Bullying: Stopping the Pain and Violence



Help Your Child Be Bully Free

(Handout for Parents)

by

ALLAN L. BEANE, PH.D.

Author of The Bully Free( Program

Bully Free( Systems, LLC

Website:

Email--abeane@

Phone (270) 227-0431

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Goals of Presentation 2

Overview of Bullying 2

Why must bullying must be prevented and stopped? 3

What are the warning signs? 4

Starting at Home 5

What should I do when I find out my child is a victim of bullying? 5

What should I do when I find out my child is a bully? 6

Assertiveness Skills for Children Who are Bullied 7

Assertiveness Skills for Siblings (Bystanders) 8

Note: Some of the strategies mentioned in this handout can be found in the awarding winning book Protect Your Child From Bullying by Dr. Allan Beane, .

Help Your Child Be Bully Free

by Allan L. Beane, Ph.D., Bully Free Systems, LLC

abeane@,

Goals of Presentation

• To increase your understanding of the nature of bullying.

• To present the rationale for preventing and stopping bullying.

• To discuss what to do when you find out your child who is bullied.

• To provide you with tips for helping your child who bullies others.

• To provide strategies for siblings to use as bystanders.

Overview of Bullying

Definition of Bullying

Types of Bullying

• Direct (physical and verbal)

• Indirect (social/relational)

• Other (cyber bullying, etc.)

Physical Bullying

• Hitting, slapping, elbowing and shouldering (slamming)

• Pushing/shoving

• Kicking

• Stealing, damaging or defacing property

• Restraining

• Pinching

• Flushing someone’s head in the toilet

• Cramming someone into his or her locker

• Sexual harassment

Verbal Bullying

• Name calling

• Insulting remarks and put-downs

• Repeated teasing

• Racist remarks and harassment

• Threats and intimidation

• Whispering about someone behind his/her back

Social and Relational Bullying

• Destroying and manipulating relationships

• Destroying someone’s reputation

• Embarrassment and humiliation

• Negative body language (facial expressions, turning your back to someone)

• Threatening gestures

• Ranking (socially classifying someone)

• Hurtful graffiti

• Excluding someone from a group (social rejection/isolation)

• Mean and nasty notes passed around or sent to someone

• Hate petitions (promising to hate someone)

Other

• Cyber bullying

How are boys and girls different in their bullying behavior? (girls are more social/relational – indirect, girls turn on friends, girls who bully may act like angels around adults, etc.)

How frequently does it occur? (20% or more, some students receive an average of 213 verbal put-downs per week, average duration time: 37 seconds)

When and where does it happen? (starts at age 3 – increases and becomes more physical toward end of elementary years, worse in middle school, continues into high school, happens in bathrooms, hallways, stairwells, cafeteria, playground, buses, locker rooms, classroom and other high-risk areas)

What are the warning signs that a child is a victim? (Sudden change in school attendance, Sudden change in school performance, Sudden loss of interest in favorite activities, No friends or fewer friends than other children , Unexplained physical injuries, Frequent headache and stomachache, Loss of appetite, Nightmares, Sudden change in mood or behavior, Overly sensitive, cautious, clingy, and angry, Sad, lonely, depressed, and anxious, Loss of self-esteem and self-confidence, Prefers company of adults, Seeking friendships with the wrong people, Starts bullying others)

What are the warning signs that a child is a bully? (Seeks to dominate and/or manipulate peers, Enjoys power and control, Loves to win at everything; hates to lose at anything, Poor winner (boastful, arrogant) and a poor loser, Gets excited when conflict arises between others, Stays cool during conflicts in which he or she is directly involved, Exhibits little or no emotion (flat emotionally), Always blames other people for conflict, Shows little or no remorse for his or her negative behavior – lack of empathy for others, Disregards rules and disrespectful, Defiant or oppositional toward adults, Expects to be “misunderstood” or “disrespected” – attacks before he or she is attacked, May or may not have poor self-esteem, Cruel to animals)

Why don’t students report it? (embarrassed, fearful adults will make it worse, have seen adults told and nothing was done, embarrassed because they haven’t stood up for themselves, etc.)

