.
Ralph is stunned and doesn’t know what the hell is going on. He proceeds to call the guys and let them know they have a quick meeting at diff. times tomorrow. Alex calls
Alex
Hey Ralph what’s going on?
Ralph
Nothing, but we just each have to talk to someone from hr for a few min. tomorrow.
Alex
What, what did they say?
Ralph
Nothing much, don’t sweat it. We can discuss in the am.
Alex and Ralph hang up and Alex calls the guys to meet at the bar. He talks to all of them on the phone and realizes something is up.
INT. Office 4:45 pm
Mike Green goes into his office.
He sits down and the smell is making his eyes water, he sniffs around and opens a drawer inside is human feces. He freaks out and calls Mallory, but she left.
Mike
Those guys have messed with the wrong guy. Its payback time. Those cocksuckers will pay.
Mike is furious and plans his attack for the am. He has an idea and will get the ring leader Alex first thing in the am.
EXT. EVENING CANNELIS HOUSE
Al pulls up to his house to find that his belongings are all over the yard. He walks in and his wife shows him their personal ad. She freaks out.
Als wife
You twisted son of a bitch. What kind of perversion are you up too. You balding fat fuck get out of my house.
Al
Your nuts, its not me, I didn’t do this, its those sobs in pa. They don’t stop messing with me.
Als wife
Stop blaming them for your twisted sex life. Get out.
Al is thrown out of the house and he calls Ralph.
Ralph
Good afternoon Ralph Speaking
Al
Good afternoon Ralph its Al, and I got a problem.
Ralph
Hey Al where were you today? I tried to reach you a few times and your phone was off.
Al
I was out on the road, The guys did something terrible to me and now my wife has thrown me out.
Ralph
What did they do?
Al
I don’t know but it appears people are calling our house because of some personnel ad that was set up under my name. I know it those jerks in pa.
Ralph
Are you sure it was them?
Al
Yes I am sure, I certainly wouldn’t do it.
Ralph
Ok, get me the info and I will check it out. Can I call your Rene and make it better.
Al
Yes please, but make sure those guys pay. Please call my wife and tell her what’s up. HELP.
Ralph
Give me the number.
Ralph calls Mrs. Canneli
Ralph
Hi Mrs. Canneli, this is Ralph Naples Als boss.
Als wife
Hi Mr. Naples, Al is not home at the moment.
Ralph
I know I am calling to let you know that your husband didn’t do what you think he did, we have some suspicion that it may be a
prank and I am going to certainly get to the bottom of this. I am terribly sorry and please take your family out to a very nice dinner on me.
Als wife
Mr. Naples with all due respect, that was unacceptable and the calls I received where absolutely horrible. If this is true we will have a law suit over this Mr. Naples
Ralph
I can only imagine, and rest assured I will get to the bottom of it. I understand completely.
Als wife
Thank you and you better get to the bottom of this.
After they hang up, she receives another call.
Caller
Hi I am 32, male athletic, and a physician who wants to experiment.
Als wife
You son of a (pause), you’re a physician
Caller
Yes, A very successful one who is married but likes to be naughty on the side.
Als wife
Oh really.
INT. PA OFFICE AM
Alex and the guys meet for breakfast to plot their strategy.
Alex
Deny everything; say someone used your password or laptop while you are away. Do not give in.
Guys
Ok, nobody tell on each other. We will be fine.
Sandra and Tim get in and go into the conf. room to set up. They are about to begin to sit down with Ralph to discuss the situation.
Sandra
I need to make a private call, is there an office I can use?
Ralph
Yes, use Mike Greens office I think its open. I will show you where it is.
They walk back and Sandra goes in and shuts the door. As she goes to sit down, Mike Jumps out from under the desk.
Mike
I got you now you mother.
He stops in his tracks and runs out.
Sandra is horrified and runs back into the conf. room. She said someone was hiding under the desk, what the hell is going on around here.
Sandra gets composed and she and Tim sit down to discuss with Ralph what has been going on.
