M4 - A Guide to Assertiveness

Module 4 - A Guide to Assertiveness

Content

Chapter 1 ............................................................................................................................. 2 4.1.1 Defining Assertiveness ....................................................................................... 2 4.1.2 The importance of Assertiveness .................................................................... 3

Chapter 2 ............................................................................................................................. 5 4.2.1 Developing Assertiveness .................................................................................. 5 4.2.2 Assertive Communication Strategies.............................................................. 6 4.2.3 Assertive Language & Behaviour Techniques .............................................. 8 4.2.4 Summary & Next Steps ................................................................................... 10

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Chapter 1

4.1.1 Defining Assertiveness

Hello, and welcome to the Work Ready module on Assertiveness. During this section, we're going to consider the concept of assertiveness in more depth. We'll be exploring what it means, and how you can learn how to be more assertive - both in your personal life and when it comes to your career. Confidence and assertiveness are closely linked but have fundamental differences. Confidence is really a mental state of mind, assertiveness on the other hand is a set of skills and traits that encompasses how you communicate, how you carry yourself and how you interact with others. Importantly, it is a communication skill that enables you to state your needs, feelings and opinions clearly, openly and honestly with the intention of reaching a mutually satisfactory outcome. When properly implemented, assertiveness is an excellent skill both for managing your relationships with others and managing your relationship with yourself. For many people though, being assertive can be difficult, and attempts to become more assertive can sometimes lead to aggressive behaviour, or the opposite - overly passive behaviour. It's not always easy to identify truly assertive behaviour. This is because there is a fine line between assertiveness and aggression. There's a really simple way of understanding the difference between the two though.

Firstly, it's important to know that assertiveness is all about finding common ground. Assertiveness is based on mutual respect, and being able to find balance, or meet halfway. To be assertive requires being open and honest about your wants and needs while still respecting the needs and wants of other. When you are assertive, you ask for what you want but you respect that you might not get exactly that.

Aggressiveness on the other hand is when someone's behaviour is based on the desire to win. This happens when you do what is in your own best interest without regard for wants needs and desires of others. When you are aggressive, you take what you want ,regardless, and you don't ask.

Being assertive is not necessarily easy, but it is a skill that can be learned. Developing your assertiveness starts with a good understanding of who you are and a belief in the value you bring.

When you have that, you have the basis of self-confidence. Assertiveness helps to build on that self-confidence and provides many other benefits for improving your relationships at work and in other areas of your life as well.

When you act assertively, you act fairly but also kindly. The power you use comes from your self-belief, and not from intimidation or bullying. When you treat others with such

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fairness and respect, you get that same treatment in return. You are well-liked and people see you as someone they want to work with.

It takes a great deal of effort to become assertive and it does not happen overnight. In a sense, when you decide to be assertive, you choose to make it a way of life, you choose to operate from a position of equality and respect. You respect your own rights, values and beliefs whilst also respecting the rights, values and beliefs of others.

In the next section, we'll be exploring why assertiveness is so important and how it can change your life - I'll see you over there.

4.1.2 The importance of Assertiveness

Welcome back, I'm glad you're joining me again. During this section we'll be looking deeper into the different traits that enable us to be assertive and why each one is so important.

So, we know that assertiveness is a skill that can be developed, but also that it's not always an easy task to develop it. Why is it then that it's such a worthwhile skill to work on?

There are multitude of reasons why you should choose to be assertive, and we're going to be looking at four key reasons why assertiveness is so important, starting with improved self-esteem.

1. Improved self-esteem.

Your self-esteem is underpinned by how you view yourself. How you see yourself affects the way you view the world. For example, if you have negative self-image, it may result in a pessimistic view of the world, and you may miss out on opportunities because of it.

When you choose to be assertive you adopt a positive but realistic self-image. You do not see yourself as superior to others, but you also do not see others as being superior to you.

When you take this view, you realise that everybody in the world is different but equal, and you expect others to accept that about you too.

Understanding this allows you to deal with the occasions where you disagree with others, it helps you meet in the middle.