Why must bullying be prevented and stopped?

• More prevalent today and in more serious form

• Numerous Lawsuits

• Numerous criminal cases involving bullying

• Bullying declared a civil rights issue

• Occurs in every school

• Creates fearful environment

• Poor school attendance and dropouts

• Negative impact on learning

• Toxic shame (creates lack of trust in self, others, and may not trust life to be good to them)

• Self-harm (mutilation)

• Suicide

• Raises risk of suicide in bystanders

• Common theme in school shootings

• Runaway from home

• Gang membership

• Cult membership

• Hate groups

• Drugs

• Sex

• Teen pregnancies

• Stress (Post Traumatic Stress)

• Depression and anxiety disorders

• Long lasting emotional effects

• Creates society problems

What are the warning signs?

Characteristics of Victims

• Sudden change in school attendance

• Sudden change in school performance

• Sudden loss of interest in favorite activities

• No friends or fewer friends than other children

• Unexplained physical injuries

• Frequent headache and stomachache

• Loss of appetite

• Nightmares

• Sudden change in mood or behavior

➢ Overly sensitive, cautious, clingy, and angry

➢ Sad, lonely, depressed, and anxious

• Loss of self-esteem and self-confidence

• Prefers company of adults

• Seeking friendships with the wrong people

• Starts bullying others

Characteristics of Potential Victims

• Sensitive

• Shy

• Poor social skills

• Physically weaker and smaller than peers

• Lack of self-confidence and/or poor self-esteem

• Different from peers (physical appearance, intellect, gifted, etc.)

• Difficult personality (irritability, disruptive, quick-tempered, etc.)

• New students are at risk

Characteristics of Bullies

• Seeks to dominate and/or manipulate peers

➢ Enjoys power and control

• Loves to win at everything; hates to lose at anything

➢ Poor winner (boastful, arrogant) and a poor loser

• Gets excited when conflict arises between others

• Stays cool during conflicts in which he or she is directly involved

• Exhibits little or no emotion (flat emotionally)

• Always blames other people for conflict

• Shows little or no remorse for his or her negative behavior – lack of empathy for others

• Disregards rules and disrespectful

• Defiant or oppositional toward adults

• Expects to be “misunderstood” or “disrespected” – attacks before he or she is attacked

• May or may not have poor self-esteem

• Cruel to animals

Starting at Home

• Teach self-control through discipline.

• Communicate a zero tolerance of mistreatment of others by consistently applying negative consequences for bullying behavior.

• Teach the Golden Rule.

• Teach your child that mistreatment and kindness are powerful – creating memories.

• Hold family meetings to teach empathy, sensitivity and values.

• Teach child to control his/her anger.

• Discuss models of acceptance (newspaper stories, television stories, movies, etc.).

• Discuss bullying scenes you watch on television or in movies.

• Teach your child to say, “I’m sorry.” “Please forgive me.” and then be kind to the person.

What should I do when I find out my child is a victim of bullying?

• Be thankful that you know.

• Calling the bully’s parents may or may not work. Many parents of children who bully are understanding and want their children to behave. However, usually it is best not to call the bully’s parents.

• Discuss the bullying events with your child (who, what, where, etc.) – do not interrogate – avoid “Why” and “You” statements.

• Keep a log/diary and take picture of injuries – report physical assaults to school and police.

• Ask your child to write down what happened, thoughts, and feelings.

• Let your child know it is normal to feel hurt, fear, embarrassment, shame, and anger.

• If your child says, “No one likes me at school,” don’t disagree.

• Stay calm – do not be too quick to blame anyone – do not respond until you have details.

• Make sure your child understands that no one deserves to be bullied.

• Explain why bullies mistreat others.

• Ask yourself, “Is my child contributing to this problem?”

• Ask yourself, “Is there anything about your child that needs to be “normalized?”