Sandra
Ralph we have been tracking web site usage as well as email correspondence and we have some very troubling, sexual related,
disgusting stuff that has been going on for a while.
Tim
We have made copies of emails that have been sent to each other and other people within the company and outside the company. Someone in this office has posted a porno movie of what appears to be employees of this company engaging in sexual activity as a link to our corp. web site. There is an employee from this office who continues to change the company website and hack into areas of the company’s infrastructure.
Ralph
Who is it?
Tim
We don’t know, but hope to get that out in this interrogation. But we do have emails that have been sent amongst the team that is bad enough for termination. That is something we are going to leverage.
Ralph
Can I see it?
Sandra
Ralph we would prefer to wait until the indiv. In question are in the room.
Ralph
Ok, fair enough.
Sandra
Can you call in Alex Moranis?
Ralph
Sure I will go get him.
Ralph brings in Alex and sits him down, he is calm and collects.
Sandra
Please state your name.
Alex
Alex Moranis.
Sandra
Please state your position.
Alex
I am a senior account executive
Sandra
Please state how long you have been employed by Orion
Alex
5 years and some odd days
Sandra
What is your employee id?
Alex
2394-097
Sandra
Mr. Moranis are you aware you signed a document when you started that your pc is for work use only and any other usage including. Etc is grounds for immediate termination.
Alex
Yes
Sandra
Mr. Moranis we have called you into this meeting because of some serious improprieties relative to internet activity as well as corp. email abuse out of this office.
Alex
Ok
Sandra
Have you seen or know of anyone sending emails from other people’s pc when they are not around, or using company internet for pornography as well other a pornographic material?
Alex
No
Tim
Mr. Moranis we have reason to believe that either you or someone in this office has posted a porno movie and other pornographic type site visits as well as defamation of the corp. web site from this office.
Alex
Wasn’t me and I don’t know of anyone else who would do something so terrible!
Tim
If we find out you know about it or were involved you will be terminated immediately.
Alex.
Ok, is that it?
Sandra
Yes.
Sandra escorts Alex out of the office. Alex then calls the guys on the phone to give them a heads up.
Sandra
Ralph can you bring in Rick Roskovich and Kal Koosman together.
Ralph
Ok I think Kal is here too.
Ralph gets the guys and brings them in. Sandra goes through the same questioning on background like she did to Alex.
Sandra
Mr. Koosman we have 5 emails that were sent from you to Mr. Roskovich as well as other members of the team that I need to read to you.
Koos
Ok
Sandra.
Email dated August 7, 2002 at 10:07 am to Rick Roskovich Subject Your testicles.
Dear Rosko,
The guys were wondering if your testicles were shaved or unshaved? I say they are shaved and lickable.
Email Dated August 18th Subject My labia
Rosko, my balls itch, did you put something in my pants, when I took them off at the bar
last night. I woke up and my balls were so swollen I couldn’t walk.
Email Dated August 21st at 2:34 pm to Rick roskovich, Malory, etc. Subject, Runway strip or forest. Mallory, the guys were wondering if your box has a runway strip, I recently watched rosko shave his balls and it looks good on him, a picture would be nice since the movie is fuzzy. How bout a t-bag.
Sandra
Email dated
Tim
I think we get the message.
Sandra
Mr. Koosman those emails came from your pc while you were logged in. Can you please comment on them?
Koos
I didn’t send them; somebody in this office sends emails from others pcs when they are away from their desk. I swear it
Sandra
Mr. Koosman we are confident that you sent those out, because other emails where sent out legitimate ones before and after.
Koos
I didn’t send those out, I often get up to have a smoke or use the can and forget to lock my pc. You have to believe me.
Tim
Mr. Koosman, if you did this its grounds for immediate termination.
Koos
I have a family and wouldn’t do it.
Sandra
Mr. Roskovich you didn’t respond to his emails, why not.
