Road to Restoratrion
Road to Restoration
20 Ways to Bring Healing to Your Family
by
MARK GREGSTON
HEARTLIGHT MINISTRIES FOUNDATION
PO Box 480 Hallsville, TX 75650
PHONE: 903-668-2173
©2011 HEARTLIGHT MINISTRIES FOUNDATION
Reproduction or duplication in any form of any portion of the material contained in this publication for the purpose of selling or gaining any form of remuneration for this material or any part thereof is strictly prohibited by U.S. copyright law.
Mark Gregston is the founder of Heartlight Ministries, a residential counseling program for teens, and the author of several books and workbooks. For over 30 years, Mark has been helping families and teens through the challenges of adolescence.
A popular speaker, radio host, and seminar leader, Mark offers biblical insights and practical wisdom for parents wanting a deeper relationship with their teen.
Mark and his wife Jan have been married for 35 years and have two children and two grandchildren.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Introduction
1 – Determine if Your Teen’s Struggles are Normal or Abnormal
2 – Restoration Begins with a Plan
3 – Understand the Pressures on Your Teen
4 – Adjust Your Parenting Style from Controlling to Coaching
5 – Find Restoration through Conflict
6 – Help Your Teen Know and Understand Their Boundaries
and Your Boundaries
7 – Give Your Teen More Responsibility for
Everything in Their Life
8 – Look for External Sources for the Problems Your Teen is Having
9 – Pay the Most Attention to Building
Character in Your Teen
10 – New Influences of Their Culture
11 – Don’t Allow Teen Troubles to Trouble Your Marriage
12 – Instill Value in Your Teen
13 – Be Consistent
14 – Learn How to Connect
15 – Prepare in the Tween Years
16 – Calm Your Anxiety
17 – Baby Boomers Who Baby Their Kids
18 – Empower Your Teenager
19 – How to Communicate with Your Teenager
20 – Find Hope
Close
Epilogue
INTRODUCTION
It’s a tough time to be raising teens. In this confusing culture, all the parents I know need as much help as they can get. Parenting in the teen years is rarely boring. It’s usually more like a heart-stopping and unpredictable roller coaster ride. The destination is never in question, but after a decade or so of being “in control” you may quickly find your child slipping out of your control, leading to ups, downs and moments of terror. As soon as you think you have it all together as a parent and feel as if you’ve reached a high point, you’re suddenly slammed into yet another dip, another turn, another uphill climb.
But oh, how much more exciting is the roller coaster ride in the teen years! And how much more challenging! Let me assure you, the thrill of the parenting roller coaster is worth the discomfort; so crawl back into that seat and get locked in for the remainder of the ride. Remain focused on what’s important, and consider this time to be a short blip on the radar screen of your child’s life.
I hope the ideas and comments in this e-book will provide you with the help you’ll get through this period of ups and downs, twists and turns, climbs and free falls, with your relationship and sanity intact. Moreover, I hope the 20 concepts I provide will help bring restoration for families who have felt the strain of dealing with a struggling teenager.
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DETERMINE IF YOUR TEEN’S STRUGGLES
ARE NORMAL OR ABNORMAL
When giving direction in life, parents tend to unfold an old roadmap and expect it to be valid today. But the cultural landscape has changed. It’s like when I looked at a map of Europe the other day. Many of the countries I learned about in school weren’t there anymore; a bunch of new names and new boundaries had taken their place. In the same way, the life directions we give as parents may not fit the real world our children are living in. We tend to say, “Follow these directions…they worked for me.” Then we get a phone call, “Mom, Dad I’m lost!” Now you would think the first response would be, “Sit tight and I’ll come get you.” But some parents shame their child —“What do you mean you’re lost? I told you…”
Now, I’ve never met a child who wanted to be lost. I’ve never heard a young person say, “I want to wander through life not knowing where I’m going.” What I have heard are things like: “I failed to listen because I thought I could find my own way.” Or, “I tried what I through was a shortcut.” Or, “I looked for the landmarks; but it was dark, so it didn’t look the same.” Or, “I asked for help and was steered in a different direction; now I don’t know where I am.”
The reality is that many kids in our culture will get lost. Maybe through curiosity or trauma in their life, or due to the influence of their peers, they’ll get off the right path. Whatever the cause, when our kids are lost, we as parents have to take the responsibility to help them find their way back.
The number one complaint I hear from troubled kids is that they feel so alone. Yes, they may have pushed their parents and family away, but now they don’t know how to bring them back. Relationships are more important than ever at this point, but they may also be under more strain than ever.
It’s vital that we as parents keep the communication lines open, no matter how lost our teen has become. Leave the shaming and blaming out of your conversation. Yes, they’ve made mistakes and have lost their way, but it is no time to push them even further away with “I told you so’s.” Don’t allow any embarrassment you are feeling to block or shape your reaction. Remember they want your time and attention more than ever (even though they may resist it a little at the same time). Most of all they are looking for someone to just listen. Short of compromising your own values and beliefs, be willing to do whatever it takes to lead your child back to the right path.
What’s Normal and What Isn’t
While the culture has changed, our teenagers haven’t. Kids today are still focused on trying to fit in with their peers and to make sense out of life. But parents can get confused by their changes in attitude and the independence they seek, and assume their teenager is becoming rebellious. Do you know the difference between normal teenage behavior and abnormal?
Here are a few normal things for teenagers . . . to fail to do their chores without ten reminders, to put off their homework, to be emotional, to lose important things, to like music that is too loud, and to sometimes counter or question authority. That’s all pretty typical, though it can be aggravating to parents.
To compare, let’s look at what’s abnormal . . . sudden profound changes in personality, angry outbursts of profanity, extreme disrespect for people and things, addictions, sudden failing grades, not sleeping or sleeping too much, extreme weight loss, eating disorders, self-harm, running away, or self-imposed isolation.
Do you see the difference? Normal stuff has to do with being distracted, ditsy, trying to fit in, or flapping their wings of independence. It passes in time, as the teen matures. Abnormal behavior and true rebellion is represented by a growing darkness, hatred and anger in their soul, which tends to only get worse over time.
A young man we worked with described his own experience from normal to abnormal behavior this way. He said, “I felt like the things I was doing were pretty normal—schoolwork was boring, I often fought with my sister and spent most of my time hanging with my friends. But when my relationship with my parents soured, I began to think things were never going to get any better. I became suicidal. I intentionally got bad grades and got in trouble over little things like going out with friends when I wasn’t supposed to. Then, one day in the middle of a fight I started cussing out my parents really bad. I had never done that before, and I knew something wasn’t right, and getting worse.”
Rebellion can be a sign that something is seriously wrong in the relationship or that there has been damage to the teen’s feelings of value and self-worth. Another common cause for rebellion is when a teen is trying to exert their independence in a home where independence is not allowed. They feel boxed in, so they tend to explode.
The best thing to do when you see rebellion in your teen is to first look at what may be impeding your relationship. Could it be that you are still treating them like a child, and need to give them a few more freedoms? Or, has something happened in your child’s life, even unbeknownst to you, that is affecting them?
A lady called me the other day. She said, “I’m struggling with my daughter who has suddenly become rebellious. For instance, she was to meet me after the third quarter of the basketball game, but she didn’t show up until after the fourth quarter and had gone to her locker, which I told her was off limits for the evening.” The mother was quite dismayed, wondering if she should get her daughter into counseling or send her to a therapeutic program like Heartlight for her “rebellion.”
My response was, “I really don’t think she is being rebellious. Yes, she is forgetful and acting irresponsible. She is impulsive and maybe gets a little distracted, but it doesn’t seem as though it was an intentional plan on her part to make you upset or go against your rules.” I went on to give her some ideas for helping remind her teen of the rules and established timetables.
Kids forget stuff. They get distracted. And by definition, they are still a bit irresponsible. Part of the new “normal” today is the shorter attention spans of young people. Yes, they need to obey the rules and remain inside the boundaries you have set, but I want to encourage you to put their behavior into the context of their lives and not label them as a rebel just because they are acting like a teenager. Parents need to recognize the difference between a distracted or foolish child and one who is making a bold “You can’t tell me what to do!” statement. Though both may seem rebellious, only the latter is trying to be.
Restore Your Teen
I’ve worked with thousands of teenagers who have fallen short in life, but I truly believe I have never met a bad kid. Most have broken just about every rule in the book. As a result, many of them think they have messed up so bad that no one—not even their parents or God—loves them anymore. They’ve developed a “what’s the use of trying” attitude, which has gotten them into even more trouble. That thinking needs to be turned around before they will turn around. Where could they have gotten such an idea that they are “bad” beyond repair? Could it be how people have responded to them?
It’s crucial that we never make our kids think they are damaged goods or black sheep. Rather we must love them unconditionally, even through the disappointments and struggles. Think of it this way . . . instead of yelling at them for falling into a hole, it’s much more productive to lower a ladder, climb into the hole with them, and help lift them out.
The important thing to do is to differentiate between normal and abnormal. If it’s normal stuff, strengthen your boundaries and apply consequences. If your teen’s behavior has become dark, secretive, explosive or otherwise abnormal, it’s time that you get them in to see a counselor. Consequences may have no effect on such a teen. As I’ve pointed out, deep rebellion usually has deep causes, and it can take a lot of digging by a trained counselor to get to the root of it.
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RESTORATION BEGINS WITH A PLAN
Parents with a rebellious teenager tell me that their house seems to be falling apart at the seams. The whole family is in a constant state of turmoil and they are walking on eggshells. They say what they most long for is a place of close-knit relationships; where siblings truly care for one another, and where children show their parents respect.
And what about the rebellious teen? What kind of a home does she want? It may seem like she would like a home where she is totally in control and where she can do whatever she wants, but that’s usually not the case. In spite of her disrespect or disobedience, she still wants a good relationship with you; she’s just lost sight of how to get there. Somewhere along the line she has lost a connection with you and cannot find her way back.
Here are a few things you can do to rebuild that relationship:
1. Ask a trustworthy friend to offer advice and let you know if you are on the right track.
In business, I answer to my board of directors. I may not always agree with them, but I trust them to tell me when I might be doing something wrong. They’ve frankly helped me see the forest for the trees sometimes and have kept me from making some business mistakes. You need friends around you like that; wise and trustworthy friends who can give you the same kind of feedback. Tell them what you’d like to see happen in your family and the struggles you are having. Ask them to be completely honest with you. You might be surprised what they say. If they give wise advice, don’t ignore it. Perhaps God has provided them in your life to expose your blind spots, which may be the reason your home is not yet your dream home. Lean on friends to give you better perspective.
2. Believe that change is possible.
Sometimes the hardest thing in dealing with troubled families is for the parents to come to believe that all is not lost. They simply don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Many are like a leopard that never grows a new spot; they find it hard to believe things will ever change. But, scripture teaches us that God offers second chances. People are capable of changing at any time – both you and your teenager. When the pain of your current situation forces you and your teen to look to God and others around you for help, only then will things begin to change.
3. Begin with your mouth and your ears.
You’ll hear this again and again if you listen to my advice on the radio or read my books, so it must be important. Right? The one way to bring about a dramatic difference in how you relate to your teen is to simply be quiet. Don’t engage in negative battles. Get in the habit of asking questions more than offering advice or lecturing. Close your mouth and open your ears. Maybe your teen doesn’t talk to you like you hoped because you spend too much time talking or responding and too little time listing. Even if you don’t agree with what they say, you don’t always have to react. Sometimes they are just thinking out loud and don’t even believe what they are saying. But if you react harshly, they could quickly “own” that statement and square off to defend it.
Release the Tension
It’s important that our homes be a place where everyone can release their tension in appropriate ways and find a respite and relief. If not, your teens will find ways to self-medicate the tension away through drugs, alcohol, promiscuity or self-harm. The pressures of their world are far greater than when we were kids, so let me share with you some practical ideas for relieving tension in your home.
1. Hold the drama. I got a question recently from the distraught mother of a sixteen year old. She asked, “How do I get my daughter to stop being a drama queen and upsetting the entire family? I feel that I have to protect my younger children from her blowups.” I told her that drama occurs because drama works—teens do it because it produces a result they desire. It is an easy way to gain center stage.
Drama is usually crisis-driven; something has happened that they’re responding to by creating drama. And if it works for them one time, they’ll do it again, and again. Of course while that helps them release their own tension, it tends to add tension for everyone else in the family. So I told this mother to say something like this, “If you can’t control the drama; if you insist on being the center of attention by acting out, there will be consequences. Drama is not an appropriate way to deal with whatever is bugging you.”
We have fifty kids in our residential center at Heartlight, so there’s a huge potential for drama, but we quickly put a stop to it. We have a number of ways to get across to them that there are better ways to process the tension they’re feeling and express it appropriately (including talking to their counselor), without unloading tension on everyone else. Putting an end to the drama in your home will help relieve a lot of tension for everyone, and especially you.
2. Learn to laugh. When was the last time your family laughed together about something? Proverbs 17:22 says “A cheerful heart is good medicine.” Laughter short-circuits tension. So, watch a comedy together; find good clean comedians you can all enjoy. Invite friends over who have a good sense of humor. Have a joke night at the dinner table where you assign everyone to bring at least two new jokes and engage in laughter together. Post humorous cartoons on the refrigerator. Text jokes to each other. The point is this, it takes some work, but if your home is tense, you need to bring in some humor to offset it.
Your children watch to see how you respond when things go wrong, and they tend to pattern their behavior after yours. So, laugh at yourself. When you break a glass—don’t get angry, make fun of your clumsiness. When your teen makes a mistake, don’t get angry, make light of it — “Wow, you really blew it this time! I guess we have a lot of yard work to do together.” Making anger part of your “punishment” will never improve the situation; it will only damage your relationship. Anger from the parent can come across as demeaning, so it can short-circuit the lesson to be learned. Because instead of the teen contemplating the stupidity of his own actions, all he feels is anger right back at the parent. So instead of getting angry next time, let the consequences teach your teen the lesson they need to learn. In fact, do as we do, we work alongside our teen residents as they complete their consequences (we prefer using yard work as a consequence – without the IPod – because it gives a teen time to think). Working beside them lets them know that we are on their side, that we are feeling their pain, and that we want to see them do better.
While it’s true that “The family that prays together stays together,” it’s also true that the family that laughs together stays together, because laughter helps overcome tension and stress. Your teenage boy is going to release his tension in some way. It is far better to release it through laughter than slamming doors, recklessly speeding down the road, or putting his fist through the wall.
3. Talk to your teens differently. Talking will help relieve tension, but sometimes it takes some prying to get a teenager to open up. So ask lots of questions; not about specifics, but about how they feel about things in general. Avoid questions that can be answered with a “yes” or “no.” Instead try asking open-ended questions that will get them thinking and talking. Teens process life out loud, so don’t respond to their processing, just keep them talking. The more they talk, the more they’ll process.
Teens (especially girls) want someone to listen to them. If you ask them questions about what they’re thinking and feeling, you can just sit back and listen (but really do listen). When they finally stop to take a breath, reflect back what you’ve heard them say, but don’t be judgmental or correcting. Just listen. Conversations with teen boys go really well when you’re doing things together or when you are in the car.
4. Listen for a cry for help. If your teen is tense all the time, it could be due to deeper issues that need to be dealt with by a trained counselor. One of the young ladies we’ve been working with came to us because she was out of control and adding tension to the whole family. As we worked through her issues, she told me that she had come to recognize that her behavior had been a plea for help. She wasn’t able to process some of the things she had to deal with; especially because she was adopted and felt that her parents treated her somewhat differently than her siblings. The tension she was expressing came from her struggles with trying to fit in with her new family. We’ve been working with her to find better ways to ask for help.
I want to encourage you to look beneath the surface for the root cause of the tension. Your child may be letting you know they need a lifeline. Getting a counselor involved may help your teen find better ways to deal with those issues.
5. Keep your correcting to the important things. It’s important to learn when to correct and when to let go. I’m all for correcting the big stuff (character, values and honesty issues); but it only adds tension when parents nit-pick the little things. If there is a pattern of inappropriate behavior, then take steps to correct that. But if you’re always “on their case” about every little thing, they’ll learn to hide their thoughts and feelings to avoid the constant barrage of criticism, and that will build tension.
Remember that if your home is constantly tense, your child will find some outlet for releasing their tension, away from you. It’s far better for us as parents to provide them a place of rest than to push them away to find it somewhere or with someone else.
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UNDERSTAND THE PRESSURES ON YOUR TEEN
Peer pressure—the desire to fit in with others—is part of God’s design for us. At the very beginning He said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” We are meant to be in relationships and community with other people, and that’s made easier by everyone fitting in. There can even be a very positive side to peer pressure; it can motivate us to do better and be better people if we are with positive role models who are living right.
The problem is that much of the peer pressure our children face today can be negative. I hear from so many parents heartbroken because of the immoral or damaging things their teenagers’ friends have introduced them to. When the natural curiosity of a teen to experience new things combines with the desire to belong to a group that is doing negative things, it only gets more negative, like adding two negative numbers together.
At the very core and foundation of teen culture today is a lack of relationship. Kids are talking to each other (or at least texting) all the time, but they’re having an extremely difficult time engaging in a meaningful way. They simply don’t know how to develop deep, honest and meaningful relationships. That places a higher premium on shallow things, like their appearance and conformity to the norms of the crowd. What’s more, the “digital grapevine” leaves them in constant fear of being called out and picked on in the virtual realm for being “different.” I believe this makes peer pressure a much more powerful force in the lives of teenagers than it was when I was growing up.