2. Improved understanding of others.

When you are assertive, you learn to view others in a more realistic context. Rather than see them as threats, you realise that they are simply trying to achieve their own objectives. When others make a request of you or ask for a favour, they do so because they believe that you are the best person to help them achieve their objectives. Rather than view them

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as competitors or inconvenience, you start to see them as people just like you, trying to achieve their own goals. If you can work collaboratively with these people, and reach your goal whilst helping them reach others then that's just great! If you can also keep in mind that everybody has their own goal and use this to understand and empathise with others, it will enable you to work situations where through issues and conflicts.

3. Improved self-awareness and self-confidence.

When you choose to be assertive, you develop a greater respect for your own opinions. You realise that not only do you have the right to your own opinion; you have the right to express it.

Even when you feel that your opinion will not be accepted, you are comfortable expressing it. This builds your confidence and saves you from spending time going over what you wished you had said or what you think you should have said. The more assertive you become, the clearer you become about who you really are. You gain a better awareness of your identity, your values, your beliefs, your likes and your dislikes.

You are comfortable expressing your views and where others disagree, you are happy to agree to disagree. You do not feel any sense of loss when you agree to disagree, nor do you feel that you have upset anybody.

4. More time and energy. When you choose to be assertive, you express your views clearly and the issue gets dealt with there and then. You don't spend time and energy fixating on issues that simply just need to get resolved, and this frees up your emotional energy and headspace for other, more positive thoughts and experiences.

With passive behaviour, you fail to express your views and you let situations build up. You spend precious time and energy ruminating over the incident, thinking about what you could have done differently.

Worse than that, if the situation persists unchecked, you will eventually snap and show aggressive behaviour. If you snap outwardly by becoming aggressive with others, you end up creating a mess which will takes time to repair. If you snap inwardly by giving up or turning on yourself, you can end up negatively impacting your headspace.

So, there you have it - developing assertiveness is so important for improving your selfesteem, and your understanding of others. It also builds your self-awareness and selfconfidence, and enables you to use your mental and physical energy to focus on achieving goals and positive, fulfilling experiences.

In the next section, we'll be hearing from employers about what assertiveness means to them. I hope you get a lot out of learning how it's impacted their lives, and that it inspires you to really develop the skill!

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Chapter 2

4.2.1 Developing Assertiveness

Hello again, welcome to the Work Ready guide on Developing Assertiveness. You now have an understanding of what it means to be assertive, so let's move our focus to how to be assertive. In this section, we're going to be looking at practical methods and tools you can use to develop your assertiveness. Always remember that being assertive is a skill and, as with all skills, it will take you some time to master. In the same way that you would train to run a marathon, don't think you can do it all at once but rather focus on building up slowly, and training yourself over time. We're going to start by looking at two key behaviours that you can being to practise right away to help you build up your assertiveness - beginning with how starting small.

Start small. In order to become more assertive, start small by practicing your skills in situations in which you feel most comfortable, or those for which you are able to practice in advance, and build yourself up in stages. For example, you can probably safely assume that someone will cut in front of you in a queue at some point during your life, so why not take some time to think about how you will react next time that happens? Think about what you currently do, and what you should do in order to assert yourself. Small by taking some time to rehearse the words you will use the next time it happens, and your tone and delivery so you're ready to put it into practise when you need to! Practice in front of a mirror, practice out loud or do it in your head, and just get comfortable with using assertive language and gestures. It may seem a little odd but you will quickly get used to it! Once you are comfortable using this technique with yourself, try using it with a friend. It's easy to be assertive in your head but getting comfortable with using assertive language and behaviour in real life can take some time, and being able to bounce practise with a friend can be really helpful. Once you become more comfortable with being assertive, you'll find that it becomes second nature.

Learn to say no. Another really important part of being assertive is being able to say no when saying no is what feels right to you. People worry that saying no is selfish. It's not, actually, setting healthy limits is critical to having healthy relationships and a key part of being assertive. There is nothing more likely to undermine your sense of self and your inherent confidence that feeling like you are obliged to do something that you really don't want to do. It's disempowering and makes us feel helpless or out of control. By saying no, you're expressing what your limits are and that's an important step in order to be true to yourself and build confidence.

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