Columbia College



the auto-regulating iresolved:taking to my private corners like a primal crypsis. i perform mimesis and recite the day’s same decrepit script. //pleasewatch meas i submit to the seduction of self-determination//degradation:the body succumbs to a certain legislationi legislate, make stricture. i posture myself counterto the reflection in the mirror,its fogged disclosure exacerbatedby the broken air-conditioner:by what rule am i held inside myself?i say, this hand is my hand and i see it in the mirror, this tiny view from here i know the self as a bodyin this house as an image in the mirror//i perfect the perfect hellocalibrate the angles of my smile: ineffably neighborlyand practice small talkingthe sun is killing us slowly//outside the bloatwhite clouds pronounce their silver legibility so faintlyand the guests in the doorway make penanceof my interior conditionamendment:black coffee in a yellow mugi brood dark and slow://what a world!nooned by melancholy, i cut down the rogue wisteria and call it catharsis//thoughts pile up like trashin the mindi put small things in large boxes and saythis is how i make myself fullresolved:each day i chase the presentabout the bodega’s green perimeteri take its sidewalk longand let my bad thoughts wildly runi found my mouthgiving iteration:i am a moving thinga multiplicitythe past gets stuck in my teethamendment:in dreams, motherspluck babies from the pastureand give them to mebabies accumulatein my arms like roadkillin the peripheryi take the babiesdozens impossiblyyou want to hold onto everythingamendment:the rainprints on the windowinsist their material presenceand cloud my unperturbed sight//your invented image spreads like pandemic over my eyesi know i am an i because i can say things likelook at how politely i’ve made you in my mindorpardon me as i reconsider my personalitydear diary:i don’t need anyone to love mei don’t need anyone to love mescatologysilence of eternityamendment:i go looking for sounds and make narrative from themi am only humani draw a circle in the sandand say here i have made a place for the authentic self to stay.sometimes i feel a great distancegrowing inside meamendment:what force these crude adornmentseffectso crudely,these grotesque variegations of choreography!the revision is a critical actit is violenti feel vileviolated at the thoughtslovenly meaning secretes from the stupid gapsbetween my dummy teethincursion:ALL OF LANGUAGE IS A PIECE OF TRASHTRASH TALKERTRASH TALKER—oh how long are you going to go on screaming like thatamendment:yr ecstatic egoism proceeds from the capriciousmovements of the unlovely feet‘cause i said so‘cause i said so‘cause i gave a gesture+ said it with my eyes and with my teethget a drink w/me ?get a grip:ON REALITY:you chase corporealitylike an unkindly labradorpink tongue wagging pinklyacross the sun/day like a sun/dance like a like arevisionwe’ll workshop this latera heroic couplet for your thoughts:i stared at the sun until i saw the fact of redi felt the weighty fact of my idiotic headSHORT LECTURE ON SOME MORE WORLDLY THINGS:YOUR NEW FEELING IS THE PRODUCT OF A BYGONE ERROR ERAyup.thank you chadthank you thank you chadyup. yup. chad. thank you.very effectual. mhmm. yup. chad. veryastute.confession:i am runningi am runningi am running awayfrom artifactualityand alsofrom all the ugly photos of meam i annoying?amendment:i engage my leisure actsand resign to a silvering skyi face the moon and in its facesee a history of selvesi see their seeing and still resistbecomingresolved:seen:a small home with the warm in itcrates of green, bulbous fruitmy name printed over the earth in bright red paintamendment:whose distant future exists within you?outside the window is septemberoutside the window is a new and possible dayi take the world with open mouthand chew it slow and loosei’ve sharpened all my sensesto prepare for our beincoming meeting//i thinki amthe one who can take life’s great devicesi balk at its unrolling black:let me watch your watching me as i empty myself systematically to make room for something newN’ GOD SAID: IN STILETTOS LIKE THOSE, I WOULDA THOUGHT YOU WERE THE DEVILWhen I am this / I am no man / you have ever known /Lucifer’s mistress / Bitch boy / Twistedvixen / who boasts / a woman’s walk /In the distance / the sun sets scarletin its blazing sequin dress / Monumentsbloom / like milkweed / at my feet /1,000 ships launch / just for me / I am Hellin / a little black dress / I am Hell / inyour vile wet dream / The boys warover my body / like foul-mouthed dogs /I am the beauty / for which / the Trojans losttheir shit / Apollo got bored / of nymphs /& has been chasing / me ever since /Take me like a prize / & never / give meback / Call me Cassandra /A wicked Scylla bitch / Then God / interruptslike he does / says: But thou shalt not steal…Many men have fallen / into my eyes /& never come back / They cometo me hungry / looking / for communion /But oops? / I drank all the wine& the blood / All I serve themare looks / This is my body / This is my body /This / is my good, good body /& God says: Haven’t we had enough? /Hasn’t this been / really fun?? /You’re really starting / to confuse /some people here… / Confuse? /I pierce / through confuse / with my dagger /-teethed talk / My rhetoricis red-hot / as a burning bush / I strutdown the street / & Hark! / my heels hammera hallelujah / Back home / I take offmy gown & shoes / I shimmerlike a glitter-dusted dime / I sweatthe soft scent / of honeysuckle / Daniel& I eat an apple / in the shower / & I amchristened / a holy thing / I call Danieldaddy / & he’s like, Yup! / In the water /I am become / every earthly wanthe’s ever hungered / I am returned /I blasphemous / being / I fierce fire /I no one’s woman / I fuck Daniellike a lion / Call it creationism / Call itThe Big Bang / The apocalypse / comeswhile I’m fucking / my man& God / says: This is just how I predicted it /The sky opens / at the split / of my lips / Infernal raineverywhere / The sky / Our mouths /Spilling from Daniel’s / two green eyes /The masses riot / outside /underneath cover / of a blood-heavy night /& God says: Look / at the horroryour body / begets & lie in itHis words / are a broken heelin my throat / Faggot or not /the body still burns / a red-gold / A boyis desired / until he becomes / a not boy & diesMorning glory / Morning glory / MourningAll day / & through / every ordinary nightVIAsome remember[us better than what we were[and i think so, too:two geese[pointing their silly headssouth.]yes—[that’s us, we thought.but oh the bitter august]wind[it came through us[with its music unattached[i can’t remember you[as i remembered you then[what is memory after all?if it’s the bitter]august[like kindling[then that’s what]we are.[Two geese in ]the skySeparated by ]impossible[[squall[so ]fickle[I thought you could ]to see me[that unkindly[[We returned to that ]familiar place[Look, ]meaning[remember:august is ]gold[[rhyme[[In ]]the grasses[better than a lover[with a pond comes a certain ]stillnesssilveringTwo geese in the silver ]hoydenishyet[no more[[[perpetual sunset[[Fleeting]feathers and[There was ]a song[what I always was.NotesA version of “the auto-regulating i” appears in Deluge no. 14.A version of “N’ God Said…” appears in Cosmonauts Avenue.“Via” draws from a writing exercise by Columbia School of the Arts Professor Dorothea Lasky that responds to Anne Carson’s If Not, Winter: Fragments of Sappho.The redactions that mark “Via” were determined by a random number generator to best emulate the randomization effects of natural defacement. The resulting poem, now containing randomly determined silences, approximates the obfuscation or reconfiguration of meanings that proliferate from the imposed silences of the fragment. ................
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