Here’s another way things have changed. Back in the day, when our peers pressured us to do something wrong, they knew it was wrong and we knew it was wrong. That didn’t always keep us from doing it, but at least we had a sense of looking over our shoulders to keep from being found out while we did it. Today, peers are pressuring our teens to do things that are wrong, but they aren’t presented or thought of in that way. Instead they’re being asked to do things with the sense that those things are expected and accepted as “normal.” That’s a huge difference, and it makes peer pressure so much harder to resist.
Because we remember what it was like when we were young, we may tend to think that our children are choosing to do wrong for the sake of doing wrong, not understanding the impact of these new expectations on their lives. It’s probably a mistake to automatically assume they are rebelling against you or your family’s beliefs and values. Often they are not viewing things through a moral lens at all, but rather through the lens of wanting to fit in their world. Let me illustrate this principle with the example of music.
I remember the fights over what music was acceptable in our home when I was a teen. Those fights still go on in homes today, but it is different now. Rather than just a “generation gap” thing over what “good” music is, teenagers today can feel that it is a direct attack on their sense of belonging. Their shared musical experience allows them to fit in with their group, and if it is threatened or taken away, they will respond in defensiveness out of fear of losing their connectedness. They’ll actually feel as if it as an attack on them personally, not just their musical tastes.
It’s really helpful to understand the reason behind the response you may get from your teen when it comes to music, how they look, or some other issue. They are not thinking about the values and principles you hold dear; they are simply worried about not fitting in anymore with their friends. They’re protecting themselves from being on the receiving end of jokes and ridicule from their peers. So I encourage you to understand the nature of the battle that’s being fought.
It may well be a cut and dried case that what they are doing is morally wrong. And I’m not saying your effort to put a stop to it is wasted, or that you should accept whatever will help them fit in. I’m saying that to be truly effective in helping your teen walk the right path, you need to establish a relationship (because that’s what they are desperately looking for). Your relationship will fill the void that is driving them to seek acceptance elsewhere. Through that relationship you’ll be able to share in a more meaningful way why those things their peers are doing or promoting are wrong. After all, unlike younger kids, teenagers are beginning to reason, so they need to know the “why’s” not just the “thou shalt not’s.”
There are at least five things you can offer your child that no peer can match. Let me share these with you, and encourage you to begin making these vital connections using your unique resources as a parent.
Unconditional Acceptance – no friend can provide the depth of unconditional acceptance a parent can
Value – only you can affirm that they have innate value, no matter what they do or how they look
Wisdom – your teen will learn to value your wisdom if it is shared in discussions, not in lecturing
Experience – you’ve been through many of the same things they are facing and can help them get through it
Time – you have more time with them, and time is the crucial ingredient in building relationships that matter
Research shows the presence of a strong family relationship is one of the most important elements that builds resiliency—the ability to resist negative peer pressure—in teens. You can’t change a teenager by controlling them. You can only affect lasting change by touching their heart. So, spend time together. Talk to your children. Even more importantly, listen to them.
Peer pressure doesn’t justify bad behavior. But by understanding the enormous influence it has on our teens, we can try to understand and prepare them ahead of time to resist those bad influences. Whether your child is four or fourteen it is never too late to start building a strong relationship that will help them do right even if their friends don’t.
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ADJUST YOUR PARENTING STYLE FROM CONTROLLING TO COACHING
Most of us tend to parent the same way we were parented. Even those of us who vowed, “I’ll never do that to my kids,” often fall back to imitating what we saw from our parents. The problem is that the world has changed. Our parents would have been horrified by what our kids casually experience and discuss amongst themselves today. Things are different, and your kids are changing and maturing every day as well. Have you been keeping up? If not, it could be leading your teenager to rebellion.
To adjust from controlling to coaching them doesn’t mean you are surrendering your core values or throwing up your hands in futility and giving up; it means you are meeting your kids at their level and respecting their individuality. I’m not saying that your child should be allowed to walk all over you; rules and boundaries must be set and maintained. But adjusting can help your kids think you’re keeping up with their age and are in touch with their world—so they’ll be more likely to lean on you when they need help or to discuss the issues in their life.
It’s more vital than ever that we stay engaged with our kids. That means we need to know what’s going on in their lives and in their culture (which probably means we’re going to have to learn a new language or two) and to fit in with the way they relate to others in their world.
Unfortunately, another important authority in our kids’ life isn’t adjusting. Lifeway Resources recently did a study that showed 85% of kids never attend church again after they graduate from high school. It shows that there’s a huge disconnect between kids and the Church. After talking to and working with thousands of young people, I’ve discovered that many of them feel like what they’re being taught there simply doesn’t apply to the world in which they live. The Church isn’t answering the questions many of them are asking, and we can fail to so in our homes as well.
On the other end of the spectrum, many well-meaning parents think they can protect their kids by sheltering them. They spend very little time preparing them for the real world because they aren’t in danger at the moment. But they can only keep their kids isolated for so long. At some point they’re going out into that world—to a job, to college, to marriage—and it is vital that they be prepared for that day.
Most parents wait too long to give their teens privileges and responsibilities. Typically they drag their feet for about six months past the point where they should have. I tell parents, “If you’re thinking about letting your teen do something, you probably should already have done it.” If they have to fight for their independence, they are actually in self-preservation mode and defensive of their need for independence. They innately know they need to test out freedom to adjust to the world in which they will have to survive.
Having said that, I remain absolutely committed to protecting kids from danger. For instance, I strongly urge parents not to let their 10-13 year old kids attend sleepovers or to be in the homes of their friends unattended. That may sound old-fashioned, but it is at that early age that much harmful experimentation goes on. If you look at the statistics of the first use of drugs, alcohol and sexual experimentation, it falls into that age range and anecdotal evidence points to kids picking up these habits when alone with their friends. Give your kids freedoms, but as we say in the horse world “let out the reins” slowly. Don’t do it in areas that will threaten their safety and their future, especially at the very impressionable “tween” years. Maintain a policy of trust with verification.
Breaking the Mold
One way to adjust your style is that instead of just telling your teenagers what to do (the way most of us were raised), have discussions with them. Spend time working out the practical applications of the truths you have taught them. Rather than lecturing, ask questions. When you start asking questions, you convey a powerful positive message to them that they need to begin thinking on their own. Asking questions makes them feel valued—at the most devaluing stage of their lives. It empowers them to begin asking their own questions of you and about the negative things their peers may ask them to be involved in.
The answers you get to your questions will help you identify areas in which you may need to adjust or strengthen your teaching. Do not be judgmental or reactionary. You have already taught them all you’re going to teach them about your values; now affirm and guide them toward what is right. If I’m counseling with a young person and they give a negative answer, I say something like, “That’s interesting.” I don’t say “That’s wrong.” I then keep the conversation going (with more questions) and try to guide them rather than smother them. They’ll often come around to the right decision — based on the values they’ve been taught — if it is discussed openly and without condemnation.
My friend Walt Mueller, the founder and president of the Center for Parent/Youth Understanding, says that parents should look at themselves like cross-cultural missionaries when it comes to their teens. Many kids feel like their parents don’t understand their world and don’t speak their language—and they’re right. A missionary who goes to a foreign country takes time to learn the language and customs in order to be effective; they don’t just stand on a street corner and yell at people in English. Are you willing to put that kind of effort in to help your teen survive the trip to adulthood?
Adjusting to your teen’s age and maturity is like hitting a moving target. It’s not something you can do just once. As they grow and mature and face new challenges, you need to keep changing right along with them. The relationship is far more important than minor issues. Don’t violate your principles, but do focus on what matters most and set aside the rest.
They say “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” but don’t wait until your teen spins out of control to make the needed changes. Engage your child now, on their level, and make any changes or adjustments in order to improve your relationship with them and to prepare them for the all too soon day in which they will be out on their own.
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FIND RESTORATION THROUGH CONFLICT
Does anyone like conflict? No. It’s not a fun or enjoyable experience; however it is necessary, and if used properly, conflict can be a precursor to change. It’s very unlikely that a lasting change will come without at least some measure of conflict and struggle. As Ben Franklin put it, “The door to success swings on the hinges of opposition.”
Conflict can be a force for good in families, but only if it is dealt with properly. The way we react can either deepen the relationship, or it can tear it down. Most kids simply want to know that they are being heard! Refusing to understand that, and shutting off any form of conflict, can build a wall between you.
Another way walls can build up is to belittle your teen’s thoughts and feelings. The issue may seem like a small or “black and white” matter to you, but it could be confusing and all-encompassing to them. Often when I’m working with a young person I’ll say something like, “I think I understand what you are saying, but let me try to repeat it so I am sure.” Then, I calmly repeat back what their issue and position is.
You cannot expect your teen to respect you or your rules if you don’t show respect to them. It’s important to acknowledge your teen’s viewpoint even if you don’t agree with it. Their view may be short-sighted, self-focused and just plain wrong, but it is still one that they are going to want to defend to the hilt. Your response to their “side” needs to be respectful rather than reactionary, understanding versus judgmental. Even so, if their position conflicts with your rules, and it’s an important matter of character or morality, you might say, “I understand now, but I don’t agree with your conclusion, so we’re not going to follow that path. But let’s keep talking about it so I can better understand why you feel this way.”
Change comes out of relationship. Failing to listen during conflict makes it difficult, if not impossible, for positive change to occur because it short-circuits the relationship. More than almost anything else, I work constantly to keep the lines of communication open and to make sure relationships stay intact. If there is a smaller issue where I can give in without compromising something vital, I do, just so they know I am listening. I don’t want young people to feel that I’m constantly “shooting them down” or turning a deaf ear to their way of thinking. They need to know that their concerns are being heard, for if there is no hope of that, they will either become deceitful and just stop talking, or try other tactics like raging or acting out their anger through their behavior.
Benefits of allowing conflict:
1. Conflict presents a wonderful opportunity to reinforce your values and beliefs. All the things you have been teaching your child before are brought into focus through applying your values to real-life situations. They may not agree with it, but they can at least begin to connect the dots.
2. Conflict gives you a chance to get to know your child better. Sometimes during conflict, kids are more willing to open up and express themselves. Be sure you don’t close the door during conflict and allow them to say how they are feeling. They may blurt out things they don’t really mean, or that could shock you, so don’t take offense. We’ve all said things we wish we could take back. Teens do this more often because they haven’t learned how to control their emotions. So try to understand the meaning behind the words and give grace to the actual words that are being said.
3. Conflict may show you a place where you are wrong. It’s a huge relationship builder to admit a mistake and to tell you child that you are changing your position because of what they said. This will show them you value them as an independent individual. If you’re wrong, own up to it. If you’re right, don’t cave in just to keep the peace.
4. Conflict is a crucial preparation for your teen in dealing with future conflict. The skills for dealing with conflict that your teen learns from you will be needed throughout their lives. The adult world is going to require them to resolve issues and conflicts with others, so you need to be sure you are giving them the tools they will need. And one day they will have kids, too, so you can show them the way to positive conflict.
Keep in mind that all of the positives of conflict break down when disrespect creeps in from either party. Name calling, screaming or slamming doors are all acts that your child (and you) should have nothing to do with. When they happen, the discussion needs to be put on hold until cooler heads prevail. That way, the teen knows they won’t get their way just by being angry or disrespectful. In fact, they end up shooting themselves in the foot because they lose the chance to make their case–at least until they can calm down. But be SURE to come back to it and discuss it later that day. Don’t let conflicts fester too long, or they will eventually explode.
The Don’ts of Conflict
1) Don’t allow the crisis at hand to spill over and contaminate the rest of the relationship. It’s easy for the conflict to take over every conversation. Be willing to press the pause button—not to overlook or ignore the problem, but to have time to take a break and re-establish connections over a meal or shared moments that have nothing to do with the conflict at hand.
2) Don’t lose the “concept of we” in middle of the conflict. The relationship that you have been building with your child will bear fruit over time as long as you protect it. The conflict can challenge us as parents, but we need to approach it as an opportunity rather than as a sign of failure on our part. Don’t allow it to create a permanent breach in your relationship.
3) Don’t let conflicts build up—deal with them when they happen. A problem that you overlook doesn’t just go away; it becomes a building block in a wall that can grow and prevent both you and your child from properly responding to future conflicts. Each one that you address and resolve provides training for future conflicts.
The bottom line is that there are root causes for every behavior. Don’t lose that perspective in the heat of the battle. Keep the lines of communication open and the relationship strong, and you’ll successfully resolve any conflict that arises in your family.
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HELP YOUR TEEN KNOW AND UNDERSTAND THEIR BOUNDARIES AND YOUR BOUNDARIES
I hear this all the time from young people…“I want to make decisions for myself. I want to be in control of my own life.” My first thought is, “Hallelujah! Your parents want the same thing – but like everything else in life, it must be within certain boundaries.”
Boundaries aren’t handcuffs; they free teenagers to make decisions since they know how far they can go. For instance, I’ve always thought that a teen wearing one fashion or another should be their own choice. They can dress how they want, but as soon as that clothing becomes immodest, they are stepping over a boundary, the modesty boundary. Or, if what they wear breaks the school’s dress code, they are stepping over the school’s boundaries. Likewise, when a teen is allowed to drive the car, perhaps they are told they must be home by dark, not have any other teens in the car, and they mustn’t drive any further than a certain distance away from home. Those qualifications for the use of the car are boundaries. How and where the teen drives within those boundaries is up to them, as long as they follow other imposed boundaries, like traffic laws.
Fact is, we all have boundaries in our lives, so teens need to get accustomed to them. As adults, we can’t just haul off and whack someone over the head if we don’t like them. We can’t take a week off from work without asking our boss. And we can’t spend our mortgage payment money on new sporting gear instead. Well, we can, but should we do so, we too will face consequences.
Boundaries are only effective if they are known in advance. Responsibility and a feeling of self-control begin with a child knowing and understanding the breadth of their choices within those boundaries. The kids I’ve met with the lowest self-esteem and the least self-control are those who either have never experienced boundaries, or whose parents use punishment as the only means of communicating boundaries. Such parents tend to shift their punishment (and the boundaries) based on how their own day is going, or how frustrated they are with life, their spouse, or their children. So, the kids in those families don’t really know where the boundaries are any given day. Like landing in a mine field, they don’t know what step to take for fear it will set off their parents. So here’s what happens: they either get totally frustrated and decide to go ahead and set off as many “mines” as they can, or they hide, keep their distance and try not to upset the apple cart. They stay away from home as much as possible, become strangers, and turn into prolific liars.
Fact is, boundaries don’t encumber your child; they free them and they boost confidence and self-control. It’s like the difference between keeping a horse on a lead rope or letting him run freely in a fenced pasture. Within the safety of the fences, the horse has the freedom to roam and even push up against the fences. What they choose to do is in their control. Thank goodness teens are learning how to reason, so establishing boundaries and consequences will help them make better choices, versus the need for parental hovering, hand-holding, or physical barriers.
Setting Up a System for Behaviors in Your Family
As you develop boundaries, I encourage you to make it a family project. First, outline what you believe the behavior in your home should be like — your “beliefs.” Then, determine what rules are needed to support those beliefs. You can develop behavioral beliefs and rules for any number of things, but I prefer to major on the majors, not the minors, so select categories like: modesty, honesty, respect, family contribution, curfew, use of the car, dating, substance abuse, church activities, abiding by the law, and education. Within each category you may have several related rules, but keeping it simple will help your children remember them better.
If you establish the rules unilaterally, especially if your home has been relationally focused, you’ll probably face significant push back from your teen. They aren’t going to understand why they have no say in the process and they’ll be less likely to follow the rules as a result.
Sit down together and discuss what you think behavior in your home should look like. This is a time to turn off the cell phones, the television and the laptop and focus on what you’re doing. Talk about how your family expects to deal with issues like dating, driving, cell phones, church, school work, friends, media . . . the list can go on and on, but be sure to major on the majors. Discuss (don’t dictate) what kinds of behavior fits with your family’s values and which don’t, and include some rules for the adults in the family as well, so the kids don’t think this process is just targeting them. Talk through the reasons behind the rules that you are establishing and get everyone’s opinion about what consequences should be applied for breaking the rules. You’ll be surprised how tough your kids will be on themselves when consequences are being discussed, so you might have to lessen them to be realistic.
In working with thousands of teens over the years, there are some warning signs that point to potential trouble ahead. Disrespect and dishonesty are two of those for which violations should have clear and steep consequences, so that your teens know what to expect if they cross one of those lines. So, tackle those first. Never bend on character or moral issues, but allow some slack in other areas so your teen feels there is some give and take.
The point is this, by getting their input in drawing up this document, you are giving them a sense of ownership of the rules and foreknowledge of what consequences to expect. It allows them to weigh the consequences against breaking the rules. So, as you work through this process over several weeks, have the final document typed and printed out so that it is clear for everyone to see.
Make It Age-Appropriate
When you develop this “Belief System” for your home, I encourage you to insure that everything is age-appropriate (boundaries for younger kids are usually not the same for older kids), clearly understood, and mutually supported by the parents and everyone else involved, including your teenager. Let your children help you make up the Belief System and even the consequences. This will give them “ownership” for it. You’ll find them to be harder on themselves and suggest harsher consequences than you might have, so you’ll have to moderate those. Then, when they break the rules, you as a parent aren’t the heavy. They chose in advance to accept the consequences since they also knew in advance what consequences they would have to face.
I’ve found that it works well to graph out what you want in spreadsheet form, so that each belief has a rule and each rule has consequences that can be clearly seen. Here’s how one of your beliefs in the Belief System spreadsheet could look for a 13-year-old.
BELIEF – At age thirteen, we believe nothing good can happen after 11:00 pm, and that on weekdays kids should be home earlier to encourage a good night’s rest for school.