Rosko
Because they were wrong and no Mr. Koosman oh too well, he would never do such a thing. Mike Green has a problem with some guys in the office and I think he sabotages there stuff when ever he can. Did you talk to him?
Sandra
Mr. Green, isn’t that the office I went into today Ralph
Ralph
Yes.
Sandra
Tim lets add him to the list to discuss.
After more discussion and no resolution they ask them to leave and they take a break and discuss the situation with Ralph.
They then call in Lourig
Sandra asks the questions as she did to the rest of the guys.
Sandra
Mr. Louring you’re a fairly new member of the team at Orion.
Louring
Yes maam.
Sandra
Do you like it here?
Louring
Yes Maam.
Sandra
Mr. Lourig we have some disturbing emails that you have sent out over the past months I will read them too you.
Lourig
Huh, I only use my email for work related stuff.
Sandra
Email dated August 6th at 9:21 am To Midwest distribution. Subject: Who would like me to stick my finger up your ass?
Lourig
I didn’t write that, that’s not me
Sandra
Email Dated August 6th at 10:21 am. To Midwest Distribution list. Subject: Wieners
Have you ever had a wiener with relish? I recommend it. The tellitubbies are evil. Pass it along.
Lourig.
Somebody sent that from my pc. They do it all the time.
Sandra/Tim
Who?
Lourig
(Pause, pause). I don’t know, but if I catch them they will pay.
Sandra/Tim
Mr. Lourig if you’re keeping any information from us, we will find out and your job is in jeopardy. It appears that you are writing these.
Lourig
I am not but if I did there not pornographic, bizarre but not pornographic
Sandra/Tim
Fair enough, Mr. Lourig we will be back in contact with you.
Sandra and Tim meet with a few more individuals and after almost a full day are frustrated with the lack of cooperation. They however contact Mike Green before they leave for their trip and have dialog with him.
DIALOG WITH MIKE GREEN. They go behind closed doors to discuss
The guys have gone down to the watering hole and called Ralph on the phone.
Alex
Hey Boss, how are you holding up?
Ralph
Not good what the fuck goes on around here.
Alex
Come down to the first floor and have a beer with us.
Ralph
I better not.
Alex
Boss you need one and so do we, we also need to talk to you.
Ralph
Ok.
Ralph heads to the pub. They guys are all there.
Alex
Ralph we are a top team right?
Ralph
Yes
Alex
We work hard and play hard, we are sorry if we caused any problems but that’s not why we asked you to come down.
Jones
Delpino is scamming the shareholders and the company; he is inflating our numbers and is getting away with it.
Ralph
How do you know?
Jones
Trust me, we know and we need to take him down, that squirmy
Alex
Jonesy relax, let’s take him down the right way. We will get you everything you need. You need to go to Artis with this.
Ralph
Get me what you can; I gotta head home to Ohio.
Alex
Ok, see you Monday in Arizona.
Ralph
Oh shit that’s right, guys please be good.
Alex and the guys
For sure boss.
INT. OHIO AFTERNOON
Ralph gets home to Ohio and calls his buddy Marky who has been watching his wife to see what has been going on.
Ralph
Hi Marky its Ralph I am heading home from Pa and wanted to follow up and see if you found anything out.
Marky
When you get closer call me and meet me at the lizard.
Ralph
Marky come on man, I can’t wait that long.
Marky
Just meet me at the lizard.
Ralph gets to the lizard and lets Marky know he is there. They meet at a table and Marky starts to tell him what is going on.
Marky
I am just going to say it, she is seeing someone, I have photos and they are meeting at your place, a hotel as well as his place. Here are some pictures.
Ralph
Holy shit its my fucking neighbor, dammit look at them. Oh my god.
Marky
Are you ok? What are you going to do?
Ralph
We have kids man, we are married, why would she do this and why would he do this to me? I am going to kill them!
Marky
Don’t do anything crazy Ralph. You have kids.
Ralph
I gotta go out of town tomorrow for a meeting, I am a mess. My life SUCKS Marky.
