Essay2 - The Writing Center



This document showcases a real Comprehensive Editing Order as it was returned to the client. [Bracketed phrases] have been used substituted for the client’s name and other identifying information. This applicant is now enrolled in the Wharton MBA program.

Dear [client],

I like the structure you have chosen for this essay. It is very simple—almost obvious—and yet since there is so little space available to you, it is an effective way of moving quickly from one accomplishment to the next. I do not think you need to have two paragraph breaks in each section, because the first sentence sometimes leads nicely into the next. I will use fewer paragraph breaks, but if you want to insert them again, you can do so easily.

As a whole, I think this essay could give more attention to the part of the question that asks why you view these accomplishments as your most important. It seems to me that some more emphasis could be placed on this aspect in each case without taking too much space and I have tried to reflect this in my edit.

I think that we should take great care to separate the first accomplishment (the formalizing of the N-CEO rules) from the answer to essay 1 which describes the club as part of your undergraduate experiences. Eventually, these two essays will appear next to each other, and it might seem repetitive to a reader. Ideally, since you introduced the club in the other essay, you would discuss this story briefly there and use a completely different accomplishment here. (One that I think would be compelling could be your preparation for and success on the Korean national entrance test—most Americans do now know how much energy Korean students dedicate to the test and might be surprised by the size of Korea’s population—so I think this could be an impressive story. If you decide to use this strategy, we could then cut the detail about the test from the other essay and simply say that you were accepted to the top university in the country.) If you want to use it, I think it should be cast either as a leadership triumph or in some other distinct way. I will edit this to try out the leadership idea, but you can decide you want to change it or replace it and send me the new paragraph for review.

I think the second accomplishment may place too much emphasis on the fact that you were able to earn an international assignment and not enough emphasis on what you did with that assignment. It sounds like your work there was important and very successful, so it seems a shame that you only discuss it so briefly. Obviously you cannot talk too much about the technical aspects since your reader may not have the background to understand, but I think you can do some more than you have in this regard. This is a difficult addition for me to make, and the word limit here is very restrictive, but if you choose to make an addition, send it to me for another review.

The third accomplishment is a very interesting and personal one. Since it is not a traditional accomplishment for an MBA applicant (meaning it is neither work nor school related), I think you need to put special emphasis on why this is so important. Is it because you demonstrated that you could excel in any arena, or possibly because your wife and friends get so much pleasure from your music? An answer like this would bring this answer together nicely. I have provided one in the edit for you to think about.

All the best,

Nathan

2. What are your three most substantial accomplishments and why do you view them as such? (600-word limit)

My first accomplishment is to successfully set up identity and governing rules of organization as president of a corporate strategy club in the college.

It was the fourth semester since the club’s foundation when I was elected as president in 2001. Until then, it had been managed at random without overarching principle or written guidelines. I believed, however, it needed a stipulated identity that around 30 members can rely on to determine club activities, and rules that consistently guide funds and organization management. Although new members agreed with me, most of founding members dissented from my opinion due to the perception that such written identity and rules would harm family-like atmosphere of this new club. It was similar to the conflict start-up companies went through as they grew, but we could not remain as a brand-new club for good, and had to prepare for the growth of the club. To move forward with their supports, I made great efforts to persuade them into buying my initiative by showing my passion for changes and explaining the necessity. After several days of massive communication at cafeteria at day time and through on-line messengers at night, I could draw consensus to stipulate vision and values of the club and establish fund and HR guidelines. This allowed me to lead consecutive initiatives to make a club logo and websites, and launch two important programs such as CEO study and a volunteer program.

Thanks to this transformation work, I was reelected as president for the next semester, and I remained as the only president who succeeded in reelection throughout the club’s history. Currently, the club, called N-CEO, is maintaining the great reputation as one of the prestigious clubs in the college.

Secondly, I proactively captured an opportunity to work out of Korea when I was in McKinsey, and completed the most critical analysis at a gas processing plant in Malaysia’s national petroleum company.