RULE – Curfew is 9:00 pm weekdays and 11:00 pm weekends.
CONSEQUENCE –
1st Time: Curfew will be turned back an hour for a week
2nd Time: You’re grounded weekend nights for two weeks
3rd Time: Curfew will be 8:00 pm every night for a month.
Do you think that knowing (and perhaps experiencing) the consequences will “push” your child to either accept responsibility or develop some new habits? When they learn that you are serious about enforcing the consequences, they’ll become serious about maturing. After all, what is maturity? It is simply knowing how to live successfully within the boundaries we all have in life.
Once your Belief System is set, don’t undermine it by making exceptions. Nothing can be more damaging to your ability to enforce rules than to cave in and arbitrarily reduce or waive the consequences. In fact, tell your kids in advance that there will be no leniency, since they now know exactly what consequences are in store. It is your duty to enforce consequences without wavering, but it is also important to express your sadness when your teen experiences consequences. Help them know you are on their side and rooting for them. In other words, don’t rub their noses in it.
Will teenagers like consequences? No. Who does? Remember, you’ve got to let them experience the pain of their choices so that they learn “to not go there again.” It’s okay to let them “sit in it.” But don’t pull back your relationship when they suffer consequences. In fact, move toward them.
When a teen breaks the rules, they need a responsible adult to respond, not react. To respond is to offer calmness, honesty, love, grace and support while seeking to correct the misbehavior. However, to react is to become emotional, angry, hurt, quick to judge, and often harsh.
Knee-jerk reactions are almost always counterproductive. We have all done it. Our teen comes home two hours past curfew. We have been waiting up, worrying about all the possible horrible reasons for him being late; we’re an emotional wreck at this point. Then he calmly waltzes in, and ignores us sitting in the chair. That does it! Our brain seems to turn off. We feel disrespected and start yelling. “Where have you been?” “I’ve been waiting up for hours.” “How dare you!”
An “ounce of prevention” is spending time with your teen on a regular basis rather than force-feeding a “pound of cure” when issues arise.
Reacting to your teen will probably never give you the change you intended or wanted. Responding properly can be difficult and takes lots of practice. Counting to ten is good, but then what? Parents of teens must learn to stop their mouths, think about needs to be done, and only then should they speak or act. So, “Stop, Think, Act” is the plan.
You cannot ignore or overlook inappropriate behavior. You must respond based on what you know is true – your faith, your own beliefs, and what you know is best for your child.
Allow the consequences to play out.
Once you have laid down the rules and the consequences with your children, don’t back down when it comes to enforcing them. Teens are masterful at trying to get exceptions made “just this once.” Parents are often afraid that if they enforce the consequences that have been set they will damage their relationship with their child. The truth is just the opposite. Kids actually want their parents to be consistent, and they can live with the consequences, so let them be involved in setting those consequences. I’m not a big fan of, “I told you so,” but it’s appropriate to remind them when they step over the line that they chose the consequences and will now have to live with them.
Proverbs 19:19 says, “If you rescue [an angry child] once, you will have to do it again.” It’s far better for the consequences to teach them; you don’t want all the teaching of teenagers to come from you. Don’t give in, but don’t give up either. Your child will push against every rule you have and even violate each one at one point or another. So keep at it. Keep letting the consequences work in your favor. And keep giving them unrelenting love as you go through that process with them.
Beliefs and values never change; rules do.
Don’t think of your rules as written in stone. That’s one of the nice things about having them on your computer; they can be easily adjusted over time. So check your rules every six months to make sure they still apply to the maturity of your child.
Sometimes parents don’t adjust the rules and they make the mistake of holding a sixteen-year-old to the same exact rules they had for him as a twelve year old. This can be exasperating for an older teen. I’m not suggesting you let him do things that are wrong. But some things that are procedural can be relaxed as they mature. For instance, bedtime and curfew can be moved to a later hour, more independence and decision making can be transferred, and more responsibility can be added.
There are obviously limits, however. One of the things that I believe pretty strongly is the old saying that nothing good ever happens after midnight. So when our kids got older, we moved their curfew, but we never moved it past midnight. It’s a very positive thing when you show some flexibility. The problem some parents have is that they aren’t willing to change on anything. The world has changed, and we want to be sure we’re only holding on to the things that are worth holding—and not holding on to things just because “that’s the way it was when I was growing up.”
Above all else, I encourage you to work diligently to keep your relationship strong. As you can probably tell, I think rules are really important, but the relationship you have with your child is even more important. Take the time to involve them and help them take ownership of the rules. I think you’ll find the fights decreasing and the relationships and harmony in your home increasing. It’s worth the effort!
Discipline is hard work. It is strategic work. It takes a lot of work to formulate, communicate, and implement a plan to help a child get to where he wants to be and to keep him from going to a place where he doesn’t want to be. But that work is worth it! Teens have a hard time seeing the “big picture” and thinking about long-term implications. Putting boundaries and rules in place with consequences that they have agreed to will help keep them on track. And they’ll help you maintain discipline without destroying your relationship.
Set Up Personal Boundaries
Teenagers live in a culture where personal boundaries seem to be non-existent. So, teaching them about your own personal boundaries will help them think about developing their own boundaries and how to identify and defend their own personal space.
When I mention personal boundaries, don’t confuse it with the rules we’ve already discussed. Personal boundaries have more to do with what we all need to build around ourselves to guard from being walked all over by others who are less considerate. Personal boundaries are enforced by rules, but they are different from your household rules because they have to do with protecting who we are as individuals and what we choose to put up with as we interact with others.
Boundaries protect us; they define who we are, and who we are not.
Think of personal boundaries as you would your “personal space.” When someone steps up and talks to you with their nose two inches away from your nose, you may feel that your personal space is being violated. It can feel uncomfortable when that invisible 3-4 foot distance barrier is crossed.
Likewise, teens who haven’t learned to respect personal boundaries can fail to realize that their parents are human beings who need their own space. Naturally selfish teens can step over the line by putting more and more demands on a parent’s time, money and patience. If allowed to go on, the parents will eventually get walked on, dumped on, yelled at, and feel demeaned or disrespected. They can begin feeling like their life is no longer their own; rather, it belongs to the care and feeding of their teenager’s selfishness.
Reestablishing and communicating your need for personal space once your child reaches the teen years is important. It will help them know that you are still a person, not just a parent, and you have needs, too. For instance:
• Privacy (I will decide who to allow in my personal space)
• Time (I will decide what will occupy my time….not my teen)
• Money (I can give to my teen out of love, but I owe him nothing)
• Action (I can say “no” to my teen’s demands, if I want to)
• Emotions (I won’t be “dumped” on or disrespected)
Boundaries…Even if You Love Serving Your Teenager
Some parents relish being needed by their teenager. They dote on them and take care of their every need. They ask “How high?” when their teens says, “Jump!” They may even take abuse and disrespect from their teen when it is directed their way, thinking, “Oh, they’re just having a bad day.” These parents need to step back and understand that boundaries must still be established, for the teenager’s sake, and consequences need to be applied for stepping over those boundaries. If not, it will lead to a selfish, bossy and entitled adolescent who doesn’t understand personal boundaries.
My Teen is Going Too Far
It’s easy to tell when your teenager has stepped over your personal boundaries. You feel frustrated, violated or a little “put out.” But the question is, do they know they’ve crossed the line, or do they just think you’re the one being unreasonable in your reaction? They won’t know they’ve violated your boundaries until you clarify what those boundaries are.
When teens can get the feeling that we owe them everything,
tell them “I don’t owe a thing, but I want to give you everything.”
So, when you feel violated by your teenager’s inconsiderate nature, write down the personal boundary that needs to be established. For example, “I need to be spoken to with reasonable respect,” or,” I need to have a clean car with a few drops of gas in the tank after it is borrowed,” or, “I need to be asked several hours in advance if a ride is needed,” or, “I need to be asked before you enter my room, dig in my purse, or borrow things from my closet.” When you get these things under control, you’ll be protecting your privacy, your day, and a little bit of your sanity from your teenager’s selfishness and lack of consideration.
Communicating Personal Boundaries
Once you’ve had some time to get your list together, cut it down to just ten items as a first step; which may be difficult, but teenagers have difficulty learning more than ten new concepts at a time. Then sit down with your teenager after dinner to tell him something like, “There are a few things I am going to change having to do with how we interact with each other. It’s time that we begin to interact in a more adult way. Therefore, here are ten things that will change, effective immediately.” Then, list the items, like: “I will no longer do your laundry…I will no longer drive you to school…I will no longer wake you up in the morning,” etc.
While normal discipline should be consistent across the family, personal boundaries can be different; they can be unique for each individual. Mom’s may be different from Dad’s, and they may be different for a teenage girl versus a boy. As you communicate your own boundaries, don’t make it one-sided. Ask your teenager to develop their own personal boundaries as well. Have them think about and list their own personal boundaries for the people they interact with, including you. It’s a powerful way for them to think through their own individuality and how they’ll react to the influences in their life, including their peers.
Whenever you require your teenager to step up to the plate to take on adult responsibility or behavior, also communicate ways that you’ll be treating them more like adults in return. For instance, giving them more freedoms or the ability to make their own choices. And let them know that you’ll respect their personal boundaries as well (as long as they are respectful and not counter to your household rules or your job as a parent).
What If My Teen Still Won’t Respect My Personal Boundaries?
Your child may never fully agree with all of your personal boundaries, but he or she can be required to respect them, even if they don’t agree. Breaking personal boundaries is a pretty big offense in my book, so be sure to set your consequences appropriately.
Your job, for as long as your children live with you, is to faithfully provide an arena for your children to learn respect, relationship, and boundaries. If not, they’ll stumble off to college, to work, or to become parents themselves leaving in their wake a path of destructive behavior and relational missteps.
As you begin to think about setting your personal boundaries, ask yourself, “What do I want the relationships and behavior toward me to look and feel like?” Think about and communicate what you want changed in how your teenager relates to you. It will bring sanity to your home and help teach your children how to respect another person’s time, privacy, energy, space, and authority. More importantly, it will ultimately teach your children self-control and to be good parents who teach boundaries when they have kids of their own. So the cycle of life continues.
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GIVE YOUR TEEN MORE RESPONSIBILITY FOR EVERYTHING IN THEIR LIFE.
Most parents do not require enough from their kids today; nor do they train them to handle responsibility. There was a time in our society when young people were expected to do many things for themselves. On the farm or in larger families they were expected to help out around the house, take care of their siblings, and even help support the family in some instances. Along with the conveniences of modern day living has come the prolonging of immaturity well into the mid-twenties.
Fact is, teens are capable of handling plenty of responsibility, but too often parents get in the way. We can underestimate their abilities and stifle new challenges, so they don’t mature. I often hear parents say things like, “They’re too young for that,” or, “I’ll just have to redo it anyway.” Regardless, they need to learn and they’ll only do so when we stop doing everything for them. I don’t think kids should drive a car at age 16, or vote or go to war at age 18, but that’s the real world. Is there risk involved in the process? Of course. But there’s no way to avoid it. Exposure to some difficulty and risk is a necessary part of the growing process.
You may remember the large-scale science experiment known as the Biosphere 2 from about twenty years ago. In the Arizona desert, a group of scientists tried to recreate in a sealed environment the different ecosystems found on Earth. The plan was to create a self-sustaining cycle (a biosphere) that would continually support life on another planet. Vegetation grew, but they found that the trees eventually drooped over and broke in half. It was because there was no wind. You see, as trees grow outdoors, bending back and forth in the wind creates small cracks in the bark and then sap fills the cracks, making the whole tree stronger and the bark thicker. Without it, the tree has no strength and support.
Likewise, not allowing our teens to learn responsibility — to bend in the wind — we are not allowing them to learn the skills they are going to need to survive and stand upright in the world. So, take a minute to think about the skills your teen is going to need, and then plan how you will train them to deal with those issues through real-life responsibility. Here are just a few of things you can focus on:
Cooking healthy meals, doing their own laundry, buying groceries, changing a tire, how to spend money, how to save money, how to study, how to act in a job interview, how to plan, how to deal with stress, handling conflict…the list could go on forever.
Start talking about and training them for the things that will be required of them as adults, before they have to actually face them.
No Substitute for Experience
Kids need to experience for themselves the link between their choices and the resulting consequences—good or bad. Learning to make good choices requires practice — it’s not an inborn ability and they won’t magically develop that skill when they turn 18 or 21.
They also learn from the experience of observation. For instance, I believe that a man’s word is his bond. If I say I’ll do something, I do it. And I believe that order and cleanliness is important. So, I try to model those and other important character traits to my staff and the kids I work with. The point is, you can’t expect more from your child than you demonstrate in your own life.
When you’ve been doing everything for them all along, they’ve come to depend on you. But you need to make the transition in the early teen years. So sit down with them and discuss your new expectations with words like “I/we will no longer do…” Then stick to it and don’t pick up the slack.
More than anything, a teen needs to learn that their choices in life will always have consequences, either good or bad. So the next time your teen blows it, or seems headed in the wrong direction, whether it is with school or friends, or his choices in other areas, don’t look for a punishment. Instead, first try to think of a natural or logical consequence that can be applied. Then, simply lay the problem at your teen’s feet and allow the consequence to teach him what he needs to know, even if it is the hard way.
Allowing teens to face the natural consequences of their own decisions means:
• If they don’t participate in their classes by turning in their homework, they also don’t get to participate in other school activities, like the ball game Friday night.
• If they come home late, curfew gets turned back by the same number of minutes they were late, for the next month.
• If they don’t get up in time to make it to the bus, they can walk to school (if it’s safe to do so) or pay for a cab.
• If they use the computer or a cell phone to promote an inappropriate image or lifestyle, or to bully a peer, they lose it.
• If they are ticketed for breaking traffic laws, they pay the fine and lose the car keys for a week.
• If you are paying for college and their grades become unsatisfactory, let them pay for the next semester.
• If they spend their gas, clothing or food allowance foolishly on other things, don’t give them a loan or replenish it. Instead, let them figure out how to pay for their needs another way.
Allowing natural or logical consequences to happen in your child’s life doesn’t make you a bad or uncaring parent. In fact, it is the most caring thing you can do for your teenager. No one is going to rescue them from the natural consequences when they are older, so help them learn the lesson now. They may have to relearn the lesson several times before it sticks, but just hang in there and observe, never stepping in to lessen the consequences. Eventually your teen will tire of the consequences and avoid making the same mistake again and again.
Confronting Bad Choices
The difference between the exact right words and the almost right words is like the difference between lightning bugs and lightning bolts. – Mark Twain
Avoiding toxic words and wrong motivations helps maintain a solid relationship while effectively confronting your teen’s mistakes. I haven’t met a teen yet who doesn’t want to know they will continue to be loved when they’ve made mistakes. Loving someone seems easy when everything is going well. It’s a quite different matter when your teen breaks your rules, and their life spins out of control. In those times, the best way to demonstrate your continual love for them is to take care in the way you confront their misbehavior, avoiding toxic words and wrong motivations.
The first step is to let your teen know why you are confronting their misbehavior. It is that you love them and want to help them avoid bigger problems later in life. Demonstrate your respect for them by your demeanor, assuring them that you will move toward them in times of difficulty and struggle, not away from them. Tell them that you can’t possibly love them any more than you do, and you’ll never love them any less, not even when they are at their worst.
Be mindful that your teen knows what they have done, and it’s already uncomfortable for them without adding verbal or emotional fireworks. Focus on fixing the behavior, not the person. Remember, behaviors can be changed, but people rarely do.
Keep the word “you” to a minimum when talking to your teen, other than when praising them or saying positive things about their character. For instance, instead of “You broke curfew,” say, “Curfew was broken.” It seems like a little thing, but as soon as you use the word “you,” the teen feels as though they are being attacked personally.
Also avoid using definitive words like “never,” and “always,” in such discussions. Statements like “You never listen to me,” or, “You always come home late,” attack their character, not the behavior. The more you attack their character, the more likely they’ll feel the need to defend themselves and their actions in return. They may even begin identifying with the behavior and work hard to live up to it, thinking “I’m just the black sheep of the family.” So make it clear that they have it within them to do better; that they are a better person than their behavior is demonstrating.
Getting what you want from a discussion with your teen has nothing to do with how right you are and how wrong they are. It has everything to do with your motivation and approach. Ask yourself, “Will my approach move this discussion to a positive resolution, or away from it?” “Could my words increase our mutual respect for one another, or decrease it?” And finally, “Will my words encourage my teen to improve, or encourage them to just hide their behavior from me in the future?”
So, be sure to also check your attitude and hurt feelings at the door before approaching your teen about an issue that needs to be addressed. Focus on what you are trying to accomplish, not on how you feel about the situation. Inappropriate motivations can all too easily sneak into your conversation, which will interfere with bringing about positive results.
Here are inappropriate motivations to be avoided:
It is inappropriate to unload your frustration . Don’t dump on your teen – they’ll resent it. They probably already have enough frustrations of their own.
It is inappropriate to prove yourself right and your teen wrong. It is not a matter of who is right and who is wrong, it is a matter of dealing with the matter at hand, and solving the problem.
It is inappropriate to crush them into submission. This is an ungodly response to a poor choice, and sets a terrible example. It usually doesn’t work for the long-term, and will give your teen the desire to take revenge; another inappropriate response. Never threaten or demean a teenager into changing their behavior. They might appear to make the change when they are around you, but behind your back they’ll do the opposite.
It is inappropriate to try to change them into something or someone else. Teens don’t change based on what their parents tell them. They change when they want to and in response to the consequences or pain they experience from making a bad decision. And most kids are already uncomfortable in their own skin, so telling them that they need to change to be accepted by you only makes them more confused and uncomfortable.