• Don’t tell your child to retaliate.

• Don’t tell your child to ignore the bullying.

• Tell your child to avoid the bully – when possible.

• Find out what other parents and students know about the bully – don’t mention the bullying.

• Talk to other parents of victims – What have they done?

• Find out if your child’s school has an anti-bullying policy.

• Explain that bullies seek certain reactions – want to hurt you and make you upset.

• Do not promise your child that you will not tell anyone.

➢ Tell him/her you will do your best not to make it worse.

• Express confidence that a solution can be found – give your child hope.

• Contact your child’s teachers (do not be seen at school when you make the report).

➢ Work through school personnel as appropriate and as necessary.

• Ask for an adult your child can report to every day at school. Ask your child to name that person.

• Be patient - don’t give up – maintain and instill hope.

• If possible, file formal charges against the bully – assault, etc.

• Seek a restraining order.

• Ask certain adults at school to befriend your child and to monitor his/her activities.

• Ask grandparents to maintain strong ties and communicate frequently with your child.

• Ask older child who has good morals to mentor your child.

• Involve your child in activities inside and outside school.

• Monitor your child’s whereabouts and friendships.

• Monitor your child’s viewing of violence on television, in video games, and in movies.

• Limit the time your child has on the computer and telephone – rehashing leads to retaliation.

• Watch for signs of anger, anxiety, and depression.

• Watch for signs of Post Traumatic Stress.

• Watch for signs that your child may be suicidal.

• When appropriate, seek professional counseling for your child.

• Make sure your child gets adequate rest, exercises and eats right.

• Help your child identify talents and gifts and develop a hobby – skill of social value.

• Keep lines of communication open with your child and his/her school.

• Don’t be afraid to involve your child in deciding what should be done.

• Develop social skills and teach your child friendship makings skills.

➢ Children with at least one friend are less likely to be bullied (Hodges, Malone, and Perry, 1997).

➢ Having a “best friend” reduces the duration of bullying, emotional problems, and behavioral problems (Hodges, Boivin, Vitaro, and Bukowski, 1999).

• Develop self-confidence and self-esteem (enroll in martial arts, give choices and brag on choices, emotional rehearsal, visualization, etc.).

• Encourage positive self-talk.

• Teach him/her to never walk alone.

• Involvement in service/helping projects.

• If your child has a disability, encourage him/her to talk openly about the disability.

• Provide Assertiveness Training (for your child who is bullied and for siblings) – see attachments

• Teach your child not to expect mistreatment – using visualization – see himself or herself being accepted by others.

• Teach your child to throw something and run – when in danger.

• Transfer your child to another school/district (last resort and may not work).

What should I do when I find out my child is a bully?

• Stay calm.

• Discuss the bullying events with your child (who, what, where, etc.) – do not interrogate.

• Meet and work with your child’s teachers to change your child’s behavior.

• Apply clear, fair, and significant negative consequences (e.g., grounded, child must repay stolen money, timeout, restore what has been destroyed).

• For a day, go to school with your child – wherever your child goes, go with him/her.

• Require your child to apologize (orally and in writing) to the victim.

• Teach child that power can be experienced through doing good (e.g., through service projects, helping others, correcting wrongs, provide leadership role in promoting acceptance of others).

• Help your find an area of interest and a hobby, a job or a way to provide a community service.

• Require child to monitor his/her behavior and report to you—teaching self management and self-control.

• Immediately reinforce/reward positive and accepting behaviors.

• If needed, seek professional counseling for your child.

• Explore reasons why your child is bullying others.

Assertive Strategies for Children Who are Bullied

Bully Free Program



copyright © Allan L. Beane, Ph.D.

abeane@

Note: Use the following information only with the recommendation of your teacher or counselor and your parents. These strategies should also be used with other strategies to keep you safe.

General Strategies:

• Look confident (assertive body language) by standing tall and holding your head up.

• Don’t cry and run off. Instead move closer, turn sideways, and have non-threatening eye contact.