One and a half year after I joined McKinsey, I was eager to have a global opportunity I had been pursuing since my college years. While senior Associates could easily have chances to work in other offices, Business Analysts usually found it difficult to have global exposures because they lacked a distinctive spike. However, I did not want to let go chances that I could have at one of the most globalized organization, and started to communicate with partners in Seoul Office, emphasizing my quantitative analytic skill which had already gained the office-wide reputation. By searching for the posts of projects requiring intense analytic works and continuously reaching partners with the information, I finally got assigned to the project at a plant in the countryside of Malaysia.

For the next three months, I worked on the important analysis on production data to identify the root causes of the production loss. It served as a starting point for all operating improvement programs. After getting acknowledgement from a senior executive, my analysis became the most important part of client’s capability-building programs and was rolled out to all plants in the company as a major KPI.

My third, but equally important accomplishment is my album I produced with the seven original songs I composed and recorded in 2000. This was the tangible output of my life-long passion for music.

I started playing the piano at the age of six, and have strived to excel musically, as well as academically and professionally ever since. I composed my first piece of symphony when I was twelve, and in college, I took classes in harmony and computer music. The classes were highly demanding even for music majors, and the consequences of a low grade would have been severe, but I managed to earn grades of A. Meanwhile, although I have always maintained a demanding work schedule, I have endeavored to produce music that people would actually hear and enjoy. In 1997, I organized a rock band called Sally that performed an outdoor concert as part of Seoul National University’s annual Spring Festival. Finally, in 2000, I made a home-recorded album, legacy of which continues to influence my life.

At my wedding on May 3rd, 2006, my wife’s friends performed a piece that I had written in dedication to her. Holding my hands, my wife quietly shed tears. Her tears of joy were a great legacy that my album has left in my life.

Revised Version

Of all my academic and professional achievements, the following stand out as particularly significant and personally meaningful accomplishments.

The first occurred during my tenure as president of the corporate strategy club I founded in college. For the 4 semesters before my election, the club had been managed without any form of written constitution. This was feasible while the club was small, but recent growth convinced me that formal guidelines were necessary to control expenditures and clarify officers’ duties. Newer members of the club agreed while founding members worried that the club’s friendly atmosphere would suffer, but I was certain that we needed to prepare for the future.

I was tireless in my pursuit of my co-founders’ support; afternoons spent lobbying in the cafeteria led to nights chatting online, but the effort paid off when I finally established consensus. With the values and procedures of the club solidified, I led initiatives to adopt a logo, construct a webpage, and finally launch the CEO-study and community service programs for which the club is famous. I am still the only two-term president in club history, and due to the structure I promoted, the club continues to enjoy a prestigious reputation. My effort to unite the group intelligent and opinionated co-founders culminated in lasting value.

A second accomplishment that I hold dear came when I worked on an energy project in Malaysia as a business analyst with McKinsey’s Seoul office. Although overseas opportunities are usually reserved for senior associates, I decided to pursue an international experience after only 18 months. I capitalized on my reputation for excellent quantitative analysis and convinced partners that I would be an asset. Before long, I was assigned to a plant in the Malaysian countryside where I studied production data and performed a variety of analyses to identify the causes of a recent production decline. The project was to be the starting point for a series of sweeping improvements, and my contribution ultimately became the cornerstone of the client’s capability-building programs. It was eventually implemented in all company plants. My work led to a profound change in the way a major energy company does business, and I found the experience very inspiring.

A final accomplishment of which I am particularly proud is the collection of pieces that I have composed as part of a life-long passion for music. I started playing the piano at age six and composed my first symphonic piece when I was twelve. From there, I went on to take a variety of classes in harmony and computer music in college. The classes were highly demanding even for music majors, and the consequences of a low grade would have been severe, but I nevertheless managed to earn straight As while acquiring a new musical independence. Meanwhile, I constantly endeavored to produce music that people would hear and enjoy. In 1997, I organized a rock band named Sally that performed an outdoor concert as part of Seoul National University’s annual Spring Festival. In 2000, I played all instruments on a home-recorded album of 7 original songs that I gave as gifts to friends and family. Finally, when I was married on May 3rd, 2006, I arranged for several of my wife’s friends to perform a piece I had composed and dedicated to her. I was extremely pleased to see her tears of joy as the piece was performed, and this moment solidified the importance of my musical compositions. Music is a personal pursuit that gives balance to my life and joy to those I love.

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