American School Health Association



Figure 1: Potentially Unhealthy Relationship Behaviors Sometimes a relationship might not be abusive, but it might have some serious problems that make it unhealthy. There are many signs that you or someone you know might be in an abusive or unhealthy relationship. Unfortunately, it can be very difficult to recognize abuse in the context of a dating relationship. Abuse is often intertwined with healthy dating behaviors making it challenging to determine if the relationship is unhealthy. Let’s review some actions that might fall within the “gray area” of unhealthy dating behaviors. Gets angry when you talk or hang out with other friends or other dating partnersPrevents or discourages you from seeing friends or familyMonitors what you're doing all the timeBosses you aroundDecides things for you that you should be allowed to decide (like what to wear or eat)Pressures you to have sex or to do something sexual that you don't want to doSwears at you or uses mean languageBlames you for his or her problems or tells you that it is your fault that he or she hurt youInsults or tries to embarrass you in front of other peopleThreatens to harm himself or herself when upset with youSays things like, "If I can't have you then no one can."The Office on Women’s Health. (2015). In relationships: How do I get out of an unhealthy or abusive relationship? Retrieved from . Department of Health and Human Services. (2015). Violence Against Women: Am I Being Abused?. Retrieved from Figure 2: Ending an Unhealthy Relationship Staying TogetherIf you decide to stay, make sure you are honest with yourself about your decision. While an unhealthy relationship can become healthy with enough time and dedication, it is unrealistic to “fix” an abusive relationship. Remember, at the end of the day, you can only change your own behavior — not your partner’s.Another possibility is that you want to break up, but you may not be ready or it may not be possible to safely leave your abusive relationship. Try following these tips:If you go to a party or event with your partner, plan a way home with someone you trust.Avoid being alone with your partner. Try to make sure that other people are around when you’re together.If you’re alone with your partner, make sure that someone knows where you are and when you’ll return.How to Prepare for a Break UpYou may feel pressure from your friends and family to just break up and move on, but we know it’s never that simple. Here are some things to keep in mind when thinking about breaking up:The person you’re dating has probably become a huge part of your life. You might see more of them now than you do your friends or family. So being scared about feeling lonely after the break up is normal. Talking to friends or finding new activities may make filling your new free time easier.You’ll probably miss your partner after you break up, maybe a lot. Even if they’ve been abusive and controlling, it’s normal to miss them. Try writing down the reasons you want to end your relationship and keep them as a reminder for later on.If your partner is controlling and jealous, they may make a lot of decisions for you. It can take time to adjust to making your own decisions again. If you start to feel helpless or overwhelmed, tap into your support system.You may be scared to end your relationship. If you are, take that fear seriously. Use our safety plan workbooks below to think through the dangerous situations you may encounter.Breaking UpEnding an unhealthy or abusive relationship is not like ending a healthy one. Your abusive partner may not accept the break up or respect your boundaries. They may try to control you through guilt trips, threats or insults. It may be very difficult to have a peaceful or mutual breakup with an abusive partner. Just know that as long as YOU are ok with the decision, it’s ok if your partner is not. If you’re thinking of ending your relationship, consider these tips:If you don’t feel safe, don’t break up in person. It may seem cruel to break up over the phone or by email but it may be the safest way.If you break up in person, do it in a public place. Have friends or your parents wait nearby. Try to take a cell phone with you.Don’t try to explain your reasons for ending the relationship more than once. There is nothing you can say that will make your ex happy.Let your friends and parents know you are ending your relationship, especially if you think your ex will come to your house or confront you when you’re alone.If your ex does come to your house when you’re alone, don’t go to the door.Trust yourself. If you feel afraid, you probably have a good reason.Ask for help.After Breaking UpJust because an unhealthy or abusive relationship is over, doesn’t mean the risk of violence is too. Use these tips to stay safe after ending your relationship:Talk with your friends and family so they can support you.If you can, tell your parents what’s going on, especially if your ex may come by your home.Talk to a school counselor or teacher you trust. Together, you can alert security, adjust your class schedule or find other ways to help you feel safer.Avoid isolated areas at school and local hangouts. Don’t walk alone or wear earphones.Keep friends or family close when attending parties or events you think your ex might attend.Save any threatening or harassing messages your ex sends. Set your profile to private on social networking sites and ask friends to do the same.If you ever feel you’re in immediate danger, call 911.Memorize important numbers in case you don’t have access to your cell phone.National Domestic Violence Hotline & Break the Cycle. (2013). Dating Basics: Should We Break. Retrieved from 3: Making a Safety Plan for getting out of an unhealthy or abusive relationship Sometimes, leaving an abusive relationship can be dangerous, so it is very important for you to make a safety plan. Leaving the relationship will be a lot easier and safer if you have a plan.Directions: The first column provides tips for making a safety plan for leaving an unhealthy relationship. The middle column provides a prompt for you to think about. In the final column, respond to as many of the prompts you can by indicting information that is true or representative of you. Safety Plan TipPrompt: If you were in an unhealthy relationship…Your responses1. Talk with your friends and family so they can support you.List at least two friends and at least 2 family members you could talk to for support.Friends:Family:2. Talk to a school counselor or teacher you trust. Together, you can alert security, adjust your class schedule or find other ways to help you feel safer.Name 2 trusted adults at school you would trust to ask for help. 1.2.3. Talk with other trusted adults like a doctor, spiritual leader or community leader.Name another trusted adults you could talk with for help. 4. Tell the person who is abusing you over the phone that you do not want to see him or her so they cannot touch you. Do this when a trusted adult is home so you know you will be safe in your house.Why is it considered a good idea to break off the relationship over the phone and while a trusted adult is near? 5. Document your experiences:Use a diary to keep track of the date the violence happened, where you were, exactly what the person you are dating did, and exactly what effects it caused (such as bruises). Save any threatening or harassing messages your ex sendsWhy is it important to keep a record of the abusive events? 6. Avoid contact with the person.Why should you avoid contact with your ex?7. Spend time with your other friends. Keep friends or family close when attending parties or events you think your ex might attend.How will spending time with other friends help keep you safe?8. Avoid isolated areas at school and local hangouts. Don’t walk alone or wear earphones.Why is it important to avoid isolated areas and avoid using earphones?9. Set your profile to private on social networking sites and ask friends to do the same.How might making your social networking profile private help protect you?10. Think of safe places to go in case of an emergency, like a police station or a public place like a restaurant or mallName 2 places you would go if in an emergency situation. 1.2.11. Carry a cell phone, phone card, or money for a call in case you need to call for help. What strategy will you use to make sure you can always call for help?12. Memorize important numbers in case you don’t have access to your cell phone.Name 2 people whose number you will memorize.1.2.13. Use code words on the phone that you and your family decide on ahead of time. If you are in trouble, say the code word on the phone so that your family member knows you can't talk openly and need help right away.Name 2 people who will know your “code word” and will get you help if you use it while talking to them. 1.2.14. Call 911 right away if you are ever afraid that the person is following you or is going to hurt you.Why is it important to call 911 immediately if you suspect danger?15. Keep domestic violence hotline numbers with you in a safe place or program them into your cell phone. The 24-hour National Domestic Violence Hotline?is 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TDD).What are 2 advantages of calling a domestic violence hotline? Would you be willing to save the National Domestic Violence Hotline to your contacts on your phone? Why or Why not?1.2.Circle: Yes/NoWhy?The Office on Women’s Health. (2015). In relationships: How do I get out of an unhealthy or abusive relationship? Retrieved from ................
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