Marky
I am here for you, don’t do anything till you get back, you don’t want to lose your job or anything…
Ralph
I may lose my job, my wife, everything. What have I done to deserve this? I am a fucking failure.
Marky
Bartender, bottle please.
They drink themselves into the later part of the evening.
INT. LOWES STORE
Joey and Depth sneak out and get supplies for an upcoming Job. The go back to the lowes where he was hit.
Depth
How many bags do we need?
Joey
Let’s load up about 10...
Depth
Ok.
They load up bags of 80 pound cement and put it in the cart. The muscular guy is watching them. They check out and as the do Joey finds another isle with more product he loads a few more on and tries to leave.
EXT. PARKING LOT.
The manager comes out and said he you guys didn’t pay for all that stuff. Joey and depth try to leave and cant get away. The manager stops them.
Manager
You guys trying to steal!! BY THE WAY ARENT YOU INJURED!
Joey
Ya I am hurt and we paid for this man.
Manager
No you didn’t pay and your in trouble now.
Joey and Depth
F you man, we paid and we are outta hear.
Manager
Don’t ever come back you asshole.
Joey and Depth take off and drive the cement to Depths place so Leslie won’t know what they did.
INT. LATE AFTERNOON JOES HOUSE
Leslie and Joey are home and the phone rings.
Leslie
Hello
Attorney
Hi Mrs. Kovach, this is Scott Carpenter attorney at law. I got a disturbing call from a contact at Lowes attorney firm.
Leslie
What was it?
Attorney
They have tape of your husband lifting 80 pound bags of cement earlier today as well as trying to steal some extra bags. Is this true if it is, then this case is over and they may try to come after him.
Leslie
I sure hope it isn’t true, I will ask him and surely call you back.
Attorney
Please do, I am a busy man Mrs. Kovach and you will receive a bill for my time if this is true. Good day Mrs. Kovach.
Leslie
Joey, where were you today when I went shopping.
Joey
Here, why?
Leslie
Well, it appears you were on tape loading product up at the very lowes where you got hurt. If that is true, then you better get your keys and walk out the door because I will kill you right now.
Joey
Huh?
He gets his keys and runs out the door.
EXT. RALPHS CAR
Ralph pulls into his driveway and pulls into the garage, he has to pack and get ready for his trip in phoenix. As he walks in his kids are in bed and his wife Rene is watching TV.
Rene
Hey Ralph, how was the trip?
Ralph
Ok, tired, going to bed…
Rene
Want to watch some tv, I have dinner in the fridge if you want it.
Ralph
No, need to pack and get some sleep.
Rene
Oh, ok goodnight.
Ralph
(grunts)
EXT. PHOENIX ARIZONA MONDAY AFTERNOON.
The guys are getting off the plane and heading to the hotel, they are ready for 4 days of meetings, fun and plenty of games.
INT. DR. OFFICE CLEVELAND, OHIO AFTERNOON
Mrs. Canneli has met the physician at his office where he has bondage set up. Things get crazy.
Al gets off the plane and is terrified but is sharing his room with Lourig who he trusts. Willus and Balsomo are rooming together and the rest are also bunked up.
The meeting is company wide and there are about 5,000 plus employees for training and motivation to kick off the rest of the year and what’s in store for next year.
Alex has tasked the guys to find out Greens room number.
Rosko
Greens in room 317 get Willus and let the fun begin. The guys made sure they got in early to enjoy and party. They have found Greens room number so that all the rounds of drinks get billed to his room. Willus is a wild drunk and he gets out of control.
They are at the bar.
Willus
Guys I have to be somewhat sober, I have to present a new product tomorrow in front of everyone. (laughs)
Alex
I have seen you drink all night and give the best fucking presentation ever.
Willus
Toast, to fun, hiding from meetings and fucking with Delpino and Green.
All
Salute.
Delpino walks into the bar with a big cigar and looks over at the guys with a mean look but doesn’t say anything too them. He talks to some head honchos and then leaves.