It is inappropriate to threaten them. Anything more than stating that a consequence will be applied should they step over the line is just bullying them. Empty threats are even worse. Your teen will come to know you don’t really mean what you say when you don’t enforce threatened consequences.
Now, here are appropriate motivations and goals to focus on as you have that talk:
• Be clear and concise, and make sure your teen understands your concern for them.
• Seek to better understand your teen, or communicate you’d like to better understand them.
• Give them rest from a wearying situation — yes, their transgressions can be emotionally burdensome.
• More clearly communicate your household beliefs, rules, and consequences.
• Solve the problem at hand and prevent it from happening again.
You’ll notice that I positioned “To solve the problem” last on that list, not first. That’s because you’ll never get to really solving the problem unless you first work on the relationship. Problem-solving demands a good relationship and trust by your teen that you have their best interests at heart.
Please don’t hear me say that a parent should act subservient or apologetic to a teen when they are confronting inappropriate behavior. Say what you mean when you speak, and mean what you say, but choose words that won’t cause your teen to have to defend who they are as a person, and make sure your motivations are right.
I also recommend adding some levity to the discussion. It reduces the tension and allows you to focus on the issue without sounding angry or upset. And sometimes it doesn’t need to be a long drawn-out discussion. For instance, when I confront kids I usually do so with a big smile, saying something like, “Wow! You really blew it! What happened? ” Approaching it this way tends to make the teen respond, “Yeah, I guess I did.” Getting them to agree and take ownership for their mistake is a healthy first step. And asking them “what happened?” gives them an opportunity to respond and explain themselves without inferring that it was all their fault.
Did you see from this example that I didn’t attack their character nor them personally for making a mistake? In fact, if anything, I told them that they did a really good job of messing up! Moreover, I set them on a path to do a really good job of not messing up again in the future, because I then applied consequences, saying, “Well, I guess you already know that means you’ll be raking a lot of pine needles this week?” (one of the traditional consequence for kids in our residential program who step over the line). “Yeah, I guess so,” they’ll respond. Then, I let the consequences do the teaching. As they rake pine needles (without being entertained by their iPod, by the way) it gives them ample time to think about their behavior and ample reason not to repeat it.
After they complete the assigned consequence, we again have a chat. That’s when I reassure them that the error is now forgotten and that it is water under the bridge; thereby restoring open communications. And I again express confidence in them that they have it within them to avoid making that mistake again. I might even offer some advice from my own mistakes in life to help them from making the same mistake again.
What About Corporal Punishment?
When I was a teen, consequences for my “rebellion” usually took the form of my dad taking off his belt and whacking me. I’m not suggesting that for your teen (or for any teenager). In fact, there is no need to use corporal punishment on a child who now has the ability to reason and control their own behavior without the sting of physical pain. However there needs to be some “hurt” when they cross the important lines. For instance, turn off their computer, unplug the TV, take away their car keys, ground them for a week. If you have a good relationship and you’ve clearly identified the boundaries, they’ll be expecting some form of punishment. After all, they made the conscious decision to step over the line. Grounding them for a week can actually be a time where you can build your relationship—you can use the time to do things together. Express value to them and sorrow that they have to suffer the consequences, even as they are in the midst of experiencing it.
I sometimes say it this way, “You’re sixteen. I’d like to treat you that way, but if you insist on being treated like you’re twelve, I will! But you won’t like it because you’ll only have the privileges of a twelve year old.” To that end, perhaps the biggest tool in a parent’s arsenal of consequences today is taking away a cell phone. (I had a parent say, “My child doesn’t have a cell phone,” to which I replied, “Give them one so you can take it away.”) That’s an amazing way to change their behavior!
Don’t over-react or get upset. Kids change because of relationship, not due to your shaming them, or your anger. Anger just shifts the attention away from their behavior, causing them to reflect anger right back at you. Shaming them just makes them feel like there is no hope of ever pleasing you. Instead, demonstrate your love by keeping your cool and keeping to the plan for applying appropriate consequences. And never cave in or lessen the consequences. That just backfires in the end, causing you to have to apply even more severe consequences later.
The way that you manage confrontation is more important than you may think. How you relate to and interact with your children at such pivotal times will determine the quality of your relationship with them in the future. How you stand with them even in their times of misbehavior will determine if your children will mature into caring, loving and responsible adults.
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LOOK FOR EXTERNAL SOURCES FOR
THE PROBLEMS YOUR TEEN IS HAVING
If you’ve seen an unexplainable or drastic change in your teenager’s honesty, grades, behavior, attentiveness, or friends, it may not be hormones. It could be that they are experimenting with intoxicating substances that are as close as your kitchen drawer, medicine cabinet or garage.
It used to be that older teens were most susceptible to drug experimentation, but kids today are experimenting earlier and earlier. In fact, 10- to 14- year-olds are now the most likely to begin experimenting with one intoxicating substance or another.
One fad is a throwback to the 60’s “hippie” culture. It is marked by an increased popularity of marijuana (“pot”), as well as the more seriously addicting 60′s drugs like heroin and LSD (“acid”). Today’s pot is several times more potent than it was just a few years ago and both are readily available in schools today, including Christian schools.
Illegal drugs get a lot of news coverage, but there are literally thousands of less sinister, but potentially more dangerous, ways for kids to get high, including: potent concoctions of common household glues, solvents and aerosols, prescription pain medications like Oxycontin and Vicodin, or even some of the plants found in your yard. Some kids even get a buzz off of massive doses of certain vitamins, herbs or even so-called “energy drinks.”
Most teens think they’re invincible, so their drug history is their badge of courage. They learn about every source of intoxication from the Internet and then try them one after another. So, they could be experimenting with huffing aerosol propellants, glues, gasoline, or paint. Or, they could be crushing cold medications and sniffing them like cocaine, or guzzling liquid cold medicines. They could be taking your prescription drugs or taking nothing at all and just playing the “choking game” to get a temporary high from near asphyxiation. Still others show their courage by experimenting with the harder drugs like ecstasy, crystal meth, crack, cocaine, LSD, or heroin, which are all highly addictive.
When Does It Start?
When I ask kids in our counseling program the age they started experimenting with drugs or alcohol, they usually report it was in the 7th or 8th grade; and some as early as the 5th grade. Most say they were introduced to drugs or alcohol when staying overnight at a friend’s home, camping or some other overnight youth event; or, at a friend’s house after school when their parents weren’t home. Others were introduced to drugs or alcohol when attending parties – usually parties where older teens are present and parents are absent, distracted, or don’t care.
Fact is, parents today who allow their teenagers to stay overnight with friends may be putting their teen in peril. After the parents are asleep, the kids try to outdo each other in regard to how far they will go, armed with the latest vices from the Internet. That’s why I recommend putting a stop to slumber parties at age ten. From then on, the normally innocent agenda of pizza and pillow fights tends to shift to more sinister things these days.
By the time most parents first discover their child is using drugs, the child has usually been involved for several years. But if parents can be diligent in keeping their kids from experimenting with intoxicating substances before age 14, they’ll be less likely to get started at all, so it’s important to be the most vigilant in the critical tween and early teen years.
The Addicted Teen
There’s obviously a difference between experimenting with drugs and being addicted. However, experimenting is no less dangerous, since we hear stories every day of deaths of first-time users. And some drugs are so addictive, that they can lead to a lifetime addiction with their very first use.
There’s nothing more gut-wrenching for a parent than to deal with their teenager’s drug addiction. Just watch a few episodes of the show “Intervention” on television and you’ll see what dealing with an addict is like. It’s a constant nightmare, not just for an addict, but for the entire family. The lying, stealing, fits of anger, run-ins with the law and constant fear that the child will overdose can destroy and bankrupt a family. And it won’t get better without treatment and ongoing support, sometimes spanning the addict’s entire life.
Sadly, each year more than a million teenagers need to go into substance abuse treatment programs. And just like alcoholism, many of them will struggle with that addiction throughout their entire life. That’s why it’s far better for parents to prevent kids from experimenting with drugs early on, before they get a foothold.
Why Do They Experiment?
Kids are usually motivated to experiment with drugs by curiosity and the need to fit in. They want to try what their friends are trying, and they have a great need to belong.
Some kids experiment because they are seeking relief from anxiety or emotional pain. In essence they are self-medicating or using drugs or alcohol to cope with the stresses they are feeling. For instance, many kids use marijuana to reduce their anxiety, but medical studies show that the prolonged use of the drug has the opposite effect, leading to heightened anxiety, depression, nervousness, mental disorders, paranoia and panic attacks. While some parents diminish the seriousness of use of marijuana, they should pay attention to what the National Institute on Drug Abuse says are the effects of its prolonged use. They report it can cause, “…impaired attention, memory problems, diminished learning capacity, interference with the formation of memories and the ability to retain knowledge, a general apathy toward life events, poor coordination, diminished interpersonal skills, and poor judgment.”
Sadly, other kids experiment with drugs to tempt their fate. Teens with more serious emotional and psychological problems turn to dangerous concoctions or massive doses of drugs as a form of “Russian Roulette.” They reason, “If I die, then so be it.” Not a week goes by that I don’t receive a message from a parent or grandparent, heartbroken that their teen overdosed and died.
Signs of Drug Use
There are many signs of substance abuse that a parent should watch for, but the only way to know for sure is to take your teenager to get a full-spectrum drug and alcohol test (a test for many types of drugs). To be sure, have it done professionally by a local lab that processes tests for businesses. Give your teen little forewarning to prepare for the test, since they can usually find ways on the Internet to falsify the results.
A substance abuse test is warranted if you see any of these signs:
• Masking – you notice that they are consuming mega doses of vitamins, teas and herbs in attempt to mask drug use.
• Increased lying – not just once or twice, but chronic dishonesty, especially if lying is new for your teen.
• Breakdown in normal habits – drastic changes in sleep, appetite, the ability to complete schoolwork, loss of interest in things they once loved, extreme forgetfulness, and marked decrease in hygiene.
• An unusual odor on clothes or in the room — frequent use of incense or deodorizers to mask the smell, frequent use of eye drops (to alleviate bloodshot eyes), extended periods locked alone in their room or the bathroom, frequent use of the garage or shed or other vacant buildings.
• Change in friends – your teen exchanges healthy friendships for fierce loyalty to questionable people you don’t even know. They may even run away, or disappear with their new friends for long stretches of time.
• Stealing or sudden wealth — shoplifting, credit card abuse, valuables disappearing from the home without explanation. Or, you may see unexplained money, jewelry, new clothes, or new gadgets from the selling of drugs (even from selling your prescriptions).
• Change in schedule – up all night, or up very late at night, sleeps for days, misses work, misses appointments, wants to be on the phone late at night or regularly wants to stay overnight at a friend’s house or out camping.
• Aggression, anger, mood swings, disrespect, and blaming – to an unreasonable degree, and directed against you and your family or other authorities.
• Drug paraphernalia — pincers or paper clips for smoking, empty or disassembled pen cases for snorting, empty aerosol cans, burnt spoons, homemade pot pipes, steel wool, hypodermic needle parts, unknown prescription bottles, empty liquid cold remedy bottles, cold remedy blister packs, missing glues or solvents, or knives and spoons used for crushing and sniffing pills repeatedly show up in their room.
• Dropping grades– lack of care for school, sports or other healthy pursuits.
Drugs May Be the Behavior Issue
It’s easy to identify bad behavior and blame drug use on teenage rebellion, but it could be that drugs are what’s affecting your child’s behavior. The real dilemma comes from the parent not believing their child might be experimenting with or using drugs in the first place. This is simply denial. Until a parent understands the real possibility of drugs use — even if their teen has good Christian friends and is active in church — they won’t be able to get to the root of the problem.
You may not understand the reason your child has chosen drug use as their way to “cope” with some giant in their life, but that’s another matter altogether. And because it is inconceivable that your child would ever do such a thing, you may fail to consider it, discuss it with him or drug test him to find out. I’ve found that parents with kids in Christian schools are the least likely to admit their teen has a problem. After all, they are in a “safe” environment, right? Wrong! Kids that have come to our program with drug issues tell me that the drug problem is more prevalent, not less, in the Christian schools they’ve attended than in public schools.
Before Counseling, Get the Drug Use Under Control
Since drug use may be the cause of behavioral issues, all the behavioral counseling in the world will have little positive effect until the drug use is stopped and the lingering effects of the drug are out of the teenager’s system. Depending on the drug that was used, the after-effects can last several months. That’s why at Heartlight, we require that kids with known drug dependencies first go through a separate addiction treatment program. We cannot deal with their inner issues until the drug issues are taken care of. Likewise, don’t attempt to get counseling for your teen until the drugs are out of their system. It’s a waste of money and time. The best plan is to have the two therapies work hand in hand, ensuring that the ongoing support of an Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous program continue in tandem with your teen’s counseling for emotional and behavioral issues.
If your teen is showing any of the signs I’ve already mentioned, I recommend that every few weeks, unannounced, you drug test your teen. Make it a prerequisite for using the car. Hold them accountable to the results, just as if a court would hold them accountable if they were on probation. Test them even when they squeal in protest or appear disappointed that you don’t trust them. Easy-to-use home drug and alcohol test kits can be bought in almost any drug store that can be used for regular monitoring. And when you test them, stay in the room. Don’t trust them to give you a valid sample. If they are getting caught up in that culture, they’ll also know ways to get around the test and they’ll have no trouble lying to you about it.
Overall, your teenager needs to know you will do everything in your parental power to keep drugs from becoming a part of their history, even if it means putting them in an addiction treatment program or reporting them to the authorities and landing them in jail. Better a few days in jail and a time on probation where they’ll get tested regularly, than a lifetime in the grip of drugs.
Don’t stick your head in the sand or otherwise pretend that your teen knows better than to try drugs. If you are dealing with an out of control teen, and there have been no other traumatic events or psychological problems, you are most likely dealing with the effects of drugs or alcohol or other intoxicating substances in one form or another. The sooner you know what you are dealing with, the better the chance you’ll have for finding the right kind of help for your child.
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PAY THE MOST ATTENTION TO BUILDING CHARACTER IN YOUR TEEN
Parents need to out front leading the charge when it comes to teaching character. If an important character value is lacking in your family, like that of respect, start with the only person you can readily change — yourself. Look for the cause and effect of your own example affecting your teenager’s lack of respect.
There are few things in life that a parent hopes for more than to pass on to their children the same principles and character values they live by. While physical traits are passed on from parents to children through their genes, character traits aren’t built into kids at birth. And neither are they taught…they are most often “caught.”
Values also don’t just appear when a teenager matures. They come from the experiences each of us have in life and from observing those around us, especially our parents, who model them day in and day out in the way they live.
So, if we want our children to be compassionate, we need to model that by volunteering at the homeless shelter or giving money to the poor. If we want them to be truthful, then we need to always tell the truth ourselves. If we want them to be respectful to us, then we must show respect to them and to our own parents.
There’s no excuse for parents not to be a good example of strong character to their children. It doesn’t mean we’ll always be perfect, for parents are human and we all make mistakes, but we need to be ready to ask forgiveness for our mistakes and set things straight when we’ve blown it. That’s an important character trait for children to learn as well.
Responsible or Obedient?
Some pushback typically does begin in the teen years. But I think that the job of a parent is to raise a responsible adult rather than an always obedient teen. Testing their wings of independence is part of the maturing process. In some homes any challenge or question (especially questioning their faith) is regarded as rebellion that needs to be squelched. A healthier view is that instead of pushing kids away, we take the time to work through things with them individually.
You’ve heard the expression that teens have to disown their parent’s faith so they can own their own faith. Likewise, we need to allow teens to test and even disown our ideals so they can create their own. When they do, they may get lost for a time, but they’ll naturally steer toward what they’ve been taught throughout their life. Like salmon returning to the stream where they were spawned, they’ll eventually find their way back home. Don’t taint that stream with emotional sewage, or dam it up with bad attitudes. All they need to hear is that they are welcome to come home.
Robert Frost wrote, “Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.” Create a home for your teen where they know they will always be loved and accepted, and you will have a home they will always want to come home to…no matter how far away they’ve been, or how lost they’ve become.
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NEW INFLUENCES IN THEIR CULTURE
In the 60′s, Christian parents were outraged over the “shocking” youth culture. However, parents today may wish for the “good old 60′s,” because on all levels, kids today are into far worse stuff, thanks mostly to the Internet.
Who would have ever thought that the Internet would beat out television and movies as the most time-consuming form of entertainment for teens? It has! 96% of all teens in the U.S. daily access the Internet, averaging more than four hours online every day. It now affects every family in some way, since it can be accessed in many more ways than it once could, and it is being used by teens in ways that may shock some less Internet-savvy parents. So, it is especially important for parents to know how their kids are interacting via digital media today, while also understanding that completely removing it isn’t always the best move.
The Breadth of the Problem
A lot of good can be gleaned from the Internet and from use of today’s digital tools like cell phones. The Internet is a powerful research and teaching tool. It has become the main source for news, new music and it will eventually become the main source for books and movies. Through cell phones, parents are able to keep in touch with their kids wherever they are, and kids can text each other. In fact, the average teen sends over 3,000 text messages to their family and friends every month — an important part of their social interaction. And through video tools like Skype and social networking sites, teens and extended families can connect with each other in important and extraordinary ways.
