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FAITHIt is six months since we received news of Adam’s death. His estate has yet to be settled and the occasional correspondence filters through. These are largely magazine subscriptions or a news update from the plumbers’ union. We are still deciding what to do with Adam’s possessions. I have been wearing his jeans and a couple of his shirts. It is important to connect, to do things that encourage a sense of closeness. We have a candle which we have dedicated to Adam. We light it when we want to be quiet and think about him, when we want to share with God our deepest thoughts and feelings and receive His comfort and assurance. We are not in recovery. We are being recreated. It is not healing we seek but how to accommodate the tragic loss of our dear son; how to live with the pain and sadness and numbness and despair; how to interpret these events and to construct a future that honours Adam and celebrates the importance of his life.It has been said, “Personal tragedy has the potential to dismantle your faith or to strengthen it.” When we first heard of Adam’s death our lives were instantly altered but what of our faith? Can faith survive an experience that wounds deeply, that shatters your dreams? We are changed people, scarred by the fires of adversity, searching for meaning. Our thinking may find a certain orderliness, but our emotions will not be contained. This is the real issue. How do we resolve the disconnect between our head and our heart? One writer likened it to a divorce. It is one thing to intellectually argue a case but if our experience is contradictory, we have a dilemma.This was part of Adam’s struggle. He knew that God eternal is merciful. In his personal evangelism he applied the principle of grace and mercy to the humble. In his preaching he declared mercy to those who truly repented. And yet when confronted with his own sense of personal failure God’s mercy seemed to elude him.I consider it a mystery how mourning can turn some people soft and others hard. I am acquainted with certain people whose grief immersed them in the holy. But I know others whose suffering tore a spiritual cleft between them and the divine, folks whose faith died right along with their loved one. Sometimes when we most need faith it seems to flee into the night.For Everything a Season Philip Gulley Many people find God elusive. They will argue that when they needed God most, He was apparently absent or when they needed a word of hope or comfort, God was silent.Faith is asserting what we know to be true. Faith acknowledges that God is all loving, all powerful even when our world is falling apart. When the disciples of Jesus found themselves in a storm that threatened their existence they turned to Jesus, a ‘sleeping’ Jesus. They were frantic to awake him. Jesus stood and cried out to the wind and the waves and a great calm descended. It was then he turned to them and questioned their lack of faith.Faith recognizes who has the authority. It acknowledges that God may choose to act decisively, or He may hold back. We are not able to manipulate God. God is unchanging. This I believe.But my faith remains in question. Am I able to survive the trauma of loss? Am I confident that I can monitor my progress, that I can understand my grief? Do I have the courage to look at my son’s life, to confront the demons that may have contributed to his demise?Sometimes my role is that of an archeologist digging over the remains, looking for any fragment that might shed light on a life that lost its focus. At other times I am the detective asking questions, looking for a motive, endeavouring to uncover the facts and to assemble what evidence is available.I look to the past to gain understanding and inspiration. I look to the past to help me ‘live’ in the present. I look to the past, but God protect me from losing myself in a labyrinth of memories, real or imagined. ................
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