Alex
Hey guys lets find another bar after a few rounds of shots so we can check out the local scene.
Rosko
I will sign off on the check. Mike Green is a good tipper.
Rosko signs off room 317 Mike Green and they take off.
They get crazy and Willus has the guys in stitches. He is a big time partier, and he gets hammered. He is slurring his words and it’s around 1:30 am and the guys say we better get back. They get to the hotel and Balsomo gets Willus into bed. Willus can’t sleep and gets his bathing suit on for a swim. He goes down to the pool, and makes a spectacle of himself.
Alex calls balsomo
Alex
Let’s mess with Willus
Balsomo
What do you want to do? He left the room
Alex
His presentation is at 10 am, get up quietly and rolls back the clock about 3 hours. So when you leave in the morning set the clock back to like 4 am. Set the alarm so it looks like it’s at 7 am. We will call him at
(cont)
about 9:45 and wake him up. When he gets back to the room call me.
Balsomo
He will kick my ass
Alex
Don’t sweat it, we will take credit...
INT. 2 HOURS LATER.
Willus is wasted and gets back in the room, he starts yelling at balsomo and calling him a pussy. He stumbles into the bathroom and breaks the shower door and vanity. He gets into bed and passes out.
Balsomo calls the guys and they sneak in. They shave one of his eyebrows and shave a big spot in the back of his head. They write on his mattress and put lipstick all over his face and body.
Balsomo
You guys are fucked up; he is going to kick my ass.
Alex
Relax, we will tell him we did it. I got an idea. Let’s call room service at and tell them we need the room done ASAP. Write with this marker on the bed.
Rosko writes in permanent marker. If I am asleep please wake me, I may have defecated myself too so be careful.
Willus starts to move around in the bed so the guys leave, they are all tired and the fun is only beginning.
INT. NEXT MORNING HOTEL ROOM
Balsomo gets up and quietly leaves and turns the clock back. He closes the blinds and sets the alarm. He gently closes the door. Its 8 am but the clock reads 5 am and he sets the alarm for 6:45 am. He gets to the lobby and meets the guys for breakfast and gets a copy of the daily itinerary. The guys are giggling like school girls.
At 8:30 the big opening ceremony starts with all the bs and pomp and circumstance as well as the surprise celebrity speaker tomorrow. There are so many people that the fact the willus isn’t there is no cause for concern. The speeches run late, so Alex has to sneak out and call room service to wake willus up. They will begin the breakout and Bob is slated to present at roughly 10 am. Alex calls the maid service in desperation, Please I am out of towels and I am running late please come in my room and wake up my roommate.
The maid walks in and sees willus nude, fat and laying on his bed a mess, writing on the bed etc. she wakes him and said you called to be woken and room service.
Willus
What time is it?
Maid
9:37 am
Willus
Holy fuck, I gotta go.
Willus hurries up and gets dressed and doesn’t have time to look in the mirror. He runs out and finds a copy of the itinerary and realizes what room he has to be in. People are already inside and in walks Bob. They look in amazement and there is silence. Ralph runs up the front of the room.
Ralph
Bob what the hell happened to you?
Bob
What…
Ralph
Did you look in a mirror?
Bob
No, I overslept.
Ralph
Let’s get you out of here, Alex can you get Sanders to do this presentation for me.
Alex
No problem.
Ralph shuttles Bob out of public view and gets him out to his room. He gets him inside his room and takes him into the bathroom, which is trashed and bob looks in the mirror.
Bob
What the fuck is this?
Ralph
What happened last night?
Bob
I don’t remember, I was awakened by the housekeeping lady and last thing I remember was doing shots in the pool last night.
Ralph
Bob, you can’t do this stuff, even though you’re gifted this is corp. America and your going to get yourself fired. Look at you, your head is partially shaved, you’re missing an eyebrow and you have lipstick all over you.
Bob
I wonder who the hell did this, I will ask My roommate and Alex. Those fuckers wouldn’t do that to me.