• Keep your facial expressions neutral. Don’t look sad and don’t look angry.

• Hold your arms beside your body. Don’t hold your arms up like you want to fight.

• Make your assertive comment and then walk off confidently.

Specific Strategies:

• Make an assertive statement: “This is a waste of my time. I’m out of here.” (walk off confidently)

• Fogging—(admit the characteristic) soft verbal comebacks. For example, “Allan, you sure are fat.” You could say, “You’re right, I need to lose weight.” (walk off confidently)

• Admit the Obvious—point out that the bully sees the obvious— “Wow! He noticed I have big ears.” (walk off confidently)

• Broken record — repeat “What did you say?” or “That’s your opinion.” or “So.” (Then, walk off confidently)

• Confront bully concerning his/her spreading lies/rumors. (walk off confidently.)

• Expose the ignorance of the student who bullies you. For example, if he is bullying you because of your medical problem or disability, tell him the facts about it. (walk off confidently)

• Give permission to tease– “Well, it’s okay to say what you want. It doesn’t bother me.” (walk off confidently.)

• Use sense of humor (do not make the bully feel like he/she is being laughed at). For example, if the bully says, “You sure do have big ears.” You could say, “I know, sometimes I feel like I am an elephant.” (walk off confidently)

• Make an asset of characteristic. For example, one boy was teased because he lost his hair because of cancer treatments. He said, “Well, I guess Michael Jordan and I are alike, we both don’t have much hair.” (walked off confidently)

• Throw something and run when you are at risk of being hurt or you are in danger.

Assertiveness Strategies for Siblings (Bystanders)

Bully Free Program



copyright © Allan L. Beane, Ph.D.

abeane@

Note: Use the following information only with the recommendation of your teacher or counselor and your parents. These strategies should also be used with other strategies to keep you and others safe.

General Strategies:

• Look confident (assertive body language) by standing tall, with your shoulders back

• Move closer to the bully, beside the victim, turn sideways, and give the bully non-threatening eye contact

• Keep your facial expressions neutral

• Keep your arms beside your body

• Make your stand then leave the situation

Specific Strategies:

• Make assertive statements for the victim: “This is a waste of Bobby’s time and my time. Come with me Bobby.” (walk off confidently with Bobby)

• Use “Fogging.” For example, admit that you also have the characteristic the bully is using to tease someone): “You know, Bobby and I both need to lose weight. Come with me Bobby.” (walk off confidently with Bobby)

• Exhaust the topic (repeated questioning about putdown). For example, “How many people do you know that are fat?” “How overweight do you have to be to be fat?” “How long do you have to be overweight to be fat?” “Come with me Bobby.” (walk off confidently with Bobby)

• Broken record — repeat: “What did you say?” or “That’s your opinion.” or “So.” “Come with me Bobby.” (walk off confidently with Bobby)

• Confront the bully concerning his/her spreading rumors and lies about someone. Refuse to spread the lies and demand that the rumors/stop.

• Expose the ignorance of the bully when he/she is teasing someone because of their disability or medical problem. Reveal the facts. Then ask the victim of bullying to walk off with you. (walk off confidently with Bobby)

• Give the bully permission to tease: “Well, it’s okay to say what you want. It doesn’t bother Bobby and it doesn’t bother me. Come with me Bobby.” (walk off confidently with Bobby)

• Take on the characteristic used to tease someone and use a sense of humor: “You know Bobby and I both have big ears, sometimes we feel like elephants. Don’t we Bobby?” or “You know, Bobby and I both are pretty stupid. Come with me Bobby.” (walk off confidently with Bobby)

• Make an asset of the characteristic used to tease someone: “Well, I guess _______ ______ (a famous popular person) and Bobby look alike, they both don’t have a lot of hair. I wish I looked like Bobby. Hey Bobby, come with me.” (walk off confidently with Bobby)

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Bullying is aggressive behavior that is intentional, hurtful (physical and/or psychological), threatening and persistent (repeated). There is an imbalance of strength (power).

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