But along with all the good, comes the bad…
Pornography and suggestive invitations to participate in pornography are prevalent on the Internet and not easy to miss. Web surfers see inappropriate pictures or videos even if they aren’t necessarily looking for them and there is no cost barrier, since millions of photos are provided free. While the porn industry has been around since the beginning of painting and photography, the Internet and digital cameras on cell phones are making it so that just about anyone can become involved in uploading their own sexualized photos as well. As a result, no age group is more involved in digital pornography than teenagers. It has become so widespread and accepted in their culture, kids no longer see anything wrong with it.
What gets the most attention on the Internet are the images with the greatest shock value. In other words, the most shockingly immoral or dangerous videos or photos are the most sought for and passed around. Kids surf the Internet seeking titillating images to pass on to their friends. And many are making and uploading their own photos and videos. As a result, every form of experimentation, from drugs to sex are openly discussed, taught, demonstrated and encouraged on the Internet today.
When kids get online and participate in what they would never think of doing in person I call it “digital courage.” As a result, guys are getting a warped image of girls, what girls want from boys, and what boys should expect from girls. Girls are given messages that if you don’t present yourself in a sexualized way, then you won’t get noticed. And both sexes are getting warped ideas about same-sex relationships. It’s a culture fueled by permissive messages that make it okay to be blatant about sex and silly to care about modesty. And what’s happening online, in a fantasy world, is making its way into the real world for these kids when they spend hours engulfed in it daily.
I don’t think parents quite understand the tremendous amount of pressure that this emphasis on seduction places especially on impressionable teen and pre-teen girls. They are forced to choose between doing what is socially acceptable in their own circles and what is acceptable among their family and church. More often than not, the social pressure to fit in outweighs their desire to be modest and follow what they’ve been taught. Girls who’ve grown up in church may therefore begin to present themselves in ways that are not in line with the values they have learned.
Beyond the moral influences, kids fail to understand the potential practical consequences for what they carelessly post online. For instance, the United States government recently announced that every word “tweeted” on the second largest social networking site, Twitter, is being recorded for permanent public storage by the Library of Congress. It means that messages and images can be recalled many years from now. Why is that an issue? For one thing, many employers and some colleges now research what applicants have been saying or posting online, since what they find there is a good indicator of the motivations and attitudes of the applicant. Educational and career choices may be hindered by the careless words or pictures your teen is posting.
Solutions No More
It used to be that filters on your home computer could be used to block inappropriate sites, but that’s an incomplete solution today. Parents have a bigger issue on their hands now, with the advent of wireless and handheld computers, iPads, iPhones, PDA’s and smart cell phones. Kids can get online just about anywhere, not just at home where it can be monitored. Not only are there more wireless ways to connect, 77% of kids access the Internet at school or the library, where there may be no filters at all.
According to Pew Research, one third of all teens use the digital cameras on their own cell phones or computers to send sexual photos or “send sexual texts — a practice called “sexting.” Even if your teenager isn’t “sexting” themselves, photos and sexualized comments from other kids are being passed to them.
What’s a Parent to Do?
Parents need to realize that it is becoming nearly impossible to keep kids away from the bad stuff on the Internet. That’s why they should begin talking to their children in the tween years (by age 11) about the inappropriateness of pornography. Talk in age-appropriate terms, being careful not to spark interest in it or to make it appear that all kids are involved in it. Revisit the topic periodically, since your teen’s thoughts and motivations will change over time. Regularly ask questions in your one-on-one weekly meeting, like, “What so you think is appropriate and inappropriate to see or talk about on the Internet or in texts.” Be very wise in the way that you approach it so that you don’t push your child away. Listen more than you speak and never embarrass them.
Your child is likely on MySpace, Twitter or Facebook – the largest social networking sites — so you better make sure you are on there as well. There’s nothing like knowing that your parent may see what you say or the photos you post. It keeps them in line. Tell them that they must “friend” you, so you can monitor what they and their other friends are posting. But don’t respond to their posts online or otherwise bring embarrassment to them in front of their friends. Just use it for monitoring and discuss what you find there with them personally.
Getting It Under Control
It is important to keep in mind that all rules for use of the Internet in your home must be adapted to the age of your child and his or her responsibility level. With that being said, here are some tips for parents to get the Internet under control:
1. PASSWORD POLICY: Make it a home policy that parents must know all electronic passwords. This gives access if needed. Have access to their social networking account for your monthly monitoring (or don’t allow them on any network site if they can’t be responsible). Add yourself to their “friend” list to be able to roam around on their site. Make sure their profile is “private,” so that only their approved “friends” can communicate with them. A little monitoring goes a long way. If they refuse, disconnect their Internet access and texting on their cell phone.
2. TRACKING: Take advantage of parental controls offered by wireless communication companies, but also install silent tracking software and let it do its work to help you know what sites they are visiting. Most kids learn to quickly get around blocking software and the so-called “parental controls,” but they cannot usually defy software that tracks their every keystroke.
3. ACCESS: Keep Internet accessible devices out of your teen’s bedroom. Keep them out in an open area with the monitor visible from various angles. Don’t allow access unless you are in the room, and put a limit on the amount of time they may spend on the Internet. If you have wireless in your home, shut it down after hours and when your teen is alone at home. If your teen has a smart phone that can access Internet sites or receive photos, then have them turn it over to you before going to bed.
4. REVIEW: On their computer, periodically view their Internet “browser history” and follow the trail. You will be amazed; software is available to secretly record their every move if needed, especially if you think they are accessing the Internet overnight or when you are not home.
5. READ: Tell your teen that for the privilege of texting on their cell phone, you will periodically ask to see that they’ve been texting. Tell them that they mustn’t erase text messages, or that will be an assumed admission of guilt. Then, do unannounced spot checks several times per month. Don’t use it as an opportunity to seek proof of other offences, but simply spot check for inappropriate messages or photos. Then, talk to your teen about what you find.
Find out who they are chatting with online. Many times, the people on the other end aren’t who they portray themselves to be, so keep your teen out of the open chat rooms. Be especially careful if you think your teen may be interacting with an Internet stalker. If you find anyone you don’t know asking to meet your teen boy or girl alone somewhere, immediately report it to the police.
6. LOGIN: Get on their social networking home page and look around. Look at their friends. See what they’re saying. Look at what is being said to them. Go visit their friend’s pages. You might just find out something about your child that would be a perfect intro into some great conversations.
7. TALK, AND THEN TALK SOME MORE: If you find something inappropriate on a cell phone or computer, privately talk to your child. Make it something you agree to both get together to talk about periodically. Don’t accuse them and assume the worst. All teens – especially boys — are curious about adult things and they want to see what their friends are suggesting they see. So, be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. You’ll be amazed how your child will respond when you speak with a gentle spirit, not one of condemnation and guilt. You’ll be glad you found the issue before it got too big in the child’s life. Catching it early will often prevent it from becoming a life-long addiction.
I believe in privacy. I believe in trust. But I also believe in “being there” to be the parent God has called me to be. If I see anything that concerns me, then it must be brought into the open with the teen, shared, and discussed. I tell kids that I sleep with one eye open. I’m always looking for something that has the potential to destroy a relationship with them and with God. I tell them that I’m looking out for them because I don’t want any unwelcome thing to intrude into their life.
It’s Up to You
Monitoring your teen’s Internet use can be a lot of added work, but I believe that parents should go to no end to find out what their teen is into and who they are connecting with online, especially if it begins affecting their attitudes and behaviors. That portal to the outside world needs monitoring. After all, would you let just anyone, even a registered sex offender or pornographer, into your house to befriend your teen? Of course not. The hold that an outsider may have on your teenage girl, or the hold that pornography may have on a teenage boy, may ultimately harm both them and your family. Your teen will be too embarrassed to reveal it, so it’s up to you to find out and take action.
Helping your teen become more discerning in how they surf or text on the Internet is now more important than older tactics of simply blocking teens from it. They’ll find other ways to access the Internet, whether at school or in their friend’s homes or using their friend’s cell phone or laptop computer. So, teaching them to be discerning will give kids the skills they need in a culture where it is nearly impossible for a parent to completely block them from accessing it.
Moms and dads all over the country express great frustration to me with how to positively encounter their teen living in a seductive, visually oriented, and digitally bombarded world. The answer to their questions is always that they have to do something, rather than doing nothing. Online and texting parameters must be set, communicated, and adhered to. And it must be a set of parameters that are monitored, revisited and discussed often. Remember this…rules without monitoring aren’t rules at all, just blind suggestions.
Video Games
More than 2.5 billion video games have been sold worldwide and the industry is growing exponentially. In fact, video game sales now surpass sales of both music and movies. For millions of kids and young adults, playing video games has become an obsession.
I think what happens in many homes is that the parents buy video game consoles, intending to play games together as a family. The kids initially enjoy them, and the parents play along from time to time. But the excitement eventually wanes and the kids come home from their friends’ houses asking for the more advanced video games their friends have. Partly out of guilt for not playing with them more often, mom and dad agree to buy the more advanced video games that the kids can play on their own, not paying much attention to what’s on them or how much time is spent playing them. After all, it keeps them at home, out of trouble.
The Draw of Video Games
Teenagers love playing video games because they provide a challenge and an escape. They offer mental and visual stimuli that can cause the “gamer” to forget where they are. In fact, hours can pass as if minutes. It’s sad that we live in a culture that is so stressed that kids feel the need to escape in this way. It shows the intensity of that world out there and the need for parents to make their home and their relationship a place of rest for their teen.
What’s more, kids find a sense of value and esteem in playing these games. Even the dorkiest kids can become virtual sports stars, rock stars, cool secret agents or Rambo-like warriors in these games. It’s one thing they can do better than their parents and maybe even their friends, so they relish it. And it’s one place — maybe the only place — where they feel totally in control.
When It Becomes All-Consuming
I find it interesting that the word “Atari,” the brand name of one of the original video game platforms, means in Japanese “you’re about to become engulfed.” And that’s exactly what happens to kids and an increasing number of young adults who play video games. They become engulfed in these games and lose all sense of time or care for anything else. Many kids stay up all night secretly playing video games, night after night. The loss of sleep causes them to become emotional wrecks and their grades begin to slip. Like any other addiction, they can’t get enough of it.
There is also an opportunity cost to playing video games. Every hour spent on them is an hour the teen isn’t doing something more productive, like learning a new hobby, getting exercise, doing homework, or spending time with the family. Anything that takes over a child’s time and attention for many hours every day should be moderated. Parents need to moderate the amount of time that their kids play and the type of games their kids play, and not just follow the rating on the package. Make sure the game is appropriate for your child and your family values.
Some argue that playing video games is a good way to spend time with friends, and I agree. But kids who are consumed by these games will tell you that they started playing games with their friends, but then moved on to playing against people online that they don’t even know. So that’s a red flag — don’t let your kids become so consumed by these games that they no longer invite their friends over to play.
The Effect of Violent Video Games
While most moms don’t want their kids playing “shooter” games, research is split on the effect of violent video games. I find just as many experts saying they have a negative effect as not. I truly think that it is more of a reflection on the individual child, their maturity, and the situation in the home than anything else. If you have a kid who is already prone to violent outbursts, hangs around with violent kids, or seems to lack a moral compass, violent games should be avoided. It’s akin to giving stimulants to a hyperactive kid.
Some experts offer the horrific shooting at Columbine High School in 1999 as an example of the negative impact of violent video games. The two teenage shooters, Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris, were known to be immersed in violent video games. They reported in their online diaries that their lives were most gratifying while playing in a virtual world. Some think that the two killers may have been desensitized to killing due to their constant exposure to violent imagery and actions in such video games, as well as the violent movies they both enjoyed, which gloried killing.
Trouble began to brew after the games were grounded when Klebold and Harris were arrested for breaking into a vehicle. That’s when they had time on their hands to begin planning the school massacre. Some experts believe that the anger and tactics that were previously being projected into the video games was unleashed into the real world when they could no longer play. Maybe so, but psychiatrists diagnosed Harris, the leader of the two, a psychopath who was already bent on killing those in the school who had wronged him. A psychopath has no ability to tell what is real from what is not real, and is characterized by selfishness, ruthlessness and the inability to feel guilt.
So it becomes a “chicken or the egg” question. Did the games cause Harris to become a psychopath, or was he already a psychopath and the games fueled his murderous intentions? Obviously, the latter is true. If violent video games did create psychopaths, we’d see Columbine-like massacres happening around the world every minute of the day, because millions of kids and young adults are playing them. Of course, that’s not happening.
I believe that for most kids violent video games won’t do anything at all – especially if the game is played only periodically as a pastime. The normal child won’t become desensitized to killing people by simply playing “shooter” video games. They know that the opposing characters in the game aren’t real — no different than the skeet I shoot or the plastic ducks lined up at the shooting range at the fair. For boys, who are visually-oriented and naturally have a warrior instinct, these games of skill and conquering are very appealing. It’s when they’re played incessantly that the fantasy world can sometimes get mixed up with the real world. And that’s a problem only if the child is already emotionally unstable.
Getting Video Games Under Control
What you as a parent can do is to keep an eye on the games your teen is playing. When a new game is purchased or is given to your teen as a gift, play the game with them to learn how it works and what images and values it portrays. If you find it objectionable, then get rid of it, even if your child pitches a fit. Most cities have video game exchanges, so take your teen there so they can find a better game to trade for. Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water by banning video games altogether. There are literally thousands of good games, including skills-based sports games, skateboarding games, motocross and racing games, city-building games, and multi-tiered adventures with no immoral or violent overtones.
If your teen is spending way too much time playing video games, or if the games are affecting their motivation or personality, then it’s time to act. Cut back the number of hours they play daily. Shut down the unit and take away the power cord after a certain hour in the evening. Require that they match the time they play video games with equal amounts of other more productive non-digital activities. And remember this…kids play video games on their computers and on smart phones as well, not just using the game box hooked to the TV, so be sure to keep an eye on that as well.
Playing video games can be a fun activity that you and your teenager can enjoy together. In fact, it can help your relationship if you make it a point to play with them on a regular basis. But it can be an unhealthy activity if it consumes your child’s time and attention, takes them away from you, their friends or the rest of the family, or if it promotes immoral thoughts or behavior. Some video games can feed violent or antisocial behavior in teens who are already prone to such problems.
If your teen is already caught up in video games to an extent that it is consuming their life, and you can’t get them away from it, then treat it like any other addiction. Intervene with the help of a good counselor who deals with such addictions. They’ll give you the tools you both need and uncover the root causes for why the teen tends to be consumed by this kind of activity.
The bottom line for parents is this…tell your kids that you’ll stand beside them through thick and thin, but you’ll stand in front of them when it comes to blocking anything unhealthy, immoral or antisocial that is influencing their life…and that includes controlling their use of video games.
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DON’T ALLOW TEEN TROUBLES
TO TROUBLE YOUR MARRIAGE
Mark Twain once said, “When a child turns 13, put them in a box. Cut a hole in the box to pass in food and water. When they turn 16, plug up the hole.” Unfortunately, teen troubles aren’t that easy to solve, and they can strain all of the relationships in the family . . . especially the parent’s marriage.
I received an email not long ago from a desperate grandmother who is rearing her teenage granddaughter. She told me, “She has always been hard to handle, but lately she has been getting out of hand. She is angry, disrespectful and mean. We’ve tried counseling and different parenting techniques, without success. Now, our marriage is on the brink of divorce.”
Did you notice how she immediately shifted from talking about her granddaughter’s issues, to mentioning how it is affecting her own marriage? I hear it all the time — and I see it on the faces of parents who bring their child to us at Heartlight. The stress and strain of dealing with a difficult child bent on self-destruction is more than most marriages can bear. The teen invariably pits the parents against each other and the parents begin blaming each other, or they conflict over the how to “fix” their child. It can and does tear families apart.
The worst thing that can happen for your teenager is for your family and marriage to crumble. Mom and dad need to protect their marriage, above all else. In fact, it is more important than just about anything the parents can do to help their child.
If you are struggling with your teen, make the commitment today that you will do whatever you have to do to protect or reestablish your marital relationship — even if it means removing your teen from your home for a time to give your relationship a rest. Your marriage needs to be your highest priority at this time.
Prescription for a Healthy Marriage Amidst Teen Troubles
1) See the experience as something you must manage together. A problem with a teen is simply something you are not going to be able to handle properly if there are divisions between you. Use the strengths of both husband and wife to deal with the situation.
2) Share your feelings. Honestly express the strains you are feeling because of what is happening. Don’t take an expression of pain from your spouse as an attack on you as a person or as a parent.
3) Present a united front to your teen. Sit down and talk to your teen together. Make it clear to them that the “Napoleon Strategy” of divide and conquer will not work. Lay out clear guidelines for how you will deal with problems together.
4) Don’t expect your spouse to fill the void. When a close relationship you enjoyed with a younger child is disrupted, do not turn to your spouse and place the responsibility on them to fill your expectations and pick up the slack.
5) Don’t expect your spouse to change. My wife and I spent a year and half in counseling together. One of the things that gave us the most help was being told to quit trying to change each other. It made our life immensely better.
6) Don’t blame each other for the problem. Since none of us is perfect, something your spouse did or failed to do may have contributed to the problem with the teen. The past cannot be changed; it is detrimental to try to fix blame for it.
7) Don’t avoid the pain. As the old saying goes, “Denial is not just a river in Egypt.” Trying to pretend like there isn’t anything wrong is a recipe for disaster. Honestly face the situation and plan your response to it with your eyes wide open.
Build in fun times together. Even though you’re struggling you still can enjoy good things in life to do together as a couple. It keeps the spark of hope burning and reminds you that things can and will get better. Don’t let the fire go out!