Ralph
I am sure they wouldn’t, I will ask them as well. Clean yourself up the best you can
Bob
How am I going to do that, look at me? FUCK.
Ralph
Where a hat and shave the other eyebrow.
Bob
I will kill the fuckers that did this.
Ralph
Better yet you better hang low in the room ok?
Bob
No way, but I will hang low.
Ralph walks out of the room and back down to the meetings. He runs into the head guy in sales Kevin Artis.
Kevin
Hey what the hell is going on with Willus?
Ralph
I don’t know, he wasn’t feeling well.
Kevin
Delpino said his head was shaved and somebody painted his face?
Ralph
No Kevin, he is sick from the flu.
Kevin
Hey what did you call me for?
Ralph
Can we go sit somewhere for a min?
Ralph and Kevin sit down and Ralph shows Kevin the information he found on Delpino, they talk for a while and Ralph shows him information that he has compiled they talk for a bit longer and then Kevin gets up and leaves. Ralph sits and watches Kevin talk to some other big shots they look at Ralph talk some more then leave. Ralph sits and ponders if he made a terrible mistake.
Meetings adjourn and the guys leave to enjoy the nights drinking and fun.
Alex gathers the guys to plan the night.
Alex
Let’s get changed and meet in Balsomo and Willus room and check on the big cat.
The guys get cleaned up and meet up in Balsomo and Willus room
Willus
Hey fuckers what the hell happened last night?
Balsomo
Dude you told us you had a presentation so we all hit it early so we could hit it hard tonight. I got to the room we both turned the light off and 10 min. later you’re in a bathing suit and out the door. Next thing I knew a bunch of people are carrying your fat is into bed. That’s all I remember.
Koos
I saw you partying hard, doing shot, with some hot chick too; Canneli was drunk and kept feeding you shots.
Willus
Really?
Koos
Canneli was laughing at you, and gave you a shot a min I think.
Willus
I am going to talk to that fucker. Hey I do remember getting this hookers card I think. Hold on I think it’s in my trunks.
Alex
Guys lets hit the hotel bar on MR. Greens room of course than hit the clubs tonight. Somebody get a hold of Lourig and baldoni and make them come down for a few. Don’t want to make them feel left out.
INT. LOBBY
Delpino calls Ralph down.
Delpino
Listen to Me Willus was a mess this morning and was urinating in the Jacuzzi last night and had what appeared to be a prostitute at his side. You better that those crazy fucks in order or you will be fired by cob tomorrow.
Ralph
Understood, they are grown men and I didn’t know Willus was out last night.
INT. FLASHBACK LAST NIGHT
Sequence watching willus in the Jacuzzi out of control.
Delpino
Naples, I am watching you and those lunatics your ass is mine if there is one slip up.
As Ralph walks away, Kevin Artis comes up to him.
Kevin
Hey Ralph, I need to talk to you about the information you gave me. I need to meet with you first thing in the morning. This is pretty serious stuff and I have some people from Corp. that I have passed this on too.
Ralph
Sure Mr. Artis, just tell me where and when
Kevin
It’s Kevin and 7:30 in the venitian room 2nd floor
Ralph
Ok
INT. ONE HOUR LATER.
The guys are at the bar. Willus is getting crazy. The coax Canelli and Lourig down to the bar. They party for a while. Willus wonders off and Lourig and Canelli slip back to their rooms. The guys want to hit some clubs and Alex signs the bar bill which is 470 dollars and signs it mike green and his room number. It’s about 9:45 and the guys are trying to find willus to hit the clubs.
Alex
Where did the big cat go?
Balsomo
I don’t know, lets find him so we can leave.
Alex also pretends to be Canneli and goes to the front desk and gets another key to his room for later.
The guys wait about a half hour and decide to take off, after trying his room and cell phone. Willus calls the hooker and she meets him at the hotel. Bob is absolutely hammered and she finally shows up about 10:15 Bob is all over her and he lost his room key so they call and knock on doors till he finally realized he remembers Lourigs room number. The knock on the door.