The point is this, spend extra time together and keep working not just on your child’s problems, but on your own relationship as well. Take breaks away from the kids and from talking about your teen’s problems. I know it is hard to get away from a teen you worry about, but make it happen. Don’t forsake your friends, hobbies or fun things in life. Your teen needs to see that they aren’t “winning” the battle by causing you to mope around or become hermits so you can keep your eye on them.
If you aren’t together and your marriage strong, your teen will know it…and use it against you. I’ve had parents say to me, “We just can’t see eye to eye.” My reply is, “Then get counseling and fix it.” Don’t let pride keep you from doing what your kids—and your marriage—need. All of us need guidance and direction to not only help us get to where we want to go, but also to keep from the places we never thought we would end up. Even Jan and I had to get counseling for a period of time, and it helped a lot.
If your teen sees his parents working through their problems with each other and with a counselor, it will give him hope that his situation can be resolved as well. It will give validity to his own need for a counselor, should it come to that. Don’t be afraid to share some of those struggles with him in the context of working toward a solution. “We’re going to remain strong even when don’t agree” gives the child license to see struggle and still be loved and accepted.
Tackle your own marital struggles and disagreements first, with a bedrock commitment to respect and unity, and you’ll give your teen a powerful example to follow. My friend DeeDee Mayer says that one of the great benefits of marriage is: “To know and be known as a human being and be loved anyway.” Extend that same benefit to your teen and make sure they know it as well.
Preventive Care
When I was a kid, people weren’t worried about skin cancer very much. You didn’t see moms at the beach slathering their kids with all different kinds of sunscreen or afraid to let them go outside to play. None of us knew what “SPF” was. Now we do. The purpose of sunscreen is to prevent something serious from happening later on. In the same way, you can…and should…apply sunscreen to your relationship well before the problems start.
We’ve had over many kids come live with us at Heartlight over the past twenty years. Almost every parent has said something like this to me: “We never knew that our child was going to struggle like this,” or, “Our child seemingly changed overnight.” Those families weren’t prepared for what hit them, and for many, it led to difficulty in their marriage and even divorce.
Parents who are approaching the teen years would be wise to prepare ahead of time—ensuring that they are on the same page and the foundations of their marriage are strong. They’ll start taking steps today to guard their marriage from the problems that can come during the teen years. And for those who are in the midst of teen struggles now, they’d be wise to turn their attention toward their marriage first, and that will be the start of healing for the whole family, including their teen.
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INSTILL VALUE IN YOUR TEEN
Does your teenager feel valued and significant in your home? If not, they’ll look for value and acceptance somewhere else. There are plenty of people who can make them feel valued, but mostly from the wrong crowd and with the wrong motives.
We parents do a ton of stuff for our kids, but what if they still don’t feel valued? Should we do even more, or less? Are we doing the right things, or all the wrong things? How can we best instill value in our teenagers? And why is that so important?
Think of it this way; there are four things you can offer your teenager to make them feel valued: your unconditional love, your experience, your time, and your wisdom. Each of these builds value. Being valued makes a teenager feel like they belong; they are accepted and they are therefore at peace with the world. Being valued builds their self-esteem and helps them have the confidence to say “No” to their peers. Being valued helps a teenager want to maintain their own sense of value and not accept anything less.
When I talk about ways to instill value, you’ll notice that I’ll never mention using “your money” or “your faith” to instill value. Material and spiritual things are needed and certainly valuable, but they don’t build the kind of value that only a parent’s attention and love can offer. They are, in fact, often used as crutches by parents not interested in instilling real value in their children. Nearly every teen that has come through our Heartlight counseling program has either been given an abundance of material goods or spiritual guidance in their lifetime, or both, but for some reason they didn’t feel valued by both of their birth parents, so they crashed in the teen years.
As children grow in independence, so does their desire to be valued as independent individuals. This desire may become so intense; they may violate their own values and destroy everything in their life in order to find it. They may even do unbelievably stupid or dangerous things to gain acceptance from their peers. If they feel neglected by their parents, or if they still have open emotional wounds from being abandoned or abused as a child, they will often seek to have their value validated outside of the family.
The point is this…does your teenage child feel valued? If not, and if they lack true identity and significance as independent individuals in your family, you may lose them to the wrong crowd.
The Roles We Play
Parents tend to play different roles in helping their children find value. Moms instill a sense of value, and dads validate it. But dads can sometimes be lax in regard to discipline and hurt the mother’s ability to instill value. Things get all out of whack, because mom then needs to become the sole disciplinarian and enforcer — the bad guy — while dad becomes the good guy. It can hurt the mother’s relationships and her ability to instill value. And if dad is missing altogether, problems will usually follow. All children need their father’s blessing. When dad’s stamp of approval is not there, the child will look for validation somewhere else. This is especially true of teenage girls. They need their dad to meet that need for validation – something only he can really fulfill. And with 12- to 14-year-old girls, this need is greater than ever. But sadly, many dads get too busy or otherwise emotionally move away from their daughters at this time in their life. I’ve seen many times where a dad thinks that he’s involved in the life of his daughter, but she feels something completely different.
Scripture tells us that God is like the mighty warrior, but He’s also the tender loving mother who plays with her child. Is God a man or a woman? Well, He’s both. He created us in His image and He created us male and female, so He encompasses both characteristics as He both instills and validates our value. But Christian parents can sometimes undermine the value God tries to instill in us by confusing it with constant messages of guilt and shame. A teen can begin feeling as though there is no way to please their parents (or God). But that’s not true Christianity. Jesus said, “Come to Me, you are weary and heavy laden.” He set the standard of offering forgiveness and grace while also holding up the standard of proper living.
If you’ve been focusing too much on discipline, day in and day out, I have an idea for you to try. Focus on discipline just three days a week: Monday, Wednesday and Friday. On the other days work hard to make your teen feel valued. Those are the days you tell your teen to “Come onto me.” Those are the days you offer grace and build them up. Don’t tell them you are doing this, or it will short circuit the whole idea, but this exercise can help to change your focus and that could be enough to make your teen feel more valued. And when they feel more valued, they’ll do less to exasperate you.
It reminds me of the speed traps police often put up. Some days they are out in full force and they really hammer the speeders with tickets. Then, other days it seems like you can’t find a police officer if your life depended on it. Though they are only seen in force periodically, it keeps the speeders in check throughout the week without it feeling like a police state. If your teen feels like your home is becoming a police state most of the time, perhaps it is time to back off some days and give them some breathing room on other days. Focusing on the rules just a few days a week will keep them in check the rest of the week. (Of course, don’t tell them what days you’ll be enforcing). And putting your attention on valuing them on the “off” days will ensure your teen feels valued even when they are making mistakes, so they’ll work harder to not make the same mistakes in the future.
Ways to Make Your Teen Feel Valued
1. Make sure there is structure and rules. Structure says, “You are the one I am concerned about…and I value you enough to work with you and love you through the times you step out of line.” Discipline is all about them, and even though no teen outwardly likes it, it says you value them enough to help them. When kids come to Heartlight and meet me, they really don’t like me at first. But eventually they come around to respect me because I don’t mince words or give them wiggle room on the rules, but I also strive to develop a relationship with them and avoid making them feel like heels when they do make a mistake. They understand that my goal is to help them, not badger or demean them. As a result, I can’t tell you how many calls I receive from kids who have graduated our program, and the college graduations, weddings and funerals I’ve attended or lead because these kids wanted me to remain in their life, even years later.
2. Ask questions and collaborate with them. When parents convey that what their teen has to say is important, it also conveys value. We parents share our opinions far too often in the teen years, because we don’t want our teens to make the same mistakes we did, but we need to back off and offer our wisdom only when they ask. And though we may be shocked or not like what they are saying, we need to listen to what they have to say anyway. They’re probably just thinking out loud, and doing so in their immature way. They may just be echoing what their friends said — not really buying into it themselves. But if you react too harshly, it can sometimes cement that idea in their mind and cause them to go that direction. So, be sure to talk with your teen and do so mostly with your eyes and ears, not your mouth.
3. Give grace. Grace is an act of kindness. It is offering them something that’s undeserved. It affirms them with a message that says, “I love you when you are doing well, but I will also love you when you aren’t.” I recommend that all parents memorize this key statement: “There is nothing you can do to make me love you more. And there is nothing you can do to make me love you any less.” Share it with your child on a regular basis. Post it on your refrigerator door, attach it to the bathroom mirror, write it in soap on the windshield of their car. You cannot deliver this message to your teen too often. And, they need to hear it every day.
4. Give of your time. If you are giving part of your valuable time to your teen, they’ll feel important and valued. In my counseling, the most often mentioned desire of teen girls is, “I want more time with my dad.” They want time together, even if they don’t act like they do. Whether you are a mom or a dad, take your teen to lunch, grab a snack after school, attend all games or school events, find things you can do together, and communicate with them online. Send daily text messages to say “Hi” or, “I love you.” Make sure your teen knows your desire to continue to be involved in his or her life. Do it, or they’ll seek validation from someone else, and that can lead to bigger problems than you ever want to have with your teen.
Even teenagers who are feeling totally valued by their parents will seek acceptance and value from their peers as well. If like chameleons, they begin looking more and more like their peers, this is why. But if Mom and Dad bristle against their teen’s change in dress or looks — something teens do to gain acceptance by their peers – they will lose out, because the teen will gravitate toward their peers instead. In fact, teens tend to be fiercely loyal to their friends — even ones they barely know — if they are receiving a sense of value from them or from being a part of that group. It’s kind of like the poles of a magnet. Once a parent turns on a teen in regard to their looks or their friends, the teen feels like they are being attacked and devalued personally, so the poles reverse and the teen is pushed away, toward their friends. Now, I’m not talking about accepting immodest dress or inappropriate talk or activities; and a parent shouldn’t feel obligated to keep their teen in the latest fashions. There are ethical and financial boundaries that need to be established, but every teen needs to feel like they can fit in with their peers and their culture, so parents would be wise to allow their teen to work for and spend their own money in regard to how they look and dress.
Here is the bottom line…it’s important for your teen to know that they needn’t look or act a specific way, or perform at a certain level in order to maintain your love. Your relationship with them won’t stop if they mess up, and your love will survive the tough times. Having a relationship that offers significance and value means remaining involved in their daily life and accepting their growing need for independence.
For all of us, value and security comes from knowing we are valued by God and our family. Your teen needs to sense that they “belong” and are valued regardless of what they do. Giving a sense of value is the most valuable gift you’ll ever give your children…and it’s free! So give it away, freely.
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BE CONSISTENT
When I recently asked 3,000 parents what they would change if they could start over again in their parenting, the number one response was, “I’d be more consistent.”
I suppose these parents now realize that their inconsistency led their teen and their family to a place they really didn’t want to go. Whether rooted in misplaced love, or from being distracted by the hustle and bustle of life, or by not wanting to be the “bad guy” all the time, they made a habit of giving in, and now they are sorry for it.
Based on my work with teenagers, I’d have to say those parents are justified in their remorse because I see a lot of kids today all mixed up by inconsistent parents. Teens left to themselves will naturally get into trouble. That’s the nature of adolescence. The path they’ll go down is the one of least resistance or the greatest pleasure. And that’s why they need structure — but it needs to be consistent to make any sense to them. Most teens thrive when clear and unmovable boundaries are in place, because it’s the one anchor in their otherwise turbulent life.
Without consistency a teen will feel like they are living on a seesaw, where certain behaviors are okay one day and not the next. Not knowing which will happen next can be stressful, and that can lead to anxiety, anger, depression, irritability, frustration, over-reaction to everyday problems, memory loss and a lack of concentration. Does that sound like your teen?
I’ll Never Be Like My Parents!
Many parents don’t discipline their children because they’re afraid they will become like that military father or the domineering mother they swore they would never be like. Others don’t discipline because they’re afraid of losing something with their child that they have worked years to attain…a good relationship. But everybody in the family loses when the parents are inconsistent. It hurts the misbehaving kids, it hurts the marital relationship, and it hurts the kids who are being obedient. Why? Because when one parent is less concerned about upholding the rules, the other parent invariably gets exasperated and feels they need to go overboard with rules.
More often than not, moms tend to want more rules, while dads tend to be too lax in regard to rules. When one parent becomes the “heavy” and the other becomes the “easy,” the relationship between the teen and the parent, and the parents to each other, can suffer. If the mom is the “heavy,” she is constantly battling her kids (without her husband’s help) and that will strain the relationship she has with her children and her husband. If the dad is the “heavy,” his efforts to discipline can be undermined by a wife who tends to let her children off the hook too easily. So the dad is seen as mean and uncaring by the child and even by the wife. It’s only when parents participate equally that relationships throughout the family are balanced and able to flourish.
To be consistent, mom and dad need to come together to agree on the basic household rules, based on their own beliefs. As in everything else in life, there may be a need for some compromise. Mom won’t get every rule she wants, and dad will have to be more concerned about the rules than he has been. Both parents will have to work as a team, and not usurp each other’s authority by adding rules or not enforcing the ones they’ve agreed to.
So Step Up!
I realize that some parents don’t want to discipline. But they need to step up and realize that their child needs rules and boundaries and consequences to correct and strengthen their character. It’s not because the child needs justice for doing something wrong, but because they need patterns molded into their life that will determine how they will engage with people in the future. It can literally determine if they’ll be successful in life or not.
The focus of teen discipline should be aimed at critical character values like honesty, obedience, and respect. Honesty is a character issue that will help them in their relationships in the future. Obedience will help them gain direction and insight into life. Respect is the bedrock of all friendships and interpersonal relationships. You correct their lapses in these areas so that they will have the type of relationships that they really want…and to keep them from destroying or impeding relationships with their foolishness.
Remember this…discipline isn’t about you and it isn’t about getting back at your kid. It’s about helping them. Your child will continue in their selfish, immature behavior patterns until the pain they receive is greater than the pleasure they receive from it. They’ll continue in those negative things until someone holds them accountable. We are the ones, as parents, who must do that. It cannot be left to anyone else. We are the ones who need to say to our children, “You cannot do this.” We need to set the boundaries and establish the consequences. We need to make it clear that we’ll walk along side our teen in life, but we’ll move to stand in front of them when they start down the wrong path. Why? Because we know that if they go that direction, it will lead to their unhappiness.
Here are some things to remember about discipline.
1. “Rules without relationship cause rebellion” (Josh McDowell). If one thinks that discipline is nothing more than a list of rules posted on the refrigerator that line out how everyone is supposed to act, they are greatly mistaken. It is important that time be spent with your child building a relationship, or the discipline will have no effect.
2. Look to their interest. Don’t hand out a consequence just because your teen made you mad. Hand it out because, if they continue in the inappropriate behavior, the result will be something that is harmful to them, and will take them somewhere they really don’t want to go.
3. Discipline means confrontation. Confrontation is never easy, and is never really that enjoyable. To avoid confrontation is only postponing the inevitable to a time when things will be worse.
4. Don’t be afraid of seeing your child go through the pain of consequences. Parents are, at times, too quick to rescue a child from their discomfort, thus keeping them from learning from their mistakes or choices. Your rescuing just might allow them to continue in their plight. There are many words for this: denial, enabling, equipping. Rescuing is usually done with the wrong motive, and invariably the wrong results.
5. You can’t be consistent with everything, so pick your battles wisely. If I was determined to correct every issue that a child presents, I would spend all my time correcting, and very little time building any relationship at all. Your child is not going to be perfect this side of heaven, and there’s plenty of time to correct things along the way, so focus on ten things versus one hundred, and be consistent with just those ten. Remember, even God had just ten commandments.
6. Discipline is training. Discipline is helping your child to get where they want to be and to keep them from a place they don’t want to end up. Practice discipline in your own parenting even as you discipline your child, and you’ll get them there.
Teach What You Know to Be True
In your discipline, stick with what you know to be true and you know to be right. Think back to the basic principles your parents or grandparents taught you, and pass those forward. They are tried and true. Focus on rules and boundaries that build character. They’ll create a foundation for your child to base every decision they make in their life.
Periodically review the rules in your family. If you determine that some are simply unnecessary or too confining, don’t just stop enforcing it. Make it clear to your teen that you have both thought it through and the rule no longer applies, or they will think you are being inconsistent. And be sure to accentuate the positive — when your teen gets it right, congratulate and reward them.
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LEARN HOW TO CONNECT
Teens today are experts in the art of mass communications. They have every communications gadget imaginable and they communicate to friends and the whole world about things that might be better left unsaid. After all, does the world really need to know they just let their cat out, or brushed their teeth, or that they like to play Farmville for hours on end? I don’t think so, but they do.
This form of one-way communication, however, doesn’t mean that kids are connecting. It does little to develop meaningful personal relationships and the feeling of connectedness that all teens long for. The fast-paced culture in which they live is tough on their relationships. It confuses them more than anything, and it blocks the route to more meaningful communications, especially the kind of communication they need to have with their parents.
On the other hand, parents may not feel that they have much to offer the younger generation in terms of relationship, nor do they think they have anything in common to talk about. But just the opposite is true. Given the right approach, you can open the door to your wisdom and a sense of relationship they long for – the kind of true connectedness that can only come from a parent.
Here’s how I do it. When I hang out with kids, I ask them all kinds of questions. It’s not just a drill for information, but more of an attempt to establish the idea that I am willing to spend time with them because I value their presence. I sit lower than they are sitting, and I never share my opinion unless it’s asked for. You may wonder, “How do you make a point, or share truth, if you never share your opinion?” I don’t, at least not at first — not until they learn to trust me.
Trust is built when you listen for the sake of establishing a relationship. So set it up from the beginning that you want to listen to your teen’s opinion, even if you don’t agree. Ask them about things in their life without sounding as though you are prying, and without providing a response or giving a lecture. Never demean what they say they believe – even when you know spoken from immaturity. You don’t have to agree with what they say to be respectful of the person saying it.