Lourig opens the door.
Lourig
Bob what you want?
Bob
Lourig this is Amber move we are coming in.
Lourig
Bob we have meetings all day tomorrow and we are going to bed!
Bob
Lourig you pussy its 10 pm, you fags are the only ones in your room at this time.
Lourig
Please bob!
Canneli
Bob really we want to get a good nights rest. I love Mike Ditka and he is talking tomorrow I hear.
Willus
Fuck ditka and fuck you, this is Amber she Is my women.
Amber
Bob lets go, sorry to bother you guys.
Willus starts to kiss Amber and she reciprocates, they are going at it in front of the guys and he starts to take her clothes off.
Amber
She whispers this is going to be extra.
Willus
(Doesn’t hear her but says) whatever you want my love.
Willus pulls out the ironing board and now Amber is nude. The guys are laying in their own beds looking on in fascination and horror. Bob now is nude and is ready to have sex with her from behind on the ironing board.
Lourig
Willus for Christ sakes what the hell are you doing?
WIllus
Not now douchbag…
Lourig
We don’t want to watch your hideous self fuck this women.
Amber starts to move away, and bob pulls his pants up, he sees a camera its Cannelis camera but he doesn’t realize bob has taken it. He tells Alex to jump in bed with the guys and he starts to take photos of her in compromising positions. The guys smile awkwardly and he takes shots of her with both guys.
Lourig
Please guys can we go to bed?
Amber
Let’s go Bob…
Bob puts the camera back without the guys noticing, and leaves the room.
Lourig
That guy is fucking insane, but she was pretty cute.
Canneli
Ya, she was very nice.
Back to Willus he is wasted and his phone rings it Alex.
Alex
Dude where are you, meet us at this address.
Willus
I am with Amber, she is hot and all mine for the night.
Alex
Bring her too, get the fuck over here.
Willus
Ok, Amber you want to head out to meet my friends.
Amber
It’s your dime baby
Willus
Huh, Ok
They take a cab and head over to the club, the party and are getting crazy and having fun, Bobs shirt is off and he is almost unconscious. It’s about 2 am and the guys head back.
Alex
He I got a key to canneli and Lourigs room. Lets fuck with them
Balsomo
What do you want to do?
Alex
I don’t know yet, but get the permanent marker.
Meanwhile Bob is being carried out, and Amber is pretty pissed. She takes his wallet and leaves him by himself. She figures he owes her about 300 dollars but takes all his money. Bob is almost unconscious on the street he has lost a shoe and his shirt is torn. Another employee who knows Bob gets him a cab and explains to the driver to get him to the hotel.
INT. LOURIGS HOTEL ROOM
Alex and the guys sneak into the room. Both Canelli and Lourig are asleep. They take all of their clothes except a mismatched pair, they turn back the alarm and Alex writes Fuck ditka on the back of Cannelis head in permanent marker. The guys also write delpino sucks on the back or lourigs neck. They leave the room.
EXT. TAXICAB LATE EVENING
The cab takes bob to the hotel, and gets him out of the cab, bob doesn’t have any money and bob falls to the ground, and tries to get up. The concierge helps Bob in and pays the driver and gets bob into his room. Bob passes out, the guys show up in the room and shave a large part in bobs hair and write pussy on the back of his neck.
Alex
Hey Balsomo make sure you turn the alarm back again.
INT. 7 AM NEXT MORNING
Ralph meets in a private room with Kevin and some attorney types, they talk for a while and conclude the Delpino is doing something wrong and he is going to be in major trouble after the meetings today.
Its about 15 min from Mike Ditkas motivation talk to the group and its getting pretty full in the auditorium. The guys are all sitting together and have saved seats for bob, lourig and canelli. Cannelis seat will be one in which Ditka walks by him.