It takes some planning and thinking about the kinds of questions your teen will respond to in a positive way, but begin by doing some research. Keep up with places they have been, what they’re doing, what’s popular in their culture and what they like. When they see that you are making an attempt to understand their life, their struggles, and even the music they enjoy, it begins to establish that you respect and care for them. I know, you shouldn’t have to “prove” that, but in the teen years, you sometimes need to by the way you interact.
One may say, “Well you lost your chance by not speaking up when they’ve said something stupid!” Or, “You shouldn’t encourage that kind of thinking.” But no, the time for truth will come. It is more important to open the door and communicate about any subject then to stand on a soapbox with no audience. Let them know it is okay to have their own opinion, despite your own opinion of it. Help them understand that you may not agree about everything, but instead of an argument, you can have a discussion, and hopefully come to a reasonable solution. When you teach our child that you are willing to listen, they learn to be willing to listen to you in return.
Your child will appreciate you more for recognizing their passions and interests and trying to help them pursue it. So, encourage your child to discover their gifts and talents, and then provide the support that will spur them in that direction. Get involved in what your child loves to do, even if you don’t love it yourself. When you do, your actions will convey a sense of value and connectedness that no words can impart. And when they feel a sense of value, they will move toward you in a way you would have never dreamed possible.
The need to feel connected is within every one of us. We all want to find acceptance, and to be challenged to grow in our areas of weakness. So, foster a sense of relationship and connectedness by nurturing your teen, asking lots of questions, talking with them (not to them), and valuing their opinions and interests, even when they are counter to your own.
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PREPARE IN THE TWEEN YEARS
Parents with children in the “tween” years should pat themselves on the back for a job well done! After a decade of protecting and nurturing their growing child, parenting can become easier at this time. But they would be wise to consider this breather period as a time to prepare for the often turbulent teen years and make the appropriate adjustments in their parenting style.
When your child reaches the”tween” years, parenting can seem to smooth out and become easier, but those who have been through this stage might call it, “the calm before the storm.” The parent of a “tween-ager” may be tempted to think, “Why change the way I relate to my child, since things are going so well right now?” Here’s why…in a year or two your teen will begin to earnestly seek independence. They will spend more time away from you and your home, and they’ll become influenced by their culture and friends.
When kids begin thinking and reasoning for themselves, their parents may realize too late that they haven’t properly shifted their own parenting style to accommodate for a more self-willed and self-sufficient child. They can therefore be surprised and dismayed at the rift it creates in their relationship.
Lacking a strong relationship with parents, teenagers who are spending more time away from home begin thinking they are in control and that their parents are irrelevant and totally out of sync with them and the world. A parent who hasn’t learned to shift their style of parenting will see their child pull away from them at this time. To their dismay, they’ll see their teen making immature decisions that can lead them down the wrong path in life.
To prevent your child from pulling away from you, here are a few suggestions for changing your parenting style for the next decade of your child’s life. Implementing these suggestions will provide a more stable line of defense by keeping you and your teen in a closer relationship; minimizing the possibility you’ll be blindsided by the storms of adolescence.
Change 1: Give Your Teen Room to Decide on Their Own, Within Boundaries
First, realize that your child no longer needs or wants you to control their every move. So major on the majors and avoid hovering over your teen. Demanding that they follow your lead is counterproductive to their maturing process. It gets in the way of the greater goal of teaching them how to think for themselves and it can spoil the opportunity for them to flex their options-seeking and decision-making muscles.
Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice may it be only in praise. If I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer. If I make a demand, may it be only of myself. – Max Lucado
So, allow them to learn how to solve their own problems through finding their own answers. Don’t force your opinions or directives on them about the less significant matters in their life. Establish and enforce age-appropriate and moral boundaries to corral their behavior, but within those boundaries, allow them to make most of their own decisions. They will probably not make the right decisions at first, but failing a few times will teach them the right answer or at least to seek other alternatives the next time. Your job in the teen years is not to hawk over them and rescue them, as you did when they were younger, but to guide and encourage them.
Change 2: Focus on Building Character More than Demanding Obedience
Secondly, change the focus and intent of your rules from protection to character-building. The most important character-building qualities your child will develop include keeping commitments and living honestly and respectfully. So, set up boundaries and rules in regard to these qualities, and seek out situations where character can be developed. For example, help them find a job where they will be held accountable for arriving on time. Let them volunteer and help those less fortunate while at the same time taking on leadership and responsibility. Assign the strongest penalties and consequences for character misjudgments, such as displays of disrespect, lying and cheating.
Change 3: Listen Twice as Much as You Speak
I see two extremes in the way many parents listen, and neither one is very helpful. A parent might listen carefully, but then react to every word that comes out of their teen’s mouth. Or, a parent assumes they already know what their child is thinking, and ignores what they say entirely.
As difficult as it can be to hear what your teen is really thinking, I believe it is better to know it than to not know it. However, knowing it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to react or respond immediately. Sometimes your teen is just “thinking out loud” in an attempt to process a difficulty they are experiencing.
If you are guilty of not really listening, you may see your teen baiting you and picking fights just to try to get you to understand what’s going on in their life — at a deeper level. And if you miss what they are really trying to say, you’re setting yourself up for a lot of heartache.
But listening only works if you find ways to keep in touch. That’s why I recommend connecting with your teen periodically when they are out of the house, and requiring a breakfast or lunch meeting once a week, just to hear them out. Connect with them in all the ways that they connect with their friends — through texting, email, social media, and cell phone. Make it comfortable and fun for your teen to bring friends home, so you can get to know them and they you.
Ask your teen questions and don’t give your opinion until you are invited to do so. Show them you value their opinion. Zip your lip and open your ears, even if it makes for an uncomfortable silence. It is a simple concept with staggering ramifications for a child who has for the first decade of their life looked to you for leading the discussion and giving all the answers.
Change 4: Teach Them How to Weigh the Options
Parents are sometimes so intent on passing along their values and beliefs that they send the wrong message to their teen – one that says, “I know better than you, so your opinion doesn’t matter.” One sure way to set up a power struggle with your teen and a rift in your relationship is to make them feel that their opinions are stupid, or that some things cannot discussed with you.
A more productive way to respond to a teen’s rash conclusions is by saying, “I understand what you’re saying, but might there be other options?” The more you ask thoughtful questions, the more your teen will learn to think through their other options, rather than acting on the first idea that comes to mind. Teaching a teen to weigh the options and foresee the results is a valuable tool they’ll use again and again throughout their life.
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CALM YOUR ANXIETY
Parents of teenagers can grow anxious about the path their teen is choosing in life. They might worry about their teen’s future, or even fret over whether or not they’ll have a good relationship with their teen after they leave home.
If you’re feeling anxious today, I’d like to offer some advice. First, let’s put anxiety into perspective with the words of Billy Graham, who wisely said, “Anxiety is the natural result when our hopes are centered in anything short of God and His will for us.” If we could apply that truth to the parents of teenagers, the answer to anxiety is the same — to have faith in God to guide your teenager along the right path.
Such faith can be severely tested, however, by teenagers who get off track. I call these kids “lost.” No, not necessarily in the eternal sense that their souls are lost, but that they are no longer traveling the road their parents put them on. In fact, they’re traveling on a road that’s foreign to their parents and are headed to a destination unknown.
Their off track behavior is easily mistaken for out and out rebellion, but from my experience, most aren’t really rebelling at all. For one reason or another, they’re traveling down the wrong road, and they don’t know how to navigate their way back on their own. Their behavior is an outward reflection of something on the inside needing to get out, displayed in an immature and inappropriate way.
Parents quick to label a child’s behavior “rebellious” might miss the true heart of what’s going on with their child. And if the parent reacts too harshly, frustration and stubbornness may set in, pushing the teen even further down the wrong path. So, the question parents should first ask is this: “Is the behavior I see in my teen really rebellion, or has something happened in their life that has caused them to become lost?
“Is the behavior I see in my teen really rebellion, or has something happened in their life that has caused them to become lost?”
For example, I remember one set of parents who had no idea their young son was sexually and emotionally abused by a friend of the family. On the surface, their child was angry, lashing out, smoking dope, and depressed. They thought he was being rebellious. But once they understood what was really happening to him, they changed the way they engaged with him. He wasn’t being rebellious, he was a victim of abuse, and choosing the only way he knew to let his parents know there was a problem in his life. Knowing what was at the root of their boy’s behavior changed the way they guided him from that point on.
Another mom once told me that her daughter seemed oppositional and defiant, right up until the moment she learned that her daughter was experiencing physical abuse at the hand of her boyfriend, who was stalking her and threatening her family.
And some kids are getting lost because the substances they’ve been experimenting with are causing their moral compass to get all out of whack. They may not even know the effect the substances are having on their emotions, attitudes and reactions.
What is needed when any type of rebellion surfaces in a teen is to get to the root cause. But that can only happen when parents spend time trying to strengthen the connection with their teen. When such a connection has been neglected in the past, a good counselor may be needed to be a catalyst to open up the teen’s issues and strengthen the lines of communication between teen and parent.
So, if you are having struggles, don’t view it as a parental failure, but as an opportunity to trust God and learn more about yourself and your teenager. Struggles create opportunities for families to strengthen and lean on God, not on their own understanding. The way in which a parent faces the struggle is a far better measure of good parenting than whether they struggle or not.
Teach, discipline and nurture your kids while you can. Trust God to give you what you need for the journey, and lay your own fears down at His feet. Shift your parenting role from navigator to trusted tour guide as your teen gets older. And when they get off track or appear to be lost, don’t respond with anger, fear or anxiety. Instead, lovingly but firmly help them find their way back on the right path and seek professional help if you cannot make headway on your own.
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BABY BOOMERS WHO BABY THEIR KIDS
“Baby Boomers” as parents tend to focus on maintaining peace and love, at all costs. We determined to have better, stronger relationships with our kids than we had with our parents; so we carry out these normally good and healthy desires to an extreme. Out of financial abundance, we give our kids everything they ever want, and more. Soccer moms equipped with minivans shuttle kids from one event or activity to another, with stops at McDonald’s in-between. The world revolves around our kids. We indulge, spoil and provide too much “stuff” as misguided expressions of our love.
But Good Relationships Are Good, Aren’t They?
What’s wrong with too much love? Nothing! But there is something wrong with it if it is our only focus. To put it bluntly, placing kids on a pedestal and focusing our lives on them creates feelings of entitlement. Kids begin equating our love with our pocket book and our willingness to do things for them. Their thrills in life come from getting new toys, new clothes, new honors, and new excitements. They become demanding, selfish, adrenalin junkies, searching daily for new thrills.
We wanted to be the best parents ever, but the more we focused our attention and our money on our kids, the more they fell into anxiety, depression, and outright defiance. After all, they wouldn’t admit it, but deep down they were terrified for what they would do after they left the comforts and indulgences of home.
I’ve had the privilege of getting to know over 3,000 such teenagers in our Heartlight counseling program over the past 20 years. These are kids whose parents loved them greatly and gave them every convenience and materialistic advantage in life, yet they developed so many emotional problems that they had to be taken out of their homes. So, I’ve seen this phenomenon thousands of times; and we continue to receive dozens of pleas for help from parents of out of control teenagers every day.
The crux of the matter is that it is hard to be a good parent when our focus is on having peace, love and friendship with our children and to give them everything they want. This becomes especially difficult in step-families and some adoptive families. The crucial role of correcting and holding children accountable is impossible when our overriding concern is to avoid any form of damage to our friendship. But what we need to realize is that our children need parents first, not more friends.
So, the big question is this: How do parents establish their position of authority, while also maintaining their relationship with their teen? They can do so by telling their teenager, “I desire to stand beside you and walk with you in life…but make no mistake; I will stand in front of you when I need to.”
Parenting the Right Way – Balanced
A simple answer is to say things like “No” and “Maybe” more often; and we need to apply boundaries and consequences when our kids cross over the line. Balanced parenting is applying strength when needed; and tenderness at the same time. It is not just one or the other, it is both. The essence of balance in parenting is to stand beside our children and walk with them through life, while also determining to stand in front of them when we need to stop them from their foolish ways.
Kids learn quickly when they come to live with us at Heartlight that I am an authority in their life. But that is always coupled with acceptance and love. That’s why we continue to have great relationships with them over the years. I can’t count how many times I’ve been asked to come to their college graduations or weddings, or who have connected with me on the Internet or by phone. And most of them have turned out great, so I know there is hope, even with the most difficult and selfish teenagers. There is a way to resolve this dilemma, but it takes a balanced approach.
Our goal should be to help our kids get to where they want to be, and keep them from going to a place they really don’t want to end up. But since they are too immature to know any better, we need to remain in control, no matter how upset it makes them temporarily. Then, as they mature in their thinking, the reins can be gradually released. Believe me, your kids will express their appreciation when they are older for holding them in line as teenagers, and they’ll realize that you did it out of love, not to be mean or rigid. In fact, they’ll ask for advice when they have children — and the beat goes on.
Scripture describes God as a mighty warrior and a fierce lion. Scripture also reveals His softer side, “As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you” (Isa 66:13). One purpose of parenting is to give a child a taste of the character of God, and that means giving them both sides of His character.
It’s never too late to start being a balanced parent; have a loving relationship, while also holding them responsible. Your children need your correction, wisdom, and willingness to help them travel the path God has for them. They need you to be gentle and loving, but also firm – a clear reflection of both sides of God’s character.
A wise man once told me, “When you’re called to be a servant, don’t stoop to be a king.” Parents are never a more like a servant than when they willingly love a child through anything. But don’t grow weary in doing what is right, since your first job is to be an authority in your child’s life. Your teen needs a parent and a friend, but when push comes to shove, they need a parent more.
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EMPOWER YOUR TEENAGER
Parents of teenagers need to get out of the way and allow their kids to bend in the winds of life a little more. Through that gentle buffeting they’ll gain strength and wisdom to stand upright and flourish as adults.
It’s natural for parents to believe that trouble in the teen years can be avoided by keeping tight reins on their teenager. And they might be tempted to step in to fix their teen’s mistakes, thinking it will help them see how it should be done. But neither tactic is helpful. Teens mature quicker and gain more confidence when parents step back and allow mistakes and the resulting consequences to happen. They may not get it quite right at first, but eventually, through natural or applied consequences, the teen will learn to make better decisions.
The best way to empower your teenager to take the right path in life is to begin sharing the power you’ve had over him since he was born, allowing him more and more responsibility for his own decisions and dealing with his own consequences. While it is hard to take off the training wheels and let go, it is essential to clear the path and get out of his way.
Don’t Pick Up the Slack
If you are in the habit of picking up the slack for your teenager, you’re not doing him any favors. Instead, you may just be keeping him immature, dependent and powerless. Don’t follow after him to clean up his messes in life. And don’t bail him out of a jam, like when he unwisely spends his gas money on a new music download. I know it is hard to hold back. You may even feel like you’re abandoning him. But it is better to allow him to fix his own mistakes at this stage in life.
Most teenagers are fully capable of doing well, so let them, and communicate that belief to them. As you back off, do so in stages. If they handle the first stage well, then move on to the next stage of giving them more freedoms. But make it clear that you will be watching, and should they break the rules, they could lose some of those new freedoms for a time.
Learn to Let Go
Clearing the path also means to move from telling and providing to listening and guiding. In other words, avoid telling the little darlings what to do every minute of the day, but be there for them to cry on your shoulder when they do make a mistake. Avoid providing for their every want, but allow them freedom to earn and spend their own money. And ask wise questions that will make them think about their decisions, while encouraging them to make as many as possible.
As you learn to consistently let go, your teen’s expectations will shift away from leaning on you to run their life, to the understanding that they are the ones responsible now for how things turn out. They may even try every trick in the book to get you to make decisions for them, or to rescue them out of their poor choices, but don’t do it! Hold them accountable, just as they will someday be held accountable as an adult. Some teens like their immaturity and may not feel the need to grow in responsibility, so they may need to be kicked out of the comfortable nest, so to speak, so they can learn to fly.
The aim for parents of teens is to change from protection and management of their child’s actions to focusing on coaching, setting healthy boundaries and building their character.
Your New Role
Is this a time to take a much needed rest and back off completely? Absolutely not. Remain in the game. The teen years are a time to refocus your parenting energies and attention on teaching them how to reason and count the costs, how to reach out to others, how to keep commitments, and how to live honestly and respectfully. It is a time to teach them to own and take responsibility for their attitudes, choices and consequences. Don’t just tell them they need to be more responsible, or that they need to be more mature. Instead, carefully provide opportunities for growth in these areas. And it is a time to become a good coach and listener.
Keep in mind that “freedom” is a moving target, so it shouldn’t be given to your teen without ongoing interaction, requirements to report in, and clear boundaries. Be there with a watchful eye and to coach them. Establish and enforce boundaries, but give them latitude within the boundaries to make their own decisions. Begin as early as age 10, and keep working at it until they eventually leave home. This is an ongoing process, and one you should consider a critical stepping stone to your teenager’s maturity.
And by the way…give your teen some credit. You’ll be surprised how quickly he or she will mature once the training wheels are taken off and it is up to them to either steer straight, or crash. Like the beam on a child’s face after his first unassisted bike ride, your teen will grow in confidence and self-esteem with each new decision he makes.
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HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR TEENAGER
Are you connecting with your teenager or growing farther apart every day? Here are three things you can do to communicate and connect on a deeper level.
So, what do you and your teen talk about? My guess is that you discuss such items as academics, work, behaviors, privileges, sports involvement, picking the right friends, choosing the right clothes, performing chores, and obeying the rules of the house.
Now, take a minute and think about what else you talk about. Pretty short list, isn’t it?
Most of what we talk about is what they’re doing or need to do, not about what they’re thinking or what their passions and goals are in life. This imbalance can create the impression that your relationships with your teen is determined by their actions and how they perform, versus your desire to really know them.
The point is this . . . talking to your teenager does not necessarily mean you’re communicating. In fact, too much talk can cover up what really needs to be said. Sometimes the most important connection with your teen can happen with very few words. Are you looking for ways to really connect with your teen’s deepest hopes, concerns and fears; or is the mode of communication between the two of you an endless stream of superficial words, demands, and lecturing? I encourage you to stop the chatter, look for what’s under the surface, and connect with your teen in a more meaningful way.
I. Communicate By Asking Questions
The power of a parent asking questions is amazing. Everyone knows that when you are asked your opinion, you feel valued. I’m talking about “What do you think?” questions, not “What did you do?” questions. When asked in a non-condemning and non-prying way, these questions can convey a sense of value and relationship that is unparalleled by any other act of kindness. The movement toward a teen by asking them what they think lets them know you have an interest in them and that you value their opinion.
Talking to your teenager does not necessarily mean you are communicating. In fact, too much talk can cover up what really needs to be said.
So, ask your teen lots of questions. Not ones that make them uncomfortable, but the kind of questions that make them think about things. Find out how they would do something, where they would go, and why they think a certain way. Talk about controversial subjects as you would to a friend or co-worker for whom you have extreme respect. Never belittle their opinions about things. After all, did you know everything when you were a teen?
If parents don’t ask questions, they could be missing serious hidden situations in the life of their teen. Wise parents understand that anything can happen today, so they maintain an open line of communication with their teen to prevent things from getting out of hand if it does happen. Foolish parents never give it any thought, so they never ask questions. The most common comment I hear from the parents of hundreds of struggling teens is this: “I never knew this could happen to my child.” Let me assure you from years and years of experience that anything can happen to anyone at any time.
Engaging with your teen through the power of caring inquiry is crucial, but you must also learn to keep your mouth shut long enough to hear your teen’s answer. If you know something is wrong, be sure to inquire past their first “Nothing’s wrong” answer. And when the real answer comes out, regardless of how bad or shocking it is, don’t respond with anger or disappointment. Just listen. Establishing a line of communication is far more important at this point than scolding or getting your “I told you so” point across.
Sometimes just by asking questions you empower teens to apply the values you have taught them to their own current situation. Your questions might also encourage your teen to ask questions of you. And if she does start asking questions, she might be inviting you to a dark and shameful corner of her world. I always tell parents to ask questions, because I know it works.
II. Communicate Respect in Times of Conflict
Maintaining an attitude of respect is key. It is basically putting your child first and showing them respect, even as you demand the same of them. This affects your tone and demeanor, since you wouldn’t yell at, belittle, or talk down to someone you respect. Show grace and respect in the way you communicate to your teen and they’ll learn to do the same with you.
In times of conflict, my goal for every difficult and sometimes heated discussion is this: At the end of the argument, I want there to be an opportunity for us to hug one another, even if I didn’t change my mind nor lessened the consequences. That’s the goal. Even if we can’t agree, I still remain in charge, and we can at least agree to disagree because it was all talked out.
Being respectful has nothing to do with how right you are and how wrong they are. It has nothing to do with the discipline you may need to apply to their behavior. It has everything to do with maintaining the right approach whenever you talk to your teen, and thereby maintaining your relationship. Sometimes when you need to address an issue, I again recommend asking a question. Asking a thoughtful question can help engage their thinking process and the system of beliefs you’ve taught them. You may be surprised to find they come to the right conclusion all on their own when they are shown respect in this way.
III. Communicate by Listening More, Speaking Less
Not talking is one action. Listening is another action. Just because you’re not talking doesn’t mean you’re listening. God gave us two ears and one mouth because He wanted us to listen twice as much as we talk (okay, not really, but it gets the point across). You may hear what your teen is saying, but are you really listening without trying to correct him or get him to answer the correct way?
Most of the time, your teen says things to you or to others not to communicate valuable information, but simply to process life. She doesn’t need a response or a judgment, she doesn’t need an opinion or a solution, and she probably isn’t really asking for anything. She just needs a listening ear. So take time to listen – slowly.
A Sunday school teacher once asked the ten-year-olds in her class, “What’s wrong with grown-ups?” A boy responded, “Grown-ups never really listen because they already know what they’re going to answer.”
If this sounds like you, it may be time to admit that listening is not something you do well. Polishing up your listening skills is never a bad idea. Good listening habits can easily get tossed aside in the business of life. But the way you listen to your child goes a long way in determining his willingness to share his deep concerns with you. And if you ever want him to listen to you, then you had better teach him how to listen by your example. Practice listening to your child. Position yourself at his eye level, and make lots of eye contact. And don’t worry about your answers.
She doesn’t need a response or a judgment, she doesn’t need an opinion or a solution, and she probably isn’t really asking for anything. She just needs a listening ear.
All teens want to do is talk and have someone listen to them. If a teen shares what is on her heart, and that is missed by a parent more concerned about the delivery of the message than the heart of the communication, that teen will eventually quit sharing. If your teen is in the shutdown mode, there is a reason. And the reason may be that you aren’t listening to what’s being said anyway.
Most kids want to say, “My parents listened to me, and they heard me and they valued me.” For your kid to say that, I’d say you are moving toward perfection. If you are willing to just listen, you might touch the heart of your teen and convey a sense of value. Don’t worry about your answer, just focus on listening as your teen shares their heart.
If you’ve been a bad listener, keep working at it, and share your desire to be a better listener. Find opportunities for your teen to talk, even it seems a bit forced at first. Eventually, with diligence on your part, your teen will again learn to trust their dreams, thoughts and questions with you.
One question I am often asked is, “What if my teen simply won’t talk to me?” My response is for the parent to look inward in this case to determine if there is anything they are doing to spark this behavior. Keep in mind that you can only change one person in this world — you. You cannot force your child to talk. So, ask your spouse or other family members if they see something in the way you are relating to your teen that may be turning them off. Or, maybe you haven’t spent enough time building a relationship, so you really shouldn’t expect your teenager to relate well to you. Remember, in their growing drive for independence, you’ll simply become a babysitter in their eyes if you have no relationship. You’re the one who keeps them from doing what they want to do, instead of the one who is helping them get to where they want to go in life.
To get teens to open up, I recommend you spend more time with them, as difficult as that can be. And spend more time asking questions than talking. In fact, I never share an opinion or my advice with a teenager unless it is asked for. I find that teens won’t listen to or heed my advice if they don’t ask for it. They may even feel like I am trying to control or put them down when I force my opinion on them. So, they put up their defenses; like a Texas Armadillo, those defenses can be formidable. They’ll roll up in a ball and not let anything break through their tough armor.
I also tell parents to pace themselves when things are out of control. Give it a break. Like any other activity, burnout can happen if there aren’t rest periods. Remember the timeouts you likely gave them when they were little? Well, maybe it is time for you to give yourself some timeouts, away from the stress. Even a night away can be enough refreshment to break the tension for a week or two. If not, in your fatigue, you will become more emotional, you’ll respond defensively or overreact, and you’ll come across in a worse way than you intended. You need some periodic rest.
One thing that can help at the low times is to pull out old pictures and videos to remember the good old days when your teen didn’t treat you like dirt. It will give you better perspective and strength to keep fighting for what’s right for your teenager even though it may be a totally one-sided and unappreciated fight for his future. Celebrate the good days. They’ll likely be few and far between for a time, but that’s okay. Let them prop you up. Enjoy each victory. Laugh with your teen. Reflect on the good, and hope for a future filled with more days like it.
Be sure to give the reins to God, and He will give you peace, strength, and the right perspective to deal with your teenager. Look at what may need changing in your own life. And finally, no matter how they’ve hurt you, and no matter what they’ve done, love your teen unconditionally, as God loves us.
Is having a teen who is spinning out of control a serious threat to them, to your marriage and to your entire family? You bet. So approach it with the intensity and wisdom needed to move them to resolution. Stick to your guns and get help from many sources. If you simply cannot control your teen and you fear for their safety and their future, you might want to give our Heartlight residential program a call or visit the website at . We’ve had over 25 years success in turning around thousands of teenagers. What you might save in the process is your child’s life and your family’s future.
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FIND HOPE
Some time ago we remodeled our home. A project that was to last 6 months went on for nearly 30 months and the costs soared. Throughout the project we met workers that did a great job, but others who took advantage of us. They lied to us, conned us, made horrendous mistakes, broke promises, and caused much pain and hardship.
I asked a number of questions throughout the project…questions like: “Why in the world does this need to be done this way?” or “I thought we had planned for that?” and ultimately, “Why has something that was supposed to be so quick and easy, now become so drawn out and hard…will it ever end?” Sound familiar?
Maybe your relationship with your teenager feels like my home remodeling project. Perhaps what you thought would be a momentary struggle has turned into open wound that won’t heal. Maybe your plans for your teen are seemingly going awry, and they are lying, conning you, and making horrible mistakes. If so, I want to challenge you to a different perspective . . . Conflict and struggle can bring about change. I know that statement is true in my life. And, I believe it can be true in yours. So, look for the positive purpose in the conflict you are having today.
Consider this, if you have ever prayed to be the parent God has called you to be, that’s just what He’s doing! This is a time of tremendous opportunity to build into your child’s life…trusting God to direct your path along the way. Now’s your chance to be used when you’re needed the most.
Don’t back off from the role that He’s called you to. Your understanding of your parenting role is necessary. Your willingness to hang in there during this tough time is perseverance at its best. Your commitment to be a part of God’s plan for your child, seen or unseen, is godly. Loving your child when it isn’t so pretty is true love. Your knowledge that God is involved in your family is an anchor of hope that will keep you reflecting His love to your child.
And if you will keep the perspective that conflict can bring about change, there is genuine hope….hope that your child can get on the other side and that your relationship can be healed.
The Bigger Picture
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” So don’t give up. And keep a proper frame of mind.”— Galatians 6:9
When you begin to think about your child and what they’ve been involved in behaviorally, more times than not, it’s usually worse than what you think, but never quite as bad as you can imagine. But no matter what you think or what you imagine, there is nothing that can’t be overcome, and there is no relationship that can’t be restored….none.
Understand that what is happening right now in the life of your child and your family is not the whole story. The whole story is what God is up to…His “bigger picture” which entails a whole lot more people than you or your child. And the breadth of that picture is spread far beyond your timing.
I know that it’s hard to think about the bigger picture when you hurt for your child now. But there’s a lot more going on than your situation and your child’s behavior. It doesn’t mean your struggle is any less important, but it does help with keeping your situation in a proper framework. Use this difficult time as a prod to deepen your relationship with your child, and you’ll shorten the amount of time that your child remains in their darkness.
Finally, don’t panic and don’t try to “fix” your child. Fix the boundaries, fix the consequences, and maybe even change the environment, but you’ll never fix your child. Only God can change your child’s heart. Instead, focus on what you can fix in your parenting, and get out of God’s way to do what He needs to do.
Over the years I have found that parents usually get pretty scared when a child begins to struggle. Their fear is based on the realization that they may not be ready to tackle these new challenges. Some may “awfulize” the situation and make more of it than they should. Others may do nothing and hope the fire will extinguish itself. Or, it may be that they are just exhausted.
So, could this be a good time to place these things in God’s hands…into the hands of the one who promises that He will cause all things to work together for good? You bet it is! If you do, you will be on the pathway to restoration.
True Hope for Healing
The only true hope is that God is involved in what is going on with your child. Whether you see it or not isn’t going to change God’s plan for you or your child. So, if God is at work in the life of our child, we’d best understand what He’s doing. That understanding comes through prayer; prayer to understand His will and prayers of submission to God to do whatever He needs to do in your life and the life of your child to turn things around. The older I get, the more I understand that prayer is meant to help us get in line with and understand God’s perfect will, versus trying to influence or change it.
You and I know of God’s hand in the past…..we know of it in the future….but our difficulty comes in believing in His involvement in what is happening today. So, pray. And keep a daily diary; it will help you maintain perspective. Look for ways that God is working in your teen’s life, and record those; being sure to thank Him as you see His hand at work.
Yes, there is hope…if you will hang in there with your child…trust God to fulfill His plan…keep a right perspective…and understand that there is indeed a path to restoration. Depend on His promises to remain true. God, the Creator, is fully capable to fashion a new life and a new relationship between you and your child…so allow Him to heal your relationship. He’ll amaze you, as he does me, as He creates abundant life and perfection out of dust and confusion.
CLOSE
We live in a world where change is constant, and it seems that things change these days at a more rapid pace than ever before. Some changes are for the better and some are for the worst. If teenagers can walk in this changing world and come through unscathed — we are grateful. But some do not.
Some kids become victims to negative pressures in today’s culture; choosing a lifestyle of self-indulgence, willful disobedience, rebellion and self-destructive behaviors. It is sad to see that happening to otherwise great kids; and no one is saddened more than their parents.
I work with mothers and fathers who have cried over a wayward son or daughter. Words cannot describe the depth of pain and sorrow that comes to a parent’s heart broken by love. These parents experience a depth of feeling for their children that even the children do not understand.
One of the most difficult things parents face is the realization that although they have experienced life and gained wisdom from their own mistakes and failures, their own children will probably not benefit from them. They will not understand until they make the same mistakes and experience the consequences. And mistakes will be made.
In fact, one indisputable truth about human beings is that we have an infinite capacity to mess up. But even more infinite than our ability to sin is God’s desire to love and forgive us. For those of us who have accepted Christ as Savior, God forgives us every time we ask — again and again.
Remember this about your teenager; no matter what they have done, their life isn’t wrecked for good. The most loving, powerful Being in the universe wants to heal them, and He does have the power and creativity to do just that
So, rather than dwelling on your mistakes, leave those cares to Christ, and celebrate their life instead.
EPILOGUE
I recently received a letter from a mom and dad who attended one of our Family in Crisis retreats last year. I was touched and excited about the amazing changes that had occurred in this family’s life, and I wanted to share it with you. They, like most families caught in crisis situations, found their family in a downward spiral after raising the kids in a godly home. Things went well for most of their kids; not so well for one of their daughters. This is how they described the situation in the letter:
“At that time we probably fit 10 out of 10 of the most critical warning signs that things had really gone awry in our family. Our 15-year-old daughter seemed to be in a continuous downward spiral, exhibiting every kind of negative behavior from disrespect, angry outbursts, and excessive risk taking, to depression, poor grades, and open rebellion. Drugs, alcohol, and sexual promiscuity were all elements of her behavior as well. She didn’t seem to care about anything or anyone. She had no friends, no relationships outside of our family, and she was rejecting every moral and spiritual principle we had ever held. Her mood swings kept us all on an emotional roller coaster. For months we lived with the fear of potential suicide. We couldn’t sleep, eat, make any plans; we could barely function.”
If you’ve been there, you know the feelings of what this family is talking about. And in a world where options for kids spinning out of control are somewhat limited, I was thankful that there was an option that didn’t mean a teen had to leave home, and that parents weren’t going to have a spend a fortune getting their family straightened out.
I spend most of time now helping prevent families from ever having to send their child away to get the help they need. For those who don’t know, besides the books, articles, radio programs, and speaking events I’m involved with, I am also the Executive Director of a program that I founded 21 years ago, Heartlight. It is a residential counseling program for 50 teens. I take what I have learned from all of the 2,500 kids that have lived with us, and share that through any medium I can to apply these “lessons learned” to as many as possible.
Last year, I decided to donate my time to 8 retreats that we hold at Heartlight, which is just out my back door. These retreats are called Families in Crisis, and are they the first step for families that are in crisis to find a resolution. So I encourage everyone struggling with a teen to come to these events, not because I make money (I don’t receive a dime), but because I think you’ll find answers to the situation that you are in, find some new ways to address your family’s issues, and gain a new sense of hope. Here’s what this family did:
“We attended the Families in Crisis Retreat at Heartlight in Longview, Texas, and it was as if someone had thrown us a life rope when we were floundering in the middle of a stormy ocean. Mark’s books were extremely helpful and served as our constant resource as we persevered toward restoration for our family. We began to implement the things we had learned.”
I truly think that these lessons I have learned through the years from teens and families I have been involved with can be applied to any family today, and either prevent this current teen culture from having a devastating effect on your child, help you prepare your child for their upcoming teen years, or help you resolve issues that have been created because of this sometimes damaging adolescent atmosphere. This family who wrote directly attributes the change in their son to what they learned from our input:
“Our son will soon be entering his last semester of high school with the anticipation of graduating in May. Things are SO much better now than they were before attending the retreat. He has become a fun, funny, thoughtful, respectful, helpful, obedient young man, who is a joy to be around. We no longer dread every day. In fact, we look forward to them. We laugh all the time, and enjoy each other every day. Months ago, we didn’t know if we could all continue to live in the same house. Now we’re really going to miss him when he leaves! Thank you Mark for giving us hope, and the skills we needed, to get things back on track.”
Again, I’m not trying to sell you anything. I am trying to get you to take advantage of some of the resources that we provide.
If you have any questions, contact us at 903-668-2173.
Mark
Here are our websites:
Heartlight Residential Program:
Heartlight Resources:
Parent Tips Blog:
Jobs at Heartlight:
Turbulence Ahead Seminars:
Dealing with Today’s Teens Seminars:
Family Crisis Retreats:
Daily Radio Program Archives:
Radio Program Site:
Family Coaching:
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