INT. LOURIG AND CANNELIS ROOM
Lourig wakes up and takes a shower and doesn’t realize that he has writing on himself, he gets dressed and the covers are over canneli, he looks at the clock and realizes its early, he puts on his watch and freaks out when he realizes its almost 9:45 am. He wakes up canneli.
Lourig
Al gets up its 9:45. I am going down to save you a seat, hurry up. Don’t forget ditka is talking at 10 am get your camera.
Canneli Jumps out of bed and since he is bald cleans up and brushes his teeth gets dressed and doesn’t realize what is on the back of his head.
INT. WILLNUS HOTELROOM
Again room service comes in his room and he is lying naked with his hair shaved in the middle and a dead body outline drawn around him in pen around his bed. The mirror has writing that reads. I kill Housemaids.
The lady comes in and screams, waking bob up. He looks at his watch hurries and gets dress and runs down to the show.
INT. GRAND BALLROOM 9:55 AM
Kevin Artis talking.
Al, Lourig and Bob walk in at different doors, to the horror of looks. They don’t notice and Alex is calling them over to sit by them. They sit Al right by where ditka will walk by.
Kevin
Orion Team we are a winning tradition and as we continue to dominate our market this year and many years to come we thought it appropriate to have this years speaker discuss and talk to our group about what he and his team did to dominate there industry. Coach of one of the greatest football teams
The 1986 bears to talk to our great team. Coach Mike Ditka.
Ditka walks from outside and passes Al, and looks and elbows him to the head as he walks by.
Ditka gets on stage and has the spotlight go to Al and escorts him out. He then talks for a while to a standing ovation.
Meanwhile as Al is escorted out Delpino pulls Naples into the hall
Delpino
Naples your so fucking F
He is stopped by Artis who comes out behind him
Artis
Delpino you need to come with us.
Delpino
What are you talking about?
They escort Delpino off, and in a room where he is promptly fired and handcuffed.
Canneli is taken to the bathroom and cleaned up.
Artis comes back after Ditka and thanks everyone for a great year, and closes the meeting. As they are walking to check out. Artis comes up to Ralph.
Kevin
Hey Ralph, thank you for bringing all this to our attention, We have decided to fire Delpino and would like you to replace him effective immediately.
Ralph
OH my yes sir. Thank you I wont let you down.
INT. HOTEL CHECKOUT.
Alex and the guys watch Mike Green check out and see him argue over the bill, he sees them laughing and points as the run off.
INT. OHIO AFTERNOON
Back in Ohio Ralph has gained confidence, a promotion and has asked his guys to take care of his wife’s lover in their special way.
The guys take care of the guy who has been boning Ralphs wife in a very special way>
INT. RALPHS HOUSE
Ralph walks up to his wife, who is in the kitchen.
Ralph
I want a divorce and am going for custody of our children.
Rene
What, why Ralph?
Ralph
You’re a cheating, ugly, mean bitch, you and our asshole neighbor our meant for each other.
Rene
(Silence).
Ralph walks out with his head high and happy again.
Fast forward.
Al’s wife picks up the pictures from Als camera; she sees them and throws his clothes outside again.
EXT. SOFTBALL FIELD.
After a great year Ralph sets up a softball game between Cleveland and Pittsburgh and the guys are still having fun and pranking but love Ralph and are doing well. After the game the guys are talking and having pop at the pavilion where there are many employees both sales and non sales. Koos gets behind lourig and pulls his shorts down all the way to his ankles, as he bends over to pull them up Alex pulls his shirt over his head like a hockey player. He is completely nude facing the crowd as they look in horror. He starts to run and chase the guys.
The below comes up on the screen.
Alex Moranis quits and joins the cast of jackass
Al Cannellis wife wins the next Mrs. Howard stern contest.
Lou Delpino goes to prison and becomes the girlfriend of ten inmates including Martha Stewart.
Rene’s boyfriend hasn’t been scene since.
Ralph goes on to write a book about his experience and it goes on to be a best seller
Al Canneli is selling shoes at payless
Lourigs is the top sales rep in the country and still gets no respect.
THE END.
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